Title: Life Goes On
By: nancy
Pairing: Gil/Nick, past Gil/Sara
Rating: R
Warnings: angst, mpreg
Note: Thought I would throw in a mpreg in honor of a Happy (belated) Mother's Day. :o)
Summary: Grissom returns home to Vegas to find life moved on without him.

Gil held up a hand to shade his eyes as he walked into the brutal Las Vegas summer sun. It was almost directly overhead and seemed a lot brighter, if no less intense, than the sun of the jungle he’d just left. He felt dirty and sweaty and tired, even though he’d been on air conditioned planes for almost a day to get back to the city.

Almost a year had passed since he’d left to go to Sara and yet, looking around him, nothing seemed to have changed. It didn’t seem possible given the staggering self-realizations he’d come to, but there it was.

Shaking his head, Gil walked over to the nearest cab and opened the back door, tossing his bag in and then sliding into the backseat. He gave his address to the cabbie and closed his eyes, grateful for the slightly stale a/c and incredibly tired. He was actually in the best shape of the last twenty years of his life, having spent long, long days cataloguing species and tracking down flora of interest. He’d sweated off at least a good twenty pounds and lost his “middle age spread,” regaining quite a bit of muscle in the process.

The flips side of all that, though, was sliding down into near to exhaustion. He hadn’t given himself any leeway, trying to physically purge the emotional chaos of the couple of years before his unexpected sabbatical. Sara. Nick. Warrick. The evil he’d seen on the job. The useless politics that too often prevented justice. An unrelenting sense of futility.

Everything had all overwhelmed him in one, unending miasma of pain that would have resulted in something catastrophic. Now, he could see that he’d been in a depressed spiral and quite probably heading towards suicide. Now, he knew that leaving as he’d done had been the only healthy thing he’d done for himself in a long time.

Other than Nick, he thought, yawning.

Nick had been the one good thing in his life. Nick had given freely of comfort when needed, offered contact and companionship and sex when needed, bestowed a balance to an ever greater spiral of helplessness. But not even Nick had been able to help in the end. No one had. In order to save his sanity, Gil had had to leave.

“Hey buddy. We’re here.”

Jolting out of the light sleep, Gil rubbed his eyes and saw that they were, indeed, outside his condo. It looked a little forlorn to him, the lawn a bit ragged in places, but there were no broken windows or graffiti. Not that he would’ve expected either in this middle-class neighborhood, but anything was possible when something was left unattended for so long.

He paid the cabbie, grabbed hold of his duffel, and climbed back out into the stifling heat. It was a short walk up the driveway and then he was inside, where it was cool and comfortable, if smelled a bit dusty. Catherine had promised to keep an eye on his place and it looked like she’d done just that. She was a very good friend, the best really.

Smiling faintly at the thought, he dropped his bag and walked straight for the shower. Gil stayed under the hot, pounding spray for a long time before washing off and then stayed some more just because he could. He hadn’t had a real shower like this since he’d left and his muscles only very slowly relaxed. Gil finally felt human again once he turned off the spray and dried off.

His reflection barely looked familiar. He was tempted to shave off the beard, but knew how much Nick liked it and left it alone other than to trim and neaten it. There was nothing in the fridge, so he ordered some Thai for delivery and set about going through the steps of returning to the life he’d left behind.

Gil started with his bills, just double checking that his auto-pay had done its job on everything, and it had. Then he went to email, though he expected it to be ninety-nine percent spam since everyone knew he was on sabbatical. He was still working on it when the food came and didn’t finish for an hour after. Laundry and cleaning the condo were after that and then he went food shopping, just to do something normal.

By the time seven o’clock came around, Gil had to admit to himself that he was stalling to avoid doing the one thing he should’ve done months ago…calling Nick. He hedged his bets and called Catherine instead.

“Willows.”

“Catherine, it’s me.”

There was a long silence and then she exclaimed, “Gil? Oh my God, where are you?”

He smiled at the happiness in her voice and answered, “Home, actually. Just got in today.”

“Oh my God,” she repeated, laughing. “I can’t believe you’re back!”

Laughing with her, Gil said, “I am. Are you working, or do you want to grab a late dinner with me?”

“No, I’m on days right now, so a late dinner sounds great! Oh, have you talked to anyone else yet?”

Gil frowned at the suddenly strained tone and replied, “No, why?”

“Just wondering about, ah, Sara. You know. She didn’t really say anything but then, she came back without you, so…”

Wincing, Gil agreed ruefully, “Yeah, that pretty much says everything, doesn’t it? Let’s talk over food.”

They agreed to meet at an Italian place they’d frequented a lot over the years. Gil grabbed a lightweight jacket and headed out into the rapidly cooling night. He was parking in the restaurant parking lot forty-five minutes later and looked around but didn’t spot her car. Shrugging, he headed inside to find that the place was mostly filled with families and cranky children.

