Title: To Be In Love
By: Fran Holland
PAIRING: Gil/Nick

Nick was a little startled by the knock on his door. He'd only been off work for about thirty minutes. In fact, he had just stripped down to his boxer briefs to shower. He didn't want to freak out anyone, so he slipped his jeans back on and headed for the door.

Nick was speechless. Gil Grissom stood at his front door. Gil was also speechless, Nick stood at his front door wearing nothing but a pair of jeans. Very tight jeans that were not snapped.

"Hey, Griss. What's up?"

"I hope your offer for breakfast still stands." Nick had poked his head into Gil's office earlier that morning and asked him to breakfast, but Gil had refused. Everyone had tried to offer advice on Sara's leaving and Gil was tired of it.

"Well, sure. I don't know if I've got anything in the fridge, but I'll check."

"Actually, just coffee would be nice." Gil assured Nick.

Nick gestured for Gil to come in and he followed Gil into the living room. Gil looked around at Nick's neat apartment and turned to give the other man a smile.

"Nice place."

"Thanks. I'll go start some coffee. Just make yourself at home." Nick walked through the attached dining room and into the small kitchen to begin brewing coffee.

Gil continued to look around the room. He took in the bookcase filled with books about birds, forensics and was that...he reached out and pulled out a familiar book. Entomology in Forensics. He wondered why Nick had this book. It was his personal favorite, maybe because he was co-author. He opened the book to the back where his short biography was. He noted the small picture of him was frayed around the edges.

Gil slipped the book back on the bookcase and moved over to Nick's DVD collection. There were the usual action flicks, several comedies and a few classics. He was looking at the framed photographs on a shelf when Nick returned bearing two coffee cups.

Gil accepted his and sat down on the couch. Nick sat down at the opposite end and looked expectantly at Gil.

"I haven't talked to anyone else about this."

Nick nodded and waited for Gil to continue.

"Everyone has been offering to listen or to give advice."

Again, Nick nodded. He took a sip of coffee. Nick guessed that this was not easy for Gil and didn't want to push. He had all the time in the world for Gil Grissom.

"I think I'm supposed to feel hurt, betrayed, lonely, but I don't feel any of those things."

"What do you feel?" Nick asked softly.

"Relieved." Gil said, not meeting Nick's eyes, but staring instead at his coffee mug.

Nick raised his eyebrows. He hadn't expected this. "Relieved?"

Gil raised his eyes. "Nick, when Sara left, I was sad and worried for her, but I realized something that day." He looked away again.

"When you were taken and we found out you were in that...that box, I could not imagine my life without you in it. I would have gone to hell and back to find you. When Sara left, I didn't feel anything like that. I didn't want to find her."

"Don't you love her?" Nick was at a loss. Was Gil really comparing his feelings for Nick with his feelings for Sara?

"Sure. I love her. I love Catherine too. I love Warrick. I just realized that I'm not in love with her. We had so much in common that our relationship just sort of spun out of control before I knew what hit me. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah, it does." Nick decided to go out on a limb. He knew he might not want to hear the answer, but he had to ask.

"If you aren't in love with her, who are you in love with?"

Gil stood abruptly and walked over to the framed pictures. He stared at them for several minutes. Without turning, he spoke. "What makes you think I'm in love with anyone?"

"It was just a question."

"If I were in love with someone else, while seeing Sara, while proposing marriage to her, it would make me a poor human being."

"Or one that was just confused." Nick offered.

"Have you ever been that confused?" Gil asked, turning to look at Nick.

"Yeah. Well, I didn't ask someone to marry me, but I've been in love with someone and dated others, even slept with another person." Nick answered.

"How did it make you feel?"

"I don't know. Empty. I wasn't cheating, because the person I'm in love with doesn't know I love them." Nick said quietly.

"Why not?" Gil took a few steps forward and waited for Nick's answer.

It was Nick's turn to look away. "Because he wouldn't be receptive."

"He?" Gil sat down heavily on the couch.

Nick looked up and met Gil's eyes. "Yeah. He. He's off limits. He was involved with a woman, so that makes him unavailable to someone like me."

"Was?" Gil shook his head briefly. He was not being very articulate.

"Yeah."

"What were the circumstances, Nick?"

"I really can't..." Nick started but was interrupted by Gil.

"Who are you in love with?"

"It really doesn't matter. Like I said, he's off limits."

"Until now, I assumed the person that I was in love with was off limits as well." Gil watched Nick expectantly, waiting for Nick to process the words.

Several emotions played over Nick's features. Sadness, confusion and then realization. He locked his eyes with Gil's. "Who are you in love with?"

"You." Gil whispered.

