Title: Curbside Hero
By: silverpheonixscion
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Disclaimer: The characters, names, and references made herein belong to CBS inc, Jerry Bruckheimer, etc. No copyright infringement intended. For fun, not profit.
Rating: NC-17
Nick sighed as deeply as his seatbelt would allow. What a night! First that DB at the Tangers had been an open and shut. Then the rigging of that fight at the MGM Grand ending in an official’s murder had been given to Warrick and Catherine and Sara while Nick got to go on a road trip with Grissom all the way to the other side of Lake Tahoe. The radio played low against the dull roar of the road, thick tires and black pavement the only thing to look at in the darkness flooding his window.
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight?
Not that he minded so much. It gave him time alone with Grissom, which he hadn’t gotten in a long time since Grissom had been made the night shift supervisor. He’d gotten so wrapped up in his paperwork and being in charge that he’d all but ignored Nick for almost a year. Nick didn’t like that much. Not at all, to be honest.
Then Amy Henderson had come along and put a gun to his head. The Great Grissom had been shocked out of the way, and the man that Nick wished he could see more often, Gil, the actual human and not just the scientist, came hurling to the surface, bringing with him every emotion Nick had ever seen in this enigma of a man.
Would you laugh, oh please tell me this
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms tonight
For three straight weeks Nick had been the center of Gil’s universe, from hourly check-ins on the job to phone calls both before and after shift to meals together. Every day felt like he really had died, and gone straight to heaven. A heaven filled with times he knew he would never forget. Times filled with the greatest man Nick had ever known, and the only man he’d ever loved. The only person he’d ever loved.
I can kiss away the pain.
I can stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
And then life had gone back to normal. The Great Grissom had found a way back to the surface, and one day, everything went back to the way it had been. The way Nick had hated. He’d gone back to being Warrick’s partner, though evidence lackey was more like it. And Sara’s chew toy; that role was always fun. The true bitch always loved grinding his nose in his own mistakes. Oh, and of course there was always Catherine, the lab mother hen, always over his shoulder, making sure Nicky was ok, and that he knew that nothing bad was going to happen to him while she was around.
And Grissom didn’t care that he went through hell as the only CSI Level 3 that wasn’t allowed to handle everyday DB on his own. Oh yeah, Nick led a charmed life.
Would you lie, would you run and hide
Am I in to deep, Have I lost my mind
I don’t care you’re here tonight
Then Nigel Crane had come along. He’d dropped out of the sky, quite literally, and thrown Nick’s whole world into chaos a second time. Only this time it was more than just a simple gun to his head. It was his whole life, under the microscope of a psychotic killer.
And Gil had come to his rescue, again. Gil, who cared about him so much, who took care of him. Gil who was ready to pull Brass’s gun in order to take down the man who had come so close to killing Nick. For a moment, Nick had entertained the idea that Gil actually cared for him as more than a mere co-worker, a simple subordinate. For a moment, while still in the hospital, Nick knew he’d woken up for just a moment to have his hand grasped so tight in Gil’s that only the pain told him it wasn’t another dream.
I can kiss away the pain.
I can stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
And then life had returned to normal…again. Grissom had come back with a vengeance, and Nick had once again become a CSI. A worker bee. A bug to be controlled by the resident entomologist. Great. Just great.
Nick looked over at Grissom, seated firmly behind the wheel. Probably forgot Nick was even there. His mind was probably already at the crime scene, dissecting what would be there and what he would do. What he would have Nick do. Nick signed as he sank an inch further into his seat. At least he fit into this situation somewhere.
Nick tamped down the growing sting as it rose in his stomach. Where was the man he longed to see so much? In the lab, Grissom was the perfect man to have around. And even Nick had to admit that having Grissom there was the only way most of these cases ended up solved. He touched every case that ran through that lab, and he added a little something that made everything fall together. It’s what everyone wanted.
But that wasn’t what Nick wanted! Nick just wanted Gil back. He just wanted to have his friend back. He wanted… he wanted to be loved. He wanted to fall asleep in someone’s arms, knowing they would protect him. He was always the only protecting others, from victims to falsely accused suspects, right down to his fellow CSI. But the only one who protected him was Gil. Not Grissom, Gil. His Gil.
