Title: Back to Normal
Author: podga
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: CSI and its characters do not belong to me. I write and post for fun only.
Summary: Sequel to 'What the Hell' Moments. Series 5

He promised. In fact they both did. Things back to normal as of today. Last night? Didn’t happen.

Only it did.

Nick wishes he could say that it was great, incredible, but actually it wasn’t. It was awkward and uncomfortable and he was too tense and too aware of what was happening and with whom. He’d expected amazing Technicolor; what he got instead was pretty dull gray and he was almost relieved when it was over and Grissom got up to go. Grissom didn’t say much, just shrugged and smiled a little. Could’ve been an apology. Or, more likely, an “Oh, well, we tried, let’s put it behind us now” sort of smile.

Back to normal.

 

He runs into Kate outside the diner.

“Hey, stranger, long time no see!”

“Hi, Kate.”

He looks for Brian, but Kate is with a young cop with big ears.

“New partner?” he asks.

Kate glares at the cop, who turns a bright red.

“Wait for me at the car, Collins,” she barks, and he almost runs towards it. She grins at Nick. “No, just temporary while Brian is on compassionate leave. Thank God. It’s fun tormenting the rookies, though.”

“Compassionate leave? What happened?”

Kate looks at him with a strange expression on her face.

“You don’t know? I thought you two hung together.”

He shrugs. “Not really. Off and on.”

“Uh huh. His father passed away unexpectedly.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear it.”

“Don’t tell me, tell him,” she says brusquely. She looks at Collins, who’s standing at the car and waiting for her, and gestures that she’ll be another moment, then grabs Nick by the elbow and walks him a couple of steps to the side, so that they’re not blocking the entrance to the diner.

“Brian would probably kill me for this if he knew, but I gotta say it. I don’t know what happened between you, but he’s a good guy. And you seem like a nice enough guy yourself. Can’t you make up?”

“Make up?” he asks, trying unsuccessfully to loosen his elbow from her grip. “What are you talking about?”

She makes an impatient sound. “God, not you too. What is it with you two? Okay, let me put this differently. Brian could use a good friend right now. Specifically you.”

“But I’m not…”

“Oh, shut up, Nick. I can guess full well what you are and what you’re not. More to the point, I know what Brian is, even though he likes to pretend that I don’t. And I know that for a while after he met you he was the happiest I’ve ever seen him, and then suddenly he wasn’t. Fine; things happen. But if you care for him at all, give him a call.” She pauses, then adds with heavy irony: “As a friend, of course.”

She finally releases his elbow and stalks off without giving him a chance to respond.

 

It’s a quiet shift. He feels a bit guilty wishing he had more to do, because as a rule something pretty bad has to have occurred to someone for him to be busy. But he desperately needs something to occupy his thoughts.

He sees Grissom at the end of the hallway, standing with his hands in his pockets, talking to Catherine. Grissom laughs at something Catherine says, then he looks up and meets Nick’s eyes and his smile slowly fades. Nick stares back, wishing he knew what Grissom is thinking. It takes almost physical effort to break eye-contact and get his feet moving again. He turns into the DNA lab, even though he has no business there but unfortunately Greg is too busy to provide distraction for long.

When shift ends, he can no longer avoid what he knows he should do, and that’s to call Brian and express his sympathies. As he dials the number, he wishes for the hundredth time that he hadn’t run into Kate today. Brian doesn’t pick up and, as usual, he’s forgotten to forward his phone to voicemail. Nick toys with the idea of sending an SMS, but it seems a cold way to communicate condolences.

His phone rings while he’s on the way home.

“You called me,” Brian says, sounding unusually subdued. “I guess you heard.”

“Yeah. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss.” He pulls over to the side of the road. “I understand it was pretty sudden.”

“A stroke. He survived the first one, but he had a second one a day later and it finished him off.”

Nick pauses, looking for something to say.

“Were you there?”

