Previous part of - Yes, I do have issues.

***

"So here I was, right, stuck in this icy frozen desert, and about one hundred women all trying to get at me, right…" I laughed.

This is my only saviour.

It was a silent one.

"Not very chatty today are you?" I asked her.

I named her Olad.

"Moving on, and then what happened right- WAAAAAA!"

"Having fun?" Jack said, leaning against the wall.

"YOU. DO. NOT. MAKE. ME. JUMP!" I yelled.

He'll make my skin wrinkle.

Jack rolled his eyes.

His, pretty, shining-like-pools-of-glistening-mud-make-me-want-to-kiss-you eyes…

"Meet Olad"

He looked at her.

"You realise that, Olad is a paper cup, right?"

What else would she be?

"Duh!" I snapped at him.

"Oh god, he's gone senile"

"I CAN HEAR YOU KNOW!" I yelled.

"Are you okay?" Someone said through the comms.

"Fine!" I said back "I'm talking to Jack"

"Um…" Jack's voice came on "I'm hear"

OH MY GOD, I'M SENILE!

"LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!"

"Tea time!" Eye candy said, from the other side of the cell.

"Are you really there?" I asked.

Either way, he looks hot.

"Yes" He said cautiously.

"Rip of your shirt and have sex with me"

"WHAT? NO!" He shrieked.

"Thought it was you" I sighed, "Waiter! I want service!"

God, he'd never make it in a restaurant.

"Um… Okay"

He practically tiptoed towards the cell, and then slowly opened it. He then almost threw the food at me, and dove out.

Too slowly though.

I grabbed his foot.

"GERROFF!" He screamed, kicking out.

"No!"

Seriously, did he really think saying something like that would work?

He wriggled about, and got away.

"HA!" I yelled "I HAVE YOUR SHOE!"

He straightened up on the other side "Don't expect dessert again!"

"FINE!"

The shoe reeks.

And here I was thinking he was all cleanliness and hygene.

This is killing me.

I'm dying.

The shoe is poisoning me.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" I yelled.

"What now?" Jack sighed "Normally our prisoners are silent!"

I looked around the place a bit.

"Yeah, because you've knocked most of them out!" I snapped back.

"Are you hinting at something?"

JOHN! Shut it!

I need some sort of escape.

Any bloody sort of escape.

This is where Gray should come in.

Why hasn't he come in?

I reckon…

Okay, so my shoes are rather smelly (I think I killed someone once with them) and so is my (I wish) lover boy's.

COMBINED TOGETHER.

Methane?

Something like that. Enough to set off one of those you're-going-to-die-of-poisoning-because-of-your-builer's-are-trying-to-rip-you-off alarms off.

I held them together.

BEEP BEEP BEEEP BEEP.

"What the fuck is going on?" I heard Jack yelling.

"I don't know!" Another person said.

"Get everyone out of here!"

Jack burst in.

Looking oh-so attractive.

"Ooh… My hero!" I smiled.

"I don't know what's going on!" He snapped at me "But if I find you're to blame…"

Touchy.

He grabbed me and yanked me out.

"WAIT!" I yelled "SAVE OLAD!"

"WHAT?" Jack screamed, he sighed and reached into my cell.

That's when I kicked him into it.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Jack yelled.

I grabbed his gun and shot him.

Yeah, yeah, I know he can't die.

But he makes a bloody good target.

And anger management tool.

Taking his watch, and card swipe thing, I walked off.

With Olad, of course.

Walking out, I had created havoc.

"Where's Jack!" Gwen screamed, throwing herself at me.

Kinky.

Oh, no wait, she wanted to attack me.

"Oh, he's safe" I smiled "Safe"

"I swear-" She started.

"Now that's exactly what he said!" I laughed.

"What's with the paper cup?" Eye candy poked his head around "And where is my shoe?"

Second thoughts.

"Um… Okay, so maybe Jack isn't safe"

"WHAT?" They all screamed in perfect harmony.

Maybe they should be a choir.

"I have to go!" I said quickly, ducking down in case the mad one attacked me.

