Title: Daily Survival Kit
By: BflyW
Summary: Greg wants to break up....
Written for shacky20 as a THANK YOU for being a great mod! I figure you need some tools to put up with all the crazy members on this site... So in the form of a fic: Here's your daily survival kit!
Beta: Anmani
Characters: Nick, Greg
Genres: angst, romance, drama
Rating: NC17
Warnings: violence

PROLOGUE

"You don't know that. You don't know what it is like to be afraid of suddenly being disconnected with your family. We're close. I know I live far away from them, and I know that I practically ran from them to have a life on my own, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them. That doesn't mean I don't need them in my life. I know that whatever happens to me here, they are there for me when I need them. And whenever I need it, I can go back to Texas to recharge my batteries. I'm not ready to give that up."

"They won't disown you Nick."

"You don't know that," he turned his back to me and walked out the door, "You don't know that."

~*~

It was like every other time we've had this fight. I want this and he wants that. We've fought over it so many times that I've lost count. I don't know why I keep bringing it up, because I know I ain't getting anywhere. I am stuck. I'm stuck in this place where I have no intention of staying, and that's the problem. I can't go back. I can't make it undone. I can't suddenly make us just friends again.

I know moving sideways into an alternative universe where Nick and I live in the open will never happen, so the only option I can see is moving on with my life, and that means moving on without Nick; because he simply isn't, and never will be, ready to follow.

ONE: CANDY KISS
~ To remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug every day ~

[NICK]

I'm about to close a case I'm working on with Warrick. We've been working on it for a week and we're closing in on a suspect. There were plenty of fingerprints and DNA at the scene.

Jason Hunt was murdered in his house, right in the middle of watching a film on TV. A half eaten pizza was still on the coffee table. The prints on the glasses on the table came back as the victim and his college friend, Evan Reed. The puzzling part though is that there isn't any apparent reason.

Warrick just told that Brass is bringing in Mr. Reed for interrogation.

I like working with Warrick. We can bounce off ideas on each other and sometimes, well pretty often actually, we compete about who's coming up with the case cracking evidence. I can trust him; I know he watches my back. I know some would say he's not to be trusted, just see what happened to Holly Gribbs when he was meant to watch her, but I know he's a different person now. He's solid. He would never turn his back on me, and I feel safe when I have him by my side. I wasn't sure I would ever feel safe again after…. after… uh… I do however. When I'm with him I am; when I'm with him or Greg.

Greg.

Greg's down the hallway on his way out the door. I can see his back disappearing out in the darkness. He hardly spoke to me before he left the break room. He poured himself a cup of coffee and gave me one as well when I asked. He didn't offer though, like he usually does. I guess he's still angry. I wish he wouldn't bring this up over and over, because he knows how it is. I can't change that. I don't want to hurt him, I really don't, but I don't have a choice. He knew it from the start, and he accepted it. I don't know why it's changed now all of a sudden.

[GREG]

I can see Nick as I walk past the window. He's looking at some crime scene pictures, and he looks torn. I look away before he catches my eyes.I don't want to acknowledge him right now. I really don't know what I want, whether I want to go in there and kiss him, or if I want to run out of here and never come back.

I want to leave. I want this to be over with. I love him and I hate him. I hate him for making me love him, it's too hard. No, it's not hard. Loving him is easy, even staying in love with him is easy. It's being with him that's hard. It didn't used to be. I was okay with it, I really was. I know he doesn't believe me. Why should he? I keep picking this fight.

[NICK]

It started so innocently. We were just friends, granted; I dreamt of us being more than that. Before I fell asleep, I would lie in my bed touching myself, pretending it was his hands moving over my body. I would stroke myself, picturing my cock disappearing in his smooth, tender hole. I imagined it would be the best feeling in the world, and I would be hard just thinking about it. I must say, it's even better than I had imagined. I would scream his name as I came, clean myself up and wrap up my fantasies until the next time it was time to go to bed. Now and then I would bring a girl home, sleep with her, and convince myself that it was what I really wanted. The next day though I would scream his name twice.

I wasn't prepared to take it any further. I was quite happy just being his friend. Fantasies are there to dream about right? Not to act upon. I thought it was all we ever could be. It's not like I had any ideas of it being anything else, so the first kiss took me by surprise.

I thought we were just playing a video game. Greg was leading, he was cheering and goofing, and I was stunned. He looked so beautiful. His face lit up and his smile... That smile has always been a mystery to me. How can anyone have such a beautiful smile, so full of pranks and goodness, all at once?

People say the eyes are the window to your soul, but in his case, you can read just as much in his smile. That day his smile was innocent. He was truly relaxed and having fun, and it looked like he didn't have a worry in the world. His smile drew me to him, and before I knew it, I'd leaned over to kiss him.

I don't know who was most surprised, him or me.

The second I realized what I had done I pulled back and stuttered an apology. How was I gonna talk myself out of that one? I knocked his beer over as I jumped back and spilled it over him. I apologized for that as well. He looked at me with a shocked expression on his face, and I prepared my self for his fist connecting with my face. I didn't need to. He just used his palm to brush off his soaked shirt, while telling me it was okay.

"It's okay," he said. Except I didn't know what he meant. Spilling on him? Kissing him? I kept apologizing just to be sure.

"Nick," he continued. I like the fact that he calls me Nick. Not Nicholas, not Nicky, but Nick. He still just calls me Nick. Most people at work call me Nicky now and then, but never Greg. It makes me feel like I'm special.

"Nick," he said, taking my hand now. "Don't freak out."

"I didn't mean to…" I couldn't even say it.

"But you wanted to?"

I could lie to him; say it was the alcohol, except he knew I hadn't had that much to drink. He deserved the truth. I could only hope that I wouldn't lose him as a friend.

"Yeah." I didn't even meet his eyes.

"Nick."

"Hm"

"Nick, look at me."

I lifted my eyes to meet his, and he leaned in closer.

"I wanted it too," he said and gave me another kiss.

This is where I should say it was one of those long, breathtaking kisses. One of those who lasted until our lungs were screaming for air and the earth was moving. But it wasn't. It was teeth clenching, and noses crashing, and not even very good. And it didn't last long either, because we both started laughing, and that was a wonderful tension relief. We knew better than to stop after one try though, and the next one, I can assure you, was better. It was easier when the both of us didn't try to lean to the same side.

TWO: CHEWING GUM
~ To remind you to stick with it, and you can accomplish anything ~

[GREG]

I was stunned. I had been in love with him for such a long time, that I'd often wondered how I kept from throwing myself in his arms. I did everything to get his attention. I guess I succeeded more than I was aware of. He's charming, handsome, proud, smart and sexy; all qualities that I look for in a man. And then, he was a great friend as well.

I didn't know that he would be a great lover as well, but that discovery was a great bonus.

I think maybe it's because we make love. There is a difference in making love and having sex, and I know pondering on that difference is thought of as being romantic, and I guess I am.

I'm not the kind of guy that comes off as the most romantic, I know that, but I am. Not that I go around buying roses and chocolate to Nick, he's not the kind of guy that likes that anyway, but I do like giving him small gifts. It's usually just music or some other stuff he fancies. But what makes it romantic, in my eyes, and in Nick's as well (at least, that's what he says) is that I do make an effort finding out what he really wishes for without him knowing it. I notice if he looks at a CD in the store, or if he has worn out clothes, and then I buy it for him at random times. I like doing that, and I know he loves these small gifts. It's not that he can't afford them himself, but he's not the kind of guy that spends too much on himself. He'd rather set aside a small amount of money each month to save up for an even bigger house. A house I would love to share with him, but I guess that's out of the question now.

