Title: Hero
By: nancy
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Warnings: character death
Rating: R
Summary: The team loses one of its own.

It was, appropriately, raining the day of the funeral. Not a hard, driving rain that washed things clean, but a moist, sticky one that was miserable and barely there, just enough to be noticed and make things uncomfortable, slick, and dangerous in a normally dry city. The sky had been overcast for days, as if in mourning, and didn’t look to be clearing up any time soon, at least according to the weather reports.

There was a large crowd gathered around the gravesite as the priest intoned words that gave little comfort. Dress uniforms of police and fire were everywhere to honor one of their own and the rest wore unrelieved black without even a hint of color. All ages and races were represented, men and women both sharing emotion, though the women were, naturally, more comfortable with showing it in their tears and hugs.

Standing a respectful distance from the funeral was a news crew. A young woman in sober clothes reported, “Over a hundred Las Vegas police and emergency services personnel have gathered to pay their respects for one of their own, fallen in the line of duty. Even more can be seen around the city wearing black armbands to show their support as they continue working to keep our city safe. A testimonial to the dedication and drive shown by the fallen man over years of service, a hero in the eyes of everyone in this community and the city itself.”

The honor guard stepped forward just then and a silence fell so complete that when the gunfire rang out, everyone flinched, even the veterans. Three times the guns were fired and before the last crack faded away, Taps sounded from a distant trumpet.

Gil rested a hand on Nick’s shoulder, squeezing tight as he felt the minor tremors come and go through the younger man. Sara held his hand from the seat beside him, comforting through touch as well. The last five days had been hard on all of them, but especially so for Nick. He hadn’t been left alone since it had happened, and Catherine and Warrick had both reported Nick having violent nightmares on their ‘watch.’

The horrendously long funeral was finally done and people began to disperse. Jim’s ex-wife and daughter were the first to drop flowers and a handful of dirt into the open grave, but certainly not the last. Gil knew that after leaving here, a good many of the cops would be going to the bar that most of the cops in Jim’s unit hung out in after work. Jim himself hadn’t been there in a number of years, due to his alcoholism, but that wouldn’t stop the amount of drinking done in his memory the coming night.

It was something Jim would approve of, and understand.

Gil waited patiently for Nick, knowing the younger man wouldn’t get up until he was sure he could do so without disgracing himself. They were all worried about him, but Gil especially. No one had seen him shed a single tear, but the guilt was clearly eating him alive.

“Gil.”

He looked over at Catherine.

“We’re going in now. We’ll call you if something vital needs your attention, but otherwise, we’ll deal,” she said quietly.

Gil nodded, almost smiling, and replied, “Thanks. I’ll call you tomorrow and check in.”

She, Lindsey, Warrick, and Sara all said quiet good-byes to him and Nick, which Gil was surprised to find Nick return. He’d been almost non-verbal all day, not speaking unless absolutely necessary. Taking the seat that Sara had vacated, Gil sat quietly, letting Nick stare at the open grave for as long as he needed.

Unlike most people, the sight of an open grave didn’t bother Gil. Not in the traditional sense, at least. His own anger at how Jim’s life had been cut short and the loss of one of his best friends were both massive in scope, but he knew that Jim wasn’t in that grave. The essence of the man was already somewhere else, either dispersed among the universe or already reborn. In either case, Gil was slowly dealing with the loss in his own fashion, healing bit by bit.

Taking care of Nick wasn’t part of that healing, but he couldn’t deny that it felt good to be so needed. To be necessary to another person’s well being was comforting, gratifying even, though that sounded coarse to his mind.

“I don’t understand.”

They had been silent for so long that Nick’s words took Gil by surprise. He shifted to face Nick and prompted, “What don’t you understand?”

“If Jim wasn’t Catholic anymore, how come they gave him a Catholic funeral?” Nick questioned, perplexed, meeting his gaze for the first time in two days. “Isn’t that against the rules?”

“I’m not much for organized religion, but I think the Catholic Church is a lot like the Mafia. Once you’re a member, you’re a member forever, whether you want to be or not. And that includes funeral rites,” Gil answered, dry.

A faint smile lifted Nick’s lips, however briefly, and he stood. “Let’s get out of here.”

“If you’re ready.”

“Yeah. Just, hang on.”

Gil stood and watched as Nick walked to the edge of the grave. He squatted there for a long moment, then pulled something out of his pocket and tossed it inside, following it up with a handful of dirt. When he stood again and faced Gil, Nick was composed, but that didn’t reassure him. Nick had been far too composed, save for the nightmares. He was heading for a breakdown or an explosion, and neither was a good option.

