Title: Dirty Little Secret
Author: Dee
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 15577
Pairing: Gil/Nick and GSR (Sorry!)
Characters: Gil Grissom and Nick Stokes
Warnings: AU and angst!
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: In my dreams they are like, totally mine!
Unbeta-ed: All mistakes will be mine.

“I’m sorry, but that’s it.  I don’t want to be, hell, I've never wanted to be your dirty little secret.  You’ve made your choice and I’m fine with it.  So, okay?”

 

“No.  It’s not okay.”

 

“Well, you know the terms…my conditions, and you’re not going to do it, are you?  So that’s it.”

 

“Nick, I don’t understand, you’re, we’re, still not willing to tell anyone what’s been going on, either way, so it will still be a secret.  So why are you getting on your high horse about this, now, after all these months?”

 

“You’re right, I think it’s better to be in the closet than out when you work for a PD, but I will not fucking share your bed with her anymore, with anyone for that matter.  That’s it, I‘m done arguing, you’ve chosen her and that’s cool, but I said you can’t have both of us and I meant it.  See you around, Gil.  Take care.”

 

Nick left the booth in the diner where they’d had their whispered argument.  It was true he wasn’t about to announce his sexuality; he didn’t want to, but he would be damned if he was going to share Gil with Sara for any longer when the man himself couldn’t decide who he wanted more.  He’d told Nick that he wasn’t happy with Sara, but she had so many problems he felt that if he left her she’d fall apart.

 

So for five months Nick had put up with being the other guy.  How ridiculous was that?   It wasn’t as though he didn’t have offers; he had offers, but he was very wary about taking them up; he was staying in the closet because he wasn’t about to lose his job.  He’d stick. 

 

Nor was he prepared to share for any longer; he felt dirty and even disloyal to Sara.  He no longer wanted to be part of the equation and Gil had made it clear who he would choose.  And it wasn’t Nick.

 

So what?  It meant losing Gil...but he'd regain his own self respect.

 

It had been an accidental discovery about Gil's sexuality; they’d been to a bar after work and eventually only Nick and Gil had remained.  Gil had drunk far too much, to Nick’s great surprise since he’d never seen Gil drink more than one or two beers before.  He was certainly unable to drive himself home.  So Nick had offered - he’d only had one beer and after that, sodas.

 

He’d taken Gil home and as he was driving along in the dark cab of his truck Gil had told him a secret...and as it turned out, it wasn’t his only secret.

 

“I’m involved with Sara; she’s expecting me at her condo, but I just can’t go, I need some time to myself, do you understand?”

 

“Yeah.  No.”

 

“No. Why should you?  You involved with anyone, Nick?”

 

“Nah, man.”

 

“A young and handsome man like you – I’m surprised.”

 

“Not so young; I guess most people, including you, think I’m a youngster, but I turn thirty-seven in August.  I suppose I should be grateful for my boyish looks, it’s a Stokes trait.”

 

“You should be; you are beautiful…”

 

“…what…you are drunk, man.”

 

“Not that drunk…drunk enough to loosen my tongue.” Gil acknowledged with a wry smile.

 

“So how long have you and Sara been…together?”

 

“A year…nearly two years.”

 

“Wow, and no one knows?”

 

“You do.”

 

“Cath, Jim?”

 

“No; well, they’ve never said.”

 

“That’s what I call a well kept secret.”

 

“Yeah, but…”

 

“But what?”

 

“After so long the excitement wears off and...”  Gil didn’t finish his sentence.

 

“So…well…dump her then.”

 

“As if it was that simple.  There’s a lot of…problems, Nicky.  Big problems.”

 

“Nothing’s insurmountable.”

 

“Sounds easy.  But it ain’t, cowboy.”

 

“You are drunk, man.”

 

“I s’pose.”  Nick could see out of the corner of his eye that Grissom was starting to close his eyes to go to sleep, he hoped it was only sleep; he didn’t want to have to move a comatose drunk from his truck to Grissom’s house.

 

“Hey, man, come on, don’t go to sleep.  Keep your eyes open.”

 

“I’m so tired, Nicky, so tired.”

 

“Yeah, well we’re nearly at your place now, so I don’t want you sleeping, I gotta get you into your house.”

 

“Okay, okay.”  But Grissom was already asleep.

 

Nick parked up as close to Grissom’s front door as he could.  He felt Grissom’s pockets for his keys and then went to open the door before he attempted the complicated manoeuvre – drunken boss from truck to house. 

 

Nick hoped there was no alarm system in Grissom’s place, but he’d know soon enough.  There didn’t appear to be so he left the door open and returned to the truck's passenger door and attempted to rouse Grissom.  It wasn’t easy, but he eventually managed to get Grissom from the truck.  He wasn’t totally helpless so he was able to help himself a little and Nick took the rest of the strain.

 

Nick managed to kick his truck door shut and set his alarm.  He’d more or less decided that he’d have to help Grissom to his bed and make sure he was safe.  Easier said then done; Grissom wasn’t a lightweight.  About the same height but a much heftier build and Nick had imagined he was a mass of soft, fatty tissue, but that was not the case; as he half heaved Grissom's body into his house he was well aware that he was solid and muscled.

 

Grissom was mumbling, but Nick couldn’t make out what he was saying.  He got him indoors and looked at the stairs; rather than wait he thought he’d get it over and done with, so with a couple of deep breaths, he began his arduous task.

 

In fact, Grissom seemed to recover somewhat and was able to give Nick a little more help, and a few minutes of ‘step here’, and ‘now step here’, they made it to Grissom’s bedroom.

 

“Need a piss, Nicky.”  Grissom chuckled.  Yes, it was a chuckle and Nick himself laughed.

 

“Well I ain’t doing that for you and that’s for sure.  Come on, is this your bathroom?”

 

“ ‘T is.”  There was the chuckle again…and it made Nick laugh again.

 

“At least you’re a happy drunk, Gris.  That Warrick, man, he’s morose, y’know?”

 

“Happy, you think I’m happy?”

 

“Don’t know about that, man, but you’re a happy drunk.”

 

“I think I like being drunk if I’m happy.”

 

“Here; get your pecker out and do the biz.”

 

“Pecker?  How old are you, Nicky?”  Grissom was laughing now and sagged against the bathroom wall.

 

“You’ll piss yourself if you keep this up now come on.”  Nick was trying to be stern, but he himself was now laughing at, and with Grissom; after all the years he’d known him, this was a revelation.

 

“’K…can do it.”  Propped up against the wall but not sufficiently close enough to the toilet, Grissom unzipped and extracted his penis.  He nearly collapsed with laughing.  “Can’t reach from here.”

 

Nick was laughing too.  Grissom was leaning on the wall, penis in both hands, knees buckled as he laughed.  Nick got behind him and heaved him up and pushed him with his own body weight closer to the toilet.

 

“Go now.”

 

“’K…trying.”  He did appear to Nick to be concentrating, and after a couple of false starts he began to urinate and, held up from behind by Nick, he actually managed to direct his aim appropriately.

 

It was a long one, he must have been desperate and when he’d finished his concentration left him once more and he was waving his penis around.

 

“Gotta get the drops off, Nicky.  Don’t want a wet patch now do I?”

 

“Sure don’t; enough though now, I think it’s as dry as a bone.  Let’s wash your hands.”

 

“Yes, must wash after pissing.”

 

Yet again Nick manhandled him; to the sink this time and washed Grissom’s hands with his own, which seemed easier than getting him to do his own, on his own.  Right; now to get him to bed.

 

“Last hurdle; into bed.”

 

“Gotta clean my teeth.”

 

“Really?  I don’t think you’ll get a cavity if you miss one night.”

 

“You are so right there, Nicky.”  That was a relief; supervising a teeth cleaning exercise was not on Nick’s list of priorities.

 

Nick helped Grissom to his bed and sat him down.  He’d do the basics now; get him a drink of water, see if he could find some Tylenol and then leave him to it.

 

“Gris, lets see if I can get some of these clothes off and then I’ll go.”

 

“Don’t go, Nicky, stay with me.”

 

“I can’t stay here, I have to go home to bed.”

 

“You can stay here with me, you can share my bed.”

 

“Not a good idea.”  Nick took off Grissom’s jacket and slung it over a nearby chair.  He looked to see what he should do next.  Shoes and socks, maybe undo his belt and leave the rest.

 

He knelt down in front of Grissom and nearly jumped out of his skin when Grissom stroked his hair.

 

“Soft hair Nicky, you’ve got soft hair, I’m pleased you’ve grown it again, I didn’t like the buzz cut.”  He continued to stroke it and Nick gulped down air; the guy was drunk for fuck’s sake.

 

“Cut it out Gris; come on, shoes and socks.”

 

“You’re sooo beautiful, Nicky.  You’re very special, you know.”

 

Nick looked up at Grissom, who was smiling a happy, relaxed smile at him.  Without a moments hesitation Grissom grasped Nick’s chin and as he pulled the chin towards him he lowered his head and their lips met.  Grissom’s lips were soft and warm and slightly wet, his breath a sweet smell of beer, before it’d had the time to go sour.

 

Nick responded momentarily.  For just a few moments he enjoyed the sensation and then he regained his ability to think and pulled away from Grissom.  Grissom.  Drunk.  Sara.

 

“Stop it Gris, come on; let’s get you into bed.”  Nick just threw the shoes and socks away from him and Grissom.  He stood up and easily moved a smiling Grissom sideways, lifted his legs onto the bed and gently pushed him down.  He sank down and Nick undid his belt and pulled hard to release it from his pants, and then pulled up a throw and covered him.

 

“Lie on your side, Gris, come on.  Turn over.  Come on.”  He wanted Grissom on his side, he didn’t want him vomiting and choking.  To his surprise Grissom turned as instructed and tucked a hand under his head.

