Title: List of Lasts
Author: podga
Pairing: Gil Grissom/Nick Stokes
Warning: PG
Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me and I don't make money off of them
Summary: Nick tries to say goodbye. (Sequel to "I Spy")

Nick hates waking up. He struggles to remain asleep, resisting the memories and thoughts that assail him, fighting the increasing levels of consciousness. In the end it never works; he always wakes up, although he tries to resist by keeping his eyes closed, his breathing slow and steady.

He can sense Gil next to him, a solid warm presence. He turns his head towards Gil and opens his eyes. Even in the darkness he can make out that Gil is lying facing the edge of the bed, his back towards Nick. It doesn't matter which side of the bed they end up on, Gil always eventually turns to face outwards.

Nick slides over and burrows against Gil's back, laying his upper arm carefully down Gil's body in order not to wake him. He can't resist kissing the back of Gil's neck. Gil mumbles something, takes Nick's hand in his and pulls his arm tightly around his body and then becomes still again. Nick realizes he's holding his own body rigid and consciously relaxes, the warmth of Gil's skin against his soothing him. He closes his eyes again and tries to co-ordinate his breathing with that of his lover.

It's been four days since Warrick found him in the break room and told him what he knew. He never explained how he knew and Nick didn't ask, because it didn't matter. Gil and he had been so careful; if Warrick had found out, others would probably do so as well. It was only a matter of time.

Nick should have spoken to Gil immediately. Instead, he'd put it off until the following day and then again until the following day. He knows that each day that passes makes the day of reckoning worse. He also knows in his bones that once he tells Gil that Warrick knows, Gil will break it off. He's not going to jeopardize everything he built for Nick. And Nick can't blame him, because he's not so sure he's willing to change his life for Gil. It's too early yet for such decisions, way too early. And he's never going to convince Gil to wait and see, to decide to act against his principles, for a second time.

So Nick has spent the last four days saying goodbye. And he's finding out that it's hard to say goodbye when the other person doesn't know you're doing so. Because he's thinking last movie, last dinner, last sex, while Gil is moving through the same events already anticipating their repetition: "Next time you can choose the movie, remind me not to order this next time, next time you get the wet spot."

He's restless and it's too hot to keep on holding Gil, even though he wants to. He's gone through his list of lasts. Not all of them, but some he doesn't think he can arrange on short notice and some he didn't even manage a first on. He didn't ride a roller coaster with Gil. He didn't go camping with him. He did try to take him paragliding, but Gil refused. So that's it. All done.

He gently disengages his hand from Gil's and pulls away from him. Even though he's careful, this time Gil wakes up and turns over to face him.

"What time is it?" Gil murmurs sleepily.

"About six thirty," Nick responds.

Gil turns on his back and stretches. Then he lights the bedside table lamp and moves up a bit, so that he's sitting up against the headboard, one leg stretched out and the one closer to Nick bent at the knee. Nick remains lying down. He idly traces a finger along Gil's hip and up his thigh towards his knee. Gil grasps his hand.

"Stop," he says.

"How come? We have time," Nick responds. He's not really sure he wants to have sex, but he doesn't want to say what he has to say either.

Gil shakes his head. He continues to hold Nick's hand trapped against his thigh. Nick half-heartedly tries to pull his hand away and Gil lets him.

"Nick, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't be obtuse," Gil says and although his words are sharp, his tone is gentle.

This is it. Nick feels a lump in his throat. He's always loathed this about himself, how easily he tears up. He swallows hard, then sits up as well, pulling a corner of the sheet over himself. He tries to smooth out the wrinkles a bit, but it's hopeless, so he starts to crumble the sheet again.

"Warrick knows about us," he says finally. He needs to look at Gil when he's delivering the message, but Gil is expressionless, giving nothing away.

"How?"

Nick shrugs.

Gil is quiet for a while, looking down. Nick studies his profile against the soft glow of the bedside lamp, the short nose, the messy curly hair. That's another last, he thinks, getting to see Gil like this.

"Well. It was bound to happen," Grissom muses with an air of finality. He rubs his beard.

Gil looks tired, his eyelids pulling down at the corners, Nick thinks, but he doesn't look particularly angry or upset.

"I suppose now we ride it out and see where it takes us," Gil says.

It's just about the last thing Nick expected him to say. "Uh, what?" he mumbles.

Gil turns to look at him. "We ride it out," he repeats. "Unless you don't want to?" he raises an eyebrow.

Nick feels slow, thick. He's hearing the words, but it's taking him a while to understand them.

"But Gil, you said..."

"Forget what I said," Gil says. "They had their chance. I'm not volunteering again."

"But, Gil, Ecklie didn't know why..." Nick starts, then his brain finally kicks in and yells at him to shut up.

This isn't right, Nick thinks. Gil isn't like this. He would never put the lab at risk. He'd never put the cases at risk.

"Gil, the lab..." he tries again, but suddenly Gil turns on him.

"What do you want me to say here, Nick?" he says fiercely. "That I'll do the right thing? Not this time. I want my job and I want you, and I'm damned if I'm going to choose. I offered a solution and it was rejected. So they can make a choice or you can make a choice. But I'm not going to."

Gil leans back against the headrest, glaring across the room.

Nick thinks about it, but not for very long. In the end there's only one thing he wants to do or say. He twists around until he's kneeling on the bed facing Gil and he cups Gil's face in his hands.

"I choose you, Gil," he says firmly.

And he leans forward for the first kiss and the next one and the next one.