Title: Forensics 103
Author: Bj Jones - solokid1@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Genre: Parody/Humor
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from CSI, they belong to CBS and Bruckheimer - lucky guy he also owns Jack Sparrow. I"m just borrowing them for a moment, will return them to the lab in a few short hours.
Summary: Basic Lab? You've got to be kidding.
Authors Note: Well this is third in the series - Poor Greg just felt left out of all the fun.
Archive: Sure go ahead - actually if you want the whole series let me know - just tell me where it is at.



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"Don't even say it," Nick answered Warrick before he could even open his mouth.

"What the hell is this?" Warrick ignored Nick"s comment as he stalked into the break room. "The first time was funny, the second annoying but humorous, but this is just plane lunacy," his normal calm demeanor slipping.

"Grissom, is already on the phone," Catherine added as she walked towards the coffee pot. Looking at the thick black sludge, she decided to forget the coffee, and sat down at the table.

"It's a joke right?" Sara looked around at the others.

"God, I hope so," Nick leaned his head back against the couch. It had already been a bad week, a triple homicide, little evidence, each leading to a dead end. He, along with Grissom and Sara, had been working non-stop or at least it seemed endless. He didn't even know what time, for that matter day, it was anymore. Then the new memo came in, "Basic Forensic - The Lab".

"This isn't funny," Greg"s voice filtered into the room.

Everyone turned and looked at the normally hyperactive lab rat, standing in the doorway looking tired, haggard and not smiling.

"What are you talking about?" Sara asked.

"This" he held up the now infamous memo. Nick stood up and ripped it out of Greg's hands ignoring the complaining lab tech. "it's not funny."

"You got one?" Catherine stood up to look at the memo in Nick's hand.

"According to this, Greggo here gets to attend with us." Nick actually grinned; sometimes fate just had a sick sense of humor. He threw the memo onto the table as he sat across from Sara, Catherine taking the seat next to him.

"What?" Warrick looked between Greg and Nick. "How?"

"Either HR really screwed up, or they"re making the lab techs take the same course." Sara speculated, a look of concentration on her face.

"I really don't have time for this"" Greg walked over to the coffee pot, stopped when he noticed the black goo. "Is Grissom conducting an experiment or did day shift make the coffee last?"

"I will make it a goal in my life to make sure Miss Wilkinson is terminated from her job." Grissom"s normally calm voice was now irritated and bordered contempt. "Not only has she decided that a third class should be added, she felt the lab tech"s should also be "informed". In the mean time my CSI's are not processing scenes, and my lab tech's aren't processing evidence. When I mentioned this, and I quote, "that's your problem"."

Grissom looked up to see five shocked faces looking at him, "What, I'm aloud to vent every few years, it is in my contract."

Nick's head hit the table, laughter bubbling out, and slowly reaching hysteria. It had been a really long week.

"Nick, breath," Catherine rubbed his back as he chocked in gulps of air.

"Sorry," Nick got his breathing calmed, a snicker escaping every once in a while.

"Well it looks like I'm taking the class with you guys." Greg grinned, at his boss.

Grissom"s eyebrows rose, and then looked over to Catherine for verification. She held up the memo, showing the date and time for the class, it was the same as there's. Grissom shook his head, muttering under his breath. "The class is in three days, lets hope things die down a bit. Catherine, Warrick what"s the status on your case?"



~Conference Room - three days later~

Catherine walked into the familiar conference with a sigh. It was deja vu all over again. Nick sat at the back table head on the desk asleep. She looked over to the coffee pot, a fresh aroma filled the room, it was one of Greg's stash. She quietly walked over to Nick a smile on her face, nudging him slightly she watched as sleepy brown eyes tried to focus on her.

"Good afternoon," Catherine smiled. "Have you gone home?"

"No, we wrapped the case early this morning. I had to finish cataloging the last of the evidence to be sent to the DA, later. Sara crashed on the couch, I'm not sure where Grissom is." Nick sat up cracking his back as he went. "I take it Greg"s been in here."

"I thought you put it on?" Catherine walked over to the pot, pouring her and Nick a cup. She set the cup in front of him; he sent her a grateful smile.

"No, I crashed in here a few hours ago." Nick sipped the coffee, trying to wake up.

