Title: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
By: Fran Holland
PAIRING: Gil/Nick

Gil was so absorbed in a fascinating article in his newest issue of Forensic Magazine that his cell phone ring startled him. He grabbed it off the table and flipped it open. His breath caught when he saw Nick's name on the display.

Voice low, he answered, "Nick?"

"Hey, Gil. I hope I didn't wake you. I just..." Gil heard a deep breath, "needed to hear your voice."

"Nicky..." Shit, he hadn't meant to call him that. "Nick, you can't do this to me."

"Do what?" Nick said unsure and confused. "Why are you whispering?"

"You pushed me away. Then you do this to me every few weeks, you call or come by and we wind up in bed. You tell me you need me in your life, but then the next day you are backing off again. I can't live like this. I wanted you, but that wasn't enough for you."

"Wanted, as in, past tense?" Nick's voice was forlorn.

"Wanted, as in, I've got to move on with my life." Gil whispered.

"Why are you whispering?" Nick asked again.

"Sara is upstairs asleep." Gil closed his eyes, waiting for the explosion.

"Oh." That single word broke Gil's heart. He waited for Nick to say more, but the phone was silent.

"Nick? Are you okay?" Gil asked with real concern.

"Sure, Gil. Just peachy." Gil heard the dial tone. He closed his phone and laid it on the table again. He leaned back on the couch and covered his eyes with his hands.

"I heard you talking to someone. Who called?" Sara was halfway down the stairs. "Hey, are you okay? Got a headache?" Sara continued down the stairs.

"Just a small headache, I'm okay." Gil hated lying.

"Have you taken anything? I can get your medicine...." Sara ran her hand over his forehead.

"I said I was okay." Gil said a little more forcefully than he meant too.

Sara pursed her lips and removed her hand. "Sorry. Who was on the phone, Gil?"

"The lab, they needed to know where I keep the extra requisition forms." Another lie. "I'm tired, I think I'll head up to bed." Gil stood, picked up his phone and turned to her, "Are you coming?"

"I'll be up in a minute. I'm just going to get some water." Sara's voice was a little cool.

Gil got undressed in the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and pulled on a pair of flannel sleep pants. He used to sleep in the nude when he was with Nick. He used to do a lot of things differently when he was with Nick. Mad at himself for thinking about the man that broke his heart, he snatched open the door to the bathroom and saw Sara holding his phone.

"Why did you feel the need to lie?" Sara was pacing. "Why couldn't you have just said it was Nick? Why was he calling you on your off time? Why did you lie to me about Nick calling, he's on your team, it's not like he's your secret lover? Why, Gil?"

Gil sat down on the edge of the bed, his shoulders hunched forward because at this moment, he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Sara, I really, really don't want to get into this now. I'm tired and want some sleep."

"Fine! You're always tired. Always, Gil. I thought we had a relationship, but we've only had sex once. Once! You seem to want me here, but you don't want to touch me. You talk to me more at the lab than you do here." Sara's voice had escalated until she was shouting.

"Maybe if you wanted more sex, you should have found someone else." Gil said bluntly.

Sara looked as if he had hit her.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." Gil sounded resigned.

"Talk to me, Gil." Sara just stood there, leaning on the dresser, dressed in her bathrobe. It was just one of the many things she had brought over to his house in the week since they had sex. Had it only been seven days? She already had more stuff in his house, than Nick had in the four months that they were together. He had found a pair of Nick's boxer briefs in the bottom of the laundry hamper three days ago. They were now folded and in his own underwear drawer, he hadn't washed them. Funny, if it had been a pair of panties, Sara would have zeroed in on them in seconds, but she had assumed they were his.

"Gil?" Sara's voice startled him out of his musings.

"This was all a mistake. I love you, Sara, but more like a friend or daughter than anything else. I can't do this. I'm sorry." Gil was miserable, he'd hurt Nick and now he was hurting Sara.

"A mistake? So, I'm just supposed to say 'no problem' and just pack my shit and leave?"

"Sara, I never pushed you. You are the one who showed up on my doorstep a week ago. You've been the pursuer here. I don't think I've ever lead you on, have I?"

Sara stopped moving about the room and stopped in front of Gil. "You know what, you're right. You haven't led me on, but you let me assume that you had feelings for me. God, Gil, we had sex!"

Gil closed his eyes, remembering the 'sex'. She had been the aggressor, she had taken off his clothes and used her hands and mouth to arouse him and she was even on top. He did not participate much at all. At the moment of his orgasm, he had been thinking of Nick's beautiful body.

Sara snatched up the clothing she had removed earlier and dropped her bathrobe. She was completely nude underneath. She stood there for a few seconds, willing him to look at her, to show a sign of arousal. She got neither. His eyes remained closed and his body seemed to hum with tension. She pulled on her jeans and didn't even bother to put on her bra, she just slid the t-shirt over her head.

