Title: Freedom
Author: Sonia
Email: caseyanddan@yahoo.com
Fandom : CSI: Vegas
Pairing: Warrick Brown/Gil Grissom
Series: No
Sequel: No
Website: No
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Warrick has a potty mouth. Everything else adult contained herein is why you are reading an NC-17 slash fiction story *g*
Feedback: Please do. I'd love to hear from anyone and everyone. The good, the bad and the ugly!!
Archive: Yes to WWOMB and Imagine. Others please ask my permission. Thanks.
Spoilers: Season 4 "Invisible Evidence", Season 1 "Cool Change"
Summary: Warrick needs to find peace of mind. He'll only find it in the truth.
Disclaimer: Bruckheimer and CBS owns them. I'm just borrowing them for a play date.

Thanks to Nancy G. aka The Tenth Muse for all her help. You're an extraordinarily talented writer and a special person. Thank you for your insight and hand-holding *g*.

Also thanks to Nicci and Catrina for their advice and support.

Is this how a grown man spends his free time? Why do I
do this to myself?  It's a stupid pipe dream. It will
never happen, so just get over it. I come here when I
really want to kick myself in the nuts. Of all the
places in this town that can really fuck with my head,
this is the worst. It's even worse than a casino. I'm
beginning to think Harley-Davidson opened a dealership
down the street from the lab just to rub my nose in
it.

The overhead lights make them shine like brand new
pennies. The one I had would be 16 years old by now.
God I miss that bike. Sometimes I dream about it. I
wondered if she is still around and running well. Nah,
I bet it's all scratched up and stinky. The guy who
bought it was a "sidewalk commando" type who didn't know a cam from a carburetor. He may have been an
asshole, but his money was green enough for me. That's
all that mattered at the time. I needed to payoff a
twenty three thousand dollar marker to avoid a serious
beat down. She brought me a little less than half of
that. I don't talk about what I had to do for the rest
of the money. I try not to even think about it.

These bikes are so seductive. I close my eyes and I
can feel myself riding. The sound of a Harley on the
open road is very unique. There is nothing like it in
the world. I can't remember the last time I felt that
free. I want to feel that way again. I need to feel it
again. The part of me that wants to run away is
getting bigger and bigger everyday. It used to be
because of all the shit that happened with Holly. I'm
responsible for her death even though I didn't pull
the trigger. I fucked up so bad I got someone killed.
I've learned to live with it. The way he looked at me
was almost as bad as what actually happened. He saved
my ass though, even if he didn't really trust me for a
long time afterwards.

Now he's looking at me that way again. The Lyford
case. Goddamn, how could I be so fucking sloppy?  I
know I should have checked into the situation with the
warrant. I really thought he would have gotten it.
That's how it's worked a thousand times before. I was
being a lazy dumb ass. Her killer could have gotten
away with it because of me. He probably would have
done it again too. In spite of my incompetence, we got
him. That fact should help me, but it doesn't.

It's been a week since we "fixed" my mess and I still
can't sleep. When I close my eyes all I see is Grissom
looking at me in the courtroom. He's making me want to
run away, far, far away.  No, that's not right. He's not doing anything to me. It's because of the way I
feel. I've disappointed him again.

I know I'm getting old but this is ridiculous. I've
been crouched down looking at this machine for just a
few minutes and my knees are talkin'. I've also got
that queasy feeling you get when you are on the brink
of collapse. I can't hold out much longer. Sooner or
later I'm just going to fall flat on my face. I'm
losing it fast. The medication is supposed to help,
but it's not so far. If I go home right now I might be
able to catch a few hours sleep. I've been on
"modified duty" at the sheriff's office for the last
week answering questions from the press. The office is
9 to 5 so my internal clock is all fucked up. That
hasn't helped me at all. It also doesn't help that
Atwater is a slime ball. I don't know what it is about
him, but somethin' ain't  right.

Being away from Grissom has its good and bad points. I
miss him more than I thought I would. He's called a
couple of times to check up on me. I was surprised he
even noticed I wasn't around.  I miss Nick and
Catherine too. They've been very cool about
everything. Sara is another story as usual. Then
again, it's easier to deal with all this shit without
Grissom looking so fucking hurt. OK I've got to get
out of here while I can still think straight enough to
get home.

Holy shit.

You have GOT to be kiddin' me?!  As my grandmother
likes to say, "Speak of the devil and he appears." In
my case "think of Grissom" would fit better.  Please
don't let him see me. Maybe I can make it out of that
exit door, before.

"Warrick?"

Of course he saw you. This is a brightly lit, empty
show room in the middle of the day, dumb ass.

I could pretend I didn't hear him. Yeah right. My
whole body flinched when he called my name. OK Brown
you're caught. Just turn around and play it cool. It's
worked before.

"Hey, Gris. What are you doing here?" I give him the
old "32 tooth salute."

He walks up to me and stops. He's dressed just like he
does for work. Dark jacket, pants and shoes. He's so
beautiful. There is something different though.  I
can't quite put my finger on it.

He looks me up and down with that disquieting
intensity of his. I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans like
everybody else in the street. For some reason it makes
me feel sloppy.

"I'm meeting a friend for lunch. And you?"

"Just looking. I do this sometimes."

"You're not in the market?  He waves his hand
expansively over the bike I was looking at.

I shake my head. "Nah, man. I'm just torturing myself.
I can't afford one of these things."

He leans into me and I figure out what's off about
him. He's wearing cologne, a good one too. We never
wear them at work. It could mess with a crime scene.

"Finance it. We're practically a cashless society." He
whispers in a conspiratorially way.

I shake my head again. "You forget what my hobby uses
to be. If I even think of applying for credit, the
powers that be fall off their chairs laughing."

He frowns a little. "You're still in debt from the
gambling?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I probably will be the rest of
my life. It's the price you pay."

He steps closer to me and I can't help but back away a
little. Seeing him at work is getting more and more
difficult to deal with. Seeing him during my off time
is almost too much to handle.

"How are you doing with all the noise from the Lyford
case? Is the Sheriff still on you?" The concern in his
voice is almost a living thing. I can feel it wrapping
itself around me.

I decided awhile ago not to let anyone know how
fucking sad and stupid I feel.  It doesn't serve any
purpose.  I figure I should just take what's coming
and shut up.

I give him the best smile I can muster. From the look
in his eyes I can tell it's not a very good one.

"It's pretty much over. I'm doing alright, man. Thanks
for asking. I'm back with you guys on Monday."

His eyes cloud over a little. "You don't look so good
Rick. If you need to talk."

I cut him off. "I know Grissom. Thanks again. By the
way what are you doing here?"

The frown on his face is a full on scowl now. "I'm
meeting a friend for lunch. I just told you that.
What's going on with you? "

Focus, Rick, focus. "Nothing, man. I'm just wiped out.
I'll see you on Monday." As I turn to leave he pulls
my sleeve.

"Ah here she comes. Wait a moment and I'll introduce
you." He says it in a light and pleasant way. The
smile on his face tells me it's someone special.

I turn to follow his line of sight and my jaw drops.
She is a fucking stunner. About the same age as
Grissom, but very well maintained. Gorgeous sable
colored hair past her shoulders, ruby red lips and a
very sassy chassis, all encased in a silk blouse and
skirt ensemble. The 4 inch heel on her Jimmy Choo's is
the cherry on the top. I never thought he would go for
someone so, I don't know, conventionally beautiful.

Fuck. Who am I kidding? A few years ago I would have
followed someone like her into moving traffic. Now all
I can think of is a pudgy myopic forensic scientist
with a thing for bugs.

She must be his new playmate. He's been running home
after shift for the last few weeks. He used to hang
out with us once in awhile but lately that has
changed. Catherine thought there might be a woman. It
looks like she was right. As long as he isn't with
Sara, I can deal. She's been riding him like a painted
horse for years and I've just about had enough. I know
I don't have any right to feel that way but DAMN.
Sometimes I just want to grab her by the shoulders and
shake her. How many different ways can he say "no"?

"Hello Gilbert. How are you today?" she plants a kiss
on his cheek. She's wearing a wedding ring.

What in the hell..?

He slips an arm around her waist and I instantly realize I've been jealous for nothing. He looks like a
proud papa. I didn't think it was possible for me to
love him more than I already did. I was wrong.

"Gina." his face flushes a beautiful rose color.

"You aren't ever going to be "Gil" to me." She smiles
at me.

"Virginia Gerard, this is Warrick Brown, one of the
best CSI's in the country. I'm lucky enough to call
myself his supervisor." He gestures towards me with a
slight bow. I can feel the heat rising in my face.
God, I wish he really believed that. I wish it were
true.

He turns towards the woman next to him. "Warrick this
is Virginia Gerard, one of my oldest friends."

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too. I've heard a lot about you."
For some reason that earns her a look of disapproval
from Grissom. She sort of ducks her head and retreats
a little.

"Um, why are you guys meeting here? Do you live
nearby?" I'm an investigator by nature I guess.

"Three of Virginia's sons own the dealership."

Three? She doesn't look old enough for that many adult
children. "How many children do you have?"

"Twelve."

"Excuse me?" It slipped out. Luckily she doesn't look
offended.

They both burst into peals of laughter. Don't you hate
it when that happens?