“Dr. Grissom! It’s wonderful to see you again! My goodness, you look wonderful!” Kelly, the hostess, exclaimed, beaming at him. She hadn’t changed at all, still as cute and round and as incongruous a Las Vegas citizen as anyone could be. “Your party is already here. Right this way.”

He followed her towards the back of the restaurant and then stopped short when he saw Nick sitting at a booth, making faces at a baby in a carrier. The other man looked good, but a little softer than he remembered. Tired, too, but obviously happy as he played with the baby.

It struck Gil then, that life had moved on without him. Nick had fallen in love with someone and they’d had a baby. He’d probably married her, since Nick was big on “doing the right thing.” Pain sliced through him as he thought about losing the very thing he’d come back for.

Gil was trying to find a fast exit when Nick looked up and spotted him. Shock flashed across Nick’s face, followed fast by panic as he paled far too fast, looking about ready to pass out. Alarmed, Gil rushed forward and caught Nick as he swayed, about to tumble onto the floor from the booth. With an arm around the other’s waist, he folded Nick down, putting his head between his knees and rubbing his back.

“Should I get someone?” Kelly exclaimed.

Gil shook his head and replied, “I’ve got him, he’ll be fine. Thanks, Kelly.”

She nodded, but looked doubtful as she walked away.

It was a couple of minutes after that that Nick finally sat up. Gil was sure it was only because the baby started whimpering, since Nick immediately began soothing the fussy baby. She was around six months old with blue eyes, pale skin, and thick dark hair. Once she settled down again, Nick looked up at him and said weakly, “Hey, Grissom. God, that’s embarrassing. Sorry about that.”

A little amused, Gil smiled and replied, “Hello, Nick. Sorry about the, well, surprise. Catherine and I were meeting here for dinner.”

“I’m going to kill her,” Nick muttered, sighing. He continued louder, “She set us up. Said to meet her here.”

Frowning again, Gil said, “Why would she do that?”

Nick sighed again. “Because she thought I should’ve gotten in touch with you months ago about, about Anna here.”

Gil couldn’t quite figure out why and admitted, “I’m confused. May I sit down?”

Gesturing at the other side of the booth, Nick said, “Go for it, Grissom. You’ll probably want to be sitting down for this anyhow.”

Gil sat, not at all reassured by the words. He asked warily, “Sitting for what?”

Nick ran a hand through his hair and told him bluntly, “Anna’s yours, Gil. Last time we had sex, the condom must’ve broke because nine months later, out she popped while you were in the wilds, man.”

For the first time in his life, Gil was completely and utterly speechless. His gaze switched to the baby in the carrier who was currently staring at her fist as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Which, to a baby that age, it probably was.

“Wow. Never thought I’d see a day when you couldn’t think of anything to say,” Nick half-joked.

It fell flat, but Gil appreciated the effort. Shaking off the shock as best he could, the first thing that came out was, “Are you sure?”

It was exactly the wrong thing to say, he knew it as soon as the words left his mouth.

Nick’s mouth thinned and he snapped, “No, I’m not sure. I sleep around so much anyone could be the father.”

“I’m, I’m sorry, Nick, I didn’t mean…it’s just a, a shock,” Gil apologized lamely.

He took a breath and looked back at the baby. Anna. His mother’s name, which should’ve been his first clue. It suited her, the smiling baby looking up at him.

“You want to hold her?”

Gil wanted to, but wasn’t sure he should. If he did, there was every chance he wouldn’t let her go again. Nick didn’t wait for an answer. He unstrapped the baby and scooped her out with expert, gentle handling. She rooted around at his chest, which caused Nick to flush bright red under Gil’s gaze, and he walked around the booth to put her carefully into his arms.

Holding her felt right, the trusting weight of her something he’d never thought to have in his life, not like this, not flesh and blood. Sadness flashed through him that he hadn’t been with Nick during the pregnancy. That he’d missed her first breath and first six months of life. He would never get that back. But then, how was he supposed to know that Nick could have children? So few men could, only three percent of the population.

It was that thought that made him look back across the table to find the other man looking at him as if memorizing the image they made. Maybe he was. For all Nick knew, Gil wasn’t planning to stick around. Anna gurgled at him and he looked down to find her smiling toothlessly at him. It tugged at all his heartstrings.

“Why didn’t you tell me this was a possibility?” Gil asked at last.

Nick sighed, leaning back against the booth. “You already had so much crap on your plate, Gris. I know how, how lost you were back then. And besides which, we were using protection so it wasn’t a real likely event. Hell, I was on the pill on the time. How could we have known a double whammy like that wouldn’t have been enough? I didn’t know I was pregnant with her until after you left, but I…I didn’t want to…you needed to get gone, man. I couldn’t track you down for her when you’d left for yourself. You wouldn’t be any good to either of us in that kind of situation. I had to let you come back when, if you could.”

