Title: Four Things Nick Would Like To Forget And One Thing He Doesn’t
By: Clockstopper
Word Count: 2,297
Rating: PG-13
Summary: I think the title kind of explains it all.
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for Overload, Who Are You?, Grave Danger, Fannysmackin', and Fallen Idols although all are pretty vague. Some violence and non-con overtones.
Author's Notes: Though most of this is about Nick, it does turn Nick/Greg in the end. Story inspired by a line Nick said.

1. The night his parents left him alone with that babysitter.

He hadn’t known her. She hadn’t been Mrs. Forrest, the nice old lady that usually watched Nick. She would always make him peanut butter cookies and would help him with his homework. She had been an English professor back in the day, but her husband had loved science and had told her things about chemistry and biology and everything she had been taught, she had taught to Nick.

But Mrs. Forrest’s children had wanted her close to them and she had had to move, leaving Nick’s parents without a babysitter for Nick.

So they’d hired some girl, some girl who lived across the street that Nick hadn’t even known. She had just moved there with her family and she had seemed normal, nice and pretty and she had said all the right things to his parents before they had left for yet another dinner with his father’s law firm.

Years latter, when he’d be slightly aggressive women, the feelings and memories would come back to him. Petite hands touching him everywhere and lips on his body as he tried to pull away from her, cried out that he didn’t want this, that she needed to stop. She hadn’t listened to him, refused to listen because she had claimed Nick had wanted it.

He sees it in the eyes of kids, victims to the same thing. Sees that look in their eyes that he knows from experience isn’t going to go away, no matter how much time has passed. He knows it’ll always be a scar that they’ll carry around, even if they try and hide it.

Just like he does.

He knows it makes him sympathetic to them. He’s told Catherine that it’s the kind of thing that makes a person, the kind of thing that shapes a person into becoming who they are and he means that, but he’s always gonna wonder who he would have turned into if it hadn’t happened to him, if he could have convinced himself that it hadn’t happened.

But Nick’s never been able to do that, no matter how hard he tries.

2. The first time he had a gun aimed at him.

It hadn’t been during the Fay Green case, though that had been a bit unexpected.

It had been in Dallas, when he’d been a cop and he’d had almost a good year under his belt. He’d been paired up with a good guy, a man named Carl Aberly.

Carl had had a wife and kids and years under his belt. They’d paired Nick up with him because Nick had been a rookie and Carl had experience. Had had all the know how and had been willing to teach Nick a thing or two about being a good cop.

Nick had been eager to learn, eager to absorb whatever knowledge Carl had wanted to impart on him. He had tried to be the best, had tried to prove that just because he came from a family of lawyers who were considered on the wrong side of the law, Nick could hack it as a cop.

Carl had said he’d been good, if a bit green, wet behind the ears had been Carl’s exact words and Nick had just laughed and said he’d try and work on it.

It had during something as routine as a traffic stop, driving around until they caught someone speeding and Carl had joked about the day getting interesting.

Little did he know that it would be his last.

The guy had been aiming at Nick, he’d been ready to pull the trigger at Nick and Nick had been too stupid to shoot first. Had tried to negotiate, but he had been taking his cues from Carl. Had been listening to Carl try and talk the guy down, begging him to put the gun away.

But he hadn’t and, in an effort to save his partner, Carl had pushed Nick out of the way and had taken the bullet instead.

Nick can still remember what it felt like to hold his dying partner in his arms, the guy screaming and yelling about he was so beyond screwed, but Nick hadn’t heard any of it, not really anyway.

Instead he’d disarmed the guy, it hadn’t been hard considering the guy had been freaking out about shooting a cop. Nick had put him in cuffs and had thrown him into the back of their car before radioing for back up and an ambulance and officer down, repeat, officer down.

Nick had rushed back to Carl, had held Carl’s hand and put pressure on the wound and had listened as Carl told Nick to tell his wife and kids that he loved them and all the while Nick had tried really hard not to throw up.

He remember Carl coughing, blood spurting out of his mouth and onto his already too pale skin and he remember the ambulance whirring and police cars not far behind. He remembers being ushered out of the way by paramedics and the sound of crash cart beeping flat line. He remembers the paramedics calling it right there and then, Carl having been dead for several minutes and the blood had stopped flowing since.

Nick remembers throwing up after that. Remembers the hands on his back pulling him back, telling him it happened and Nick remembers yelling tell that to his wife and kids.

Nick had still been a cop after that, but it hadn’t been longer before he had started trying to become a CSI thinking he’d be safer.

Boy had he been wrong.

3. The box.

All of it. He wants to forget all of it.

Wants to forget the hours that he spent in it alternately thinking he was going to die and thinking that they’d find him, that they had to find him.

The hours that light kept coming on and turning off and he had hated it, hated how bright it had burned on him and he had t just shot it. It had been the only thing he could control during the whole scenario.

He wants to forget waking up in the box, those first few minutes of disorientation where he had thought for sure that he was either dead or going to die really soon. He wants to forget how sick that had made him feel, how he had had to swallow the bile threatening to come out of his mouth because he hadn’t wanted to get it all over himself.

He wants to forget those moments when they’d found him, when the dirt had been removed and he could see bright lights and familiar faces, but they hadn’t gotten him out. How he’d had to wait and how those few minutes had felt longer than the whole time he’d been in the box because he had been so close, could practically smell the fresh air and he wants to forget it.