"I'm a Mormon, Mr. Brown. It's my job." She says with
a lopsided grin.

"Forgive me Mrs. Gerard but you don't look like a
Mormon." It's a stupid thing to say but it's true.

"I left my horse and buggy at home." She snorts.

Grissom takes over from there. "We met at UCLA. She
was married, the mother of eight children and a professor of biochemistry. It was clear to me even
then that she was and still is the most amazing woman
on the planet. She and her husband George have been
keeping me very busy since they moved here a few weeks
ago."

That's my cue. "Well, have a good time. It was nice
meeting you, Mrs. Gerard. See you, Grissom." As I
shake her hand goodbye I catch a little byplay between
them. She is trying to get him to do or say something
he doesn't want to do.

"Mr. Brown, would you like to join us?" She rushes out
the words as if they will hurt her if she doesn't get
rid of them.

A Mormon, a scientist and a chocolate colored brother
walk into a restaurant.  Sounds like the beginning of
a bad joke.

"Thanks for the invite but I've got to go. It's
Warrick by the way."

She gives me a wink. I like her. "Gina. Are you sure?
I have a couple of unmarried daughters I'd like you to
meet."

Grissom looks thunderstruck. What the hell is going on
here?

"Just because you." she is cut off by a withering look
from him.

"Thanks but no thanks." I say over my shoulder as I
leave out of the door. Just in time because I'm
starting to feel woozy. The sidewalk is shifting under
my feet. Oh, shit. Lord, don't do this to me. I
promise I'll be good for the rest of my life if you
let me reach my car. Apparently He isn't listening. I
feel more than see people rushing towards me.

The voices are all jumbled but I recognize one of
them.

The most awful feeling in the world is opening your
eyes and seeing sky and telephone wires. That can mean
only one thing. You've passed out in the middle of the
street. As things get clearer, I recognize his face.

"Warrick, open your eyes. Come on. Focus and open your
eyes." I hate to hear that scared pleading sound in
his voice and know I put it there. I dig deep for the
reserves.

"Hey." I hear several relieved sighs from the people
crowded around me. One of them is checking my pulse
and stretching out my eyelids. I hope he's a doctor.
He bends down more so I can see his face.

"Hi Warrick, I'm Jay Winston. I'm a doctor. How are
you feeling?"

"I'm OK." I start to try and sit up.

"Come on lie still. Let him take a look at you."

"I'm just a little tired. At least let me get off the
ground. OK?"

Several pairs of hands pull me to my feet. Grissom
walks me back into the dealership and I'm taken to the
office in back. A chair is placed under me. Thank God
for that, I'm still shaking like a leaf.

"Did you hit your head on the pavement? " He asks me.

"No, my legs just weren't working for a minute. I'll
go home, get some sleep and I'll be fine." I say this
as the doctor is listening to my heart through a
stethoscope he has magically produced out of thin air.

"Do you live by yourself?" he asked.  Uh oh. I nod
yes.

"Then it may not be a good idea for you to go home
just yet. If this is the beginning of something being
alone can be tricky."

Grissom gets up off of the desk he was sitting on.
"I'll take him over to my place."

"That's not necessary. I can get a cab home and ." He
cuts me off.

"No arguments here, Warrick. You'll stay with me
tonight and see a doctor tomorrow."

"Sounds good. Just watch for signs of something more
serious than fatigue." Dr. Winston states in a very
authoritative way.

I can't let this happen. Working with him is just this
side of bearable. I can't even begin to think what it
would be like to spend a night in his home with him.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

The doctor takes the hint and gives us some space. I
stand up and move a little closer to Grissom.

"Warrick..." he starts.

"This is embarrassing enough. Just go to lunch with
your friend. I'll be fine."

He sighs. "You'll have to see a doctor before you're
assigned a case in the field."

"What?!!"  All my blood has just rushed to my ears. It sounds like a fireworks display in my head.

"If you stay with me tonight I can be sure you're fit
for work. If you don't I'll need you to get medical
clearance." He was squared for a fight. A fight I
didn't have in me. If I push it any further I may just
hit the ground again. Fuck me, he's right. I've lost
this one. He at least has the decency not to look too
victorious.

"That's not right, man. You would have never known
about this if we hadn't run into each other. "

He looks stunned. "Has this happened before?"

Fuck. OK a change in tactics is in order. Retreat.

"What about my car? I can't leave it here." He looks
relieved.

"I'll have someone from the dealership drop it off at
my place. Don't worry about it. Give me your keys."

I slap them down in his hand a tiny bit harder than
necessary. He gives me an odd look before he goes off
to make the arrangements.

I've got to get it together. Could this day get any
worse? He comes back and he has Gina with him. The
warmth he shows her really pisses me off for some
reason. Yep, this day could get a whole lot worse.

She touches my shoulder with a warm hand. "I hope you
feel better Warrick." I shake her hand goodbye and try
not to look too embarrassed. We're walking to his car
when he says "Go get your overnight bag." We all carry
two days worth of clothes and toiletries for those
ugly double and triple shift nights. I got my bag and
I'm fighting the urge to hotwire my own car and just
drive away. Of course he may just fire my ass if I do
that so squash the idea. I walk over to the Tahoe, I
get in and he pulls away.

"You're not going to be gracious about this, are you?"
He asks without looking at me.

"No." That was so cold I've got frostbite on my
tongue.

"OK I just wanted to know where I stand." He says with
a little too much humour.

"You're blackmailing me and you want me to happy about it!"

"You're right. I shouldn't expect gratitude or
anything." The color of amusement in his voice gets to
me. I let up a little and give him a smirk. He grins
in return.

The drive to his place is a nice smooth one. Too
smooth. I'm starting to drift off. It feels so good to
finally close my eyes after five nights of
wakefulness.

The hand on my shoulder startles me. "Warrick, we're
here."

I follow him inside. The condo is exactly like the
last time I was here. He had invited the whole team
over to watch the Super Bowl. It shocked the hell out
of us that Grissom of all people was having a Super
Bowl party. Hell, Lindsey knew more about football
than he did. He seemed to have a good time and I liked
seeing him like that. It was OK to indulge in a little
Grissom watching because there were other people
around. I could relax and let myself fantasize. Now
there's no one but me and him. I don't think this is a
good idea.

I take my bag to the closet Grissom has converted into
a guest room. It is so small I could probably stand in
the middle of the room and touch both walls.

I come out and see him in the kitchen. He's changed
into old jeans that are threadbare in all the right
places and a t-shirt that has a picture of Einstein
sticking out his tongue. His bare feet are the last
straw. I've got to get out of here. If I don't,
passing out in the street will be the least
embarrassing thing that happens today. I sit down at
the counter on one of his bar stools.

"You should try to take a nap."

"Grissom I haven't "napped" since I was 5. If I could
sleep I would, but I can't. It's OK. I'll survive."

"We'll talk about that later I guess." He goes to the
fridge and starts digging. He's bent over and I've got
a very nice view of his ass.

"Are you hungry? I'm starved. I was supposed to be
eating lunch." He turns to me and I remember just in
time to stop drooling.

He holds up a carton of eggs. "Omelets OK?"

I manage to croak out, "Yeah fine."

He turns back to the counter and starts to work on the
food.

"So why aren't you sleeping? Is it the Lyford case?"
The question sounds causal but I know him too well to
be fooled.

"Yeah in a way. I can't help but think this guy almost got away." Shit where did that come from? I had
decided to not talk about it.

"Shit like this happens if you make assumptions. You
assumed the cop had gotten the warrant. He assumed you
had. I assumed at least one of you had. What they say
about assuming is true, isn't it? It makes an ass out
of you and me."

He seasons and whisks the eggs as he lectures me. He's
smart and coordinated too.

"I hated disappointing you. My fuck up could have cost
me and you our jobs. I find that hard to live with."

OK Warrick shut up. Your brain isn't functioning right
and you're telling all of your secrets.

He pours the eggs into the heated pan.

"You're worried about me?" He doesn't turn around but
I can see the tension in his shoulders.

"Always. I worry about you and what you think. I worry
I'm not good enough to work for you. I worry..."

Jesus what did I just say? To hell with this. I stand
up. The scraping of the chair makes him look at me.

"Look, I've got to go. I'll get medical clearance
from...someone before my shift on Monday. I just can't
be here...right now. I...". I'm headed to the guest
room.

"Why can't you be here? Is it me? Have I done
something to.? I don't know. Have I offended you?" He
says it in such a clueless way, my heart aches for
him. I can't hurt him. I won't.

"No, it's me. I have...you...I have feelings about
you. For you. I can't...I don't...."

The door to the condo is just 30 feet away. If I don't
die at this very second I may just make it out of here
with some dignity.

I look at him and I see the light bulb go on.

"The reason you want to leave is the same reason I
want you to stay." He says it in such a low voice I'm
not sure I heard him.

We're standing four or five feet apart with the
breakfast bar between us. I couldn't move if you
offered me money. He is looking as uncomfortable as I
feel.

"Are you attracted to me?" I have to hear him say it.

"Yes. God, yes." He closes his eyes and says it like
he has been holding it back for a long time. He opens
his eyes and looks at me for the first time. I can
feel him see me.

"You?" he asks.

I let all of the air out of my lungs. This is it.

"Not a day goes by that I don't think about being with
you."

