Title: The Double Life of Gil
Author: podga
Pairing: Gil Grissom/Nick Stokes
Warning: PG
Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me and I don't make money off of them
Summary: Gil tries to find a balance. (Sequel to Don Quixote)
Feedback is, as ever, welcome!

For the first time in as long as he can remember, Gil doesn't look forward to going to work. If he doesn't get called straight to a case, he almost has to force himself to get ready and get in his truck for the short ride to the lab. Once he parks, he turns off the engine and sits in the darkness for a while, psyching himself to climb out and walk into the building. He's started being late, never more than five minutes or so, but it bothers him.

His team is no longer "his" as it was before. Catherine is barely speaking to him, Sara is sullen and disinterested. Even Warrick and Greg are distant. Although it's starting to get better, there are still sudden silences and sidelong glances when he walks into a room. He wonders what bothers them most; the fact that he asked for a transfer or the fact that he didn't consult with them about it first. Either way, he's losing patience waiting for them to get over it.

The cases are the same as ever: appalling, heart-breaking, sordid, ordinary, sometimes all rolled into one. The suspects sometimes surprise him with their motives, but more often not. All the same, he finds himself unable to maintain the emotional distance he managed in the past (even though he'd never been as unfeeling as most seemed to think). It's as if the emotions he's allowing to rule one part of his life are leaking into other parts as well, clouding his judgment.

Through it all, he's aware of Ecklie watching him. Gil knows he still owes Ecklie an answer about his intentions, but he doesn't have one to give. Instead, out of a vague sense of gratitude and obligation, he makes an effort with the paperwork and with attending the various departmental meetings. Compliance with bureaucratic requirements doesn't exactly add to his job satisfaction at this point, he thinks wryly, but at least it keeps his options open.

But Gil isn't complaining. For the first time in a long time, work isn't the main - the only - priority in his life. When he drives home at the end of his shift, it's no longer simply about getting some sleep and pursuing the solitary interests that ground him and recharge his batteries, so that he can continue to be effective at work. He still sleeps, he still reads and listens to music and solves crossword puzzles and studies insects, but there's more now. There's Nick.

They're taking it slow, discovering each other and exploring what they have. They're careful about maintaining their separate activities and interests, both unwilling to simply dive in as they might have done when they were younger and there was less at stake. So they've seen a couple of movies, tried each other's favorite restaurant. If Gil counts the hours they've actually spent together outside work, they don't add up to much. But somehow they fill his life.

Nick has come to Gil's house twice, once right after shift and once after dinner together. During sex Gil holds nothing back, expressing through kisses and caresses everything he cannot say in words. Afterwards, as they lie entangled, he luxuriates in the heat, the damp sheets and the lingering smells of sex. His heart swells with a pleasure and contentment he doesn't remember ever having felt before, and he tightens his grip on Nick.

Gil accepts that ambiguity and compromise are a part of life, but he doesn't necessarily like it. It's not his way to dwell in gray areas, not to try and resolve complex situations. He fights to keep his personal and professional lives separate, although he knows it's simply not possible, that he's crossed lines he shouldn't have. And yet, if he's really honest with himself, this time he doesn't care. He surrenders to what he wants, not what he must.