Title: Forensics 101
Author: Bj Jones - solokid1@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Genre: Parody/Humor
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from CSI, they belong to CBS and Bruckheimer - lucky guy he also owns Jack Sparrow. I'm just borrowing them for a moment, will return them to the lab in a few short hours.
Summary: Grissom and his team have to attend a basic Forensics seminar.
Authors Note: This little plot bunny popped up when my mom called me to complain about a seminar she had to attend at her work. The presenter had no clue about the subject and read directly off the slides. The seminar was for new hires to talk about the history of the company and the products they make. My mother works in training - so she knows the materials and it took every inch of her will power not to slam her head into the desk.


~*~*~*~


"Please tell me this is a joke." Warrick walked into the break room, where the rest of the CSI night crew was discussing the latest memo that came down from Mobley.

"Unless Mobley all of the sudden developed a sense of humor, I think its legit." Nick tossed his copy into the trash and poured himself a cup of coffee then sat down at the table across from Sara.

"Why? It doesn"t make sense." Sara commented leaning back in her chair reading over the document one more time.

"No clue, but sure hell cuts into my time with Lindsey." Catherine complained, not at all happy with the situation.

"Unfortunately we all have to attend, that includes me. I talked to Mobley, it"s just not our team, but also Ecklie"s." Grissom walked into the break room.

"Oh, that makes it so much more insulting," Nick commented.

"Did you find out why?" Catherine asked.

"New regime." Grissom shrugs as he drops the files he was carrying onto the table.

"But a beginning Forensics seminar, now I can understand Ecklie"s group, but us." Warrick"s comment earned a smile from Grissom.

"There"s nothing we can do, be here tomorrow at 11am," ending the conversation.



~11am Conference Room~

Catherine walked into the conference room, to find Nick sitting at the back table with his head down asleep. She walked over, a smile on her face, and nudged him awake.

"Did you even go home?" She sat down next to him.

"Yeah, the DB found at Caesar"s Palace was a foreign dignitary, priority rush, we don"t want to insult his country or anything by not finding his killer." Nick commented his head still resting on table.

"Let me get you some coffee." Catherine stood up.

"It"s still brewing, I just finished off the last pot." Nick sat up and smiled at her.

"Did Grissom go home, or is he still here?" She asked as she walked over to the coffee pot, the aroma enticing her, "this isn"t the departments normal coffee."

"I snitched some of Greg's." Nick grinned, "Grissom's in his office, still trying to get us out of this seminar."

"And, failing miserably," Grissom walked into the room. He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "They want us to process this case yesterday, but won"t let us out of this seminar."

"Why?" Catherine asked.

"Something about the teacher coming all the way from California, and they can"t reschedule." Grissom walked over to the now full pot, "Is that some of Greg's?"

"Yep, make sure we finish off the pot, we wouldn"t want Ecklie"s group to get any now would we."

"Get any of what?" Warrick asked as he walked into the room, finding a seat next to Nick.

"Greg"s coffee," Catherine poured them each a cup. "Sara better hurry up and get here, there"s enough for one more."

"One more of what?" Sara asked as she walked in.

"Coffee?" Catherine handed her cup.

"Ohh, Greg's stash, good job Nick," she followed Catherine to the back table sitting next to Grissom.

"How did you know it was me?"

"Greg"s been complaining that you"ve been snitching his stash, but he has no proof." Sara grinned.

"That's because I"m not stupid enough to leave any evidence behind," Nick grinned back.

The loud voice of Ecklie yelling at his crew could be heard in the conference room even though Ecklie was still down the hall.

"I can"t believe we have to spend four hours with them," Warrick grimaced. "I would rather swim around in the sewers of Vegas."

Ecklie and his crew waltzed into the room. "What are you doing here Grissom? Your team botch up another case?"

"Unlike the day shift we actually solve cases." Grissom didn"t even lift his head from the files he was reading.

"Rachel, get me some coffee." Ecklie ordered one of his team members as he sat down at the front table, turning his back on Grissom.

"Jerk," Warrick commented.

"Chauvinist," Sara glared at the back of Ecklie"s head

"Ass," Catherine added to the long list of insults

"He can here you," Grissom stated.

"You"re point?" Nick asked.

Five minutes later a tall blonde woman walked into the room pushing a cart full of lab equipment, a slide projector, and a stack of papers. She smiled at the group and went to setting up the room. Nick laid his head back down on the table and went to sleep. Once she had set up the slide projector and screen, she then set out a microscope, finger printing kit, and a laptop on the adjoining table. She placed the stacks of paper in order, and then opened her briefcase pulling out some note cards.