 

“That was very sweet Nicky, very sweet.  You see I’ve got more than one secret.”  And then he was then snoring, very softly.

 

Nick got a glass of water and found Tylenol in the bathroom cabinet.  He put them on Grissom’s bedside cabinet.

 

And then he left.

 

 

All the way home, as he showered, as he watched TV, as he tried to concentrate on an article he was putting together…all the time he felt Grissom’s hand in his hair and Grissom’s lips on his lips.

 

The wet and soft lips, the sweet smell of his breath.  Of all the men he’d ever met; of all the men he’d worked with, of all the men he’d ever lusted over, Gil Grissom had not been one of them.  He’d hero worshipped him, that was for sure, but that was because he was the definitive forensic geek.  Nick wanted to be the heir to the throne, at least when he was younger, before Grissom had started to treat him like the resident moron.

 

For years, Grissom had treated him like the village idiot.  Never quite up to the standard of the others, especially Miss Goody Two Shoes.  And then out of the blue, when Nick had least expected it, Grissom had recommended him for the job of Lead CSI.  He didn’t get I, (so, what’s new) but only because there was no money left in the budget.  Sara had been well pissed; not at Nick for not getting the job but at Grissom for not recommending her.

 

Now, had Sara been with Grissom then…so he couldn’t have recommended her and then have people find out they were a twosome.  Now that would be against the rules, no two ways.  One, maybe nearly two years, was how long Grissom had said they were together and it was nearly three years since he didn’t get the job so it was unlikely there was any correlation between the two.

 

But Grissom was with Sara, now, and of all the women he knew, she was the unlikeliest woman he’d imagine with whom Grissom would be involved.  He didn’t know why he felt that they were incompatible, he just did.

 

Now he knew; the shift knew, God, LVPD and half of Vegas knew that Sara liked Grissom; but Grissom had never given away one tell that he reciprocated her feelings and now here he was, with Sara, a member of his team; now that was the reason it was all hush-hush.  He wasn’t supposed to be with a team member.

 

But, what were the secrets that Grissom was referring to?  Well, that he and Sara were an item and…what, that he was bi-sexual?  It seemed to Nick that anything was possible in this brave new world to which he’d become accidentally privy.

 

Nick never even suspected that Grissom and Sara were together and neither had anyone else, apparently.  So, did Grissom like men as well?  Did he say that Nick was beautiful and special because he wanted a piece of that action too?   Who knew?   Nick didn’t.

 

Nick was gay but very firmly behind closed doors.  He didn’t see why anyone should know.  He’d moved to Vegas to avoid the claustrophobic Texan life, but all of his gay activities, as far as he was concerned, were conducted discreetly behind closed doors with other men who chose not to go public.

 

It suited him and it suited them.

 

But did Grissom know?

 

The other major concern for Nick, as he settled down in bed trying to get some sleep, and failing, was - would Grissom remember telling him about Sara and would he remember the kiss?  He was very drunk and he’d fallen asleep almost as soon as he’d kissed Nick, so all Nick could hope for was that he would not remember and that would be the end of that.  There was no way he would put himself between Sara and whomever she wanted; he wasn’t that stupid…or brave.  He chuckled into his blankets.

 

Eventually, Nick fell asleep and slept fitfully and dreamed dreams that disturbed him but were gone the moment he awoke. 

 

As he drove to work that night, he was filled with foreboding; he remembered something his father used to say to all of them.  ‘Hope for the best; expect the worst.’  The best: Grissom wouldn’t remember and the worst, he would…simple really.  Nick had no terms of reference.  He’d never seen Gil Grissom drunk before, or ever heard tales of him being drunk.  No exploits with which to draw comparisons and hence no terms of reference.

 

In the briefing room Nick was the last, but one, to take a seat.  Sara looked like she’d chewed a wasp.  The others were just idling, waiting for Grissom to arrive with their assignments.

 

And here he came; brisk and business like.  No sign of a headache, no sign of impending doom and totally avoiding eye contact with Sara.  He sent Sara out with Greg to investigate a suspicious death.  He sent Warrick and Catherine to separate scenes and for his ‘piece de la resistance’, he told the assembled team that he and Nick would be taking a double murder up in Henderson; a suspect already in custody.

 

And Nick knew. Grissom remembered. 

 

Sara looked murderous and Nick did feel a momentary stab of pity for Greg, who’d better tread carefully if he wanted his balls to remain hanging.  But the pity for Greg didn’t last long - he transferred it all to himself.

 

He couldn’t maintain eye contact with Grissom and Grissom looked relaxed and certainly not unhappy.  If he’d had his balls chewed, he showed no sign.  In no time at all Nick was in his truck waiting for Grissom to join him; he was nervous, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel to an imaginary tune and taking deep breaths ever third or fourth breath and then sighing.

 

The back passenger door being opened made him jump and Grissom deposited his kit behind the seat, slammed the door and then opened the front passenger door and hauled himself into the seat and buckled up.

 

“Ready?”

 

“Yeah.”  Nick put the truck into drive and they started their journey; in silence for about ten minutes.

 

“Thank you for taking care of me this morning.”

 

“No problem.”

 

“I’m sure I was.”

 

“No; really.”

 

They stopped at a red light.

 

“Not even when I made a pass at you?”

 

“You remember.”

 

“It would be difficult to forget something so….enjoyable.”

 

“Enjoyable?”  Nick was sure he squeaked.

 

And Grissom grinned; the most evil grin he’d ever seen, on anyone.  Ever.

 

“I may well have been drunk, Nick, but I have a very clear memory of enjoying the kiss, and do you know what I think?”

 

“N...n...no.”  When had he developed a speech impediment?

 

”I think, Nick, that you found it enjoyable too.  I mean I could be wrong, of course, but I’m not...wrong, that is, am I?”  He was smirking his infamous, I know more about this than I’m letting on, smirk.

 

Nick opened and shut his mouth and might have spoken, but a car horn behind his truck sounded loud and insistently to nudge Nick into moving now the light had turned to green.

 

Nick had to concentrate on his driving and Grissom said nothing else, although he was humming a tune to himself.  Nick knew the tune but couldn’t quite place it.

 

The scene was a mess, the apparent drug addled victims had been hacked to death by their equally drug addled friend.  He was drying out and wouldn’t be compos mentis for another twenty-four hours according to Vartann.

 

The scene occupied them for over five hours and they were thorough and completely professional going about their work detailing every possible scrap of evidence there was, and there was a great deal...as Nick pointed out that despite the overwhelming evidence there really was no such thing as a slam dunk case when the lawyers got hold of it all.

 

When it was all collected and catalogued they boarded Nick’s truck for the journey back to the lab and something to eat and drink other than water and some old mints Nick had found in his vest.

 

They’d discussed the case and had lapsed into a comfortable silence, but Nick was still thinking about Grissom’s remarks.  And Sara and Greg...he wondered how Greg had coped with her, when it hit him.

 

“Good Vibrations.”

 

“I beg your pardon?”

 

“That’s what you were humming on the way to the scene.  My eldest sister was mad on the Beach Boys.”

 

“I guess what you’re really saying, Nick, is that they were before your time?”

 

“Yeah.  They were.”  Nick grinned.

 

“I was only a boy, teenager, when they had all their hits.  I’m fifteen years older than you.”

 

“Same age as Susan.”

 

“You have a number of sisters don’t you?”

 

“Five and one brother.”

 

“Do they know?”

 

“Know?”

 

“That you’re gay?”

 

The truck swerved, just a little, as Nick looked across at Grissom.  “They...they...two of them know.  Okay.”  It had taken only a moment for Nick to realise that he would have to tell the truth, he was useless at lying and Grissom was a master of detection.

 

“It’s okay, Nick, the information’s not going anywhere.  I’m actually surprised that any of your siblings do know.  You’re very good at deception and it never crossed my mind before that you could be; it’s amazing what a little alcohol will do to one’s inhibitions.  I don’t drink a great deal for that reason.  You’ve probably guessed that I...I would suppose I’m bi-sexual, but the label means very little.”

 

“I’d have never have guessed anything.  Sara.  Bi.  I’ve never looked around the lab for clues as to people’s sexual identities.  It’s none of my business and I’m not...I’m not going to, well, shit on my own doorstep, as my Dad was fond of saying.”

 

“No.”

 

“But you do.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Grissom’s previous bonhomie deserted him.  This was obviously something he wasn’t going to talk about.  So Nick concentrated on driving.  After about ten minutes Grissom spoke again.

 

“It’s complicated.  Too complicated.”

 

Nick didn’t respond.  If Grissom wanted to tell him he would, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t; a fairly simple philosophy he followed when he was not at work as an antidote to all the questions he had to ask in work and, of course, it stopped people asking him questions.

 

It was another ten minutes and they were only five minutes away from the lab when Grissom spoke again.

 

“I’ve always been inept at relationships, Nick.  I don’t seem to be able to control how I want it to be.  I can’t explain it...I don’t want to control anyone, that’s not it, it’s as if I lose control...of myself.  I lose sight of who I am in the relationship and get...sucked into things I don’t want to be sucked into.”

 

Nick didn’t respond, he had no idea what to say.  Grissom was a Forensic scientist at the top of his game, but he knew, hell, everyone knew, he was useless at  personnel matters.  And office politicking.  Grissom knew it and now it seemed he was exactly the same in his private life, which really didn’t surprise Nick.  At all.  But Grissom was still involved with Sara and it seemed obvious to Nick, at least, that he didn’t want to be involved with Sara.  

 

‘Not my problem’, is what Nick thought.

 

They arrived at the lab parking lot and Nick eased his truck through the vehicles to find a spot to park up.

 

“But I do know one thing, Nick.  I want you. You give me good vibrations.”

 

Nick slammed his brakes on and they both jerked forward with the momentum.

 

Nick opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t think of anything to say.

 

 

Nick stared at Grissom as the engine idled.  He suddenly realised that he should park the truck properly so manoeuvred it into a straight position and turned off the engine.

