Title: Mary Perfect
By: anmani
Summary: Just a trip to the beach. This is written for the Great Mary Sue challenge at ngchallenge on livejournal. Be warned this is a crack! Mary Sue.
Characters: Nick, Greg, other
Genres: angst, romance, AU, humor
Rating: PG13
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: They belong to the CBS and not me.
Beta: Serenity

The sun was shining down on her from a perfect blue sky on a perfect day in her perfect life. She was the embodiment of the American dream.

Everybody saw her movies.
Everybody listened to her songs.
Everybody saw the posters of her all over town.
Everybody wanted her perfect life.

She strolled down the beach that she felt was hers. There was hardly ever anybody frequenting this part of it since you had to climb a rocky stretch to get to this little piece of heaven on earth. A place well suited to her perfect life.

Her husband, whom could only be described as an Adonis, had taken their perfectly well behaved children to the Zoo for the day, letting her have this time to herself. After having finished another movie 4 days ago, one destined to beat the box office, she needed some peace and quiet before throwing herself back into the game again.

A peace that was rudely disturbed by a Southern voice talking about birds. Anger and Curiosity had a short debate on who was to take lead, before Curiosity won aided by Lust. With all the stealth she possessed, the army was still running tests to learn her secret, she edged closer to the voice. A fine delicate and dedicated male voice spoke with confidence on the topic.

Before her sat two men on her sacred beach, which they seemingly enjoyed. The one talking had nice dark conservative hair and his face wrinkled whenever he smiled, and that was most of the time. The other, currently listening, had a smooth face with a couple of strategic placed moles adding a touch of femininity to him. His hair had obviously a fancier hairdresser and she wondered if he used more time there than she did with hers. But then again, she had easy hair that hardly took any work at all to look absolutely stunning.

She studied the two men interacting and came to the conclusion that they should be a couple. Clearly they were just friends taking time away from, what she deducted to be, the forensic conference being held this week in town. Colleagues, the conversation revealed after a while, where Wrinkly had seniority and Smooth the eager student.

Wrinkly was clearly the touchy feely type and constantly had a hand reaching out for Smooth, who seemed shyer with his actions only once initiating a touch. Smooth however had a smoother mouth, talking about things that clearly tested Wrinkly's vanilla taste. She liked the way Smooth talked, it had this sexy bedroom quality to it and if she didn't already have a perfect husband, she would consider him for his voice alone.

After having listened to them for a while she decided to intervene. They clearly needed somebody to shove them in the right direction and they would make the cutest couple ever, of that she was perfectly sure. She made her way over to where they were sitting.

"Hi, sorry for interrupting you guys." She flashed them her perfect win-them-all smile and continued. "But you are just about the cutest couple that I've laid eyes on."

Wrinkly dropped his jaw at her statement and Smooth looked at her with eyes wide.

"We… we're not a couple." Smooth managed in his shocked state.

"Oh you so are. Come on I just wanted to compliment you." She smiled in the most reassuring way and Wrinkly picked up his jaw again.

"No ma'am we're not." The southern accent was thicker than before.

"You are pulling my leg here, aren't you?" People normally didn't jest around her, so for a moment her pre-makeover insecurity surfaced.

"No we are not!" Smooth said with determination.

"Just because we tend to our looks does not mean that we are ready made gay Casanovas." He continued clearly pronouncing each word correctly making sure to get his point across.

"Ma'am we were just minding our own business here and would like to keep doing so." Wrinkly looked very taken aback and she was so unaccustomed to being wrong that she had no reply handy, which was totally unheard of.

"Would you excuse us?" Smooth asked softly.

"Of course and I'm sorry to have disturbed you." She huffed and walked away with all the dignity she could muster.

When she was certain that they had lost interest in her, she returned to stealth mode and doubled back. There was no way she was going to leave this unfinished. She had never been a quitter; any goal she had set for herself she had reached and two random guys surely wasn't going to ruin her perfect track record.

"Why is that when women see two men talking civilized to each other they shout gay?" Smooth wondered out loud.

"Civilized?! Do you really think of yourself as civilized G?" Wrinkly mocked and gave Smooth a loving shove.

"Hrmph a lot more than you Mr. Country and cowboy boots." Smooth mocked back.

"Seriously women don't have a clue." Smooth settled his face into a frown.

"Nah, tell me about it. There was a woman once who told me I had a lot of feminine energy going." Wrinkly stated incredulously.

"It was worse when I styled my hair, they all thought I was gay."

"Why did you let your hair grow out?" Wrinkly asked curiously.

"My stylist left town, I modeled for her, so I got the hair for free." Smooth said matter-of-factly.

"Oh and you're just too cheap to pay for it now?"

"Do you have any idea how much that would cost me?" She was shocked to hear that Smooth was not doing anything to his hair, could it really be that he had better hair than her?

"No not really, by the way didn't she look kinda familiar?"

"Oh hello man, you only saw her on like 5 billboards on the way down here." Smooth sounded exasperated and she felt another shock jolt through her system, someone that didn't recognize her!

At Wrinkly's questioning stare Smooth elaborated.

"One for her latest album, one for her new lingerie-series, one for her new perfume, one for her latest movie and then one for the computer game she stars in. You know one of those adventure things."

Wrinkly nodded and slowly recognition dawned on his face. She let out the breath that she had been holding and shook her head in disbelief.

She stayed and listened to them for another ½ hour, before she gave up on the hope that they would at least have the talk about why people would think them a couple. Defeated she walked home thinking all the old dark scary thoughts. Her perfect day had just been perfectly ruined.