He blinks several times and the best thing in the
world happens. He smiles. It's a real soul deep smile
I've never seen before from him. I have the feeling
it's the world's best kept secret.

"I guess you should kiss me then if you feel that
way," he growls at me. His voice goes straight up my
spine.

I don't know what happened a few seconds ago. I don't
know how this is happening.

I'm in my boss' kitchen with my hands in his beautiful
hair trying my best to suck the life out of him. I'm
holding him in my arms right now. I've dreamt of doing
this for a long, long time. Now it's true. He is mine
for the taking. Kissing him makes me hungry. It could
also be the burning eggs I've smelled for the last
five minutes or so.

"Rick, I can hear you thinking."

I tense up a little and he definitely feels it. If he
knew what I was really thinking he'd run screaming
into the streets. The last thing I want to do is scare
him off. I've got my hands on his shoulders. I'm not
ready to let go.

"Oh, yeah what am I thinking?"

He squints his eyes, and screws up his mouth into his
thinking face.

"You're thinking where the hell do we go from here."
It comes out as a statement not a question. He's
right. I'm not going to get away with much with him.

"Ohhh, I've just kissed Nostradamus. I feel
privileged." I say. I'm trying to keep our good mood
going. It works.

He chuckles, pulls me closer and I look into his shiny
face. My body understands his very well. I'm hard as a
rock. I want him so bad I'm almost dizzy. I'm making
plans in my head on how to get him under me in the
very near future.  Undressing him would be a good
start. I want to take a look at my prize. Of course
I've seen him in the shower at work. I know what his
body looks like, but it's my turn for an up close and
personal inspection. I'm shocked as hell when he
pushes my hands away and shakes his head no.

"I thought we could."

"I know what you thought, but we really.. shouldn't."

Talk about dazed and confused.

He turns towards the stove and takes the pan off the
burner. He starts scraping the burnt eggs down the
disposal.

"We should take it kind of slow. I'm not used to this.
These feelings are really.."

I close the distance between us and put my hands on
his shoulders. I turn him around. Then I see it. He's
afraid of getting hurt. He's had his teeth kicked in a
few times and he's not sure he can do it again.

"You're scared shitless, aren't you?" I stroke his
cheek with the back of my hand.

"Yeah, I am."

He turns the sweetest shade of red I've ever seen. He
cocks his head to the side the way he does. I lean in
and kiss his cheek lightly. His beard is whispery
soft. He hugs me with renewed strength. There are a
thousand questions I want to ask him. None of them
should be asked right now though.

"Please. I need a little time. OK?" He mumbles into my
shoulder.

What am I supposed to say here? I've waited this long,
I can wait a little while longer.

"I'm not going anywhere." How quickly things can
change. We came here because I needed help. Now *he*
needs *my* help. Actually we need each other. I think
we always have.

He pulls away and starts to cook again. I sit at the
counter and watch him. He moves with a grace that is
born of being totally unaware of himself. The silence
between us is like warmed honey. It's nothing special
but it's still a treat.

"Eggs aren't what I want to eat right now."

He turns and looks at me. He could melt a glacier with
just his eyes. "Warrick you said."

"I know, I know. Just making my agenda very clear to
you. I'm hot for you, Gil. I may not be able to keep my hands to myself."

He smirks. "I'm trying to concentrate. Let me finish
this and then we'll.talk."

He reaches into the refrigerator and pulls out milk to
add to the eggs.

"I'm lactose intolerant remember?" I hate that phrase.
It sounds like yuppie bullshit but what else can you
call it when dairy products make you shit your brains
out.

"Sorry honey. I forgot. "

He called me honey. I like that. I like it a lot. I'm
smiling at him even though his back is turned to me.

"Sara always forgets too. Remember last year when she
bought me that expensive cheesecake for my birthday?
It looked sooo good.  I tried to eat it. I even took
those lactase replacement pills. I thought I could get
away with a little slice. I ate two bites and spent
the rest of the day puking into any open receptacle I
could find. Those pills never did shit for me."

Did I just say that?

"Yeah I remember."

I could swear I just saw him cringe. Oh that's good.
Sometimes I think I should be tested for some organic
brain disease. I say the most fucked up things at the
most fucked up time. I just reminded my hopefully
future lover of the last confusing episode in his love
life. In a very weird way *she* broke *his* heart by
wanting to be with him.  Now she's in the room with
us. Why don't I just pound a nail into his forehead
with the heel of my shoe? It would hurt less.

He turns around and gives me the "I'm examining you
like a bug under my microscope" look again. When he
looks at you like that he is as dangerous as a laser
guided missile. I'm the target and I hate it.

"You ate it because you didn't want to disappoint
her."

"Something like that." Evasive action taken, lock on
target is lost.

"We're all guilty of that, I guess." Gil says softly.
I'm not going to let him take the blame for her
fucking with his head.

"Did you really want to be with her?" I'd love an
answer to that one. I'm cool about her now because I'm
where I've always wanted to be. A few days ago I would
have given anything for her to transfer off of the
shift and leave him alone.

"I just wish." He wishes it would have played out
different. So many feelings got hurt in that mess.

"Yeah."

I know the answer now. They did it. They both will go
to their graves before they'd admit it, but they
fucked. They fucked and he feels guilty because it
meant more to her than it did to him. I hope I don't
end up on the wrong side of the equation like Sara.

**********************************************************************

We eat the omelets he finally manages to produce after
sacrificing 8 eggs to the disposal gods. We spend the
whole time talking, trying to pretend nothing has
changed.  Of course that is so not true.

I've yawned through the entire conversation. He says
if I apologize one more time he is going to fire me.
We put the dishes in the dishwasher and clean up. We
touch just enough for me to get a little buzz. He
kisses me again, very sweetly and softly as I crack a
huge yawn. He snorts.

"Why don't you try lying down for a little while?"

"No, I want to be with you." I sound like a little kid
trying to avoid bedtime. This affair is not starting
off well.

He goes down the hallway to his bedroom. He reaches
out his hand to me.

"You can use my bed if you want. I'll stay with you
until you fall asleep."

Hello Mr. Mixed Signals.

He grins at me in such a way that makes me want to
remove his clothes with my teeth.

"Just rest Warrick. Nothing else. OK?"

If it's OK with my dick it's OK with me. Let me check.
My dick says it couldn't get hard if you threatened
to shoot it off, so I guess it's OK. Did I say that
out loud? I'm so exhausted I'm not sure. Check Gil's
face for signs of impending disaster. Nothing-unusual
there. He looks like he's waiting for an answer. I
follow him to his bedroom. It's quiet, thoughtful and
intense just like its master. The bed is wonderfully
solid with just the right give. I almost sink into
sweet unconsciousness at the first touch. The bastard
knows way too much for my own good. He's trying to put
me to sleep. It's working. I'm so fucking pathetic.

"I paid like a million bucks for this thing but it's
worth every penny. Don't you think?" he says with a
nasty little "gotcha" grin on his face.

"I'll get you for this. Why don't you just tuck me in
and kiss me on the forehead?" Of course my diatribe
was ruined by a huge yawn in the middle of it.

I felt the kiss on my forehead but I slowly sank away
from reality.

I roll over and realize something's missing. I didn't
hit the wall that is next to my bed. That's funny.
Where did it go? I'm warm and comfortable even as I
contemplate the missing wall. You know what ruins this
sweet much needed sleep? The blind panic I'm in
because I realize I don't know where the fuck I am.
It finally hits me. His bed. Oh yeah. I've got a smile
as wide as Victoria Lake on my face. I can see it in
the mirror opposite the bed. I've been drooling on his
pillow and covered with a sheet that smells exactly
like him. All I need now is for him to be here. He
comes into the room looking like mortal sin.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Better thanks. Sorry about conking out like that.
That's the first decent sleep I've had in awhile." I
sit up with my back on the headboard. He is wearing a
robe, forest green in color, velour. A woman's present
no doubt.

I scratch my head and rub my eyes. I feel good for the
first time in days. I must have slept for hours. I
look out the window and see the sun low on the
horizon.

"What time is it?"

"It's a little after 7."

"Jeez, you let me piss away the whole day!!"

"This day is just beginning for us." He says it with
something in his voice I've never heard before.

Desire.

His eyes are bolted to mine as he walks up to my side
of the bed. He opens the robe and it drops to the
floor. He has starred in my fantasies for months, but
to actually have his half hard cock within my reach is
amazing. He has a sprinkling of salt and pepper hair
in all the right places. Sun touched skin stretched
over a thick, solid frame. The years have been kind to
him. The middle-aged spread is actually sexy on him.
He lifts the covers and gets in with me. He throws a
leg over me and straddles my hips.

"Have you...done this before?" He answers me by
nibbling on my earlobe and saying "Yes. Have you?"

I wrap my arms around his waist. "I've been with a
man, but it was just sex, you know what I mean? I want
everything with you. Everything."

You could have told me the sky was falling and I
wouldn't care. He proceeds to suck my tongue out of my
mouth. I disengage from him long enough to ask, "I
thought you wanted to go slow? What changed your mind?
Not that I'm complaining."

He runs his fingers through my hair and looks into my
eyes.

"You need me."  Ain't that the truth.

"Yes I do."

"What was your nightmare about?"  Damn. I was hoping
it wouldn't happen here.