 

Grissom had waited to speak again.  “Inappropriate, I know, you don’t have to tell me that, I’m already well aware of my own failings, Nick.”

 

Finally, Nick found his voice.  “I give you good vibrations?  Man. that’s a really bad pick up line.”

 

Grissom put his head back and laughed heartily.  “You’re not wrong!“  He spoke when he’d calmed down.  “But there’s no denying that that’s exactly what you give me.  Will you meet up after a shift, have a beer?”

 

“A beer?  After yesterday?”

 

“Not wise, admittedly.  Maybe a coffee?”

 

“I’m not saying no...or yes, give me until the end of shift to think about it?”

 

“Okay.”

 

They unloaded their evidence and went about their business cataloguing and checking, and at the end of shift found themselves in the morgue with Doc Robbins and the bodies.   Blunt force trauma.  No hidden agenda with the cause of death, toxology results were still outstanding but the Doc said that both bodies were neglected; emaciated and showing signs of multiple organ degeneration due to drug use.

 

As they made there way back to lab, Nick spoke.

 

“I’ll meet you, at the New York, you can take me on a roller coaster ride.”

 

Grissom  grinned.  “I’d like that.”

 

Two hours later they were in line waiting for a ride, they wouldn’t have to wait too long.  As they secured themselves in their seats, Nick turned to Grissom.

 

“I hate roller coasters.  I just wanted to know what Warrick felt like when you brought him here.”

 

Grissom looked genuinely worried.  “We can get off, we’ve still got time, you don’t have to do this.”

 

“I do.  Hold my hand?”

 

Grissom nodded and took Nick’s hand.  As the ride started the colour drained from Nick’s face and his grip tightened on Grissom’s hand.  Grissom watched him for the entire ride, Nick made no sound and didn’t close his eyes.

 

When it was over, he turned to Grissom.  “I did it but it’s never going to happen again.” 

 

He grinned at Nick, but then frowned. “You okay?  You look...you look a bit green.”

 

“Just about, it’s a good job it ended when it did. I could do with a drink...not ready to eat yet.”  He released his harness and stood up and wobbled a little as he stepped out of the carriage.

 

Grissom caught his arm.  “Gotcha!”  He smiled as he held on for a few moments until Nick had found his land legs again.

 

“Like I said, never again.”

 

“Why this time?  What did you mean about Warrick?”

 

“Stupid really.  Remember years ago when you took Warrick on the roller coaster...it was right after the shift where you chewed my balls about my performance and wouldn’t let me deal with four-nineteens on my own. I was sick about it, man, for months.”

 

“It worked though didn’t it?  You improved dramatically in the months after that. ”

 

“I guess.  I was still pissed about it though.”

 

“Ginger ale.”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“A drink of ginger ale will settle your stomach.  Come on.”

 

They walked in companionable silence until they reached a bar.  Grissom ordered ginger ales for them both and at Nick’s raised eyebrows Grissom smirked and pursed his lips. 

 

They sat at the bar and their drinks were placed in front of them.

 

“How did you get on with Sara about being a no-show at her condo?”

 

“I’d don’t want to talk about Sara.  Why did you agree to come out with me?”

 

“I don’t know really.  Curious, I guess.”

 

“About?”

 

“You.  I mean I thought you were just a science geek, and that you lived the life of a recluse.   Now I know that you’ve dating a female subordinate and you want a male subordinate.  Kinda changes my view of you...a lot.”

 

“Why would you think I was a recluse?”

 

“No idea...just that you don’t often go out with the team, never talk about your private life and you race cockroaches.”

 

“That’s about it.”

 

“Except Sara.  Don’t you go out together?”

 

“Sometimes.  But we’re both homebodies and private...it was easier than you think.  We didn’t hide, Nick, we were in plain sight, but sometimes that’s the best place to hide.   Anyway, I said I don’t want to talk  about Sara.  Tell me, why did you leave Texas? Because you’re gay?”

 

“Yeah...and no.  It’s easier here than it was back home but I’m still in the closet.  But mainly I left because of Dad and Momma...you know Judge and DA.  Nobody said anything but about...nepotism, but it was there, you knew.”

 

“What kinds of guys do you like, Nick?”

 

Nick had raised his glass to his lips to drink but then spluttered.  “Why do you want to know that?”

 

“See if I have a chance.”  Nick couldn’t help noticing that as Grissom said that, his blue eyes sparkled; he’d never noticed them before.

 

“Seriously?  Man, I’ve learnt a lot about you in twenty-four hours.”

 

“Mostly, Nick, I find that people, like you, have a preconceived idea of what I’m like...who I am.  Because of the image I present at work everyone assumes they know me and that I behave in a certain way and that’s all there is to me.”

 

“Are you saying that the image you present is wrong, that you deliberately set out to mislead?”

 

“Not at all, I am the science nerd, the geek, I cannot deny it but there’s more to me than just work.”

 

“But then that has been hidden from us, me.”

 

“In plain sight.” He chuckled quietly.

 

“But you do this have this secret...”  At Grissom’s raised eyebrows Nick held his drink up.  “...I know, just hidden in plain sight.   But you said earlier when we were in my truck, that you are not very good at relationships.”

 

“I was feeling sorry for myself, uncharacteristic of me really, getting drunk and then telling you things that I should have kept to myself.  But it was a generalisation about myself, I suppose; I never seem to be able to get it right...I've never been with anyone longer than two years.”

 

“Ah.  And Sara and you are heading for two?”

 

“Perhaps I should also say that I haven’t had many relationships, period.  I fail.”

 

“Have you had any with men?  The coming up to two years thing, I mean, with a man?”

 

“No.  They would fall in into a shorter time period.”

 

“How short?”

 

“Months.  Testing to see what I have in mind with you?”

 

“Maybe.  You want me, but what for...a quick fuck?”

 

“That would be very nice, I can’t deny it.  But don’t worry; I see that prospect fading very quickly into the distance.  I’ve told you too much.”  Grissom sipped his drink and then set it down.  “I’m better at this when I’m drunk.”

 

Nick chuckled.  “Funny isn’t it.  The way we behave.  Picking up a woman, I'd never dream of stating my intentions to her and yet when I’m with a man, it’s straight to the point.  Sex.”

 

“You have women, too?”

 

“Not often; sometimes it’s just good to play normal.”

 

“You are normal.”

 

“No, Grissom, I’m not.  I’m stuck in limbo.  Too cowardly to come out of the closet, too gay to be able to make a life with a woman.  It’s weird because I don’t really feel bad about being gay, the sex, being with men is what I want, but I just can’t...don’t seem able, to take that final step.  Shit, this is like confession time in a magazine.  Do you want to come back to my place?  We can fuck and spend a couple of hours pretending everything is just hunky dory?”

 

Nick was surprised at himself for just suggesting it off the top of his head.  Was he getting desperate?  Grissom smirked at the suggestion.

 

“That would give me a great deal of satisfaction, Nick.”

 

Grissom followed Nick to his house.  A neat little two storey house in a quiet area of Vegas. 

 

Nick parked on his driveway and Grissom out front.  The moment Nick had opened the door and disabled his alarm Grissom was on him, his body pressed close, his mouth over Nick’s and his tongue in his mouth.

 

Nick thought it was like an assault, Grissom was insistent but gentle.  Nick hooked his hand inside Grissom’s pants belt and stood away from him, pulling him forwards while he was walking backwards.

 

“Bedroom.  I reckon both of us are too old for a roll on the floor.”

 

Grissom smirked.  “Speak for yourself.”  But he let himself be led up the stairs and into a bedroom.  The room was cool and dark and once there Nick let go of the belt and started to take his clothes off, so Grissom followed suit.

 

When he was down to just his boxer briefs, Nick stopped and went to a bedside drawer and took out a tube and a packet.  He smiled.  “Supplies.  I was a scout.”

 

Grissom went one further than Nick and removed his boxer shorts.  Nick gave the exposed, half mast erection a quick appraisal.  Dark, thick and well hung with his balls.  The very act of his appraisal caused more blood to flow in it and it jerked up.  Grissom grasped it and gave it several tugs.

 

“Come on, don’t be shy.”  Grissom moved up to Nick and kissed him, and his hands slipped into the back of the waistband of the briefs and started to push them down, only a little way so his hands could latch onto Nick’s ass cheeks.  Nick let go of Grissom to push them off and shook himself to make them fall to the floor.

 

His erection shook with him and touched Grissom’s and it was as if both men had had a small jolt of electricity as they both jumped a little at the contact.

 

They kissed and licked at each other’s jaws and shoulders and Nick found a sweet spot on Grissom’s neck behind his right ear that made his moan and shudder. 

 

Grissom pushed Nick away a little and spoke.  “I thought we’d come up to go to bed...care to lie down?”  In a husky voice Nick had never heard before.

 

Nick threw himself backwards onto the bed surprising Grissom, who laughed and crawled up on top of him sitting over his thighs.  He looked at Nick for a long moment and Nick thought that he was being inspected like a bug.  He reached up and tugged Grissom down and they kissed once more.

 

It surprised Nick that Grissom was so gentle kissing him, he wondered, momentarily, if it was because he was more used to kissing a woman that a man.  But what the hell, he thought, it was nice and not what he expected this morning when he went to work last night.

 

As the minutes passed, Nick came to realise just how accomplished a lover Grissom was...since he’d never given the matter a moments thought until they were lying together on his bed.  On his way home, with Grissom following behind, he was surprised at his impromptu invitation to Gil.  He was under no illusions, this was a fuck.  He got lucky one time and that would be that.

 

But he was thoroughly enjoying the experience.  Unlike some...most men, that Nick could remember, Grissom was paying attention to him and was touching and...well he was caressing Nick, all over.  He bit him and sucked him and he was sure he’d have a hickey or two to show for the experience.

