Title: Prejudice and Love
Author: podga
Pairing: Gil Grissom/Nick Stokes
Rating: R
Warning: Spoiler for Season 5 "Ch-Ch-changes"
Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me and I don't make money off of them
Summary: Established relationship. Driving back from the Cockpit Lounge.

Despite my efforts to look calm, I almost run out of the Cockpit Lounge and fling myself thankfully into the truck. Gil follows at a more leisurely pace, his hands in his pockets, turning to take a last look at the bar, before climbing into the passenger seat.

"Back to the lab?" I ask.

Gil nods, then leans his head back against the headrest and looks out the side window. I pull out of the parking slot and into the street. I drag in a deep breath and exhale in relief as I turn a corner and the bar is no longer in the rearview mirror.

"Man!" I mutter under my breath, then wish I hadn't when, out of the corner of my eye, I see Gil turning his head to look at me.

"Something wrong, Nick?" Gil's voice sounds curious, even mildly concerned, but I'm pretty sure there's amusement there as well.

"Nothing," I say, thankful for the cool darkness of the cab as my face starts to burn. I flinch away when a cool fingertip traces my hot ear, then flicks my earlobe.

"You're sure?"

"Yes. And we're at work," I say shortly.

"Ah. Sorry." The hand is withdrawn.

I steal a glance and see Gil staring out the window again. How can he be so cool about everything? Nothing seems to faze him. The bartender, that Mercedes guy. Gal. Whatever.

We drive along in silence, and I continue to mull over Gil's behavior in the Cockpit. It was almost like Gil had been there before. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous the idea seems, but I still can't let it go.

"Weird scene."

Gil doesn't respond, but I can hear him shifting in his seat. Another quick glance confirms that Gil is now looking at me, one arm stretched along the window frame.

"I mean, I felt pretty uncomfortable. You seemed at home though."

Gil still says nothing, and I sense him turn away once again, like he's already lost interest in the conversation. Not that it's much of a conversation. More like me being an asshole.

"Thanks for helping out with that- um, with Mercedes," I say grudgingly, trying to make amends.

"You're welcome."

Only 4 more blocks to the lab, I think in relief, taking a right turn, then standing on the breaks as I realize that the entire avenue has turned into one big parking lot. I throw the truck into reverse, hoping to back out again, but the blaring horn behind me lets me know it's already too late.

"Not an emergency," Gil says and I pretend I was reaching for the a/c controls, fiddling with the temperature, turning it down a couple of degrees.

I stare in front of me, trying to will the traffic into motion, however slow. Nothing doing. I drum my fingers against the wheel and start to hum, a tune I'm making up as I go along.

"The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation," Gil says suddenly.

"Thoreau. Walden." I feel vaguely proud of myself for having recognized the quote.

Gil nods. "In the same chapter, Thoreau says: ‘It is never too late to give up our prejudices. What everybody echoes or in silence passes by as true today may turn out to be falsehood tomorrow.'"

This is why I love him. Not because he's actually read Thoreau, when most of us can only drag up a few quotes. Well, that too. But because after all these years I finally realize that, no matter what, Gil doesn't judge me. He expects a lot from me and he doesn't get it, but he doesn't walk away. He hangs in there, trying to show the world as he sees it, inviting me to share. It makes me feel strong and humble at the same time.

I wish I knew what to say. I want to protest that I'm not prejudiced, or at least no more prejudiced than Mercedes. I want to ask him to explain to me how someone as introverted, even distant, as he is, can easily relate to pretty much everybody, from little people to autistics to people who wear fur in order to make love, and yet not to his team. I want to tell him that I love him and that I can't imagine my life without him, but we're at work, and we set that rule long ago.

I edge the truck forward, trying to change lanes so that we can escape down the next cross-street.

"If this Benway is such a screw-up, why do they all keep on going to him? Even if he's not maiming or killing them on purpose."

Gil shakes his head. "There was nothing accidental about Wendy Garner."

"Yes, but we don't know that was him. That's not the question, though. Why do they keep on trusting him, when they see what he does to their friends?"

"I don't know," Gil says quietly.

We finally reach the crossing and I turn off the avenue. I keep on looking for an explanation that will make sense, one that doesn't involve the ‘quiet desperation' of these men and what they will do to escape it. I understand jealousy and fear and hate, I even accept them, because on the other side there's love and courage and pride. But quiet desperation? How do you deal with that? It scares and depresses me.

We reach the lab and I turn the engine off. For a moment we both sit there and I can hear ticks and groans as the truck parts start to settle.

"Nick, I have to ask you something," Gil says, then pauses, apparently waiting for my permission, so I nod encouragingly.

"Weren't you at all curious to see what Mercedes offered to show you?"

At first I feel indignant, then I realize he's joking. Only if he is, I can see none of the tell-tale signs. He just looks interested.

"Jesus, Gil. No!" I shove the door open and jump out of the truck.

Gil gets out as well and looks at me across the hood. The parking lot lighting is bright, but it distorts colors, making his hair look dark and his eyes black.

"I was," he says mildly and then turns to walk to the entrance of the lab.

I follow behind him, shaking my head. Why is it that more often than not, when Gil decides to share, I just wish he wouldn't? Suddenly he turns and grins at me and despite our rule, mouths "I love you" before pushing the door open and walking into the lab.

Nothing in the world changed in the last 3 seconds and I already knew Gil loves me, so it should take more than that to make me happy. But it doesn't. I'm happy.