Title: Living in Fear
By: BflyW
Summary: Greg quits his job.
Betaed by the wonderful ANMANI! Thank you for your help sweetheart! Love you very much!
Characters: Nick, Greg
Genres: angst, romance, drama
Rating: PG13
Warnings: none

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
- Spanish proverb

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What do you mean he's quit?'

Nicky shouted the words louder than intended. Gris shook his head just repeated the words, “Greg quit his job.'

“Just like that?'

“I am sure it is not 'just like that', but, yes.'

“I don't believe it.'

“You can see his letter of resignation if you want to.'

“No, I believe it, I just don't believe it.'

The rest of the team was stunned sitting in the break room watching the loud conversation between the two men. They had all wondered why Greg hadn't showed up for work today, and were more than surprised by the explanation Grissom was giving them. Greg was resigning from his job, effective immediately. Not that he could go immediately, but as he had said, what could Grissom do, fire him?

'So, where is he?' Nick asked Grissom, honestly expecting an answer, hoping that Grissom would know.

'I don't know, home I guess.'

No, not at home, Nicky new that. Of course, the rest of the team did not know that home was the same house for the two of them, and Nicky knew that home had been painfully empty when he left for work this evening, and all day before that as well. Technically, home for Greg would be his own apartment, but he hadn't slept there for more than 3 months, and he hadn't slept there this day either, Nick had already checked. He had tried to call Greg numerous times, worried about where he was. It wasn't like him just to disappear, and his only consolation all these hours had been the reassurance that he would at least meet him at work, see for his own eyes that he was okay, and ask him where he had been. But now his agony just grew to unreachable heights.

The first hour or two after he had expected Greg home, he told himself that Greg was probably out somewhere drowning his disappointment in a couple of beers. Nothing to worry about, he would be home soon. It was not like he had to report every step he took, and Nick knew he'd had a rotten day and probably needed to get rid of some frustrations. When he hadn't come home after four hours, Nick had called him on his cell. It was turned off. Okay, so he didn't want to be disturbed, or didn't want to talk about whatever bothered him, but after 6 hours, he was worried sick. He hadn't been able to catch any sleep, he hadn't even made an effort going to bed, because he knew he would just lay there listening to every noise hoping it would be Greg letting himself in. 3 hours before work he had finally taken the car out to look for him. He had driven to all of Greg's favorite bars and his apartment, no sign of him anywhere. He battled his need to drive by every emergency room to see if there had been any accidents, but he knew someone would have told him if Greg had been in an accident. Deep down he knew Greg stayed away on purpose, he just didn't know why.

When he came in to work this evening, the only news he received was that of Greg's resignation. He had left, without even a word of goodbye. Part of him wondered if Greg only had said goodbye to his job, or if he also had walked away from their relationship. He had to force his nausea and concentrate on what he knew; Greg was not to be found, but he had not come home to collect any clothes or belongings either. Probably he was still in his life.

Tears burned behind his eyes. Anger and worry tightened his chest; he had to concentrate on breathing. Fuck, what is going on? It couldn't be just the mistake Greg made yesterday. That wasn't enough. Yes, sure, it was a stupid mistake. He had compromised a crime scene and failed his proficiency test, but he would bounce back. Everyone knew that. Greg is a bouncer, every time he fall he jumps up and continues. He never gives up. That is the sum of Greg; a bundle of energy that goes on until he reaches perfection, regardless of how many times he must try. Usually it doesn't even take that many attempts. Yes, he does mistakes now and then, but he has a blessed ability to learn from his mistakes, and Nick has never seen him repeat any mistake twice. One thing he is sure of, Greg will never make this particular mistake ever again. And the way it looks now, Greg is making sure of that, because quitting now will mean he will never reach his goal of being a certified CSI, and he will never be in the field again.

“Let me try and find him, convince him to come back! Don't do anything about his resignation yet, can you do that?'

Gris arched an eyebrow. “Well, I am not really allowed to hold it back, but with yet another man less on the shift tonight, who can blame me for not doing the paperwork right away?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nick drove back home hoping Greg would have come home by now. No such luck though, the house was just as empty as when he left, when he let him self in, and there was no sign of Greg. He tried his cell phone again and hope rose as he wasn't directed to his voicemail this time but he actually got a ring tone. He waited three rings before he heard a broken voice.

'Hey.' God it felt good just hearing his voice.

“Greg…'

'Hey, Nicky. I, hu-um…'

“Where are you?'

'I'm, well, it doesn't matter, 'you at work?'

'No, I'm home looking for you, what are you doing?'

'Not over the phone, please'

'Then you better come home soon, I'm not going back to work before I know you are okay'

'Nick, I am sorry'

“Just come home, baby, please.' He was pleading now.

'I'll be home in 15 minutes.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 17 minutes long eternity was broken by Greg's key turning in the lock.

'Greg,' Nick's anger disappeared the moment he saw him, his arms wrapped around him even before he could think. He just wanted to hold him forever. “You scared me.'

“I'm sorry. I am so sorry.' His voice could hardly break through the silence, his body trembling in final resignation as he leaned into his lovers embrace. “I don't know what to do.' The words were hardly louder than a breath.

“Hush baby, you're home now.'

'I'm so sorry.'

“What happened, Greg?' Nick ran his fingers through Greg's hair and traced his hand over his face to make sure his lover was whole, in one piece and without any visible wounds.

'I screwed up.' Greg broke loose from the embrace and let himself fall down on the couch. He covered his face with his shaking hands, shielding himself from the room and his boyfriend.

'It is not that bad, you can do the proficiency test again. I know Gris gave you a second chance.'

'I can't. Oh my God…' Greg ran up and hurried into the bathroom where Nick could hear him throw up. His hurling combined with desperate cries made Nick's stomach turn, and his agony grew.

'Greg, please talk to me.' Nick slid to the floor while handing Greg an iced facemask. Greg prefers those when migraine hits and the brain feels like it is trapped in a steam container ready to blow.

“Thanks,' Greg said accepting the ice package.

“Migraine?'

“Just from crying,' Greg said in a flat voice, “haven't been doing much else the last 12 hours. I am exhausted by crying, I can't take it anymore, but my body won't stop. It's aching. My whole body is aching, and I can't relax. I just can't relax. Can't breath….'

“Lie down, rest your head in my lap, and tell me what's wrong. It can't be that bad. Whatever it is, we'll sort it out.' Nick pulled him closer and stroked his head as he lay down on the floor. His breast heaved irregularlu and the tears were still flowing.

“I let you down.' The words were whispered too low, and camouflaged in sobbing so Nick could barely hear them, yet they had the strength to pierce his heart.

'Why? You have never let me down.'

“I quit my job.'

“So I heard.'

Greg sat up now, moving slowly to not make any big movements on the head, making the brain crash into the scull.

“I had to…'

'I believe you.' And he did. Greg was not one to give up without a reason, that's why he was so worried now. One thing he knew, whatever had happened, it was big enough for Greg to feel leaving his job was the only option.

“Can we…. I need to get out of here.'

“Sure, let me help you up.'

Nick rose from the floor and lent his boyfriend his hands for him to grab to drag himself up. He knew better than to use force to drag Greg up, making him loose control over his heads movements. “Bed,' Greg said pointing vaguely in the direction of the bedroom.

“Why don't you tuck your self in while I make you some coffee? Then we'll talk while you drink it, okay?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking into the bedroom, Nick saw that Greg had changed into one of Nick's old t-shirts, a soft, worn out one, something he normally does only when he needs to feel safe, or if he had nothing clean left, and the laundry had been done yesterday. He had tucked himself way under the comforters and arranged all the pillows behind his back, leaving only one for Nick.

'Feeling better?' Nick asked handing him his coffee. He sat down on the bed, legs crossed, facing Greg. This way he had free access to stroke Greg on the leg, giving him comfort while still giving him room. “I am afraid it is not Hawaiian blue, we're out. Should have gone shopping today.'

“Thank you, it's still coffee though, at least it will mask the taste of puke.' Greg shifted and gripped his cup with both hands like he needed to warm them, even in the heat of the summer night.

“I'm not the one you fell in love with.' Greg took his first gulp of the second range coffee.

'You still are Greg.'

'I am not so sure I am.'

'Why?'

“I'm a high achiever, I must be, have always been. I don't know how to be anything else… And suddenly I'm willing to settle for less, just to get away. I'm willing to give up. I'm failing...“

“Only one test, sweetheart.'