 

But Nick didn’t think he was a slouch in such matters and had mirrored  many of Grissom’s own moves on him, except once Grissom had pulled back and murmured, “Don’t mark me, Nicky.”

 

And it wasn’t even the first time Nick had heard that.  Deeply closeted men often had a wife and family and Nick was never bothered about fucking with them....if they were idiotic enough to marry, then they deserved to be found out for what they were...as long as Nick was assured anonymity, and he hadn’t met a wife yet!

 

Nick’s lapse in concentration hadn’t gone unnoticed.  “You okay, Nick?   With this?”

 

He grinned up at the sweaty man hanging over him looking concerned and then reached across and retrieved the lube and put it into Grissom’s hand.  “I’m okay.”

 

“You look okay...flushed, sexy.  But I thought for a minute you’d had second thoughts.”

 

“No...just thinking about how things can change real quick.”  He lied, although it was a true enough statement.

 

Nick reached up and pulled Grissom down for another kiss...in a short time he’d become quite accustomed to the gentle probing of Grissom’s tongue.  With the same care that he would take in the lab over an experiment, he prepared Nick, making sure Nick was thoroughly ready before he began his penetration; it wasn’t just finger fucking the lube in place.  Gently and thoroughly he opened up Nick, making sure to locate his prostate and laughing when Nick’s ass jumped off the bed and his cock jerked at his internal massage.

 

He tore the condom wrapper with his teeth and spit out the foil and then rolled it on himself, making sure to twist and turn his hand to bring his erection back up to full strength.  He applied another layer of lube to the condom and Nick pulled a pillow from behind him and shoved it beneath his ass and then held his own legs up and wide open.

 

Grissom didn’t wait another moment but pushed ahead, lodging the head of his cock in Nick’s entrance and then looking up and checking if Nick was okay with the intrusion. Nick was more than okay, the familiar burn and stretching sensation igniting his senses.  His balls practically jumped inside his body and his leaking cock was very nearly dripping on his belly.

 

This was a good fuck.

 

Grissom started slow and built up until Nick was flipping his hips up into his thrusts, Nick rested his legs on Grissom’s back and they bucked furiously at the pace Grissom was setting.  Nick grabbed his cock with his right hand and his balls with his left...one, two twists of his cock and a squeeze of his balls and he was grunting incoherently as his orgasm overcame him, his innards on fire...moments later Grissom’s bucking stopped and he came silently, his teeth gritted and his eyes screwed shut, his face now running with sweat.

 

They stayed still for what seemed like minutes, but probably wasn’t, and then Grissom carefully withdrew, holding the condom in place, and then removing it and tying it before he dropped down on his back beside Nick.  And dropped the condom over the side of the bed.

 

“That was good, Nick, very good.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you want me to go, or can I stay awhile and sleep some?”

 

“Stay, if you want; it’s no problem, I’m going to sleep now, eat later.”  Nick pulled the bedding up over both of them and Grissom put his arms outside of the bedding but Nick huddled down into the bed and turned onto his side looking at the resting man lying on his back beside him.   

 

Through his drooping eyes he watched as Gil Grissom fell asleep and in moments was snoring.  Nick huffed.  He was used to quiet when he slept so if he kept that up he’d wake him up and make him lie on his side.  But his last thoughts before he, too, was asleep, was wondering where Sara was and where she thought Grissom was and then whether having been fucked by him, he should now call him Gil.

 

 

A persistent buzz brought Nick back into consciousness...and then he became aware of someone leaning heavily on his back with an arm slung around his waist.  It was a man; he could feel a cock nestled lazily in his crack.  And then he remembered...just as the cell phone stopped irritating his ears.

 

It was Gil Grissom.

 

Gil Grissom; who was now waking up too, judging by the movement behind him and the loosening grip on his waist.

 

“My cell.  Sorry.  Morning.”

 

“Evening.”

 

“Evening?  What time is it?”

 

“It’s...”  Nick tried to peer at his clock but Grissom had also looked over him and shrieked in his ear enough to make him wince.

 

“Fucking hell...I’ve slept for seven hours...I never sleep for seven hours.” He threw the bedclothes back and climbed out of bed, but just as he went to stand up he looked back at Nick.

 

“It was great, Nick.  Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.  I thought I might call you Gil now.”

 

“Yeah.  Seems appropriate.“  He chuckled and his cell buzzed again, this time from a text.  He stood and retrieved the phone from his pants pocket and then searched his other pockets for his specs, finding them in his shirt’s breast pocket.

 

He read the text and muttered, “Shit.” Under his breath.  “Nick, would it be okay to have a shower here?”

 

“Of course, help yourself.  Towels are in the cupboard in the bathroom.”

 

“Thanks.  Sara.”  He held his cell up as if in explanation.

 

Nick just looked, there wasn’t much he could say, but he felt a twinge of guilt, which he swallowed down.  If Grissom was happy with her he wouldn’t be fucking around.  He believed his logic for as long as he watched Grissom walk into his bathroom and felt his dick stirring, very warmly, at the sight.

 

He could hear the shower running and then when it was turned off a few moments later, Grissom opened the door with a towel slung around his waist.

 

“Sorry, Nick, but any chance I could shave?”

 

“Cabinet for shaving gel and cupboard under the sink for a new blade.”

 

“Thanks.  I owe you.”

 

When Grissom had gone back inside the bathroom and closed the door, Nick thought about that.  Did Grissom owe him?  For a fuck?  No, he did not.  Nick wasn’t into payback and after all he’d invited Grissom back.

 

He must have dozed because the next thing Grissom was getting dressed.  He noticed Nick was awake again.

 

“Do I look as if my clothes have been lying on the floor all day?”  He grimaced as he looked down at himself.

 

“Not much.  Put your jacket on and your shirt creases will improve with your body warmth.  And you’re going to be sitting in your truck so your pants will be creased anyway.  Won’t she notice you’re wearing the same clothes?”

 

“Probably.  Will she mention it?  Probably not.”

 

“Sorry, I should have put the coffee pot on...”

 

“...don’t worry, I haven’t time.  I must go...sorry...about the quick exit...”  He stopped speaking and looked across at Nick.

 

“No worries, Gil.”

 

Gil huffed a short laugh, stood for a moment longer and turned and left the bedroom.

 

Nick heaved a big sigh, stretched his arms out from under the warm covers, and thought he’d better get up...he was going to go for a run, but he nearly jumped out his skin when Grissom came back into the bedroom.

 

“Nick.  Nick, do you think we could do this again?”

 

And really that was how it all began...

 

 

It’s strange how quickly everything became normal.  In the first month Nick met up with Gil and maybe fucked about four times and then the next month it started becoming regular, every week turned into twice a week and by the third month it was at least twice a week...sometimes three.

 

Gil never stayed for more than two or three hours, he never repeated the mistake of falling asleep without first setting the alarm on his watch.  Nick didn’t bother about it that much at first, but like most things, familiarity breeds contempt.

 

Not contempt for Gil, but for himself for putting up with the situation.  The longer it went on the more he felt guilty about Sara.  The longer it went on the less respect he had for Gil for cheating on Sara.  The longer it went on the more he fell in love with Gil.

 

Nick was making coffee and Gil was waiting for him on the deck.  Nick glanced out of his kitchen window and saw that Gil was leaning back in his chair, his face relaxed as he was catching a few rays.  Nick’s stomach flipped over at the sight and quite unexpectedly his eyes stung with unshed tears and his throat constricted with a lump he tried to swallow.

 

He didn’t want Gil to leave, not today.  But that wasn’t true and he knew it; he didn’t want Gil to leave.  Period.

 

He was stupid, he knew.  He’d been with married men desperate for gay sex, but Nick had kept his distance and kept the affairs brief.  But when this thing with Gil had started he’d only done it for a fuck, he didn’t fancy Gil, he wasn’t the type of guy Nick really went for.  And yet here he was, wanting him.  Wanting more.

 

The coffee was ready so Nick poured two mugs and took them outside and put them on the table by the cupcakes.  The cupcakes were a joke...Nick had mentioned that he loved strawberry cupcakes and when he first came to Vegas and got homesick, he’d buy a cupcake and it would remind him of home when Maria, his parents’ housekeeper, used to bake them for him to take back to college, and then back home when he had his own place in Dallas.

 

Gil had understood and called them strawberry umbilicupcakes and they’d laughed together and cuddled in bed.  And the cuddling...that kind of happened, too.

 

Gil had remembered and often picked up two of the cupcakes on his way over.  So sex, coffee and cupcakes.  That was about the extent of Nick’s relationship with Gil.

 

But there was so much more. There was the cuddling to start with, and then the talking...it had started off, really, about a particular case at work and then about odd little things and then they’d started to talk about their lives...their childhood.  Gil had explained how he thought he came to fail at relationships and Nick had explained why he thought he’d never found anyone with whom to have a lasting relationship.

 

Complicated things with simple theories. Gil because of his obsessive behaviour about forensic work and especially bugs.  Nick because of his closeted status.  They both agreed it wasn’t rocket science.

But they became calm and friendly and the sex became warm and loving.  Neither mentioned Sara.  But Nick could not believe she didn’t know about them; and if not Nick, in particular, that Gil was cheating with someone.  She was a forensic scientist well versed in adding two and two together and coming up with a resounding four.

 

Gil had said quite categorically that she’d made no mention of any suspicion and had not changed in the slightest.  That was all he said.

 

At work, Nick became uneasy working with her, and tried hard not to let it show.  Luckily Gil mostly paired her with the other members of the team, but he couldn’t not have them work together sometimes, but she didn’t seem to notice that either.  If Nick was honest, and despite his secret he did try to be, he noticed no difference in Sara’s behaviour towards him or Gil, and no one ever mentioned anything to him about her.  It seemed the status quo was being maintained.

 

Of course, Sara, too, was keeping a secret.  The same secret that Nick kept.  Gil.

