Title: All These Things That I've Done
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG
Table: slash_me_twice
Prompt: 32, Past
Author's Note: Continuation of Let Me In.
Warning: on-going story
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Brendan took a deep breath, as though he was somehow steeling himself to talk to the Doctor. The Time Lord frowned, taking his lover's hands and leading him over to the couch that rested against the wall of the control room.

"I don't know just what you intend to tell me, Brendan, but apparently it's something that's giving you a bit of a hard time," he said gently, sinking down onto the couch. "Sit down and get comfortable. And don't worry. You couldn't tell me anything that would affect our relationship."

The Doctor smiled as he spoke, hoping that his words would take what appeared to be a nervous edge away from Brendan's attitude. He could almost feel the other man's tension; it was apparent when he took Brendan's hands in his own.

What could possibly be making him so nervous? the Time Lord asked himself with an inner frown. He couldn't really say anything that was horribly bad, could he?

The Doctor's hearts skipped a beat when the thought occurred to him that Brendan might be telling him that he was going to leave, that he was already tired of the life he'd been leading with the Doctor and that he wanted to be taken back to his life on Earth.

No. That couldn't possibly be what he had to say, the Doctor told himself, swallowing hard and pushing that thought away from his mind. There had been no hint in his manner that he wanted to leave; he didn't seem to be pulling away.

"You aren't leaving, are you?" the Doctor blurted out before he could stop himself, his voice sounding choked and strained even to his own ears. Brendan's head jerked up, those dark eyes widening as he shook his head in protest.

"No, of course not," he said, his own voice firm and decisive. "I wouldn't have made the decision to tell you about my past if I was just going to run away from you."

"Then tell me," the Doctor said softly, squeezing Brendan's hand. His hearts had settled back into their normal smooth rhythm; the panicking thought of Brendan possibly leaving him had fled, leaving him feeling that he was ready to hear anything.

"I've done so many things that I'm not proud of," Brendan began, his voice faltering on the words. The Doctor had never heard him sound like this before; it was as if he was afraid to let himself speak, as if the words were fighting to stay hidden rather than come out into the open.

"You can tell me anything, Brendan," the Doctor said softly, settling back against the couch cushions and trying to prepare himself for whatever he might hear. It coudn't be too awful; he certainly wouldn't fall for a man who had a core of evil in him.

"I've cheated people," Brendan whispered, looking down at the floor. "And I've been the indirect cause of other people's deaths."

"Indirect?" the Doctor asked before he could hold the question back. His mind raced, his dark eyes going wide in shock at Brendan's admission. "I don't believe for a moment that you could have killed anyone, Brendan. I refuse to believe you're that kind of man."

Brendan shook his head, still not looking up, refusing to meet the Doctor's gaze. "No, I haven't done anything like that -- at least, not with my own hands," he said bluntly, his voice low. "But I've been the cause of people taking their lives."

"Then that was their weakness, not yours," the Doctor said firmly. He didn't want to beleive that this man could have plotted to harm others. That wasn't the Brendan he knew; even if something might have happened the he felt responsible for, he wasn't a killer.

"But I drove them to it," Brendan whispered, his hands clutching at the Doctor's. "If it hadn't been for me, they might not have felt so hopeless."

"Listen to me." The Doctor's voice was strong, ringing out in the silence of the control room. "You're not responsible for what other have chosen to do, Brendan. You can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. Whatever they did, it wasn't your fault."

He wanted to remove his hands from Brendan's grasp, to take the other man's face between his hands and make his lover look directly into his eyes, but Brendan was clinging to his hands as though he was some sort of lifeline, a safe port in a storm.

"But it was my fault," Brendan insisted, his voice trembling now. "I pushed them into it, Doctor. And if I'm honest with myself, at the time, I felt no remorse. I felt that they'd gotten what they deserved. I didn't feel guilty at all."

Those words sent a chill of apprehension down the Doctor's spine, but he ignored it. That wasn't what he needed to concentrate on, not at the moment.

Whatever Brendan had done in the past, even if he hadn't felt remorse then, he certainly felt that now. He had changed from the person he was saying that he'd been before -- and that was good enough for the Time Lord.

"You're not the same person, Brendan," he said softly, finally extricating his hands from the other man's grip and placing them on Brendan's face, tilting the other man's face upwards and forcing his lover to look at him.

"Yes, you might still be the man who did those things in the past -- but you've obviously changed and moved away from the person you were then," he whispered, hoping that Brendan was listening to him and understood his meaning.

"I wish I'd never done those things." Brendan's voice was barely audible; tears were beginning to streak slowly down his face, trickling between the Doctor's fingers.

"If you can feel guilt for what you've done in the past that you feel was wrong, then you're a changed man," the Doctor told him, his voice still soft, but strong and firm at the same time. "That's enough for me to have faith in you, Brendan."

Brendan blinked, raising a hand to wipe away the tears from his cheeks as the Doctor released him, then taking the Time Lord's hand in both of his own. He sat there for what seemed like a long time before he heaved a sigh and looked back up at his lover.

"I've turned this over in my head for so long," he said, sounding relieved. "I've wanted to tell you about the sins of my past since we first met, but I didn't know how to do it. I was afraid that you'd turn me away once you found out what I used to be like."

"I have a feeling that you have much more to tell me," the Doctor murmured, his gaze not leaving the other man's face. "But we have time, Brendan. All the time you need."

"I've already wasted too much time that we could have had together by not telling you," Brendan said, sighing again. "All the things that I've done in that past have really been weighing on me, Doctor. And I still worry that you'll want me out of your life once you know them all."

The Doctor shook his head, a slight smile on his lips. "That isn't going to happen, Brendan. If you didn't show any remorse, then maybe I'd have reservations about being with you. But .... I don't. I want to be with you. No matter what lies in your past."

"It's not the past we should be concentrating on, is it?" Brendan asked him, his voice sounding a bit stronger, as though relief was taking away his uncertainty. "It's the future. Our future, together. That's the important thing."

"I couldn't agree more," said the Doctor, standing up and pulling Brendan to his feet as well. He knew that there was still more to hear, but whatever it was, he was determined not to let it tear this man away from him -- or disrupt the future that the two of them would hopefully share.

***

Next story in series - Chequered Pasts.