“I can't go back.'

“Sure you can. You really are good enough Greg. I've worked with you, you're sharp. Everyone makes mistakes, you just did one yesterday but you'll do fine next time. I know you will. You are great in the field, you just need more training. You'll be great.'

'Not the field, Nicky, the lab. I can't go back to the lab. And that's where I am going to be stuck still...that's when I am not so lucky to be given the opportunity to tag along on some assignment with any of you. I can't…. Go…. Back….. There….' His eyes now flooded over, “don't make me go back there.'

“SSShhh, baby. What made all this surface? I thought you were okay with it?'

“I wasn't,' Greg stared down in the black liquid moving in the white cup.' I am supposed to be the protagonist in my own life, right?'

“And you aren't now?'

'No, fear is. Fear has been in total control of my life since the explosion.'

“Oh, baby!'

'No, it's okay. Don't cry, Kjære, Oh I made you cry…'

'I cry?' Nick hadn't noticed, but dried his eyes for Greg. “I don't cry anymore, sweetie.'

'I wanted to be good for you, but I can't anymore….. not…. Not after…'

“The explosion,' Nick finished for him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Time….' Greg continued after an extended pause.

“What?'

'I can't control the time anymore.'

Nick moved and sat down next to Greg, pulling him carefully into his embrace. “What do you mean?'

“Before, I had a timeframe. I knew I only had to put up with the lab for so long. I knew that within a few more weeks, I would have passed my proficiency test, and be in the field, now I don't know…. I know Gris gave me a second chance, I just can't take it, I can't count down anymore.'

“Count down?'

'Do you know how many times I check the hotplate during an eight hour shift?' He didn't wait for an answer. “Probably 16 times, at least; that adds up to about 80 – 100 times a week, between 4000 – 4500 times a year. I can't do it anymore. I could as long as I had a timeframe. I knew that I would be out of the lab within a certain date, and now that date has been postponed until further notice, and I can't go back not knowing how long I have to endure in the lab. I need to know that it will end one day. I don't mind failing my test. Well I don't mind that much anyway, that was a mistake, but I mind going back. And there is no way for me not to go back unless I quit. I just can't!'

'You never said anything.' Nick reached out for him, not knowing whether to cry for not seeing how hurt Greg had been, or being angry at him for him not saying a word.

“I thought that I didn't have to. I thought it would pass.'

“I thought it did pass. Your hands stopped shaking.'

“For now they did.'

“Have they started again?'

'No, I don't know. I don't think so. Right now my entire body is shaking, so it's hard to tell really…' He let out a tiny laugh that only emphasized the horror felt in his expression. “I….I am so sorry, kjære.'

“You have nothing to be sorry about baby.' Nick decided that to be angry would be the wrong decision.

'I've let you down.' Greg said into a sob.

'Stop saying that…I still don't see why you think you have let me down.' Nick stroked him on his head and down his back. He could feel the body was still tense, but more relaxed than an hour ago. Greg twisted out of the embrace, not ready to be touched yet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I wanted to be the best, for you.' He whispered, almost to him self. “I was a successful DNA tech, brilliant really.'

“Yeah you were.'

“I could give performances, couldn't I?'

“All the time, sweetheart.'

“But now... I mean I took a huge pay cut to become a trainee, so I could get out of the lab. It wasn't so much getting into the field as it was getting out of the lab. Don't get me wrong. I love being in the field, at least when I'm not puking or freezing up or screwing up, I love how important our work is. I love working with you! But it's weird to be at the bottom and not knowing all the answers. Not that it matters as long as I get out of the lab.'

“Honey…'

“Nicky, please…'

“Okay, go on.'

“I wanted you to be proud of me. I knew you could be proud of the tech I was, but as a CSI… Hon, I work with the best CSI's there is, you included, I would never measure up!'

“Don't do your self down!'

“No, seriously Nicky, I won't be as good a CSI as I was a tech. I'm not saying that I can't become a good CSI, I probably can, if I don't screw up that is, but I would never be great.'

'Baby.'

“No, it's okay. I… I can live with not being brilliant at work anymore, because there is something more important in my life; You.'

'Thank you.'

'Mostly welcome. Anyway…. What I really can't take anymore is that I being a trainee lessen our relationship.'

'It does not!'

'Yes it does! We keep it a secret Nicky! I know you hate it! Don't even try to tell me differently.'

“I won't, but that's not important. Yes, I would like our friends to know, but not on the expense of your job!'

'I know. And I have been thinking the same thing, but now…. Not knowing when I will be a CSI, not knowing how long it takes… Being in the lab even longer, keeping us a secret even longer… the price it too high Nick, I can't live with it anymore. I can't let fear control all aspects of my life anymore.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I thought I'd lost you!' Nick said as silence had lingered too long in the air.

'What?'

'When you didn't come home,' Nick turned to look him in the eyes, “for a few moments there I thought you'd walked out on us as well as your job.'

'Are you crazy? I would never do that!'

'I never thought you would quit your job either.'

'That's nothing, nothing, compared to us, kjære. Oh, now I'm really sorry! I never meant for you to be afraid of that!'

'I know. But you didn't come home. You didn't call. I didn't know what to believe.'

“I, I needed time to figure things out for my self. I didn't know. I was just scared.'

'Where were you?'

'At the mall.'

'The mall?'

'Yeah… of all places. Just people watching.'

“All that time?'

'Yes, I had no idea though that it had been so long. I just needed to feel normal. See normal people with normal habits, doing normal people stuff. My body was flooding over with hyperactive feelings, and I needed to calm down.'

'Did it help?'

'Not really…,' a misplaced, high pitched, giggle fell out transforming into a swallowed sob, “I ended up sitting in a corner crying, tense as a stretched rubber ready to snap, and I realized life would never be innocent again. I'll probably never stop being a little afraid. I guess I've to learn how to live with it, I've just no freaking idea how, and that scares me even more. God I'm a hopeless case, aren't I? I'm only a fraction of what I was supposed to be. What you deserves.'

“Just being with you is more than I deserve.'

'You haven't been happy in a long time, have you?' Nick could feel the guilt burning in his stomach.

“I don't know. I've been kind of numb I think. I could shut the feelings out, but somehow, they all came back today. I'm afraid I had kind of an overload.' He laughed now, cringing the next moment in pain. Nick could see his body was less tense, the panic seemed to have let go of his body, leaving him only pale and with a pounding migraine.

“Do you need your migraine medication?'

'Yeah, I think I can take them now,' he'd waited, well knowing that they would have no effect as long as he was nauseous and threw up, “would you mind getting them for me?'

'Sure.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Here you go,' Nick gave him a tablet of Relpax and a glass of water.

“Thank you.'

Nick crawled back into the bed, this time relieving him self of some clothes before climbing in.

“Are you going to sleep?' Greg looked at him a bit puzzled.

'Maybe.' Nick eased himself back into a position as close as he could to Greg without touching him. He knew his nervous system was working overtime right now, and every touch would feel like a bruising. “I thought we just may lie here for a while, we both have been awake for quite a long time, and you're soon going to be totally gone by those medications.'

“Shouldn't you be at work?'

'I should've been for a couple of hours already, but Gris gave me the day off.'

“Oh…'

'And I think we both should go in tomorrow. Talk to Gris before you make up your mind, okay? Maybe you can find some solution.'

'I don't know. I mean it Nick. I won't go back.'

'I know.'

'So what is the point?'

'Try. Please. Talk with him. Maybe he has some ideas, he's a smart man. And believe it or not, he actually do know how to handle people…. sometimes.'

'I know.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They lay still next to each other listening to each other breathing for about half an hour.

“Why didn't you tell me?' Nick broke the silence.

'I thought if I didn't say anything, it wouldn't be true.' Greg turned towards him, moving closer.

'You are smarter than that.'

'I could pretend.'

'I'm sorry Greg.'

'What for?' Gregg looked at him in surprise.

'I'm the one who has let you down.'

'No, you've nothing to do with this!' He lifted his head up, in one fast move and with no sign of pain.

'I should've seen it!'

'I tried to hide it, for the both of us.'

'Still, I should've seen it! You're supposed to be the most important person in my life, and I totally missed the signs on how depressed you were.'

“I missed the signs too'

Nick kissed him on the forehead now that he could touch again.

'How could you miss it?'

'I didn't realize I didn't feel until the switch was suddenly turned on again. It's like you don't see how dark it has become before you turn on the light.'

