Title: The Puzzle
Author: Dee
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 24872
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Characters: Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes and other members of the team
Warnings: AU, fluff, character bashing and character death!
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: In my dreams they are like, totally mine!
Beta: jayceepat and podga for their invaluable help in the Americanisation of the fic and their insightful comments, which I may well have ignored! I thank high_striker for his wonderful icon. I am indebted to them all. Any errors are mine.
A/N: Another medical fic and as usual my detailed knowledge is gained from Wikipedia and Google, which makes me outstanding in my chosen specialty (not), although I had a friend with this illness; naturally I have grossly exaggerated the symptoms in the name of fanfiction expediency…sounds good (I have no idea what it means)!

As Gil came out of the men’s bathroom he saw Nick standing by his locker staring down at the floor with an expression of great sadness.

“You okay?” He seemed to startle Nick who jumped at the sound of his voice.

“Oh yeah…good, thanks…thought you’d gone home.”

“No, I just needed to finish up an old case.”

“Right.”

Now Gil knew he wasn’t exactly the savviest of men when it came to judging emotions but even he could tell that normal up-beat Nick was subdued and seemed almost distressed. It was so out of character that the puzzle caught his attention. Not the fact that Nick might have a problem and need help and support. No, not at all. The puzzle was that Nick was usually quite straightforward to read and assess and now, in this moment, he wasn’t. That’s what caught Gil’s attention.

“I’m going for some breakfast - you want to come? I mean, I know I shouldn’t…trying to lose a few pounds here…” He patted his belly. “….but I’ve got chores to do and I’ll try anything to delay them.” Nick looked at him, strangely.

“I don’t think so…y’know I’m not gonna be good company, man.”

“Then my decision will have to be to eat alone as usual, or, get on with my chores and then eat alone.” In fact Gil had not for one moment meant to sound as if he was lonely and wanted company, this was his life, this is what he did out of work.

Nick looked at him, frowning slightly. “Well, I’d only go and eat on my own, so, if you’re up for it…?”

“Good…. Any preference?”

“Not a hotel; couldn’t bear the hustle and bustle.”

“I normally go to Pastiche, any good?”

“Yeah, good.”

“See you there then.” And off Gil went.

Nick stayed exactly where he was for a few minutes longer. Staring after the departed Grissom and wondering actually if that was how he’d become. Work, do chores, sleep, work and so ad infinitum. Was that his destiny, to become a ‘Grissom?’

He suddenly shook himself to try and regain some momentum. He closed his locker, picked up the gym bag he was taking home and followed in Grissom’s footsteps.

Twenty minutes later he was easing his truck into the parking lot opposite the diner. Gris’ truck already tucked into a corner.

“I ordered coffee, is that okay?” Gil asked as Nick slid into the booth and sat opposite him.

“Good.”

“I’m torn between the heart attack on a plate and a high fibre cereal and juice. I don’t think there’s really that much of a contest.”

“You could compromise – going for the grease, but cutting it with a citrus juice.”

“That, Nick, is a good suggestion.”

Nick’s mood had improved a little, it seemed to him that Grissom was being, or at least trying to be, lighthearted. It was unusual. Or, he thought it might be ‘usual’ but that he’d never seen any evidence of it before.

They ordered; Nick going with a plain omelette with grilled tomatoes and the aforementioned juice.

“You know I used to be buff…about a century ago.”

“You?”

“No need to sound so incredulous Nick, contrary to popular belief, I was young once.”

“I didn’t mean it like that man, I’m…”

“No problem Nick, just joking.”

“Right…so you weren’t buff then?”

“Oh yes, I was. I wasn’t joking about that. In my twenties I used to work out…not like you with well defined abs and all that, but I was in pretty good shape. My favourite thing was running - I liked that freedom.”

“I used to run a lot, y’know back in college when I needed speed for baseball and football and…other stuff.”

“What other stuff, those are the major two?”

“Hockey; I played hockey.”

“Ice?”

“No…not substantial enough for that, needed to be a battering ram with ‘attitude’ for that team.”

“Yeah, know what you mean.”

“You? Sports, I mean?”

“No team sports Nick, I was never the popular sports jock, I was the geek, ’freakin’ bug asshole’, I believe one jock described me.” He smiled at Nick’s horrified expression.

“I was; I really was. Even I cringe when I think back at what an arrogant asshole I was. Knew all the answers, I was the guy who set the curve every semester. I actually hung out with the guys a couple of years ahead of me…fellow geeks.”

Nick was leaning back against the booth looking at Gris with an interesting expression.

“What? What are you thinking, Nick?”

“Well…I’ve worked here for over three years and I’ve learned more about you in the last five minutes than in all that time.”

“I try to be enigmatic Nick – you know what the truth is really? There’s not much to tell, the only interesting conversations I have are about work, forensic entomology and…oh yeah, sports statistics.” Gil suddenly stopped and wondered why he was giving out all this information; hadn’t he wanted to know why Nick wasn’t his usual happy self and here he was suffering a dose of verbal diarrhoea. That was as out of character as Nick’s earlier mood.

“Yeah. I know what you mean.”

“You do? No, that can’t be possible; you’re an ex-college jock, a man with contacts, lots of friends…not the geek.” Gil’s positive assertion had become less confident as he spoke looking at Nick’s surprised and then saddened expression…the look from earlier, in the locker room.

“You can’t tell me that Nick Stokes is a stay-at-home, read journals and online articles about forensics, kinda guy.” Even as he spoke he knew that Nick was going to say that he was that man.

“That’s me Gris. Don’t get out and about y’know, not lately.”

“Why ever not? You used to, I’m sure.”

“Well, y’know things have a habit of happening to me, an’ it just seemed easier to avoid it altogether….”

It was Gil’s turn to look incredulous. It must be at least a year since the last of those things had happened and he’d never noticed this before. He was at a loss for words. While he was used to his own company and had been since…well, forever, he knew that Nick had gone out clubbing, bowling and he did some solitary things like paragliding but that was in a club, surely? Nick was a regular ‘man about town’…wasn’t he?

“Do you go out at all?”

“Well, I go to the gym and I go paragliding up past Lake Mead.”

“Yes and you’ve got friends at the gym and the club where you paraglide.”

“No. I workout on my own - don’t need a trainer I’ve done it for so long - and I’m not in a club, I just go out solo y’know.”

“Jesus, Nicky, that’s dangerous…do you tell anyone you’re out, what if you had an accident?”

Nick laughed the bitterest of laughs Gil could remember hearing. “Who’d I tell Gris, who’d miss me?”

The waiter took exactly that moment to deliver their breakfasts and fussed around getting silverware and sauces.

Both men looked at their food but neither man had an appetite anymore.

“Nick…I had no idea you felt like this; I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s no reason for you to know Gris…it’s not a problem…it’s just the way it is, y’know?”

“I beg to differ. I’ve never been a man who ever went out and about with friends, but you did, this is a change for you.”

“Look Gris, eat your breakfast – it was just a bad night, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Both men looked down at their breakfasts and neither man could face eating. Nick went so far as to pick up his fork, but all he did was push his food around. He didn’t take one bite.

Gil was at a complete loss. He’d chatted about his life to Nick like he hadn’t chatted for years and yet he’d completely missed the point. The puzzle that brought him here was Nick and now the puzzle was even more confusing. He eventually picked up his fork and managed a few mouthfuls and Nick followed suit….it was a good breakfast, hot and tasty but it could have been sawdust for all they knew.

The silence while they ate continued after both men had pushed their plates aside and had coffee refills.

“It’s just a phase, man.” Nick broke the uneasy silence.

“Why’s that?”

“Well, y’know…work’s been tough recently…on all of us I mean. I need a good sleep and maybe a few vacation days…whatever.”

“You’re right about work. I think we all live with inadequate sleep…I sometimes wonder how Catherine manages with a child. But the rest of us are single and from what I’ve seen fairly insulated and work focussed, but you Nick, you seemed…I don’t know… more well adjusted.”

Nick looked across at Grissom. He was fairly sure that was the longest speech he’d heard him make that wasn’t exactly work related.

“I’m just extra tired, is all.”

“But, you shouldn’t be…there’s some other factor I’m missing here isn’t there?”

“Jesus Grissom, I’m not a case or a fucking bug needing to be analysed. Okay? Look here’s twenty; I’m outta here.” He stood up as he spoke and retrieved the money from his pants pocket in a few seconds while Gil processed what he’d just heard.

This was entirely out of character and the puzzle just grew to monumental proportions.

“Nick, no, please stop, I didn’t mean to insult you, I really didn’t. But isn’t this exactly what I’m saying. This is not you…when did you ever take offence at something so innocuous?”

“Perhaps it’s about time I DID…it’s been Nick’ll do this and Nick’ll do that and I’ve always been the nice guy and maybe, just maybe the ‘nice guy’ was the wrong Nick and this is the real me…fed up with the shit, fed up with being put upon, playing second fiddle to Sara and Warrick and what about the lab rats…even they follow the lead and treat me like the poor relative...yeah, well Nick ‘fuckin’ nice’ Stokes just left the building.” Nick had still been standing and suddenly slumped down back into the booth to face the incredulous face of Gil Grissom.

“I’m…I’m sorry…don’t know…where that came from.”

“Me neither…not the Nick I know, but I bet you feel better for getting that out in the open.”

Gil couldn’t think of anything more to say at that moment. He’d been shocked by the tirade, not only by the words but with the venom of the delivery. There were quite a few people at the Crime Lab who would be capable of saying that and more but he’d never for a second thought that Nick was one of them.

“Nick, I don’t know what more to say, I really don’t. Hey, where’s Catherine when you need her?” He desperately tried to lighten the atmosphere.

It hadn’t. “Looking after Lindsay. You’re the supervisor Grissom, this is your territory.”

“Yes. Yes it is, I’m sorry.” Gil was stuck, completely and utterly. He’d never dealt with this sort of thing…he always ignored any undercurrents in the hope of them going away. In fact that was a lie. He never noticed any undercurrents unless Catherine told him about them and then he ignored them until they went away.

“Leave it Grissom. You and I both know you’re not equipped to deal with this shit. That’s what Catherine’s for, as you said. I’m off. See you tonight.” And with that insult, he stood and left the diner.

If he’d looked back he’d have seen a sight seldom, if ever, seen in Las Vegas. Dr Gil Grissom sitting with his mouth open, jaw slack and a look of absolute astonishment on his normally contained features.

In truth, Gil didn’t know whether to be really angry at the insubordination or worried at the fact that the normally docile and compliant Nick Stokes had behaved in a manner more appropriate to Sara Sidle, and then some.

But one thing he was absolutely sure of, he’d been right earlier, this was a puzzle.

Both men spent more than a few hours thinking about the exchange at the diner. Both men were still tired when they showed up for work that night.

And then that morning’s scenario was re-enacted. Gil came out of the men’s bathroom into the locker room to find Nick standing at his locker. They looked at one another and both spoke at the same time.

“Gris, I’m sorry…..”

“Nick, I need to see….. You first.”

“I’m sorry, my behaviour this morning was disgusting…I can hardly believe it.”

“Yeah…I was surprised Nick, to say the least. After assignments come to my office - we need to talk.”