They walked through the graveyard to where Gil’s car waited on the long driveway in silence. He thought, briefly, that it was good he was comfortable with silence or this would be upsetting him a lot more than it already was. Nick was usually so animated and talkative that his quiet, withdrawn behavior was doubly a sign of trouble.

“You want me to drive you home?” Gil asked, once in the car.

Nick nodded, staring out the window towards Jim’s grave.

Starting the car, Gil drove away, noticing in his peripheral vision that Nick’s head didn’t turn forward until it was impossible to see the grave anymore.

*  *  *  *

It was full dark by the time they reached Nick’s place. Gil walked inside with him and went to the bathroom to give Nick some time alone. He also needed to figure out a way to wrangle an invitation to stay the night. There was no chance that he would leave Nick in this state. He didn’t think that Nick would hurt himself, not by a long shot, but no one should be alone with the kind of pain he was in.

He flushed the toilet and ran the sink for a few minutes before heading into the living room. Nick wasn’t there, so he looked in the kitchen and found him staring into the fridge. “Hey. You hungry?”

Nick sighed. “I should be. I can’t remember the last time I ate.”

“Why don’t you sit down and I’ll fix you something?” Gil suggested, joining him.

Shrugging, Nick replied, “I doubt I’ll eat it.”

Lightly touching his arm, Gil said, “Just a few bites, Nicky. You have to eat something, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

It was a lackluster agreement, but Gil would take what he could get. “Good. Go on and sit down. I’ll be right out.”

Nick nodded and left for the living room. Gil rummaged around the cabinets after seeing the fridge wasn’t bare, but several things were starting to grow. He found some soup and figured that would be best anyhow, since Nick hadn’t eaten much the last couple of days. He made enough for two, feeling his own stomach rumble an impatient demand, and brought out the bowls on a tray, setting it down on the coffee table.

Instead of taking a couple of sips and needed to be prodded to finish it off, Nick just picked up the bowl, blew on it to cool it off a little, and simply drank the whole thing.

Surprised, Gil didn’t comment, he just ate his soup at a normal pace and watched the game that Nick had turned on while he was in the kitchen. Nick was slumped down beside him, his eyes closed, but Gil knew he wasn’t asleep. Finishing the soup, he asked, “You mind if I stay over?”

“I don’t need a sitter, Grissom. I’m not going to hurt myself,” Nick answered, not opening his eyes.

Gil half-smiled and said, “I know that, Nick. My eyes are tired, though, too tired for me to drive home.”

At that, Nick opened his eyes and looked at him. A frown surfaced as he stared at Gil and he demanded, “When did you last sleep?”

Thinking about it, Gil had to admit, “At least two days ago.”

“Then you’re not moving from my couch until you’ve slept the night through,” Nick stated firmly. “I don’t want you falling asleep at the wheel.”

“Me, either,” Gil agreed.

That apparently settled, Nick stood and said, “I’m just going to take a shower and go to bed. You know where everything is, so help yourself to whatever.”

Gil nodded and hesitantly gripped Nick’s shoulder, promising, “It’ll get better, Nicky.”

Not answering, Nick shook off his hand and left for his bedroom.

With a sigh, Gil toed off his shoes and stretched out on the sofa. It wouldn’t do his back any good, but he was too tired to care.

*  *  *  *

The crime scene was a mess. Nick groaned as he saw all the blood and vomit and trash strewn all over the place. It was going to take forever to work through all of that.

“Think of it as a challenge,” Grissom said from behind, a definite smirk in his voice.

Nick shot him an incredulous look and demanded, “A challenge?”

“One I’m sure Sara wouldn’t back down from.”

Eyes rolling at the deliberate provocation, Nick stated, “She sure as hell would, if she had the opportunity.”

Gil laughed and clapped him on the back. “Then it’s just as well that you’re here and she’s out sick. I’m going to talk to Brass and see if he’s scared up any witnesses. You going to be okay here?”

Nodding, Nick assured him, “I’ll be fine. I’ll start marking things up.”

“Save the good stuff for me,” Gil teased before walking out of the room.

Nick made a face at his back, then turned his attention to the scene. He mentally divided it up into sections and decided on the north quadrant first. It looked the cleanest. At least pictures had already been taken.

He was so engrossed in his work that he didn’t notice the time passing, or when he was no longer alone. The first realization came as a warning of hairs standing up on the back of his neck. He momentarily froze in place and was about to stand when a gun pressed between his shoulder blades.

Ah fuck! he thought. What do I have a bulls-eye on me that only psychos can see!?

Raising his hands, Nick slowly stood up, saying, “We can work this out, whatever the problem is.”