"JUST YOU WAIT!" She yelled.

The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.

Not sure why I thought that, but… I find it useful.

"Now" I stood up "Guns don't kill people…"

They all blinked at me.

"But they sure help!" I held up my baby- Gun, I mean.

"I WILL shoot, if you come near me, and I WILL kill"

Good rhyming John.

A man once sat me down and told me that a society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in….

…. I shot him the next day.

***

So here I am.

All cosy in the Torchwood hub.

I've knocked out the others. And I did a bloody good job. (I heard a bunch of kids talking about something called Youtube… Think I may use it)

One problem.

A big one.

Jack, in the cells, is doing something.

Any guesses?

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

Kill me.

Now.

"SHUT UP!" I yelled.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

WHY MUST HE INSIST ON YELLING IT LOUDER?

OH. MY. GOD.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

Why, God, WHY?

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

Has anyone noticed, how it was Gray, who made me do all of this. This... Torture?

I sprinted down to the cells.

"SHUT IT!" I yelled, throwing a mug at the door.

"THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE MUG!" He screamed "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"

Trust me, I'm feeling pretty rough already.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

Must. Refrain. From. Shooting. Jack.

"OKAY!" I said loudly "OKAY!"

Jack blinked for a second.

"I'll make you a deal"

Step one. Propose the plan.

"What?" Jack asked.

Step two. Oh, no, wait, I have to actually propose it first…

"I'll let you out…"

My favourite part.

"If you kiss me"

Step two. See the other persons reaction.

"Ooh…"

Gee, thanks Jack. You're supposed to sound HAPPY.

This is me we're talking about, remember?

"Maybe not.."

"Fine! I'll just go put 'I know a song that'll get on your nerves on repeat, shall I?"

"Okay!" Jack said quickly.

Funny that.

I opened the cell door.

Pucker up, Jack!

Yay. Me and Jack kissed!

"Happy?" Jack said, after kissing me.

"Well, you acted like I was your Gran or something, but…"

"HAPPY?" Jack snapped.

His Gran was attractive.

"Yeah, but… You're staying!" I pushed him back in "Thanks for the kiss!"

Damn, Gray'll be pissed.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

Stupid, stupid stupid John.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!"

I have a plan.

Turn the heating up.

Again.

I've been doing this for the past twenty minutes, it's now… about thirty degrees.

And Jack is sweating.

Mmm…

I figure, a bit higher, and his shirt will be off.

Salvation!

***

Mm... Jack.

Alas, he has just made my day.

He took his time though.

Can you guess what has happened?

Jack. Took. His. Shirt. OFF!

HA HA!

"Alright sexy?" I yelled through the comms.

"SHUT UP!" Jack yelled back (Ooh... Anger management needed here!) "And could you turn the heat down?"

Sure Jack. Sure...

OOPS, pressed the wrong button, heat's gone up! Silly old John.

Wait, I mean silly young John.

"WHAT?" Jack shouted "IT'S GETTING HOTTER!"

"Eer... Yeah! Temporary defect!" I smiled back.

"Ugh..." I heard behind me.

Oh, it looks like the others waking up. I knew I should have drugged them.

Damn, next time actually listen to what Gray was saying.

"I- Ugh... What?"

I turned around, alas, it's... Um... Washerface.

Sorry, Washisface.

"Hi" I smiled.

"WHAT THE HELL?" He yelled.

"Now, I realise what must be going through your head at this point, but..."

"I DON'T CARE!" He screamed (this is giving me a headache) "GET ME OUT OF THESE ROPES!"

Oh yeah... Because I'm really going to realise him. Yes, I do have a death wish. Idiot.

"If you want you can go join Jack" I said to him "I'm sure he'll love your company"

I STILL can't think of his name.

Ron? Lucy? No wait, he's a guy. Achilles?

I'll just call him Brad (Pitt)

"Hey Brad!" I smiled.

"What?" He blinked at me "BRAD?"

"What?" I laughed "It suits you"

I was reading a magazine, and it's that thing where it says 'if someone was playing you in a film, who would it be?'