 

When he realised what had happened to him, Nick decided that he would end it before it got worse.  Although once he had realised...it was too late anyway.  It was going to hurt, he knew.

 

---ooOoo---

 

Gil bought over a pint of Ghirardelli’s peanut butter ice cream and was extolling its virtues when he suddenly stopped and looked at Nick’s face.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I hate peanut butter.”

 

“No.  That’s impossible.  No American hates peanut butter.”

 

“This one does.”

 

He huffed a little and then shrugged.  “I guess I’ll just have to eat it all myself.  You’re not allergic to nuts are you?”

 

“No, just can’t stand the stuff.”

 

“I couldn’t smear it over you and lick it off then?”  Gil asked with a smirk on his mouth and a gleam in his eyes.

 

Nick’s fatal mistake was his hesitation.  Gil grinned and Nick rolled his eyes. 

 

“That’s what I like, Nicky, you’re willing to sacrifice for sex!”  He reached forward and tweaked one of Nick’s nipples through his shirt. “Just a little, not too much...the cold will make them stand to attention. And I could put just a little on your glans...maybe?”  He stopped talking as Nick’s eyebrows reached his hairline.  “Sucking it off would be...”

 

He didn’t need to continue, because peanut butter ice cream, or not, Nick started grinning and his pants started to expand in direct correlation to his expanding penis.

 

Gil pulled Nick into a kiss and hugged him.  “You go undress...I’m gonna raid your freezer.”  He pushed Nick, gently, in the direction of his staircase and when he eventually made it the bedroom Nick was undressed, lying on the bed and stroking his erection.

 

“You take direction so well.”

 

“What have you got there?”  Nick queried the bowl Gil was carrying.

 

“Ah: the ice cream will melt before we’ve finished and since I would like to eat it...well, what remains, I thought it would be propitious of me to put it in ice, so I raided your freezer, as I said, and found a bowl out of your cupboard.  But we shouldn’t delay.”

 

“I’m ready man...you’re the one discussing propitious conditions for the ice cream.”

 

“True.”

 

Gil put the bowl containing the tub of ice cream on the bed, and stripped.  Very quickly.

 

He then sat on the bed straddling Nick and bent to kiss him but Nick stopped him.

 

“I should warn you that once you start licking the stuff off me, kissing will off the menu.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

“And if you want me to blow you...don’t get any on your dick.”

 

“God, Nick.  Any more rules and regulations before I start?”

 

Nick put on a good display of thinking about it but was cut short by Gil kissing him hard on his mouth and pushing his tongue into Nick.  Nick held onto Gil’s ass and enjoyed the contact.

 

Gil pulled back.  “I’m gonna miss kissing you...but here goes.”

 

He opened the tub and produced a spoon, with a flourish, from within the bowl.  He scooped out a small amount and placed it directly over Nick’s right nipple and then did the same with his left.  Nick jumped at the cold and wrinkled his nose in disgust, not at the sight, but at the thought of the flavour.

 

But as Gil began to lick and suck at each nipple, already standing erect as Gil had predicted, he decided that next time, he reckoned they should try double choc or maybe even cookie dough flavours.

 

Each scoop that Gil deposited on Nick gave him another frisson of excitement.  He’d done it before with cream, hell, who hadn’t, but the cold of the ice cream gave it another dimension.

 

Gil licking at his belly button had him squirming almost uncontrollably at being ticklish, he had no idea why his belly button was ticklish, but it was and Gil was forever torturing him.

 

But when a large scoop was deposited on his cock he fully expected it to recoil in shock, not stand up begging for more...the ingrate...it was still peanut butter.  This time Gil didn’t lick it off, he sat back pumping and twisting his own cock, as he watched the melting ice cream slither down Nick’s cock into his pubic hair and onto his balls....he even used another scoop to watch it for longer.

 

Nick could feel the creamy mess gradually slipping down his cock and onto his balls and then when Gil put more on, it slid down further around his balls onto his perineum and then across his asshole...he was gasping at the sensation and wanted Gil...anyone...to touch him...now.

 

“Gillll...”  He positively whined the name.  “Come on, man.  Do the biz...please?”

 

Gil laughed.  “You beg so convincingly.”

 

Letting go of his own cock he pulled at Nick’s legs until they were open wide and exposed his cock, his balls, his hole and the mess of melted ice cream.  Pushing the legs towards Nick, Gil bent over Nick and licked the ice cream from around the cock, but didn’t suck it, his licked Nick’s balls and gently sucked each of them and as Nick groaned, he licked behind his balls and around his hole...pushing the tip of his tongue just inside Nick.

 

Nick’s ass bounced up off the bed and Gil was momentarily dislodged, but he laughed and went back to work.  Licking at, and in, his ass and sucking the taught skin on his ass cheeks.

 

“You got to...you got to...”  Nick was desperate for Gil to take his cock in his mouth and was holding onto the bed head to stop himself from touching himself.  He was so desperate that he was thinking that he would, even despite the peanut butter.

 

But relief was suddenly at hand when Gil pulled back, dropped Nick’s legs and then fastened his mouth over Nick’s erection.  Nick’s sigh at the sudden relief was quickly replaced by his gasping as Gil worked his mouth and throat down his shaft and within a few moments, the electric charges from Nick’s balls were firing into his belly and up his spine and he started to pump into Gil’s willing mouth and throat, flooding it in seconds.

 

Gil had to pull back to swallow, but he leaned forward again to clean up as much as he could.  Nick was wasted, he couldn’t move and he could hardly breathe a he came down from his peanut butter inspired orgasm.

 

He was in no to state to notice that Gil still had his hard on and it was straining.  Gil pulled back and surveyed the scene.

 

“Can I fuck you?  Would that be okay...or do you think you’d be too sensitive?”

 

“Do it.  I want it...just keep that...stuff...away from me.”

 

Gil bent and kissed Nick’s sticky and belly, still heaving up and down from his erratic breathing.  He retrieved the lube and a condom and was efficient and speedy at preparing Nick and also noted with a mischievous smile that Nick was getting hard again. He made sure to massage Nick’s prostate quite thoroughly and was encouraged by the response it earned him.

 

He sat back on his haunches put a pillow under Nick’s ass and then positioned the well lubed condom at Nick’s hole...he pressed in and in a slow but smooth motion he became fully sheathed by Nick’s hot bottom.  Despite his nonchalant manner with Nick, he was so wound up he knew he’d be quick and with the heat, the friction, the tight hole and Nick watching him he was all too quickly at the point of no return.  And it was over.

 

He lay forward with his forehead on Nick’s chest and then slowly pulled out of Nick and twisted and slumped down on the bed beside Nick.  He peeled the condom off and just held it with his left hand and with his right hand he took Nick’s hand and interlinked their fingers.

 

“That was...so good...more than good...it was special.”  Nick could hear the feelings that Gil was expressing in his voice.  Calm and gentle.  Caring maybe.

 

Nick had no idea where it came from, he didn’t think about it and he certainly didn’t plan it, but he spoke back at Gil, quietly but quite distinctly before he realised what he was saying.

 

“I love you.”

 

Nick heard Gil take in a deep breath and then he lifted Nick’s hand up, still entwined with his own, kissed the back of it then laid it back down on the bed and let it go.  He swung his legs off the bed and sat up.

 

“Nick...  Nick...”  But he left whatever he intended to say unsaid and stood instead; he made his way to the bathroom, shoulders slumped.  He closed the bathroom door and in a few moments Nick heard the shower start.

 

Nick was numb.  He couldn’t believe he’d said it in the first place, but he had been thinking it more and more since that day he’d watched Gil, through his kitchen window, sunbathing on his deck.

 

But he had his answer sure enough.  Gil might love fucking him but he didn’t love him.  He reserved that for her...

 

He looked down at himself, he needed to clean up; he felt sticky and...he thought for a moment...and dirty.

 

He got up and started stripping off his bedding; it would need washing since it stunk of peanut butter and sex.  At that thought, Nick felt sick, but swallowed it down.  What was that song his Momma used to sing when he fell and hurt himself as a little boy?  ‘Pick yourself up.  Dust yourself off.  Start all over again.’ 

 

Well...it wasn’t like he hadn’t done it before, plenty of times; he’d do it again.

 

He’d taken his bedding downstairs and put it in his washer and started the programme, without a stitch of clothing on.  No one could see him and he wasn’t bothered.  He washed his hands at his sink and then put on the coffee pot.  No cupcakes today.  Peanut fucking butter ice cream, which he sincerely hoped was melted past redemption back in the bedroom where he’d left it, quite deliberately.

 

He went back upstairs and Gil was dressing.

 

“Nick...”

 

“...leave it, okay?  Coffee pot’s on.”  And with that he went into the bathroom and this time he closed the door.

 

When he came out he put a tee on and some sweats and went downstairs. Gil was waiting in the kitchen; he hadn’t poured a coffee for either of them.

 

“It’s not that I...but this makes...it’s too complicated...” Gil spoke hesitantly, something he never normally would do.

 

“It’s okay.  I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.  Coffee? “  Nick went for bright and breezy couldn’t care less and both men knew he’d failed.

 

“It’s okay.  I’ll get going.  I threw the ice cream away, swilled it down the sink and the container is in your trash, outside, so there should be no lingering smell.”

 

“Thanks.”  Nick poured his own coffee and waited to see what Gil would do.

 

He came up behind Nick and slid his arms around his waist, pressing his body against Nick’s back.  He spoke into the skin on Nick’s neck.

 

“I want to talk about it, Nick, I really do, try and explain it to you.”

 

Nick twisted in his Gil’s arms.  “You don’t have to, I understand.”  But of course, he didn’t, not for one moment, but he didn’t blame Gil, this was all of his own stupid making.

 

Gil didn’t kiss him but hugged him tight and then left.  Nick stood leaning on his counter sipping his coffee for a long time.  And when he moved he’d decided what he had to do.