It's not like he lead me on believing that we would live in the open. He was so shocked when he'd kissed me. He kept apologizing, even though I told him it was okay. Hell, I wanted this. I'd wanted it for so long. I kissed him back and we surrendered to the moment. It was perfect until Nick started thinking again. I swear, his brain never stops worrying. I could see and feel his muscles tense up, and then the moment was over.

"What?" I asked.

"We shouldn't be doing this," he said moving away for the second time in 5 minutes.

"Doing what?" I said playing dumb.

"This. Kissing…"

"And what's so bad about kissing? I thought it was rather good".

He laughed at this, and I almost 100% positive my dick got even harder at the sight of the crows feet forming at the corners of his eyes. I didn't know I liked wrinkles that much until I started mapping out Nick's face.

I love the lines next to his mouth that tell about the numerous smiles he has shared with his family and friends. I love how his smile light up a room. But mostly I love how he stops smiling when we make love.

And the deeper lines on his forehead, those are an imprint of all the times he have frowned over a tough case, or just picking out a birthday gift for one of his nieces. Nephews are easier, he always tell me, he can always think back to what he used to like, and convert that into today's standard. Nieces though, he doesn't understand. They change their minds all the time, and poor Nick is always trying to be the best uncle in the world, running from shop to shop to fulfill their wishes.

I especially love the one line forming just above his eyebrows. It was formed those long hours spent looking for Cassie McBride. We had all given up on her. He wasn't ready to though. He was sure it wasn't her time to go. I never realized how far he would go to protect other people. Nick, who hardly ever reveals anything about himself and that hardly even accept any help, was willing to risk all to find a girl he had never met. He was convinced she was alive, and he did all he could to get to her before it was too late. There's so much hope in him, hope that he can do good by other people.

We're all so used to finding dead bodies, that finding Cassie alive was far from our thoughts. Only Nick picked up on the gum drops on the ground. She led him to her, and he followed. They tied a connection that day, a connection that will never be broken. And even if the card she drew him may one day disappear from his refrigerator door, the line in his face will stay forever.

"It was good," he said, "I never said it wasn't good. I said we shouldn't be doing it. What if people find out?"

"What if they do?"

"They can't."

"What do you mean we can't? We're not doing anything wrong, Nick."

"I don't want anyone to know, G."

"I'm not going to run out telling everybody. I wanna take this slow as well. I don't want to rush anything, and since we're working together, I think it's smart to be discrete to begin with as well. Don't worry."

"No, you don't understand. I don't won't them to know, ever."

"Never?"

"Never."

"Not anyone?"

"No."

"oh..."

I know my heart fell a bit then, but damn, I had wanted him for too long to give up now. I felt so disappointed. I felt like I had just won the lottery only to be told that they'd made a mistake. It wasn't my numbers after all. I wasn't ready to give up though. I had come so far, right? We'd kissed. We'd admitted that we're attracted to each other. I think a part of me thought that if he just loved me enough, then he would change his mind. If he just loved me enough…

Three: Smarties
~ for those days when you don't feel so smart ~

[NICK]

Sometimes I let myself drift away, like I did with Greg. I didn't mean to get involved with him. After the first kiss though, it was hard to let go. I made sure he knew where we stood, that nothing could come out of it, and he seemed okay with it. He accepted it, and I saw no harm in having some fun.

We were two adults just enjoying each others company.

That's why I'm so surprised by the feeling of entrapment. I want to be free; free to be myself.

I moved away from Texas to be able to become an individual. I wanted to be one man, judged by his own merits and not his family's. One man; free to make his own choices, not led by anyone else. And yet, here I am. In a relationship with Greg, who wants me come out, against my own will. The surprising thing though, is that it's not from Greg that I feel the pressure, it's from me. It's my own feelings, and I didn't expect that.

Mostly it is the emptiness that took me by surprise. I ain't surprised by the feelings I have when I'm with him, I expected to feel good. I expected to have fun, and enjoy spending every hour of the day with him. What I didn't expect was to miss him when he's not there. To expect him to be home, in my home, when I lock myself in after work. I didn't expect to include sugared cereal or smarties, his candy of choice, in my shopping basket when grocery shopping, and I definitely didn't expect to freely, on my own initiative, clean out a drawer so he could keep a change or two at my house.

You see, I had made a promise once. A promise I intended to keep.

I heard them through the closed doors; the muffled voices and the occasional louder sobs. I was sitting on the stairs. I don't know why. It wasn't to eavesdrop per se, it was just that I realized that this was something important. It was like time had stopped, and suddenly all emotions were stuffed into this little space of time. My mom was running back and forth between the living room and the kitchen supplying them all with food. She saw me sitting on the stairs, but didn't tell me to go to my room. She locked eyes with me and gave me acceptance for sitting there. She knew I needed to partake in the event, and yet the living room was no suitable arena for me to be. I needed to be on the sideline to observe, to understand and to be included, but it was utterly important that I was not a disturbing element to his parents.

Mom and dad's priority that day was to be friends, to be supportive, and to give as much comfort as they possibly could, even though there was hardly any comfort to be given. Nothing could possibly ease their pain.

I couldn't believe he was no longer here. He was gone. I didn't know where though. I knew his parents believed in heaven. I hope there's a heaven, because that's where he'd be. I know mom believes in heaven, what dad believes I'm not sure. I'm not even sure what I believe.

I think there's a God. I guess believe in John 3:16. I believe there's an eternal life. At least I hope there is. I'd like to believe that someone is watching over us. I'd like to believe that when we are in need, we might pray and someone will listen. I'd like to believe that in the end, someone is taking care of us. I hope he is being taken care of now. I can't accept that there is just nothing. And I definitely can't accept it if it's eternal condemnation. If God is Love, wouldn't he then accept us all? I think he would. My God would.

I don't believe God would reject him. That's the work of humans. They say… so many say they won't judge. It's up to God they say, and in that they have already judged. I don't believe it, I don't think God will judge him. I don't think he will judge me. But I'm not so sure about the people.

It's a sin, I hear them say.

I could imagine him laying there, his face smashed in. I could picture his broken nose, and his crushed scull. Knowing what I know today, seeing so many victims for myself, I know the picture I had in my head at that time was wrong, but the image still stands. I could see his hair covered in crimson red, his eyes widely open and his mouth frozen in a silent scream. I think I pictured him carrying the fear with him forever, burned as an imprint on his soul. That was the scariest part, the idea of carrying the last impression with you forever, and that it would be fear, utter terror.

I guess he didn't look all that bad though, because his parents chose to have an open casket at the wake. It wasn't worse than they could cover it up with some good make up. His shell was intact as they said good bye. I sat on the bench knowing that it was just luck it wasn't me.

I watched his mother kissing him on his forehead. It looked so natural, like she wished him good night. Although, you don't kiss your kid good night at 16, do you? At least, I didn't want my mom to do that. Now I wished she'd never stopped doing that.

My family is more important to me than ever. Why did I ever get so ashamed of them? Why did I suddenly think they were the most lame and embarrassing people on earth? I chalk it down to being a kid, although I thought myself so grown at the time. I was watching his mom saying farewell for the last time. Her pretty face was grim by tears. I had never seen her so ash grey. Her skin so full of life was 10 years older than a week before, and her hair, although well done and full of color, was simply lifeless. Her eyes were what stung me the most. They were empty. There was nothing, and I saw a fear in my mother's eyes, and a relief that it wasn't her in this poor woman's situation today.

There was no reason. No good reason. Hate crime, they called it. Hate crime. Fear I would say. They had no reason hating him. They didn't even know him. They didn't know that he liked working on cars. That he'd saved up for a car on his own. The only reason he worked in the greasy diner was to get enough money to one day, hopefully by his 16th birthday, have his own car. He was close, both in time and money. But he never got to reach 16. 15 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and 4 days was all he got. That was the life span he was given. Don't tell me there was a reason. There's not. It was fear, the fear they call hate. Ignorance is what it is. But I could not ignore the look in my mother's eyes. The one that told me, that in the midst of her compassion for Marks mother, she was mostly happy it was none of her kids. That's when I made the promise; the promise of never letting her know it was just pure luck it wasn't me about to be lowered into 6 feet of dirt. That's when I decided to never tell her that I'm gay.