I dunno who i'd have... Hm...

Brad (Pitt) interrupted my thoughts "My name's Owen. Idiot" He grunted.

See? I KNEW it was Owen.

"Oh... I knew that" I said quickly "So how was your kip?"

"Oh FINE" Owen snapped "It doesn't matter that my head is killing from where you hit it, and my arse is hurting because that's where you stunned me!"

Ha.

"I'll kill you" He said (And not in a nice tone either) "I'll bloody kill you!"

"Shh..." I whispered "You'll wake the others!"

"GOOD!" Owen yelled (touchy!) "YOU WAIT UNTIL GWEN WAKES UP! SHE'LL GUT YOU!"

Oh. Gwen. 'I'm going to rip you in half' girl.

"Yeah, you're joining Jack" I nodded.

I grabbed him and dragged him up.

"God, you're light!" I said to him.

"IT'S CALLED BEING WIRY!" He screamed.

Okay then... We have a lunatic here.

"Hi Jack!" I smiled "Meet... Um..."

What's his name again?

"Anyways, meet him." I laughed, throwing him into the cell with Jack.

"Where's your shirt?" Owen asked.

"Don't ask." Jack muttered "Just. Don't. Ask."

Later.

"Owen, you really need to work on those abs" I heard Jack say.

Yes, that's right. Owen has taken his shirt off!

It's like all my birthdays rolled into one.

"Shut it" I heard Owen mutter.

I'm still thinking about an actor to play me. Maybe Tom Cruise? Nah... He's a tid bit short. Ooh... I could have Cameron Diaz!

Yeah... Cameron... She's just- AAGGH!

Ouch. That hurt. Stupid chair. That's the second time i've fallen off it.

It hates me. It's Satan's chair.

I got up, rubbing my back.

Oh... It's Nerd Girl, and she's out of her ropes and stuff.

"Whao..." I said "Are you related to Houdini? Or is it Haiducii?"

"No" She frowned. Ha. She's shaking.

"Do you wanna join Jack?" I asked "And..."

DAMN! Why is his name so hard to remember?

"No... But I want to shoot you" Nerd Girl looked at me.

"They're topless?"

She seemed to brighten up at this.

"Well, maybe... NO! You're bad!"

"Not BAD... Strange, maybe... But bad? Nah..." I shook my head.

She's still shaking, it's good to know that she's scared of me. I think I should be ashamed.

"Now... Um... Nerd-"

"Toshiko!" She snapped.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know you don't want to attack me, because... Well..."

I need a plan, I have to get her into a cell.

Okay, so she's a nerd, right... Which means...

"OH NO! YOUR COMPUTERS BROKEN!" I screamed pointing in the right direction (I hope)

"WHAT?" Tish- Sorry, Tosh yelled, spinning around.

"HA!" I grabbed her and dragged her to the cells.

"Seriously Owen" Said Jack "Use weights or something, I find-"

"Hi!" I held her up "Meet Toshibo"

"TOSHIKO!"

Who cares? I threw her into the cell with them.

I ran back up the stairs.

Oh no.

Oh God, no.

This could be a problem.

Gwen (A.K.A Crazy-Psycho-I-need-to-go-to-a-mental-asylum-and-have-all-the-treatments Girl) Was awake.

And boy, did she look pissed.

Sod Cameron Diaz, I want Orlando Bloom to play me.

"John" She smiled.

Consider me a dead man.

***

"Gwen… DARLING!" I smiled "Um… How are you?"

That's the way to do it. Just act cool.

Wait, I am cool, I don't have to act!

"You have ten seconds to run" gwen snarled.

I'm not running. I'm fucking sprinting.

"TEN!"

Oh God I'm gonna die!

"NINE!"

Where's Gray when you need him?

"EIGHT!"

I whimpered, running under a desk or something.

"SEVEN!"

Maybe suicide is a better choice?

"SIX!"

I heard her getting out a gun.

And a knife.

"FIVE!"

Oh God, she's going to skin me!