Greg removed the comforters revealing a slender body.

'Leaving?' Nick looked at him in surprise.

'Going to the bathroom.' A good sign indeed; the body releasing all the stored up water is a sign of the medication kicking in and that the migraine is over for real.

“Hurry back.'

'Yes dear!' He turned and threw a kiss at the left behind boyfriend, projecting an image of a happier Greg.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Nick?'

'Hm?' Nick leaned into the gentle kiss.

'Thank you for being here.'

'Always, baby.'

“I mean it. Life can never be really bad with you in it. I mean, I can freaking panic and forget it sometimes, but now remembering, I know that I have something good in life.'

'Thank you.'

“Well, it may be just the medications speaking. You know how much my mood always alter when the migraines let go, and now I'm horny. I'm in the mood for some lazy lovemaking where I'm on the receiving side…'

“So you don't really love me then, you are just horny?'

“Yes, Silly, I do! Love you lot's, kjæresten min, only mine.' He leaned in for another kiss. “Make love to me Nicky.'

“I'd love to.'

Nick leaned over to kiss Greg slowly, tasting his lips and tongue. He kept it light. Firm but gentle. He could hear Greg moan as he deepened the kiss, and slowly he moved to almost cover Greg's body with his own. He wanted to feel him, touch him, and make sure he was really there. He wanted to feel close and reassure him self with all his senses that Greg was still with him.

'To many clothes,' Greg mumbled while pulling on Nick's shirt. Breaking the kiss, Nick removed his shirt before helping Greg get rid of his own. He traced his hands down his chest followed by his mouth. Salt skin exploded on his taste buds and sent electrodes to his hardening member.

“Up,' he could hear Greg command while using his hand to make Nick change direction, “I want to kiss you.' Following his lovers lead, he moved up his body again letting his lips collide with Greg's, while he moved his hands under the waist band of Greg's boxers and tugged them down.

Covering Greg's penis with his hand, he moved his finger over the head, smearing precum down the hard, warm prove of Greg's expectations.

“Ah, I…' Greg was starting babbling as he trusted into Nick's hand.

'Easy,' Nick whispered as he moved down and tasted the salt precum, licked it off his cock before letting the member fill his mouth. Gently he pushed all the way down, caressed it with his tongue, sucking in the weight. He placed his hands on Greg's hips pinning him to the mattress, while placing himself between his knees. Stroking Greg's shaft with his lips he could feel the warm body under him twist in excitement. “Fuck me,' Greg moaned, “I want you to fuck me.'

'You sure?' Nick asked letting go of his penis, looking up and into his lovers eyes.

'I want.' Greg answered, pulling Nick up. “I want you to be close, I want to feel you cover my body. I want you inside me.'

Nick mapped Greg's moist body with his hand, feeling every hard muscle contour under his palms. He licked his way up from the bellybutton to the collarbone.

Leaning in for a taste of an earlobe, he felt his butt cheeks being caressed and he moaned as he pressed his penis against Greg's.

“I'll take care of you, baby,' he sweet talked into Greg's ear as he lent over to the night stand to collect the lube. Filling it up in his hand, he moved over to Greg's side, ignoring the whining protest. “Sush,' he said, kissing his lover on the neck. “I'll fill you soon, relax.'

Greg bent his head back as Nick placed his lubed fingers against his muscle ring and entered with one finger.

“Fill me,' Greg moaned, flushed and impatient, “now.'

'You're not ready,' Nick used one hand on his nipples, while adding another finger to the preparation. Hitting the prostate he sent shivers though Greg's body making him even more eager.

“I want you now'. His voice broke with anticipation, begging his partner to move. Placing himself between Greg's legs he knew he wouldn't last long. With one hard thrust he filled Greg, crying out in excitement.

“Slow.' Nick told him self, or Greg, or both, but Greg wouldn't listen. He pushed himself against Nick, forcing the rhythm, driving Nick to push even harder. The sight of Greg's cum splashing onto his stomach took Nick over the edge, and he emptied himself in Greg with a last hard thrust. Out of breath he smeared the cum out on Greg's stomach before he laid down on the bed of sweat and semen.

“I love you' He whispered stroking Greg's breast, slowly heaving in relaxed breaths.

'Love you too,' Greg answered back, tracing his hand through Nick's short hair.

'So, are you coming in with me tomorrow?' Nick asked as they slumbered in the aftershock of their love.

'Fuck, I quit my job.' Greg sighed in something that could be interpreted as regret or disbelief.

'Well, the paperwork hasn't been done yet!'

“What?'

'Grissom agreed to hold it until I could try to convince you to come back!'

'He really did that?'

'He really did.'

'I'll come in with you tomorrow, but I promise nothing! I might still walk, but at least it'll be a little more thought through.'

“That's all I ask.'

“Good,' Greg kissed him on the forehead looking at him with half closed eyes, “now shower!'

“Shower...'

Grissom looked at the door closing behind the two men leaving the office. Looking at his desk, his experiments occupying the shelters and the bugs spread out in front of him, he tried to remember why he wanted to become a supervisor in the first place. There was many things he loved about his job, a few things he hated, many things he was good at, even a good deal he was brilliant at, but there was one part of the job he failed; people. His people trusted him, he knew that. They respected him, he knew that too. What he didn't know was how he could have missed this; his failure in this was absolute.

For a man reading people for a living he had failed miserably reading his own. He didn't blame himself for not seeing the relationship developing between Greg and Nick; no, romance was not his strong suit. Besides, Nick and Greg had done a good job hiding it. Grissom was pretty sure even Catherine was in the dark about this, and she usually knew even before the involved parties did. Now that he knew however, it was pretty obvious. He had never before given those silent looks a second thought, neither Nick's eager to deliver the evidence for Greg to process, and even how Greg seemed less on the edge with Nick around. No, what he blamed himself for was missing the fading life in Greg's eyes. Weren't he supposed to detect death?

Judging from the look in Nick's eyes, he had not been the only one blaming himself. Nick looked suppressed with guilt and Greg was the one giving comfort by lending him his hand. No words were spoken between them, but a full conversation was yet being spoken. Griss envied them their way of reading and reaching out for each other.

Thinking back, Grissom could not pinpoint the actual time the loud lab tech had been replaced with the more silent Greg. His shirts were calmer and his hair was even less spiky. No one had noticed, because conformity was not easy to detect. Somewhere along the way, Greg had turned into one of them and lost himself in the process. The explosion seemed to have been the catalyst.

Grissom never missed the immense presentations, but he would gladly change the 'to-the-point'-Greg with the 'let-me-put-on-a-show'-Greg if it would light up the flame in his eyes again. He didn't even know it was missing until he caught him looking at Nick while Nick was talking about their relationship. Looking at his boyfriend, apparently focusing only on him, Greg looked alive for a brief second, and Grissom almost lost his breath in astonishment. How could they have overlooked such a life source fading away?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The group was waiting for him as he entered the break room at the beginning of shift. He noticed Greg and Nick sitting in the couch sharing a huge amount of space between them. Grissom would not have guessed about their relationship looking at them at this moment. They both where drinking a hot liquid out of white paper cups, and his best bet would be Hawaiian Blue. Greg's expensive blend was mandatory at the assignment handouts. Greg always made much ado about nobody ever being allowed to touch it, but at the same time he filled up the storage whenever someone had found his hidden storage place. He had to find a new place every now and then; he did work with great CSI's after all.

Warrick, Sara and Catherine were facing Nick and Greg and they were all bantering Greg about his sudden disappearance yesterday. Nick did his best to change subject by tossing out topics that all fell dead to the ground. This was a group of people that all knew what they wanted to know and were trained to keep going until they had the answer. It was time for Grissom to step in and save the two members of his team from the rest of them.

“Good evening, everyone,' he stepped into the group and drew focus on himself. Greg looked relieved and Nick gave him a smile although not so bright as usual. Catherine shifted in her chair to face him, while Warrick and Sara started gulping their precious coffee to finish before being sent out on a case.

“Before I hand out the assignments, there is some personnel issues we must address,' Grissom began. This caught everyone's attention and even Sara put down her coffee cup. Greg however lifted his to hold between his hands.

