Title: Above Ground
Author: podga

Pairing: Gil Grissom/Nick Stokes
Rating: PG-13
Warning: No spoilers, unless you don't know whether Nick survived "Grave Danger"
Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me and I don't make money off of them
Summary: Gil loses Nick.

When Nick first returns home from the hospital, all he wants to do is sleep. After shift, he drives home, takes off his clothes and crawls into bed, drawing the covers tightly around him. He's asleep almost instantly. He doesn't dream. He barely moves.

Gil wants to come over a couple of times, but Nick dissuades him. He doesn't want Gil around. He doesn't want anybody around. He just wants to be left alone. As shift winds down, he'll start making plans to go to the gym or to a movie. But once in his truck, he invariably finds himself going straight back home. On the way, he promises himself that he'll at least fix himself a decent meal or do the laundry. He doesn't do that either. He just sleeps.

After a while, he doesn't sleep quite so much, but he also doesn't really feel like doing anything and he still prefers being left alone. On his days off, he'll lie on the couch flicking through the sports channels. He watches baseball, tennis, bowling; hell, he even watches synchronized swimming and can now recognize the difference between a descending and a continuous spin.

Finally, he's pretty much back to normal. Even went paragliding yesterday. He didn't enjoy it very much and when a thermal carried him too high, he was more scared than excited. Still, it felt good to be out and about again.

"Why don't you come by after shift?"

The invitation catches Nick off guard. He's alone in the lab, studying photos of blood spatter, when Gil sticks his head around the door.

"Uh, I don't think so, Gil. I have some things to do."

He sees the flash of anger in Gil's eyes and looks down at his photos again. He hears the door click shut and looks up to see Gil standing inside the lab.

"Is something wrong?" Gil asks.

"Nope. Everything's fine," Nick responds brightly.

"Everything's fine. So what's with the Greta Garbo act?"

"I don't know what you mean," Nick says. He's starting to feel irritated, caged in. He doesn't want to stand here and be interrogated by Gil. "I'll come over tomorrow."

Gil doesn't answer immediately, just continues staring at Nick.

"Tomorrow," Nick repeats, his voice a bit higher than he'd like it and finally Gil turns around and walks out of the lab.

Nick glides to a stop and turns the engine off. He looks at Gil's house and he feels like it's been a long, long time since he was here last. He suddenly realizes that he feels the same way he felt when he returned home for the summer after his first year at college: he was glad to be back, but he also knew that it was just for a visit because he'd moved on, his home didn't hold his future. He swallows hard and turns off the engine.

He's reaching for the doorbell, when Gil opens the door and steps silently aside to let Nick in.

"Hey Gil," Nick says. He digs his hands into the back pockets of his jeans and stands in the entranceway, unwilling to move further into the house.

"Hi Nick."

Gil looks good. He's wearing a light blue, short-sleeved shirt and his hair is a bit messy, just how Nick loves to see it. He looks tired though, Nick thinks. The entranceway is dim, cool and quiet and Nick shivers slightly, even though he's not really cold.

"Would you like to move into the living room or the kitchen?" Gil asks in a formal tone.

"No, I... I can't really stay."

"Why not?"

"Something came up."

"I see. More things to do." If Nick didn't know Gil better, he'd think Gil was being patient. But he does know Gil better, and Gil is angry.

"Look, I'm sorry, but..."

"Are you really?" Gil interrupts.

No, Nick wants to answer, because you keep on pushing and pushing. Which isn't really fair, because actually Gil is one of the few people who's given Nick his space right from the beginning.

"Yes, of course I am! It's just that I don't want... I don't want to..." He doesn't really know how to finish the sentence. He doesn't want to be with Gil, but he doesn't know why, and he doesn't want to hurt Gil's feelings, either.

Gil takes a deep breath and crosses his arms across his chest. "Don't want to be here," he finishes Nick's sentence quietly.

"Look Gil, it's not you," Nick says in a rush, then stops again. God how trite, what is he going to say next, 'it's me'?

"I know," Gil says.

"OK, good," Nick nods. "Good." He starts to move towards the door. "I've got to go." He's having to take shorter breaths, otherwise he's afraid he's going to start sobbing and he can't do that, because he doesn't know how he'll stop.

"Hey," Gil says softly as opens the door to let Nick out. "Do I at least get a hug goodbye?"

Nick nods jerkily and steps up to Gil, putting his arms around Gil's back and quickly trying to step away. But Gil has his hands on Nick's waist and won't let him step back.

"Stay still for a second," Gil whispers and the door is still open and Nick can walk out anytime he wants, so he allows himself to rest against Gil's warmth, resting his forehead against Gil's shoulder. His eyes are starting to burn and he squeezes them shut.

"I don't want to see a therapist." The words burst out, almost against his will. "I don't want to see a therapist, or a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I don't want to talk about it or think about it. I just want to put it all behind me, let it go."

"OK," Gil says.

"I just want time to myself."

"OK, Nick," Gil repeats.

"I'll be fine," Nick whispers, his forehead still pressed into Gil's shoulder. "I'll be just fine."

"I know," Gil says, then presses his lips briefly against Nick's head. He doesn't so much push Nick away as hold him in place while taking a step back himself, putting some distance between them.

Nick steps outside, then turns and looks at Gil.

"Gil, I'm sorry."

Gil simply nods, then closes the door.

"Above ground," Nick jokes when people ask him how he is. And that's about all he can say at the moment.