“Oh God, Gris…I’ve said I’m sorry do we need to do this?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I think we do.” Gil walked away; he wasn’t going into get into a fight here in the open.

Some forty minutes later Nick walked into Gil’s office.

Gil had assigned Nick to the lab to do some case clearance, not just for his own work but others too. It hadn’t gone unnoticed; Sara’s hackles had risen even as Gil was explaining what he wanted Nick to do that shift.

As soon as assignments had been handed out Gil had left the briefing room and had been followed back to his office by Sara.

“I think I should do that analysis on the clothes. It was my case after all and I know all the….”

“…I want you to do the DB at the Golden Nugget. I want Nick to do the lab work.

“But Grissom it makes no sense. I know so much more…”

“I beg your pardon; are you calling into question your colleague’s work and your supervisor’s instructions?”

“No; it’s just that it was my case and I could be of more help to you…”

“You would be of more help to me if you collected your kit and made your way to the crime scene as ‘instructed’. Is that clear?”

“Errrr…mmmm…yeah…okay.” Even Sara caught the vibes Gil was emitting; though she was very confused, he had never spoken to her like that before, didn’t he…like… her…she thought he really liked her. With a bewildered look she left his office, a dejected and forlorn figure.

She didn’t even notice the equally dejected and forlorn figure of Nick pass her on his way to Grissom’s office.

“Close the door Nick, please.” Gil said this as Nick walked through the door, so Nick turned and closed it. Nick knew that the action would cause immediate speculation in the lab since the door was always open when Grissom was in residence.

“Pull up the chair.” Gil hadn’t scripted this meeting but he’d given a little thought to it. He’d thought he’d leave his seat and sit beside Nick but then changed his mind when he thought that would be too intrusive for Nick and too close for comfort for him.

Nick’s initially dejected look had now morphed into a belligerent demeanour. The whole episode and even his behaviour now had Gil searching for some sort of reference. There was none that he could think of, or remember. This young man was not the Nick Stokes that he’d grown so fond of over the years he’d been at the lab.

“Now I’m not going to admonish you or anything about this morning Nick, for the simple reason that I think that your behaviour was totally out of character. I really do believe from what you said this morning that there is something very wrong, in your life Nick, or with your life.

“Now you’re right when you say I don’t deal with this sort of thing, I don’t, but that’s not to say that I can’t and I will. I will have you sit here until you can at least give me some idea of what’s wrong. If you can’t speak I swear I’ll ask you every question I can think of to try and get to the bottom of this. You believe I’d do that don’t you?”

Nick nodded and briefly held eye contact with Gil. Gil could see the anguish within the man.

“Will you tell me when this started?”

“Long time now.” Nick was looking down and whispering – Gil could barely hear him.

“How did it start?”

Nick shrugged.

“You gotta help me here Nick. Look I do want to help but you’ve got to give something up, okay?”

“Yeah. I know.”

There was more silence and Gil decided to sit it out a bit and see what happened. It worked after about four or five minutes.

“Don’t know when it really did start –just sort of snuck up, y’know.”

“What ‘snuck up’, Nick?”

More silence and then, “I just felt as if it didn’t matter what I did…it would turn to shit. It was work at first and then out of work. Nothing was right, no one took any notice of me, it was like I’d become invisible.”

“Did anything trigger this Nick - can you think of an incident; a scene; a victim maybe?”

“Don’t know man, I really don’t, but I started getting angry at everyone. And everything.”

Gil sat and listened as Nick spoke. It had only been a couple of minutes of Nick speaking but this was ringing bells, but he couldn’t quite grasp what bell it was actually ringing.

“Have you spoken to anyone about this?”

“You. Now.”

“Oh Nick, you must know that something is wrong…you’re not ‘you’ at the moment. I’ve never seen you behave like you did this morning.”

He addressed Nick quietly as he realised what he thought Nick had been talking about. “What you’re describing about yourself sounds very much like depression. Clinical depression. I’m not a doctor but I’ve read enough about it….”

“Don’t be ridiculous I’m not depressed, I’m pissed off at you, the lab, everyone….”

“Why?”

“I…I don’t know….”

“I can’t answer questions about this any more than you can Nick…but I am your supervisor and I can do something. I’m going to refer you to Philip Kane, see what he thinks.”

“NO! I’m not losing it, you can’t….”

“Listen to yourself. This is nothing like you; you know it and I know it and I will order you to go to Philip if I have to but just think about it for a few minutes. Look, I’m going to get us a couple of coffees. Just sit here and think about it, will you?”

He got no response but left to go to the break room and brought back two mugs of coffee a few minutes later. Nick didn’t look as if he’d moved. Gil put the coffees on his desk, sat down in his chair again and then looked at Nick.

Nick was crying.

Gil felt a jolt pass through him and to his eternal regret his first thoughts were for himself and not the desperate young man sitting on front of him. ‘Oh God, what have I done to deserve this…what am I going to do…how could he do this to me….’ It took him a few moments of wallowing in his own self pity to realise what a complete bastard he was being.

He stood up and reached down into one of his drawers where he kept a box of tissues. He pulled a wad out and walked around his desk to Nick. He didn’t stand too close; he didn’t want to invade Nick’s personal space anymore than he was willing to have his own space violated. ‘What a selfish bastard you are,’ he thought about himself.

He didn’t speak. He just shoved the tissues, unceremoniously, under Nick’s nose. Nick didn’t take them for a few moments and then a shaking hand grasped them. He just held them in the hand – he made no attempt to wipe his face. He was making no sound at all but his body was shaking a little, his hand was gripping the tissues in a death grip but still shook.

“‘M sorry…I don’t know…what’s…wrong with me….” He managed to splutter this out before his face contorted in a futile attempt to stop himself from crying some more. This time he was making choking sounds as he fought a valiant fight to control himself - he lost.

He bent over in the chair and pushed the tissues and his hands into his face but the silent tears had turned into a torrent he couldn’t stop. His harsh sobs filled Gil’s ears and his office and Nick’s back heaved up and down with his gasped breaths.

“Nicky…….” Gil was very hesitant but eventually put his hand on Nick’s shoulder. To his surprise Nick leaned towards him and he knew that Nick wanted some comfort. ‘Shit.’ He thought; about himself again.

Gil used his foot to pull the chair he was originally going to sit in, nearer to him and Nick. When it was close enough that he could reach with his hand he pulled it up beside Nick and sat down. He hadn’t lost his contact with Nick’s shoulder.

“Nicky…it’s okay, come on, we can work through this, I’ll help you.” He said this quietly bending to match Nick’s posture. How in hell’s name he would help he had no idea.

“What’s wrong with me?” Nick’s voice sounded thick but he seemed to have stopped the sobs; his body jerking a little as he tried to compose himself.

“I have no idea, but there is something wrong that’s for sure. First thing is to get you checked out. We can go from there.”

“Send me to Dr Kane?”

“I’m going to do that, yes. But I think perhaps you should get a physical from your own doctor as well. Cover all bases. What do you think?

“Yeah…okay…something’s wrong isn’t it?” He was recovering now and said this with a wry little smile on his tearstained and inflamed face.

“I think so…but it’s out in the open now. We know what we have to do.”

“Yeah. You’ll come with me?”

When the fuck did I say that? ‘We’, that’s what he’d said and Nick had taken it absolutely literally.

“Of course I will, as long as you need me to be there.” Gil’s mind was racing; what the fuck am I doing?

“Thanks Gris…I’m sorry man.”

“No need to be. Now come on, you seem a lot better, you want to go home?”

“No…be okay in a while…I’ll go get a shower, that’ll help.”

“It will. Look, I’ll call Philip in the morning and arrange a consult, so stick around ’til eight at least and see what I can do and then I want you to get an appointment with your doctor. Sound like a plan?”

“Does…yeah.”

“Right.” It was only then that Gil noticed that his hand was still resting on Nick’s shoulder. Whatever; it had worked, he seemed a lot better, grounded, and they had a plan. ‘They’. He lifted his hand away and patted Nick a couple of times before withdrawing it altogether. Nick sat back and after a few deep breaths, he scrubbed his face with his hands, got up and without another word left the office.

Gil sat there a while longer and wondered what he had let himself in for; he wasn’t qualified to lend this type of support, either professionally or privately. He wasn’t equipped for emotional turmoil. But Nick could certainly ‘manipulate’ him that was for sure. Manipulate? Was that called for?

He’d invited Nick out this very morning and he’d asked what was wrong and he’d then babbled on about his own life and he’d caused Nick to lose his temper with his questioning. That was hardly Nick being manipulative. He’d done all the chasing and had even ordered him to this office after he’d apologised. He could have accepted the apology and left well alone.

“No, I couldn’t.” Gil said this aloud to himself. Even he realised that there was something very wrong with everybody’s boy next door – Nick Stokes. Well the ball had been set in motion and he’d have to follow through.

They’d had a DB at six the following morning so it was nearly ten when they were both in his office again.

Gil used his office ‘phone to get Philip Kane’s secretary. An appointment was made for nine the following Tuesday and Nick would need to bring his supervisor’s referral with him to cover the insurance. Today was Thursday.

“Come on Nick, you’re next – get your doctor on the line.”

“Aw man. You know this all seems ridiculous in the light of day.” Nick was whining like a school kid and Gil’s eyebrows indicated he was not amused. They had agreed on this course of action. He held up the phone for Nick.

“Hold on man, I gotta find the number.” He got his wallet out and after a few moments pulled out a rumpled business card. He took the phone and called out the number for Gil to dial.

“Oh…hi. Mornin’. Yeah….could I get in to see Dr Joyson anytime soon?” He waited a few minutes and then spoke again. “Well, I could yeah…okay….thanks.” He returned the handset to Gil and said, “They’ve got a last minute cancellation, he can see me at ten thirty…if I leave straightaway……?”

“What’re you waiting for?”

“Errr, are you coming?”

“Oh…yes. Come on, I’ll drive and then we can grab some breakfast, then you can come back and collect your truck?”

“Yeah…sounds good.”

On their way to the doctor’s office, they sat in silence; until they were nearly there and that’s when Nick suddenly started talking.

“Don’t like the doctor, man.”

“Your doctor…Dr Joy…?”

“Joyson. No, he’s okay, it’s doctors in general, especially my own doctor…I was a sickly kid y’know and always at the doctor with Maria.”

“Maria?”

“Oh, the housekeeper-come-do everything else….general fact….something…”

“Factotum.”

“Yeah…like the opera. When we got older we used to joke that the only thing she didn’t do was sleep with Daddy...well we hoped she didn’t!” Nick laughed; he seemed in good spirits after his breakdown the night before.

“Didn’t figure you as sickly, Nick.”

“I was. I was a premmie baby…under three pounds, touch and go, man, for a few weeks.”

“Really? You surprise me…you look fit now….” Gil trailed off given the irony of that statement. “Well, you know what I mean.”

“Yeah….I suddenly stopped being sick when I was twelve…puberty…and ain’t ever looked back. Rarely been to the doctor’s except when I’ve had, y’know, an accident or something…..” He trailed off and they both remembered Nigel Crane and Nick’s lucky escape.