"I'm sorry. Every since the case, I've..."

He puts a finger on my lips. He hushes me.

"I know, sweetheart. You called my name. I started to
wake you but instead I put my arms around you and you
calmed down. It's over and we got the bad guy. You got
him, Ricky. I'm proud of you for not giving up."

I stroke his cheeks. His beard is softer than it
looks. "I don't want you to do anything you're not
ready for."

He gives me a grin "I won't. I want you to know I'm
here for you. I want to show you how much I care about
you. Let me show you." He lowers his mouth to mine and
brushes his lips against my lips. It's not really a
kiss, more like the promise of a kiss.

I want him to know how much those words mean to me but
I don't know what to say. Just then something he said
hit me.

"You were watching me sleep?" My whole world stops
when he nods yes. He kisses me deeply. He tastes like
everything good in the world.

"Your mouth is lethal you know that?" He sweeps his
tongue over my lips.

We are both hard and I have way too many clothes on
for this. I need to feel his skin next to mine. I want
him to see me.

"Gil, take my clothes off."

That really turns him on. His breathing is uneven and
his pupils expand so wide they cover most of  the blue
part of his iris. He grabs the front of my t-shirt and
tugs it over my head. He lowers his head and attacks
one nipple, then the other. I lift his face to get to
his neck. I want to mark him as mine. I want to brand
his beautiful honey colored skin with my mouth but I
don't. Hickeys are a possessive and immature thing to
do to another person. I haven't done it to anyone for
years. I haven't wanted to until now.

I throw back the covers and watch him move his hips
against my swollen crotch.

I groan. "You would have been a helluva lap dancer."
He gives me a devilish smile.

"There are no house rules here. We can touch each
other as much as we want." I tap his shoulder to stop
him long enough to shift him off of me. He lies down
on his back with his legs bent and spread wide open.
His cock was flat against his belly, ready for action.
I stand up to discard my too tight underwear and
jeans. I stroke myself in front of him. I close my
eyes and think about what we're doing. It's almost too
much.

"Open your eyes. Look at me."

I do what he asks. He has a ravenous look that makes
my skin burn. He wraps his hand around my cock as he
levies himself up on his knees. His mouth engulfs me
and the world stops spinning. I feel everything in
life through my cock at this moment. I don't want it
to end. Ever. He has his hands on my ass, squeezing my
cheeks as he sucks me down his throat. I stroke his
hair and shoulders, floating on the overwhelming
sensations. I almost let myself go. I want to come in
his mouth. I want to make him swallow my come. I want
him to taste me, taste the love I have for him, but
not yet. My legs are starting to tremble from all the
electricity flowing between us. Reluctantly, I stop
him and I get back on the bed. I don't know how it
happened but I find myself on my back with him between
my legs. He crawls up so that we are face to face. I
reach for his dick and he stops me. He plunders my
mouth. I taste myself on him. Sweat, pre-come and my
own personal brand of body chemistry are in the saliva
feast he gives me.

"Uh ah, if you touch me it will be over."  I look
closely at him and I can see he is exercising a
tremendous amount of control.

"Allow me to show you one of my favorite sex acts."

He lies down on top of me. From head to toe we match
body parts. Then he slips a knee between my thighs. I
take his leg and hump it like this is the last day of
my life. To see him moving on top of me, taking this
kind of pleasure from my body is the sexiest thing
that's ever happened to me. He moans and whispers
incomprehensible things in my ear as he rubs his cock
on my leg like a dog in heat. I wrap my arms around
him so tightly I must be cutting off his air but I
can't help it.

"Say it. Tell me. Tell me when you're gonna come I
want to hear you say it," he whispers as he thrusts
himself against me faster and faster.

"Oh god. I want you so much.I want you in me. I want
you in my life. I love you so much, so much." The
sweetest feeling in the world is coiling in my balls
and it's about to be released.

"Yessss. You're going to be here with me forever.
Aren't you baby?" He whispers breathlessly.

"Gil .Gil.I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come for you."

I fire off my first volley. Both of my heads explode
and I'm out of the game. I buck so hard I almost throw
him off. He grabs my upper arms tightly; I could feel
his fingers leaving ten little bruises.  He leaves his
fluids all over my groin and leg. It's the most
precious gift he could ever give me. He kisses my
forehead and I take him in my arms. He tucks his head
under my chin and starts to fall asleep. Before he is
completely out I say the only thing I can think of.

"Thank you."

*******************************************************

We spent the rest of the weekend together. I slept
more in those two days than I had in the last month.
It was decided I didn't need to see a doctor after
all. We had figured out what was ailing me.

We shared his bed the whole time. We never went "all
the way". After that initial sexual contact we engaged
in mutual jerking off and lots of making out, but
that's it. I found it very satisfying to hold back.
We'll get to the promised land when we are ready.

It's funny. We've known each other for years but I'm
just now getting to *really* know him. I was
infatuated, besotted and curiously attracted to Gil
before. Now it is much more than that. So very much
more.

Monday has come way too soon. I don't want to leave
his place. The real world was "out there".  I have to
go home to get a fresh change of clothes. As I am
leaving, I catch the sad look on his face.

I kiss him soundly. I grab his cheeks and scratch his
face through his beard the way he likes.

"Gil, we can do this. It can work." I don't know which
one of us I'm trying to convince.

"I know you're right. I just want it to be like this
for awhile longer." He sounds so wistful.

"It will be fine. Just talk to me. I know what we feel
is powerful. Just don't run from it. OK?"

He nods and lays his head on my shoulder. If the world
only knew what a little boy he really is.

**********************************************************************

I'm assigned to work with Nick tonight. I'm truly a
lost cause. I can't focus. I'm thinking about Gil. I
wonder how his day is going. I wonder if he is
thinking of me. Love is a pain in the ass sometimes.
Nick has to repeat himself a thousand times. He keeps
asking me what's wrong and I keep telling him nothing.

"Is the Lyford case still fucking with your head?" he
asks with real concern.

"No I'm OK, Nick. Really, I'm just wiped out." I put
my hand on his shoulder and give it a squeeze.

"OK." he sighs. He put his hand on my back. "If you
need to talk, we're all here, man. Catherine, Sara,
everybody here cares a lot about you. You know that,
right?" he says in his naive way.

For some reason, that really gets to me. I feel a lump
forming at the back of my throat and a suspicious
stinging in my eyes. I feel like a major asshole. He
is reaching out to me. He is trying to comfort me on
one of the happiest days of my life and I can't tell
him the truth. Life is really fucked up sometimes.

Thirty-seven days ago, I found out my boss loves me. I
can honestly say this is the happiest I've ever been.
It's not all a bed of roses though. Lest we forget,
I'm in a homosexual affair with my supervisor. A man
15 years my senior, I might add. Dr. Freud? A confused
black man is holding on line 2. He needs your help. On
top of that, we still have to deal with all the
practical crap that comes up when you first get
together. I'm a slob and he's definitely not. I love
jazz, rap and hip-hop. I think his hair would turn
completely white if he had to listen to that stuff for
more than a couple of minutes. On the other hand, I'd
listen to Mahler over and over again just to make him
smile.

The others saw the changes in me. You can't feel the
way I feel about him and not be affected by it. Nick
was convinced he can figure out who I'm seeing. Of
course he thinks it's a woman. Catherine, on the other
hand, had this look in her eye that had Gil spooked.
He was convinced she knew. He wanted to tell her but I
wouldn't let him.

"What if she can't handle it? We're screwed if she
turns on us."

Gil shook his head. "She is our *friend*. You know how
smart she is. She's going to figure it out anyway."

Of course he was right. Yesterday, Catherine proved
how well tuned her mind really is.

**********************************************************************

She walked up to me in the break room. I was reading
the paper and minding my own business as usual. She
lifts the first page and reads the headline.

"The Washington Post? Local news isn't good enough for
you anymore?" She scoffs at me.

"You should read the national and international news
to get the big picture Catherine, you know that." I
teased.

"I do know that. Gil has been trying to get you to do
that for years. What's changed your mind?"

The first thing that came into my head was, the way he
smells after we make love could convince me that I'm
really a seventeen year old Chinese girl.

I didn't say that though.

"Sometimes you have to figure things out for
yourself." He walked into the room as I finished that
sentence looking completely gorgeous and fuckable.

"Good morning, everybody." I could knock him down and
eat him alive. Then I remembered my own personal
mantra when he is around. Cool, impersonal, detached,
that's me. Yeah right.

"Morning", she replies. She loves him as much I do.
Thank God it's the love of friendship and admiration,
not evil carnal lust like mine.

"Hey, Warrick," he glances at me and nods.

I looked up. "Hey, how's it goin'?" There is nothing
suspicious there, right? Apparently Catherine saw or
heard something odd. I could see the wheels turning in
her head. He got his coffee and left the room.
Catherine came over to me and grinned. I could feel
myself crumbling under her scrutiny. When I couldn't
look at her she started chuckling.

"Thank God!!  I *finally* get it!! You two have been
freaking me out for weeks. There's all this weird
energy floating around you guys and I couldn't put my
finger on it. Now it all makes sense." Turning away
from me she started making her coffee.

"What the hell.?" She cut off my feeble protest.

