Title: Jack could totally take Wonder Woman
By: lilithangel
Pairings: gen
Rating: G
Summary: written for round three of writerinadrawer. The prompt was Under the influence with a side order of mandatory mustelid (I chose a Wolverine).

***

“What happened?” Jack looked at Owen and Ianto sprawled out in a cell reading comics.

“Owen decided that the bottle clearly marked, do not touch,” Tosh said, “Was caramel syrup for the coffee. He spiked his and Ianto’s and well… that happened.” She gestured helplessly.

“And that is?” Jack prompted.

“First they collapsed then Owen started yelling, Ianto bit him and he tried to run away but fell over and started crying. Then Ianto tried to comfort him, which is when we realised something was wrong,” Tosh explained.

“Well they fight all the time,” Gwen added, “but Owen crying and Ianto petting him?” She shuddered lightly.

“We realised they had somehow mentally regressed to children,” Tosh said.

“Not that that was far for Owen,” Gwen said under her breath and Jack grinned.

“They were terrified and crying,” Tosh said, “Gwen managed to calm them down by showing them Myfanwy. You know boys and dinosaurs. Owen knew what she was and everything.” Tosh sounded almost proud.

“They don’t seem to be acting like small children,” Jack said with a curious look.

“They appear to be slowly returning to their actual age,” Tosh answered. “When they got to eight we tricked them into a cell.”

“They were getting into everything,” Gwen said, “Ianto had logged into one of the computers. He really knows his numbers,” she said, impressed.

“Owen discovered the autopsy room,” Tosh said, her eyes wide.

“It was kind of cute seeing what they must have been like as little boys,” Gwen said. “Ianto was so careful about things and worried about Owen crying.”

“Then Owen got all cute and angry when Ianto cried too, and went all grr-face at me,” Tosh said with a grin. “I’ve got it on CCTV for later blackmail.”

“What do they remember?” Jack said.

“They seem to know what Torchwood is,” Tosh said, “but process it through the minds of children.”

“We think they’re around ten mentally now, bless,” Gwen said.

“How did you trick them into the cell?” Jack flipped on the audio to the cell.

“Comics and candy.”

“So who would win in a fight,” Owen was speaking. “Wolverine or Jack?”

“Wolverine,” Ianto said, rolling his eyes, “they can’t die, but Wolverine’s got the claws. Jack can’t beat the claws.”

“He could totally take Wonder Woman though,” Owen said.

“Of course,” Ianto nodded, “she’s a girl and Jack has all the cool gadgets. Not like her stupid bracelets and lasso.”

“Jack’s like Batman isn’t he?” Owen said excitedly. “I could be Robin and you could be Batgirl.”

Ianto kicked out at Owen. “You can be Batgirl, you’re smaller than me.”

“So?” Owen said with a pout.

“We could take turns,” Ianto caved.

“Okay and we could drive around in the SUV and defeat the baddies.” Owen leapt to his feet and punched at the air. “Biff! Pow! Take that bad guy.”

Ianto was bouncing in his seat like he wanted to join Owen, but was too afraid to. He had a pile of comics neatly stacked beside him and he fussed with them instead.

“And Torchwood saves the day!” Owen cried out, and dragged Ianto to his feet for a victory dance.

“You’re getting all this?” Jack asked Tosh, who nodded with a grin as the boys posed heroically.

“By my calculations, they’ll be back to normal in twelve hours,” she said.

Two hours later Jack checked on the CCTV to find Ianto out of his suit jacket and tie sitting cross legged on the bunk with Owen. Both of them were facing the wall and writing on it.

Tosh had gone down with more food and returned as Jack watched. “Can you see what they’re writing?” she said.

“I can guess,” Jack laughed.

“They’re turning into brats. They don’t like being cooped up, comics are for little kids, they want pizza and someone will have to take them to the bathroom and it’s not going to be me,” she said flatly.

Jack wasn’t laughing when he brought the boys back to their cell after promising to bring them PSPs because they were bored. Ianto couldn’t look at him without blushing and Owen kept calling him a dirty perve. That wasn’t anything new, but now he felt like one.

He really hope Ianto didn’t go through a rebellious stage, the young man knew far too much about the inner workings of the Hub to be get loose under Owen’s influence.

He was beginning to doubt they would be able tell when the two weren’t under the influence of Tosh’s alien experiment. The morning really couldn’t come fast enough.

***

Next story in series - Growing up is hard to do.