Title: Forensics 102
Author: Bj Jones - solokid1@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Genre: Parody/Humor
Disclaimer: I don"t own the characters from CSI, they belong to CBS and Bruckheimer - lucky guy he also owns Jack Sparrow. I'm just borrowing them for a moment, will return them to the lab in a few short hours.
Summary: Forensic seminar? I thought this was cleared up?
Authors Note: This little plot bunny popped up when my mom called me to complain about a seminar she had to attend at her work. After writing the first one"someone suggest a second chapter" the bunny bit again and a series was born.


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"Tell me this isn't happening again?" Warrick slammed the memo down onto the table.

"I won't," Nick was sitting on the couch, sipping his coffee.

"I thought Grissom cleared this up?" Sara asked.

"He did," Catherine answered. "But it seems this time it isn"t a miscommunication between him and Mobley, more of a HR issue."

"You know it was a good laugh the first time around. I mean between Grissom and Mobley assuming the other was talking about a different seminar, and the event coordinator mixing up the class lists. But this is ridiculous." Warrick commented, "How in the hell did we get stuck going to Forensics 102 class?"

"That is what Grissom is trying to find out, as we speak." Catherine commented.

"Can some please explain to me, the reason for an HR department?" Grissom asked walking into the room.

"I don"t like that look," Sara grimaced.

"I take it, things didn't go our way?" Nick asked.

"Miss Wilkinson has made it quiet clear that this is policy. Every one is supposed to take these classes to better handle a crime scene. To make sure there are no screw-ups in court over collected evidence. No one is exempt. And I quote "If we made an exception for you, then we would have to do it for everyone." She just didn"t quiet grasp that we are the ones with an education and background in the damn field. As a matter of fact she demanded that I force my crew to go, or she will be write me up, and then she had the never to hang up on me. To top off my day, her supervisor is out on maternity leave, won"t be back for another two weeks. Mobley won"t do anything, and Brass is laughing to hard to help." Grissom was livid.

"I guess that means, we will be at police warehouse number nine this afternoon." Nick stood up and walked over to the sink pouring out his coffee. "If there is nothing we can do we might as well just get it over with. We can look on the bright side."

"And that would be?" Sara asked sarcastically.

"Maybe Tiffany is teaching the class, she was cute." Nick flashed them a smile and headed out the break room.

"The poor girl, she worked so hard to make that class informative to rookie cops and then to find out we were CSI, she was mortified." Catherine shook her head as she stood up. "If it is her, at least it won't be that bad. She knows who we are, and will probably just sign our forms and let us go."

"Well let"s hope its Miss Wilson. I"ve been reading up on her companies new lap equipment, I would like to learn more about them." Grissom commented. "Make sure everyone is on time. Last thing we need is to be late, and Miss Wilkinson has another fit."



~Police Warehouse #9~

Nick and Sara were the first to arrive at the warehouse. They walked in to see a staged crime scene, with two tables sitting in front of it, chairs behind each one. The "crime scene" was located in a mock living room, with the body sprawled out. There were traces of blood by the head, and a blood trail leading towards the back of the mock living room. Both CSI"s were formulating scenarios in their heads, when a man in his earlier thirties stepped forward to greet them.

"You"re early. My name is Tad Ashley, I'll be your instructor for the afternoon."

"There went your bright side," Sara commented towards Nick.

"We just have to wait for the rest to come, and we will get started." Tad smiled and headed back towards the "crime scene".

Gil, Catherine and Warrick entered a few minutes later. Grissom looked over at the "crime scene" and the make shift classroom. Nick and Sara were both sitting at one of the tables in the front. A young man approached them smiling.

"There goes the easy way out," Catherine commented.

"Excuse me, sir?" Grissom stepped forward. "There"s been..."

"I'm glad everyone is here, the sooner we get started on the basics, the sooner we can have some fun investigating." He shook Grissom"s hand smiling. "I'm Tad Ashley your instructor, please take a seat."

He turned leaving a gaping Grissom. "What is with these people, do they not listen?"

"Gil, give up." Catherine walked over to the desk taking a seat next to Nick. Warrick and Gil sat behind them.

"Well its only us five, it seems the other group that was supposed to be here became ill."

"Hell, why didn't we think of that?" Sara asked no one in particular.

"Look on the bright side..."

"We are a little tired of your bright sides Nick," Warrick warned.

"No Ecklie," Nick didn't miss a beat.

"Okay, we will give you that one," Catherine smiled.