"Oh please." She said waving her hand, dismissing me.
"It's OK. I won't spill the beans. I've known you had
a thing for him for ages. I just wasn't sure it was
mutual. You never know what Gil is thinking. I'm just
glad you both are on the same page."

Ok I'm a masochist. "What makes you think we're
involved?"

"That haunted look is gone. You are actually happy."

She doesn't give me a chance to respond, she just
heads for the door. As she reaches for the handle, she
turns to face me.

"Just one thing before I forget. If you hurt him in
anyway, I will empty a Desert Eagle into your most
sensitive male body parts. You got me?" She was
completely serious.

"Yeah. I get it."

"Good. See ya later." I actually shivered as she left.
The woman has an iron girder for her spine. I honestly
think she would do very bad things to me if I hurt
him. She would have to get in line.

I had to find him and tell him about our conversation.
I didn't want him sand-bagged. I saw him in the hall
talking to Brass. I caught his eye and he broke off
his conversation. He leaned into me with a hand on my
shoulder. He's done that a million times before.
Nowadays it sends a twitch of electricity to my groin.

"What's up?"

"Catherine knows." I didn't have to say anything else.
I could see from his expression he knew what I'm
talking about.

"Do I need to speak with her?"

"Are you worried about her saying something? She
won't. She's happy for us." I said with a smile.

The concerned look washes away and is replaced with
his usual inscrutable face.

"Good." He gave my shoulder a little caress.

"I'm heading out. I'll catch up with you later."

As his hand came down off my shoulder, I brushed it
and gave it a squeeze. More like a handshake than a
caress. These little touches are the most we can allow
ourselves in public. Even off duty we have to be
careful. The chances are someday, sooner than later,
we will be caught. He is just too high profile for
this to stay a secret for very long. It's going to
come out. There's a phrase for you.

Every time I think about the damage our relationship
could do to his career, it's like a fist tightens
around my heart. My career is of little concern to me.
I could walk away from here in a second if it meant
minimizing his pain. Could he do the same for me if
the positions were reversed? I've always doubted that
anyone would make that kind of a sacrifice for me. To
be honest, I'm not worth it.

"Warrick?"

"Yeah?"

He inclined his head so that I could see his eyes over
his glasses.

"She's not the only one who's happy." The sly grin on
his face made my toes tingle. I might not think I'm
worth the effort but maybe, just maybe, he does.

****************************************************

Three months later..

This being in love thing has done wonders for my
frayed nerves. I've been so relaxed I've stopped
taking my medication. I hated the way it dulled
everything. I want to feel everything, the good and
the bad. I had just started it a few weeks before the
Lyford fiasco. I think it helped me get through it.
The sleeplessness may have been a side effect. Or I
could have just been twisted into knots over my
fuck-up. Who knows?

The thing I do feel bad about is not having told Gil
about the attacks. I know he would be understanding.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. I just don't want him
to think of me that way. What if he started treating
me differently because of it? That would kill me.

A hazard of being this sated is oversleeping. I know
three things for sure. It's very late in the evening,
I'm still lying in bed and he's not next to me. I
better get up and start getting ready for work. Gil
has already left to meet with Brass about one of his
cases. We spend most of our time at his place because
it's bigger and more comfortable. A major plus for me
in staying here is his sinfully wonderful bed. My own
bed is a twin I got from a discount chain. Some
mornings I wake up more tired than before I went to
sleep.


The note on the nightstand says:

"W,

You better get to work on time. I know your boss. He
may want sexual favors in exchange for his silence
about your tardiness. You might also have to have dinner with him tonight to square things.

G"


We've been together for five months and he still asks
me to dinner. Maybe I should just lay here and wait
for him to come home. I could be naked and ready for
him to ravish when he got here. Oh yeah I like that
idea. Of course I'm too much of a workaholic to skip a
day. Also, I want to be with him and work is where he
is, so I'm up.

My curiosity is killing me. This is the first time
I've been here alone. We've all been in this situation
before. Do you violate the person's trust by snooping
around, or be mature enough to not look through their
stuff? Me, mature? I start by taking a peek through
his drawers and closets. Just as I thought,
disgustingly neat. The shoes are fucking lined up.
Damn, I really don't think we would last five minutes
in the same house.  Same house? Whoa, talk about
jumping the gun. I've got to get a hold of myself.

After my shower, I go to the kitchen for a bite to
eat. God, he's incredible. He's left a set of keys on
the counter. The note says simply, "Yours." That's him
all over. No big discussion about it. Just do it.

Standing in the doorway of the break room when I get
to work is that ugly SOB Atwater.

"Brown, we have unfinished business," he snarls at me.

"About what?"

"I've been taking a look at the file on the Lyford
mess. You were never polygraphed."

"The case has been closed for months. What's the
problem?" He is very rapidly ruining my day.

"The problem is there is still a real probability of a
lawsuit from several of the involved parties.
Everyone's passed a poly except you. I've made the
arrangements for a test. Come with me and we'll take
care of it right now."

I'm so fucked. I don't want to think about this. I
don't want to re-live it again.

"I want to talk to Grissom first. Just wait a minute."
I start to leave when he steps in front of me.

"He's already signed off on this. He thinks you've got
nothing to hide. I think he's wrong. I've been
watching you for weeks. You're hiding something." He
looks like fucking Pennywise.

I feel like I just jumped from a sauna into an ice
bath. He's been watching me? My spidey sense is on
full alert.

"Bullshit. I want to check this out with him."

He huffs. "You think he can stop me? You've been here
long enough to know better. Your white knight can't
save your ass this time. If you refuse, it goes on
your record. You won't like where it goes from there."


The "white knight" remark sends up a huge red flag in
my head. He knows. Goddamn he knows about us.  I've
got to hold it together. If I slip up in front of this
guy, Gil is toast.

I've got no choice. Jesus, don't let this happen. Not
now. Not in front of him. I'm starting to
hyperventilate and sweat like a pig. I've got that
downward spiral feeling in my gut. He's walking behind
me and muttering.

"What's the matter? What are you so nervous about?" He
has the fucking nerve to sound concerned.

The sound of his voice is so oily I could slide on it.
My heart is beating three times faster all of a
sudden. I can feel "the mean reds" descend upon me.
Usually when that happens someone ends up with a few
missing teeth. Or I pass out on the floor. Either one
is too humiliating to contemplate right now. I look up
and see Gil coming towards us.

"Hey Sheriff. Hey." He looks me in the eye and can see
right away I'm in trouble.

"Is there a problem here?" He's addressing Atwater,
but the question is for me. Not that I get a chance to answer it.

"Nothing to concern you, Gil. I am just taking CSI Brown here to complete a polygraph test."

I lean in and tell Gil. "I need a minute first."

"Of course."  He puts a hand on my shoulder and steers
me away from Atwater.

I hear him yelling, "Where the hell are you two
going?" as we walk away.

I head for the locker room as fast as my trembling
legs can carry me. Gil is right behind me but right
now I really don't care. I'm so wound up the world
starts to tilt. I feel his hands steadying me. He
helps me to the bench. He kneels in front of me with
his hands on my knees.

"Ricky what's going on? Do I need to call someone?"

I finally gather enough breath to speak. "Please just
give me a minute. Please."

"Anxiety attack?"

"Yeah." Fuck he's smart.

"Do you take anything for them?"

"I stopped a few months ago. I thought." I can't
finish the sentence.

"It's OK. Do you still have the medication in your
locker?"

I nod yes. This is a fucking horrible way for him to
find out. He opens my locker and finds the pill
bottle. He goes over to the cooler to get me a cup of
water. He brings me the cup and sets it down on the
bench. He puts two tablets in my shaking hands. I
manage to put it in my mouth and get it down. He
kneels down in front of me again and rubs my thighs.

As I swallow the pills he says "You can't take the
test now. The readings will be inconclusive or worse,
deceptive. I'll put off Atwater as long as I can. Stay
here." He squeezes my knees and smiles at me. I grab
his hands.

"I'm sorry about this. I should have told you. I
don't.." I don't want him to be angry with me.

"I just want you to feel better right now. We have a
lot to talk about but it will have to wait. I'm not
angry with you. Just try to relax. OK?"  He stands up
and looks down at me. He touches my cheek in a sweet
way.

"What are you a damn mind reader?" I gasp out.

He smirks, "No, but I'm getting there. I'll be back in
a minute."

"Before you go I've got to tell you something. Atwater
is on to us. He says he's been watching me since the
Lyford case."

He turns my words over in his head.

"So that's what this is all about. He wants to poke
around in your private life. He's using this polygraph
test to ask you questions about us. That's
interesting."

Christ we're screwed.

"I'll resign. That should end his witch hunt." My
chest is so tight, I can't breathe. My heart is
racing. I feel like I'm going to explode into a
million pieces any second now.

He shakes his head no.

"That wouldn't work. If it comes down to that, both of
us will have to go. I don't think it will. If I'm
right we can walk away from this unscathed and with a
little insurance to keep him off our backs."

Now I'm seriously confused. "How's that going to
happen?"

His eyes bore into my soul. "Do you trust me?"

My heart skips several times as the earth spins off
its axis. "You know I do."

He reaches for my hand. If someone were to come in
right now there wouldn't be a question as to whether
there is anything personal between us.

"If you are asked about us, tell the truth." I start
to protest when he squeezes my hand to stop me.