"I'm going to go home." Sara said quietly. "If it's okay, I'll swing by tomorrow and pick up my stuff."

"I'm sorry, Sara." Gil finally did open his eyes. "I do really care about you."

"I know. Really." Sara walked out of the bedroom and a few minutes later he heard his front door open and close.

He lay back on the bed. The headache he had lied to Sara about had become reality. There was a dull, aching pain between his eyes. He was just too tired to get up an d get some aspirin, so he lay there a long time thinking of the mess he had made of his life, Sara's life and the life of the man he loved.

Gil awoke with a sense of dread. He was not looking forward to facing Nick and Sara. For so long, his life had been fine. No relationships, not many friends, just work and his bugs. He had been relatively happy. Then Nick had broken down the walls and he had fallen head over heels for the brown eyed Texan. Now there was this thing with Sara. God, he wished he could turn back time. But would he? Would he give up that time spent with Nick? No, he could honestly say, he wouldn't.

He was one of the first of his team to show up and he spent that time going through paperwork and getting assignments ready. At 11:00 on the nose, he walked into the conference room to greet his team. Catherine and Warrick were teasing Greg about his newest haircut. Nick was staring straight ahead, tapping a pencil on the table and Sara was at the far end of the table, looking at a file. They all looked up when he entered and he greeted them as a group.

He handed out all the assignments, but Nick's. Since their breakup, Gil and Nick had not worked a case together. Gil just wanted to give them both time. He shocked himself as much as Nick, when he said, "Nick, you're with me."

"Okay." Nick said hesitantly and stood up. "What do we have?"

"DB at the Circus Circus kitchen." Gil turned to go. Nick followed about ten paces behind.

Once they were in the parking lot, Gil called back, "I'll drive."

"Fine." Nick said.

Both men were silent as they got in the SUV and buckled up. Gil drove out of the parking lot and headed north.

Nick took note and said, "You're going the wrong way."

"Yeah." Gil said shortly. He continued to drive north.

After a few more minutes, Nick said, "Aren't they waiting for us at the scene?"

"I lied." Gil said, and then added, "I've been doing that a lot lately."

Nick turned in the seat to look at him. Knowing he wasn't going to get any information out of Gil until Gil was ready to give it, he stayed silent and watchful.

Pretty soon, Gil turned off the street onto a road that ran through some old warehouses. He pulled through a gate and parked behind a warehouse that had a faded sign that advertised 'Integrated Cabling'.

Gil turned off the ignition and sat there quietly. He could feel Nick's eyes on him, but did not turn. Finally, he spoke.

"I made mistakes in our relationship Nick. Big mistakes..." Gil started.

"You got that right and you're still making them." Nick interrupted.

"Nick, this is hard for me and I would like you to listen to what I have to say. Please."

Nick looked down and began picking at his fingertips, something he always did when he was nervous. "Go ahead."

"After you called, Sara and I had a 'discussion'. She left and she won't be back. I used her. Maybe to prove something to myself. Maybe to prove something to you. I don't know, but I'm not proud of it. I slept with her once, just once, Nick and the whole time I was thinking of you."

When Nick opened his mouth to speak, Gil held up his hand. Nick nodded his understanding.

"When you and I were together, I wasn't very good at the whole communication thing. I assumed you knew how I felt, what I needed and I never asked how you felt about things or what you needed."

"I remember vividly our first time. It was the best I've ever had, but I didn't tell you that, did I?" Since it was a rhetorical question, Nick remained silent.

"You were so open and honest and loving. You gave everything. I feel that I didn't give you anything. You wanted to tell our friends, I refused. But I never told you why. You assumed it was because I was ashamed of our relationship, ashamed of being in a homosexual relationship, ashamed of you. You were wrong. I was afraid because telling people about us meant that we were a couple. It scared me to death. I was falling so deeply in love with you, but I never told you. I was so scared that I pulled away. That's when the long hours started and because you felt neglected, it's when our fights started."

Nick noticed a tear slide down Gil's cheek. He longed to brush it away, but there was still so much left unsaid and he knew Gil needed to say it all at once.

"I remember the night you made dinner and I was late. Dinner was cold and you were sitting on the couch when I came in. I hadn't called you, nor answered your calls. I had never seen you so angry. I accused you of acting like a wife. After you stormed out, I found your gift in the bedroom. I felt so small. I did pick up the phone to call you, but I couldn't dial the number. I slept on the couch that night because I could sleep in that bed without you."

Nick remembered that night. He had bought some satin sheets and put them on Gil's bed and had lit candles. Then he had finished up dinner, roast chicken with rosemary potatoes and raspberry mousse for dessert.

