Title: AFFIRMATION
Author: Moi! sephirothflame
Livejournal: http://sephirothflame.livejournal.com/
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, but if it was... –evil laughter-
Warnings: Slash
Pairings: David Hodges x Greg Sanders
Summary: Several little pieces of their time together leading up to them actually being a couple. With several bumps to survive and holes to fill, but can they make it?
Spoiler warning! none
A/N: It took me about 4 hours to get this right, and it's based on the song AFFIRMATION by Savage Garden. Yay for Savage Garden!

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands

They've argued. Of course they've argued. Are you really a couple if you've never argued? Having an argument and surviving it is like the official stamp of a relationship. If you can weather an argument, you can weather most of the rest of the relationship. They just happen to argue more now then they used to. Sometimes it was valid, but most of the time is was for pointless little mistakes either had made. Dripping on the floor, stepping on the cat's tail, leaving a mess wherever they went. One couldn't stand it, the other failed to see the point in arguing about it.

It always ended up with them arguing these days. Tensions were high, and it was easy for a fight to break out. Not that they'd last long. Little things would make them fight, just as little things would stop them. Sometimes things as simple as the cat's hungry meowing, sometimes the neighbor banging on the door telling them to 'shut up, we're trying to sleep here'. If the two of them kept fighting, they were both likely to get evicted for the noise they were making from their separate apartments (because they fought everywhere).

Yet, despite it all, they kept coming back to each other. As odd as it sounded, they were still in love. Happy, maybe not, but a strange magnetic force always brought them together. They clashed, true, but a moment apart sent their worlds spiraling down into some unknown hell. Simple moments brought smiles to their lips, such as one cooking pancakes (even though he couldn't really cook) or the other suffering through some movie he hated for the other. Always, if only for the briefest moment, they were happy.

They were miserable by themselves. With friends, little smiles could be brought up, but they were addicted to each other. While it had its horrible side-effects, this drug called love, it could be bliss. Withdrawal was cold, painful, and they were next to impossible to be cheered up. They were happy together. They loved their drug. They loved each other. They needed each other to stay happy, to stay smiling.

I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do

What there was to eat was always interesting, depending on who's place you were at. Whenever they were at the younger's house it was all random foods. Slowly expiring Chinese take-out, cold pizza from a week ago, and bundles of sweets- namely chocolate and chips. If anything, the younger male was addicted. While the other complained, he knew he was powerless. He restrained from arguing about it. If nothing else, he'd been working on his self-control. Yet, seeing as all the younger ate was junk-food, he was annoyed. It wasn't just unhealthy; it could be down right disgusting.

Then again, that was coming from the guy who was pretty much Mr. Healthy. Carrots, little to no meat, and crackers. He wasn't a rabbit, but he wasn't a pig like his younger companion. Not that he didn't eat junk-food, the other could coax him into a couple bites. But the way of persuasion often left both of them too tired to care for eating anymore. This, now that he thought about it, made him wonder if the other had wanted him to eat the greasy, fatty crap anyways. When they got up, he'd always eat it though.

Every now and then while they ate, they'd talk about their parents, and where they grew up. Well, technically it was the younger doing all the talking, because the other never really cared about telling others about himself. He wasn't raised as being open, and he had no intention to start. The other was a complete idiot who oft lacked self-control and was used to getting what he wanted. It was kind of ironic that neither thought about their personalities much unless their parents were mentioned. Sure, they did their best (or did as well as they could) when it came to raising them, you'd just think they thought about themselves more often.

Not that they weren't selfish, everyone was, but the younger was all for giving his companion his all while the opposite could be said for the other. He was closed, and didn't like saying much about himself. The younger never pressured, it would be pointless to start an argument now. Besides, he was afraid to being kicked out of his apartment. Maybe how a person is now really is all based on how their parents raised them. Oh well, the younger was positive his parents did their best. The other didn't care to think about it.

I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

One thing he didn't like about being at the younger' place (besides the pestering, the mess, and the stupid male himself) was the magazines he had lying around. More then once he found himself wondering if he was with a woman, not a gay guy. Because, truth be told, he didn't know any guy who had beauty magazines hidden under music and gaming magazines, gay or not. But the thing that bothered him most was looking at the girls in them. Beautiful girls like that only came along, 1 in a million.