Was he selfish if he wanted to get that man back just for a minute? Was it so wrong that he couldn’t sleep at night without hearing Gil’s voice? His head fell against the window, hard against the darkness, but he didn’t care. Why the hell couldn’t he just get over this? Why did he have to love this man so much?
I don’t care, you’re here tonight
“Nick, you ok?”
“Yeah,” his voice shook out, and he cursed this whole stupid thing. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.” He looked, but he knew he hadn’t heard wrong. “Are you crying?” It only took that one look to make his choice. Grissom slowed down and pulled off the deserted road, only a few miles from where they needed to be. But this was more important. Nick was more important than any crime scene. Period. Gil turned in his seat, his seatbelt clicking open.
“Nick, what is it?” Nick wiped his face, new tears breaking free as the old were swept away. What the hell? Why couldn’t he stop this? Sure, music did this to him sometimes. But then, every time his emotions got riled up he couldn’t control whether or not the faucet started running. He could never tell which way it was going to go, but it always seemed to turn on when he wanted it least. And it wasn’t helping that he was having a mental tantrum over just being in the same car as Gil Grissom. And that particular song wasn’t doing him any favors, either. He liked that song, but it had never done this to him before. And why the hell was he fantasizing about asking for someone to be his rescuer? Since when we he so weak? Not since…
“S-stupid song…” Gil reached out without thinking, his hand on Nick’s shoulder, squeezing gently.
“No!” Nick jerked hard against the window, just enough to release the grip and shock Gil back, and Grissom back into place. But it wasn’t Grissom Nick saw, and he wasn’t a CSI. He was a child again. A child caught in his own worst nightmare. He could still feel her breath, hear the horrid sounds she made. The pain. He could still feel the pain. Evil, evil bitch. Why him? Why did she have to do it to him? “Please don’t touch me.”
“Nicky?” She’d called him that, too. Little Nicky. Helpless, scared little Nicky.
“Please, just-” The scent was what did it. The scent of one who was not that horrid woman. Not her, but him. Smooth cologne, shaving cream and soap. And then the hand that had been pushed out to restrain was taken. Nick looked back to see his hand held in Grissom’s two strong ones, not hers. She wasn’t here. She was gone, and this was Grissom. He didn’t have to be afraid of him. Grissom wouldn’t hurt him. Never…
“Gris…?” ‘Let me be your hero…’ The song rang out clear in his mind, and his heart screamed. Yes, please be my hero. Make it all go away…
“I’m here, Nicky.” And that was all it took. Nick dove headlong into the warmth of Gil’s arms. He gripped the slick vinyl of the older man’s jacket for all he was worth. He was half-afraid it would rip, but right then he really didn’t care. Strong hands ran the length of his back, surrounding him, keeping him safe. Safe. He’d been so scared for so long, but this felt so safe, like nothing could ever hurt him again. Like Gil would protect him. Gil…
“Oh God, Gil.” Gil could honestly say he’d never heard any voice so filled with sorrow and yet so laced with joy. He pressed his cheek to the soft hair of Nick’s head to avoid what he really wanted. Nicky was hurting, and the last thing he needed was to push away needed comfort because his boss had some delusional fantasy about caring for him. He did care, but not just the way Nick needed just then. He wanted so much more, but just to hold him felt so good. And Nick needed something different, not just someone to take advantage of him under the pretense of a pity fuck. Not that Gil would, but no matter. He would be grateful for this. He would continue to worship this wondrous creature from afar, and would be content with this one chance to be Nick’s touchstone, his connection to something better. Just once…
“‘God’ I’m not, but whatever you need, I can be. Just ask.” Nick pulled away just enough to see the look on Gil’s face. So much pain, he wondered about it. He’d never seen the man so open before, as if Nick could reach out and touch his soul through his eyes. He wasn’t cold or harsh or clinical. He was warm, soft…vulnerable? Or just tired? Or both? What was this thing hurting so much in his chest?
“Please just hold me.” And he snuggled back down into the embrace he’d wanted for so long. He shivered as knowing fingers ran through his short hair, tingling and sparkling.