"After that night, you were never the same. The last time we had sex, you just lay there, like you weren't even in the same room with me. Neither of us...finished."

"That next day you told me it was over. I told myself it was for the best. You needed more than I could give. I told myself I was okay with it. I didn't need you."

"That lasted about a week, remember? You came over on a Saturday and we had sex. No, we fucked. There was no tenderness, none of the playfulness I associated with you, none of the love. I felt empty afterwards. I had gotten off, but it was no better than masturbation."

"You left right afterwards and I didn't hear from you for ten days, you didn't return my calls. At work you were professional but cold. Ten days later, you showed up again. That time, we fucked on my living room floor, you treated me like I was some whore you bought and paid for."

"It's been twelve days since then. Twelve fucking days and you call again. I guess I'm lucky that you didn't just show up. Sara might have gotten a little show." Gil said sarcastically. "Because I can't say no to you."

"Damn you, Nick Stokes. I fell in love with you and I made the mistake of not telling you. I'm sorry. I still love you and will always love you, but I can't continue this game you're playing. Please, if you ever had any feelings for me at all, please stop."

Nick sat there, watching tears stream down Gil's face. In a voice barely a whisper, he said, "It's not a game. Not really. I did want to punish you. I knew I couldn't live without you. But I thought you didn't want me, you didn't love me."

With a sad laugh, Nick said quietly, "Those days when I didn't return your calls, I was parked on your street, watching your house. I had to be near you. I was watching when Sara showed up last week. When your bedroom light came on, I knew that you and she...that you were....God, it hurt so much." Tears were running down Nick's face and Gil reached up and gently wiped them away.

"We have really messed this whole thing up, haven't we?" Gil said softly, his blue eyes moist.

Nick couldn't speak, he just nodded.

"Nick, I love you. I mean that."

"So, where do we go from here?" Nick asked.

"I'm leaving it up to you. I want you in my life. If you want to be co-workers, I'll manage. If you want to be friends, I'll be the best friend you've ever had. If you want to be sex partners, I can live with that."

"What if I want to be your co-worker, friend and sex partner?" Nick asked.

Nick saw the effect of his words, Gil's chin came up proudly. "Whatever you want."

"What if I want it all?" Nick asked, this time his hand brushed Gil's cheek.

"All?" Gil looked confused.

"Yeah. I want you to be my co-worker, friend, sex partner, lover, mate. I won't settle for less this time, Gil. It's all or nothing."

Gil looked back into those brown eyes he loved and bit his lower lip. "All or nothing, huh?"

Nick nodded his head.

"Can you get out of your lease?"

Nick smiled, "Why do you ask?"

"You can't have it all if you aren't living with me." Gil said as he reached behind Nick's neck and pulled him in for a long kiss.

Several breathless minutes later, Nick spoke, "Don't we have an assignment?"

"I told you that I lied. I signed us out for a very early meal break. We have about fifteen minutes left."

"What a shame." Nick said as he took Gil's hand and put it down on his tight crotch.

"Nick, you are so not playing fair." Gil said as he pulled his hand back and started the engine. He heard Nick's sexy chuckle as he backed out of the lot and headed back to the lab.

They had made it to the first red light, when Gil spared a glance sideways. He almost rear-ended the compact car in front of him when he saw that Nick had his cock out and was stroking it. Nick's eyes were fixed on him and the tip of his tongue was barely visible between his lips. Gil thought it was the sexiest thing he had ever seen.

"The light's green, boss." Nick said wickedly.

"You are going to pay for this later." Gil said as he tried to drive without hitting someone. His eyes were bouncing back and forth between the road and Nick's cock.

"Promises, promises." Nick panted as his hand got faster. He arched his back and with a flash of forethought, aimed his cock off the seat so his cum landed on the floor mat under his feet and not on the cloth seats.

"God, Nicky." Gil swallowed. Gil's cock was straining against his pants and he shifted in his seat.

Nick tucked his limp cock back into his jeans and gave Gil as sexy smile. "Well, I sure feel better."

When he saw Gil's expression, he burst out laughing and laughed until Gil pulled into his parking space at the lab.

"Go on in. I'll be there in a minute." Gil said through clinched teeth.

Nick looked quickly around the parking lot and then let his hand graze across the crotch of Gil's pants. Gil gasped and cursed, "Nick, you're going to fucking pay for this. When we get home, I'm going to fuck you until you scream. I might just beat that beautiful ass of yours."

Nick just smiled and got out of the vehicle. Before he shut the door, he called back in, "You really shouldn't let yourself get so worked up, boss." He slammed the door on Gil's next tirade of threats and promises.

Gil sat for some time, long after his erection had subsided. He had Nick back. This time he would get it right. Saying 'I love you' really hadn't been that hard.