[GREG]

It's true that I wasn't happy about it in the beginning. I didn't like it at all. I thought that if he just loved me enough, he would change his mind. But you see, I didn't have all the information. I didn't realize why Nick had made the choices he had.

And who am I to argue with a promise he made himself about not scaring his mother. I did it myself. I had never told my own mom I left the lab and went out in the field. My mother used to tell me how precious I am. How I'm her only child and how she had wanted many kids, four preferably, but had ended up with only me. I was her only child, hers to protect, and she did it all too well.

I wasn't allowed to play football or any other sport that could injure me. I tried to do it anyway, because I wanted to. But the look in my mother's eyes when I came home with a hair fracture in my wrist was enough to never play football again. That's how much I needed to obey my mother.

So I did understand, I too made a promise, I promised him to never reveal his secret. I made a choice to stay with him, even though we could never be out in the open. And I was happy. I was. There were room for improvement, but I was happy, as happy as I could without being able to tell the world about my fantastic boyfriend.

It wasn't like I was all quiet. I told Sara.

No, I didn't tell her it was Nick, I only told her I had a boyfriend, and that we, for some special reasons had to keep it quiet, not that she would tell anyone, and I have to give it to her; she has a way of keeping her mouth shut. She's not as gossipy as many women I know, and it's not like she is that close to Catherine, Sofia or any other of the girls at work. It would be more likely she had told Warrick if she wanted to gossip with anyone, but she wouldn't have done that if she knew it was Nick. Not Warrick, Nick's best friend.

And then there's Grissom.

I think she has told him I have a boyfriend. Sara and Grissom are close. She has that smile she doesn't know she has whenever his name is mentioned. I wonder if she knows that I know.

I feel free sometimes when I'm with Sara. She lets me talk about my secret boyfriend. She lets me feel like he is someone I'm not hiding. And I talk a lot. I think she sometimes tune me out and think of other things, probably Grissom, but I don't mind. I don't really need her to listen to every word I say, as long as I'm allowed to talk about him, next to another human being, that at least pretend to listen.

Four: Candle lights
~ to give you light when you feel burned out. ~

[NICK]

It's not like we don't live together, we actually do. I remember the first time he stayed over though; it was his birthday and I wanted to make something special for him. Since we were all quiet about our relationship, going out wasn't such a great idea, so I decided on making him a romantic dinner at home.

I'm not the best cook, I'll admit that, but I have learned how to barbeque a steak with a strong homemade barbeque sauce, which is a Stokes family recipe.

I cleaned the house, not that he hadn't seen it in all stages before, and besides, he makes more mess than I do. But I cleaned none the less.

I set the table on the back porch and lit candles to set the mood. I thought about going with the one red rose as well, but decided against it. It's Greg after all, not some girl.

I think he liked it. He smiled when he saw the set table, and asked what he could do to help. I wanted to serve on him, so all he had to do was to sit still, something that's not easy for Greg to do. There's always some part of his body moving, except when he sleeps. It was quite a surprise to discover him so motionless. But I've learned that he wakes up pretty much the way he fell asleep, with an arm across my chest, a leg thrown possessively over my lower body and his head nestled on my shoulder. I found it rather uncomfortably in the beginning. I have the habit of changing my position rather often when I sleep, but with him pinning me down, I woke up whenever I tried. I have adapted by now, and now it seems I can't sleep without him wrapped around me.

I was debating with myself what to buy him. We had been seeing each other for about 4 months and I didn't want to go over the top, but still, it was his special day.

[GREG]

I think the first time we really made love was the day Nick surprised me with my birthday celebration. Before that we'd had sex.

It wasn't on the day of my birthday; it was a couple of days later. My actual birthday was rather bad actually. I was stuck at work many hours past my shift, and it was a rather dirty shift as well. I was so disappointed when Nick just slapped me on my back saying "Happy birthday" and gave me the latest Marilyn Manson CD. Not that I didn't want that CD, it's just that it wasn't exactly as romantic as I had hoped for.

Then, two days later when we both by some miracle had the same day off, he invited me over. I said "yeah, of course." It's not like we didn't spend most of the time together anyway.

I expected beer, snacks and a video game as usual, but the sight that met me was something completely different.

Instead of stashing up on the couch, he led me through his living room and out the back door to the porch. There I was met by a table all set with a fine table cloth and candles, I had no idea what to think. I was stunned.

"What," he said "did you think that the CD would be all?"

"Yeah," I said not revealing that I had been disappointed.

"Well, you were wrong. Sit down."

I was all self-conscious and didn't know what to do with my hands. I started fidgeting with the table cloth and succeeded in unsettling everything. I hurriedly put it all back in place and pretended not to see the laughter on Nick's lips.

The food wasn't all that spectacular, gastronomically speaking, but that's not what I like anyway. This was real food, the kind we like, and it was made with love. According to Nick there's no real celebration without Steak and beer.

We ate every bit of the food, and then Nick asked me to wait where I was. I had no plans of going anywhere, but obviously he had. He went inside and into his spare bedroom. I had no idea what to expect, and if I had started guessing, I would never have thought of what happened next.

Out he came with something fluffy in his hands; a bundle of fur, and it was meowing. The meowing bundle was fighting the huge blue ribbon tied around her neck. I couldn't believe my eyes.

"What?" I said.

"Happy birthday, Greggo," he smiled handing me the kitten.

It felt so soft curling up in the palm of my hands.

"For me?" I stuttered.

"It's your birthday," he said, and I didn't even point out that technically it wasn't.

"You already gave me a gift."

"The CD?"

"Yeah, the CD."

"Tha' wasn't enough. I wanted to give you somethin' special, and I know how much you want a cat." He started to look worried, and I hurried to state that it was fine.

"I love it! But Nick…"

"Yeah."

"You know I can't have animals in my building. That's why I don't have a cat already."

"I know. But I thought it sorta might live here. You're here all the time anyway."

"You mean?"

"Yeah. You can move in with it…... that's… if you like to."

I probably drank a little bit too much, but not enough to get wasted. I was feeling fizzy, happy, and very much in love. And probably a bit giggly as we removed each others clothes one by one on the way to the bedroom. I nearly tripped as Nick pulled down my pants without removing my shoes, but I managed to stay on my feet, although not very graciously.

We made it to the bed and landed on the mattress all bundled together, him on top of me. Although we were in a hurry to get in there, we started out on with lazy kisses. For once we enjoyed tasting each other, drinking each other in. I loved how he locked eyes with me, and kept looking at me as he explored my body. The most wonderful thing was that he never broke eye contact as he put the condom on me and lowered himself on my hardened member. I had dreamed about making love to Nick many times, but experiencing the man I love riding me in an almost painfully slow rhythm while staring into the depth of my soul was on the verge of what I could handle. I was swept away, torn apart and gently rebuilt as a slightly changed person. I could never be the same again.

I hoped this meant that I was gaining a stronger position in his life.

Five: a penny
~ with thanks for sharing your thoughts. ~

A/N: the coin flipped in the episode may have been something differently – but in this story it's a penny!

[GREG]

I should have known the happiness from my birthday wouldn't last. I didn't even get the chance to move in, officially as room mate, before the world changed again.

I have numerous times seen the flip of the coin played before my inner eye, which is pretty weird since I never saw it in the real life. I was playing ‘duke of hazard' as the above mentioned penny was tossed in the air before sealing the fate of the man that I love. I could feel guilty for sitting just feet away, using my time playing a board game, as his destiny took a turn in the wrong direction, but I don't. I don't feel the need to blame myself for things I have absolutely no control over.