"Yeah, he was sleeping like a baby, didn"t have the heart to wake him," Greg walked in back to his usually hyperactive self. "So how bad is this seminar going to be?"

Nick and Catherine looked at each other then at Greg, "how's your trivia skills?" Nick smiled. "It"s the only good thing."

"Well at least the questions are fun and easy," Sara yawned as she came in. Her eyes lit up seeing fresh coffee. She grabbed a cup and sat next to Catherine. "So Nick ready to lose?"

"In your dreams Sidle, just a reminder I was ahead last time, but got called out into the field." Nick grinned.

"Still haven't forgiven you for that," Sara glared back.

Warrick walked in a few minutes later, refreshed and awake. "Did you guys get any sleep?"

"A few hours," Sara answered.

The five had settled between two tables Sara and Catherine at one, Nick, Warrick and Greg at the other. They were battering back and forth when the instructor came in. She had the typical power suit on, hair pulled back in a tight bun and a stern look on her face.

"Oh my God it's my old Chemistry teacher." Greg whispered in horror. "You told me the last girl was cute." He sent a mock glare towards Nick.

"I can hear you, Mister?" The woman"s sharp tone echoed through the room, startling everyone.

"Sanders," Greg stiffened in his chair looking straight ahead. It was like he was back in high school.

"Well Mr. Sanders I don"t appreciate a running commentary while I"m conducting a seminar." She turned briskly and headed out into the hall.

Everyone looked stunned. "Damn, I've got a bad feeling about this." Warrick turned to the others.

"Thanks, for the insight, Master Windu." Greg sarcastically commented, causing Nick to snicker, getting worse as Warrick reached across him to get to Greg.

"Boys!" All three stopped and looked forward. "Are we in kindergarten?"

"No, Ma'am." Nick"s accent came to the forefront.

"Good." She began sitting up lap equipment on the front table. She took out her notes and stepped behind the podium. She looked around; her lips pursed together eyebrows furrowed. "Who are we missing?"

Just then Grissom walked into the door caring a stack of files. He stopped at the sight of his team sitting straight in their chairs looking forward. He turned to see the instructor staring at him, a frown on her face. He actually took a step back.

"I expect my students to be on time." Her tone was ice.

"I'm not one of your students, nor do I want to be here."

"Well life isn't fair, take a sight next to the two woman in the back." She turned her back on him, ending the conversation. Grissom"s eyes narrowed, Catherine motioned for him to shut up and sit down.

"Unfortunately, my company as a policy to keep these seminars light, so during the course of the seminar I'll be asking some trivia questions. The team with the most points will get a prize." Her voice seemed irritated at having to conduct such trivial pursuits. "The first question of the day. Name the one state in the Confederacy that didn't have a Union regiment?"

Complete blank looks. Sara looked over at Catherine, who shrugged. Then both turned to Grissom. He looked not to be bothered. The two girls lifted their heads to look at the three boys. Greg was looking at Nick.

"What? Just because I'm from Texas doesn't make me a Confederate." His accent even more pronounced.

"South Carolina," Warrick answered. Everyone looked at him. "I watched the Ken Burns miniseries."

"That will be five points for team one." She clicked on the slide projector to show a picture of a laboratory, and with this she began her lecture. "We will go over the most basic procedures for a lab. We will discuss protocol, how one should act in a lab, it isn't a play room." Greg ignored everyone's stares. He silently cursed as Nick and Warrick snickered next to him. "The importance of proper procedures, that will keep the lab safe from having accidents. Then after the break I will show you some of the elementary lab equipment, and their uses." With each sentence another slide was projected onto the screen, the last one showing a microscope. Greg almost cried it was hell.

"Let's start off with protocol, how to act in a lab." A slide projected a rule list of do"s and don"ts. "First on the list respect the work place. Keep outside noise to a minimum. As much as music maybe soothing, Marylyn Manson is not appropriate for a lab."

Greg's eyes went wild, he swore she looked straight at him, or was it Grissom. "As mentioned before the lab is not a playroom. There should be no goofing around, no playing, it is serious work, and should be respected." Greg kept sending glares at his two teammates; their snickering was getting on his nerves.

"Gentlemen, what do you find so amusing?" She turned to look at Nick and Warrick, both sobering up fast.

