Title: Forgiveness
Author: podga
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: CSI and its characters do not belong to me. I write and post for fun only.
Summary: Warrick is dead and as Grissom re-evaluates his life, he leaves Nick.
Suggested by: angus_honey

The real surprise would have been if they’d never met again, Nick thinks, when he finally recognizes Gil. How long has it been? Nine years? Maybe ten? Time hasn’t been kind to Gil. His hair is completely white, and he’s put on a lot of weight. Even his eyes are different, tired and dull.

“I know you were both in Las Vegas, but I’m not sure of the timing. Did the two of you ever cross paths?” Joseph asks a little too heartily, obviously sensing the reserve between his two guests.

“More than cross paths,” Nick answers, more out of a sense of obligation towards their host than because he has any desire to acknowledge a shared history with Gil. “Grissom was my boss for almost a decade.” He extends his hand to shake Gil’s. “How’ve you been?”

“Good. And you?”

“Can’t complain,” Nick drawls.

Joseph looks from one to the other uncertainly.

“I’m going to get a drink from the bar. Can I get either of you anything?”

Gil shakes his head.

“I’ll come with you,” Nick tells Joseph, and turns his back on Gil.

He manages to avoid Gil for the rest of the evening, and for the entire following day. It’s not until the morning of the second day that they find themselves arriving at breakfast at almost the same time and being seated by the hostess together at one of the tables assigned to the conference attendees.

“I understand you’re back in Dallas and running the crime lab there,” Gil says after a while. “Congratulations.”

Much as he’d like to, Nick can’t bring himself to completely ignore Gil’s attempt at a civilized conversation.

“Thank you. How about you? Last I heard, you were teaching somewhere in Europe.”

“That was a while back,” Gil says. “I still do some consulting with labs across the country, but basically I’m retired.”

“What, already?”

Gil shrugs, but doesn’t elaborate.

How many times did they eat breakfast together over the years? With the team first, then just the two of them, moving from diner to diner in a series of impromptu dates, then finally sharing the same home. Nick determinedly pushes the memory aside.

“I’m sorry, Nick,” Gil says suddenly.

Nick carefully puts his fork down, then wipes his mouth with his napkin.

“The years haven’t made you any wiser, have they, Gil? You still have no clue when to just keep your mouth shut around me.”

Gil flinches a little, but stands his ground.

“I should have said it years ago.”

“Yeah, well, you did. Over and over and over again. So forget it. I know I have.”

“You still can’t lie worth a damn,” Gil says.

“What do you want to hear, Gil? That I forgave you? That I lived happily ever after? You didn’t care then, and it’s a little late in the day to care now.”

“Did you? Live happily ever after?”

“Sure. Eventually.”

Nick stirs his cooling coffee. Let it go. Let it go.

“I wasn’t the one you were in love with, was I? It was Warrick, all along. Only Warrick didn’t bat for our team, so you settled for me.” He’s pleased at how normal his voice sounds.

“It was always you, Nick. Once I met you, it was always you. But when Warrick died in my arms…”

He pauses and shrugs.

“The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break,” he says after a while.

“Shakespeare?” Nick guesses and Gil nods with a faint smile.

“Macbeth. Maybe my heart was already ‘o’er-fraught’ before Warrick’s death, but afterwards I felt I just couldn’t cope any more, no matter how hard I tried. All I could think of is that I needed to get away, to vanish.”

He looks away.

“I guess I went crazy for a while. It’s no excuse, it’s not even a satisfactory explanation, and I know it doesn’t matter to you any more, but I just want you to know that I loved you and that I truly am sorry.”

Nick spent years being angry at Gil. Even after he met Charlie and fell in love again, he couldn’t quite put aside the bitter memories and the sense of betrayal, couldn’t convince himself to no longer care, and to leave the past in the past, where it belonged.

He looks at Gil and he wonders what the last ten years would have been like if Warrick hadn’t died, or if Gil had managed to give voice to his anguish, to share it with Nick. Nick realizes that, in the end, the only thing he needs to forgive Gil for is for being himself, and that it’s not such a hard thing to do.