Title: Stages of Grief
Author: Bj Jones
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. Never will. They are owned by various executives, producers, writers and studios who have more lawyers on retainer than I want to mess with. Not making any money off of this, believe me. I promise to return them when I’m done….maybe.
Summary: Gil goes through six of the seven stages as he watches his lover on the monitor.
Beta: Star (Gil)
Genre: Slash
Author’s Note: Takes place in Grave Danger. *glares at sis* 2 bunnies in 3 hours….. my poor keyboard. Told from Gil’s POV


~*~

It was my worst nightmare. Even worse than the moment I realized I was losing my hearing. My heart stopped when Catherine showed up at my office to tell me, that one of our own was missing. At first I had thought she meant one of the cops, office staff, someone from the sheriff's department. As I stood up to grab my gear, she sat me back down. That was when I knew it was worse.

Nicky.

Anyone but Nicky.

I was in shock. There hadn't been a case like this before, one so closely attached to the staff, to the team, to me. I cursed God and Fate; hadn't Nick been through enough? As far as I was concerned, God and Fate owed him, or did they forget Nigel fucking Crane?

But what I felt then was nothing to what to what I was feeling now. As I stared at the screen watching Nick thrashing in that plastic box, I refused to see it as a coffin. It physically hurt. All I wanted to do was reach up and soothe him, tell him everything was going to be alright. I was going to find him and bring him home.

Then lock him in the house and never let him go. I could get Baxter to guard him, attack anything that went within five feet of the Texan.

Nick was very loved, and not just by me. There was no man, woman or child in the lab that didn't swoon at his smile and charm. Even Sara had succumbed in the end to his charm. They all did. Each and every last one of them.

As the shock and pain wore off, unadulterated Anger swept through me. My hands gripped the table with such force I was surprised I didn't break it. There weren't many things in this world that pissed me off.

The years I spent working as a CSI has made me hard and cold. I've been accused of being a recluse, a robot, an unemotional bastard. I learned early if I was to survive this job, I needed to focus on the science, not on the emotion. I've stressed continuously to my team, don't let the emotions take over, that they needed to focus on the evidence. The how not the why.

But we all have our trigger points. Mine has always been cases with kids, and in some ways I think all of us feel the emotions during cases that deal with children. There are days I watch Nick struggle not to let his emotions seep into the case, but in the end it's what makes him the great CSI he is. He uses his emotions to figure out the why, and then uses it to show the how.

I swore to myself the day I looked up and saw all the emotion gone while Nick worked a case was the day I was going to retire, and take him with me. Because I might be a heartless robot, but Nick is what keeps all of us human.

I turned and walked away from the AV room. I couldn't sit there and watch. My mind was taking me places I didn't want to go. I refused to think of the what ifs. The thought of losing Nicky just sends me down a path that I'm not sure I can come back from. I sat in my office, digging through cases, files, maps, anything to see if I could find that missing connection.

When Catherine dropped the bag of money on my desk, I felt as if maybe we were finally getting somewhere.

I stood in the dark decrepit warehouse. All I wanted was Nick back. I listened as he rambled about injustice for his daughter. Injustice.

Injustice is an innocent man trapped in hell because of some sick bastard and their idealistic concepts of revenge.

Injustice was hearing the ringing in my ears as he destroyed my hope of getting Nick back.

When I got back to the lab, I found Warrick curled against the AV wall, tears running down his face. I sat down next to him. I was so caught up in my own fears that I forgot Nick is loved by all. He told me about the gun, thinking he was going to watch his best friend die at his own hands.

We sat there for a few moments, both lost in our own thoughts. I looked up at the screen to see Nick struggling again. I had thought he had got past the panic stage, then I looked closer; something was crawling on him.

Ants.

I knew ants. How they thought, lived, their habits, their types, their homes...more importantly where they lived.

I waited until one crawled into my view and snapped a picture of the little tiny piece of evidence that could save Nick.

~*~

I haven't moved from his side since I got to the hospital. I've watched everyone at the lab come and go, watched as his parents fussed over him, watched as the doctors took care of the wounds, and watched Nicky sleep.

Very few knew about Nick's and mine relationship, and we planned on keeping it that way. His parents knew, along with our close friends. I slipped my hand under his and held it gently, wary of the bites. There were going to be major effects from the past twenty-four hours. The doctors had already talked his ear off about claustrophobia, fear of bugs, which Gil couldn't help but find the irony in that potential situation, and physical affects of all the ant venom in his body.

Nick blinked a few times then looked over at me, and he gave me a small smile. "Hi."

I just smiled back, biting back the tears as I squeezed his hand, and returned his greeting with a soft kiss to the lips, "Hi back."