Gil had to fight to keep from shaking. Did this gorgeous young man understand what he was doing to Gil’s control? He never lost it like this, not to anyone. Yet Nick had seen everything he had to give and not bolted. In fact, he’d come back. From putting up with Gil’s overprotective phone calls and check-ins to his emotional constipation when it came to being at work. Nick had not only endured it all, he’d stayed in the aftermath, always there, being needed more than he would ever know. Gil tightened his grip just a bit as the sparks ran up and down his back.
“Gil?” Whisper or whimper, Gil wasn’t sure. And he wasn’t sure which he feared more.
“Yes, Nicky?”
“Thank you.” Gil settled back into his seat, perfectly content to stay the whole rest of the night with this man in his arms. But of course, they couldn’t. Nick pulled back first “Promise me you won’t play that song again?”
“Whatever you wish.” What did Nick want from this? Anything? Nothing? He seemed so lost, and it had taken so little to bring him close again... Gil sighed as he replaced his seatbelt and slipped the truck back into gear. Oh, bite the bullet, you big sissy.
“Feel like getting something to eat after shift?”
“Sounds great.” Was it just him, or did Nick’s eyes just lighten?
“I know this great little place that caters to second and third shifters. No one bats an eye when you order a steak and a beer at eight in the morning.” A meal. Something to look forward to. Something out of the lab, away from everyone.
“Sounds great. Can’t wait.” And for the first time in a long time, he couldn’t wait to get off shift, because something better was waiting just on the other side of shift change. He was so focused on that something that he failed to notice the absolutely stupid grin plastered across his boss’s face. Or the way he can’t seem to stop humming a certain song, just low enough that only he can hear.
Neither can I, Nicky. Neither can I.
Shift could not get over fast enough. As Nick logged the last of the evidence, his fingers were positively dancing through his kit, replacing his supplies. He could barely contain himself as they wrapped up the scene, knowing full well they still had at least an hour at the office ahead of them before they could leave.
As Grissom finally made his way over to the Tahoe, he found Nick waiting for him.
“Ready?” Nick was quite proud that he’d kept his voice from shaking, despite the pounding of his heart.
“Sure am.” He loaded his kit into the truck and they got underway for what had to be the longest car ride in the history of time. The road was long enough, but every so often, as the sun peaked out over the desert landscape, Nick snuck a glance at Grissom, wondering what the hell had happened last night. One minute he was sulking, the next he was reliving the worst night of his life, only to fall squarely into the arms of the man he’d been mooning over for the past several years. It still wasn’t making sense in his head, but that really didn’t matter right then. Gil was here, and it looked like he’d stay a while this time. At least Nick hoped so.
Once they reached the lab they separated to catalog evidence. And while Nick did his best to keep occupied, Gil went about his cataloging in record time just so he could march meaningfully into his office, shut the door, and for the first time ever, lock the bloody thing.
Gil dropped into his chair and set his head in his hands, the rush he knew would come ever since he’d reached out to one Nick Stokes overcoming him at long last. He took a shuddering breath, letting the emotional firestorm rage within him. What the hell was he doing? Did he enjoy doing this to himself? He knew Nick just needed a helping hand, not a freak entomologist who wanted nothing better than to jump his bones! What was he thinking, inviting him to breakfast after an episode like that? Nick would be vulnerable, and he might just be weak enough to do something stupid. Something he’d regret even while doing it. Something that Nick might agree to for the sake of emotional need but would never be able to live with. Something that could tear them apart.
Gil reached down and adjusted his now painful erection, ashamed at himself. Sure, he wanted Nick. He’d never made any excuses to himself about that, but he’d never acted on it. It always seemed like it could never be, like Nick was his very own impossible dream. //Eat your heart out, Don Quixote.// Nick was his subordinate, which definitely meant ‘off limits’. So why had tonight even happened? Sure, Nick was in need of…something. That ‘something’ was what bothered Gil. That ‘something’ could be ‘anything’, and once again, he wasn’t sure if he could be what Nick needed without giving in to his own desires.
Another breath, this one steadier. //No. I won’t. Not to anyone, but especially not to Nicky. I can’t…// He didn’t care what kind of state he was in personally, this wasn’t about him. This was about Nicky, and what he needed. Whatever he wanted this to be, it would be. Nothing more, no matter what Gil really wanted.