He was a guy, and delightfully not interested in his looks that much, and those girls made him feel ugly. What, with anorexic bodies, long blonde hair, blue eyes and tits the size of Texas. If it made him feel unworthy and ugly, how must the make young girls feel? He was more worried how they made young pre-teen, just starting high-school girls feel. He'd seen a case where a girl went psycho and eventually killed herself slowly because she wasn't 'beautiful' enough. She was the one girl he had ever thought to be remarkably beautiful.

This, he told no one. No one ever had the right, or need really, to understand his distaste for beauty magazines. He was a guy, so he wasn't supposed to like them anyways. He re-hid the magazines and looked around the younger's apartment, listening to him as he bumbled around the kitchen cooking something he called 'lasagna' that would more then likely end up looking like cat puke in a dish. He smiled warmly, enjoying the secret struggle the other was suffering through in an attempt to try to prove his 'undying' love.

It was sweet, and times like this made him really feel loved. Not that he didn't at other times, but more often then not it felt like the other was suffering, trying to push his love onto him. It was nice, sitting her and just accepting the feeling that he was loved. He would never admit it, oh no, he'd be dead before he did that. Yet this was nice, this feeling of love. If he had to put up with the younger longer just for these simple, little feelings he would.

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

The room was quiet. Neither of them spoke. The room had a cold, forbidding feeling. This was completely odd though, because they hadn't fought yet, and well, they hadn't really done or said anything yet. Maybe you could interpret it as how the night was going to turn out, or maybe they were just suffering an awkward silence, which would still be odd because they'd long since gotten over the awkward stage of it all. The two of them sat in silence, leaning against each other and staring into space.

Maybe, this was going to be how they ended up. Cold, and alone where every look at the other seemed forbidden. A quick glance and feelings they couldn't explain sprung to life within them. Maybe this is the payback for the way he had treated the other. He'd been cold and never cared, and now that was how the other ended up feeling for him. It pained him, and he resisted the urge to sob. He wrapped his arms around the other, pulling him onto his lap, burying his face in the other's hair. The younger squeaked startled, but just wrapped his arms around too.

They both knew the feeling. This, as rough and uneasy as it was, was pure. Yes, they fought and screamed, and the younger had left three deep scratch marks on his face, this was love. They'd both been pained before, been on the rough side of relationships. They had both been hopelessly devoted to someone only for the world to come crashing down on them and felt the butt end of pure hate. It hurt, and just thinking about it made the two cling to each other tighter. For now, they just wanted to hold onto each other as these terrible feelings reached them, poisoning their minds.

Yes, it really was love they felt. And after this night, the older was positive he'd put forth a much stronger effort to continue holding onto the blonde, inhaling his scent. All the times the younger attempted to cook for him, all the times he'd cleaned the younger's apartment (afraid he'd die in his own filth), all these stupid pointless, yet oddly sweet moments flickered through his mind. He felt warm fingers brushing away tears he didn't even know he still had in him. He didn't want to loose the other, and closed his eyes. This was warm. This was love.

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

When he moved to Vegas from LA, he had hoped and dreamed it would be better. There was no way the people could be meaner, colder, and more dangerous then the ones he used to work with. Not that he was proved wrong, but he wasn't proved right either. He did end up working with people of the same sort, though most of the harassment came from the idiots who worked on dayshift. He never said anything; after all, it was still better. Anything was better then the cruelty bestowed upon him in the cursed city of LA.

Yet, long nights working for idiots who didn't respect him, the cold and uncaring way people felt about him, the cruel words written in permanent marker on his locker never changed. It was like being in high school again, and some times, for fleeting moments, he almost wished he had never left. But he quickly changed his mind from that. The people here were different; they didn't have the cruelty, the hatred that the others he used to work with harbored towards him. They might not have liked him, but hurting him would never occur to them. They didn't have it in them.