Part of me wanted Warrick to be in that box instead of Nick, although the sting of black conscience that burns through my bone marrow every time I think that, tells me that I really don't want any of my friends to be in that Plexi glass casket.

I need to direct my anger at the correct person to blame: Walter Gordon. I blame him, and I blame his daughter.

I'm not Nick. I can't not hate Kelly Gordon.

But then again, Nick is the one who secretly still blames Catherine for what happened to me. I never did. Maybe it's easier to forgive when it's you who are the victim? I have a hard time forgiving anyone who ever hurts the ones I love.

I wanted to blame Cath at times though, I admit that. I wanted to blame someone. I wanted there to be a reason. I didn't want it to be a fucking accident that I had no control over. I like to have control.

Mostly I like to have control of myself, that's why I usually don't show my anger. No, I like to think that I act balanced.

I know people will say that I'm far from balanced, that I goof around too much. But that's just acting. No, I try to act balanced, and I don't blow up at people. Not like Nick does. Nick has passion. His need to protect is so strong that he's willing to forget everything around him. Nick would have made a crack in the wall if it were me in that hole.

Me? I just kept my silence and did my job. You may think that I was strong, that I was keeping it together, but I wasn't.

No, inside I was falling apart. I was screaming. I was crying. Not just on the inside though. I was actually crying. Inside a bathroom stall, on the roof of the lab and in the car on my way to the blown up warehouse Gordon had made into a bloody crime scene for us. But I pulled myself together before I had to face the others. If I had let them see me, they would have seen my raw feelings. There were no restrains on my tears, and I couldn't let them become aware of how deeply I felt. I wouldn't have known how to handle it, and I even owed it to Nick to protect the only thing left for me to protect: his secret.

I met his parents; Mrs. and Judge Stokes. Mom and Cisco as Nick called them. I needed to protect his secret; to protect them from the truth, and that hurt me.

I wanted to call out to them that I suffered with them.

I wanted someone to hug me and tell me that they would do all that they could to get Nick back to me.

I wanted someone to take care of me, because I too was falling apart!

But I held it together. I watched the couple, that would be the closest I ever come to in-laws, sob in despair, as I pretended to be a friend amongst friends. My place in line was behind his family and behind the closest in the team, in line with the rest of the lot.

I felt bad for feeling hurt by not being recognized as more important in Nick's life. I wanted to be recognized as the most important in his life, for he for sure is the most important in mine. Then, in that moment, due to a flip of a coin, the balance in our relationship was changed. I could no longer be number two.

Six: Band Aid
~ to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's ~

[NICK]

After my abduction I couldn't sleep without having Greg close to me. I knew as long I felt his warm body next to mine that I was not in the casket. If I ever felt the bed cold beside me, I would wake up bathed in sweat, so Greg made sure to wrap his arms around me the entire night to help me sleep.

That's the reason I couldn't go home to my parents to heal as they wanted me to. I would've loved to stay with them the weeks I was on leave, but there was no way I could be without Greg. I needed him next to me whenever I shut my eyes. And he never left my side.

We used my …. ehm… it as an excuse for Greg to move in with me. I didn't want to live alone after the… incident. No one asked what bedroom he was using.

[GREG]

I think Nick really did think of me as a part of us, I certainly did.

That's why the holidays were such a shock. I mean, I knew we weren't out. I just didn't anticipate feeling so abandoned.

"Happy Thanksgiving"

I could hear Nick on the phone with his mother doing the compulsory talk I had done with my mom earlier that day.

"No, I'm workin' mom"

The difference was that I had told my mom the real reason why I didn't spent thanksgiving with my family that year.

"Yes, mom, I wish I was there with you as well."

And he could have been. I would have loved to go with him.

"Christmas? Yeah, I guess so, I'll try to come out a day or two before Christmas."

I'd asked that we'd celebrate Christmas together. Getting time off at Christmas was a luxury not available for the newest member of the team.

"Nah, no one special."

No one he would tell his family about, he meant.

"No, no one I said. I'm not seein' anyone."

Right.

I left the room before I would get more worked up and saying things I would regret in the morning.

[NICK]

Greg makes me happy.

My house was never a home before he moved in. It was been a place to sleep and eat, but I haven't really been living my life there.

Greg adds color to my life, literally. He has brightened up my black leather couch with colorful cushions and tripled the amount of CD's in the house. With Kattastrofen living there as well, we never know what will be destroyed by the time we come home. One time that damn cat managed to hang the cactus, which usually sits on the window sill, up in the curtains.

He loved to decorate the place for Christmas, and there simply weren't any trees big enough for him. God forbid we'd use plastic. Real pine is the only tree that matters. Apparently it is all about the smell.

He filled the house with weird looking Norwegian Santa's (gnomes really) his grandparents had picked up on their many trips to the home country. He even put all our gifts under the tree, even though I was to pack them to bring with me to Texas.

I love how he would tell me stories about the Norwegian traditions that they still follow in his family, although most of their Christmas traditions is done the American way now.

Three days before Christmas he sat me down and told me to open his gift to me. I didn't want to, it didn't seem fit to open the presents before Christmas day, but he claimed he wanted to see my face as I opened it, and I were to leave for Texas early the next morning.

We sat cross legged facing each other in front of the tree. He had dimmed the lights in the living room leaving only the tree lights to light up the space.

I could tell he was anxious.

He reached in to pick out a small gift from the stack.

It was wrapped in a gloriously colored paper, not very neatly folded around the corners. Only Greg would get a paper cut from wrapping Christmas gifts, and only Greg would put a Batman Band Aid on it. And only Greg would look good with Batman wrapped around his index finger.

The gift was light in weight, but the importance of it heavy.

Greg let out his breath nervously as he motioned for me to open it.

I can still feel the weight of it in my hand if I close my eyes

I opened the gift wrappings and uncovered a green jewelry box from an unknown jeweler. Gullsmed Anthony Sandberg shone at me from the top of the deep green box.

Under the lid lay two massive silver rings, the rings were woven with an intricate pattern.

"Viking rings?" I asked.

"Yeah."

There were two of them and I didn't know what to think.

"Commitment rings," he said.

I could only look at him.

"I mean, if you like to. I thought we could have commitments rings, because you know… We already live together and we love each other, right? And it's not like we can get married or anything, but that doesn't mean we don't get to have rings. And I know you don't want to be open about it, but I thought with these rings, it's not so obvious. It's not like they are designed like wedding bands or anything, and you don't even have to wear it at work. I mean, I don't even wear rings at work anyway. And if you like to, it's not like the ring looks that much different than the ring you usually wear anyway, so it's not like anyone will think twice about you wearing one."

He said it all in one breath.

I still couldn't say anything.

"Bad idea?" He started to fumble. " 'kay, just forget ‘bout it. Just. It doesn't have to mean anything. I just…. I thought…. forget it okay?"

"I can't."

"What?"

"I can't forget about it… I won't. This was…. thank you."

"You like it?"

"I love it! Of course I want commitment rings. I love it! I love you."

[GREG]

Last Christmas Eve I called my family.

"God Jul" I said remembering all the Christmas eves I had spent celebrating Christmas the Norwegian way. I always considered myself lucky to be part of two cultures that celebrated Christmas on two different dates, that way I got to open presents two days in a row.

That Christmas though, I had two days to be alone.

SEVEN: Toothpick
~ to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself ~

[NICK]

"Nick…. Nick!!"

I get yanked out of my thoughts as I hear Warrick call for me from the door.

"What?"

"Brass has Evan Reed in the interrogation room."

"Coming"

I know Greg wants more. I know he wants us to be a real couple out in the open. And frankly, he deserves that.