“As you all know, Greg left us all of a sudden last night, by resigning his job.' With this all eyes turned to said person, who turned his face down to the coffee cup. “Luckily,' Grissom continued, “We have been able to sort things out today. Greg has decided to stay with us.' The group stirred and although none made a complete sentence, there were happy noises being made and claps on the shoulders being shared. “We will however do some changes,' Grissom broke up the commotion and the faces were yet again painted with light worry. “I am afraid we have been paying much too little attention to Greg after the explosion.'

Grissom surprised himself and the others by expressing emotions. “I am truly sorry about this, Greg.'

“No,' Greg replied, “It is not your fault.'

“Yes, Greg.' Grissom looked at him straight in the eyes. “We are all a team and we all have a responsibility to make sure all the members in the team are okay. And as your supervisor I have an extra responsibility to see that all my people function in their jobs, and that they are not harmed in any way; physically or mentally. In your case, I have failed.'

The rest of the team looked somewhat embarrassed by Grissom's unusual expression of feelings and shared guilt lingered in the air. Nick looked torn by guilt. Again Greg turned to him, this time voicing his words; “no, it is not your fault.'

“We had a long conversation before shift, and we have decided that Greg will no longer work in the lab. He will however continue his CSI training. I will try to place him on as many cases as possible to speed up his trainee period, all the fact that he no longer will receive his usual pay check from the DNA lab. There is however a tricky part of the personnel puzzle we have to solve. I cannot place Nick and Greg on the same case.'

Warrick, Catherine and Sara looked at Grissom in surprise before they shifted their focus to the two men on the couch. The said men did not know where to focus.

“Why?' Warrick voiced the question the two females only asked with their face expressions.

“Nick and Greg have informed me that they are involved on a personal level, and even though there are no rules against inter-office relationships, it's not a good policy to have a trainee working under his partner. Greg cannot longer be under Nick's supervision.'

While Warrick and Sara mirrored each others puzzled looks, Catherine had her mouth open gasping for air before she got her act together and turned towards the two men. “How did I not see this?'

“What? How long?' Sara also found her voice.

'About a year,' Nick answered, now taking Greg's hand and closing the gap between them on the couch. “Nothing is changed, really. We are the same, we won't change the way we acts on work. We just spend our time together outside work, and we love each other, that's it.'

“Anyway,' Grissom broke it off. “This means that I'll always have to assign Greg to cases lead by someone other than Nick. I don't expect anyone to have any problems with that. Now, to today's work: Greg, Catherine, you have a DB in the desert. Nick and Sara you have a B&E, and Warrick you finish up your ongoing case.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greg followed Catherine down the hallway towards the locker room when he remembered he had left his wallet in the break room.

'Cath, I meet you in the car, I left my wallet.'

“Okay,' she waved him off, leaving him without slowing down.

He hurried back to where he'd come from and was just a few feet away when he heard Warrick's voice: “I don't get it.'

This wasn't enough to stop him, but his boyfriends voice made him put on the emergency brakes.

“What?'

It wasn't the words that alerted him, but the tone of voice. Nick sounded aggravated and he clearly had an argument with Warrick. Greg had no intention to walk into something he did not want to be a part of, but he wanted to stay close to make sure Nick was okay. He knew how much coming out to Warrick meant to Nick, and how much his acceptance was worth to him. Coming out to his best friend was something Nick did not take lightly, and Greg knew that if this went badly, Nick would be deeply hurt. He prayed to a God he did not believe in, but that he knew Nick relied on, to be by Nick's side right now. Ironically it was the faith in the same God that made Nick's acceptance of himself so hard many times, and therefore also raising the fear of coming out.

On the one side, Nick had grown up learning about man and woman in holy matrimony. Learning how homosexuality was a sin and against human nature. On the other side his body and his feelings told him otherwise. He had spent many years denying who he was. Two years he had spent denying his feelings for Greg , while Greg himself had flirted willingly away. Greg had been on the borderline of giving up when the accident had occurred in the laboratory and Nick's fear of loosing Greg had overgrown the fears of facing his own sexuality. The first weeks after the explosion, he had helped Greg anyway he knew how, and anyway Greg would let him. Everyday tasks had become natural to do together, and one day Nick had worked up the courage to ask him out on a date.

The first date had not been a success, at the time Greg's wounds were not healed and the back had ached and it all culminated in a massive migraine. The second date did not carry the weight of a first-date's expectations, and it had fixed all the negatives from the first one. Given their history they did not need a long time to get to know each other, but they leaped into a relationship right away.

The friendship did not wipe all hinders away though, and they made mistakes, forgetting that a friend is different from a boyfriend, and they needed time redefining their roles. But with time they found the rhythm in their relationship. Their biggest worries were anyone finding out. Not that they wanted to keep it a secret, but Nick was not ready to come out to everyone just yet, and they had decided to give it some time. They had wanted to keep it private at least until their relationship was strong enough to carry the extra weight of pressure.

The first couple of months their relationship felt fragile and they only enjoyed their love in private. The third month however, Nick felt he was ready to tell his parents. Telling his parents was a huge step for him, a step he knew he could never undo. He hadn't been worried about being excluded from the family, his parents would never do that, but Nick was afraid of disappointing them beyond repair. Had he been almost anyone else of his siblings, the case would have been different, but he was not. He was Nick, the baby. The younger of the lot, the one they all loved and pampered, and the one that should bring only joy.

His eldest sister was bound by the family traditions and had followed his parents' choice of careers. This had opened the gates for the younger siblings to have more freedom, now that at least one had fulfilled the family obligation. The middle siblings did what they wanted, as long as they did not make a mark on the family reputation. And then there was Nick, Nick that would do anything to please. Nick that from whom every disappointment felt three times heavier than from anyone else. Nick who would keep a secret large as the state of Texas rather than to make his mommy sad, by telling her the babysitter molested him. Nick that at the age of nine learned that he could hide his feelings from is parents if that prevented them from being disappointed in him.

Breaking the news to his parents turned out to be the biggest relief in his life.

Encouraged by the acceptance of his parents, they decided to tell their friends as well, but by the time his longing to get out in the field was starting to be too much for Greg and afraid of jeopardizing this opportunity they decided to keep it quiet just a little bit longer. A secret Greg had found it hard to carry, and a secret Greg knew Nick lived with only for him. A secret that was meant to last only until Greg reached CSI one; a secret that was finally out.

Greg knew that, besides his parents, Warrick was the one person Nick was most afraid to come out to. His friendship was valuable and he would do nothing to endanger this.

Standing outside the break room, listening to the angry voices, Greg's old fears awoke. There was one thing Greg feared more than anything, and that was that Nick one day would hate him for being the one who had made him take the last step into leading a homosexual life. It was first when Nick sat him down telling him that it had been his decision and his alone that Greg started relaxing. Now all the worries built up again. He had come to the full realization that this conversation was loaded and had the potential to do a lot of damage.

“You and Greg,' he heard Warrick spit, “I simply don't get it.'

Greg made sure he was out of sight from the two friends.

'I didn't know there was anything to get,' Nick replied, rather irritated by now.

'Come on, here you walk around as the ladies man you let us all believe you were, talking about girls, fucking Kristy without pay, playing the role as the Texan cowboy to the fingertips. And now you want me to believe it is Sanders that makes your juices flow?'

“I never would have figured you as a homophobic, Rick!'

“I'm not,' Warrick cut him off.

“You certainly come off as one.'

“It's more, it's… it's fucking Sanders, man.'

“What exactly are you saying?'

“I can't believe you even like Sanders, never the less fuck him! Don't you think that he's just a tad bit annoying? I mean, yeah, he is a brilliant lab tech, but he is an annoying son of a bitch. CSI wannabe. The way he dress, the way he act. Come on, don't fuck with me. You aren't serious about him are you? Tell me this is just an experiment. Something you have to get out of your system. I'm all for it Nick, do whatever you like to have fun, but don't let this weirdo ruin your life.'

“I tell you just how serious I am with him,' Nick said in a strong, flat voice. “I am serious enough that I chose to risk disappointing my family, ruining my career and loosing my friends to be with him. That is how serious I am. And if you can't accept that, then that is your problem. Greg is in my life, and if I have anything to say about it, he is there to stay.'

Nick hurried out of the break room almost colliding into Greg rounding the corner.

'Sorry, I… Hi Greg.'

“Hi Nick.'

“Hey, are you alright? You look upset.'

“No, I… I overheard your conversation with Warrick.'

“Oh.'

“Are you okay?'

“Yeah.'

“Sure?'

“Yeah. I'll be fine.'

