Title: To Have and Have Not
Author: podga
Pairing: Gil Grissom/Nick Stokes
Warning: PG
Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me and I don't make money off of them.
Summary: Nick goes to the movies and then tries to go for a beer.

Part 1: To Have...

Nick doesn't enjoy weekends. He anticipates them, sometimes eagerly, promising himself that the next one will be different. But it never is. He runs his errands, spends a little more time than usual at the gym, maybe gets in a little paragliding. He calls his family and watches a lot of television.

He spends a lot of the weekend alone. Most of his friends are paired up and although he's invited places, he doesn't always feel like playing third wheel. He rarely hangs out with people from work, because most of them try to forget about work on their days off and he's the same way.

He goes on an occasional date. Not all his friends know he's gay, so sometimes they set him up with a woman, but Nick doesn't mind. He's just looking for company, a way to spend a few hours, and it never works out anyway. Most of his dates don't really know what a CSI does and he doesn't feel like explaining it. He doesn't know if it's the little they understand of what he sees every day or something else they sense in him, but they're never interested in taking things further. Sometimes he'll go home with a guy, but even if the sex is good, he knows they're both relieved when it's all over.

In the end, pretty much all he has to show for his weekends is a neater home and a screwed-up sleep schedule.

Sunday afternoon he's idly perusing the movie listings, when he sees that "To Have and Have Not" is playing near his home, part of a Humphrey Bogart retrospective. One of his sisters turned him onto Bogart films a long time ago and he suddenly decides to go. The movie starts in less than an hour, but there's still plenty of time for him to get there.

There aren't very many people at the movie. He joins the end of a small line at the outside ticket window.

"Hello Nick" he hears behind him. He recognizes the voice, of course he does, but he still doesn't really believe it until he turns around and looks. Grissom is standing behind him. He's dressed the way he often dresses at work, in dark, slightly baggy shirt and trousers, and his hands are in his pockets.

"Uh, hello Grissom" he stutters slightly in return. He bares his teeth at Grissom in an attempt to smile. He wishes he wasn't wearing a ratty T-shirt and that he'd taken the trouble to shave.

An awkward silence ensues. At least Nick thinks it's awkward. He really doesn't know what Grissom thinks, he's just standing there doing that inscrutable thing he always does.

"The line's moving" Grissom finally says and Nick realizes he's just been standing there, staring. He flushes slightly and turns back towards the front. There's a big gap between him and the young couple in front of him, who are now at the ticket window. He moves forward, aware of Grissom coming up from behind him to stand next to him.

"So, you like Bogart?" Nick asks.

"I enjoy the genre of films ‘To Have and Have Not' represents" Grissom replies.

Nick is stumped for a response to that comment, he's not really sure what the genre of film is (perhaps the one where older actor meets young attractive actress and they fall in love?) Thankfully the couple ahead are just moving away from the window, so he steps up to it. He pays for his ticket, takes it and then stands to the side. He's not sure if he should wait for Grissom.

Stop overthinking this, he yells at himself. Grissom's alone, he's alone, they know each other. It's natural for them to sit together, right? Right. So he waits and they enter the cool lobby together.

"Popcorn?" Grissom asks.

"Sure" Nick answers and they move towards the concession counter.

"Anything to drink?"

"A Coke"

Grissom nods and places the order for popcorn and 2 Cokes. Nick reaches into his pocket for his wallet, but Grissom waves him off.

"I've got it" he says.

Nick is nonplussed when he sees one large tub of popcorn placed on the counter in front of them rather than the two smaller ones he expected. Grissom rather fussily pushes a straw through the lid of each of the two drinks and then motions to Nick to pick up his own Coke, while he takes the 2nd drink and the popcorn. Nicks starts to feel like he's on a date nobody's told him about.

When they get to their seats, Nicks sits first, then reaches for the tub of popcorn so that Grissom can get a hand free in order to flip his own seat down. They set their drinks on the floor. Afterwards Grissom doesn't take the tub back. Instead he just reaches over, takes a handful of popcorn and starts eating it.

Nick isn't sure what to do with the damn tub, whether to prop it on the armrest, which is too high and would make it uncomfortable to reach into, or to hold it his lap, which for some reason he really doesn't want to do. He compromises by holding it slightly aloft, the top tipped towards Grissom.

Grissom takes another handful of popcorn and munches it, looking at Nick quizzically.

"You don't look too comfortable. Do you want me to hold that?"

"Ah, no, it's fine" Nick says. He relaxes his arm and lets the tub settle in his lap. He hasn't been this jittery sitting next to a guy in a movie since Patrick Morton, his junior year in college. And that really had been a date.

Nick doesn't watch the movie.

For the first part, he's busy choreographing his hand's approach to the popcorn, so that he doesn't reach into the tub at the same time as Grissom. It's not easy, because Grissom is going at it like he's starved, but he's mostly successful. A couple of times their fingers do brush together and it's all Nick can do not to grab Grissom's hand and hold onto it.

The empty tub finally safely on the floor between their feet, he spends a lot of time trying to catch glimpses of Grissom's face in the flickering light cast by the black and white film. It's not easy, since not only is Grissom right next to him, but he's also slouched down in his seat, his fist supporting his head and half-hiding his face, one knee propped against the seat in front of him. Nick mostly tries to look when it might be natural to share a reaction with a friend to a twist in the plot or a joke. Still, he's aware he's probably doing it too often.

Finally, Nick resolves to ignore the fact that Grissom is sitting next to him. This turns out to be impossible, because Grissom picks almost the exact same minute to stretch his arm out on the armrest between them. He leaves it there for the rest of the movie, his hand dangling loosely right next to Nick's knee. At one point Nick becomes aware that he's jiggling his knee and he stops.