Instead of joy, Nick felt anger. "If you are in love with me, why were you with Sara for so long. Why did you ask her to marry you for God's sake? Jesus, Griss, I've been in love with you for so long, but knew I could never have you because I assumed you were straight." Nick stood up and began pacing the room.

"Nicky, please sit down. Please let me explain."

"Explain what? That you may be in love with me, but you had a girlfriend for appearances, or maybe you couldn't stand the thought of being in love with a man, so you decided marriage was a logical choice."

Gil stood up and walked over to Nick. When he was right in Nick's personal space, he spoke. "Listen to us, we are in love with each other, but neither thought the other would return those feelings. I thought you were straight too, Nick. I thought you preferred women. I couldn't have you, so I settled for someone that I cared about, someone who shared my interests, someone who was my friend and was devoted to me. You can't blame me for Sara. If I had known there was even a one percent chance that you could return my feelings, do you actually believe I would have been with her?"

Nick hung his head. "No." He mumbled.

"Look at me, Nicky."

Nick did as he was told. Gil reached up and touched Nick's cheek. "I love you, Nick. I'm very much in love with you. Only you."

Nick leaned into Gil's hand and was soon in his arms. Their first kiss was tentative. They pulled back at the same time and stared at each other. The second kiss could only be described as explosive. Their tongues fought for control, their bodies clung to each other. Gil's hands moved up Nick's bare chest until he reached Nick's nipples. When his fingers ran over one of them, Nick whimpered.

"Oh, Nicky, you're so beautiful." Gil murmured. Gil moved his head down to Nick's other nipple and gently suckled. He smiled to himself as he heard Nick's moan.

"Do you like that?" Gil said softly as he trailed kisses across Nick's chest and up to his neck.

"Yes. God, yes." Nick cried.

"I want you, Nick."

"Want you too."

"Let's go to your bedroom." Gil reluctantly pulled his mouth away from Nick's tempting neck.

By the time they reached the bedroom, Nick's jeans were riding low on his hips since Gil had unzipped them and Gil was minus his shirt. Gil knelt in front of Nick and pulled his jeans down enough that Nick could step out of them. Gil looked up at Nick before his hand moved over the outline of Nick's cock in his briefs. He heard Nick's swift intake of breath and smiled. He cupped Nick's balls and gently squeezed. Nick's fingers grabbed the waistband of his briefs and tried to pull them down so that Gil could have access to his aching cock, but Gil stopped him.

"I want to do this slow. I want to savor this experience, Nick." Gil said as he stood up. He wrapped a hand around the back of Nick's neck and pulled him forward. Their lips met again and time seemed to stand still for Nick. He was only aware of Gil's tongue inside his mouth. They continued to stand in place, kissing and touching until finally Gil had to come up for air. His breath came in pants and when his eyes met Nick's he saw that Nick's eyes were almost black with desire.

He took a step back and unbuttoned his pants, never taking his eyes from Nick's face. Nick's eyes had lowered to watch Gil's hands. When Gil kicked off his shoes and lowered his pants in what seemed like one motion, Nick grabbed Gil's hips and pulled him forward. Nick's hands reached behind Gil to cup his ass, and when that wasn't enough, he reached his hands down Gil's boxers and cupped his bare ass. Gil moaned and pushed forward in order to rub their cocks against each other. Nick growled and yanked Gil's boxers down and bent slightly to pull the boxers and pants completely off of Gil. When they were off and tossed aside, Nick looked down at Gil's cock. It was thick, circumcised and very aroused. The hair around it was thick brown with some gray. The balls were large and heavy. Nick licked his lips, he wanted to taste it, but once again Gil stopped him.

Gil took both of Nick's hands in his and walked backwards until his legs hit the edge of Nick's bed. He sat, still holding Nick's hands. Gil looked up and met Nick's expressive eyes.

"Nicky, this isn't a one time thing for me. I want to make this work between us. I'm not the easiest person to live with and I really suck at relationships. I just need you to be sure, before we go any further, that you can handle this."

Nick gripped Gil's hands and knelt before him, never letting his eyes leave Gil's.

"I love you and I'm very sure about this." Nick brought one of Gil's hands to his lips and kissed it. "Very sure." He repeated.

"How did I get so lucky?" Gil asked.

"Same why I did." Nick said, smiling. Nick stood up and pulled his hands away from Gil. He pulled off his underwear and grinned with he heard Gil's gasp of pleasure. What Nick didn't have in girth, he made up for in length.

Gil managed to drag his gaze away from Nick's cock to lock eyes again. He raised his eyebrows and said, "I cannot wait to have that inside me."

Nick blushed. "I assumed that you were...that I would...."

"Top?"

Nick's face flushed a deeper red and he nodded. "Yeah."