There was just silence, which was unnerving, so he looked over his shoulder to find a wild-eyed young man staring at him. He was clearly strung out and ready to pop, not a good combination. Keeping his hands up, Nick turned around and asked, “You okay, buddy? I can get you some help.”

“You’re a cop,” the guy hissed with hatred.

Oh shit, Nick thought, panic starting to creep in. “No, I’m just a tech. I work the scene, buddy. Hey, what’s your name?”

“You got a gun and a badge. You’re a cop.”

“Nicky, are you almost done or…”

Gil’s voice trailed off as the junkie jumped to the side to keep them both in view, the gun waving wildly between them. Keeping calm, Gil asked, “You want to introduce me to your new friend, Nick?”

“Uh, I was just getting his name,” Nick answered.

The guy stalked over to Gil and shoved the gun into his breastbone, forcing him towards the closet. “You get in there, old man!”

Nick met Gil’s eyes and saw panic in the older man’s eyes, and knew instinctively it was for him. Gil was on the same page that he was; that the junkie had fixated on Nick and was going to kill him.

“Look, I can get you some help,” Gil stalled, backing up. “I can get you whatever you need. I’ve got money, if that’s what you want.”

“Shut up!”

The words were accompanied by a vicious blow to the temple that dropped Gil like a stone. Nick swallowed in outright fear as the gun swung around to him. The wild, pale eyes didn’t blink, staring at him with an intense hatred that he backed away from. He was dead and Nick knew it. He could see it coming in the way the finger caressed the trigger, the only steady thing about the junkie.

And then a dark shape came between him and the junkie as two gunshots exploded. Still in shock, Nick didn’t move, unable to figure out what had just happened and why he was still alive. Reason kicked in a split second later and he yanked his gun out, rushing over to the person who’d stepped between him and death.

A different kind of shock enveloped Nick as he saw Jim sprawled on top of the junkie, being shoved off. He shouted for help, but it was already there. Cops were filling the room, alerted by the gunfire, and had the junkie in cuffs even before the EMT’s, who were thankfully still on the scene, finished cutting away Jim’s shirt.

Nick could only stare as the EMT’s worked frantically to stop the blood seeping out of a massive hole. He met Jim’s agonized gaze and saw the older man smile at him just as the life faded from his eyes. His gun clattered to the floor as he dropped to his knees, unable to support himself any longer.

Jim’s dead. Jim’s dead because of me, was the only thing he could think, over and over.

And in a flash of panic, he remembered Gil. The older CSI was crumpled in the corner of the room, unnoticed by the people who surrounded Jim. Nick cried out and struggled to get to him, but couldn’t move. No one paid him or his shouts for help any attention. The cops glared at him, furious that he was alive, when Jim was dead.

Nick knew from the awkward angle of Gil’s neck that he was dead, too, and that was his fault as well.

“Help him! Help him, damn you! Gil!”

*  *  *  *

Gil bolted upright at the first scream of his name and was off the sofa and running for the bedroom before he was even really awake. Nick was flailing around in bed, tangled in the blankets, and screaming for someone to help him. He grabbed Nick’s shoulders and shook them hard, shouting, “Nick! Wake up!”

Nick went still, his breathing harsh in the sudden quiet, and stared at Gil before tears leaked slowly out of his eyes. He broke away from Gil’s tight grip and curled into a ball, crying hard. Relief caused Gil to sag for a moment and he drew in a shuddery breath, getting his heart under control. If he never heard that kind of pain and fear in Nick’s voice again, it would be way too soon.

Getting more comfortable, Gil rubbed his hand up and down Nick’s back in slow, soothing motions. He didn’t want to intrude, but also wanted to let Nick know that he wasn’t alone.

After an eternity, Nick pushed onto his elbows and grabbed the box of tissues beside the bed. Blowing his nose, he sighed heavily and looked at Gil. “I don’t understand why he didn’t just shoot the guy. Why’d he jump in front of me like that?”

“When emotions come into play, rules go out the window,” Gil observed. “And besides, I’ve been over the crime scene and from the angle that Jim came into the room, you were between him and the perp.”

Nick frowned. “What do you mean?”

Getting on his knees, Gil drew an imaginary square. “Here’s the door you and I came in. This is where you were standing, this is where the perp stood, and this is where Jim came inside. He would have had to shoot you to get the perp, and there was no way he would have done that.”

“But how’d he get close with neither of us seeing him?” Nick questioned, then blew his nose again.

Gil shrugged. “I doubt you were looking anywhere but the gun, and that guy was so strung out that I don’t think he saw anything but you. Still, my guess is that Jim crawled behind that big stack of crates, remember them?”