But apparently he did. Thoughts of his ex-wife drifted into his mind, sometimes, when he was sitting alone in his Lab at work. The beautiful women he had agreed to marry for reasons he didn't even remember. He had never been in love with her; he didn't even remember loving her. He remembered how much she loved him though, the way she'd always look after him and care for him. It was pure, untainted love. Something he could never return, and yet, the moment he received his divorce papers he died a bit in spirit.

He was cold and sarcastic, and a workaholic. She knew that when he proposed to her (because that is what she wanted). Yet, there were the papers, lying on the desk he had rented. She would never have had wanted it, unless some unknown force intervened. He'd long since known she was having an affair, but he had never cared. She still loved and cared for him. Yet, the more he read the papers, the more he regretted everything he had ever done for the past six years. Never mind the fact he didn't really love her, he loved being needed by her. But now she had someone else. And he was alone.

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy

He'd long since known he wasn't interested in girls. He didn't remember when he realized it, but he remembered never having any interest into females. He also remembered the jests and pranks against him for it, and he remembered when his parents found out. They'd try to convert him to liking girls, but it didn't work. He knew he couldn't like girls, it was pointless to try. Yet, until he was thirteen he pretended for his parents' sake. He remembered them finding out he'd been lying to them about it. He remembered the shame they felt. He remembered how they felt for lying to them.

He never wanted to lie to them, yet he didn't want them to hate him. He remembered that, he stopped talking to them. With the exception of him living there, he practically disappeared from their lives. He didn't try to kill himself, or run away even though it would save them the embarrassment of having a son like him. He remembered dating girls, trying to ease their minds a little, mostly lesbians trying to convince their parents they were straight. It worked out fine for all of them, and he didn't have to pretend to be in love. It was simply accepted by the girls he liked guys and he didn't care they liked girls. It was nice, but he hated still having to pretend.

He didn't trust easy and not many people had ever earned it, but he remembered one case. While pretending to date a girl, he had dated a guy, who was also dating a girl. The two trusted each other, so it never mattered. It was the same now, when the younger male chatted chipperly in the dining room as he rooted through the fridge for syrup. The younger had openly admitted seeing girls (he didn't believe in monogamy), and the other didn't care. It was an unspoken fact that the younger wouldn't leave him. And the older trusted him.

It was a gift, a blessing, in his conceited eyes. Yet, as he thought about it, it was a gift and a blessing he still knew how to trust at all. It was so easy to trust the younger, and he had no fear in doing it anymore. He'd admitted he was scared of trusting the blonde for many reasons, yet the other only laughed and shook it off. He really was easy to trust, despite the fact he had as many girlfriends and boyfriends as fingers.

I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

The younger was beautiful. He'd never denied it, but it was deeper that that. True, despite his crazy hair, he had a beyond gorgeous body, he really was a beautiful person. Physically and mentally. It was almost as if he didn't know how to hate, and all he could give was kindness. He'd gone out of his way to rescue kittens, but then again that could have just meant he was a cat person. Still, the blonde was one of those all around nice people. To hurt him, would be like hurting a cute innocent little puppy dog.

And if the younger was beautiful, that would make him hideous (at least in his own mind). He wasn't the best looking person, and he wasn't near the nicest. He was a sadist, in his own little way. He loved starting fights with the younger male, just to get him riled up. He liked hurting the male, yet almost as soon as it was over, he'd realize his mistakes and go into intense self-loathing. He'd never admit how much he hated himself. It was even worse that he was comparing himself to the blonde hair could-be god reborn on earth. He was so sweet, and beautiful.

And it was nice to have him around, because he was family. Never mind he was always splurging money on the other, and had ended up moving into the same apartment as the other (which was almost twice as expensive as his old one), and he had to buy all the icky food the other loved, they were family now. True, they never got married (it was pretty much illegal everywhere in the states), didn't change the fact they were family. Hospital records, credit cards, apartment, even the cats' vet info was all cosigned with both names on it.

No one ever questioned them, and they were glad. True they were broke now, and would be for many months to come (so many bills to pay, and his stupid cat had to go and have kittens) they were content, if not happy. They hardly ever fought, though once in a while they'd storm off in a fury. Most nights it was cuddling on the couch, deciding names for the new cats the other brought in (they now had nine, but five of the kittens were going) because even if they married, they could never have kids. For now, they'd hold each other, and be in bliss. Money isn't worth that much these days anyways.