He decided maybe work was a good idea just then, so he plowed his way through an alarmingly small amount of papers on his desk. Just as he was working through the last of reports to review, his cell phone chirped.
“Grissom.”
“Was wondering if you still had plans for breakfast, or if you were planning to lock yourself in your office all day.” Gil looked up, a sheepish grin climbing over his face as he remembered what he’d really walked into his office to do.
“Sorry. Be out in just a minute.”
“I’ll be waiting. Tap, tap.” Gil wondered a moment at the cryptic quip, until a small sound came to his door. Tap, tap. //Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be able to tickle the living daylights out of that boy…// Gil smiled evilly as he gathered his jacket and made his way to the door. The lock unlatched, and there was Nick, a grin as wide as the Texas sky plastered across his face.
“Let’s go.”
~~~~~
It was a small, cozy place that seemed perfect for ‘regulars.’ They made their way to a corner booth, the deep grin across Nick’s face refusing to leave. The waitress came over with a large mug of coffee and…iced tea? What, had Gil called ahead?
Nick looked so much better. He seemed much more relaxed. Gil was glad that he’d chosen this place. It always calmed him after a rough night, and last night proved to be awfully rough, though not so bad after a certain song. He made a mental note to find that song and get a copy, just for moments when he needed a good thought. Gil was so lost in his thoughts that he barely noticed the approaching waitress, something that rarely happened. But what truly got his attention was the tall glass of deep amber liquid that slid in front of his… Colleague? Companion? Date? He looked up to see a perplexed look on Nick’s face, and a smug one on young Tina’s. //That’s the last time I get that drunk in front of a beautiful girl. Liable to say something else stupid…// “Thanks, Tina.”
“Sure thing, Mr. Grissom. You boys need a minute?” At Grissom’s nod, the young girl smiled at Nick almost knowingly, and the grin that had clung so valiantly to the younger man’s face waned just a touch, giving way to a blush that deepened as he once again found himself under deep blue scrutiny.
“So, what’ll you have this morning, Nick?”
“Not sure yet.” Nick opened his menu, suddenly not knowing how to feel. How had the waitress known what to bring for him? Gil was easily explained; he obviously came here often. Maybe this was where he escaped to every morning after shift. Escape. Was this the place he recouped after a hard night at work? Was this a private space, just for him? Nick suddenly felt privileged, grateful to be let in on such a special part of Gil’s life.
“You two ready to order?” The young girl had such a sweet voice. It pulled Nick right out of his thoughts and into a mild sunbeam. Mild for this early in the morning, anyway.
“I’ll have the Porterhouse, with Italian dressing on the salad.” He handed the young waitress the menu and found Gil watching him closely. He sat beneath that innocuous stare, becoming more self-conscious by the moment. He positively demurred when Gil finally looked back at his menu, Tina finally ready to take Gil’s order as well.
“I would have figured you for ranch.” Nick took a sip of his drink to keep from smirking too much. So he could still surprise this sly fox, huh? He’d have to see what other things might surprise him, he thought as sweet, tart coolness danced across his tongue. But before he returned his glass to the table, he was as smug as ever.
“Not all things are as they seem, Gris.” That earned Nick a guarded smile, one he wasn’t sure he liked.
“Indeed. Make it two, please, Tina.”
“Sure thing. Shouldn’t take too long. You’re the only ones here this morning.”
Nick took this opportunity to speak, and he did, at great length, about things he would realize later that Gil probably either wasn’t interested in or simply knew nothing about. He interjected the correct nods and comments to keep the conversation going, but it was nice to actually have someone to talk to for once. Warrick and Greg were fine enough, but this was Gil. Someone nobody talked to, and Nick wanted to exploit this chance in case he never got it again.
Their dinner/breakfast arrived, steaming hot and smelling like the first real food Nick had had in ages. He could barely restrain himself from diving in. They ate in companionable silence before Gil spoke up over a newly polished off salad.
“You want to talk about it?” Nick nearly choked on a bite of potato.
“About what?”
“I like to think I know you better than that, Nicky. You don’t just freak out like that without very good reason.”
“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.”