Nick’s eyes lost focus as he thought about it, then he nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

“So he used them as cover to get a better angle, but something happened to make him shield you instead. Maybe he didn’t have time, maybe he still didn’t have a good shot, maybe he just wasn’t thinking of anything at all, except to save you,” Gil replied softly.

Reaching out, Nick’s fingers brushed over the bruise on Gil’s temple without actually touching it. “How’re you doing?”

“I’m fine,” Gil assured him. “I wasn’t even concussed.”

“You could’ve been killed. God, Gil, if he’d come down with any more force…”

“But he didn’t, and I’m fine,” Gil interrupted.

Bringing his legs up, Nick’s arms wrapped around them and he rested his cheek on the top of his knees. “He shouldn’t have done it. I’m not worth it.”

Anger blazed through Gil and he snapped, “Don’t you dare disrespect what Jim did for you like that ever again!”

Shocked, Nick stammered, “I’m, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you understand, Nick?” At Nick’s blank look, Gil pressed on, “Jim was in love with you. That’s why he acted the way he did. Your life mattered more to him than his own, and by saying you’re not worth it, you’re dishonoring both his sacrifice and his love for you.”

“No, Grissom, you’re wrong about that,” Nick whispered, still in shock.

Gil shook his head and repeated, “Jim was in love with you. He told me, Nicky. He was afraid for you, with how often you attract trouble. That’s why he tried to be assigned with you as often as he could. I was happy to oblige, since he and Warrick didn’t get along anyhow, and getting you extra protection was a bonus, as far as I was concerned.”

Shoving the blankets away, Nick rolled off the bed and paced to the window, before spinning back to him and demanding, “You’re telling me that Jim Brass, a man who never took a single step on the wild side, was in love with me.”

“Yes.”

“Why the hell didn’t he say anything!?”

“Would you have been able to love him like that?”

“No, I…uh, no.”

“That’s why he didn’t say anything. Well, mostly why. A big part of Jim’s problem was that he was never comfortable with that part of himself. I’ve known him a long time and it’s something that he always struggled with.”

Losing all his protests, Nick sighed and rubbed his eyes. “I feel like I let him down, Gris. I know I did.”

Alarmed by the defeated tone, Gil climbed out of the bed and walked over to him. Gripping his arm, he said, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Nick. If anyone’s to blame, it’s myself for leaving you alone. We never learn that particular lesson, do we? First Holly, then me, then you, then Catherine, and now you again. We always think that we’re going to be fine, that back-up is for other people. That’s something that’s already changed. None of my people go out without back-up ever again. If I catch any of you doing it, I’m suspending the person without pay.”

Nick half-smiled and asked, “You included?”

“Myself included,” Gil agreed, firmly.

Sighing, Nick looked out the window. “I don’t want to disrespect him, Grissom, but I really…I don’t feel…I’m not worthy of it. I’m not.”

Gil took a breath, trying to remain calm as he countered, “You are worth it, Nick. Jim was one of my best friends and I’m damned for even thinking this, but I would trade your life for his, mine, or anyone else’s, any day of the week.”

Nick’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“I know this is wildly inappropriate, but you deserve the truth,” Gil said. Dropping his hand from Nick’s arm, he continued, “Jim and I were both in love with you. I am, rather. Still. I have been, for a long time now.”

Nick stared at him for a long minute, but then, just as Gil was starting to think he’d seriously overstepped his bounds, strong hands twisted in Gil’s shirt and hauled him in tight. Nick’s arms wrapped around him like steel and Gil returned the hug, just as fiercely. Face buried against the warm skin of Nick’s throat, a few tears managed to leak from Gil’s eyes, not the first, and probably not the last, that he would shed. Clearing his throat, Gil pulled back and just looked at Nick, searching for what he might be feeling right now.

Sighing, Nick looked away before whispering, “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Oh Nicky,” Gil whispered. “You’re not alone. Come on, let’s get into bed and get some sleep, we could both use some.”

Nodding, Nick climbed under the blankets and Gil followed, arranging them so that Nick was curled up, half over his chest. They were silent for a long time, then Nick murmured, “I love you to, Gil. That’s why I wouldn’t have been able to love Jim back. My heart’s been yours for a long time now.”

Gil smiled, bittersweet to have made such a wonderful discovery in these terrible circumstances. Holding Nick tight, he kissed the top of his head and sighed, closing his eyes, even though he knew he wasn’t going to fall asleep. He silently blessed Jim for his sacrifice and prayed that his friend had found peace, wherever his soul was now.