Title: Falling From Grace
By: Mickeylover303
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: R
Words: 1186
Summary: It was a cycle he didn't know how to stop - wasn't sure if he even wanted to - but Greg wasn't thinking of love.

***

It was painful the first time.

 

A tangible pain that became an emotional maelstrom, it almost engulfed the physical ache that began to take refuge in the back of Greg's mind.

 

They didn't know what they were doing then and Greg still wasn't sure of what they were doing now. But he could clearly remember the trepidation in Nick's eyes, lines marring the older man's forehead as he held himself over Greg. Remember tightly holding on to Nick's arm, hands trembling as he tried to relax his body. No, he wouldn't forget the awkward tension that served as a barrier between them; short pants and soft gasps diminishing into a silence that eventually left Greg waking up alone the next day.

 

And now...now it was almost like a routine; a monotonous set of motions that left Greg questioning when his relationship with Nick had changed.

 

Still, somehow he found a way to lie to himself, found a way to ignore the tentative beginnings that were reduced to nothing more than an exchange of flesh. It was a tacit agreement between them revolving around convenience; becoming a release they both needed. The smell of sex that couldn't be washed away, nights in Greg's bed that echoed on the walls but remained silent outside of his room. And somewhere along the line, Greg found himself craving more – yearning for something he was afraid to put a name to and yearning for something that was unrequited.

 

Three months later and Greg was still waiting for the recognition of what would never come.  But Greg couldn't be angry, wouldn't fault Nick for something the older man didn't know. And that was okay. It would have to be because Greg had already made due and learned to take his situation with Nick as is. He'd suffered enough rejection in his life to appreciate even this.

 

Because he'd rather indulge in what he had now; when his naked body was flushed against Nick's – trying to hold on and biting back a silent cry as he pressed his groin into the other man's.  And he would be able to suppress his anger, his fear of rejection and just take from Nick what he was given.

 

Though, sometimes Greg did wonder where he would be if Sara didn't see through his hero-worship for her that ultimately pushed him toward Nick; if they would have been in the same position that he and Nick were in now. And Greg would try to replace the flat chest beneath him, disregard the callous thumb playing with his bottom lip, and not react to the hand gripping his hip hard enough to leave a mark by tomorrow. But no matter how many times he closed his eyes, he found he couldn't; the image of Sara sometimes never appearing and always interchanged with someone who had suddenly become frighteningly familiar.

 

Greg bit down on Nick's shoulder, teeth lightly grazing a small patch of skin. And he couldn't help but feel vindictive when he heard the other man's strangled moan of ecstasy and pain; imagining Nick's eyes rolling to the back of his head as the older man tightened the grip around his torso. He wouldn't allow himself to feel bad about it, to have this one thing because that's all he really had.

 

It was the closest he was able to get; sometimes the most control Nick would let him have before the other man finally pushed away. And Greg would catch the slightest glimpse of vulnerability in Nick's eyes; closing his own and understanding the other man was holding onto an ideal he would never be. But Greg didn't want that perfection, that someone who was infallible and without flaws. And it frustrated him because Greg didn't care about the scars Nick was trying to hide, the unblemished image the older man was trying to portray.

 

Because whoever Nick thought he was, what he didn't want other people to see – that's what Greg wanted.

 

Greg moaned when he felt Nick's hands on his face, taking his head away from Nick's neck and forcing their mouths together in a harsh meeting of lips. He found himself releasing a small moan, realising that even now, Nick still couldn't let himself go. And when he felt Nick's tongue in his mouth, Greg knew the situation would always be the same; the beat of another unspoken rule moving their bodies to the only dance they knew. The other man was bucking beneath him, making Greg jerk above him before Nick rolled Greg over to his back.

 

His eyes started to close, lids drooping and vision darkening at the corners. Greg was fighting a losing battle, what little control he had disappearing as he gave into the sensation; forgoing the last vestiges of coherency. He felt Nick's hand taking a hold of his shoulder, kneading the skin before reaching beneath it. The hand trailed down his back, cupping his ass and slightly lifting Greg as Nick compelled their bodies even closer together. And he could feel his heartbeat, Nick's heartbeat; both tangled somewhere in the perspiration dripping from their skin – warm, slick, and making it seem impossible to get any kind of friction.

 

But Greg had already expected it. Preparing for it ahead of time made him feel less like an object; less like a fool that was being taken advantage of. Or maybe there was some part of him that even understood it; saw it in those rare and fleeting moments where Nick was exposed, desperate glances that helped Greg to understand the warped dynamic between them. And then he would comprehend it, realise that it was because he was the one who could lose control, whereas for some reason Nick...

 

Nick couldn't afford to.

 

But just once he wished he wasn't the only one. Just once, Greg wished Nick didn't think he needed to be as guarded around him; would one day be comfortable enough to let go. And maybe then Greg wouldn't have to feel so alone.

 

He gasped, not expecting when Nick thrust sharply against him; almost as if the older man knew what he was thinking and wanted to dispel his thoughts. Using his weight, Nick pressed Greg hard enough against the mattress to make his stomach curl, muscles contracting as he felt a small whine escape him. He heard Nick grunt above him before finally slumping on top of him; head resting in the crook of his neck. Reaching for Nick's hair, Greg clutched the short strands tightly as he used his other arm to wrap around Nick; no intention of letting the older man go.

 

Maybe it wasn't exactly what he wanted, whatever it was that was between them. And in the silence that followed, sometimes Greg could pretend he knew what he wanted. When Nick was resting above him, he could imagine that at least this aspect of their relationship was real; that there was a closeness and kind of intimacy they didn't have to feign. And maybe someday it would be, even if it wasn't now.

 

But Greg thought it was worth waiting for.