 

This couldn’t go on, he couldn’t go on like it.  He knew it and he bet Gil knew it, but Gil wouldn’t do anything about it, why would he?  He was having it both ways...Nick smirked at his thought...both ways, that was very true.

 

That night at the lab, Gil paired himself up with Nick and they had a fair distance to drive.  Nick guessed Gil would try to sweet talk him, but it was too late for that.

 

Gil was silent for the first five miles in heavy traffic, while they stopped and started what seemed like a hundred times.  But once they got out onto the open interstate, Gil suddenly started speaking.

 

“I feel obligated to Sara.  There are so many issues that she has and needs to work through, I can’t just walk out, it would set her back and she is actually making some progress.  I think.”  Nick thought he didn’t sound very convinced and Nick hadn’t noticed any change in Sara...he would never have guessed she was involved with Gil, who had always been her prize, so why wasn’t she happy?  Gil wasn’t about to tell him the details and, in truth, he didn’t want to know.

 

“The way I see it, Gil, it’s not Sara who’s the problem here, it’s you.  You say you can’t or won’t leave her, and yet you seem quite happy to cheat on her.  If her problems are that bad aren’t you just adding to them with your behaviour.  If she found out about us she’s hardly likely to take it sitting down is she?  She would be worse, much worse, by my reckoning.  This has got to end.”  He took one hand of the steering wheel to make a gesture between the two of them.

 

“Jesus.  Nick.  Please don’t make me choose.  You know what I’ll have to do...and I want you...I need you.”

 

“You need to choose, Gil.  Now.  Well not now, this minute...I’ll give you a few days to think about it, weigh up the pros and cons.”  Even as he spoke, Nick knew exactly what the outcome would be.

 

He could feel Gil’s eyes on him, but refused to glance at him.  There was no doubt in his mind that he was the one with the backbone in this matter.  God knew he didn’t want to end it, but he couldn’t go on letting himself fall deeper and deeper under the spell and in love with Gil Grissom.  He was hurt enough as it was and it wouldn’t get any better, so getting out while he still could was, realistically, his only option.

 

He held just a glimmer of hope that Gil would choose him, but he stamped on it as it rose up into his consciousness...because he knew Gil wouldn’t.

 

They arranged to meet up at Joey’s diner after work two days later.

 

---ooOoo---

 

They only ordered coffee and talked about a case for five minutes and then Nick sat back in the booth and eyeballed Gil, who was clearly uncomfortable.

 

“Well?”

 

Gil swallowed and looked down at his coffee.  “At this time, Nick, I just cannot leave her, I just cannot...I know you say I’m cheating on her anyway and isn’t that worse.  My honest answer is that, ‘no’, not at the moment it isn’t; she is working through these issues she has, and I support her, but what we have...it’s not physical...not any more.  Did you think I could be with you as completely as I have been and still sleep with her too?  I couldn’t and I haven’t.”

 

“Fuck, Gil, that makes it worse, don’t you see that?  Using me to get the sex you don’t get at home...”

 

“...no, it’s not like that, really it isn’t.  I can’t explain it, I told you that night...in your truck...I’m useless at relationships, edges get blurred and I get lost in all the emotions.  I’m just not capable of managing them, do you understand?”

 

“No.  No, I don’t.  You’re the same at work...merrily going about your work oblivious to what’s going on around you...and yet you, you, are the one that’s been living the lie.  I can’t go on anymore, Gil.  I’m the one that’s going to end up hurt.

 

“Not just you.”

 

“Do you know I kinda believe you.  You choose Sara?”  Nick asked outright.

 

“I have to.”

 

Nick was stung by the words even knowing they were coming; he must have thought, subconsciously, that he had a sliver of hope, just a sliver.  Obviously not.  He took a few deep breaths and they exchanged a few more words, Gil suddenly getting angry at Nick when he realised that he was going through with it.  It certainly appeared to Nick that he really did want them both. 

 

Nick finished his coffee and took out a couple of bucks and left them on the table, stood, and walked out.  It took a lot of willpower not to stop, turnaround, and go back.

 

He had conflicting emotions as he made his way to his truck, he was undeniably proud of himself that he’d stood his ground.  He was also devastated because he knew that he loved Gil, never expected to, never wanted to, and yet there it was.  The first time he’d let himself fall, completely, and it was the most inappropriate guy he could imagine.

 

Just about the way his luck ran.  Good job he didn’t gamble, he’d be bankrupt.

 

 

Nick was stoical.  It was part and parcel of his basic character; so when the going got tough, he just went about his business and did the best he could.  No different from any other time.

 

No one questioned him about his behaviour because his behaviour didn’t change.  The same couldn’t be said of Gil Grissom and somehow it pleased Nick that nearly everyone, except Sara, he noted, was mouthing off about him.  Bear with a sore head...was probably about the most pleasant thing anyone could find to say about him.  His mood had been diabolical and in Nick’s presence both Catherine and Jim has called him on it, to no avail. 

 

He denied there was anything wrong and that the fault lay with everyone else; he said he was busy, he was trying to keep all the balls in the air and it would better serve everyone if they played their part and didn’t keep bothering him...or words to that effect. 

 

Nick, perversely, derived some comfort from Gil’s discomfort.  He helped him to think that he’d hurt Gil as much as Gil had hurt him.  But, like his inherent stoicism, he wasn’t given to holding grudges either and was feeling sorry for Gil by the end of the first week after their break-up.

 

Not that he thought about relenting.  He didn’t.  There was only one solution to the problem and there was nothing that Nick could do to precipitate that solution.

 

But it’s was funny, in a macabre sense, what actually happened.

 

Just two weeks after Nick ended his relationship with Gil, Natalie Davies decided to take matters into her hands.

 

For Nick it was like Walter Gordon all over again, but while he’d been a random victim it was clear, almost immediately, that Sara was deliberately chosen and the reason why became apparent within hours.  Gil’s admission of his relationship with Sara made him feel sick, and if they’d been alone he would have probably sucker punched Gil.

 

Everyone was very surprised and Nick acted the part.  And they pulled together showing just how good they were as a team, and Sara was found.  Nick was happy that he’d found her, if not safe and well, at least alive.  Although that supreme irony was not lost on him.

 

Sara recovered and for a time it seemed to Nick was better than she had been for a long time.  She was moved to swing shift though, and that threw them all off kilter for a while.

 

But Nick started hearing tales about how impatient Sara had become, how the rest of swing tried to avoid her, not knowing what mood they’d find her in; it all seemed very familiar to Nick.

 

Gil seemed normal, if not entirely happy.  It was Catherine, in a moment of gossip to Nick, who mentioned that for a man who had lost and then found the love of his life, he didn’t seem to be any different from how he used to be.  It was also Catherine who said he seemed much happier before; she recalled, and asked Nick if he remembered, how happy Gil had seemed in the months before Sara’s abduction, just before he became the bear with a sore head...

 

Yeah...Nick remembered alright.  But he denied to Catherine that he’d noticed anything.

 

And so it went on.  Nick actually met a guy at the dental surgery when he went for a check-up.  They dated for a few weeks but even the great sex and his good looks couldn’t hide the guy’s vacuous personality, or maybe it was just too soon after Gil, but Nick felt compelled to dump him.

 

For the first time in a long time, Nick felt at if he’d become aimless.  He started a more rigorous gym routine and dropped a few pounds and ripped a few muscles.  He worked on neglected articles he’d been trying to put together to publish.  He even considered, but then firmly abandoned the idea, of joining a gay dating website.  Too risky, or, more accurately, too much bother.

 

But he had work...Gil seemed no different, but occasionally he’d swear he caught him looking his way, almost wistfully.  They never spoke of what they’d had.  It was easier, from Nick’s point of view, to pretend it had never happened and yet it had and he couldn’t forget a moment of it.  Sometimes he’d find himself re-living some moments they’d shared, but all the moments ended with him saying ‘I love you’ and Gil walking out.

 

Of course, he never expected in a million years what happened next.  Sara up and left.  She kissed Grissom, in front of the lab rats, and left.   Catherine claimed that she’d seen it coming, but Nick was blindsided by the event.  What did it mean?  Did it mean anything?  Would Grissom follow her?  Would she come back?  What pissed off Nick the most was that all of these were his thoughts and hypotheses...and he liked tangible evidence, after all that was what his work was all about.  But, there was none.

 

He was still fucked.

 

To Nick, Grissom didn’t seem any different really, maybe a little distracted, but he was often like that anyway.  Maybe a little taciturn, but he was like that, too...maybe a little more pronounced that usual, but that was the only leeway Nick was prepared to give him.  It amused Nick to see that Grissom was given the sympathy vote by everyone and was irritable with the people who actually tried to offer help and guidance.  Now that was normal Grissom.

 

That was funny too, that Nick had gone back to thinking about Gil as Grissom.  Gil was the guy who fucked him...and then fucked him over.  Grissom was just his boss.

 

It was seven weeks and five days after Sara’s departure that Nick’s doorbell rang one evening.  Nick didn’t check to see who it was he just opened the door and came face to face with Gil Grissom.

 

He stood and stared for a few moments unable to think of anything to say, not even ‘hello’.

 

“Nick.  Could I...um...come in?”

 

“Oh.  Yeah.”   Nick stood aside to let Gil pass and closed the door once he was inside.

 

“I’m sorry, is this inconvenient...me, just dropping by?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay.  I mean, that’s good.”

 

Nick remembered the last time he’d heard Gil so hesitant, so unsure of what he was saying, just before he’d walked out on Nick.

 

“You want a drink?  A beer?”

 

“No beer.  I want a clear head for this, Nick.”

 

“For what?”

 

“To ask you...something.  Yes.  Ask you something.”

 

“What?”  Nick’s heart was thumping hard in his chest; he was sure that if he looked down he would actually see his heart beating out it’s rhythm in his chest. 