"FOUR!"

I don't want to be a blanket!

"THREE!"

Yeah, suicide.

"TWO!"

Just breathe John. BREATHE. She won't kill you.

Will she?

"ONE!"

I'm too hot to die!

"I'M NOW CO-"

"Giugh…"

"THANK YOU GOD!" I screamed.

"Ianto?" I heard Gwen say, "Are you okay?"

"I think so… I- Where are my trousers?"

Oops.

"JOHN!" Gwen screamed, "THERE'S TWO OF US NOW!"

"YEAH!" Ianto (A.K.A I have BRILLIANT legs boy) "THERE'S GWEN WITH- Is that a samurai sword?"

"Duh"

"Um… GWEN HAS A SWORD AND I HAVE… I have…"

Does he even know what his job is?

"I HAVE A STAPLER!" He screamed.

Gwen tutted and passed him something.

"ACTUALLY, I HAVE WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LASER!"

WHAT?

Yeah… I ran from out of the desk and dove for cover…

…. Down some sort of manhole….

WOW! I'M IN JACK'S ROOM!

"Wahey…" I smiled.

I'm gonna try and find his diary!

Oh… No…

A sword is coming down the hole.

"Johnny…" I heard Gwen coo.

DEPP?

"WHERE'S JOHNNY DEPP?" I yelled.

OH! I get it! She means me.

That's not good.

Not good at ALL.

"Um… Hello" I whimpered.

"Get up here now! I want it to be on cameras when you die!"

Who is she? Quentin Tarantino?

"Okay" I climbed out of the hole (search for the diary if I make it out alive).

Now.

Play. COOL.

"If you killed me, you'd be making a mistake!" I said quickly.

I said COOL!

"What?" Ianto poked the laser thing at me "Why?"

"I changed the codes for the cells. You wouldn't be able to get the others out" I smiled.

Wow, I AM good.

See? You don't need Gray to be evil.

Gwen growled, yes… She GROWLED at me.

"Damn!" She snarled "Okay, so here's what's going to happen" She put the sword to my neck "You're going to get the others out of those cells, and then…" She paused.

"Then give me my trousers!" Ianto snapped.

"Yeah!" Gwen said quickly.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine!"

They then (for some strange, and totally unexplainable reason) felt the need to escort me down to the cells, where I typed in the code (If you change the numbers into letters, It's 'I ROCK')

"Hello" I muttered as they all glared at me.

They still don't have their shirts on.

"Hello" Jack said, smiling at me (faintable, but punchable) "In there. NOW!"

I groaned and walked in, Jack turned to me "And Olad isn't there!"

Damn!

I grabbed at one of them quickly, and pulled out my gun (I love how pockets can hide things)

"Let me go! Or… She dies!" I yelled.

"Hello?" They replied "I'm a man! You idiot!"

Oh. I'd grabbed the Doctor person. Again.

"I knew that" I kept my eyes on the others "Let me go!"

They all glared at me again (obviously bad eyesight) and Gwen swore at me (what the hell?) I walked out of the cell, keeping a firm hand on my (half naked) hostage.

"Now…" I said "You lot, are going to take ten steps back. And then the team will stand there for ten minutes, whilst Jack will go and find his diary, and give it to me. He will THEN find a shovel, and come with me… Only then I will release this guy" I poked him with my gun.

Jack muttered something and took a step back, walking off.

"Thank you!" I smiled, taking my hostage up the stairs "How am I doing so far?" I whispered to him.

"I really don't know" He said to me "My arse still hurts from where you stunned me" HA! "I'm half naked, cold, and I have a gun pointed at me"

I laughed as Jack returned, clutching a small book and a shovel.

This is my plan coming into place.

"Diary. Now"

I WANT to know what I missed out on.

Jack tossed it to me, "Now let Owen go"

I smiled as I took my gun away from his temple.

"You come with me" I said to Jack "Or I'll kill off the people in your team. In front of you"

As if I would.

Ten minutes later. In the SUV

"Do you even know where you're going?" Jack asked me.