That's the irony of it all. I never really thought about how you're always limited by other people, even though they don't mean to put strings on you. And even though I put independence highly, I actually do limit Greg's choices by refusing to do what he wants the most. And through that, I end up hurting us both, all to protect my mother.

Why, you ask? It's as simple as I know what I have…

I know, they probably won't turn their back on me. They love me! They do! They have proven that over and over. But then, so have so many of my victims thought.

Victims that have been assaulted by those they trusted the most.

I just don't trust that easily.

I don't take things for granted anymore.

I haven't since I was nine.

*

Evan Reed looks defeated in his chair. He has tear streaks down his chin.

"I didn't mean to," he keep saying.

He has admitted to the act and all left, is to ask why.

Because there seems to be no apparent reason.

"I didn't plan to."

It just happened?

"So, why?" Brass ask the question we all wonder.

"It was self defense."

Against his friend?

"So he attacked you first?"

"Yeah."

Out of the blue…

"Just like that?"

"No."

No?

"Then, why?"

"I shocked him," he said.

What?

"Shocked him? How?"

"He thought I came on to him. I didn't. I really didn't!"

Something clicks in to place.

"So you're gay?"

The words are out of my mouth before anyone else has a change to ask the question.

"Hey," Mr. Reed jumps up ready to lash out on me, "It's normal you know! Many people are!"

"I know," I return sharply to calm him down, "I'm one of them!"

[GREG]

The holidays are coming up again and I don't wanna go through the same thing all over again. So that's how I ended up in this situation; about to leave my boyfriend.

I don't know when to tell him though. I think I'll do it today after shift, there's no time like the present.

[NICK]

Warrick leaves the interrogation room before me, and I follow close by. He hasn't reacted to my statement, but I can see the cogs turning in his head, mostly because of the thorough biting of the toothpick he pulled up from his pocket. I don't know if he will say something or if I have to start the conversation. I only know that something needs to be said.

"So…" I say

"So," he answers just as eloquently.

"I'm, you know… do you…"

"So. Gay huh?"

"Yeah."

"And you didn't care to tell me, because?"

"I didn't tell anyone."

"Scared?"

"Habit. Scared. Dunno."

"What did you think I'd do?"

"Nothing, it's not you. It's just that… I haven't told anyone."

"No one?"

"No one. Not even my parents."

"That's though man."

"Nothing personal, bro."

"I thought you had a girlfriend."

"Nope…"

"I just assumed. You said you were seeing someone a while back… I just assumed…"

"I never said anything about gender, did I?"

"Guess not."

"No…"

"So.."

"So… we're cool?"

"I probably need a little to digest it. But yeah, we're cool."

"Good."

"So, boyfriend, huh?"

"Yeah…"

"So…"

"You better sit down for this one….."

"…"

"It's Greg."

"Whoa! Greg? As in…. Greg? Sanders… Greg?"

"You know any other Greg?"

"Whoa… I…. I need another…. Greg, huh?"

"Yeah. He's the one."

"You know, I need a beer to down this."

He rises to leave the room and I follow his back with my eyes.

He turns and locks eyes with me while nodding towards the exit door.

"Wanna join me on that beer?"

Eight: Mint
~ To remind you that you are worth a mint to your family ~

[NICK]

I lock myself in four hours after end of shift.

Warrick and I have been drinking more than one beer, and I'm confident he'll be okay with us in the end.

I have actually told someone now. I have told Warrick, even Brass and I can't wait to tell Greg what I did. He will be so happy. I really didn't plan on telling them today. I was so shocked when I did.

It's not that I have wanted to keep us a secret. I know that's what Greg believes. I just haven't found a way to tell him how I really feel, what I'm so afraid of. How can I tell him that I keep us secret because I'm scared of my own reactions?

I know it's not enough, I know he wants more, but at least it's a step in the right direction.

I hear the shower as I pass the bathroom door.

Shouldn't Greg be in bed? Oh, that's right, he has his first court date today. He probably has to be in court in a short time.

So much for telling him the good news today. I'll tell him tomorrow morning over bacon and egg, his favorite breakfast.

Or maybe I'll surprise him with breakfast in bed, complete with a mint on the pillow, just like on the hotel trips he enjoys us taking once every blue moon. I'll even throw in some expensive coffee to make it special.

For now though, I'll settle with joining him in the shower.

[GREG]

I didn't hear him come in.

He pushes the shower curtains aside and steps in behind me. I move to make room for him, but do not welcome him the way I used to. I let him touch me and stroke my wet skin. I lean my head back and taste some warm water as a few salty tears blends with the shower spray. I want to break free, but I need to feel him one more time. I'm not ready to let him go just yet. He wraps his arms around me and nuzzles my neck. I feel his erection against my cleft, and before I can stop myself I push back against him. I need him. I ache for him, and I beg for him to fuck me.

"Fuck," I moan. "Fuck me now."

He turns me around as he kneels down in front of me and places both his hands on my butt cheeks. He massages them as he gently licks my dick base up. I whimper and press my palms against the tiles to prevent myself from grabbing his head to push myself in. He loves to tease, he always teases. He knows it makes me come hard.

He starts with the head and taste the precum with the tip of his tongue. Before I can beg, he forms a circle with his lips and swallows me whole. He sucks hard and steady, never misses a beat. I try to keep up with his rhythm with my breathing, but I start gasping as I come closer to orgasm.

I don't want to come; I don't want it to end, for I know when it ends it's forever.

I come too soon and harder than I can ever remember having done before.

My legs are shaking, but he doesn't even let me come down from my high before he turns me around again. I place my arms against the wall and leans my head in them to give him better access.

I want to scream when our skin break contact as he leans out to grab the waterproof lube. He pours a rich amount in his right hand before he moves it to my entrance and pushes his finger gently inside me. I don't want gentle today. I want rough.

He kisses my neck and I can't keep my tongue.

"More."

He marks me on my shoulder and I know I never can get him off of me again.

I feel his left hand circle my lower back, mapping the terrain of my scars a unique part of me that only he has seen.

I can't stand it anymore.

"Now," I beg.

He retracts his fingers and kisses me in between my shoulder blades.

He grabs my hips while placing himself behind me. The shower spray hits me in my face as his penis pop through the tight muscle ring. I feel a burning sensation that last only a fraction of a second before he gently pushes further in. Even if we were frantic, he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. He is always careful to make sure that I am adjusted to size before he starts moving. I motion for him to continue. On the second stroke he hits my bundle of nerves and I'm on my way to another orgasm. I feel his hands on my cock matching the rhythm of his thrusts in to me. Four strokes later I spray my load on the tiles only to watch it be washed down the drain.

I feel the proof of his climax pour out of me as he kisses me one more time on my neck and steps out of the shower.

I choke my sobs until he closes the door behind him.

Nine: Pencil
~ to remind you to list your blessings every day ~

[NICK]

I'm having a bite to eat in the break room when I see Greg coming in. He's still wearing the suit and I want to ask him how it went today. He never came into the bedroom after the shower this morning.

He pops his head in asking for Catherine.

"In the layout room," Warrick answers before I can say anything.

Greg isn't even looking at me, he just turns his back and walks away. We all look after him.

"What's with him lately," Warrick asks out in the air.

"Boy trouble," Sara answers.

I nearly choke on my sandwich.

"What?" I mumble with my mouth full of food.

"I think his about to break up with his boyfriend," she says.

I feel the blood drain from my brain.

"How… what…how do you know? What have he said?"

Warrick tries not to look at me, I can tell. He's suspiciously busy biting his pencil.

"Nothing," she says, "that's the point. He was always so happy, talking about his boyfriend. And now he has stopped. He won't even talk about him when I ask."

I excuse myself to run to the bathroom before my just finished sandwich comes up again.

God I hurt him.

All the signs were there. He told me, didn't he? He told me so many times to tell them. Except, I never thought it was this serious. He never said anything about leaving.