 

“I thought you might be able to guess, but no matter...”  He stopped talking and took a breath.  “...would you like to go on a date...you know...a meal...”

 

“...I know what a date is.”

 

“Of course you do.  So what do you think?”

 

“I think, you’ve got a fucking nerve coming back here.”

 

Gil nodded as of he was in complete agreement and then scratched, distractedly at the side of his face.  Nick started laughing, he couldn’t help it, he had never see Gil Grissom so stuck for words so...helpless.  And Nick was euphoric and nervous and incredulous, all rolled into one.

 

Gil slipped both hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels.  “I deserve that.  I’m sorry.”  He turned towards the door, apparently to leave.

 

“I haven’t said ‘no’.”

 

He stopped, turned and smiled.  “That’s true.”

 

“My rules.”

 

“Absolutely.  Your rules.”

 

“Okay.  Where are you taking me for our first date?”

 

“New York, New York?”  Gil chuckled.

 

“Not on the roller coaster...no way.”

 

“I didn’t think so.  Okay.  What about a Chinese meal?  Pearl at the MGM?”

 

“Yeah.  That’d be good.”

 

“I’ll make a booking...Saturday?”

 

“Yeah.  Good.”

 

“We’re both off, I think.  Sooo, I’ll see you later at the lab?”

 

“Yeah, you will.  Gil?”  Gil raised his eyebrows in question at Nick. “Do you want to stay, now?  We can fuck and spend a couple of hours before we have to go to work, what do you think?”

 

Nick thought Gil would think it funny and readily agree to stay, but that was not the case.  Gil stood looking at Nick and then looked down at the floor, his hands still in his pockets. He looked up again.

 

“You’d let me?  After the way I've behaved towards you?”

 

“I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t willing.”

 

“No.”  At Nick’s surprised expression Gil smiled.  “I mean, ‘no’, you wouldn’t have asked, of course I’ll stay, it’s so much more than I expected.”

 

“Man, I’ve missed you so much.”  And, surprising both men, Nick flung himself at Gil causing him to stagger backwards, but once he’d removed his hands from his pockets he held onto Nick and their kiss consumed them as their bodies aligned, as if from memory.

 

After a few minutes of gasping and trying to make up for lost time, Gil gently pulled away from Nick.  “I don’t deserve you, I really don’t, but you’re all I've thought of every day and night...”

 

“...since Sara left?”  Nick finished, and he pulled back further.

 

“No.  Since the ride on the roller coaster.”

 

“Then why...”  Gil put his fingers on Nick’s lips.

 

“I cannot tell you and break her confidence, Nick.  All I can, will, say, is that I fully expected her to leave, sometime, and I thought that if I waited her out, she would be able to cope with it being her decision and not mine.  If I had forced it on her, there could have been so many more repercussions...not just for me, but for you, if she’d found out, if she’d realised.”

 

“So you do know how do work at relationships?”

 

“No, I don’t.  I hope for the best, but I always expect, and usually get, the worst.  But I can tell you that those months we had before...they were the best...the very best.  They only served to make me even more depressed with what I’d, ill-advisedly, chosen.”

 

“But if Natalie Davis hadn’t abducted her, wouldn’t you still be with her?”

 

“No.  I don’t think so.  Natalie just speeded things up.  My only thought was that you would still be willing...would still...”

 

“You could have asked me to wait.  I would have.”

 

Gil nodded, his face contorting and his voice choking as he spoke. “I know.  I know you would have, but I couldn’t have asked you to put your life on hold for however long it took.”

 

Nick slipped his arms around Gil, from his shoulders, where they’d been resting.  “I would have, God, I would have.”  They hugged very tightly, each man’s head on the other’s shoulder.

 

“Nick; when Sara was abducted I was sick to my stomach...sick...it could have been you.  If Natalie Davies had seen us together she would have known about you.”  Gil whispered into Nick’s shoulder.

 

Nick pulled back and looked at Gil and frowned as he studied Gil’s face...a picture of sorrow, real sorrow.  “It wasn’t me.  I’m okay.”  He spoke quietly but assuredly.

 

Gil nodded and ran his fingers over Nick’s cheek and then traced his lips with his forefinger.  His sorrowful expression fading into a look that Nick knew.  He knew that Gil Grissom loved him.    

 

In the end they didn’t fuck, but sat on the couch, holding hands, drinking coffee, eating cheese sandwiches that Nick had thrown together, and talked about their lives.  About what had happened; about what they were going to do.

 

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”  Gil remarked as they talked about what they were going to do.

 

“Lao Tsu.”  Nick murmured.

 

“Yes!” 

 

“Don’t act so surprised.”  Nick chuckled.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Nick laughed some more.  “You told me before...jeez, I think you told us all at least half a dozen times over the years.”

 

“I did?  I did.”  Gil laughed too.  Then he stopped laughing and looked at Nick.  “I have laughed more tonight than I have...than I have since the peanut butter ice cream.”

 

Nick groaned.  “Please, get another flavour next time.”

 

“Next time?  Sounds good.  Do they do cockroach flavour, do you think?”

 

“I know you’re not joking.”  Nick stopped and grinned at Gil.  “Man, this just feels so...”

 

“...right?”

 

“Yeah.  Right.  Hey, I’d better get a move on and change for work. ”

 

If Nick thought too much about their life together he’d worry.  It was just too damn good and it was just too damn easy.  They agreed about most things and when they disagreed they accepted it and moved on.

 

They liked doing things together and they still did things separately.  They didn’t quite live together but Gil spent time at Nick’s house and Nick spent an increasing amount of time at Gil’s house.  When Gil said he was going to have the place re-decorated, Nick persuaded him, although even that was easy, to have a different colour scheme.  Although changing from off-white walls throughout the house, to a hint of peach, was hardly life altering, but it brightened and warmed the house so much that Gil was very impressed.

 

“As long as I can remember I’ve just had the walls painted off-white and the paintwork, white.  It never really occurred to me that such a small change could make such a difference.  It looks...I don’t know, homely.  Yes, that’s it, homely.  What’s so funny?”

 

“You.  Are you seriously expecting me to believe that it never crossed your mind to change the colour?”

 

“No, it never did.  It was perfectly serviceable and easily maintained...just as this will be really.  It’s only paint.”

 

“Yes it is.  But it’s what goes on in a house that makes it a home, not the paintwork.  Jeez!”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I sound domestic and corny.”

 

“Yes, you do.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

They laughed and hugged.  And in that very moment Nick realised, fully, the extent of his love for Gil Grissom.  He furrowed his brow trying to think of a word to describe it, but all he could think of was that it was normal.  This was how life should be, just wonderfully normal.

 

“I can hear you thinking.”

 

Nick pulled back from Gil.  “Yes, I was trying to think how this all felt...”  He poked Gil in the chest with a finger and then himself.  “...and the word I came up with took me by surprise.”

 

“And are you going to tell me this word of yours?”

 

“Normal.  This is how we are living our lives.  Just...normally.”

 

“Okay, yes.  I see what you’re getting at.  It’s a good feeling isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah.  It is.”

 

They’d settled for this life they shared because it was exactly what they both wanted and needed, of course it helped that the sex was great, and that Gil always corrected Nick when he said that they fucked because Gil always said that they made love.  Nick could not disagree.

 

Nick also relaxed with his normally constrained gay life.  It didn’t seem to matter any longer if people stared or looked at them peculiarly, or even suspiciously; that people suspected.  They didn’t act camp, that wasn’t their style, but there was no denying that they had an affinity, a bond, whatever they chose to call it, which was easily identified, and people did guess, correctly.

 

But not at work.  At work they were Nick and Gris.  No hint, they hoped, of any impropriety and none was perceived.

 

Gil had been the primary force in this, though Nick was with him one hundred percent.  Gil realised how strange it would look that he’d had a relationship with Sara that they kept secret for nearly two years and now in a complete volte-face, here he was again, but with Nick.  And besides that, he didn’t want Nick to leave his shift; it suited them both to be together at work and at play.  They were careful, not to much, but enough.

 

It was because everything was working out so well that Nick would always have it at the back of his mind that their cosy life together, and especially his smugness about their normal life, was a harbinger of doom.  Something bad was bound to happen.

 

---ooOoo---

 

At first, it seemed as if it had all worked out.  Warrick was cleared of murder, even though for a time, Nick and Gil both thought, well, that just maybe... But then they felt a little guilty for their lapse and unspoken disloyalty. 

 

When Warrick had left the bar where they’d celebrated his exoneration...Gil had glanced over at Nick and Nick knew that he would leave and that Nick would follow a little later, a discreet distance between them.  They would rendezvous at Gil’s house.

 

And then all hell let loose.

 

The main emotion Nick felt was complete and utter surprise.  He couldn’t even feel sad or devastated or even shocked, as Gil and Catherine so obviously did.  It was as if it just wasn’t true, it didn’t happen.  It was a stupid mistake.  Warrick would suddenly turn up laughing, and say, ‘Man, did you dudes fall for that, big time...’

 

But that wasn’t going to happen.  The next worst thing was working with a clearly devastated and distressed Gil, and not being able to touch him, console him...console each other at their loss.  They managed a swift hug when they went into the restroom together.

 

But it was Nick who was fired up, Nick who was determined to see it through and his closest ally turned out to be Jim.  The team worked together but Nick assumed the lead, as Gil seemed incapable and Catherine was too devastated.

 

It was Nick and Jim who followed McKeen.  It was Nick and Jim first at the scene of the overturned car and the dead cop.  But it was Nick, alone, who followed the blood trail and Nick who fired his gun in anger.  It was Nick who cried alone, among the trees, after Jim had taken his gun. 

 

But they got their man and Warrick was avenged.  But it didn’t bring Warrick back; he didn’t turn up and say it was a huge joke...a big mistake...that he’d yanked their chains big time... 