No.

"Yes!" I snapped, "Now shut up, and let me drive"

Jack rolled his eyes and shuffled about.

Oh yeah, he's still half naked, and I chained his hands up.

"You're going to love this part" I smiled, turning sharply.

"What?" Jack snapped.

"We're going back..." I smiled.

"To the future?" Jack asked "I love that film!"

What?

"No!" I rolled my eyes.

At least I don't think so. Gray told me what to do, and when I asked what he was going to do to Jack, he suddenly became very vague...

... Strange.

***

"Right" I smiled at Jack as we got out of the car "We're here!"

He looked around grumpily "And where is that exactly?"

"How should I know?" I replied, "I'm not the one who was reading the map!"

Jack frowned "And neither was I!"

Crap. We're lost.

Curse Gray, if he could just be normal for once, this wouldn't have happened!

(He obviously sees me as some kind of role model)

"So…" I turned to Jack.

He rolled his eyes "Is there any point to this?"

Well for me, yeah! I don't fancy being a human bomb. Not my cup of tea, thank you very much!

I turned around to see the rift opening slightly "Oh look!" I pointed "Time to hitch a lift"

I grabbed (an unhappy) Jack and sprinted forward.

Crap, I hate this part.

"OUCH!" Jack yelled as he hit the ground. I fell forwards and flopped for a second.

"Ugh… My stomach" I mumbled, I sat up "I GOT WINDED!" I sobbed.

"Boo hoo" Jack muttered sarcastically.

Thanks. Married for almost five years, and he doesn't even care.

Is that counted as abuse? I could get rich.

"I gotta go throw up" I stood up to find a bush "Enjoy yourself"

I have no idea where I am. Or where the nearest toilet is.

Curses.

Oh look, there's Gray.

"Hi!" I smiled to him (well, winced) "You look… Pissed"

He did, he stormed forward over to Jack, and hugged him tightly.

Without me?

"HEY! WAIT!" I yelled, running up to them "CANNONBALL!"

"Oof!" Jack yelled as I dove on them.

"Aah… SHARE THE LOVE!" I smiled at the two of them.

Jack didn't move, and Gray stood up.

"I've waited for that" He said happily.

I kicked Jack.

He didn't move.

Surely that's not a good thing.

"Uh… Jack?" I frowned and kicked him in the crotch. Hard.

"Oh, don't worry about him" Gray said, getting out a stick with a piece of metal on it " I stabbed him!" He said proudly.

"You're very… Strange" I said to him "Have you seen your counsellor recently?"

Gray shook his head "Not since I shot him, why?"

"No reason"

Freak.

"ARGH!" Jack yelled, suddenly sitting up.

I've noticed that he's always very loud when he comes back to life. God help him if he becomes a spy.

"Good morning!" Gray said "And how are you?"

"You… Stabbed… Me" Jack gasped.

No shit Sherlock.

"Well, isn't this a nice family reunion?" I laughed nervously.

I swear this isn't what I thought would happen…

MY version:

"JACK! JACK! IT'S YOU!" Gray yells happily, running forwards.

"GRAY!" Jack screams happily.

They run to each other in slow motion.

"WOW! IT'S REALLY YOU!" They jump around in circles for a few minutes.

"Now… Have you met John?" Jack says.

"Yes, isn't he wonderful?"

"And SO attractive"

"Gorgeus"

"Smart"

"A generally nice person"

"Always does what's best"

"I love him…"

"John? JOHN!"

What a fun day dream.

"Do you want me to blow you up?"

SNAP OUT OF IT!

"What kind of question is that?" I yelled.

"A smart one" Gray shrugged.

"It's not Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!" I snapped back.

Gray shrugged. Ignorant sod.

"Here's what's going to happen" He said "Grab the shovel and then-"

"The what?" I frowned.

"The bloody great spade!" Gray snapped.

"What?"

"THAT!" He pointed to the stick thing.

I knew that!

"And then you bury Jack, and then you can go"

I fancy going to the Bahamas.