“This it?” Gil said as they pulled in at the medical centre at ten twenty-five.

“Thanks Gris…I appreciate this…y’know eating into your own time an all.”

“You’re welcome. You can call me Maria!”

“Yeah…suits you!”

Gil did think that for a grown man, Nick was very jittery about an ordinary visit to the doctor. It didn’t seem quite right, even given his childhood history.

Nick booked in and at ten-forty his name was called. He stood up and looked at Gil…who motioned with his hand at his own chest. ‘Me?’ Nick nodded, he wanted Gil Grissom with him.

Gil got up and followed Nick along a corridor towards the doctor’s office

Gil’s thoughts were racing through his mind. This was surreal…he was accompanying one of his staff, a thirty one or two year old man into his doctor’s office?

Nick paused by the door and before he knocked Gil asked, “Are you sure about this…me?”

“Oh yes. Definitely.”

Well Nick seemed very clear about that. So Gil followed him in after they’d heard the doctor call, ‘Come on in.’

If Gil was perplexed the doctor seemed more so. Nick introduced Gil and said he wanted him there while they spoke. The doctor gave them both a quizzical look.

“Is he your partner?” The doctor asked.

“No, we don’t work in set pairs, he’s my supervisor.” Nick replied, completely oblivious to the doctor’s inference.

“Nick asked me to accompany him because he’s been…not himself…out of sorts…at work.”

“Look, I’d like him to be here.”

“That’s fine Nick…just checking to see if you’re here under duress that’s all.”

“Right. I’m not. I’d rather not be here at all but…well I’m here now so….”

“How can I help?”

Nick launched into his story. Gil was pleased because while Nick plainly didn’t want to do this, he wasn’t wasting the opportunity and poured out all his feelings and how he’d been getting worse and he knew it wasn’t him but it was like he couldn’t stop. He finished up with his breakdown the night before and with his appointment with Philip Kane the next week.

The doctor, sitting back in his chair, had listened carefully to the whole story. When Nick finished he sat forward and looked at Nick’s notes.

“There’s no history of depression in your notes and you say you’ve never felt this way before?”

“No.”

“The symptoms you describe are all attributable to depression like…erm…your supervisor has said. Since you’ve got that covered I wouldn’t presume to prescribe when you’re due to see a doctor more qualified than I am in that field. But Nick, there are physical illnesses…conditions that could also cause the same symptoms you‘ve just described to me. Lets run a parallel exercise with the psychologist and do some other tests…what do you say?

“Well…okay…what do you think it could be….?”

“Any number of things, Nick…some more serious than others but don’t jump the gun here…let’s get the tests ordered and done and see what they tell us.”

“Okay.”

“Have you any other symptoms you can think of? You look pale but fit…do you work out?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you sleep?”

“Good…I mean I never have enough but I never have trouble sleeping; only waking up.”

“What about eating, drinking? Alcohol?”

“Eat okay, sometimes irregularly…you know…have to take care of work and that’s not regular…but I’m fairly good, watch what I eat…don’t drink much…a few beers now and then, no hard liquor.”

“And the other end? Urinating, defecating, stomach upsets?”

“No problems…except…well I’m constipated a lot…most of the time, you know…I try to eat more fruit and fibre and drink water as much as I can…but I buy those herbal remedy capsule things…and they work…okay…most of the time anyway.”

“Never thought to see me about it then?”

“Errr…no.”

“How long this been going on?”

“Errr…years, I guess…as long as I’ve been in Vegas and back in Dallas…I just deal y’know?”

“Mmm…any blood, haemorrhoids?”

“No…not that I’m aware of…”

“Do you have bouts of diarrhoea at all?”

“No…well only if I haven’t…been and I might take extra capsules and then….” He trailed off and for the first time he started to redden up under the doctor’s disapproving look.

Gil thought it was strange that Nick had reeled off all of this and hadn’t been in the least embarrassed about what he’d said in front of him; he guessed they’d seen about everything and discussed about everything that any embarrassment had long been used up. But the disapproval of the doctor had caused him to blush.

“I’m going to get blood and urine samples while you’re here, now. I also want a stool sample…I suppose I’ll have to wait for that.” The doctor grinned.

“Probably.” Nick was laughing, his embarrassment gone. Gil managed a grin and shook his head.

“What I want you to do is come back for the results…can you do that because I see here that you never came back for a check up the last time…you’d been thrown out of window…..” The doctor was reading his notes and looked up at Nick. “You got a concussion.”

“I was okay Doc, we’ve got a doctor at work and if I’d not been right he’d’ve had me…”

“Nick, Al’s a pathologist not a family doctor.” Gil had to get his disapproving finger in this pie.

“Really; waiting to die to see if you needed any further treatment?”

“Oh come on, I was okay, stop ganging up on me.”

“I think I can rely on your supervisor then to ensure you come back for the results. Here take this slip out to the nurse and she’ll set up your tests and I’ll see you on Wednesday morning, no excuse.”

“Right.” That was Gil, he’d ensure that Nick was there and Nick knew it.

“I’ll be here, no choice in the matter.”

The nurse took his blood in four different vials and then Nick did the business in a cup for the urine sample. The nurse gave him the stool collection kit and explained what he had to do. He wasn’t too fazed, but neither was he relishing that particular challenge.

Back in Gil’s truck they decided on a diner before retrieving Nick’s truck and heading to their respective beds.

“Fancy Pastiche again after yesterday’s abortive attempt to eat? We’ve got to drive past it.” Gil asked.

“Good, yeah…whatever, they do a good breakfast…or brunch.” The drove on in silence for a few more minutes before Nick startled Gil with a question.

“What d’you think it could be, Gris, it seemed like he had something in mind?”

“In truth; I have no idea…but I’m sure about one thing…you’ll be back next Wednesday at ten sharp.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be there.” There was a further silence and then, “You’ll come with me, won’t you?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“It is. And Dr Kane’s on Tuesday.”

“Are you really sure about that Nick – it could get real personal?”

“I’m sure. Look, if you’re not up to it….”

“I’m okay…I really am, but it’s your life and I’m sure it’ll get…I don’t know…hairy?”

“Here’s the deal; come with me and let me get the feel of it and then you can go, that better?”

“I’ll do whatever you want me to do, it that clear?”

“Thanks man.”

“No thanks necessary….this has been going on for some time and I didn’t notice, did I?”

“No one did, not even Catherine and you know she’s a real mother hen.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Y’know though Gris, I didn’t notice it myself much, it’s been creeping up on me and it’s only been, maybe the last couple of months and even the last few weeks that I’ve really been aware that I was different, in myself, but now when I think about it it’s been gradually getting worse for some time.”

“Let’s hope you can get to the bottom of it a.s.a.p…mind you, you do seem better all ready.”

“I feel better, but I think that’s because I’m acknowledging it y’know…isn’t that like the AA thing…you have to know that you’re a drunk before you move forward?”

“You said you didn’t drink much.”

“I don’t man, it’s an analogy.”

“Oh right, sorry. I see what you’re saying.”

“I think we both need to eat and drink…here’s the diner, right on time.”

They got into the diner in double quick time.

“Two heart attacks on a plate, Gris?”

“With coffee.”

They both ate heartily and kept their conversation to a minimum. Gil had talked more in the last twenty four hours than he’d done in the preceding twenty four days, he was sure of that.

Nick did feel a lot better but he had this heavy feeling in his body, like his muscles had all been worked out and needed rest…but without any pain. He was tired too, but he was more used to that. He’d lived with that for months…maybe a year.

They had both very nearly cleaned their plates and now sat back feeling full and nursing their coffees.

“May I ask a couple of questions Nick…and please don’t answer if you don’t want to?”

“Go ahead, I’ll try to answer.”

“What’s with the doctor thing, not wanting to go in alone?”

Nick sat back and looked at Gil. He was weighing up his options. He decided.

“I’ll tell you Gris, but you must promise me that it stays between us…this ain’t going nowhere else, you understand?”

“Nick, I would never break your confidence. Never, I promise. You should know that.”

“I do…but sometimes y’know shit happens.”

“You have my promise.”

“Okay. Well what I said about being sickly and always at the doctor when I was a kid was true. I had an infection of this and then an infection of that, then all the childhood things and then some. I ended up in the hospital three or four times. Maria always took me to see the doctor ‘cause Momma was working, it didn’t bother me at all…until I was nine. Then all hell broke loose.” Nick took a few sips of his coffee and then continued. Gil remained silent.

“When I was nine, I had a new babysitter one night when there was just no one else available. My sisters all had something else to do and there was this big dinner…Daddy was getting an award, so he and Momma got this new sitter…she came with a recommendation; or so they thought. Anyway it was okay ‘til I went to bed and then she came up and wanted to ‘play doctor’ with me and well…she assaulted me pretty badly…you know…damaged my poor little dick and she shoved a wooden toy up my ass.” Nick stopped at Gil’s horrified expression.

“Hey, it’s okay now, man. I was well looked after and patched up like new and had therapy and everything but it was never the same at the doctor’s again, I can tell you, so I just like to go with someone. Like I said, I suddenly sprouted up and got cured of all my childhood stuff when I was twelve, so I was okay.” Nick drank some more of his coffee and looked at Gil’s stricken face over the top of his cup.

“Hey, it really is okay…do you think I could talk about it like this if it wasn’t? I just don’t want anyone knowing, it tends to make people take pity on me, and I don’t need that, it’s over and done with.”

“What…the girl…woman…sitter…what happened…?”

“Oh her…well turns out she was a good forger and had never had a reference for her sitting skills. Also turns out once word got around about me, several other boys came outta the woodwork…can you believe some poor mites couldn’t tell their Mom and Dad?”

“God Almighty! But what happened to her?”

“She got twenty-five to life and was murdered in prison less than a year after the trial…apparently female prisoners hate paedophiles as much as male prisoners. I don’t believe they ever found the culprit.

“And you had to give evidence? Jeeesus Nick!”

“Now don’t get all neurotic like my Momma. My Daddy’s a judge and he coached me real good and told me to tell the truth as it happened and not to be afraid and all that, y’know. So I did. I mean looking back I think I was just a precocious little brat with my glasses stuck on the end of my nose, but I’d been among adults and lawyers all my life so it was no big deal. And I had a therapist, Larry - good guy - used to play Monopoly with me and I used to beat the crap…hey, you think he let me win?” Nick laughed.

“I haven’t got adequate words to say to you…..”

“Look you don’t need ‘em man. You know the worst…apart from my doctor ’phobia’? It was Momma, hell, she had a guilt trip wider than the Canyon and even when I grew up and turned into a sports jock and everything, I was still her baby. She was in therapy way longer than me and the truth, Gris?” At Gil’s nod he continued.

“In the end it’s why I came to Vegas - to escape the family, all of them; I was, am, the baby, always the one that had to be looked after. I love ‘em all but once you pass twenty-five it gets a bit oppressive. You know even now Maria still makes the sign of the cross when she first sees me…” Nick paused and looked as if he was thinking about something.

“I’m a fool Gris, I should have gone to the Doc months ago but hell, I still don’t like doctors. I don’t know if it’s because of what she wanted to play or all the things the doctors had to do to me after….y’know, the sex assault kit. Are you okay…Gris?”