“Okay,' Greg sighed and looked at Nick. Really looked at him, searching for signs in his body language. He doubted Nick would be fine with Warrick putting them down, but Nick had the right to process the conversation on his own terms and in his own time, without Greg forcing him to talk. If Nick wanted to talk he knew where to find him, and Greg would always lend him his ear. Nick made a move to pass him and walk down the hallway when Greg stopped him.

'Thank you,' Greg told him before he would be too far down to hear his words.

“For what?' Nick turned around facing him.

“For standing up for me,' Greg smiled at him.

“Anytime baby, anytime.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greg hesitated a minute before walking into the break room facing Warrick.

“Greg,' Warrick nodded at him as he entered the room. By the expression on Greg's face, Warrick suspected that he had heard at least parts of the conversation he had with Nick.

“Warrick.'

“Listen Greg…' Warrick started without knowing what to say next.

“What?' Greg waited for him to continue.

“I know you heard the conversation between me and Nick.'

Greg did nothing to deny it.

“Listen,' Warrick gestured at him to give him the chance to explain. “I know I was out of line with you, I'm sorry.'

'Sorry for what? For Nick yelling at you? For me hearing you? I seriously don't think you are sorry for what you said, because unless something weird has happened since Nick walked out of here, you still feel the same way.'

“I'm..'

“And by the way,' Greg was on the roll and didn't let him finish, “I am not the one you should apologize to. It's okay that you don't like me. I have no need being liked by everyone. Hell, I know I'm not liked by everyone, and I live fine with that. But I can't accept you disrespecting Nick like that.'

“Disrespect?'

“Yes. I might be as weird as you may think, but Nick has chosen to be with me, believe it or not. We actually fit well together. We make each other happy. You know, I don't need to make so many annoying performances for him, as you so eloquently expressed it, because he sees me even when I'm quiet.'

Warrick did not know how to response, and it wouldn't matter anyway, because Greg continued with his monologue without a break.

“You may not like me, and I may not be more than a co-worker, lab rat, whatever to you. But you are a friend of Nick. You are one of the few he has been worried to tell about me, because he values your friendship so high. He was afraid to ruin it. And for some reason, he finds me important enough to risk that. At least we can agree on one thing: none of us understand what the hell he sees in me and how I can even be close to be good enough for him. I for sure just hope and pray I do nothing to screw it up as I always do. I will do my best to keep him happy for as long as he wants me. And if you really are his friend, I guess you want him to be happy too, and right now I am the one that makes him most happy. And wanting the best for Nick, we both should try to get along, for him. I don't ask you to be my friend, I honestly don't expect that from you, but I ask you, for Nick, can we at least try to get along?'

With that Greg picked up his wallet and walked out of the break room, leaving Warrick perplexed wondering when Greg had become this man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Who is this man?'

Warrick used to look at Greg as immature and rather annoying. The man had a brain for sure, but Warrick had never had the patience to wait for Greg to finish. Greg was simply too much. He was too loud, both in music and in colors, too spiky on his hair, too many words just to tell a simple result. He had too much energy for one person, and was simply too content. Come to think of it, Warrick had never seen Greg grumpy.

He can take the blame for most anything, his own and others mistakes, with a smile on his face. He simply delivers. They ask and he does. Sure he lets them know he is backlogged, overworked and tired, but he never says 'enough'.

It was the entire presentation act that had always put Warrick off. He would rather prefer to just have picked up the result instead of watching Greg finish. He would rather just be handed the paper than having to pay attention to the person behind it. Greg simply demanded attention, too much attention. Yet Warrick had just discovered that this attention had probably prevented him from seeing the real Greg.

'So who is this man?' he wondered. The man he had watched walking out of the break room was a grave looking man. He had still used many words, yet no single word had been empty. Although the often sugar-high energizer bunny had prevented the rest of them from seeing the depth of Greg, Warrick suspected that Nick had seen him a long time ago. Nick does that. When other skims the surface, Nick looks beyond and beneath. Warrick would not be surprised if, when the rest of them listened to all the nonsense spoken from Greg's mouth, Nick had been listening to everything Greg did not say. Maybe, when the rest of them heard Greg say 'yes', Nick had noticed the tiredness in his eyes. Maybe, when the rest of them were too busy emptying his high-priced stash of coffee he kept filling up for them, Nick kept track of how many cups Greg himself had to drink to keep himself going. Maybe, just maybe, Nick gave him attention un-requested, so that he did not have to ask for it.

Watching the slender body disappearing down the hall, Warrick realized all the attention Greg demanded on himself really hid how much he actually gave to the others. Looking at the man walking much stiller than usual, Warrick wondered if the high-demanding act had been a disguise for not showing how much he cares. At that moment Warrick knew he had not known this man at all.

Opening his locker, Nick wondered what he was doing. He had pictured the conversation in his mind many times, played it through many scenarios. He had pictured himself explaining to Warrick numerous times about him being bi. He had prepared what to say if he were to be accused of not being normal, not strictly liking girls, being sick, or even repulsing. What he most of all expected was shock. Pure shock, just because it was so surprising. He had done his best to hide the truth. Not in his wildest imagination had he pictured himself being forced to defending his choice of boyfriend. Defending Greg came natural; he had just never thought he had to do it to Warrick though. Why would he?

The day Greg had walked into his life had forced him on a change of path. He had fought his feelings for a long time; denied it even. Greg however had hit all the right buttons, and forced himself way under his skin. Whenever Nick lost himself in an emotional battle while struggling with a child abuse case, Greg would find him. Whenever he thought he needed to be alone, Greg would challenge him on it, sitting in silence next to him, always giving him just enough room to deal with the pain, but always close enough to give comfort. It was the noise people often recognized about Greg, but Nick had soon discovered that his silence spoke much louder than his words. It was when Greg listened that you could truly catch the depth in his soul, and that was when Nick realized he could not escape. You simply cannot run away from someone who truly sees you.

Greg would never forget the small things. Even before they were dating, he would causally hand him a gift-wrapped CD on his birthdays. Somehow it would always be a special CD missing in his collection, a CD Nick even hadn't known he wanted, but they always ended up being his favorites. Greg would always pick out just the right CD's to buy, even though he himself didn't even like that kind of music. He did it simply because he paid attention to Nick's music collection, and noticed which CD's that was played over and over, and which only collected dust.

He would quietly bring him a cup of coffee even before Nick knew he needed one. He would put on a show to make him smile, or keep it to the fact when Nick had one of his rough days. Greg knew when to push and when to give up, and when Nick had finally worked up the nerve to ask him out, he was still waiting. Patiently waiting until Nick was ready.

Nick would probably never have worked up the courage if not the lab had exploded. He had been in the A/V lab at the time, working with Archie on an ongoing case. The silence before the explosion was what Nick remembered the best, although he wasn't sure there had been silence at all. Maybe it just feels like there were, because all other sounds were being sucked up by the deafening explosion. Although he was not even sure the explosion had been so deafening, just all-consuming and scary. It wiped everything else away from the center of attention, and became the single focus of all the senses. As he tuned into the world again; he could hear shouting voices and smell smoke, fear and fire in the air. He could see Jacqui walking by bleeding, and he could hear someone yelling for an ambulance. Ambulance? Where? Who? He had never since been able to remember moving towards the core of the explosion, but at one point he stood watching Greg lying lifeless in the middle of the debris. He had wanted to run to him, fall down next to him and touch him, but his body froze in the middle of the heat. Archie had touched his arm and pulled him out of the way for the paramedics to come through. He had been watching as they strapped Greg on the gurney and pulled him out of the building. As they drove off to the hospital, Nick had wanted to follow, but his feet were still glued to the ground. He simply could not move.

Not daring to think about the possible outcome for Greg, Nick had forced himself to work the case at hand. With his mind distracted from Greg, he could almost breathe. He did good focusing until it had been time to clock out. Unable to drive home, he had ended up steering his car towards the Desert Palm Hospital and Greg Sanders. Entering Greg's room all he could focus on had been Greg's breathing. His sleeping body seemed painless, relaxed by the morphine drip attached to his veins. Closing the gap between the door and the hospital bed, Nick had no longer been confused about his own feelings. Lowering himself in the chair next to the bed, he finally calmed down enough to fall asleep at the sound of Greg slowly exhale and inhale. He had only fallen asleep to wake up an hour later to meet the piercing look of two brown eyes, facing him in understanding and acceptance.