"Nick, I don't define roles or labels in a relationship. I would love to feel you inside me and I want to be inside of you too. I want to love your body in every way possible."

That comment nearly brought Nick to his knees. He sat down beside Gil and sighed softly. Gil turned and wrapped his arms around Nick and pulled him down, so that they were lying side by side, their legs still touching the floor.

Gil's hand traced small patterns on Nick's chest, moving closer and closer to Nick's nipples. He watched them pucker slightly as his fingers grazed quickly over them, only to move away again. Gil looked up and saw that Nick's eyes were closed, he looked relaxed, but Gil picked up on the small hitch in his breathing. He smiled and trailed his fingers down across Nick's belly. Gil felt the muscles tense beneath his touch and he almost chuckled as Nick's cock jumped in anticipation.

Nick couldn't believe the sensations that Gil's fingers were creating. He didn't think his cock could get any harder, but when Gil's fingers brushed the top of the brown curls that surrounded his cock, Nick felt himself pulse with need.

Gil skirted his fingers around and down to gently caress Nick's testicles. He watched them draw up and move under his touch. So sensitive, he thought. He was going to make this first time an experience that neither man would forget.

Nick opened his eyes and reached over to pull Gil down into a kiss. Gil allowed Nick to lead the kiss by opening his mouth slightly to allow Nick's tongue to invade. Nick felt that he could explore Gil's mouth forever, but he had to come up for air and when he pulled back slightly, Gil moaned and his eyes opened.

"Amazing." Gil whispered.

"Yeah." Nick murmured, as Gil's lips captured his in another passionate kiss. This time it was Gil's turn to explore. He traced his tongue along Nick's lips and then slipped inside. Nick tasted of coffee and an essence that was all Nick. Gil's hands were not idle this time, one hand roamed down to rest on Nick's hip and the other wrapped around and cupped Nick's neck to bring him even closer to him.

When Gil's hand moved from his hip to his ass, Nick shivered and turned just slightly so that the head of his cock brushed against Gil's.

Gil released Nick's mouth with a gasp. Both men looked down at their cocks, now resting side by side.

"I've dreamed of this..." Nick said so softly that Gil barely heard him. Gil brought his fingers up to cup Nick's cheek and rested his forehead on Nick's.

"Nicky, I've never felt like this before. I never want this to end."

Nick's response was another kiss that made the others look tame by comparison. Nick's tongue thrust into Gil's mouth and claimed it as his own. Nick's hands gripped Gil's hips and ground his cock against Gil's. Gil let Nick take control for a time, lost in the feeling of their bodies, skin against skin. When Nick broke the kiss to gasp for air, Gil sat up.

"Baby, let's move up on the bed some." Nick complied, but when he put his head on his pillow, Gil shook his head. "On your stomach."

Nick rolled over and wondered briefly if Gil had changed his mind about Nick being on top this time. He wasn't going to be sorry, he'd wanted Gil's cock inside him longer than he could remember.

Nick felt Gil's hands move over his back. Nick had a line of fine hair in the small of his back and Gil trailed his fingers so lightly over it that chill bumps covered Nick's body. Gil smiled and whispered into Nick's ear, "Is there a part of your body that isn't sensitive, Nicky?"

"Don't tease." Nick moaned into his pillow.

Gil moved so that he straddled Nick's upper thighs. His hands moved over the warm skin of Nick's back in a slow, sensual massage. Nick felt Gil's erection lying in the cleft between his ass cheeks and had never wanted to be fucked more than at that moment. When Gil's hands made way down to Nick's ass and separated the cheeks slightly, just enough so that the head of Gil's cock was touching Nick's puckered entrance.

"Oh, God, Gil, please fuck me. Please." Nick begged.

Instead of answering, Gil slide his body down Nick's until his mouth could take the place of his cock. Nick grabbed handfuls of his pillow as Gil's tongue swirled over the tight hole. Gil's tongue flicked and licked over the opening until Nick thought he was going to scream. It seemed like electric shocks were traveling up and down his body. Gil loved the whimpers and moans that Nick was making, and reveled in the fact that he was causing those little sounds.

Just when Nick thought that he would come from Gil's tongue alone, Gil stopped. Before Nick could move or speak however, Gil grazed his teeth over one of Nick's inner thighs. When Gil's mouth got to the back of Nick's knees, Nick bucked beneath him.

"Tickles." Nick grunted.

Gil laughed softly. He was enjoying getting to know Nick's body. Gil spread his palms over Nick's thighs and moved them up to cup the tight ass. Nick felt butterfly kisses on each cheek and then felt Gil moved over to his side. He turned his head and met the bemused expression in Gil's blue eyes.

"What?" Nick asked.

"It seems that the man I love has more erogenous zones than the average person."