Gil was not okay; he’d swallowed his breakfast more than a few times in the last ten minutes. He shook his head.

“Drink your coffee, try your water…sip it Gil. Sorry, Gris.”

That made Gil laugh a little. “Call me ‘Gil’, I think you earned it.”

“Come on ‘Gil’…I’m fine now but I tell you I gotta catch some z’s man.”

“I’ll get the check - you left money yesterday.”

“Thanks.”

They got back to Gil’s truck and clambered inside…Gil put the key in the ignition but didn’t fire the engine, he turned to Nick.

“How do you do your job Nick? How?”

“To help the victims Gris, Gil, I was very lucky…exceptionally lucky, having my parents and the support I had…but how many people truly have that sort of help? And that’s another reason my Momma’s still neurotic – my job.”

“The truth, Nick? The truth is I empathise with your Mom and you know I’m not big on empathy.”

“This isn’t going to make things different…is it?”

“No, it isn’t, I’ll get over the shock and I promise I’ll be okay…but d’you know Nicky…I think what’s wrong with you is physical rather than some sort of depression. You seem remarkably…grounded…if that’s really the right word.”

“Most of the time I feel just about okay too…just the tiredness gets me down most and I do sorta swing around a bit with the moods – like yesterday when I had the whole world on my back and I spoke to you so badly, I’m sorry for that man, but I feel better now, today. Thanks for being there today Gris, Gil. Oh shit!”

“What? What is it?”

“The Doc…he thought you were my PARTNER didn’t he? Oh shit!”

“No worries, Nick.” Gil laughed at Nick’s stricken face.

“How could I have missed that, it must be in my notes.”

“What’s that Nick?” Gil was moving away from the sidewalk and joining the traffic.

“Me being gay an’ all.” Nick lurched forward, even though he was securely belted into his seat, because of the force of Gil’s braking. There were honks from several drivers behind them.

“Nick, WHAT?”

“Sorry, I thought you knew.”

“How would I know?”

“Well, Catherine and ‘Rick…and Greg and Bobby and Archie and most of the lab...they all know…I thought you did.”

“I didn’t know. How could I miss that?”

“Well I don’t know. I don’t shout it from the rooftops and wear my ‘gay with pride’…or whatever…but I did think you knew. Not like I’ve been out a lot recently though…”

“But the…girl…Kristy. You slept with her.”

“Well yeah…maybe I’m not a hundred percent y’know, but I don’t normally…sleep with women…but she was hot, man…” Nick yawned such a big yawn, his body trembled. “…and she was laying it out like an all day buffet. You know it was a shame about her. Look Gris, Gil, Gris, can I go home man, I’m dead on my feet here.”

“Of course Nick, I’m sorry…but I’ve had more shocks today…I didn’t think I could be shocked anymore you just proved it twice in what, twenty minutes?”

“Mmmm.” Nick was leaning on the door and looked as if he was very nearly asleep.

Gil made a decision and turned the truck around. He’d deliver Nick straight to his own doorstep and then pick him up tonight. Cut out the middle man.

When Gil finally arrived home it was one in the afternoon and he was normally up at six, but he took out his best brandy and half filled a small tumbler – no time for aesthetics with his usual brandy balloon. Without checking his mail, snail, voice or e, he went straight to his bedroom, undressed and went to his bathroom, took a piss and then washed his hands and that was that. Toothpaste would ruin his brandy and he’d go dirty for once, it wouldn’t hurt him. He sat on the edge of his bed and sipped his drink. This had been a day to remember that was for sure. He reset his alarm for seven, downed the remainder of his brandy, shuddered theatrically and got into bed. Despite everything he was asleep in a minute – flat.

The next few days flew past. They were so busy none of them had time to draw breath and Gil certainly had no time to speak with Nick for any length of time. On Sunday night it was quieter and he saw Nick in the DNA lab checking over some print outs. He looked as forlorn as Gil had seen him ‘that’ morning.

“Hey. How you doing?”

“Oh, okay you know.” But Nick’s voice was flat like when they’d first spoken about him.

“You sound as if you’re not as good as you felt on Thursday.”

“No.”

“Well, Philip Kane Tuesday…tomorrow, and then your doctor Wednesday morning. Did you manage that…sample?

“Yeah…I did…took it in Friday morning.”

“I bet you put it in the trunk?” Gil was trying for light hearted.

“No. Put it in the passenger foot well but had the A/C on a freezer blast.”

“Good man. You want to go for breakfast?”

“Can I give you a rain check man? Gotta sleep.”

“No problem. You know we’re nearly done here and you’re dead on your feet. Leave your truck and I’ll drive you home. Pick you up tonight. How does that sound?”

“Like a plan.”

“See you in ten, just got to tidy up.”

“Okay.”

Twenty minutes later Gil was manoeuvring his truck out of his space. In the passenger seat, a barely conscious Nick looked ill. He was very pale and his eyes looked red rimmed and sore. He was slumped in his seat and Gil thought he looked as if he was seconds away from sleep. He was right.

“Come on Nick you’re home, you’ll soon be tucked up in bed, like a big baby.” His joke fell on deaf ears; he shook Nick’s shoulder, but Nick was hardly responding.

“Nick. Nick.” Gil was louder and shook more strongly, Nick did open his eyes but looked as if he’d fall asleep immediately, which he started to do.

“Hey Nick. I’m going to open up your door and then come back for you…okay?”

Nick was asleep again, he hadn’t heard. Gil felt in Nick’s jacket pocket and retrieved his house keys. He undid Nick’s seat belt while he was there and then went to open the townhouse door. The house alarm screeched and Gil swore very colourfully at his stupidity for forgetting the alarm. Nick’s security system was state of the art for a very good reason.

He’d have to get Nick. He went to the truck and opened the passenger door and Nick nearly fell into his arms. But the shrill noise was intrusive and Nick was roused by the sound and Gil, not so gently shaking him.

“I tried to get you in without any bother and I’ve activated your alarm Nick - you’ll have to come and unset it.”

“’K, manage man…so fuckin’ tired man…hardly…keep eyes open…”

“I got ya…come on.” Gil was manhandling Nick to his door but he was certainly heavier than Gil had imagined. His muscles must weigh a ton. But he got Nick inside and the noise was so loud indoors that even in his stupor Nick woke up sufficiently to input the code.

He said it aloud as he did it and Gil made a mental note to remember it – not that difficult – ‘040302’ .

“Date I moved in…” Nick turned in Gil’s arms and before Gil could comprehend what he was about to do, Nick kissed him.

It was a lazy, wet, sloppy kiss, but thorough and although Gil just stood there with his eyes open it was difficult not to be ‘involved’. As Nick’s tongue breached Gil’s lips and entered Gil’s mouth Nick emitted a strange little sound almost like ‘Ooooohhh’.

Gil pulled away, Nick clearly had no idea what he was doing, even if he was also, clearly, enjoying it. Gil was actually enjoying it too, but Nick wasn’t to know that, now was he?

“Nick, come on, I’ve got to get you to bed. Which way?”

“Just follow me Stevie babe, just follow me.” He moved towards his open stairs and dragged Gil with him, who now realised that he was ‘Stevie’, who Nick plainly knew very well.

It was a stumbling and difficult journey but a few minutes later Nick was deposited on his bed. Gil’s next decision was whether to leave him like he was or to try and get him at least partly ready for bed. He chose to go for getting his clothes off, in the main…it would be uncomfortable otherwise.

He took off his boots and socks. He undid the belt, then the button and zipper and tried to pull the khaki’s down Nick’s legs. Easier said than done when he wanted to leave his underwear in situ. But a wriggling, giggling Nick - although nearly comatose - thought he should help Gil. By pulling Gil down on top of him and seriously attempting to kiss him again.

“Nick, come on you’re too tired and I’m not Stevie…come on.”

Gil extricated himself from the embrace fairly easily and Nick decided to let him pull his pants down by lifting his hips off the bed. As Gil slipped the pants down Nick’s thighs his eyes were captured by a substantial erection, not particularly well hidden in Nick’s tight white cotton briefs.

Gil had to groan…he couldn’t stop himself and his own erection wanted to join his new best friend. The only good thing was that Nick appeared to be well and truly asleep now. Taking several deep breaths Gil completed the action to remove the pants. He was leaving Nick’s shirt on but he still had to extricate the jacket from Nick…or Nick from the jacket.

Gil had a film of sweat on his face by the time he’d finished; his body was clammy from the effort and his erection had faded considerably…well, completely. He pushed and pulled Nick into a comfortable position and pulled the blankets over him. He checked the setting on Nick’s alarm – six – the same as his own, if he slept through he’d have nine hours sleep, he obviously needed it. He folded Nick’s clothes.

He closed the blinds and fetched a glass of water and put it on the nightstand. He looked down at Nick Stokes, a childhood victim of abuse, a gay man, a thoroughly nice young man and definitely the most handsome man in the lab, if not the PD. He wondered who Stevie was…lucky, if nothing else.

Gil bent over Nick and placed a chaste kiss on his temple. He stroked the soft hair and sighed. He’s too young for me. I’m too old for him.

He left Nick sleeping and hoped he wouldn’t remember what had happened when he awoke. Probably not, he’d imagine it was a dream…a very nice dream…he hoped. When Gil got downstairs he cursed. He’d left the front door open and when he looked outside the passenger door of his truck was also wide open. He went back inside and checked around - it was okay. He took Nick’s keys upstairs and put them in full view on the nightstand.

He then went home. He felt exhausted but decided on a hot shower before eating and doing a few chores. In the shower the outline of Nick’s erection, so vivid in his mind’s eye, made his own erection hard once again and his balls ache, they felt so full. He couldn’t remember the last time he masturbated, but it was probably in the shower, it was easier and less messy.

With very hot water nearly scalding his back he leaned one arm on the cold tiles and used his right hand to pump himself. He held himself tightly and fisted himself just a few times; his eyes flew open when Nick Stokes’ image implanted itself in his brain. Nick on his knees in front of Gil, sucking and licking the head of his cock so lasciviously that Gil cried out as he pumped out stream after stream of ejaculate. He continued pulling his cock as the last drops of fluid appeared on the head. His thighs were trembling and his knees were locked to prevent him from falling. It was the most powerful orgasm he could ever remember producing with his own hand.

After a few minutes recuperation he washed himself down and turned the water onto cool. He could do with cooling down - he was too old to be this over heated and it had nothing to do with the water.

Gil went to bed at eleven, he was nearly as tired as Nick. He slept heavily and dreamlessly but couldn’t stop the ringing in his head. He reached out to his alarm clock and banged the top down but the ringing continued. Cell. It was his cell. He rolled over onto his back and reached for the cell ‘phone next to his clock.

“What?” He was already very annoyed.

“Oh shit, I thought you’d be awake, it’s okay I’ll call back….”

“No. Nick, look it’s okay….but I was deeply asleep….what time is it anyway?” He looked at the clock, as Nick said.

“Six.”

“Time for me to get up anyway - my alarm’s set for six. What’s wrong Nick?”