“No. I didn’t make it on time,” Brian says, his voice tightening. Nick hears him take a deep breath and clear his throat. “Anyway. The funeral was yesterday. I got back into town an hour ago.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Fine. These things happen. Life, you know?” Brian sounds like he’s about to spurt several more clichés, so Nick interrupts him.

“Listen. Uh… can I help in any way?”

There’s a long silence. “Like how?” Brian asks finally and Nick can’t come up with an answer.

“I don’t know. I could come over and keep you company, if you like.”

“If you want,” Brian says listlessly and hangs up.

 

The sight of Brian shocks him at first. His eyes are red and he looks haggard. His beard is too fair to show, but Nick feels the bristles scrape against his cheek when he hugs Brian and that gets him even more worried; normally Brian shaves twice a day, even when he’s worked a double shift, even when he’s so hung over he can barely hold the razor without his hand shaking. It’s one of his things.

“Would you like a beer?” Brian asks. “It’s all I’ve got.”

“I’m fine, thanks. Don’t worry about it.”

Brian nods and goes to sit on the couch, elbows on his knees, his head buried in his hands. Nick follows him and sits across from him on the coffee table.

“Bri? Why did you come back so early? Wouldn’t you rather be with your family?”

Brian doesn’t respond, and Nick reaches over and puts his hand on Brian’s shoulder, trying to comfort him.

“Were you and your dad close?”

Brian lifts his head. “Close? No. I hated the bastard,” he says in a hard voice. “I’m glad he’s dead.”

“You don’t mean that,” Nick protests.

“Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. And then he disowned me.”

Nick sits back and frowns. Whenever Brian spoke of his family in the past, he’d always implied that they were close and that it was he who had put some distance between them so that he could live the life he wanted to live. He’d never given the slightest hint that there was something more going on.

“Disowned you?”

“Yeah. And for exactly the reason you’re probably thinking of.”

“You came out to your family?”

“He caught me in the garage with the local bad boy. And you want to hear the real pisser? Tom is now a happily married used car salesman, a pillar of the community. I was just a means to an end when he was going through his rebel without a cause phase.” Brian stares into space, his eyes narrowed. “My old man beat me half to death and then he threw me out. And he warned me to stay the hell away from my brothers and mother.”

“Shit, Brian. I had no idea.”

“Why should you? It’s not something I go around telling people.”

“So why...?” Nick gestures vaguely, uncertain how to continue.

“I don’t know. You know how long it’s been since I last saw my brothers? Eleven years. I don’t know them anymore.” He suddenly gets up, rubbing his left upper arm the way he does when he’s nervous or restless. “You want a beer? I’ll get you a beer.”

He comes back with two bottles and hands one to Nick, then twists the cap on the other one and drinks deeply. “You know what I do know about’em? That they’ve turned into even bigger homophobes than my old man was. And that they don’t want me around, can barely stand to even look at me. So I guess the old fucker shared the story, even though he promised not to if I left quietly.”

He sits down again. “I used to love those little guys. They were a pain in my ass, and they got into my stuff and pestered me to death to take them places with me, but they were my little brothers. You know?”

“Yeah. Jesus, Brian. I’m sorry.”

“It’s a fucking pathetic story. I should’ve stood up to him. To all of them.”

“You were a kid.”

Brian shakes his head. “Fuck it. I’m done with all that shit.” He takes another deep swallow of his beer, then gives Nick a speculative look, his head cocked to the side. “Do I gain a pity fuck? I’m not above it, you know.”

“Jesus, Brian,” Nick breathes, and Brian laughs.

“Just thought I’d try.” He returns to sit on the couch. “I never asked. Who told you? Kate?”

“Yeah. I ran into her.”

Brian stares at his beer bottle meditatively. “I’m surprised you called,” he says in a low voice, not looking at Nick.

“Well… You know. I mean we’re friends, right?”

“Are we?”