Nick turned over on his side, so that he was facing Gil. His cock felt heavy and he noticed Gil's eyes travel down to look at it. Nick slowly reached over and cupped Gil's balls. Gil's hips involuntarily moved into the caress.

"I want you now, Nick. Inside me." Gil whispered, eyes never leaving Nick's cock.

"The lubricant is in the nightstand behind you, there are condoms in there too." Nick said huskily.

Gil turned over and opened the small drawer. Inside, he found an unopened box of condoms and a plastic bottle of lubricant. He also discovered a picture of himself. He reached in and picked it up. He could not remember being photographed, but it was a shot of him sitting at his desk, his glasses down on his nose. Gil turned to Nick.

Nick looked at the photograph and back at Gil. "I told you that I've been in love with you for a long time. That helped me get through some of the bad nights after Nigel Crane and after...after I was...taken."

"Oh, Nicky." Gil placed the picture back in the drawer gently and turned to gather Nick in his arms. "From now on, you will have the real thing to get you through the bad nights."

Gil rocked the younger man in his arms for a short time before taking his mouth in a deep, soul-searching kiss. At first, the kiss was gentle and loving, but soon turned into a kiss that could only be described as brutal. Nick's lips were hard on Gil's, bruising them. Gil knew that this was Nick's way of vanquishing the past and he let himself be used.

Nick gasped and pulled away. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry."

Gil pulled him back. "Don't be, Baby. It's okay. Everything will be okay from now on." Gil's hands moved soothingly over Nick's back for a few seconds. After a time, Nick's breathing returned to normal and the kisses resumed, this time slowly, but still full of passion. Gil's hand reached behind him to fumble around in the drawer. His hands brushed against the bottle of lubricant and he pulled it out, his lips never leaving Nick's.

Nick was vaguely aware of Gil's actions, but when he felt the cool gel on his penis, he opened his eyes. "Condom?"

"No."

Nick looked at Gil questioningly.

"I know you're safe. And I hope you know that I am too." Gil said, as he continued to stroke Nick's cock with the slippery gel.

"But..." Nick started, but Gil read his mind.

"I always used one with her...Sara."

"Oh." Nick whispered in awe.

"Can we....?" It was Gil's turn to be interrupted as Nick pushed him on his back and moved between his legs. Gil let his legs fall apart and raised his knees to give Nick full access to his entrance. Nick took the lubricant out of Gil's hand and poured some into his palm. He rubbed his hands together to warm the fluid before running one hand over the tight muscle. He pushed in with his fingertip until he felt the muscle give a little and then he took Gil's cock into his other hand and while he slowly moved up and down Gil's shaft, he pushed the head of his cock against the opening.

Nick's chocolate brown eyes met Gil's blue ones just as he pushed the head all the way into Gil's body. Gil gasped. Nick moaned at the tightness. Never taking his eyes away from Gil's, Nick slowly pushed his way in until his balls were snug up against Gil's ass. Only then did he become completely still. Gil relaxed as his body adjusted and the pain became pleasure.

"Now, Nicky. Fuck me now." Gil said, lifting his legs to wrap around Nick's lean hips.

Nick began the slow rhythm that was older than time. His hips gently rocking, pulling his cock almost completely out before pushing back to the hilt. Gil let Nick set the tempo until he could no longer stand it. He wanted to feel his release.

"Faster, Baby. Make me come. I...need....uh...uh...uh..." Gil's words became grunts as Nick's pace quickened. Nick heard the sound of his lubricant slicked balls slapping against Gil's ass with each stroke. His hand moved up Gil's cock to rest right under the head. He squeezed gently before rubbing his thumb over the glistening slit.

Gil's back arched and Nick watched in fascination as streams of semen spurted out of Gil's cock. As Gil's body gripped Nick's cock tighter, Nick felt his own orgasm building. He pumped into Gil harder and faster until his own orgasm ripped through him. Gil watched his lover come and thought it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Nick's head was thrown back, his face was flushed and his mouth was slightly open as the aftershocks of his orgasm racked his body.

When Nick finally came back to earth, it was to find Gil staring up at him with a slight smile on his face. Nick ran his hands up and down Gil's thighs, but when he made a move to pull out, Gil's voice stopped him.

"Please, don't move yet. Let me feel you, look at you." Gil said. So, Nick shifted his knees so he could lean forward with his upper body weight on his arms.

"That was better than any of the fantasies I've had about you over the years." Nick whispered.

Gil just smiled up at him and reached his hand up to brush the sweat away from Nick's brow. "I love you."

Nick felt Gil squeeze his muscles and opened his eyes wider. His cock was hardening again inside of Gil. Gil looked innocently up at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Again?"

"Again." Gil said. "We have several years to make up for."

THE END