“And maybe this is something you don’t want to talk about with me. Ok, I can go with that.” No! That’s not what he meant! And Gil was closing off again, Nick thought miserably. He could almost see it as Gil drew back slowly on his drink, the walls he always had around himself slowly climbing back into place. No. Nick refused to be shut out again. Even if it meant…
“It’s not you.” Nick closed his suddenly stinging eyes, steeling himself to what he thought he had to do. And if this is what it took to get Gil back and keep him, then so be it. “This is just hard.” Gil reached out to him, and he watched as if outside himself as those strong fingers wrapped around his own. Warm…
“That’s why I asked what you wanted. You don’t have to tell me, but it seems to be eating at you.”
“It is.” He met Gil’s eyes once more, this time finding a softness he thought he’d never see again. One he hadn’t seen since the day he’d gotten home from the hospital after Nigel… no. He couldn’t think about that right now.
“Would talking help?” At Nick’s expected headshake, Gil continued. “Hasn’t so far?”
“Not really, no.”
“Whom have you talked to?” More like who had tried to coddle him, Nick thought bitterly. These people meant well, and he knew that. But he was so sick of being treated like a child! A simple pat on the head and a ‘It’ll be ok’ was not good enough.
“Catherine… this stupid shrink who…” Shrinks. Gil usually didn’t have doubts about human psychology, but some of the ‘professionals’ in the field seemed more interested in showing everyone how smart they were than about helping others.
“Nicky, I don’t care what some shrink said. But if Catherine couldn’t help you, than talking to me might just do the trick.” With the look Nick gave him, Gil actually wondered if he’d sprouted another head.
“I’m your friend, Nicky. I know you better than some shrink. But also, I’m not a mother, so I don’t have this abnormally ‘Mom’ need to coddle and shelter you, either.” Nick managed a soft smile as Gil’s fingers moved over his own.
“You noticed, huh?”
“If it makes you feel better, she does it to everyone.” Nick laughed as he reached for his glass, fully believing that about Catherine. “But seriously, something happened back there. I want to help you if I can.”
“Thanks, Gris.” Nick raised his glass to his lips…
“Gil.”...and promptly tried not to spill it as he sputtered. He met Gil’s eyes a moment, not quite believing what he’d just heard.
“What?”
“When we’re not working, call me Gil, Nicky.” And it was at this point in his history that Nick would always remember what fear tasted like. Fear that he would never again be able to see this man before him as anything other than ‘Gil’, even when ‘Grissom’ took control again. Nick was certain he could not deal with being hurt like that again.
The waitress came with a coffee refill, knocking gently into Gil’s cup and startling Nick out of his thoughts. And back into the hypnotic focus of intense blue. The waitress cleared their dishes and left with a smile Nick really didn’t care for much. “Can we not do this here?”
“Sure. Where would you like to do this?”
“How about my place?” It sounded strained, like he felt obligated. Only one way to fix that.
“My place is closer, if you’d feel more comfortable outside your own personal space.” And he did. After Crane had pretty much decimated all sense of security in his own home, Nick had been reluctant to let anyone even near his new house. Did Gil just know that? Or was this some kind of need for reassurance on his own part? Whichever, it sounded like a great idea.
“Sounds like a plan.”
“In that case, let’s pack this up and roll.”
~~~~~
The house didn’t seem much different from the last time Nick had been to Gil’s townhouse. For six amazing days, Nick had stayed in the spare room housed here, waiting for his own condo to no longer be a crime scene. He’d found another place to be on Gil’s computer, but all the while he’d felt Gil’s hovering presence, even from rooms away. He didn’t have that now, and he missed it. Like so many other things.
Nick stood back as Gil turned off the security system and unlocked the numerous locks on the front door. The foyer light flicked on automatically, bathing the entryway and part of the living room in soft light. Gil took Nick’s jacket as he usually did, and Nick made his way over to the couch, suddenly thinking that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. His eyes closed against the memories, trying futilely to shut them out until he felt the couch shift with a new weight. His hand became enveloped in Gil’s callused fingers, and he couldn’t keep himself from holding on.