“Yeah. Of course.” It’s not quite a lie, but it’s not really the truth either. The truth is that he doesn’t really understand how he feels about Brian. The truth is that if it wasn’t for his feelings for Grissom, he’d probably be trying to figure out ways to move in with Brian by now.

“So. Did you tell him?” Brian asks suddenly.

“Huh? Tell who what?”

“Tell the guy that you’re in love with that you’re in love with him.”

“Oh. Yeah. I told him. Sort of.”

“And?”

“And nothing.”

“What do you mean, ‘and nothing’? What did he say?”

Nick shakes his head.

“Come on, what did he say?”

Nick sighs. “That I report to him. That he isn’t into casual affairs.” He battles with the next bit, not sure if he wants to tell Brian, but it bursts out, almost on its own. “And I guess he sorta told me that he has feelings for me too.”

Brian raises his eyebrows. “So then why would it be casual?”

“Because I report to him.”

“What a load of horseshit. Either he’s even weirder than I thought, or he’s playing you.”

Despite himself, Nick is intrigued.

“What do you mean, playing me?”

“He’s lying.”

“Okay, I got that’s what you meant. How?”

“It’s okay to have an affair with a subordinate, but not a serious affair? That’s what he’s going to tell his boss if he gets caught? ‘Oh, don’t worry Sherriff, it was all just casual’? What a crock.”

“So what’s the truth?”

Brian shrugs. “How should I know? Maybe he’s not gay?”

“No, I don’t think that’s it.” He regrets it the moment the moment the words come out of his mouth.

“Really? And you think this because…”

Nick is unable to keep a straight face.

“So by ‘and nothing’ you actually mean that you, at the very least, sucked face for a while.”

“Sucked face? Where the hell is that from? High school?”

“Maybe even fucked,” Brian continues unfazed.

“I think I’m going to go home now. You’re obviously feeling better.”

“And he sorta told you he has feelings for you. Talk about high school.”

“I’m going. Bye.”

“You wanna know what I think?”

“Not particularly.”

“I think he’s scared.”

“What?”

Brian nods. “Shitless.”

“Why would he be scared?”

“Same reasons you are.”

Nick gapes at him trying and failing to come up with a smart answer. Because Brian is right. He’s terrified.

“I’m not just a pretty face, you know,” Brian smiles crookedly.

“No. You’re insane, as well.”

“You know what I realized, Nick? Life’s too short. If something’s important to you, don’t let others tell you how it should or shouldn’t be. You’re right; I probably don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.” He pauses and leans forward for emphasis. “But what if you’re wrong and I do?” He leans back again and crosses his arms. “And why the hell I’m pushing you into Grissom’s arms when I just want to fuck you myself I’ll never know.”

He shouldn’t ask this. He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. “What if the sex isn’t that great?”

Brian stares at him open-mouthed and then a slow smile starts spreading across his face. “The mighty Grissom isn’t good in bed?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Nick says hotly.

“Ah, how do I say this? Maybe he likes a more active partner.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Nick, the truth is you kinda just lie there, waiting for things to happen to you. Like you think you shouldn’t really enjoy getting rimmed or sucking dick. I don’t mind, in fact I sort of like the challenge.”

This is starting to piss him off. “I’m not that bad.”

Brian smiles. “No. But it all depends on the beholder, if you see what I mean. If you’re uptight with me, I don’t really care, because I don’t ‘sorta have feelings’ for you. Maybe he takes it more personally and it throws him off his game. Plus, he doesn’t know you well enough yet to know that it takes a while to get you going.”

“This is ridiculous,” Nick mutters, nervously patting his pockets looking for his car key. “I’ve gotta go.” He heads for the door, then stops short. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I told you, I’m fine.”

“Call me if you need anything. I mean it.”

Brian looks at him from across the room. “Okay. I will. Thanks.”

Nick nods and steps out into the sunlight.

 

Back to normal? Not if Brian has any of it at least half right. Which, now that Nick is gaining a little more distance from last night, he believes Brian might. So, not back to normal. Not by a long shot.