Title: Knockin On Heaven's Door
Author: Bj Jones
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: I think we all know I don't own them and the reasons why. They are owned by various executives, producers, writers and studios that have more lawyers than I want to mess with. I'm not making any money just borrowing them for a bit and promise to return them.
Summary: Speed watches as his life fades away.
Beta: Kay (Joe)
Genre: Slash
2nd Warning: Character Death
100 Challenges: lover100 – Horatio/Speed
Prompt: #44 - Death
Word Count: 587

~*~

I stood near by as I watched Horatio pleading for me to stay. How could I tell him that this was for the best? I have a dark past. A past I don’t talk about. But one that had crept back into my life and swallowed me whole and threatened him.

The day I lost Robert was the day my life ended. I had tried to join him, but was ‘saved’. Then promptly thrown out of the house for being a pervert and a coward for taking the easy way out.

I’m actually surprised I lived through that year. God really does protect drunks and fools. Robert’s uncle saved me. He showed me that Robert wouldn’t want me to throw my life away. With his help I cleaned up, went back to school, and become a CSI.

Then I met Horatio.

Mama, take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

I fell in love the moment I laid eyes on him. I knew I didn't have a chance, so I buried my emotions and was content with his friendship. I watched from afar as he pined away for Yelina. I really had no idea why she chose that ass over a man like Horatio.

Then the past came back.

How Stetler found out about what happened in New York, I don’t know, but he was determined to use it against Horatio. Use my fucked up past to hurt the man I love. I wouldn’t allow it. There was only one way out for me.

Mama, put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore.
That long black cloud is comin' down
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

It was hard to watch Alexx perform my autopsy. I knew this was hurting her. She was the only woman I ever loved. She treated me as if I were her own son. That meant more to me, than she’ll ever know.

I wanted nothing more than to hold her and tell her it was all right. My pain was finally gone; I was in a better place. I wanted her to take care of the team for me. It was going to hurt them, but it was for the best.

As I turned to leave I saw Horatio walk into the autopsy room. He leaned over my prone body and smoothed back that unruly hair of mine. “I should have told you.”

Told me what? I stopped and watched.

“I love you.” He leaned down and kissed my cold forehead. “I knew Speed.” Horatio looked upwards, tears streaking down his face. “Stetler confronted me. He enjoyed telling me everything, but I already knew. I didn’t care. I told him to take his file and shove it up his ass. ”

I could only stare in shock. My heart shattering – he knew and…

“I should have come to you,” he whispered. “I should have realized you would do anything to protect the lab and my reputation – even by destroying your own. You’re not careless or lazy. That gun was dirty for a reason. And with my silence I might as well have pulled the trigger.”

He turned and stared right at me. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I smiled, turned and walked away.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door

~ The End ~