“Well…errr, I was in the shower a few minutes ago and I remembered something…well I think I did……”

“You did; look no big deal you were out of it and clearly missing…someone. I’m okay, don’t worry.”

“Stevie, you remind me of him…or it could be that he reminded me of you…I’m sorry.”

There was silence for a few moments…Gil was processing what Nick had said. Stevie reminded Nick of him? Why?

“Why’s that? I mean, why do I remind you…..” Gil’s question fizzled out.

“He was older…you know…than me and carried a bit….well not a lot….but he had blue eyes an’ all.”

“Nick?”

“Mmmm?”

“Are you doing what I think you’re doing…?”

“What’s that? I’m apologising if that’s what you want to hear or…do you think I’m coming onto to you ‘cause man, I could be, y’know…if that’s what you want to hear?”

“Nick?”

“Gil? You don’t mind do you?”

“No, I don’t think I do.”

“That’s good, yeah man, that’s real good.”

Nick sounded more Texan than Gil had ever heard and his voice sounded low and smooth. He was very nearly fifty and a gorgeous young man was picking him up over his cell. He laughed.

“You okay there Gil?”

“I am indeed. How did I not know you were gay? And if you were so out of it this morning how did you know that I…how shall I put it…that I’m not averse to men?”

“No idea about most of those questions Gil, but did you kiss me and stroke my hair, earlier?”

“I thought you were sound asleep; you were comatose, Nick.”

“Well I was, so maybe I dreamed it ‘cause I wanted it…since I met you, Gil…since the day I came for my interview you’ve been my……”

“I’ve been your what, Nick?”

“You know darn well, Dr Grissom.”

“I think I do Nick, I think I do….”

“Can we go out on a date, Gil?”

“Are you asking?”

“Sure am.”

“Then I’m accepting.”

“Good; then that’s it…can we wait until I’m better though…’cause y’know the ol’ libido ain’t what it should be, y’know man?”

“You assuming I’d put out on the first date Nick…pretty big assumption if you ask me?”

“Pretty big…yeah…but right, eh, man?”

“I think I should keep a little mystery alive in this romance.”

“A romance then? Sounds good.”

“Does, doesn’t it? Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“You‘re going to get better soon…I feel it in my bones.”

“Oh my God. Gil Grissom doesn’t do feelings or hunches, only evidence. Have I got the right number?”

“You have. I have to say Nick that there’s an awful lot you don’t know about me….”

“Hold on, you told me just last week that there was nothing much to you……”

“Smokescreen and mirrors. I was hardly likely to tell you that I was actually an old gay who wasn’t averse to a woman or two, now was I”

“I suppose not, hey, you’re not old man, what, forty-eight? I’m a bit concerned about our gaydar though man, neither one of us had a ‘ping’ did we?”

“Forty-seven actually. No…but I’ve never looked at work. You?”

“No…only at you and I didn’t know.”

“Pick you up later for work?”

“Yeah, man.”

“Look don’t be pissed, but I might give you a wide berth at work…I don’t want to aggravate…you know what I mean?

“As long as you promise to touch me in the morning…. Didn’t Diana Ross sing that?”

“God, how on earth did I miss the fact?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Nick, do your parents know?”

“What? Of course they do…I ‘fessed up when I was home first time from college…God all those young guys…it was too much! Momma said she knew anyway; ‘a Momma thing’ and Daddy, well he was taken aback…I suppose might be the polite way to put it, but hell if he wasn’t right with me within twenty four hours and my sisters…what a nightmare that was…look I can talk ‘til the cows come home and we’ve got to go to work…you should have my supervisor…”

“You’re right, I heard he was a hard-ass…what about your sisters, they didn’t like it?

“Like it? They LOVED it…a man on their side…hell, they’d never been so friendly to their little bro…it was good times y’know…good times.”

“But you left?”

“Momma got neurotic about everything….. HIV, Aids, being a cop, being a criminalist, being her baby; it was best to get out…and I met you. Taken me what…three, going on four years to get here, this moment?”

“Good times ahead again, Nick.”

“Yeah….”

“You okay…Nick?”

“Just gone tired again, used all my energy up talking..”

“Stay at home tonight, you’ve got a valid reason.”

“What…with my supervisor, you gotta be joking me?”

“Yeah…I was, I’d rather have you at the lab…I can keep an eye on you there. No going out tonight Nick…you’re doing lab work and no complaints.”

“None from me man…I’m good. Sara though…she’ll not like it, she will be aggravated; she’s not going to go quietly.”

“Not your problem.”

“‘K…pick me up later?”

“Can’t wait.”

“Nor me. Gil?”

“What?”

“Thanks for everything, I mean that.”

“You’re welcome Nick, and I mean that.”

“See you soon.”

“Soon.”

“Bye, end the call first.”

“Okay, bye.” Gil pressed the call end button. And pulled his hands under the blankets into the warmth, cell and all.

Nick Stokes wants him. Real bad by the sound of it. He sighed. ‘Now’ was about the time he should start talking himself out of this. He didn’t do relationships. He didn’t do young men. He didn’t do work colleagues. He certainty shouldn’t do a member of his team, a subordinate.

What the hell. He wanted Nick Stokes and he was going to have him, come hell or high water. He wasn’t negotiable. He wanted him for God’s sake. Suddenly full of a vigour he couldn’t remember having for a long time he got out of bed and got ready for work…speedily, efficiently and purposefully.

Nick Stokes was his for the taking and he was going to take him, and that was that.

The only stutter was when he remembered that Nick was ill. They had the therapist next morning and then the results of the blood work the morning after. He hoped against hope that it was something treatable, whatever it was, he’d got Nick and he wasn’t going to let go and he did feel good about it. Nick’s doctor didn’t seem unnecessarily perturbed.

Gil arrived at Nick’s house in good time. Nick opened the door and fatigue was written across his face, his whole demeanour.

“Hey, I felt so good earlier but man, I’m tired again like you wouldn’t believe.”

“I do believe, are you sure you want to come in?”

“I do want to be there…don’t want to be on my own, y’know? But I might not be able to do much.”

“You can sleep on my couch if need be. Hey, come here.” He opened his arms and Nick fell into them. Gil held him close and for all his fevered imagination earlier this didn’t feel sexual; it felt calm and wonderful, warm and right. Absolutely right.

Nick pulled back a bit and looked at Gil, they were nearly the same height. “Feels good.”

“Feels right, Nick. Feels absolutely right.”

By the time they’d reached the lab Nick could hardly walk straight. Gil made him bypass the locker room and go straight to his office and use his couch. Nick looked more worried. He said he felt weak along with tired, and he couldn’t remember feeling like that before. Gil was concerned about this but was somewhat mollified by the thought that the results of the blood tests would be known in thirty six hours…he hoped that they would be conclusive.

But then he worried what that conclusion might be.

The shift gathered for their assignments. As Gil went to start Catherine piped up.

“Where’s Nick?”

“He’s staying in the lab tonight.”

“What?” Sara did indignation so well. “He’s had more than his fair share of time in, finishing up cases, we could all do with some of that.”

“Nick will be in the lab tonight and for as long as I say he’ll be in the lab.” Gil remained remarkably calm.

“It’s not fair, you’re favouring him; what’s he got that we haven’t? Certainly no more work.”

Catherine sensing that there was some underlying cause here came out on Gil’s side.

“Gil doesn’t favour anyone Sara.” Actually, except you, thought Catherine, but continued. “There’s got to be a good reason so lets get on with this shall we?”

“Thank you Catherine. There is. Warrick there’s a…”

“But don’t you think we should get to hear exactly what that reason is, it affects all of us doesn’t it…we have a right to know.”

“You have a right to know nothing unless I choose to tell you now that’s the end of it. Warrick….” Gil’s anger was beginning to bubble up to the surface and Nick chose that moment to enter the fray.

“Look guys I’m sorry, I’ll come out and do what I have to, no sweat.”

Whether it was the way the lighting fell on Nick or whether his condition had suddenly deteriorated, Gil didn’t know, but Nick looked really awful and really sick.

His face had a deathly pallor except for the dark circles beneath his eyes. His eyes were red rimmed as if he had been crying and Gil knew he hadn’t. His face had a puffy look to it that Gil just hadn’t noticed before and he was leaning on the door jamb as if he’d fall down if it wasn’t there to support him.

“Oh my God, Nick, what’s wrong?” Catherine managed.

“What the fuck?” Was Warrick’s contribution.

Sara stared and at least had the grace to blush.

“Nick, you are not going out, come on let’s get you back to my office.” Gil had immediately made his way to Nick’s side and with an arm around his waist had propelled Nick back to his office.

“Stay; do as you’re told.” Gil’s voice was light and caring; Nick looked so miserable but Gil did note that he didn’t look quite as ill as he had a few minutes ago – obviously thanks to the harsh fluorescent lighting.

“I don’t want to be the cause of them arguing.”

“Who exactly was arguing and who, exactly, did you say would argue?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I want you to stay here, I’m closing the door behind me and I want you to rest. Is that clear CSI Stokes?”

“That supervisor of mine….he can be a bitch y’know?”

“Tell me about it.”

Gil went back to the conference room to try and hand out assignments again.

“What’s wrong with him Gil, he looks really sick?” Catherine’s voice was full of concern.

“I don’t know…and, as a matter of fact, neither does he, we, he’s awaiting the results of some tests. It’ll be up to him if he then chooses to share that information with you.”

“He shouldn’t be at work. Isn’t it an insurance liability?”

“Sara; listen to yourself. Nice to think you care so much about your colleagues.” Warrick had got in quicker than Gil, which was lucky for Sara because his fuse had been lit and he was about to explode.

“THE ASSIGMNENTS.” That had their undivided attention.

“Warrick, a B and E out in Henderson. Catherine, a small but suspicious fire behind the Stratosphere and Sara….” The name was uttered through clenched teeth and with barely concealed anger. “A DB in the parking lot of the Imperial Palace. Go. Sara stay here.”

Catherine and Warrick moved quickly. While they wouldn’t mind being in earshot neither wanted to be in the line of fire.

“I am just about sick and tired of your continual whining CSI Sidle.” He’d said ‘CSI Sidle’ in such a different manner to ‘CSI Stokes’ a few minutes before. “You question everything; you assume that you know everything and that you are always right, without exception. Now out in the field that can be an admirable trait, but here, in the lab with your colleagues, your superior attitude and your insolent manner is getting to be very boring and I want to see a change immediately. Do I make myself clear?”

“So you’re saying that what I do in the field is admirable but I have to be a nice little woman back here and not step on toes and challenge incompetence.”

“I said, ‘can be admirable’, but we both know that there have been times when you’ve seriously overstepped the mark. I have given you a lot of leeway, even in the face of criticism of my manner of supervising you. I didn’t mention your gender and it means nothing to me. You’re a CSI here, not a woman.” He really hoped that hurt. ”You say you challenge incompetence. I’ve had no reports of any of the staff on this shift being incompetent. I have never witnessed it. I’ve seen people make mistakes, genuine mistakes, and I can live with that. What I can’t live with, and will take the steps to remedy the situation if need be, is your attitude. It will change tonight, now, is that understood?”