She turned towards the group and smiled. "Good Morning, my name is Tiffany Wilson and I work for Cal Tech Incorporation. Which is based in Bimbow, California."

Catherine elbowed Nick to wake him up; he glared at her as he sat up. "Did she say bimbo?" Nick asked.

"Be quiet," Catherine hissed at him.

"I"m here today to show you the basic elements used in forensic science." Tiffany began her seminar.

Warrick leaned back in his chair, shaking his head not believing what he was hearing. He looked over at the rest of the team, who all had similar looks on their faces. They were all CSI level threes and above. All Grissom could do was sit there and gape, it wasn't very often he was caught off guard, but this was just unbelievable.

"But before we start, I know these seminars can be boring, so I find if that if you add a bit of fun to the event it can lighten up things. Will it look like we have two crews here so we will just leave it that way and have two teams. I"ll ask questions through out and for each answer right, the team gets points. At the end there will be a prize, but I"ll keep that a secret until then." She gives everyone a bright smile. "The team in the back will be team number one, and then the ones here in front team number two. Since everyone here was on time each team gets 50 points." Tiffany pulled out two, pieces of paper labeling each one properly. "We can start off with an easy question."

"I can't believe this," Grissom muttered. He raised his hand and called out, "Ma'am""

"Okay, the first question, which is worth ten points." She pulled out her note cards, ignoring Grissom. Grissom just stared at her. "Name the seven dwarfs."

Nick's head slammed into the table with an audible thud, Grissom for once in his life was completely shell shocked, Warrick started laughing, with Catherine joining in, and Sara raised her hand to answer the question, she was never one to let a question go unanswered even if it was stupid.

"Yes, you in the back."

"The Disney dwarfs, or the originals Grimm fairy tales?" Sara asked, taking pleasure at the confused expression on the woman. Nick joined in on the laughing, even if it was muffled by the table.

"Disney."

"Doc, Dopey, Bashful, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Happy. The dwarfs in the Grimm fairy tell didn't have names."

"Really I didn't know that, I'll give you an extra five points. So team number one has sixty five points."

"Way to go Sidle, you can add Disney trivia to your resume." One of Ecklie's men commented.

"Now gentlemen a little healthy competition shouldn"t lead to snide remarks. Plus a well rounded education can help a person get far in this world."

"Really, I never would have thought of that." Ecklie sneered back. To give Tiffany credit she didn't even let the comment rile her.

"Obviously not," Nick whispered to Catherine.

"We will start off on the history of forensic science, and how the advancement of technology as helped solve cases that were impossible to solve a decade ago." She began lecturing, "The first signs of forensic evidence began in the late 1890"s"." *1

The lecture went on for an hour. The information was not new but Tiffany"s flare was fun, by the time they got to the break, the night shift was beating the day shift by a 100 points. If they had to suffer they were going to make sure the day shift was humiliated.

"How about a twenty minute break, and we will get started on the practical. The first team to be back at their table will get 25 points." She smiled.

~Outside the building~

"Tell me this isn"t happening?" Warrick looked at the group.

"I won't," Nick answered.

"At least we are beating Ecklie"s team," Sara shook her head. "Who knew Grissom would know so much about the Disney's A Bug Life."

"It was about bugs," Catherine pointed out.

"True," Sara sat on the curb.

The door slammed open to reveal a very upset Grissom. "We have three open cases, one priority and they are still making us sit through this seminar. I've taught forensics 101 I do not need to be sitting in there wasting my time." He looked up to see the others eyes narrowed at him.

"None of us want to be there, but unfortunately were stuck." Catherine glared at Grissom, "besides we all have more important things to do. I could be home with Lindsey. Nick is working on that priority case with you, while Warrick and Sara worked non-stop the past two days, and need sleep. This isn"t all about you." Grissom just gave her his patented Grissom look, the one no one had figured out what it meant yet.

"The sad thing I saw one of Ecklie"s men actually taking notes." Warrick smiled easing the tension that had developed.

Grissom pinched the top of his nose again. "Only three more hours, and we are back on shift."

"Let's get back in so we can get our 25 points." They all turned to look at Nick. "What?"



~Conference Room~

"Well it looks like team one is the first back, that's 25 points." Tiffany smiled at them as she fiddled with the slide projector. "Now we will just wait till the others get here and begin."

"Ma'am"" Grissom began, but was cut off when Ecklie walked into the room, followed by his team.