"Answer every question as honestly as humanly
possible. OK?"  He looks at me with so much love,
there is no way I can refuse him anything. I did have
to ask one question though.

"Why? Why give him all the information he needs to
hang us?"

He gives me a very dark grin.

"I think his interest in you has very little to do
with the Lyford case. We can use it against him."

"What." was all I can squeak out of my very dry mouth
when Atwater comes flying through the door.

"If you don't come with me RIGHT NOW I will write you
up as refusing the test." He says it with such cold
fury, I feel like hiding under the bench.

Gil turns to face him in full protective mode. Thank
God.

"You will do no such thing. What do you think the
press would do with this story? The department is
wasting good money trying to cover its own ass by
polygraphing a CSI?" Gil moved closer to him and said
"He's not feeling very well, Sheriff. He should take
the test tomorrow."

He sees the pill bottle in the bench next to me.
Atwater comes around Gil and looks me up and down.
"What did you just take?"

"A magic potion that helps you beat the all mighty
polygraph. I bought it off the internet for $19.95."
Hey, I must be feeling better.

"Warrick, don't". Gil turns around to look at me and I
see the sparkle in his eyes.

"He's prone to anxiety attacks. The medication
interferes with the results of a polygraph test. He'll
have to test late tomorrow, or better yet, the day
after tomorrow.

"There's nothing in his record about this." He's
turning an interesting shade of purple from all the
excitement.

"I didn't want it in my "confidential" medical
record," I manage to squeak out.

"He told me. I respected his request not to inform the
department." Ground control to Major Tom? What the
fuck is he doing? He's throwing kerosene on the
sheriff's blazing inferno. Atwater glares at him.

"I'll bet you did."

Then he smiles at Gil in such a used car salesman way,
I don't want to be in the same room with him. He turns
his beady eyed, sweaty, puffy face towards me and the
smile fades. Just for an instant he has a look in his
eyes that makes me feel like one of those scantily
clad blondes in the horror movies. He is the big bad
monster that's trying to get me. I get the feeling I'm
not going to like what happens if he catches up to me.
Gil looks at him and something clicks. I can see that
sense of discovery in his eyes.

"You are giving me a sample TODAY. Urine AND blood,
Brown. I'm gonna checkout this fairytale. You're not
going to fuck with me on this. You two" he pointedly
looks at Gil then me "aren't going to get away with
anything. You got me?!" The big bad wolf stomps off
swearing under his breath.

"Thanks." A pitiful thing to say but it was
appropriate.

"God help me, I enjoyed that." he grins. "How ya
feeling?"

I was so busy watching him work over Atwater I hadn't
been paying attention. The shakes and twitches were
lessening.

"I'm cool. I'll be ready."

"I hope so mi amor because both of our asses are on
the line. Remember nothing but the truth. The truth
may just set us free," he says with a smirk.

***********************************************************************

The rest of the day was a breeze compared to the
beginning. We had four homicides and one sexual
assault during our shift. I didn't see or speak to Gil
again until 38 hours later. I saw him right before the
test. I was dying for him to tell me what he had on
Atwater. I caught him in his office doing paperwork.
He looks up and gives me what I now call "my smile."

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself. How are you feeling?" He takes his
glasses off. I love seeing his eyes.

"I'm cool. Look, we haven't had a chance to talk about
all of this."

He shakes his head. "I don't want you thinking about
that now. Just focus on staying calm. OK? We're fine,
I swear. I'll see you after the test. Remember,
nothing but the truth, Warrick. You got it? Let me
know when it's over."

I give him the ASL sign for "I love you". He smiles
and mouths "Me too."

I enter the testing room as calm as I could manage. I
can't get rattled.

"CSI Brown?" She says it loud enough for the recording
devices that are hidden in the room to pick up.

"That's me." I sit down in the chair and she starts
strapping me in.

Everything goes well until about twenty minutes into
the test. The questions take a strange turn into the
land of the weird.

"Did you ingest, inject or inhale anything to mask the
true results of this test?" Could they make the fact
that she has a direct pipeline to Atwater anymore
obvious?

"Uh, no."

"Did Gilbert Grissom help you ingest, inject or inhale
anything to mask the true results of this test?"

"No."

"Do you have any reason to lie about the previous
subject?"

"No." That sounds like an end to the test to me. Maybe
I was wrong about Atwater.

"I'm going to ask you some questions about the nature
of your relationship with CSI night shift supervisor
Gilbert Grissom. Please answer yes or no."

Spoke too soon. Here we go.

"Do you consider Gilbert Grissom, a close personal
friend?"

Holy Mary. Count to ten. Take it nice and slow.

"Yes." That's the truth. He's my best friend, among
other things.

"Do you have a relationship outside of your positions
at the crime lab?"

"Yes."

"Do you spend significant amounts of time together
outside of your positions at the crime lab?"

"What's this all about?" I can't just roll over.
Whatever Gil has planned I want it to come as a
complete surprise.

"Please answer yes or no." At least she's polite about
invading my privacy.

"Yes." I hate this with a passion. I've seen this
coming since the beginning. Now that its here, I'm
really terrified. Gil asked me to trust him and I
will.

"Do you have a sexual relationship with Gilbert
Grissom?"

"What's that got to do with this investigation?"

She looks at me with a glint in her eye. She's eating
this up with a spoon. "Answer the question, please."

Here goes nothing. "Yes." The sky didn't fall on me
but I still feel like shit. How the fuck did I get in
this position?

"How long have you been in a sexual relationship with
Gilbert Grissom?"  Now I'm pissed off.

"It's not "a sexual relationship", we're in love. Do
not fucking trivialize it. He's the most important
person in my life." Now THAT felt good.

She curls her lips into what I assume she calls a
smile. "You'll be happy to know that outburst
registered as truthful. Now answer the question."

Not long enough. "Five months."

"Where you pressured into engaging in this
relationship against your will?"

That makes me laugh. I should be so lucky.

"Lady, I jumped him. It's a mutual thing. It has
nothing to do with the job."

"I'll take that as a no."

"Take it anyway you want too." I might as well have
some fun with this.

"Are you aware that a sexual relationship between a
supervisor and his direct subordinate is forbidden by
the regulations of the Las Vegas police department?"

I shifted a little in my seat. The truth should be
easier than this.

"Yes, I am."

The machine is turned off. She approaches me to start
unhooking the wires. I don't want her touching me so I
do it myself.

"I got it."

She gives me a practiced smile.

"Thank you for your cooperation. The results go to the
Sheriff's office. He will inform you when the report
is completed."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for nothing."  I mutter as I
move at the speed of light to get out of there. I turn
the corner and walk smack into Atwater. This guy is
really starting to get on my nerves.

"How'd it go, Rick?"

"It's CSI Brown to you." Just a few people call me
"Rick". I don't want him using it. It really shakes
me. We are talking the hairs standing up on the back
on my neck type of feeling.

He smiles at me and I feel nauseous. After a moment he
realizes I'm not going to answer him.

"OK, I'll catch you later. After the results are
analyzed, we'll have a little.chat."

He walks pass me and I let my breath out. I hadn't
realized I was holding it. I'm heading towards
Grissom's office when Sara stops me.

"Hey, I heard you were polygraphed. What did they want
to know?" She asks with just a hint of glee in her
voice.

I'm trying to hold it together. I'm definitely on
shaky ground. "They're giving me shit about the Lyford
case. Have you seen Grissom?"

For a split second her face changes to a hard mask.
She would have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to have
noticed the change in our dynamic. Gil and I have
tried very hard to be discreet. No one has said
anything that I know of, at least not to my face.

"He's in the lab. He and Greg are looking at the
samples from the sexual assault from yesterday. What's
going on?" She asks again.

"Nothing. Thanks." I move pass her and head for the
lab. I see him hunched over the microscope, lost in
his own microscopic world. The joy he gets from his
work radiates off of him in moments like these. Too
bad I have to ruin it.

He looks up as if he knows I'm there. Almost six
months down the line and he still looks at me with a
noticeable spark. I hope that never changes. He comes
outside to me and gives me his traditional greeting.
He rubs my stomach with the back of his hand. Just for
a second we are physically connected. Then it's back
to "work world".

"Are you OK?" He asks me that like I'm an easily
frightened animal. I knew it. Once he found out about
the anxiety attacks he would look at me differently
like I'm some nut case. To say I'm disappointed is the
understatement of the millennium.

"I'm not going to fall apart Grissom. I'm fine. The
test is over. You said to let you know." I walk away
before he can say anything.

I head for the locker room to throw some water on my
face. I lied to him. I'm not fine. I feel like a bowl
of Jell-O inside. I take an extra dose of my medicine
to stop the attack I can fell coming on. I sit down to
gather myself together. I need to think about what the
fuck has happened in the last couple of hours.

I hear Nick's voice calling me.

"Warrick? Can you hear me, man?"

I open my eyes to see him looking at me with real
fright on his face. I shouldn't be looking *up* at him
if I'm sitting on the bench in the locker room. I'm
not there though. I'm on a floor with my back against
the wall in some kind of closet. What the fuck.?

"Stay right there. I'm going to get you some help,
buddy. You'll be alright."