He has to get a grip Nick tells himself sternly as the closing credits roll. Grissom is his boss. Even if he's not straight (and Nick has heard some rumors to that effect), he's never shown any evidence of being attracted to Nick. There was that one time a few weeks back and in retrospect, Nick isn't even sure if it wasn't wishful thinking on his part, but since then nothing. Zip. Nada. In fact, this is probably the longest they've spent together since then.

Act normal, Nick repeats to himself. Act normal, act normal, act normal...

As the lights go on and people start getting up, he turns to Grissom with a smile:

"I enjoyed that!" He is aware of speaking too loudly, too brightly, but he can't help himself. "How about you?"

Grissom looks a bit disconcerted at Nick's enthusiasm. Then he smiles slowly.

"I enjoyed that as well" he responds, and Nick gets the impression he's being teased. Oddly, instead of feeling even more uncomfortable, he relaxes, the tension that's been simmering inside him for the last two hours draining away. He rubs the back of his neck in an embarrassed manner and grins slightly at Grissom, who smiles back.

Then Grissom stands up and moves towards the aisle. Behind him, Nick picks up the empty popcorn tub and dumps it in the trash can on the way out of the theater.

Part 2: ...and Have Not

When they step out of the movie theater, Nick is surprised that it's still light. He feels like he's spent hours inside. He looks at Grissom, who's walking beside him towards the parking lot, and he starts feeling awkward once again. He doesn't want this to end.

"Grissom, want to go grab a beer?" He strives for a casual voice, like it's just a guy thing, and tries not to look too interested in what the answer will be.

Grissom slows to a stop, frowning at the sidewalk in front of him. Nick stops beside him and turns slightly to face him.

Grissom finally looks at him. "I don't think so, Nick" he says slowly.

"OK" Nick tries to smile. He wishes he hadn't actually asked, wishes he'd just said goodbye. Then he could have simply wondered what Grissom's response might have been, even imagined what might have happened next, if Grissom had said yes. But it's probably better that he knows. Not that he didn't know before, but apparently he's forgetful where Grissom is concerned, needs reminding every so often. "Well, then. I'll see you tomorrow at shift. Bye, Griss"

Grissom doesn't respond and Nick starts to turn away. Then he feels Grissom's hand on his arm, pulling him around again.

Grissom looks like he's going to say something, but for a few seconds he just stares hard at Nick, his hand tight on Nick's elbow. Nick becomes very still, staring back, holding his breath, waiting.

"Nick, are you sure you want to start something?" Grissom finally asks.

"I ... I don't..." Nick starts to respond instinctively, but Grissom squeezes his elbow harder, silencing him.

"Are you sure?" he repeats.

Nick shakes his head slowly. Grissom lets go of Nick and smiles tightly.

"Then I think it's best if, going forward, we keep our contacts strictly professional, don't you?"

Nick shakes his head again. Suddenly he knows he can't let Grissom make this decision for them, for him.

"No, Gil. No, I don't. Because I think maybe you're not sure you don't want to start something." The words come tumbling out of nowhere, but once he says them, Nick feels they're right.

Grissom is totally still, unblinking, giving nothing away.

"Are you?" Nick whispers.

Grissom looks away, but this time it's Nick who reaches for Grissom's elbow, mirroring the previous gesture. "Are you?" he repeats softly, feeling more confident. Suddenly he feels like he has the upper hand, like he can lead this conversation to the conclusion he wants.

Grissom finally looks at his again, his blue eyes dark with emotions that Nick can't even begin to guess at.

"I'm 50", Grissom starts and Nick frowns and shakes his head impatiently at the apparent non-sequitur.

"I'm 50" Grissom repeats firmly. "Look at us, Nick. Look at you. At me. How many chances do you think I'm going to get at what you're offering?" His voice is quiet, but intense. "You think I'm not sure if I want to pass that up, if I want to keep remembering our differences, the fact that you report to me? You're damn right, I'm not! But Nick, I also know why I would want to start something. I know what I see in you."

Grissom pauses for a second, then continues, but the intensity is no longer there, the voice is flatter. "So, here's the question, Nick: what do you see in me that you think you might want to start something? What do you see in a ‘high-functioning autistic man with superior right-brain ability'? I doubt it's my looks."

Nick gapes at Grissom, wondering what he's talking about. Then he remembers his joke, an off-the-cuff remark, made so long ago that he cannot even remember the exact circumstances. Grissom can't possibly think Nick really views him like that, can he? Nick wants to say so many things at once, that he doesn't know where to begin, that he cannot say anything at all. And then he knows he's taken too long to respond, because Grissom removes his elbow from Nick's grip.

"I thought so" Grissom says, in a bitter tone that Nick has rarely heard from him. He turns away and walks towards his car. He doesn't seem hurried, but Nick knows he's not going to turn around and look back either. And since Nick cannot think of a single thing to say that Gil might believe, he just stands there and watches him climb into the truck and pull away, his throat tight.

Nick likes to think he's a practical guy. He doesn't cry over split milk and he doesn't dwell on things he can do nothing about. This isn't hopeless, he says to himself firmly. Gil is interested, he almost told Nick that. Hell, he did tell him. It's just that he doesn't understand what Nick wants. So Nick just needs to think of the right thing to say to Gil, in order to convince him. It can't be that hard to figure out the right words.

But all through the rest of the weekend and until he returns to work, his sleep schedule screwed up beyond any hope of recovery, Nick hasn't really thought of anything. Because he cannot come up with a single rational argument for why he wants Grissom, why he wants to be with Grissom. It's all emotion and desire and feeling and when he tries to express it in words it sounds trite, even false. Nick starts to believe that maybe only poets can put meaningful words to emotions. And Nick might be a lot of things, but he's no poet.