"Okay" I shrugged "Toodles Jack"

Jack blinked at me, and then Gray pushed him back into the ground, where there was a huge hole.

"Well isn't this the highlight of my week" I muttered as I chucked mud onto him "I swear, if my boots get ruined out of this…"

I hate Gray.

I mean, seriously, a good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting beside you say " Damn that was fun!"

I hate them, I hate them all.

***

"LET'S DANCE TO JOY DIVISION AND CELEBRATE THE IRONY, EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG BUT WE'RE SO HAPPY!"

Ah, The Wombles. No, wait, Wombats.

Beauty in a song.

"LET'S DANCE TO JOY DIVISION AND RAISE OUR GLASS TO THE CEILING..."

Who are Joy Division?

"IT COULD ALL GO SO WRONG... BUT WE'RE SO HAPPYYYY!"

Ha, compared to Torchwood.

"What?" I said, as a man passed by.

Or is it a woman?

Whatever, alien she... he... woman...

Shut it John.

His fault for staring.

"SO GRAB YOUR PURSE AND TAKE A-"

"Sir?" Someone poked me.

Ouch.

"Yes? Are you going to apologise for interrupting my song? Compliment my singing skills?" I asked.

"No"

You can SO tell he loves me.

"Singing has been banned on this planet... Especially when it's bad singing"

"WHAT?" I yelled.

"You're barred from planet Ghonisdaf" The alien man-woman said shortly "You have 156 seconds to leave... Before we blast you into a black-hole"

WHAT?

"Good day Sir"

WHAT?

WHAT?

"Well sod this planet! I didn't like it anyway!" I snapped.

Take THAT!

To the rift mobile!

Na na na na nan an na na na na... JOHN MAN!

JOHN MAN!

I jumped into the Rift.

"GOODBYE SWEET PLANET!" I yelled, waving "AND TO SAY GOODBYE..."

"Get him away" She he said.

"NEAR..."

"SHUT HIM UP"

"FAR... WHEREVER YOU ARE! I BELIEVE THAT THE HEART DOES... GO ON!"

I should turn around, so that I can find somewhere that I want to go. But this is my pride!

"ONCE MORE YOU OPEN THE DOOR!" I screamed, laughing at people covering their... What look like ears. They could be their noses.

"SO I BID YOU ADIEU!" I yelled "FOR I AM CAPTION JOHN... THE GREATEST MAN OF ALL..."

"John?" I heard someone say behind me.

"Aloha... My sweet, kind- "

Oh crap, it's Gwen.

I'm on Earth.

Gwen blinked at me "Sweet, kind...? Finish your sentance"

Uh...

Must. Refrain. From. Calling. Her. A. Warlock.

"Sweet, kind... Human" I said.

Good 'un.

"Shut up and put your hands behind your head" She fired at me.

"How long have I been on Earth?" I asked "Did you hear my singing?"

"Is that what you call it?" She asked. Handcuffing me "We thought you were being totured"

"We?" I turned around, to see the rest of the 'gang' (apart from Jack) "SEXY!"

"What?" Ianto said, he then blushed furiously "I mean... Who are you talking to?"

At the Hub.

"So..." I said, smiling at them "How are you all doing?"

"WHERE THE FUCK IS JACK?" Gwen suddenly started screaming.

"YEAH!"

Great, I have five guns pointed to my head (Gwen has two) i've been handcuffed, and my throat hurts from singing. Joy.

"YEAH!"

This is going to be fun.

***

"WHERE IS JACK!" Gwen screamed.

"Did I ever tell you how lovely you sound when you're angry?" I asked.

"Shut it, I will kill you!" She snapped.

She needs a counsellor.

"Tell us now!" Someone yelled from behind me, poking their gun at my head.

"He is... Somewhere" I said.

SLAP!

"OUCH!" I yelled, wriggling on the spot "NO NEED TO SLAP ME!"

"WHERE?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I shouted "I'M NOT A HUMAN MAP!"

I'm not even human.

"TELL US!"

"What's the point?" I said "I just said something, and you totally ignored me!"

