Title: Do Not Go Gentle
Author: nicky69
Summary: In their own seperate ways both Nick and Gil struggle to overcome the horrors that have engulfed them.
Spoilers Grave Danger
Pairing: Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes
Rating: 15 to be on the safe side
Author's Notes: Betaed by the lovely elmyraemilie Any mistakes you find are my own.
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI, CBS does. I'm only playing in their sandbox

As he listened to the fan which supplied his precious air sputter and die, Nick felt the last sliver of his hope die too.

From the very first moment when he awakened, groggy and confused, in this Plexiglas tomb he had been fighting.

He had fought his own rising panic as he listened to his kidnapper's taunting words. The words of a stranger who had shattered his life and taken him from his love and now condemned him to death.

For a short time he had lost that battle, giving in to his horror and fear at this monstrous imprisonment. As the reality of his situation had sunk in, he had felt his breath shorten and his chest tighten. Gravity itself seemed to turn against him as it crushed his lungs and stole his air.

He couldn't help the animal scream that escaped his lips as second by second the trap that he had fallen into seemed to close around him and rob him of his hope.

But somehow, he had managed to pull it together. For the sake of his lover, he had fought the panic that threatened to take away his sanity and had held on to hope. The hope that he would see Gil's face again; would hold him, touch him, and make love to him.

Lying there in the darkness, he had swallowed his fears that no one would find him.

He believed in his friends.

When the light came on, illuminating his prison, ratcheting up the heat in the box and stealing his air, he fought back again.

Shooting out the light made him feel good. It gave him a sense of control, even if it was only for a little time.

However, eventually, that feeling of euphoria had faded. As the hours crept by, the realization that he would die here had grown in his consciousness.

He couldn't let those he loved carry the guilt that they had let him down--as he had let them down.

He had been so stupid. He had let his guard down and now here he was, trapped like a rat. God only knew how they were coping, but he couldn't let them shoulder the blame for his mistake.

Determined now to leave a message of love for those who meant so much to him, he fought back his own terror and pain, as he had done so many times before in his life.

In a voice hoarse with emotion, he told his parents how much he loved them and would miss them. He told his friends that they shouldn't feel bad, because he knew they did their best to find him. And finally, struggling to find the words he told his lover that he never meant to disappoint him.

Then the ants had come.

He thought before that things couldn't get any worse; how wrong he had been. Even as he tried to do the right thing, to lie still, he knew that he was fighting a losing battle.

Their numbers overwhelmed him, and the feel of their tiny feet all over his body incited a primal need to thrash and scream. But despite the pain, despite his revulsion at their presence, he held on.

Now though, with the fan gone and his only means of air with it, he felt something inside him weaken and break. It would be so much easier just to put his gun to his head and end it all.

With a strangled gasp, he jerked his trembling hand to just below his chin.

The gun felt heavy with the weight of his decision, but he held firm. This was right, he was sure of it. All of his struggling had been in vain. No one would find him now. It was too late.

But before he could make himself pull the trigger, his lover's face, Gil's face swam into his mind's eye.

How easily he could see now the consequences of the action that he was about to take. He could see before him Gil broken and alone, withdrawing from the world around him, drowning in his grief.

It was not conceit on Nick's part that prompted this belief, but a complete understanding of Gil Grissom. Inside and out Nick knew Gil like he knew himself, and he knew in his heart how much he meant to his lover; because he felt the same about Gil.

He would die for Gil Grissom.

The clarity that came with that one simple truth was startling in its intensity. The gun, previously such a heavy weight in his hand seemed no longer quite such a burden. The fears and doubts which had sapped his strength no longer had the power to overwhelm him. Nick blew out the breath that he had subconsciously been holding and let his grip on the weapon loosen a little. Yes, if need be he would die for his lover, but today it was more important that he live for him.

So he dug deep inside himself, to the very core of his very being, his love for Gil; and once again, he found the strength to carry on the fight.

For his love, he would endure.

***************************************************

As he watched Sara run to find the file on Kelly Gordon, Gil Grissom felt hope surge in his chest and fight back the despair that threatened to swallow him whole.

From the moment that he had found out that Nick was missing from his crime scene Gil Grissom had been fighting. He had fought back his disbelief and anger. How could something like this happen, when a cop was not more than twenty feet away?

How could the man possibly have missed Nick being stolen away in the night? Why had he taken his eyes off the CSI who was under his care; didn't he know how precious Nicky was?

Of course, he had realized he was being unreasonable, but damn it, Nicky was gone! His lover was gone and Gil had felt his world starting to crumble around him.