He even gave me a commitment ring, didn't he? We wear it every day. I even wear mine at work. It's like he said, no one would notice. He wears his in a chain around his neck while on work, but as soon as were home, he puts it on his finger again.

Oh my God I'm losing him.

I didn't understand.

I didn't see….

He has been more distant.

It can't be too late…

I thought he was…. I knew he wasn't entirely happy about it, but I didn't see. Not this! We're not close to end! We're not!

I told him! I told Warrick!

I'm changing! Don't you see that?

Don't you see that I'm changing?

How could I do this to him?

[GREG]

I listen to the radio as I drive towards the crime scene.

Drop the monkey suit Grissom told me. How little does he know; I made the suit look good. Besides, it made me good to feel hot. When you feel like shit on the inside there's nothing better than to plaster the outside, right?

I detect a few stray pedestrians otherwise the street is fairly empty. I have time to let my thoughts fly and I can't help myself but let them swirl around Nick. I feel sad.

I can't stay…

I know I am the one who wants out of this relationship, yet I feel heartbroken. My hope has died.

I don't want to be second choice.

This was it. This was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, yet I'm on my way to leave him.

I need him to choose me. I need him to put me first, and I need him to do it by his own choice.

In the corner of my eye I see a group of people in a nearby alley. I drive by before my brain register what my eye caught. I stop my car and reverse to take another look. A group of people. Hooded. Just like the case we all are working on. An assault in progress. I call it in.

"Wait for backup."

If I only could stop loving him.

My heart screams for Nick.

You would have known what to do. You wouldn't have waited for backup. You have taught me to fight for the innocent. You have taught me to be strong.

I hang up and start my car. Backup will be too late.

I'm not armed. I don't like firearms. I have always said guns increase the risk of violence.

I wish I had listened to you now, Nick.

I wish I had taken your advice and worn a piece. You have offered to teach me to shoot so many times. I have always told you no. No I don't need to, I say. Except, I wish I had one now. I'm defenseless. I can only hope they will believe I have a gun, and run off.

My heart is pounding as I drive towards the crowd. I flash my lights, honk the horn, and yell for them to run away. The person on the ground is still, the figures surrounding him all very active. They are hitting, kicking and screaming. I scream as well. I scream for them to stop, and I'm acting on pure adrenaline.

All but one flees the scene, but one man stays. I honk the horn again. He turns and look at me with the most piercing blue eyes. They shine through the night and I can't do anything but stare. He turns around, but not to run.

He picks up a stone, aims to throw it on the defenseless creature still on the ground, but changes his mind and runs towards me.

In a split second before I can think, my body reacts and I push the accelerator with my right foot. The car speeds up and hits him straight on. The world suddenly goes quiet. The blood is pounding in my ears as I turn to see if there are anyone left.

Out of nowhere a stone is thrown through the rear window. I start to retract as the side window crushes and hands are reaching in to drag me out.

I never did do sport at school. I have started doing Muay Thai now, but even though I brag to Nick about how good I am, I don't have much to stand up with in a crowd. I feel my body being dragged through the window, a piece of broken grass penetrate my side and slice open a wound, but I'm more concerned for what is to come.

I have no power to fight back, and before I know it numerous fists and feet are beating up on me.

I wonder how long it took the other victims to die.

I'm thrown towards a fence, and someone hit me hard in the back, once, twice, three times.

I have been hurt on the back before, but this time it is fists, not flames that eats it's way in.

I want to live.

I fall to the ground, and they start using their feet. With help of gravity, and much larger thigh muscles, they got power enough to kick the breath out of me.

But there is no use to live without you.

I start to escape reality as the beating lessens.

Please, Nick come get me.

They start to leave me. I look up and catch the eye of a boy. He spit on me before turning his back to me. I reach out and grab him by his ankle and scratch his leg. The moment before the world goes black I see a car bump into the Denali.

TEN: Rubber Band
~ to remind you to be flexible; things may not always go the way you want but they always work out. ~

[NICK]

The phone ring three times before she answers.

"Stokes, Jillian speaking"

I need you mom!

I was sitting in the dark waiting for my mom to come home. The babysitter had gone down. I didn't follow. My only occupation was to snap the rubber band over my finger. One, two, three, four….

I feel the pain and welcome the distraction.

"Mom," my voice cracks as I call out for the one person who can comfort me in this situation.

"Baby. What's wrong?"

Four-hundred and forty-six, four-hundred and forty-seven…

"Nick?"

"I'm your baby?"

I needed to hear it. I needed to still be her baby. Only mom can make it better.

"Mom, I could have lost him," I blurt out, crying now not concerned with anyone seeing me.

"You'll always be my baby. You're my youngest one."

I never needed to know…

"What are you talking about? Who? What happened?"

"I'll be your baby forever?"

"Greg…I could've lost him."

"Always."

Always…. She will always be there.

"Nick, honey, you're not making any sense. Greg? Greg Sanders? Your friend? Has something happened to him?"

"And when I'll grow up?"

Maybe she'll stop loving me then?

"I love him mom. We've….And I could've lost him today. He was attacked, and…"

"You'll still be my baby, just like I'm still grandma's baby."

"Oh my God!"

"You are? But you're so old!"

"… he could've died. He's in the hospital. I can't live without him. I love him…. I love him so much. I can't lose him. I can't…"

"You're never too old to be your mommy's child."

I can see Sara waving at me that the doctor is coming and I hang up before she can answer. I run inside to hear the news.

"Doctor?"

"He's going to be fine."

Sara and I sigh of relief simultaneously. She grabs my hand and give me a reassuringly squeeze, and I can't help but wonder when she realized the truth about us.

"He has two fractured ribs, a bruised cheekbone, a hair fracture in his right hand, but other than that it's just cuts and bruises. We will keep him for a couple of days, but then he is free to go home."

"Can we see him?"

"Just one of you," he says, "he has been sedated and needs his rest."

I look at Sara and she nods for me to go in.

"Thank you," I tell her and she understands.

"You're welcome."

[GREG]

I hear the door crack open and then gentle steps on the floor. Someone is trying to make as little noise as possible, but forgets that rubber soles makes a squeaking sound on linoleum. I smell the scent of Nick.

"Nick," I say to let him know I'm awake.

"I thought you were asleep."

I crack open my left eye, the only one I can open at the moment.

"I can't." I say. I don't elaborate, he knows.

"Bad thoughts?"

"Yeah."

He comes up to my bed and kisses me on my forehead. I can't feel it though, because there is several layers of bandages separating my skin from his lips. His face is tear stricken yet I'm sure I look much worse than he does.

"You scared me," he says.

I don't answer. I know it all too well.

"Can you…?" I indicate with my left hand.

He looks at me with question in his eyes before he nods in understanding.

"Of course," he says and grabs the chair. He carries it to the other side of the bed so he can sit by my left side. I give him my hand to hold, and he holds it between his palms. Now and then he brings it to his lips to kiss.

"You okay?" He asks me, something we both know I'm not.

"Yeah," I say. When did I stop telling him the truth?

"You will be," he says, answering the true answer.

I can feel my eyes getting heavy, and best of all, the painkillers makes the ache disappear leaving me numb and tired.

"Sleep now," I hear my lover whisper and I do as he says.

ELEVEN: A tea bag
~ to remind you to take time for yourself (and go over that list of blessings); you've earned it ~

[NICK]

I see red.

Red paint on the side of the Denali.

Grissom has called me and Warrick in, to work the crime scene.

I'm so proud of Greg. He hasn't said anything, but I know he's debating whether or not he did the right thing. He acted to save an innocent man. He went in without backup even though he was scared.

The ironic thing is, knowing him, he will later stress the fact that he was scared and make that into not being brave.

He doesn't see that the fact, that he constantly faces his fears, is what makes him brave. Not being scared wouldn't make him braver, just stupid.