“I questioned the legality of a sick staff member being on the premises. I think you’ll find that it contravenes the insurance liability…”

“Yes it does. And if you ever get very sick and frightened then I’ll be sure to give you plenty of time on your own, alone, to wait it out so as not to contravene the insurance liability. You can go; you’ve got work to do.”

Sara didn’t move or speak and Gil got his papers together and walked out. He wasn’t satisfied with what he’d said to her. But it would do. He was going to document her behaviour and check out a few other things, make sure he had the evidence and an audit trail if push did indeed come to shove. She could be an excellent CSI if she worked on her own but her interaction with other people bordered on sociopathic. Coming from a loner like him even Gil could see the humour in that premise.

When he got back to his office he found Nick lying back on the couch and Jim chatting to him.

“Jim?”

“Hey Gil, just catching up with Nick. Not too well then?”

“No, but we hope to have some results soon.”

“Wednesday – results day.”

“Yeah, can’t come soon enough, eh Nick?”

“Not for me Gris. How’s Sara?”

“Gone out to a DB.”

“Trouble with the lovely young lady, by any chance?”

“Don’t Jim.”

“Bad then.”

“Do you want a drink Nick, I could do with a very large brandy, but I’ll settle for coffee.”

“Coffee would be good. Hey, I do feel better than I did, even a few minutes ago. I’ll get the coffee and then do a bit of lab work. Okay?”

“If you feel up to it, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I do.” Nick left the two other men in the office.

“Any idea what’s wrong with him?”

“No idea…and you know what Jim, I’ve been afraid to google it…I don’t think Nick has either.”

“See what you’re saying. I take it you’re going with him?”

“Wild horses…but he did ask me…he’s a really nice young man….”

“Oh, oh, fancy ‘em a bit younger now do ya’ Gil?”

“Don’t tell me, you knew he was ….”

“Yep…are you intimating you didn’t?”

“No idea…but I might be about to play catch up…..”

“Be careful Gil, you’d be flouting the code of conduct about supervisors and subordinates and guess who’ll be taking notes?”

“Tell me about it. You know what Jim; I’m too old and too ornery to care. It’s a bridge I’ll cross when I have to.”

“Coffee; heck, Jim, I never asked you. Do you want one?”

“No thanks Nick, I’m heading out, the old bladder ain’t what it was! Good luck, if I don’t see you around.”

“Thanks Jim…I’ll let you know, okay.”

“Yeah, do that.” With that he was gone.

“I really like Jim y’know, he reminds me of my Uncle Eddie, Momma’s younger brother; he’s a cop in Houston.”

“I get the feeling Nick, that half of Texas may be related to you.”

“You’re not wrong, man.” Nick sat down in the chair opposite Gil. He held his mug of coffee in both hands and looked at the steaming liquid and then took a deep breath and looked directly at Gil.

“I’m scared Gil…what if it’s HIV or Aids…I’ve always done safe sex man, and I’ve never done any other, y’know, high risk activity but…..”

“Then it’s highly unlikely Nick. It’s difficult to catch you know, but people get stupid and think it won’t happen to them. I was on the scene when it first blew up and it gave me a wake up call I can tell you. Had myself tested every year for years until I left that paranoia behind. I didn’t date…for ‘date’ read ‘fuck’…for, maybe, ten years.”

“Wow. It’s so weird to hear you speak like this…who’d have known.”

“Jim knows – but that’s about all around here, though I suspect that Catherine suspects, but she’s never even hinted at it to me.”

“Now that’s odd ‘cause she had me, just a few months after I got here. She was spot on.”

“Nicky, try not to worry. It’s not HIV or Aids. It’s maybe something chronic but we’ll deal with it when we know.”

“Keep calling me ‘Nicky’ won’t you? I like it the way you say it. Going to do some work man while I’ve got some energy.”

“As soon as you start to get weary come back in here…okay?”

“I will.”

Sara returned some time later and her mood was black, there was very nearly an aura around her. Without exception everyone avoided her. But she noticed Nick working trace.

About the time of her return Jim called Gil. He related the tale of Sara’s behaviour at the crime scene in the parking lot. It was an old man in his car and there didn’t appear to be any suspicious circumstances. However, Sara had gone ballistic at a rookie cop for attempting to resuscitate the man. He'd done exactly what he should’ve done. But it had obviously disturbed evidence at the scene and that was not to Sara’s liking.

The rookie didn’t want to pursue it but Gil was going to keep a dossier now, of all the incidents involving Sara. It struck him he should do the same for everyone else, except it never happened with anyone else.

A little after that Nick came back into his office, the previous exhaustion now back with a vengeance.

“Need a rest man.”

“Looks like it. I’ve done well with my paperwork tonight but I’ve got to go check a few things. I’ll turn the lights off and close the door behind me and let you rest for as long as I can.” Gil walked over to the already seated Nick.

“Are you being nice to me to get into my pants?” Nick whispered.

“Yes.” Gil whispered back.

“Good, it’s working.”

“Rest up Nicky, you’ve got to get through your appointment with Philip. You okay with that?”

“Yeah…I know he’s not like a real doc and I’ve done therapy before but it’ll be good that you’ll be there.”

“You know he may not let me come in with you, at least at first. Remember your own doctor was worried about ‘duress’ and I would suppose a therapist would be even more concerned. So keep that in mind.”

“’K.” Nick was almost asleep.

Gil left him and as promised turned off his lights and closed his door. The lab was quiet, everyone seemed absorbed in some work and Sara had her head bent over evidence on a table. Gil couldn’t be bothered to speak to her. Not very ‘boss’ like, he knew, but he could hardly bear to look at her, let alone speak.

He made his way to his first call in ballistics and set about checking the details on an ongoing case. In no time at all he was thoroughly absorbed in his work. But Nick was a constant in the back of his mind all the time. He pulled his head away from a microscope to rub his eyes and shook his head at his remembrance that this had all happened in less than five days. How life had a habit of turning you around and biting your ass.

Well it seemed he had a new ass to bite himself and what a gloriously compact and toned ass that was. He shook his head again

“You, Gilbert Grissom, are at work.” He muttered under his breath.

“What’s that Gil?” Bobby had heard his mutterings.

“Just giving myself a pep talk Bobby.”

“Ha, like you need that!”

“You’d be surprised.” He said. He thought, ‘I bet those ass cheeks’ll fit in my hands perfectly.’

Gil was on his way back to his office just before eight. He opened up but didn’t put the lights on. Nick was still asleep, snoring alarmingly loudly, in Gil’s book anyway. But he was lying on his back, so he hoped it was just circumstances.

“Nicky, come on, time to get up an’ at ‘em.”

“God, have I been snoring, my mouth is dry…?”

“My first thought was that someone had started drilling for oil in here, but then I realised it was you…...”

“Not me, no form for that sort of noise.”

“Really? Remind me to buy a tape machine.”

“Gonna stick around to listen then?”

“I am and I’m going to have to come clean to the sheriff about us Nick, before anyone else sticks their oar in.”

“There’s an ‘us’ then?”

“What do you think?”

“What if I’m really sick Gil, what then?” Nick sounded defeated.

“There’s an ‘us’ now, and that’s final.”

“You say such nice things to me Gil Grissom, who’d have thought it?”

“What – I’ve always been a nice guy!”

“Okay, mostly nice then.”

“I could be offended, but I’m not. Do you want coffee, anything to eat before seeing Philip?”

“A snack bar would be good and I’ll take a shower and change. That okay?”

“Yeah, go shower then; I’ll get a snack bar and then we’ll go.”

At exactly nine the two men walked into Philip Kane’s outer office and after a few forms had been filled Gil was sitting, sipping coffee, in the same outer office while Nick had been shown onto Philip’s consulting room.

Fifty minutes later Gil was trying, quite successfully as it happened, to remain calm and focussed in the same outer office when Philip came out to speak to him. They were old acquaintances.

“Gil, good to see you again, how are you.”

“And you Philip, I’m good, but worried about Nick.”

“No beating about the bush Gil, as usual. Nick has asked that you come in – that okay with you?”

“Yes.”

They returned to Philip’s room and Gil was happy to see a clearly very tired, but a calm and composed young man. Gil put a hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“You look good, Nicky.”

“I am. Philip and me, we’ve had a good talk and I thought you’d like to hear his conclusion Gil, save me repeating it and just so you know.”

“I get the picture. Philip?”

“Nick and I have spoken at some length and I am of the opinion that there is definitely some low grade depression hanging around but I think I might go with a physical cause unless it’s ruled out. There are a number of illnesses or conditions that fit the bill and I think Nick’s doctor’s got that covered. We should see what happens with the blood tests and then follow this through, based on those results. That’s about what I said to you, eh Nick?”

“That about sums it up, but could you give me a little more information about what it could be.”

“I could, but I won’t. What if I reel off half a dozen possible causes and it’s not one of them? Let your doctor do his job and hope the tests show up what it is you’ve got.”

“Is….errr….HIV or Aids one of those possibilities?”

“Good Lord Nick, no. Do YOU think it’s a possibility…have you been in any high risk situation?”

“Not that I’m aware Doc…sorry to startle you but y’know the ‘not knowing’ is getting to me now.”

Gil butted in, “Twenty four hours Nick, just hold it together for a little longer.” He reached over and rested his hand on Nick’s arm; Nick glanced down and the covered it with his own hand and smiled at Gil.

“I’ll be okay Doc…Gil’ll keep me centred.”

“I think he will Nick, after what you’ve told me.”

Gil’s eyebrows rose as he looked questioningly at Philip.

“I can’t possibly say…patient doctor confidentiality.” Philip deadpanned back and then grinned.

“Take me home Gil and let me get to bed so I can sleep and then maybe I might tell you…or might not…see how I feel.”

“I sense a conspiracy here. Is that all Philip, can I get Nick home to bed?”

“That’s a good idea. If you do need a follow up, either of you, just call for an appointment.”

“We will Philip. Thank you.”

Gil and Nick both shook hands with the therapist and Nick was almost ready to collapse. Gil helped him, with an arm around his waist, to his truck and, once buckled up, Nick was asleep before they were on the road.

As they arrived at Nick’s condo, Gil woke him up. “I have an idea Nick. but if you’re not up to it tell me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“It’ll keep you on the road and half awake a little longer but…how about packing a few of your things now and then coming over to sleep at my place? I can keep an eye on you and take you into work tonight and to the docs in the morning. If you don’t want to please say, I won’t be offended.”

“That’d be great Gil…can I give you a condition though?”

“Mmmm…what?” Gil was a bit wary.

“Can I sleep with you? Will you let me?” Nick was very unsure of himself as he asked.

“Of course you can…actually I’d kinda hoped you would.”

“What are we waiting for then?”

Gil helped Nick into his condo and sat him down on his bed while Nick directed him to pack some clothes and toiletries for a two or three day stay with Gil. Within fifteen minutes they were back on the road and Nick even managed to stay awake…he felt too excited to sleep even though he was so tired. He was going to lie in the arms of the man he’d wanted for a along time.

He’d told Dr Kane that he loved Gil Grissom.