“Hi,' Greg had said, smiling a faint smile tainted by pain.

“Hi,' Nick had answered, not knowing what else to say. Hospitals had always made him uncomfortable, and Greg had seemed to know.

“I'm fine, Nick,' he said.

Greg had accepted his help and let Nick into his life, even though Nick knew Greg by nature wanted to be as independent as possible. Later Nick realized that Greg knew Nick needed to help, just as much as he needed to receive it, maybe even more. They had made routines and soon they became used to working side by side on everyday tasks. It was not until 6 weeks later that he dared asking him on a date. He had tried to play it safe, asking him out for a dinner that could easily be interpreted as a friend's night out, if Greg did not return his feelings. Greg had met him more than half way though, and called it a date to once and for all remove any of his doubts.

Taking him out for the first time had been a nerve-wracking experience. He had wanted everything to be perfect, and apparently so did Greg. Throughout the evening it became apparent that the still sore back was tormenting Greg and just a couple of hours into the date, Nick found it necessary to ask if he wanted to call it the night. He suggested that they could try again later, and the gratefulness in Greg's eyes had told him the truth about Greg's intentions, and his sincerity of making this a wonderful evening. The first, gentle kiss, at the end of the abrupt date, bared a promise for times to come.

The fear of loosing him the day before had been a shock. Having him around had started to feel normal, and facing the threat of not having him in his life was an eye-opener. Realizing that he hadn't paid him the attention he needed was even worse, and everything else faded compared to the importance of Greg.

'I let you down.'

The words had struck him as Greg had whispered them merely 24 hours before. 'I wanted to be the best, for you.'

Seeing Greg outside the break room after the argument with Warrick had put him off. Being put down by Warrick had hurt, but not as much as the thought of Greg actually hearing it. He knew Greg sometimes still felt insecure in their relationship, and that he for some reason didn't trust himself being equal to Nick. Nick had never gotten to the bottom of that.

'I wanted you to be proud of me.'

Didn't he know? Didn't Greg know that he was the most important person in his life? In his eyes, Greg was the best. Greg was cheerful, intelligent, lively, solemn, handsome, sexy and his mate, all in one person. But to Greg, it all boiled down to one thing; He felt insignificant next to Nick, and Nick had never found a way to show him differently. It was like Greg always waited for Nick to leave him, even though Nick can't breathe just by the mere thought of being without him. Adding Warrick's words to that, was not something Greg needed right now. Had he only known how to prove to Greg how good he was, how much he meant for him, he would have done it in a second.

'I'm a high achiever, I must be, have always been. I don't know how to be anything else… And suddenly I'm willing to settle for less, just to get away. I'm willing to give up. I'm failing...'

He tried to tell him as often as he could that he loves him, but unfortunately words seem to be just that: words, and Greg's, for some, well hidden lack of confidence sometimes takes over.

Closing the locker Nick knew he needed to talk to Warrick again. Warrick had been in his life too long, and was too good a friend to walk away from. He knew with time Warrick would be able to see the true Greg. He had never thought Warrick to be unreasonable, and as friends they had been through a lot. Having to defend Greg to him had stung more than he wanted to admit. If there was one person in his life he wanted acceptance from, it was Warrick. They had had their battles throughout the years. They had had their disagreements, and even fights, but Warrick had never been mean before. Never! It didn't seem right though. Something felt off, but Nick couldn't put his finger on it. What he did know though was that having Warrick in his life was important, having Greg in his life was essential. Most of all, he wanted both of them in his life, but there was only one that he could not live without.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking at Greg when he opened the passenger seat door in the car, Catherine wondered how he so easily had forgiven her after the explosion. Entering the hospital room seeing him tired and exhausted in the hospital bed had hurt. Realizing she was to blame had pierced her heart. When she was assigned the investigation of the accident, she had been determined to find whoever was to blame. She would not easily forgive whoever was responsible, and nesting it down to her self was a sickening experience. At one point, both she and Warrick had been more than happy to let Hodges hang for the whole thing, and when understanding the whole truth, she had to direct all that hatred towards herself. Knowing that Greg was injured and having promised him to get to the bottom of it, she had no other choice than to face him with the truth her self.

Telling Greg the truth had been one of her most difficult tasks of her life. She didn't want it to come from anyone else though. She knew she had to face up to what she had done, and take whatever punishment was given. She knew that whatever consequences it had for her, it was only a fraction of the consequences the incident had for Greg.

Upon telling him, he had immediately accepted the truth. For him it had been simply a matter of fact. He did not have the need to blame anyone; he simply needed to know what had happened. When he knew that, he could go on, or so she had thought.

Learning today that he in fact had not come to terms with it had opened up a door to a room full of unanswered questions.

“I am sorry, Greg, ' she told him as she drove towards the desert.

'For what?' Greg turned to her.

“For blowing up the lab.'

He didn't response in a long time, just focusing out the window. She started to believe he hadn't heard her.

“I thought we were over that,' he finally said, while not shifting his focus.

She could not read him, and did not know whether it was anger, disbelief, tiredness or simply coldness that put the flat tone in his voice.

“Obviously we are not, or else you would still be in the lab working today.'

'What?' he shot back, fire in his voice this time and his eyes met her in a hard gaze.

“So you are angry.'

'No.'

'Then what?'

'Tired!'

'Of what?'

'Of always having to tip toe around you!'

“Around me?'

'Yes you!' he almost spat. “All of you,' he added in a milder tone, while turning the focus into nothingness again.

Sensing he didn't want to talk about it right now, she let him sit for a few minutes before she addressed him again.

“Why do you feel you have to tip toe around us?'

“Heh,' he snorted, looking at her and shook his head. “Because of this,' he continued.

“What?'

“Because you all feel so guilty.' He stressed the last word.

“And…?'

'…And I can't take it.' He said it in an matter-of-fact way, leaving no room for discussion.

“Why?' She had never been one to leave it with no discussion.

“Because,' he said not willing to elaborate.

“Not good enough.' She played him hard.

“Because it is harder to see you all hurt by guilt than sucking up the fucking fear, okay? Happy now?'

She pulled the car over.

“I'm not happy about any of this, Greg.' Right now she felt harder talking to him than Lindsey.

“Well, guess what, neither am I.'

Looking at him for a while she tried to find the right words, but couldn't find them. “What do you want me to do?'

'Don't know. Nothing!'

“Nothing?'

'Nothing. That's it. There's nothing that can be done.'

'There must be something.'

'It's not….' He looked her straight in the eyes now, forcing her to believe him. “Sometimes I wish you had done it on purpose.'

'Why?'

'Because then I would know that you wouldn't do it again. But it was a fucking accident. It happens… unfortunately to me. How can I know it won't happen again? You just did what everyone else did, you placed an unknown substance under the fume hood. The hotplate was accidentally turned on, and bam… my whole life is different. If you'd done it intently I could be safe there now, but I can't protect my self from all those small incidents that combined makes an accident. I can't… and I can't even blame anyone. It wasn't your fault. Don't you think I wanted to blame you? I did! I wanted to scream at you, but it wasn't your fault, and still you looked so guilty. So I had to be careful not to look scared, or sad, or even just a little bit down, so that you wouldn't feel guilty anymore. I never hated you for blowing up the lab, but I may have hated you for feeling guilty.'

He was crying by now, and Catherine had no idea how to react. His words made her feel even guiltier, but the same words told her loud and clear that that was not the right emotion to show at the time.

“I'm sorry,' Greg surprised her by saying.

'Why?'

'I shouldn't have… and I cried, and I … I didn't have any right putting it all out on you…and I..'

“Stop it!' She couldn't listen to all his apologizes. “You had all the right. Not only am I a big part of, and the reason for, this problem, although not voluntarily. But I am also your friend, aren't I?'

“Yeah.'

'And friends are supposed to listen, aren't they?'

“Yeah.'

“And you aren't supposed to keep it all inside, are you?'

“No…. Hey! That wasn't fair,' he said as it obviously occurred to him that she had tricked him into admitting the last part.

“Fair or not, you aren't supposed to keep it all in.'

“I'm beginning to understand that.'

“Do you talk to Nick about it?'

“A-hum…..'

“Greg?'

“Not until yesterday.'

'A little bit late wasn't it?'

“Yeah.'

“You will from now on though?'

“Yeah.' He sounded defeated as he answered.

“Greg?'

“I will. I just…'

'What?'