“Talk to me, Nicky. Whatever it is, you can trust me.” He was shaking and he knew it, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Try the beginning. Walk me through it, and I promise to show you a way back out.” Nick sighed as the memory washed over him like a black tide. Just the way it always did. //Well, here’s hoping.//
“She was a last minute babysitter. I was nine, and my parents had this foundation thing to go to. Our normal sitter canceled; she was sick. So she recommended her boyfriend’s sister to replace her. My grandma was out of town, so they said sure. She was fine, and let me watch TV and runaround until I was so tired I couldn’t see straight, then she sent me to bed. It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes later when she came back.” For the second time in one day Gil reached out to him, but this time Nick openly welcomed the touch. He needed it, needed Gil.
“She-” His voice broke, as did every shred of control he had left. His whole body shook as the tears slipped free to run down his cheeks.
“I tried to stop it. I knew it was wrong, but she just wouldn’t stop. It hurt so much I couldn’t scream. I knew no one would hear me, anyway. Never felt so alone.” His chest heaved, a single sob shattering Gil’s restraint. He pulled Nick up only slightly, and the younger man dove headlong into the waiting arms held out for him. He sobbed violently, the sobs rocking his body like so many tiny earthquakes. Gil pulled Nick almost into his lap as he wrapped his arms tight around as much of Nick as he could. He rocked slowly, helpless as he felt the younger man shake from the sheer force of pain pouring from his very core. He said nothing, not trusting his voice nor that the endearments he so wished to bestow would not slip out on their own. //I’ve got you, Nicky// he whispered in his mind again and again, focusing on funneling his own warmth and love into the sobbing man in his arms.
“What happened after that, Nicky?” Gil whispered, never losing contact with the soft feel of Nick’s quivering skin.
“When my momma got home, I wanted to tell her, but I was ashamed. I felt wrong…dirty… like she wouldn’t love me anymore if she knew what I’d done.” Nick burrowed deeply into Gil’s chest, and Gil only held him that much tighter, cocooning him and making him feel secure for the first time in so very long.
“I became a cop to make sure nothing like that ever happened to anyone else, but it didn’t help. I couldn’t stop it. All I could do was put the one’s responsible in jail. But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.” His voice slowly attained an edge Gil wasn’t sure he liked much. He stroked slow hands up and down Nick’s back, proving that he wasn’t going anywhere.
“I became a CSI to escape that, to avoid it somehow, but it just brought me that much closer to the victims, the ones just like me. And whenever I see a kid get hurt…” The sobs returned, muffled and yet ringing through Gil’s chest as he felt so many that he did not hear. The horrid gasping breaths calmed once more, and Nick moved as if to speak again.
“Don’t, Nicky. You don’t have to say anymore.” His voice was barely a whisper, and for a moment he feared Nick might hear it breaking. He gripped Nick tighter, needing to feel that he was real, that he was safe. And Gil was going to keep it that way, come what may.
Nick pulled back a moment, looking into Gil’s eyes for what felt like the first time. Gil tried so hard not to let the tears stinging the back of his throat come forth, even as Nick’s own eyes shone bright with a questioning he didn’t even begin to have an answer for.
“Why me? Why did she pick me?!” His voice pitched so high, he almost sounded like a child. A very scared child. //No wonder Catherine handled this the way she did. Any mother would have.//
“No, Nicky. You can’t hold yourself responsible for this.” He sought his friend’s face, still streaming with tears he longed to kiss away. Nick looked for something –anything!- within that face that he hadn’t seen before. Something that would tell him he could say it. Something that he could only show to Gil, no one else. What he got was more of the same, and it wrenched at his very soul. “What she did to you was wrong and awful, but you didn’t do anything wrong, and you didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
“That’s what everyone says.” He couldn’t stand it anymore. He bolted from the couch and started pacing the rather sparsely furnished living room. He was suddenly grateful for space to move. His place was a little cramped, and never allowed for much emotional outlet. But this wasn’t his place. It was Gil’s, this place he’d let go once before, to let things fly and fall as they may. As he had fallen, and as he was falling again.
Gil watched Nick pace his living room like a caged animal, ready to strike out at any moment. He had to diffuse this, but how to do it without belittling Nick and without patronizing him or the situation?