I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

After crashing his car, and spending a month in the hospitable in a comatose state, the bills were unimaginable. With only one working, it was impossible to keep the apartment and the utilities. It wasn't fair that the younger had to work over time and suck it all up for the month in a week, struggling to pay the bills while the other was unable to move. It wasn't fair he was behind on the rent, and that if he didn't pay soon he'd be stuck in a cold, waterless apartment (if he still had it). It was beyond impossible to keep everything paid.

It was even worse when he had to take the humiliation of begging his parents for a little money after their entire store had depleted. Who would have thought in only a month's time they could be so bad off? They were in debt, he owed so many people his money, and his parents were starting to criticize and worry about him. They wanted him to stay with them, where they had the money for everything they needed, and many things they wanted. They didn't understand what it was like for him to be suffering, and they didn't comprehend how much he loved the sarcastic ass that crashed his car.

They weren't millionaires, but they weren't as bad off as him. In the end, he “rented” out the second room to his niece who was attending the local collage. Her little money helped, but not much. He wished he had the money, and the status of a millionaire. For a fleeting moment, he thought of robbing a bank and leaving his companion far, far behind. He shuddered at the thought, and continued to work as hard as he could. He was half-dead when the other came home, and was aghast when he had to stay home for two weeks.

He only stayed home for a few days, before jumping back into work to help cover the cost of everything. Neither of them stayed home much, and went many a days on only one meal. What they wouldn't give to be rich, and have this all paid off. What they wouldn't give to kill those millionaires who make it so easy to be rich and have all their utilities and homes paid off. Neither cried nor went soft, they toughed up and got it all paid off (though it took almost a year for it all to be up to date again). Smiling bitterly, the collapsed and slept through the day.

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

They gave life their all, and it was so much easier and enjoyable after that. True the older still had the whole sarcastic ass thing going for him, but it was much easier now. He gave his all to the younger male, and it was more then eagerly returned. Nights where they were collapsed together on the heated water bed gave them time to think when they weren't otherwise engaged. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they just listened. It was calm and peaceful. It was so odd thinking about it, compared to how they used to be, fighting over every odd and end.

Maybe, what you give is what you get, maybe not. This was so different from what they had given each other at first, but at any rate, neither could complain. Not now, especially not after they had both gotten the gold bands resting snugly on their ring fingers. They continued to lie, shivering in the cold night air, just watching each other with gentle smiles on their faces. What he gave to receive a gift as pure and wonderful as this, he wanted to know. He probably didn't deserve it, but there was no way in hell he was giving it back.

They were meant to be together, there was no way to deny it and you'd be crazy to try. Yes they'd fought, and yes they'd attempted to break up more then once, but they knew how stupid it was to try. They were meant to be, despite all the trouble and rough spots they'd had. They'd weathered it all together, and it was almost impossible to live knowing what they'd given up. It was different from being married to his wife, this really was love. This really was pure. Neither relied heavily on the other, neither was less worthy then the other.

They learned to share everything, feelings included. Sometimes they didn't, but they learned how. If they wanted to stop the stupid cycle of breaking up and getting together again they'd had too. Now that they had, they didn't regret it either. Even as they were laying there in the dark, covered by nothing but a warm mink blanket, they realized this. The younger mouthed the words, 'I love you', before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep. The other held his hand gently, before wrapping his arms around the other. This was love, he smiled, this he could die for.

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

They had learned each other's point of views, and met each others families, the vain of their existences. And they found how rough they really did have it. While the younger's parents and grandparents had accepted it, his brothers and sisters seemed slightly insulted to have a brother such as him. It was as if he wasn't good enough to be around them, and this saddened him. One would think, after twenty something years they'd get over it. Yet, somewhere, deep inside, they still were disgusted by it.

The younger met the older's parents who did their best to hide their dissatisfaction at their son marrying another man. They didn't squirm or blatantly state their disgust, but they couldn't look either of the two males in their eyes. Whether this shamed them or not, was never mentioned. Neither could decided which was worse, to have your parents hate you, or your siblings. They'd both turned out semi-okay so it didn't seem that big of a deal. Still, the lack of love and family was evident between them and the certain hating members.