Nick flashed her a megawatt smile, "sorry, it was just an old personal joke."

"Well keep it old and personal." She snapped at them. "Now for another question. Which state has had five different countries control them?"

Silence, answered the question. Nick could have sworn he heard a cricket chirping down the hall. "Mississippi," Catherine answered, shocking everyone. "Lindsey had a school project. The Spanish, French, British, America, and Confederacy all at one point controlled Mississippi."

"I will give you ten points, for naming the five countries," the instructor nodded towards Catherine.

She then proceeded to lecture about procedures, ethics, cleanliness, safety, and protocol. Every once in a while stopping for trivia questions, none of them easy to answer. Nick was able to name off the state birds, Grissom listed the first fifteen presidents of the United States, and Sara was able to come up with the treaty that ended the War of 1812. By the time the arrived back from break, Greg was annoyed for not getting any trivia right, and irritated that the seminar was extremely pointless. He was bored out of his mind. Then all hell broke loose.

"Sir, you need to pay attention to the seminar not work on reports." The instructor had seemed to finally have enough of Grissom ignoring her.

"Well Ma'am considering this is a pointless exercise, I figured I would actually get some work done." Grissom snapped back, his eyes dark and dangerous.

"Well then you can just leave, and expect a phone call from your HR department. It's mandatory that everyone takes these courses, no one is exempt." She sneered at him as he got up from the table, grabbing his reports.

"Oh stick your mandatory courses up HR's ass." Grissom stormed out slamming the door behind him.

"Well, I never." She took out her pen and wrote furiously on her notepad.

Greg's eyes were wide as she looked around the room at the stunned expressions. "Any one else want to object to this class?"

They all looked at each other, then at Sara, expecting her to storm after Grissom. She seemed shell shocked and not moving.

"Less, move on to the practical side of the seminar." She stepped out from behind the podium to the front table, which held a microscope. "This is a microscope, one of the most used pieces of equipment. Mr. Sanders would you please come up here to help demonstrate how one works."

Greg looked like a deer caught in headlights. She wanted to teach him how to use a microscope, him the lab rat. He made his way to the table, trying not to set her off. She threw Grissom out; she probably could chew and spit him out in a second. He stood there as she explained the basic uses, and how to use a microscope. Greg closed his eyes and tried hard not to role them. He was intent on not responding that he didn't hear her ask him a question.

"Sorry, excuse me?" He smiled sweetly hoping he hadn't pissed her off.

"Before I let you near the equipment, did you understand what I just said?" She asked sternly.

"Yes, ma'am." Greg nodded smiling.

"That's good, but before we start one more trivia question, and Mr. Sanders since everyone as answered except you, this one is yours." Greg swallowed. "What holiday celebrates humor by playing practical jokes?"

Greg looked confused for a moment, and then answered, "April Fools Day." Then it hit him it was April 1st. He turned towards the team, who were now all laughing. Grissom was standing in the doorway grinning, Brass behind him.

Greg blushed, "you set me up!" He glared at the group, settling on the laughing Nick.

"Don't look at me, Greggo. The course was for real, we were just lucky to find out, who our instructor was."

Greg turned towards the instructor, who was smiling, "Hi, I'm Tiffany."

"The Forensics 101 instructor?" Greg asked.

"I teach all classes associating with any type of lab equipment. When I was called back out her to teach a beginning lab course, I called Mr. Grissom to verify if the list I had was correct."

"I got her call, and a planned formed in my mind." Grissom walked into the room. "Just think of this as revenge for all the heavy metal music, monster hats, and torment you have put us through over the years."

"Your look was classic when she yelled at you at the beginning," Sara smiled at him.

"Let alone the trivia questions," Catherine smiled.

"Let's not forget the lecture on inappropriate behavior in the lab," Nick was still laughing.

"Or the fear in his eyes when Tiffany threw Grissom out," Warrick leaned forward on the desk, grinning at Greg.

"The best part of it all," Grissom smiled at Greg, who looked at him with a kin of fear in his eyes. "We have it all on tape."

Brass laughed, as Greg fainted dead away.


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Authors Note: Okay I think that's it. I don't think I can come up with a Forensic 104. Who knows I think Greg will be seeking revenge in the future.