"According to your HR, you've taken Forensic 101, good we can just review and discuss standard procedures on collecting data from a crime scene." Tad began his lecture.

"Mr. Ashley, we really don"t need to go over standard procedures"" Grissom tried once again to explain.

"I know you think you will never have to know this, but it"s always good to be prepared." Tad cut him off mid sentence. His dealings with these classes were to just ignore the protest and continue on, there was always one in the group who thought they knew everything. "Now I find I learn more things, when the classroom is less formal. So to break up the class a bit, I will randomly ask questions, kind of like a trivia game." Nicks head just slammed into the table, a slight groan was heard. "Since the other group couldn"t be here, we don't have enough for teams, so instead it will be individual." Nick popped his head back up and sent a challenging grin to Sara, who grinned right back.

Warrick just started snickering. Gil pulled out a file and decided to get caught up on some paperwork. Catherine shifted away from the other two CSI's; as a matter of fact she got up and sat next to Warrick.

"First question, name the six colors of m&m's?" Tad grinned, "The person who gets the correct answer, gets a bag." 1*

Nick raised his hand, grinning at Sara. "Red, yellow, green, orange, light brown, blue. Even though it was only recently they brought back red, since it was originally taken out due to hazard materials in the red dye. The blue m&m replaced the standard dark brown or black m&m a few years back."

"Wow, for that answer how about two packs." Tad tossed two packs of m&ms towards Nick. "And five points."

"You would know that," Sara commented. Nick just smiled, offering her some candy.

"Now lets go over the basic elements of Forensic as a refresher from your last class." Tad started his summary over the basic do and don"ts on a crime scene.

Catherine and Warrick began betting who would get what questions right, while Grissom ignored everyone reading his reports. Nick and Sara were in steep competition answering all of the trivia questions. So far the two were tied. Catherine looked over at Grissom who was snickering a bit when the two got into an argument over the name of the Prince in Snow White.

"He doesn't have a name," Nick answered.

"Yes, he does, its Prince Charming," Sara argued.

"No, Prince Charming is Cinderella"s prince. Snow White"s prince is just labeled The Prince, while Sleeping Beauty"s prince was the first one to actually have a name, and it was Prince Philip."

"And how the hell would you know that?" Warrick asked from the back.

"I have five sisters, all older than me, lets not forget at least ten nieces and every time I go home for the holidays I'm besieged by all ten of them, and they make sure I know every detail, line, word of the Disney Princess movie. If you want I can list out the latest Prince's; except technically Aladdin wasn't a prince, but a street rat."

"Please don't," Gil answered.

"He"s right," Tad commented. The CSI nightshift looked up at their instructor, "I have three daughters, each with their favorite Disney princess."

Nick grinned at Sara, "that puts me ahead by ten points." Sara gave him her patented death glare he just smiled.

"After the break, we will put some gloves in and try to figure out what happened to our victim." Tad turned off the slide projector and cleaned up his papers around the desk. As he began working on the finishing touches up on the "crime scene" the others decided to get some fresh air.

"I can't believe you two." Catherine snickered at Nick and Sara. "And how the hell do you know so much about poetry?" She eyed Nick.

"Hello, do I need to remind you, five sisters, all romantics," Nick drawled.

"So Nick, who"s your favorite Disney Princess?" Warrick smiled at the Texan.

"I would have to say Belle, reads a lot of books, sees through the guys rough exterior, hold her own with egotistical jerks, yeah she's the one." Nick smile just got larger, even Grissom couldn"t hold back the grin.

"I think I know more about you than I really wanted." Sara laughed.

"Oh come on Sara, there"s a Disney Princess or Prince out there for everyone," Nick said. "I bet even Grissom has a favorite."

All eyes turned to Grissom, who looked up with a quizzical impression. "I liked Antz."

"That was DreamWorks," Catherine pointed out.

"There's a difference?" Grissom asked.

"Yes, Disney has cute fluffy creatures, and princess. DreamWorks has Ogres that tease and torment said cute fluffy creatures." Warrick pointed out.

"And what exactly does this have to do with Forensic 102?" Grissom asked.

"Absolutely nothing," Nick answered.

Tad stepped outside signaling the group to come back inside the warehouse.

"Okay everyone please gather around the crime scene. Sir, that means you also." Tad motioned for Grissom to come forward. Grissom sighed but down his reports and stood next to Catherine, who was snickering. "First everyone put on gloves, basic element I can"t stress enough always wear gloves. Ladies first, I want you two to sweep the scene remember to keep your footprints to a minimum. What do you see?"