I however, I have never been brave, not even close. I have been scared and not been man enough to face it. I have been scared of being me. I have been scared to let my parents see who I am. I have even been too scared to pick up the phone when my mother has tried to call me back. I now have three unanswered phone calls on my cell phone.

Greg never back down. He's true to himself and true to what he believes in. And he believes in justice. He believes in helping those who are defenceless.

I have always said that I wanted him to leave it alone, to not push me. But I'm not sure now. Yeah, I didn't want him to force me to do anything I wasn't ready to, but isn't the fact that he doesn't settle for less than he deserves one of the reasons why I love him? Would I love him if he gave up without a fight? Doesn't he deserve to live in the open, when that's what he wants? But then, don't I deserve to be discrete about it, when that's what I need? So what do we do then, when our wishes go in the opposite directions?

Compromise.

How I hate that word.

Maybe he's right. Maybe he ought to leave me. What good am I when I can't even make compromises to the man I love?

"I think I just found a piece of Sanders' hair."

I bite my teeth not to growl. I wanna scream. I want justice.

It's true as I told him, I'm scared of losing my family, I am!

Except I didn't tell him the entire truth.

I don't believe they will disown me. I think it's me that's the real problem, not them.

I'm scared that I won't be able to look my mother in the eyes and face the fear I've put in there. I didn't tell her when I was nine, afraid that it was my fault. I didn't tell her about it later either, when I no longer blamed myself, afraid she would never let me go.

"So what, did somebody else get a beat down?"

"You bitches haven't caught them cats yet?"

A punk yell at us from the crowd.

Now I really see red.

"s'cuse me?"

I don't care that people see me. I don't care that I wear the badge.

I could have lost him, because I'm a coward.

I hear Warrick yell at them to move on.

"You call that working? Why is there an ass-whooping on every other block?" Another one speak up.

I see Greg. I see his bravery and his courage being trampled on, on this very street. I see his beat up face and I see his scared looking eyes, and I rise to speak up.

"There's about to be an ass-whooping on this block."

" ‘s that right?"

"That's right."

" Hey, Nick ..." Warrick shout at me, but I'm beyond listening to him now.

"Man, you're weak, weak, weak, weak."

The first punk speak again, and I go towards him.

"I'm sorry. You're not weak," he continues.

"Nick," Warrick shouts my name again, but it has no meaning to me.

"You're a joke."

There's nothing about this that's a joke. There's no joke that my soul mate, my Love is lying injured in a hospital bed. There's no joke that he could have died believing I didn't love him the way he deserves.

I punch him in the stomach and feel the pain shoot up my arm as his flesh stop my arm from shooting further in the forward direction. The pain feels good.

Warrick grabs me from behind and pushes me away.

"What 're doin'? We beating people up now?"

He doesn't yell though. I can see the sympathy in his eyes. He knows, he knows it's my life partner that's lying hurt in the hospital.

"I'm sick of these punks. Seriously I'm sick of it."

"Then you're in the wrong town."

"Maybe."

Maybe I am. But there's no running away. I have run for the most of my life, and maybe it's time I stayed and faced my life.

[GREG]

I wake up to see Sara in the chair.

"Where's Nick?" I ask before I can think.

"He and Warrick are working your crime scene."

"Oh," I say again.

"He'll be fine," she say.

What? I ask her with my one almost open eye.

"Nick, he'll be fine."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. He didn't have to."

Again I let my eye speak.

"Nick isn't very good at hiding his emotions when he's upset. He wouldn't have cracked up like that for just a friend."

"I'm…."

"It's okay you know."

"Sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's okay. I know you wanted to. And knowing it's Nick, I kinda understand."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's Nick."

"Yeah."

[NICK]

I stopped by the house to feed Kattastrofen and take a shower before I went to the hospital again.

It was lying there, on the bathroom counter; his ring. He had taken it off, all because I wouldn't tell my parents.

But I did…

I can't believe I told Mom. She has called me yet another two times on my cell, and I'm still not answering. Oh shit, what would she think? Not the best way to out your self to your mom. Oh my God she will…

"…freak out."

I snap out of my thoughts when I suddenly realize Greg is talking to me. I hadn't noticed him waking up, and I put my tea down to reach for his hand.

"What did you say?"

"I said she'll freak out!"

"Who?"

He just stares at me.

I stare back.

"Haven't you heard a word I have been telling you?"

No.

"No."

He sighs like only Greg and my mother know how.

"My mom, that's who."

"Why?"

"Why?"

"That's what I said, why…"

"She doesn't know I'm out of the lab yet."

Ouch, that's right.

"Ouch."

"That's all you can say?"

"I'm sorry Greggo."

"I'll be so dead."

"No you won't"

"She's gonna kill me, you know how she is."

"I know she loves you."

"Yeah."

"At least, we'll be in this together."

"huh?"

"My mom's probably freaking out as well."

"Why?"

"I kinda called her yesterday."

"And?"

"Uhm… I told her, in a very incoherent, frantically matter about how my lover was hurt and in the hospital."

"You did what?"

"I told her."

"And what did she say to that?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Well, I hung up before she had time really…."

"Nick!!!"

"What? Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Yeah, but not over the phone, and not like that."

"Well, stop getting beaten up then!"

"It's not like I wanted to!"

"Are we interrupting something?"

None of us had heard the door open.

"Mom! Dad" I choke out as I see my parents standing in the room.

TWELVE: Eraser
~ To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's all right. ~

[GREG]

Nick helps me out of the car. I can manage on my own, but I think he needs to help me. He's been quiet the last two days, I mean even more quiet than usual and I haven't been able to talk to him about his parents coming to the hospital.

It wasn't exactly how I'd imagined meeting them. I had pictured dinner, awkwardness (which did occur to say the least), handshakes and polite small talk. I had feared a third degree interrogation and angry accusations about our relationship, but careful hugs, gentle strokes on the cheek and genuine concern by the hospital bed had never been among the scenarios played in my mind.

Nick nearly fell of his chair when they came in. I swear his eyes popped out for a second. As soon as he could pick himself up from the floor again he rose to meet them with a bear hug. Even though he's a head taller than his mom and has shoulders that are wider than his father, he still looked so small. My strong, fearless boyfriend looked like a schoolboy ready for the first day at school.

"Greg, " the judge addressed me, and I gave him a nod, uncertain if I could find my voice. I didn't trust myself to smile, and to be honest, smiling did hurt a bit.

"Sir," I almost whispered out after a short while.

"Call me Bill," he said, reaching his hand towards me.

I gave him my left hand, to spare my injured right.

"Bill," I repeated.

"So, you're it," He gave me a stern look, making me appreciate no longer being a scared scrawny 15 year old. I didn't know what to say, afraid to say more than Nick might have revealed.

"I guess so," I had to answer.

"Hm…," he grumbled, not giving any other comment.

"Don't mind him," Jillian interrupted, pushing her husband aside. "He's just a silly old man." She smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I lifted my eyes to meet Nick's for the first time. Nick's eyes has always captured me. They have such a gentleness to them, and yet a strong passion and anger when aggravated. His eyes were moist with tears, and a light of relief shone through them. I realized that he was the one who had suffered the most by keeping us quiet.

[NICK]

Greg hasn't said anything about meeting my parents. I still don't know what to think. I don't want him to stay with me because he feels he has to, that he owes me now that I finally did what he wanted. I want him to stay for me.

At least he knows now.

I walk back in after walking my parents out.

"Hey there" I smile at Greg when I open the door to his room. I don't seem to be able to stop smiling.

"Hey," He turns his head towards me and smiles back, but regrets it the moment pain set in.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." Same question and same answer.

I know he will struggle with this for a long time, the same way he knows I'm still struggling with even the smallest bug.