"Figures you would actually take the game seriously." Ecklie laughed as he sat down at the table.

"At least my team doesn't need to take notes. Did your team miss the intro course in school or did they just sleep through it? I mean it would explain the lack of solved cases." Grissom commented back.

"Sir, please take your seat." Tiffany smiled at Grissom, breaking up the potential fight.

Grissom turned to her, was about to say something, but just walked over to the table and sat down, "I give up."

"Good boy, just let it go, it will be over soon," Catherine patted his arm.

Tiffany clicked on the slide projector to bring up the first slide, a picture of a blood sample under the microscope.

"This is actually my favorite to start with, since it reminds me of a tadpole."*2 Tiffany smiled then carefully looked at the screen reading the description off the bottom.

Grissom pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stop the headache that was forming.

"The main thing when coming upon a crime scene is not to disturb the evidence."

Sara groaned.

"Do not touch the body, or you will contaminate the scene."

Catherine sighed in frustration.

"Walk in and out the same way, making sure not to leave your footprint on the scene."

Warrick laughed.

"Most important don't touch anything without gloves."

Nick slammed his head into the desk, again. "Hey Ecklie you might want to right this down it's important stuff." Nick's muffled voice filtered over the room.

"Nick," Grissom"s tone warned him to back off.

Tiffany didn't flinch; she was a pro at ignoring insults flying through the air. "My first demonstration is the finger printing kit, now who would like to volunteer." She smiled as she looked around the room. Ecklie's group glared at her, with contempt. She turned and looked towards the back of the room, looking for some support.

"Me, me, I wanna do it." Nick raised his hand jumping up and down. Even Grissom was having a difficult time keeping a neutral face expression. Catherine leaned in towards Sara as the two girls started snickering. Warrick took Nick's cue and slammed his head against the table. Nick just beamed.

"Maybe you will learn how not to leave your fingerprints at the scene of a murdered hooker." One of the day shift sneered.

Nick silently growled, but kept his calm when Catherine put a hand on his upper arm. He walked up to the front, turning his back on the day shift, and smiled at Tiffany, whose eyes were wide with confusion.

"Don't mind them, their just jealous I get to talk to you personally," Nick smiled. Tiffany just smiled and proceeded with the demonstration

They had to give Nick credit for not once interrupting her or the lecture on how to find fingerprint on different surfaces. He even asked questions, to make sure he was doing it right, and when she complimented him on a job will done, he gave her his best smile. She even gave the team five extra points. Nick strutted back to his seat.

"Teachers pet," Warrick sent him a mock glare.

The last hour of the seminar was explaining how to collect samples from a crime scene. To make the lecture more fun, Tiffany set up two stations, and called up Grissom and Ecklie to sort through various elements that could be found at a crime scene. She challenged the find as many elements as they could and identify them. They would get points for each correct answer, and extra points for who had the most when time was up. It was the first time all day they saw Grissom grin Ecklie didn"t stand a chance.



By the end of the seminar the night shift had earned over 200 points, winning the grand prize.

"I can't believe we won a tour of the crime lab." Sara leaned up against the hallway wall laughing.

"You know it was almost as if she didn"t know we were CSI," Nick commented.

Brass walked up to the small group with a serious expression. "There has been a shooting at the Luxor, four confirmed dead."

"We're on it," Grissom nodded to his team. They left to do their jobs.

Tiffany walked up to Brass, smiling. "Thank God that's over with."

"It couldn"t have been that bad," Brass turned towards the young woman.

"Yeah, it can. I can't wait till tomorrow when I can talk with professionals. I mean Gil Grissom is the top of his field and getting him to look over new technology and equipment is a thrill."

"Ma'am that was Gil Grissom, and his team."

Tiffany looked past Brass towards the group she just lectured on basic Forensic Science; they were all wearing CSI jackets caring kits. "Oh shit."

Then she started laughing. "Talk about a miscommunication I was supposed to be lecturing rookie cops on how to secure a crime scene, instead I just lectured the best CSI Crime Lab in the country how to fingerprint."

Brass laughed.


~*~*~*~*~*~


Author's note: The characters might be a bit off character - I was going for parody, poetic licensing. I didn't not research the history of Forensic Science, so *1 was off the cuff - coming from me watching the Peacemaker on TNT - supposedly a western sheriff rely on the beginnings of forensic science. *2 actually happened" that was how the lecture started in my mom's seminar. When she told me that one line - the story had to be written.

I hope you enjoyed or at least smiled at its stupidity"