'I still don't feel okay with it.'

'Telling Nick?'

'Yeah.'

'Why?'

'He…. He is so understanding, so supportive, and I can't help but being afraid that he will be too supportive. Do you see what I mean?'

“No. Not really.'

'I mean. I'm afraid that he will do too much for me. That he will be so afraid for me that he forgets himself. I don't want it to destroy our relationship. I love him. I need him. And I'm not good enough for him. I'm not…. I can't see why he…And if this is bad… and if he leaves…' He stopped mid sentence.

She could not answer anything to that, all she could do was hold his hand showing him it was okay to cry.

“Do you really want to do something for me?' He looked at her with no hesitation but a strong determination in his eyes.

'Anything,' she said.

'Be there for Nick!'

The drive home was silent. Greg could tell the both of them had a lot on their minds but none of them knew where to start a conversation. Nick was driving, so Greg was the one left with the most time to let his thoughts drift, and he did so in high speed. He looked at the people passing by, all seemed determent to get to work in a hurry. He looked at the sun that was telling the city to wake up, yet he was on his way home to sleep. He looked at the dog on the lawn, sniffing on some other dogs urinal manifest, only concerned about the here and now and Greg wondered if anyone knew how much his whole life had been turned upside down the last 48 hours.

Driving home with his boyfriend.
Driving home with Nick.
Driving home in openness.
This was what they wanted, right? This was what he had asked for.
Openness; not hiding anymore.
So why did he feel so numb? Why hadn't it removed the knot in his stomach?

Sure he felt relieved. This was what they had wanted and dreaded for so long, and now it was over and done with. They had told everyone. They had actually told everyone. The realization of the words hadn't really sunk in yet. Catherine, Grissom and Sara seemed okay about it, but Warrick was another matter. Warrick was, well, Warrick, which made it rather complicated. Warrick was not mean or difficult, he was just rather strong headed, something that could be said about all the CSI's. What made Warrick different was that Warrick was Nick's friend.

Part of him wanted to let Warrick be Nick's problem; it was his friend after all. But being the subject of their argument kind of dragged him in to it. He didn't want to see Nick hurt, and he didn't want to see Nick loose Warrick as a friend either, not even now, when he didn't have very high thoughts about him. One thing was to take crap from others, he could do that. He didn't like it, hell, he hated it, but he took it none the less. But he couldn't stand by watching anyone bash others, and especially not his boyfriend. It wasn't an eagerness to be a hero that hade made him interfere; he just knew that if he watched he would add to the pain. So he preferred standing up to the wrong doers over inflicting more pain. This had made him rather unpopular in school though. The way to make friends with the popular folks is not to stand up to them on behalf of the poor suckers being trampled on. Having a brain and being the leader of the chess club didn't exactly give him higher scores, but the final straw had been when the quarterback called him a fag and in his strives to stay true to the truth, he didn't deny it. That night he had been officially beaten.

The disappointing part had not been being beaten by the entire football team. Yes, it had hurt, they had muscles for sure. No, the disappointing part had been, and still was, that when he was the one being trampled on, there had been no one to stand up for him. No one had interfered, no one had visited him at the hospital, and no one told him how sorry they were that this had happened to him. He, Greg Sanders, was the one that everybody found it okay to step on and throw away. And the really surprising part was that not even a single adult had seen it coming. They had all praised him for being so grown up, so strong, so independent, and they had all missed to see that walking alone was not always a choice of independence, but rather a strategy to survive. They missed to see that the boy inside was very much a child; a frightened little child who just wanted some support. No one would blame him for being all grown up now though. One should believe he would have retreated and turned inwards after the attack. He didn't… He continued holding his head up high and facing everyone. He continued standing up for others, although with a little less enthusiasm than before, and he continued being true to the truth, at least when it came to the important issues, like being gay. And he had started shooting back jokes when he was hurt, and putting up shows to make sure that he was the one controlling the situation. One situation he could not control though was relationship. He could give himself all up to another person, or he could hold back. He would trust that person to be good, and give him everything, but how could he ever trust himself to be good enough? Greg, the one they all had agreed was dispensable…

The lab rat
The CSI wannabe
The one that do not belong.

'Weak. Or Strong?' he thought while streets passed them by, 'I don't know…
Weak because I can't accept help?
Strong because I carry it all by my self and don't bother others with it?
Weak?
Strong?
I need help. I asked for help. Yesterday. I asked for help.
And then I asked for help again, from Catherine.
Be there… Be there for Nick.
I don't want to do this to him. I don't want him to carry this burden. I don't want him to have to be there for me, but I can't…
I can't carry it alone anymore. It's too much. I can't…
Be there for Nick, so that he can be there for me.
Be there so that I can fall apart, and feel… I just need to feel. I just…
I have never accepted the help before, just from Nick. But that was physical. That was burns…
I let him help me with the burns, so that he could ease his own pain. He needed that. I could not deny him that.
I have never accepted this kind of help before. I'm doing it now. I'm doing it…
I don't know how…
Talk to him, she said. Talk to him…
I don't know how. I don't know… where to start…
I don't know…
What if I hurt him?
What if it's too much?
What if…?'

He had always been there to stand up for others. He was there for Nick. He wanted to be there for Nick. Knowing that the fallout between Nick and Warrick was an argument only concerning the two of them didn't leave him much choice than to back out though, if he only knew how….

Nick hadn't talked to him about it yet, but hey, they were only on their way home from work, and they had barely seen each other all day. Besides, work was not the place to talk. Still, not a word about it in the locker room, the parking lot, or here in the car. Not a word at all in the car as a matter of fact. Nick had been all quiet since they left the CSI building, and Greg surprised himself by shutting up. He simply didn't know which of the thousand thoughts he should say, and even though there usually were no filter between his brain and mouth, there simply wasn't room for all those words to come out, so he kept quiet.

“I can't believe you even like Sanders, never the less fuck him! Don't you think that he's just a tad bit annoying? I mean, yeah, he is a brilliant lab tech, but he is an annoying son of a bitch. CSI wannabe. The way he dress, the way he act. Come on, don't fuck with me. You aren't serious about him are you? Tell me this is just an experiment. Something you have to get out of your system. I'm all for it Nick, do whatever you like to have fun, but don't let this weirdo ruin your life.'

Warrick's words had mirrored his own thoughts and all of a sudden, the reality had hit him hard. Nick would know. Nick would see who he truly was, and he would understand that Greg had not been the right person to risk it all for. He would know. He would know…..

What if…

What if Nick stopped loving him? What if Nick only had fallen in love with the funny Greg that always put up a show? What if he didn't like him anymore when he got all serious? What if he would start thinking of Greg as a burden? What if he only stayed with him out of pity, because he was too afraid of hurting him when he was already down because of the whole job mess? What if he would start hating him for scaring Warrick away?

What if…

What if Nick realized who he really was? What if Nick would see what the rest of them saw so clearly? He had hoped that if he only behaved, cleaned up after himself, and did not bring any problems to the relationship, then maybe Nick would still love him. And he had done that, all until yesterday. Yesterday, when he had quit his job. Yesterday when his agony had pushed him over the edge and forced him to show Nick the real face of Gregory Hojem Sanders. He hadn't left. Nick hadn't left, and Greg was still stunned by that. Nick had been afraid that Greg had left, but that was of course before he had seen the real him.

'You still are Greg.'

Did he know him? Had he seen him? Who was he anyway? Greg? Who was the Greg Nick still thought he was?

“I thought I'd lost you!'

“Why didn't you tell me?'

Nick had been sad. The weird thing was, Nick hadn't seemed sad that Greg was weak, he had seemed sad that he hadn't told him sooner. That he had been held in the dark, and that he hadn't been given the opportunity to help him. Nick wanted to help him. Nick. Nick wanted to help him. Help. Someone who do not think he is disposable. Nick doesn't think so, and that after he had seen him weak. He had seen him fail, and he was sad because he hadn't seen it sooner.

It was merely 24 hours ago that Nick had last convinced him about his love.

How little did he trust in his boyfriend? Did he really deserve a boyfriend like that, when he didn't even trust in his love? When the words and kind acts hadn't been enough, did he deserve him?

“I am serious enough that I chose to risk disappointing my family, ruining my career and loosing my friends to be with him. That is how serious I am. And if you can't accept that, then that is your problem. Greg is in my life, and if I have anything to say about it, he is there to stay.'