“I know, and they’re right, but there’s one thing I’ll bet they never told you. She would have done that to anyone. Nicky, this wasn’t about you to her.” Nick stopped short and turned to him, and Gil thought he saw recognition in those now black eyes. He continued faster, encouraged. “This was only about her and what she wanted, and about the fact that she didn’t care how she got it. You never did anything to deserve this. You were just caught up in this horrible woman’s wake.” Gil stood and reached out to Nick, meaning to pull him back to the couch. His hand was batted rather strongly away, and Gil almost feared the power Nick obviously didn’t know he wielded.
“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. You didn’t have some lunatic try to take over your life.” Gil tried not to let too much confusion show on his face.
“What does this have to do with Crane?”
“These freaks make a habit of taking a chunk out of my life! Do I walk around with a huge sign over me that says ‘Easy Victim’? I mean, what do these people want with me?!” Oh, God. Not good. One at a time. Gil had to tackle this one at a time. And from a distance, it would seem.
“Crane wanted you because you were everything he wanted to be but couldn’t. Kind, understanding, compassionate-”
“‘Easy’, you mean. I swear I must scream ‘mark’.” Nick laughed without humor, slumping against a wall as he ran a harsh hand through his hair. Gil approached slowly, feeling the now calmer edge to Nick’s voice move into resigned dejection.
“No, Nicky. I didn’t say that, and I didn’t mean it.”
“I just feel tainted somehow. Like I’m attracting these people.” Gil reached out again, and Nick didn’t flinch as he gently took his shoulder. Nick turned in the gentle grasp, willing to be leaned back against the wall, his head hung low. “It’s like they can see what happened to me, and they think they can just use me all over again.” //And I don’t want that from you, too,// Nick thought miserably.
“You’re not tainted in any way, Nicky. You’re still the same man you would have been, except for one difference.” //Oh, here it comes,// he thought as he braced himself for the usual schpeal. How it was ok that he wigged out over these bad cases and had such trouble dealing with his emotions, and how-
“You are so much stronger than people give you credit for.” Nick looked up slowly, Gil’s fingers dancing gently through his hair and down to cup his jaw. “You’ve endured these trials in your life, and you’ve continued to pursue careers in helping others. You still looked beyond what happened to you to those who needed help, and you reached out to them. Do you have any idea how rare that is?” Gil’s touch swept fire through his skin, and the cold hard place that kept this secret screamed for more of that special warmth. Gil stepped closer, and Nick couldn’t help reaching out and taking hold of that warmth, bringing it that much closer, making that horrid place inside him melt just a little more.
“I’m so sorry you had to endure this alone for so long, but know this: you aren’t alone anymore, and if I can help it, I’m going to see to it that you don’t have to fight alone ever again.” His fingers swept through dampened hair as Nick stared at him, beautiful eyes so lost in turmoil. Gil knew at that moment that he would never let anything separate him from Nicky again. And he would make Ecklie suffer for ever thinking he could take away this most precious gift.
Nick looked on in wonderment as azure fire blazed in those eyes he loved so much, afraid to hope but still daring to. What was Gil saying? Nick’s heart started racing as his every fantasy got up and danced around inside his head. He didn’t even realize he was shaking until he tried to make his hands work. They were attached so tightly to Gil’s arms that it had to be painful for the older man, but they wouldn’t move. And Gil wasn’t moving. He wasn’t trying to make up excuses, or trying to help him through this ‘horrible tragedy’, as Catherine had put it.
And then his thoughts were scattered, his fantasies put to absolute shame as Nick’s forehead was set ablaze by Gil’s soft lips. He was vaguely aware of being pulled back into that warm embrace, breathing in the perfect scent of home. Security. He wrapped his arms so tight around Gil he half feared he might choke the life out of him.
“Never again, Nicky.” The strain of that beautiful voice made Nick’s problems seem so insignificant. Gil was hurting as much as he, and he was the cause. What was he doing, he thought with a sudden despair. How could he fret over this and put Gil in so much pain?
“I’m sorry-”
“No.” And it was just sharp enough to bring Nick up out of his funk a notch or two. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You don’t get to apologize for this anymore.”
Nick slumped down a fraction further, feeling Gil’s strength holding him. Without a word he fell into Gil’s knowing grasp, following his lead as they began to walk.