Wants to forget just how close he’d come to pulling the trigger, to ending his life leaving that one quick message to say goodbye to everyone when it couldn’t have possibly been enough.

He just wants to wipe the whole thing clean from his memory.

4. The phone call from Grissom.

Processing the crime scene comes in as a close second, but the first thing that tipped Nick over the edge had been that call.

That tense call from Grissom as he curtly stated that Greg had been attacked, that it had been pretty bad and that it had been connected to the whole crime spree they’d been investigating.

Little emotion and Nick had wanted to scream at Grissom, ask him why Greg had been allowed to go to a scene alone when it had taken Grissom years to trust Nick with such a task. Wanted to scream that Grissom should have been more careful, that even for the smallest crime scenes, it was always better to send two people.

He hadn’t yelled at Grissom though. He’d just listened as Grissom had explained that Greg had been shipped off to the hospital, listed in stable condition and that Nick had been needed at the crime scene, the undercurrent of ‘you need to remain professional about this no matter what’ seeping through in Grissom’s voice, unspoken and solid.

Later, he’ll get angry, extremely angry and he’ll punch someone bystander— who will actually turn out to be the ringleader of the kids that beat up Greg— and Warrick will question his sanity.

He’ll listen as Warrick calmly points out that some of Greg’s hair when he finds it on the ground. He’ll stay calm even though and do his job even though he wants to go to the hospital, just to look at Greg if nothing else and he’ll hold Greg’s hand as Greg tries to keep himself from crying because it hurt his face to cry.

He’ll be strong and he’ll make Greg eat his hospital food and he’ll excuse himself when Greg’s parents come in only to lassoed back in by Greg’s mother. He’ll take Greg home and hold him until he sleeps, fitfully and Greg’ll wake up many times screaming or maybe even crying until he stops himself.

He’ll ask for as much leave as he can get and Grissom will give it to him because Nick’ll have bags under his eyes and something weighing heavy on him and Grissom will carefully say that it’s only for two days because it’s all he can manage with Greg out of the picture.

He’ll use those two days wisely, administering pain medications and willing himself not to throw up or break down when Greg’s awake and can see him. Greg will ask about the wall, the obvious hole in it that Nick will have carefully cleaned of all traces of blood.

It’ll look bigger than just a fist so Nick will get away with saying he accidentally made it when he was moving in their new television, something bigger and shinier and it makes Greg smile as much as he can with the bruises on his face.

And Greg will never know how close Nick came to loosing it when he got that phone call.

5. The first time Greg said I love you to him.

As cheesy as it sounds, it’s the one memory that makes Nick smile without hesitation.

It had been done in such a Greg way, eating breakfast while the sun had long ago set. Greg had pulled out the Cap’n Crunch while Nick had opted for the more health conscious Heart Start and Greg had started making fun of him.

Had tried to pour sugar into Nick’s bowl and Nick had tried to hold it over Greg’s head only to loose his grip on the bowl and have it land on his head, milk splashing onto Greg’s shirt.

Nick hadn’t been amused, but Greg had been laughing hysterically, happy grin on his face and he’d lifted the bowl off of Nick’s head, Nick who had been glaring fiercely at him.

“Stop laughing.” Nick had said.

“I can’t… its funny.” Greg had said between bursts of laughter.

“No, it’s not. I’ve got cereal in my hair and milk all over me.”

“Hey, I’ve got milk on my shirt.”

“Yes, but do you have cereal in your hair.”

Greg had smiled.

“No.”

“Then you have no room to talk man.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just… this whole thing is like some domestic scene from a television show gone wrong.”

“Domestic scene?”

“Yeah, you know, the lighthearted, cuddling on the couch life that two people lead when they’re madly in love.”

“Madly in love?”

“Oh, come on, like it isn’t totally obvious that I’m in love with you.”

Nick had frowned, looked at Greg and had opened his mouth a few times before any actual sound came out.

“I love you too.”

Greg had rolled his eyes.

“Duh, hence the whole domestic, lighthearted, cuddling on the couch life that was lead because we’re madly in love. Although, like I said, ours is a bit… weird.”

“I can deal with weird.” Nick had said and then he had kissed Greg because that had been a big moment even if Greg hid it behind jokes.

It had set the tone for their relationship, weird and fun and serious when it needed to be.

And years later they’ll be working a case together, the first case that Grissom will let them work so closely together on for fear that something unprofessional might happen. Nick’ll think it has something to do with that new vibe he gets from Grissom and Sara, but he’ll say nothing about it because he’s working a case with Greg.

It’ll involve teenagers, people who keep scaring Nick more and more everyday, and Greg will make some offhand remark about getting lots of action in his senior year and Nick won’t know whether or not to believe him.

It’s the little moments that, the moments with Greg that make him smile and forget about the world and the people in it that keep doing things to each other, horrible things that make Nick want to shake them all and ask them what the hell.

It’s the afternoons that he wakes up with Greg in his arms, snuggled close and tight. It’s their days off where they’ll actually cuddle on the couch and Greg’ll break out the ice cream and ridiculous comedies.

It’s the whispered ‘I love yous’ and the arguments over what constitutes food and the trips to the grocery store that always end up with them spending way more money then they should have.

It’s the moments with Greg that make the moments he wishes he could forget all the more bearable


FIN