Sara rolled her eyes at Catherine, who just shrugged and said, "a dead guy."

Nick having no table to slam his head on and laugh used Warrick"s shoulder instead. Warrick himself was shaking from repressed laughter.

"Well yeah, true, but anything strike you as odd?" Tad took a deep breath to calm himself.

"He's dead," Catherine said with a straight face. Sara turned away from the scene to hide her smile. Nick and Warrick were hopelessly failing at hiding their laughter. "Fine, there's little blood, and his head is at an awkward angle."

"Good, miss, what about you, anything about the scene itself?"

Sara turned schooling her features, and gave the scene a critical eye. "No sign of struggle."

"How about the guys?" Tad turned to the three men; Nick straightened up his shoulders wiping the tear out of his eyes. Warrick gave the poor guy an encouraging smile, while Grissom just looked at him.

The warehouse door opened, a blinding light piercing the darkness. Grissom blinked as his eyes adjusted, Brass motioned for him. Grissom excused himself from the group to talk to Brass.

Tad turned towards Warrick, "how about you take a look around see if you can find anything to lead to the identity of the killer."

"Good luck man," Nick slapped Warrick on the back. Warrick leaned over the body carefully searching for any clues.

"Can I have some tweezers?" Warrick"s held out his hand.

"Did you find something?" Tad asked excitedly.

"I think so," Warrick picked up a long piece of blonde hair. He looked up at Catherine winked, then asked. "Do you think it's a hair?"

Sara turned and walked off the scene trying to choke back her laughter, which now sounded more like a coughing fit. Catherine cocked her head and eyed the piece. " Could be, we would have to have someone analyze it."

Nick closed his eyes calming his breathing, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Grissom leaned in and whispered something in his ear, and then turned to the instructor "We are sorry, but something's come up and we have to go. Please feel free to carry on, I'm sure they will gladly tell us all about it later."

"Damn right we will tell you all about it later," Catherine glared at the two retreating men.

Grissom turned and smiled at Catherine, "lets not split hairs over this shall we." Nick followed Grissom out the door.

"That is so not fair," Sara glared at the now closed door.

An hour later, the three had collected all the evidence from the crime scene. Tad smiled at the small group as they sat back at their desks.

"Now if this was a real crime scene, and real CSI officers." Tad was oblivious to the glares he was getting from his three students. "The next step would to take everything to the lab and have it analyzed. That's when the detective work begins..." Tad was interrupted when his phone rang. He smiled sheepishly and answered, "Hello. Yeah, I'm conducting a class now really, that would be great. Be there in a few." He hung up the phone, "Well I've got good news, that was a detective Brass he informed me that HR as agreed to let me take you three to a real crime scene to show theory in application. To bad the others had to leave."

Catherine looked over at Warrick and Sara, both grinning. "This should be fun."

~Small road outside of town~

Tad pulled up just outside the crime scene. The area was corned off from the main highway, with cops stopping the small amount of traffic along the highway. Tad smiled at his three students and got out of the car in search of Detective Brass. Catherine looked over towards the crime scene to see Nick taking pictures of the side of the road. Grissom was investigating the body. Tad came back with Brass, who grinned at the three.

"This is Detective Brass, he will escort us to the scene"" No one knows for sure what Tad was going to say, when Grissom walked up to the group.

"Hey Catherine, glad you're here I need you to look at something for me." Grissom smiled at Tad. "Warrick, Sara, Nick needs some help canvassing the road."

Tad looked at the group as they started heading off to do their jobs. He sighed as hw leaned up against his car and then started laughing. "What the hell is up with your HR department? I mean how the hell do they screw this up twice?"

Brass just smiled at the distressed teacher. "Tad this is Gil Grissom, Gil I think you've met Tad Ashley."

"We've met," Grissom looked at the young man.

"I"m so sorry Mr. Grissom. I didn't believe Tiffany when she told me they screwed up her schedule. I teased her about not knowing you guys weren't rookies, and here I am making the same mistaking."

"Mr. Ashley?"

"Yes?" He looked up at Grissom, humiliation across his face.

"Is there a Forensics 103 class we should know about?" Grissom asked with a straight face.

Tad shook his head laughing, "No, but if for some reason they come up with one, I have a feeling you will find out."

"I hope not."

Brass just laughed.


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END


*1 - that was another one of the questions my mom got at her seminar.

Forensic 103 - I think Greg might feel a bit left out.