It was a selfless course of action from a selfless man. Gil bent down to breathe in the baby-powder, innocent smell of his daughter. “Would you ever have told me?”

Nick nodded firmly and said, “As soon as I knew you’d settled somewhere and were doing good, I planned on telling you. Catherine, well, she gave me an earful the whole time, insisting you’d be all the better for having us in your life. But I know what it’s like to feel that screwed up. You didn’t need to be worrying about anyone but you.”

It almost felt like he was daring fate to screw up all this potential happiness, but Gil asked, “What about Sara? I cheated on you with her, left CSI to go be with her.”

Nick drew in a sharp breath and then shot him a darkly amused look. “Just getting it all right out there, aren’t you, Grissom?”

Gil nodded and slowly replied, “I think we have to, now that Anna’s here.”

“Yeah, I get that. And I won’t lie about it, I was pissed, man. Broke up a lot of shit in my apartment when I found out. I mean, I knew, but I didn’t really know that you’d gone to be with her, with her, you know? I figured you went down there because someone you already knew, a friend, was there, not to continue an affair with her. When I found out you’d been sleeping together before you left…”

Nick’s voice trailed off and his jaw flexed as he looked elsewhere, his gaze distant. Finally, he took a long breath and then let it out explosively before saying, “The only reason you get a pass on that is because we weren’t, technically, exclusive. We never said we wouldn’t see other people, even though, even though you knew how much you meant to me at the time and I know you knew.

“I’m going to put it down as an early mid-life crisis, but you hear this now and you hear it good, Gil. If I ever catch you cheating on me again, that’s it. You are gone. If we get back together now, we’re it for good. Two strikes and you’re out. I will take Anna and go to Texas where, if you follow us, my Father will have things done to you that you don’t want to imagine.”

Gil swallowed at the deadly serious words. He had no problems believe that the words were a promise, not a threat. He kissed the soft skin of Anna’s forehead and told Nick, “You don’t have to worry, Nick. I want this now. I did before, I just, I wasn’t really ready for all it carried, truly being with someone. Thank you for my second chance.”

Nick held his gaze for a long, silent moment and then nodded, visibly relaxing. He even smiled a little as he said, “It’ll be nice to have someone else get up for diaper and feeding duties.”

“You’re not breast feeding?” Gil asked, surprised.

Grimacing, Nick replied, “Oh I am, but I store some up for the little chigger’s bottle when she’s with my sister. Jackie came out to help me and then just never left. Says she likes it here.”

Gil’s eyebrow lifted and he echoed, “Chigger?”

Nick chuckled and pointed out, “What would you call something that bit constantly at tender skin and never went away? Not that I want her to, but the name fit and just kinda stuck.”

The waitress apparently decided it was safe to come over and asked hesitantly, “Can I get you gentlemen something to drink?”

“Just water for me, thank you,” Gil replied.

Nick rolled his eyes at Gil and said to her, “I will have a big glass of milk and get him a beer, will you? Anything out of a bottle with a fancy name.”

She tittered softly at that and nodded before leaving.

Still somewhat apprehensive, Gil asked, “So, what now?”

Nick shrugged and countered, “Depends on you. What were your plans before you found out about Anna?”

“To find you, grovel as much as necessary to get you back, and then see if the lab would take me back,” Gil answered honestly.

A grin flashed over Nick’s face as he said, “Grovel as much as you want in the form of looking after Anna and I’m all yours. I would kill for a whole night’s sleep. She’s better than she used to be, but still pretty fussy.”

Looking down at the now-sleeping baby, Gil commented, “She seems to be pretty easy?”

Nick leaned on the table to peer down at Anna and then slumped back into the booth with a stunned expression. “Damn. You are totally hired, Gris. She never goes down like that for anyone.”

While he wasn’t complaining that he seemed to have a bond with his newfound daughter, Gil wanted more than anything to talk about the bond between himself and her other parent. Reaching across the table, he gripped Nick’s hand and repeated, “What now?”

Nick swallowed, giving him an uncertain look. “I don’t know, Gil. I…it’s sudden, you showing up like this. I got used to the idea of you not coming back, not loving me like I did you. Or, not having it be enough, anyhow. I, I guess we just go slow and see where it leads.”

The past tense of being loved cut through Gil and he whispered, “You don’t love me anymore?”

Nick covered Gil’s hand with his own and replied softly, “I do, I just…don’t quite trust you yet. You gotta give me some time.”

“Whatever you need,” Gil vowed, intensely relieved he hadn’t fucked things up beyond repair.

As the waitress returned, Nick forced a smile and pulled his hand free. “What I need right now is a big ole plate of lasagna, so feed me, man.”

Gil smiled faintly in return, allowing the more emotional discussion to fall aside for the time being. They had time now and he planned to be in their lives, and Nick’s heart, for as long as he possibly could.