He had heard the words before. Not the exact same, but the meaning of them.

Nick had sat him down, told him that he himself had made the choice to be with Greg. 'I love you', he had said.

Love.

Love?

He had said the words again.

Not to Greg.

He had said them again, without knowing Greg was listening.

Not to Greg.

Did that make them true?

Did he talk about Greg? The Greg he was, or the Greg Nick thought he was…

He saw yesterday. He saw and he stayed.

Love.

Love is a big word, isn't it? Love…

“I chose to risk.'

“That is how serious I am.'

Risk – I chose to risk. Is that it?

Did he love enough? Was he willing to risk enough? Was he willing enough to risk being disappointed, so that he can be honest with Nick? Doesn't Nick deserve that?

It is love, isn't it, when you see all your world crashing down, and all you can think of is spending just a little more time with the man next to you in bed? Love is when you want to scream his name to the world, but you live in hiding because he is not ready to come out just yet. Love is when you hold his hand when he cries at night, because some child has been molested and he could do nothing to prevent it.

But is it love, when you have to ask him to bear more than his share of the burdens, because you can't carry your part at the moment? Is it love, when you ask him to jeopardize his friendship with his best friend, because you can't live in hiding anymore? Is it love, when you knowingly let him pay most of the bills the next few months, because you sacrificed the pay check being too chicken to be in the lab that has been your workplace for the last 4 years. Is that love or are you simply being egocentric?

Maybe it is love to tell him, so that you can decide together how much of the burdens you shall both carry. Maybe it is love when you trust him enough to love you when you need it? Maybe it is love when you let him be there for you because he loves you and wants to help you, just as much as you want to be there for him. Maybe it is love when you drive home in silence because you don't have to say anything, because you know he will be there later, when you are ready to talk.

Maybe it is love when you decide that you shall open up to him from now on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warrick felt sick to the stomach when he rang the bell at Nick's townhouse. It was not the first time he had rung that bell, and it would hopefully not be the last either. He had entered this house feeling the entire specter of emotions, but today would be the worst by far, if he were to enter the house at all that is.

He had previously come here happy and content to visit a friend, spending an evening in front of a football game, drinking beers and just hanging out. He had been here worried and blue when he needed to be distracted from gambling. He had entered angry when he'd processed the scene after Nigel Crane decided he wanted to become Nick and occupied his attic. This is the house in which he cried when his mistake led to Holly's death. This was also where he was given the opportunity to pay Nick back for his tremendous support when he needed a friend after Kristi's murder.

For the first time he was not sure he was welcome.

Working up the courage to look Nick into his eyes, he straightened his back and took three deep breaths. The door opened and he did not look down but met the firm gaze of Greg Sanders. Whether or not the shiver felt was of relief of the slightly postponed confrontation or fear of reprimands from this strong man in a fragile frame he would never be able to tell. Neither how he ended up in the living room chair, facing Nick on the couch, while Greg sat in the opposite corner of the couch from Nick, curled up with his legs underneath him. Part of him wanted Greg to leave for this conversation, but Nick had signaled that he wanted Greg to stay and none were to object to that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nick watched Warrick enter the room. He had decided he wanted to talk with him, he just wasn't sure he was ready yet. Something had been off in the argument they had earlier, and he couldn't quite recognize his friend in the Warrick he had seen then. He knew he had to listen to him, and give him a chance to explain. He also knew he needed Greg to be there with him, he had to make sure they both knew that Greg was the most important person in his life.

'Warrick,' Nick said leaving him room to say what he came for.

“Nick,' Warrick needed another breath, “I'm sorry.'

“Okay, keep talking,' Nick closed his otherwise open face, shutting Warrick out of the incredible bright appearance that was Nick Stokes.

“I had no right to say what I said about Greg.' He turned his attention slightly towards Greg before focusing on Nick again.

“No,' Nick swallowed, “you had the right.'

Warrick seemed stunned by this and was silenced like he wasn't really sure how to respond. From the corner of his eye he could see Greg moving uncomfortably in his part of the couch ready to stand up. Nick could only assume he thought Nick was confirming Warrick's harsh words from earlier. He was fast to nod his head put his hand comforting on Greg's thigh while adding “I didn't say you were right about what you said. I only said you had the right to say it. You were awfully wrong in your assumptions though.'

“I know,' Warrick found his voice again, and Greg sat back, although rather tense. Nick felt puzzled, the last time they talked, merely 12 hours ago, he had launched at him pretty hard. “Let's just say the both of you are equally good at defending each other,' Warrick explained the shift in his opinion.

“I didn't know.' Nick threw a look to his boyfriend that looked back at him rather embarrassed.

'I guess he figured it was my job to come talk to you and he was absolutely correct.' Warrick dried his sweaty palms on his pants, obviously nervous.

“So..?' Nick waited for a continuance.

“So…,' Warrick looked him straight in the eyes, “I am sorry I disrespected you.'

“Go on'.

“I should have known…you know better. You are a better judge of character, so I should have known that Greg is good enough for you. I'm sorry.'

'No. As I said, you were right, not about Greg though, he is great…' He smiled at Greg hoping he would see his sincerity, before turning towards Warrick again, “and you are right, I am a better judge of character. But you know, as a friend, I'm thankful that you were willing to tell me if you really thought I was wrong. Not everyone would do that.'

“Well, some would be more tactful.' Warrick looked down, clearly embarrassed by his behaviour.

“True.'

“But that's not all.' Warrick took a deep breath almost like preparing himself to jump into the deep end.

“Okay?' Nick tried to help him to continue.

“I just… This is rather embarrassing... I think I was disappointed. I Think… We are good friends, right? Were I mean?'

“Yeah'

“So, I was hurt that you hadn't told me. Stupid, I know! I was thinking that you held out on me, and it hurt. I wasn't thinking straight. I mean, why should you tell me when you didn't tell anyone else? You probably had good reason, but all I could think of was that you hadn't told me, and I was mad. I was hurt, and disappointed, and I don't do disappointments very well. I took it all out in a very childish way. I guess I… I guess I didn't really listen to all that you said, I only focused on the part where you'd held it a secret, and I blocked everything else out. I thought you for some reason didn't think of me as a good friend as I consider you…'

Nick felt his heart fall. He hadn't considered that. He hadn't even for one minute thought about how Warrick would feel that they deliberately lied to him for a year.

“I can see that.' Nick could feel his eyes fill with moisture, but he didn't care. Although the room was filled with grown men, they were all on the edge of crying now. “I'm very sorry. We wanted to tell you, we did! It just wasn't the right time. There was so much at stake, our jobs… mostly Greg's job, and I couldn't risk that for you. I couldn't. Not even you. I hope you can understand that.'

“I know,' Warrick was fast to reassure him, 'I have grown a lot smarter the last few hours.'>{? “Good.'

“And all the things I said about Greg. I…' Warrick changed focus to the rather uncomfortable looking younger man in the couch, “I am sorry I haven't seen who you are. I've been so blind: I hope that you one day can forgive me, and that we can learn to be friends as well some day. I don't expect this to happen any day soon, but maybe with time'

The younger man only nodded. Crying now, and clearly not able to trust his voice. 'I just want you to know, both of you' Nick draw both of the men's attention to him, “that Greg will always come first for me, but Warrick you're also important. 'kay?'

“Thanks' Warrick was visibly more relaxed now. Greg on the other hand had started shaking, and Nick knew it was matter of minutes before all his barriers would fall.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While Nick pulled a crying Greg into his embrace, Warrick took this as his cue to leave the house, happy knowing that he hadn't, by some miracle, ruined a valuable friendship. He didn't deserve their forgiveness so easily, but he sure knew he wouldn't risk it again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greg leaned into Nick's embrace and let his tears flow.

'This is love' he thought. 'This is love, and Nick didn't leave.'

'Greg!' His name was said in a low tone that gave him comfort. He knew he didn't need to figure it all out right now. There would be a day tomorrow; a day where he could say everything his mind was wrapped around, a day that would still be shared with Nick.

-FIN-

• Main CSI page
• The new stories
• Gil/Greg stories
• Gil/Nick stories
• Gil/Warrick stories
• Nick/Greg stories
• Nick/Warrick stories
• Greg/Warrick stories
• Nick/Bobby stories
• Jim Brass stories
• David Hodges stories
• CSI: New York stories
• CSI: Miami stories
• Other pairings & threesomes
• Gen CSI stories
• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - The Eighth Season