"Because what you told us was crap!" Tosh said.

Wow... She swore.

This has to be serious then.

In a serious situation, a boy has to become a man.

"WHAT'S THAT?" I said, looking up into the sky.

"What?" They all looked up.

"ME RUNNING!" I laughed, sprinting forward (which is rather tricky when your hands are tied behind your back) "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What was he looking at?" I turned around.

The idiots are all still there! Staring up at the sky, with their guns still pointing at where I was.

"FOOLS!" I yelled, running off.

"SHOOT HIM!" Gwen yelled.

Damn.

"Okay, okay!" I said, stopping, "There's really no need for that!"

I walked back to them...

I would have gotten away, if it wasn't for the meddling twats.

Gwen muttered something about gun not really being loaded, and grabbed onto my arm.

"We have a deal for you" She said, suddenly calm (it's scaring me) "Jack's gone, and we have a great big shitty mess to deal with..."

Oh God, I can see where this is going...

"So, I want you to..." Gwen paused.

"No need to explain, I understand" I said, smiling at her.

Gwen looked shocked, "You do?"

"It's okay" I said.

There are times when a man must be understanding.

"Because it's just been so hard, and I don't know what to do" Gwen sniffed "All we want, just once is for you to..."

"You want me to sleep with you" I said, nodding.

"What?"

I knew she fancied me.

"I get the condoms, you find the lingerie" I said.

"NO!"

Oh.

"What?" I said, staring at her "So... You didn't want to sleep with me?"

"NO!"

I choked...

A girl... Knocked me back...

I might as well commit suicide now.

"But-"

"I have a husband!" Gwen snapped.

"Well he can join in if he wants!" I reasoned "It's all the same to me, I mean-"

SMACK!

"OUCH!" I yelled again "STOP HITTING ME!"

"All we want" Gwen was suddenly calm again (split personalities?) "Is for you to work for us, just for a week, until we find Jack"

Wow.

This feels good.

Must savour the moment, the feeling that I can do good, save the world, be the hero... is overwhelming...

"No fucking way" I said "Now release me from these oh-so-kinky bonds"

"Sorry, it's either a date with the weevil, or you work for us"

The weevil isn't that bad looking.

"Weevil! Weevil!" I said, jumping up and down.

Gwen looked at the others "This isn't what was meant to happen" She muttered.

Owen stomped forwards (sometimes he reminds me of a troll) "You're working for us, because the weevil will eat you"

"Yes Sir" I muttered.

Twat.

"Right, you start monday..." He said, taking the cuffs off of my hands.

Monday.

"So... You expect me to feed the weevils?" I asked Ianto.

"Yep"

"Whilst you guys go out and do your James Bond thing?"

"Yep"

I hate this man.

"And then you expect me to clean out their cages?"

"Yep"

Curse his good looks.

Tuesday.

There is no such thing as a fun job.

Trust me when I say that.

"Now all you need to do, is put all the bits of the body, into the bag" Owen said, stifling laughter.

"OH MY GOD!" I yelled "What the fuck is that?"

"I believe that is a part of his brain" Owen smiled.

Arrogant fool.

Wednesday.

"So there I was, with an alien in front of me, and JUST as the lady was going to die, I killed it with a mere swoop of my sword" I said proudly.

"You were the lady going to die" Gwen said "And it was a bee that was going to 'kill' you"

"So?" I said.

"Go play with the Pterodactyl" She snapped.

Thursday.

"When do I get to leave?" I asked Tosh.

"Never" She said.

"Why?"

"Because you spilt coffee on my computer!" She yelled, throwing a mug at me.

I KNEW she'd bring that up!

Friday.

"Whistle as we work!" I smiled, Gwen muttered something under her breath "What?" I said "I can't help it if the weevils have a cold!"

"Yes you can"Owen said "You didn't have to sneeze on them"

"I HAVE HAY FEVER!" I yelled.

"WHEN?" Gwen cried into the air "When will Jack be back?"

"Hey that rhymes!" I laughed "We could make a song!"

"I will shoot you"

***