It wasn't hard saying goodbye to the family after the even took place, but it was hard to say goodbye when the younger was called into work into an emergency after the first day married. Something about the word 'goodbye' brought chills to his spine and he vowed to stop saying it to the other. And he did, it was always 'Later' or 'Back soon' because it would imply nothing was over. 'Goodbye' could be the last words they ever said, and the younger couldn't live with that. Not after all that had happened recently between them.

While it wasn't as hard for the older to say goodbye, his mind often lingered on the male. He'd watch him through the glass walls at work, and they'd sneak kisses when they thought no one was watching. It was hard being apart from the other for even a few moments, and every time he saw him, he longed to reach out and pull him into a warm embrace. It was silly, he knew, that the word 'goodbye' could affect them both in such a way. Yet, at the same time, they both silently vowed never to say it to each other again.

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed

One of the things they had to learn how to do quickly was how to forgive each other. Yet it was so hard to do, and sometimes they wondered if it was worth it. There were times when they said it, when they knew they shouldn't have had, and there were times they should have said it when they didn't. It was common for any kind of relationship, yet here they were beating themselves over what they were supposed to forgive and what they weren't. Silly little things that were begging for apologies, and then the things that would degrade the other.

Then there was the whole thing of wanting to forgive but not knowing how. It was hard sometimes, to get the words out of their mouths, but they were never as hard as actually saying 'I'm sorry' or 'Please Forgive' me because that would be admitting they made a mistake. As stupid as it was, they still had a problem doing that. Then there was the whole apologizing when they don't mean it, when it was against something they believed. Still, they needed to forgive and forget, even though it caused more grief then bliss.

It was anything but easier after they got married. Everything complicated, whether they noticed or not. Yet some things just didn't seem as important now that they were married. Yes, they'd slept together, but not nearly as often. Mostly just cuddling under the warm blanket, breathing on each other's necks. Somehow, they didn't need that feeling it gave them anymore. They were married and happy; they didn't need it to stay together. Although it didn't stop them from not doing it, it just wasn't as demanding as a feeling as it used to be.

Still, it was nice to just curl up next to each other and be content every now and then. Their schedules of work and the young female still staying in the extra room also lessened time that they had if they had wanted to. Not that they could complain, they were getting money, and having fun. It was a nice life, and if it meant not as much sex, then they could live with it—at least for now they could. No telling how they would feel in a couple days or weeks time, but for now, it was all good. And they were happy they were married.

I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

Sometimes, when they were flipping through channels they'd stop to watch the guy preaching on the TV for a brief moment. They wondered how much he got paid, and if was nice wondering they could spread word of god the same way movies and shows spread word of the devil. They'd never cared much, neither of them were Christians or Catholics, or anything along the sorts, but every now and then they'd watch to see how they were going to hell today. It was amusing, and they wondered what God would have thought if he saw this.

The older was raised believing the TV was Satan's tool, but he'd never believed it. Kind of pointless too, and he wondered if anyone else was raised like that. He looked at the younger who had already grown bored was flipping through the channels again. Though neither believed, sometimes they liked to wonder what it would be like if they were religious. First off they wouldn't be together, and that thought normally ended the train of thought to come together. Homosexuality and Religion didn't mix, even though the minority was straight white Christian males. Which, they definitely weren't.

It was funny, watching those shows about eternal damnation. As far as they were concerned, as long as they were in love hell would be a walk in the park. It was kind of funny, because either way, according to the Christians, they would be in hell. Yet, at the same time it was sad. They would go to hell for being in love. They quickly convinced themselves to think about something nicer, happier. And somehow it returned to love, and how, as long as they'd stay together, they would be together throughout eternity.

It was a nice thought, even if it didn't mean much to anyone else but them, but they'd like that. They wanted people to remember them for being madly in love, despite all the stupid little arguments they had. They wanted to be remembered as the two whose spirits were still out there somewhere in love. Because, true love survived everything.

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye (until you say goodbye)