Nick washed up and brushed his teeth and then got into Gil’s large bed. The bed was such a surprise….huge, lots of pillows, so comfortable to lie on and when Gil had said it was a water bed, Nick had had to get out and inspect it, having never, in his life, slept on a water bed.

By the time he actually settled down he was asleep in seconds. Gil stroked his hair for only the second time and once again kissed Nick’s temple; he whispered. ‘Tomorrow morning Nick... let’s hope we find out what’s wrong’.

Gil had to do some chores around the house, but decided against leaving his house with Nick lying asleep in his bed. He ordered groceries on-line to be delivered that evening.

He did his laundry since he was nearly out of work clothes and his place got a quick tidy up and then he settled back at his computer to check his mails…he had a few but couldn’t concentrate…physical work took his mind off Nick but sitting back at his desk brought it all back to him.

He was also very aware that Nick was lying in HIS bed and he was trying not to go to bed too early, just to lie with Nick in his arms. He gave in; he took a shower and as quietly as he could he slipped between the bedclothes and settled down as close as he could to Nick, without disturbing him.

He needn’t have bothered trying not to disturb Nick for in seconds Nick had turned over and was now attached to Gil, using his chest as a pillow for his head and Gil’s legs as a rest for one of his legs. One arm was draped all the way around Gil’s waist and the other tucked under his cheek as it lay on Gil’s chest.

Gil chuckled to himself…it had been a very long time indeed since anyone had made themselves so comfortable with him, on him…and this was the first time they’d ever shared a bed.

One of Gil’s arms was stuck alongside his own body, underneath Nick’s body, but it didn’t feel awkward so Gil left it there; his other arm lay over Nick’s arm on his own body. It was so comfortable and relaxed he forgot about the doctor’s appointment and fell asleep within minutes.

When Gil awoke, some six or so hours later, Nick was staring at him through tired eyes. They were both lying on their sides facing each other with their legs entangled.

“Hey.”

“Hey right back at ya.”

“How are you feeling ?”

“’Bout the same…I slept as well as I usually do and for ….” He looked over Gil’s shoulder to the clock. “….’bout eight hours…and I could still sleep, but gotta take a pee. Are you okay, did I disturb you?”

“Nope. I can’t remember the last time I slept so well…as soon as I got into bed you cuddled up to me like we’ve…well…like we’ve….”

“….been together forever?”

“Yeah Nick, just like that.”

“That’s what it feels like to me…weird shit man…I hardly knew you last week and here I am with my shoes under your bed.”

“Go take a leak and I’ll go start the coffee pot…do you think you could eat eggs, toast?”

“I think I could…you got any tomatoes…cause I love ‘em grilled with eggs, man?”

“Your wish is my command…hey, the groceries’ll be here any minute.”

“I’ll go shower, do you need help cooking?”

“While I might not be cordon bleu, I can wrestle eggs into submission. Off you go before you wet the bed…”

“Excuse me…I don’t do THAT, even when I’ve been drinking…but I do know who does…” He tapped the side of his nose and got up and made his way to the bathroom. Gil was acutely aware that Nick looked beat…even after all the sleep he’d had. He may have been joking as he went off to the bathroom but there was no spring in his step.

Gil didn’t want the next morning to arrive and yet hoped it would be there in the blink of an eye. The diagnosis. The good news from Philip Kane had made the news from Dr Joyson even more pertinent.

Gil rustled up a good breakfast and Nick ate well. The groceries were put away and Gil went to shower as Nick insisted on doing the dishes. He managed the task but he was shaking and tired and by the time Gil had rejoined him Nick was ready to lie down and sleep. He still insisted on accompanying Gil to work, although he confessed that he thought he’d be asleep most of the night.

Sara, for once in her life kept her mouth shut. Gil - and the rest of them didn’t think this was because she’d suddenly become reasonable and seen the error of her ways. No, Sara’s silence was more of a ‘foreboding of doom’.

Catherine had thought this and then shuddered…she was sad for Sara, because there was obviously something wrong with her life. But then she’d didn’t appear to have made any attempt to right the wrongs. She was not conducive to a happy working environment.

Warrick thought that whenever she was around they were all on tenterhooks. He didn’t feel relaxed in her company either in the lab or out in the field.

Gil had thought she was just plain sulking at being told a few plain truths.

It was actually Nick who was most comfortable being with Sara at work. She was the least confrontational with him; but Nick always made an effort to be friendly with everybody but even his good manners had been sorely tested in the past. However, Sara did make an effort with Nick after assignments had been handed out. She found him in trace but with his head in his hands and barely able to keep his eyes open.

“Nick? I wasn’t getting at you personally you know, last night. I didn’t know you were sick. Do you know what’s wrong?”

“No…results, am tomorrow.”

“Well…good luck then.”

“Thanks Sara.”

“If you…if you…need any help…you know…I can help…just…say the word, okay?”

Now, if Nick had been up to normal running speed he would never have uttered his next words - in a million years and then some……

“I’m okay Sara, Gil’s taking care of me…let me move in for a couple of days and taking me to the docs and everything…he’s…got it covered.” Even as he finished the sentence he realised what a major, a huge, monumental mistake he’d made.

Sara’s face lost it’s ‘concerned for you Nick’ in an instant and was replaced with a look of pure hatred…that’s how Nick would describe it later…though he was unsure whether it was towards him or Gil.

“You moved in with him?” She spat this out at Nick.

“No…just staying with him an’ all ‘til I’m diagnosed.”

“So if you’re real sick Nick, dying Nick, you’ll be able to do it in his arms?” Sara was well aware of Nick’s sexuality.

Words failed Nick, he stared at her with a look of sheer horror at the words she’d spoken. His mouth was open to speak but no words came out. If he was pale before he was now ashen and tears were pooled in his eyes, just about ready to start rolling down his cheeks.

It may have taken a few moments but Sara did realise what she’d just said and even in her present mind she was aware of their impact. She was stuck though, she had no social skills to be able to retract her words and so she remained as silent as Nick. She suddenly turned on her heel and left.

Nick needed fresh air….his eyes were blinded by the unshed tears and as he stepped down from the stool his knees gave way beneath him and he fell to the floor in a kneeling position, his arms wrapped around himself. He couldn’t stop the sobs; they were wrenched from his body as he rocked himself on the floor. He was hidden from sight by the work bench.

“I thought Nick was in here.” It was Warrick; he’d stopped in the doorway and as he was about to turn away and go look elsewhere for Nick, he heard the sounds. He walked into the lab and found Nick.

“Shit. Nick, what’s wrong?” He was kneeling beside Nick in an instant. Warrick had been speaking to Greg and he also dropped down beside Nick.

“Get Gris.” Greg obeyed Warrick’s command without question. Warrick was at a loss as to what was wrong with Nick.

“Nick. Nick. Man. Are you in pain? Nick, what can I do?” Warrick tried rubbing Nick’s back but that seemed to make Nick worse, so he stopped.

Luckily for Warrick, who really had absolutely no idea what to do, Grissom came skidding into the lab at that moment. He dropped onto his knees in front of Nick and Warrick clearly heard his knees crack at the violent manoeuvre.

“Oh God, Nicky, what is it?” Grissom’s pleading tone surprised Warrick who’d expected, he thought, a more business like approach. Warrick watched as Grissom pulled Nick apart, unlocking his arms, and then pulled him up into his own arms.

“Shhhh, Nicky, shhhh, it’ll be okay, I promise. What’s brought this on, sweetheart?”

If Gil had known he’d uttered the endearment he wouldn’t have cared less. Warrick was astounded but he heard Nick trying to speak through his sobs now directed at Gil’s shirt.

“Can’t hear you Nicky…come on, try and take some deep breaths.” Gil was employing the back rub far more effectively than Warrick had done and Nick was being soothed.

“Dy…..”

“What’s that Nicky?”

“Dy…ing….” Nick started sobbing again. Warrick looked at Grissom and Grissom caught Warrick’s eye.

“Did he say he was dying?” Warrick whispered to Grissom.

Grissom nodded and took a deep breath.

“Look Nicky…I don’t know where you’ve got this from you haven’t had any results from the doctor yet. Come on tell me.”

Nick was calming now - the major part of the storm had quelled. But he shook his head at Gil’s request.

“Grissom? I saw Sara leaving here not a minute before Warrick and me found him.” Greg had stayed at the door to keep everyone out and even if he didn’t want to be a snitch…he would always pick Nick over Sara…no contest.

“Nick?” Grissom’s voice had now taken on a completely different tone, hard and demanding attention. In answer to the command Nick lifted his head up to look at Gil.

Gil spoke again. “What did Sara say to you, Nick? The truth now.”

“She said…I…die…in your arms.” Nick hiccoughed this reply out; tears were still trickling down his cheeks.

Gil’s breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t speak.

Warrick uttered, “Fucking bitch.” And in a very fast and fluid movement was up and out the lab, turning Greg on his heels as he passed him.

Greg went to kneel beside Nick and Gil. He was choked up himself as he too, rubbed Nick’s back.

In less than a minute there was shouting and a commotion outside in the corridor.

“Close the door, Greg.” Gil whispered and Greg did just that.

“Nicky, hey, Nicky, come on…whatever she said she has no idea…she’s talking rubbish…come on.” Gil was whispering to Nick…and Greg had a soppy smile on his face. Gil queried the look with a lift of an eyebrow.

“I’ll go and see what’s happening…” The shouting had stopped.

“Thanks Greg. Nicky, come on, it’ll be okay I know it will.”

“If I do die Gil, will you hold me?”

“You’re not going to die Nicky.”

“But if I do?”

“Nicky…oh…I want to hold you every single day of our lives…do you understand?”

“Mmmm. Gil, she’s a helluva mean bitch, man…I don’t think she said I was going to die…she said if I’m real sick and dying I’d be able to die in your arms. If I am…then I’d like that.”

“Nick! Stop that. You don’t, we, don’t even know what’s wrong and until we do know, let’s not hypothesise. Okay?”

“Okay. God; Warrick and Greg saw me like this…what a wuss.”

“You’re not a wuss; they’re really good guys…really good.”

“I know…’Rick’s my best buddy…and Greg is too…jeez Gil…Sara.”

“I know…I’ve got to do something about this Nick…but it’ll mean we’re going to have to come clean…not that we’ve done anything, yet…” Gil smiled at Nick.

“I’m okay…but what if you get fired?”

“So what…don’t worry I can always get work Nick…I regularly get job offers.”

“Wow…you do…where?”

“All over…now come on I think I may well have broken both knees and I think you’ll definitely have to help me up.”

“Oh Gil…my fault…hey…did you call me ‘sweetheart’?”

“Might have done…why?”

“No reason…good though…”

“Yeah….” And then, with Nick snotty from his crying and Gil in quite considerable pain from his abused knees they shared their first proper kiss - Gil was Gil not Stevie – it was just a chaste little affair.

They pulled back from one another and both men had somewhat sloppy expressions plastered over their faces.

“Come on, lets get you up.” Nick held Gil in a bear hug as he hauled himself to his feet, he brought Gil with him…Gil’s knees issuing forth with yet more cracks as they readjusted to an upright position.

“Locker room for you Nick and you can clean up. I’ll come with you…you are not going to be left alone until I find out what’s happened.”