As he had examined the scene with Catherine, he had to fight down the nausea that threatened to claim him. He had pushed his anxiety and apprehension away. He had put on his game face and gone to work.

Back at the lab, as the team gathered together to discuss the meager evidence that they had accumulated, he had fought again to maintain his calm and follow the evidence, it was what he did. It would lead him to Nicky, it had to. He had almost convinced himself that everything would be okay when the messenger had arrived with his grim delivery and shot down what little hope remained.

Watching as the screen filled with the image of his lover; it had taken a second for the entire picture to soak into his shocked consciousness. Nick was trapped in what could only be called a coffin. He had been buried alive!

For a brief second, Gil had felt the world shift under his feet as shock set in; but then he had gritted his teeth and set to work. He had needed to be strong in the face of the horror that Nick was suffering.

He had forced himself to watch and try to learn all that he could from the video feed, even though it broke his heart to see his love in such pain. Nicky had been so scared. Gil had read it in his eyes, and all he wanted to do was pull Nick into his arms and hold him there forever and keep him safe.

When all of their leads turned up only dead ends and the city refused to pay the ransom Gil had felt angry beyond belief. Did these pencil pushers not know the true value of what was at stake? Nick Stokes was irreplaceable in every way and Gil would fight tooth and nail to find him and bring him back. Thank God, that Catherine felt the same way too.

"What does Nick Stokes mean to you?" The kidnapper had asked him.

Swallowing hard he had fought down his own feelings of revulsion at having to deal with this monster. Even as his every instinct screamed at him to charge, to rend, to batter this fiend until he disclosed Nick's location, Gil had stayed his hand and for his lover's sake been polite to the beast. In the end, it made no difference. The madman had blown himself up taking Nick's location to the grave with him.

As he sat on the stairs of the ambulance, his ears ringing from the aftermath of the explosion he had finally given in to the despair that was threatening to drown him. But not for long. If Nicky did not have the luxury of despair then neither did he; so he had swallowed his despondency and gone back to the lab to resume the search.

As he had kept vigil with the others and watched as Nick left messages of love for his parents, his friends and for Gil himself; the reality of the situation crashed fully into Gil's awareness for the first time.

He had always assumed that he would be the first one of them to die. It was a logical assumption considering their ages, but as he sat there watching Nicky say his farewells, Gil had a brief glimpse of what the future had in store for him should they fail to save his beloved. He could see his life falling into patterns of old; work and bugs and nothing more. A sterile existence bereft of meaning or warmth. He knew that no one could ever replace Nick and if Nick were gone, then he would only ever be going through the motions of life. His body would carry on, but his heart and his spirit would be forever, entombed with his love.

Then the ants came.

He had thought that things couldn't get any worse for Nick; how wrong he had been. But even as the tiny creatures brought unimaginable pain, they also brought salvation. Gil studied the invaders and used his knowledge to help find Nick's location. And as they flew through the endless, unforgiving night, Gil fought down his fears that they would be too late to save his beloved.

If Nick could hang on through all the pain and the fear and the hopelessness, then so could he. So he dug deep inside himself, to the very core of his very being, his love for Nick; and once again, he found the strength to carry on the fight.

For his love, he would endure.

**********************************************************

As she watches from the shadows of the hospital room doorway, Catherine Willows finds herself witness to a scene of such unexpected tenderness that it almost takes her breath away.

Lying on the bed Nick has eyes only for Gil Grissom and the love that shines from his battered and bitten face is clear for all to see.

His hand clutches Gil's with the strength of a drowning man's grasping for a lifeline and Gil returns that desperate embrace with one of his own.

Gone is the distant, emotionless man that others see and in his place is a man who has watched his lover suffer beyond expression and who has suffered with him.

Leaning over the bed, Gil whispers simple words of love and reassurance to Nick, fingers reaching tentatively up to trace his lover's face, as if to convince himself that he is real.

They came so close to losing each other that everything else simply falls by the wayside. They no longer care who finds out about their relationship or the possible consequences. Those are worries for another day.

All that matters is that they are together again. That they can feel the beat of the other's heart beneath their hand and revel in the warmth of their touch.

They have been dragged through a Hell not of their making and been carried out by the strength of their love for each other.

They have raged against the demons and the darkness that threatened to destroy them and against the injustice of it all.

For their love, they have endured.

AN: The title of this story is taken fron the wonderful poem, "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" by Dylan Thomas, which can be found here: http://www.bigeye.com/donotgo.htm