Nick leaves and I can hear voices outside the door. I
should get up and get out of here but I can't make my
body do it. My limbs seem completely disconnected from
the rest of me. My breathing is shallow and uneven. It
doesn't feel like an attack. It feels like I've got a
very weird flu. I'm warm and sluggish with a slamming
headache. I want to ask Nick what's going on but I
can't make my voice come out of my mouth. Something is
very wrong. Again.

Someone comes into the small space and practically
knocks Nick out of the way. I know only one person who
would do that. He is clearly rattled. He leans forward
and kisses my forehead. His hands are on my face,
checking me over.

"Thank God. Oh Ricky. Jesus. How do you feel?"

"Gil, why.." That is all that will come out. I can
think clearly enough but I can't move or speak. Shit.
Am I having a stroke?

"I think you are having a reaction to the medication,
honey. I have to get you to the hospital. Can you
walk?"

I shake my head no. Gil looks more panicky than I've
ever seen him.

He calls over his shoulder to Nick. "Get the
paramedics!"

He takes me into his arms, rubbing my back and
stroking my hair.

"You'll be alright. You have to be. Please."

I manage to put my arms around him and bury my head
into his chest.

"Love you, Gil. Sorry.."

He draws back to look me in the eye. "No no no. I'm
sorry. I should have been with you. I shouldn't have
let you walk away. You took an extra dose of the Xanax
right after the test, right? After you spoke to me?"

"Stupid." I shake my head.

"That's OK. It's OK. It can really fuck with you if
you're not careful. Do you remember what happened?"

"No. Just taking..pill..Nick..here." My breathing is a
little better but not by much.

"Brass saw you in the hallway. He said you looked
drunk. I've been looking for you for over an hour." He
cupped my cheek and I turn to kiss his hand. His eyes
are red and deeply lined. I've managed to age him 10
years in one night. How many times am I going to
subject him to this kind of shit?

He sighs with relief when the EMT's arrive. They and
Gil get me up off the floor. I look around and see
everyone from our shift in the hallway. Then I see
Nick's face. We are so busted. Talk about coming out
of the closet.

I'm taken to the ambulance and checked over. Gil is
never more than three steps away from me the whole
time. As the medication works its way through my
system and I become clearer, I start looking around. I
see Sara, Nick and Greg standing near by. They look so
worried. Somehow that feels good. Brass sticks his
head in the back door of the bus.

"Hey Rick. How ya doing?" Holy shit. He's really
worried. I feel myself smile at him.

"I've been better. I'll be OK in a little while. Thanks."

"Hang in there. Just take it easy." He nods and walks
away. I must look like shit if he doesn't even try for
one of his wisecracks.

My vitals are OK and I am starting to feel more human.
I convince everyone but Gil I don't need to go to the
hospital. He is unusually quiet as I sign the "Refused
Transportation" form. As I walk back to the station, I
feel dozens of eyes on the both of us.

I turn to him and whisper "I guess this is our coming
out party." He tilts his head and gives me a slight
grin. It's not the laugh I had hoped for, but it's a
start.

"I'll take you home." He goes into his office and
turns out the light. As he closes the door, he asks
"Is there anything you need from the locker room?"

It's said with detachment. He is still very shook up.

"No, let's get out of here." I walk out the door and
head for his Tahoe.

I remember vividly the situation I found myself in a
few months ago when I last needed Gil to drive me
somewhere. I was afraid to go to his place because of
what I might say or do to ruin our friendship. That
time we found much more than friendship already
existed between us. Now I'm afraid I've ruined everything.

The ride home is a quiet one. Whatever we have to say
to each other is too important to be distracted by his
trying to drive and talk at the same time. We get to
his place and putter around the house, changing
clothes and straightening up things that could wait.

I catch his eye in the kitchen and he smiles. That is
the last thing I expected.

I've got to test the waters. "Aren't you pissed off at
me?"

 He looks genuinely shocked. "No, why should I be?"

That pisses me off to no end.  "Don't you get it? I wasn't honest with you. I didn't tell you about this
.thing that I have. It's fucking up your life! I
should have told you. I feel like I've been lying to
you the whole time we've been together."

He moves closer to me and lays his hand on my face.

"The truth is very important to you isn't it?" He says
quietly.

I put my hand on top of his. I bring his hand to my
lips and kiss the back of it.

"Yeah it is. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the
attacks. I thought I had gotten a grip on them when we
starting seeing each other. I though they had
stopped." I drop my eyes to the floor. I'm afraid to
look at him. He reaches under my chin and tips my head
back.

"Sweetheart, don't ever be afraid to tell me
something. I want to know everything about you. OK?"

"OK." He takes me in his arms and kisses me for the
first time in two days. He smells musty and sweaty.
It's gorgeous on him. I deepen the kiss and reach down
to his crotch. I start to stroke him when to my
surprise he pushes me away. He is flushed and turned
on but he is hesitating.

He chuckles. "Aren't you still a little off kilter?"

I rub my hot groin against him. "What does that tell
you about the way I feel right now?  Now come here. I
want to." He's still stiff arming me.

"I need to tell you something first."

"Can't it wait?" I reach around him and grab his ass.

I can feel his determination to do this. So I let him
go. He steps back out of my reach and heads for the
couch. He pats the seat next to himself. This must be
serious. I sit down next to him.

He turns to me and starts to speak in his "supervisor
voice".

"First of all, do you know I suffer from migraines?"

"Really? How bad do they get?"

"Once or twice a year they knock me out for a few
days. I had one right before we got together."

"Yeah, I remember you being out for two or three days
around that time. Wow I didn't know."

"I don't want everybody to know. It's just the way I
am. I don't want anybody thinking of me as "sick." I
don't want them to worry about it. I would hate for
someone to inhibit their response to me because of it.
Most of all I didn't want to worry you." He cocks his
chin and levels his eyes at me.

I nod. "Point taken."

His demeanor changes a little. He gets up from the
couch and goes to the window. He turns around and
leans on the sill. His arms are folded in front of
him. I get the feeling this "confession" is about
something I really don't want to hear.

"You remember the day we ran into each other at the
Harley dealership?"

"Of course I do. That day changed my life".  I think I
know what's coming. Oh my God.

"It wasn't an accident was it?"

He drops his head and shakes it no.

"How was it set up?" I'm more curious than angry.

"Gina. I had been talking her ear off about you for.a
long time. She came to my office once, recognized you
and put two and two together. She would call me when
you came into the dealership. She'd call me and yell
at me to get my ass down there. I never went.  I was
afraid you would laugh at me. I knew you were there."
He stops and lets me digest everything he's just said.

"I was supposed to ask you to join us but I chickened
out." He chuckled a little at that.

Holy shit! "The cologne was for me?" I can't help but
smile.

"Yes it was. I remembered you saying you liked it."

"We've been to dinner with Gina a couple of times since then. She plays her cards close the vest, man."
Her behavior that day now makes sense. She was trying
to set us up.

"I know. That's one reason I talk to her. She can keep
a secret."

Now I'm confused. "Why didn't you tell me this
before?'

"I've been hiding this from you. I didn't want you to
think of me as the old lovesick fool that I was. That
I still am."

I go over to him and put my arms around him. Just then
it hits me.

"Gil, we both have to be more honest with each other.
The strain of withholding stuff isn't good for either
of us." He sniffs and put his head on my shoulder.
When he looks up, I see tears in his beautiful eyes.

"You scared me today. I thought I was going to lose
you." He says in a watery whisper.

"Nah. You can't get rid of me that easy." I kiss the
top of his head and just hold him for a few moments.

"Why don't we take a shower and wash off the funk of
the day. I think it would do both of us a lot of
good."

I take his hand and lead him to the bathroom. He
slowly undresses as I prepare the shower. We love
bathing together. It's almost a primitive feeling,
washing your mate. You need a special level of trust
between two people to be that vulnerable. He is naked
now, standing behind me watching me. I can feel his
need in his stare. He is so intense sometimes it's
frightening.

 He starts to undress me once I get the water
temperature right. He loves to be in control of me and
I give it to him willingly. He opens my shirt slowly
like he is unwrapping a present. Then he starts on my
be lt and pants. He's looking at me with so much hunger.

When I'm completely undressed he starts sniffing me.
My lover reminds me of a tiger. He lays back in the
shadows and shade, observing, waiting to strike. Then
he takes what he wants, when he wants it. All that
power, grace and beauty right here in front of me. I
don't deserve to be in the same room with him.
Sometimes I don't really understand why a man like him
wants me.

He sniffs me all over, licking my neck and chewing on
my clavicle. He loves to bite. He has left his teeth
marks on every part of my body. It's been hard work
hiding them in the shower. When I say every part I
mean EVERY PART. The first time he bit my balls I
nearly went through the ceiling of the condo. He loves
to cause me pain then soothe it away. He tells me I'm
beautiful when I hurt. At first I didn't like it. I
did it for him. I've had my little quirks over the
years but I've never really been into "games." Now I
crave it too. I like not knowing what he'll do to me.
He would never really hurt me. I trust him that much.

We get in the shower and soap up. He hasn't said a
word since we came into the bathroom. He's hard as a
rock and breathing heavy. I'm in trouble. He has a lot
of emotion to release which means I will be sore all
over tomorrow. He washes my back first grabbing my
ass. Hard.