 

Back at the lab Gil was so grateful to Nick that he would have hugged and kissed him and consoled him, propriety be damned.  But he didn’t.  They spoke about Internal Affairs investigating the discharge of his gun at the arrest of a suspect.  No one expected anything to come of that and Ecklie was righteously furious that they even wanted to interview Nick at all.  Nick was calm about it; it was nothing in comparison to their loss.

 

They shared a whispered conversation. “Do you want me to come over to your place?”  Nick asked Gil.  Somehow the last thirty six hours had disappeared into nothingness...a blur.

 

“Of course I do.  You want to come don’t you?”  Gil sounded unsure to Nick.  Gil’s world had been seriously turned upside down, and Nick thought that Gil didn’t seem to be sure of anything any more.

 

“There is nowhere on this Earth that I would rather be, than with you.”  Nick smiled, just a little, and it was as if he’d never smiled before because his face muscles hurt from the effort, as if they’d forgotten how to smile.

 

Gil didn’t speak, he looked as of he couldn’t, but he nodded and sighed and visibly relaxed, a little.

 

“I’ll be about ten, fifteen minutes, you going now?”

 

“Right now.  I cannot wait to be with you, Nick, alone and quiet.” 

 

Nick nodded this time and then turned and left Gil’s office.

 

As Nick drove out of the PD car lot he checked his watch, he’d been sixteen minutes, but that did include getting to his truck and driving out of the lot.  He relaxed, knowing that he would soon be able to mourn Warrick, properly, with his lover.

 

For once, in what seemed like a decade, traffic was light.

 

When he turned the corner of the street and saw Gil’s truck on his driveway his heavy heart became just a little lighter.  Two minutes and everything would be okay. He knew that wasn’t true; Warrick was still dead, but Nick had Gil now...they had each other and it would help.

 

He parked in the road outside Gil’s house and walked up the driveway and as he arrived at the door it swung open.

 

“Nick...”

 

There was something wrong, he knew it, Gil looked panic stricken, he guessed that’s what it was, because he’d never seen him look like that before.

 

He walked past Gil into the house and turned and was going to say, “what’s wrong, babe...’ but he never uttered a word, partly due to the new look of abject horror on Gil’s face and partly because behind him, he heard footsteps running down Gil’s stairs.

 

He did look, but he didn’t need to because he knew it was Sara.

 

He had no idea, whatsoever, what his face actually looked like, but he thought he was going to vomit.  He swallowed the rising bile and couldn’t speak.  

 

“Nick.  I cannot believe it; I came as soon as I heard.”  She reached Gil’s side and slung an arm lazily into Gil’s arm, linking them.  Gil was looking directly at him but his face had now gone blank.

 

Where he found the words, or the strength to utter them, he’ll never know but he did and spoke to both of them.

 

“I’ll go, I don’t want to intrude.”  He turned and left immediately through the front door that was still open.  He heard them both speak behind him.

 

Sara said, “...no, it’s okay, you don’t...”

 

But it was Gil’s plaintiff voice that echoed in his ears. “Please, don’t go...”

 

Nick jumped into his truck, fired it up and left; he drove straight home, diligently observing every speed limit and traffic sign.  He pulled up onto his driveway and turned off his engine and the first sob overtook him and silently wracked his body, almost convulsively.  For several minutes he heaved as he sobbed; his face wet with tears and his nose running...he gradually calmed down and wiped his nose on his sleeve.  He didn’t have the strength to even attempt to get out of his truck.

 

He looked up into his rear view mirror at his red and swollen eyes and spoke aloud to himself.  “You stupid, stupid, fuckwit...you must have known he would always choose her...  Bastard!  The motherfucking bastard.”  And he dissolved into tears again, less violent than his sobs but just as heartbreaking.  Sobbing for himself...and For Warrick.

 

He leaned his head on his forearms as they rested on his steering wheel...

 

He was suddenly aware of a knocking noise and he jumped up; he’d obviously been asleep and was momentarily disorientated.  Gil was rapping his driver’s side window with his knuckles and when he saw Nick wake up and move, he opened the door.

 

“Nick.  Nick.  I’m so sorry.  I forgot she still had a key to my place.  I was so surprised that she was there when I got home, but Nick?  Nick?  I told her.  I...she’s gone, she left the house; I said she could stay in the spare room...but she’s gone...to a motel.

 

Nick’s tears were flowing down his face again.  He put his hand up to Gil’s face and stroked his cheek with his thumb.  “She’s gone?”  He hiccoughed.  “You told her?”

 

“Gone.  I said I’d moved on and that there was someone else...I didn’t say it was you.  She might have guessed, I don’t know, she didn’t say.  She didn’t say anything much...just, ‘oh, I see.’  And like I said I offered up my spare room but she said she’d go, and she did...I’d only been home a few minutes when you arrived otherwise I would have told her before you got there.

 

“You would?”

 

“Yes.  I lost you once.  I’m never going to let that happen again, Nicky.  Not now.  Never.”

 

“Never?”

 

“Never.  Come on, let’s get you inside; get some food and drink in you and then rest up, you look shattered.”

 

“Yeah.  I am.  Warrick.”  Nick knew, instinctively, that Gil was putting aside his own raw grief and was helping him, supporting him as knew he’d support Gil.  As one.

 

Gil nodded, his face grave, he pulled Nick slightly to make him get out of the truck.  He did and Gil retrieved the keys, locked the truck, and with their arms around each others waist, they made their weary, disconsolate way into Nick’s home. 

 

The days leading up to Warrick’s funeral seemed to go by in slow motion but then, when the day arrived, it was too soon.  It didn’t seem that they were ready to let go of Warrick.

 

Sara sat in the pew next to Gil and Nick was fine about that, he needed to be by Catherine to support her...or for her to support him.  At least Nick and Gil had each other to help them grieve but it was still very hard.  Gil’s eulogy spoke for them all, just how much they would all miss him.

 

 Sara left, again, and if she did know that Nick was her rival, she never said. 

 

The weeks and months following Warrick’s death were hard, particularly for Gil, who was struck with a malaise about his life.  It was as if having made a commitment, for the first time in his life, to a relationship that he believed would endure, he now needed to do something about his working life.  And for the first time in his life he could share his feelings, discuss what he wanted to do and be supported.

 

Nick was with him every step of the way and felt their bond grow and for the first time in his adult life, he, too, was supported by a man who understood. 

 

They decided that they should live together and in the short term chose Gil’s house because it was bigger; they decided to see how it went and then look for somewhere that would be their place.  Their home. 

 

They still remained closeted at work.

 

When Gil finally decided to leave he stipulated that there was to be no fanfare, no leaving celebration.  He was staying in Las Vegas, he would still see them. 

 

He had also secured a very prestigious research position with the Law School at Stanford in California.  The research was to determine the impact of complex forensic technical data in court proceedings.  The very best thing about the work was that most of the research could be done from their home.  His excitement for this new work far outweighed his sadness about leaving the old work.

 

Gil had everything he needed.  Nick.

 

Just before he left the lab for the last time Gil ambled around and looked at everyone working; Nick saw him but deliberately avoided catching his eye...it was ludicrous because he would be seeing him after the shift, he lived with him for God’s sake, but he was still irrationally emotional about his actual departure.  An end of an era, he supposed, but the start of another.

 

And Nick had a hurdle to jump the very next day.

 

They’d talked about this for some time and with Gil’s departure from the lab it just seemed the ideal time to do it.  When he got home from work to a special order of pancakes a la Grissom, Nick made a call to Conrad Ecklie and arranged to see him at the start of Catherine’s shift that evening.

 

Nick saw Conrad in the corridor and they used Gil’s old office to speak in private.

 

“I don’t think this will have any impact on the lab or you, or me, to be honest, Conrad, but I thought it was about time I told you and cleared the matter up and now seemed as good as time as any.  I mean, I’ve certainly been thinking...”

 

“Nick!”  Conrad stopped Nick in full flight.  “You’re rambling, what do you want to tell me that’s making you so nervous?”

 

“I’m gay.”  In the end it was really easy to say and he felt instantly liberated.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And...”

 

“I thought it was time I told you.”

 

“Does everyone else know then?”

 

“No, no they don’t.”

 

“Okay.  So this is a coming out of the closet moment?”

 

“Yes.  Yes.  I mean I’m not going to be shouting it from the rooftops, you understand, but I’ve kept it to myself all these years and I thought that I should come clean...and just let you know...for starters, and then let the others know...” Nick petered out at Conrad’s bemused expression.

 

“Is there some significance that you’ve waited until Catherine is your supervisor and Grissom has left?”

 

Nick paused.  “That would be a yes.” 

 

“And that significance would be?”

 

“I’m in a relationship, a real one, for the first time and...”  He faltered because although he intended to tell Conrad about himself, he was going to leave Gil out of the equation for the time being, but Conrad Ecklie was leading him by his nose like a horse to water, and this horse was going to drink. “...it’s with Gil.”

 

When Nick explained to Gil what had happened, his said that his biggest regret was not having a camera handy to record the ‘Kodak moment’; the look on Conrad’s face.  Conrad had been truly shocked, not by the gay revelation, but that is was Gil with whom Nick was having his real relationship.

 

After Sara Sidle.  Switching sides. 

 

Later during the same shift, Catherine remarked to Nick that she thought Conrad seemed oddly distracted.  Nick agreed, absolutely, and then, because he felt liberated and confident, he asked Catherine if he could speak to her, candidly, about a personal matter.

 

“Of course you can Nicky, you know you can always tell me anything, absolutely anything.”

 

And for the second time that evening Nick had regretted that he didn’t have his camera with him...

 

The End

A/N 1:  Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my little offering!  A special thank you to all of you who’ve taken the extra time to write a little comment...you know I really appreciate it!

A/N 2:  Off on my hols now for two weeks, so cu all when I get home!

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