Gil guided him down the hall, ready if Nick faltered. It brought back a memory of a very hard case, one where almost an entire family had been killed save the two daughters. Nick had struck a door because of it, bruising his hand badly, and Gil had wanted to reach out right then. He’d wanted to hold his hurting Nicky so much, but he knew he couldn’t. Too many variables, too many eyes, and way too many questions he hadn’t been ready to answer yet. But as time passed, more and more things had swooped down from the darkness and tried to snatch his boy away. And each time he had stayed back, letting Nick be strong and take care of things himself. The most he’d extended of himself was an open ear, a word or two of advice, and a brief stay here until Nick could handle things himself again. But as he passed the guest room, he knew it would never be so again. He would never again be a simple observer, nor would he allow anyone else to take care of his Nicky.
They reached the master bedroom, and the shutting of the door held a finality neither of them could ignore. After this point, everything would change between them. Were they ready? Could they handle it? These questions danced in each other’s eyes as they met, Gil’s hands gingerly holding Nick’s waist. Yet as they watched, each question faded in on itself, as if the answers were simply falling into place. And as the last doubts left each pair of eyes, their foreheads touched, as if to acknowledge their joined decision.
Nick tried his best to help as Gil undressed him, but he ended up letting the older man do most of the work. He lifted his arms and each foot as was needed, then let Gil lead him to the bed. He sat down and watched in fascination as the older man striped away his work clothes. He was so amazed as each frumpy piece of clothing revealed a remarkably well-built body beneath. Toned arms and legs, a rather strong chest. Even with the slight rounding at the waist, Gil was more beautiful than Nick could ever have imagined. He got down to just his underwear, //Boxer briefs? Whoda thunk?//, and walked back into the circle of light cast onto the floor by the bedside lamp.
Nick closed his eyes as Gil approached, enjoying the sound of footsteps approaching, instead of walking away as they did so often in Nick’s nightmares. Gil’s fingers danced along his jaw, and Nick allowed the full weight of his head to be supported in their knowing grasp. He was tilted up, and he wasn’t sure whether or not to open his eyes, so he didn’t, reveling in the soft warmth of light and contact. Gil smiled at such open trust, and he swore as he moved closer that he would never betray such faith, no matter the cost.
Again the younger man’s senses were swept awash as soft lips touched his forehead. Before the simple touch of lips to forehead had been brief, halting, and wrapped in an almost desperate passion. Now the lips were relaxed, almost languid as they swept a slow path down the bridge of his nose to his own waiting mouth. Their first touch was tentative, but only for a moment. A moment that was swept aside as Nick leaned back and took Gil with him, sending them both into the throngs of warm skin and tangled limbs. Their kiss deepened on the way down, their tongues now moving in the slowest dance known to man or beast. A dance of exploration. A dance without music, but with a rhythm known only to the heart.
This kiss was a sweet as anything, but as he lay upon the soft bed, Gil’s amazing weight upon him, exhaustion began to set in, his body becoming difficult to focus. Gil smiled in his mouth, his own lazy motions ending their kiss and righting them both in the bed before Nick really knew what was happening. Gil gathered them both under the light coverlet, and Nick instinctively snuggled into Gil, his arms around the older man’s chest and waist as he burrowed once again into this man’s wondrous embrace.
Gil stroked gently down his back, almost as he might a wakeful child, but Nick didn’t mind. He felt Gil’s true response pressing softly against his stomach, as his own pressed Gil’s thigh. He felt so awful that this was their first time sharing a bed. Here he was an emotional mess, sharing a bed with a man he’d wanted to be with since the second day he’d seen him. He held Gil just a little tighter, trying somehow to make up for…something.
“I want to, Gil, believe me I do. I’m just so tired…” He gasped aloud as soft lips touched his hair and trailed warmth across his scalp. Gil’s breath flowed through his hair, his ears turning pink at the soft sensation.
“Don’t worry about a thing, Nicky.” Gil’s grip loosened just enough that he could reach out and turn off the bedside lamp. He returned to his spot and cradled Nick’s limp body in his arms. “Rest now, and know that I’m here, and that I’m not going anywhere.” Another kiss, this one just enough to seal a promise of much more to come. //No one will ever hurt you again, Nicky.// “I swear it to you.”
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