"You're mine, aren't you? I can do what I want with
you. Like this." He smacks my right ass cheek and I
arch my back in shock. I hear him gasp in pleasure. He
leans closer to me, his chest on my back. His cock is
poking me in between my legs. He bites my shoulder
blade and licks the pain away. He presses me against
the wall. He takes my hands, pulls them over my head
and wraps them around the shower head. Then I feel his
fingers probing my asshole. I know what he wants.

"I need to be inside of you."

He moans against the back of my neck. I've never been
fucked. He has let me do it to him. I just couldn't
before now. This is the right moment.

"Take me Gil. Come inside of me and make me yours.
Completely."

He cleans and stretches me as much as possible. The
sensations are so erotic I almost come just from this.
He stops and takes my hands down from over my head. He
turns me around to face him. Stroking my cock and
squeezing my balls he leads me out of the shower. His
rough handling of my nuts has caused stars to appear
before my eyes. I attack him kissing him with all my
might, dragging my nails down his back. I'm holding on
for dear life. I feel the cool air on my skin as he
maneuvers us into the bedroom.

"We'll get the sheets wet" I state needlessly.

"They'll dry." His voice is so thick with lust it
makes my dick even harder.

He pushes me onto the bed on my back. I spread my legs
and reach up to him. He lays his entire weight on me
and I love it. What is the use of being with a man if
you don't feel all of him? I wrap my legs around his
waist. He shakes his head no.

"First you get what you need, then I get what I want."
His smile is positively ferocious. He slides down the
bed to my groin. I'm so hard my cock is sticking
straight up in the air. He gets up on his knees and
looks down on me. He's stroking his cock with one hand
and playing with my balls with the other.

"You want me to suck it don't you?"

I nod yes. "Please suck my cock. I need it. Please."

He loves to hear me beg. It works. When he puts his
mouth is on my cock, I leave this realm. He can deep
throat me like nobody ever has. He licks my balls and
chews on my perineum. I open my legs wider to
encourage him. He stops long enough to reach into the
night table drawer. He makes a show of putting
lubrication all over on his hand. As he sucks and
jerks my boiling hot dick, he starts preparing me.  He
strokes me faster and faster with his right hand as
the fingers from the left hand disappear inside of me.

"It's so good. God please.." Words? What are they?

"Please what? What do you want?  Tell me." He's got me
banging my head on the pillow.

"I need to come, Gil. Now. Let me come." He strokes me
inside and out then rips his fingers out of my ass.
The shock sends me over the edge. Jesus.

He lies down next to me and watches me ride out my
orgasm. He has a big ear to ear smile on his face.
He's so proud of his ability to torture me with
pleasure. I'm breathing like I just ran a marathon. A
few minutes go by and I grab his cock.

"Come on let's get you happy." We kiss like we've
discovered gold in each other's teeth. I move to put a
pillow under my hips. He stops me.

"No honey, not like this. It's easier the other way
for your first time. Turn over."

"Don't you want to see my face when you push your big
cock into me? Don't you want to see how much it hurts
me to be fucked?" God, I'm starting to get hard again.

He closes his eyes and takes two deep breaths. He
squeezes the base of his cock to try and hold back.
Hey, I know how to push his buttons. I helped install
them. He moves to the end of the bed and gets in
between my legs. He grabs my ankles and drags me
towards him. He lifts me up and places each leg around
his hips. I close my eyes as I feel the head on his
cock try to breach me. When it does, I'm stunned into
silence by the pain. I knew it would hurt, but DAMN.

"Oh God, yes. You're so tight, Ricky. I'm the first
person to do this to you. I'm the only one to have you
like this. Ever. Oh yes. Jesus." He's not thrusting
yet. God help me when he does. He rubs my stomach and
strokes my nipples.

"Relax. I know it hurts. Deep breaths, baby." He's
right. It helps.

He shoves himself into me in one stroke. I let out a noise that the neighbors *must* have heard. He pulls
out and does it again and again. My dick deflates from
the pain. He's lost in his own world. The pain has
lessened but this is not doing it for me. My pleasure
comes from watching him get off.

"Oh God, this is what I needed. I needed to take you.
To love you. Love me."

I pull him towards me. "I love you Gil. This is where
you belong."

He lets out a growl, rears up and grabs my hips
thrusting into me faster and faster. I'm losing my
breath. He reaches down and strokes my half hard cock.
He starts chanting curse words as he moves closer and
closer to coming. His cock strokes my prostate.

Oh NOW I get it. It was like a lightening bolt through
by whole body. He must have realized what happened
because he angles himself to do it again. Oh yes keep
doing that.

He thrusts into me one last time and goes completely
still. I can feel him spilling into me. He collapses
on top of me and put my arms around him.

"I love you Gil. Always."

"Uh, uh."

This is his heartfelt response to my declaration of
love.

He disengages from me and rolls to the side. Instantly
I feel the pain in my ass. A lot. I'm also cold from
the air conditioning being in high and I'm still wet
from the shower. Not the post coital effect I was
aiming for. I think Gil has at least two of the same
problems. He smiles at me.

"Cold and wet?" he chuckles.

"Yeah. The sheets are sticky. Let's clean up and go to
the living room. We'll change the bed later." He
kisses me quickly.

"Good idea." He gets up and I move to follow. Damn
this hurts. I must have gasped because he is looking
at me.

"How bad is it?" He sounds so worried. God, I love
him.

"I'm OK just give me a minute." I smile at him.
"You're an animal. El Tigre".

He snorts and helps me up off the bed. On the way to
the bathroom, I replay this afternoon in my head.

"Hey, what happened with the sheriff? Did you get to
speak to him?"

He nods. "Yep, we had a nice conversation. I'll tell
you about it after we finish here."

We clean up and put on fresh clothes. We snuggle up on
the couch. He likes to put his head in my lap with his
feet hanging over the arm. He loves for me to scratch
his scalp while he practically purrs. Like I said
before, my lover is really a cat disguised as a
forensic scientist. I look down at him. He's smiling
again.

"So? What do you have on him? Is he going to leave us
alone?"

"Yeah I think he will. He's been in this position
before."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Gina's brother in law is a U.S. Marshal named Samuel
Gerard. Samuel fell in love with a man who works on
his squad named Noah Newman. A very handsome, much
younger man. Sound familiar?" He grins at me with a
purpose. I smile back at him.

"Atwater was a U.S. Marshal before he took over here,
right?"

"He was their boss."

"Go on."  I don't like the sound of this.

"He tried to get Noah fired on some trumped up charge.
It was plain as day what he was up to. He was severely
reprimanded. It got so bad he left before his twenty
years were up."

The anger I feel boils over. "What the fuck is this
asshole's problem? Homophobic power- tripping
motherfucker!" I spit out.

Gil sits up and turns towards me. "Haven't you figured
it out yet? He wanted Noah for   himself. He saw him
with an older man and he felt rejected. He wanted to
punish him for that rejection."

"Atwater is married with three kids, Gil. He can't be
gay." He dips his head and gives that "you've got to
be kidding look". "What you're saying is he's doing
all of this to get back at me for not wanting him. Oh
get real!! He's never even approached me or made a
pass."

"He's not the type to be overt. He may not even be
aware of his true motivation. Think about it. Have you
ever felt uncomfortable around him and can't figure
out why?"he questions.

He's right. The discomfort I feel around Atwater. I've
caught him looking at me with something I couldn't
identify in his expression. Now I know what it was.
Desire. Ugh.

"Damn. How did you know?"

"I knew about what happened in Chicago. I thought the
same thing might be happening here when he reassigned
you to his office. When I saw the way he looked at you
in the locker room I knew I was right. I told him if
he kept pushing I would make sure the press got a hold
of the whole story. The situation in Chicago was
buried by the Marshal's office. Nothing was made
public at the time. There are, however, notes in his
file and that's how they forced him out. That's why it
was so important for you to tell the truth. If it's a
matter of record, he can't deny it later. The one
thing Atwater truly fears is public scrutiny. Can you
imagine how many times he's attempted to do something
like this in his career?" He finished his piece, but
there was something else.

I stroke my hand through his hair. "What is it, baby?"

He blushes lightly. "I feel a little guilty because
I'm almost as bad as Atwater. I've probably looked at
you the same way he did at some point before we got
together." I take his hand and twine our fingers
together.

"Oh baby. That's OK I know I did my share of gawking.
Listen; are they still together? Samuel and Noah?"

He smiles. "Ten years and counting. Sam is retiring
soon and they are moving here. Noah is joining the FBI
to work in the Las Vegas field office. Maybe we'll get
to meet them someday."

"That sounds good. I'd like that." I lean over and
kiss his cheek.

"I wish I had known how you felt. We wasted so much
time."

He grins at me.

He starts to nibble on my ear and grins at me. "You
can make it up to me."

"No way, man. I can't blink without pain right now.
You'll have to wait a long time before we do that
again." I push him away as he tries to pin me down.

"I'll tell Atwater you left me and that you find him
attractive."

I stop fighting him. "Do your worst. Fuck me raw if
you want, just keep that piece of shit away from me."

He sniffs my hair and neck. He licks my face with long
strokes of his tongue.

I laugh at him. "El Tigre."

"Roar!"

I can't help but give in to him. He's saved my life in
so many ways. I don't need to run anymore. Being loved
by Gil has given a life I never knew I could have. The
truth of his love for me, and my love for him, has
given me freedom.

The End

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