"What are you doing here?" He asks me as if I hadn't just walked my parents out. He knew I would come back, didn't he?

"Visiting you," I say, I thought that was obvious.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work I mean?"

"Night off."

"Oh…"

He shifts in his bed trying to find a better position, but the IV's hindering him.

"Here, let me help you," I grab his good arm and help him up, while lifting his pillow and positioning it higher behind his back.

"Thanks." He gives me a crooked smile, not as wide this time.

"You're welcome." I want to brush the hair of his forehead, but it's all concealed by heavy bandages.

"Hey… It's not your day off." Leave it to Greggo to know my schedule.

"Yes it is." It's now anyway.

"No, it's not until Saturday."

"I switched with Warrick." I say it shrugging my shoulders.

"Ah…"

He seems to settle with that, at least for a fraction of a minute.

"How?"

"How, what?"

"How did you switch? I mean, what excuse did you make to switch days. He is pretty possessive about his day off."

"He knows about us." I give him another shrug of the shoulder.

"Oh… WHAT?... ouch." He yelps as he tries to rise too fast.

"Easy there…" I run forward to help him, eager to prevent him from adding another injury to his already beaten body. "I told him."

"You told him about us?"

"Yeah."

"To come here?"

"Nah. I kinda told him yesterday."

"You told him yesterday?"

"That's what I said."

"Why?"

"'just happened."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

[GREG]

Yesterday.

The word keeps churning in my head.

He didn't do it because I was injured. He did it because…. He didn't even tell me about it.

[NICK]

I'm scared, but not of facing my mom's fear. I should've done that a long time ago. I'm scared of admitting what a coward I've been. How disappointed they must be in me, all of them. Greg, for not being acknowledged, and mom and Cisco for not being given the chance to know who I really am.

I thought…..

I thought I did her a favor. I thought that she was better off not knowing…

When I was… buried. When I…

When I made up my mind, I was glad I hadn't told her. I was prepared to pull the trigger, and I didn't even consider how Greg would be without the support he needed.

He was alone, even though I was saved in time….

He did it. He protected my secret, the secret I couldn't keep myself when the roles were reversed.

[GREG]

I have fought for this so many times. I thought I knew what I wanted, what I had to do. Yet I have missed to see that I've done exactly the same thing.

Is it worse that Nick wanted to protect his mother from fear when I did the same to avoid my mother worrying? Yes, there is a difference. His choice hurt me as well, but who says my feelings has priority over his?

I want to apologize. I want to tell him I'm sorry for not being patient enough to wait for him to be ready. He deserves that, doesn't he? But how do you apologize for something you don't want him to know?

Telling him I wanted to leave would hurt him even more.

[NICK]

I can see Greg's thinking. He gets this distant look in his eyes.

"You in pain?" I ask making sure nothing's wrong.

"Nah, just sore" he says, and I believe him this time.

"Something wrong?" I fumble with his ring in my jeans pocket.

"Nah, everything's fine."

"You… you want to…. I mean…." I can't say it, afraid to hear his response.

"Wha'?"

"I know you want to leave me." There, it's out.

Greg shift on the sofa, looking uncomfortable. I never meant it to come out like that. "I'm sorry, just forget…" I add.

"No, I… what? How?"

"So it's true then? You're leaving me?" I can't help myself, I hear my voice tremble.

"No, God! Nick, no!"

"But…"

"Why do you think that?"

"Sara…."

"Sara said something? What did… and how did she even…"

"She assumed, that's all. And I found your ring."

"Oh."

"You never take your ring of. Even at work you have it in a chain."

"Yeah."

"So…"

"I'm sorry. I thought about it."

"You still thinking about it?"

"No."

"You sure?" I can't help myself asking, I'd rather be dumped now when I've mustered up the courage to ask him, than later when I think everything's fine.

"I'm sure Nick!" He reaches out to grab my hand. Before I know it he has dragged me down to him to give me a kiss. I let myself glide down to the floor to not crush him on the sofa, but I keep my hand in his.

"What changed?"

"We did," he says and strokes my hair.

"We?" I look up at him, knowing that I look like a begging puppy.

"Yeah, we."

He lifts my hand and kisses the back, then flip it over and plant a couple of kisses in the palm as well.

"You told Warrick, you told your parents, but most importantly, I think we both realized what's most important for us"

"But I should have done it months ago."

"You weren't ready to. You would've done it for the wrong reason."

"What?"

"You would just have done it for me."

"And how would that have been bad? I mean, it's not like Warrick or my parents would have reacted differently."

"No, but you would."

"I?"

"Yes, you; Nicholas Stokes! You would have felt like I was pressuring you, which I were, and I'm sorry about that by the way, and I would still have been angry at you for taking so long to do it, and I would have felt it was my right to pressure you. And that would have been wrong."

"But how… maybe I did it for you?"

"No, you didn't."

"How do you know that, you read minds now?"

"Yes I do! Never underestimate what a blow to your head can do."

"Don't even joke about that!"

"Sorry. No, I don't read minds, although, nana told me once about this thing you could do to…."

"Greg!!!" I interrupt before he can start his ranting, because I really want to come to the bottom of this issue, and that will never happen if I let him stray.

"Oh… right. You would have told me…"

"I did tell you"

"No, I mean, you would've told me right away."

"Ah, yeah, well…. Warrick and I took a bear, and then when I came home…well, we didn't actually talk much, hon."

"Nah, I know what we did, I was there."

"Yeah, I know! You tasted good. I was planning on telling you later, over breakfast in bed."

"Exactly."

"I don't follow."

"I mean, if you did it just to please me, you would have told me right away. Instead you waited, and I assume for the right moment. And that tells me that you were happy about it as well. And that's because you actually did it for you as well. I may have had something to do about the timing, but you wouldn't have done it if it weren't because you wanted to do it."

"You're pretty smart, you know that?"

"I know."

[GREG]

"Greg" Nick kisses me in the crook of my neck. We are naked in bed, just feeling bare skin against another.

"Umm…" I say, savouring the feeling of his tongue licking me on the collarbone. I think he's trying to mend every bruise with a kiss.

"I'm sorry."

I surface reality and face his sombre eyes.

"What for?"

"For being so stupid."

"You're not stupid." I swear that man hamsters guilt.

"I wish I could take a gigantic eraser and just undo all the stupid choices I've made. Just clean them up, so that you wouldn't have to go through all that pain."

"It doesn't work that way."

"I know."

"And besides, I wouldn't want you to."

"Why not?"

"It would've changed things."

"That's the point."

"Not in a good way."

"Hm?"

"Yeah, we grow through our mistakes you know."

"Yeah."

"And we become stronger."

"Yeah."

"So, both of us have learned something from this. We're stronger now, better. Both as individuals and as a couple."

"So, how did we go from near break-up yesterday, to stronger today?"

"We grew smarter!"

"So, I guess you want your ring back then?"

"I sure will. For better for worse you know. We've just been through a period of worse, I'm not about to run when we head for the better"

"I can't promise you it'll be all a smooth ride from now on."

"We can get through that as well, as long as we work together…….and besides, I like it when you ride me a bit rough!

[NICK]

I listen to Greg sleeping.

I didn't give him the rough ride he asked for, his body's too sore for that. But I did give him a lazy blowjob. I enjoyed taking my time with him, making sure he felt every touch of my tongue.

I look at his chest rise and fall, and wonder how I've been so lucky. I'm loved. I love and I'm loved in return. And my love is accepted.

"Hi honey," my mother said.

I can see Greg trying to sit up, obviously wanting to make the best first impression as possible.

"What are you doing here?" I blurt out.

"Wouldn't we always come when one of our children or their spouses are injured?" My mother says in a mock insult.

I feel like a fish out of water, gasping for air. My mother gives me a big hug and whispers in my ear, "there's no reason why it should be different with Greg."

The End