“It was my fault Gil…I told her I was staying with you for a few days.” Nick remembered the conversation now.

“Is that it…any more?”

“Errr…no…well she apologised about last night…and then said if she could help me…and then I said you were helping me and I was staying at your place…but I definitely said it was only for a few days and that you were going to take me the docs…she looked evil Gil…real evil, and then said…well about if I was dying I could do it in your arms…I tried to stand but my knees buckled you know…I’m sorry...it’s all my fault.”

“NO...no…it isn’t your fault at all and if you’ve got one thing right it’s calling her a ‘fucking bitch’.”

“Did I? Don’t remember that….”

“It might have been Warrick. Well, he’s right then. Come on.”

They left together, Gil limping quite noticeably but he was still holding Nick tightly around his waist. There was no sign of any of his team. In fact everywhere was very quiet.

In the bathroom Gil sat on a bench massaging his knees while Nick splashed his face with cold water and then held cold paper towels over his skin to cool it down. It was very quiet in the bathroom.

The quiet was so pervasive that Gil suddenly stopped his massage and listened…he couldn’t hear a thing and he opened his mouth and took a breath to speak but at that precise moment there was a dull thud.

Both men heard; both men knew instantly what the sound was.

A gunshot……

They stared at one another for a split second and then Gil stood. The two men walked out of the bathroom into the locker room and then towards the corridor. It was in that moment that it seemed all hell was let loose.

It was Greg who reached them first, his face an absolute mask of shock and disbelief.

“Sara, Jesus Christ, Sara just killed herself……” He stopped suddenly and then dashed past the two men into the bathroom.

“Did he…say that Sara….?” Nick spoke first, in a whisper of incredulity.

“He did say that. Go to my office Nick and stay there…” He turned to look at Nick and put his hands on Nick’s shoulders. “Just for a few minutes while I find out what’s happened. I promise to be back in less than five minutes but I want you to stay in my office. Do you understand?” He understood that Nick was shocked and bearing in mind his fragile state just a few minutes ago Gil wanted to go on a quick fact finding mission and would then return to Nick, but then he decided to take Nick to his office first.

Nick would need him, he knew that much. Sara, it would seem, was beyond need.

Nick nodded and let Gil move him along to his office and then turn him and press him down to sit on the couch.

“I promise I’ll be back in five minutes – please Nicky, don’t move from here. Promise me?”

“Mmmm.” It was all the exhausted and shocked Nick could manage, but he had no intention of moving.

“I’ll look after you Nicky, I promise.” Gil ran his fingers down Nick’s face and then left – closing the door behind him and making his way through a sea of shocked people to the door to the parking lot.

He stepped out and could see the activity was centred around a truck. Sara’s truck.

He moved closer and could see Warrick and Brass just looking at the body of Sara. She was in the driver’s seat, a gun, her gun, he presumed, lay in her lap by her right hand. Her shoulders and clothing and the head rest, soaked with her blood…the blood a brighter red than normal under the harsh security lights of the lot.

Her face looked generally unscathed, but her hair at the back of her head was already congealed with blood, shattered bone and brain tissue. There was blood around her nose and tears of blood ran down her cheeks. In the moments Gil viewed the scene he assessed a fatal gunshot wound through the mouth and exiting in the middle of the back of her head.

Why?

Gil knew he hadn’t uttered the word out loud but Warrick spoke as if in answer.

“I had no idea, we were shouting…screaming…at each other and she just got in her truck, she didn’t even shut the door, she pulled the gun and for a split second I thought she was going to shoot me…before I could even duck down out of the way she’d done it…just did it…like that…just did it.”

Gil was satisfied with Warrick’s shocked and unintentionally detailed account of her death. Warrick was plainly unable to process what he’d seen although he knew what he’d seen.

“Jim?” At Jim’s look, Gil said. “You got it covered? I’ll take Warrick back inside.”

“Yeah. Bad shit, eh?”

“Bad shit.”

Gil then put an arm around Warrick’s back and turned him around – he was as compliant as Nick had been. He had to get back to Nick.

“Come on Warrick. Need you to come with me.”

“Yeah. I can’t believe it…she just did it Gris, just did it, no fuss or threats, she just did it.”

“Yeah.” Gil could not think of one word to comfort Warrick or explain Sara’s action; there was probably no one who could or would explain. If Sara had done this without a plan, it was likely she hadn’t left any indication as to why she’d done it – they’d all have to live with that anomaly.

They’d arrived at Gil’s office and Gil opened the door and looked at Nick as he leaned back on the couch. He might as well get it over with.

“Sara shot herself through her mouth; the bullet exited the back of her skull. Warrick saw it and says she just did it, no preamble or threats – just did it. I’m going to get us all some coffee. Come on Warrick sit down. There was nothing anyone could do.”

“It was my fault Grissom…I was shouting at her…”

“No, it wasn’t; Warrick, it was Sara’s choice. No one else. She chose to do it, you didn’t make her or influence her…think about her Warrick, she’s a…was…a woman with problems, we all knew…but did anyone, did I, think that she was suicidal? No, it never crossed my mind.”

“No.”

“’Rick it wasn’t your fault it was me…I set her off, telling her…”

“Nick it was NOT your fault. It was NOT Warrick’s fault…no one forces someone to kill themselves - it was Sara’s choice. The most blame will fall to me as her supervisor for not noticing that Sara was a woman in need of care. I didn’t see it.”

The three remained silent. Gil standing, leaning on his desk, the other two men seated. All of them lost in thought.

Greg came to the door. “You okay in here?”

“Greg; as okay as we can be…you?”

“Suppose I am…in denial…I can’t really take it in.”

“Right. That’s right. Could you make us all a coffee, d’you think?”

“Yeah, something to do.”

“Sugar, Greg.” Greg turned around as he left. “Put sugar in all of them, I think we need it.” Greg nodded.

“How are you feeling Nick?”

“Tired.”

“I….” Gil was interrupted by Jim coming into the office.

“The scene is secured and I’ve notified the sheriff and Ecklie…asked him for the day shift to process. He’s agreed and he’ll be in, in a few….

“I just heard the shouting and went to investigate, Greg and me…well we arrived just as it happened…didn’t see the argument…you’re going to have to give a full account Warrick. It seems at least half the lab saw and heard your argument and some of them followed you out into the lot…there’ll be a lot of witnesses…all of them professionals…should get it right.”

“Jim…there’s got to be more to this than just tonight…would Sara just go out and kill herself like that...there’s got to be some background.”

“Oh, I bet your bottom dollar there’ll be background. Look, I’m going to have to stand down on this as well as your shift…but I’ll keep an eye on things…make sure that no one gets in the way…don’t want any compromised evidence eh, Gil?”

“No…I don’t think anyone will want that…wouldn’t be right, would it?”

“No.”

They all sat or stood there for a minute or two shocked and unspeaking all thinking thoughts of Sara. Nick and Warrick convinced of their guilt in her death. Gil puzzled by her actions and worried about Nick and his reaction. Jim at the nature of ‘shit’ and its course through their lives.

Greg came in with a tray of coffees. “Got one for you Jim, thought you might be here.”

Jim, Gil, Warrick and Greg all took coffees but Nick just sat there. Gil sat down beside him and put his free arm around his shoulders and gave Nick his coffee.

“Come on Nick try and get this down you….shouldn’t taste too bad, it’s Greg’s coffee.”

“Ruined, man, it’s got sugar in it.”

Nick sighed at Greg’s observation and took the mug from Gil’s hands and wrapped his own hands around the mug. Greg reached over and handed the last coffee to Gil. The silence resumed as they all sipped the hot drinks.

Nick put his mug down and his head fell onto Gil’s shoulder and then he simply fell asleep. This was a man, Gil thought, at the very edge of an emotional and physical precipice; in a few hours his diagnosis could deliver his own death sentence. Would he then carry the extra burden of Sara’s suicide around on his shoulders?

As Gil sat there - the weight of Nick’s head on his shoulder – he thought about the events of the last days. How, in less than a week he’d come to love a man, want a man, more than he could ever have imagined. A love and want he’d never felt before. How had it happened?

He knew that Sara was troubled and that she needed help - had he been blind to the extent of her needs? Had he ever considered that she was suicidal?

Had his new love blinded him or was he just blind? Nick had been sick for months, he could see that now; was Sara as emotionally sick as Nick was physically sick and he’d just not noticed that either? Or noticed both and chosen to ignore it? Sara and Nick - they were intrinsically linked – and yet complete opposites. His love for one had surely caused the death of the other.

Gil’s mind was in turmoil with question after question and he knew that some of the questions would never be answered. The most powerful emotion he’d ever felt was for the young man who now lay asleep next to him and yet…was this love now going to burn and die on the pyre of their combined guilt?

He sat with his head on the back of the couch, his eyes closed as scalding hot tears burned their way down his cheeks. He didn’t know for what or for whom he was crying the silent tears; the loss of love, the loss of Nick, the loss of Sara? Sara would have the last word if he allowed her death to consume himself and Nick. She was dead by her own hand but it was as if she had also fired silent bullets into him and Nick as a parting gift. Their lives would slowly bleed away.

‘If I can’t have love then neither will you; why should Nick have what I can’t?’ It was almost as if Gil could hear Sara say the words to him in her sulky, petulant voice. But she had chosen to die.

Nick didn’t want to die. Nick wanted to live. Nick wanted to love. Nick wanted to live and love him. Sara was dead and that was her choice, not Nick’s choice and not his choice. Her choice. Her fucking choice. And he would be damned to hell himself if he was going to allow her to ruin Nick’s life and Nick’s love.

Philip Kane. Philip Kane was going to see Nick Stokes and was going to work with Nick Stokes for as long as it took him to convince Nick Stokes that it wasn’t his fault and that loving Gil Grissom was the right thing to do.

Gil opened his eyes, the tears had dried up. He wasn’t sure, exactly, how long they’d all been sitting there but his coffee, his mug still half full, was cold. The other three men were still sitting in the room. Greg was actually sitting in his chair, his chin resting on his hand. Jim and Warrick sat in the seats on the other side of his desk.

“Gentlemen.” The three men looked at him as he’d whispered the word at them. “We can wallow and we can assimilate guilt and think what we could’ve done to change this outcome. But it’s done. Sara Sidle killed herself. An examination of her life may give us, if we’re lucky, an understanding of why she did this but I’ll be damned if I’ll let her act of suicide condemn us all to a life of ‘what ifs’, I may have to take a lot of the blame over this and I will accept it but I did not pull the trigger, she did this to herself. I think it would be sensible for you, Warrick, to repeat that to yourself at regular intervals.

“You’ll be referred to Philip Kane for evaluation and until he assures me that you are not riddled with guilt you will continue to see him…the same goes for you Greg...though you are less involved. Jim, you do what you need to but I trust you to be sensible about this.”

“I’ve been thinking the same Gil…she’s not going to come back and say this was a joke...it’s the real deal but it was her deal not anyone else’s. Look you guys stay here I’m going to find out what happened.”

“Where’s Catherine?” Gil suddenly remembered his most senior CSI…he hadn’t seen her since assignments.

“She went straight out to the DB you gave her.” Warrick replied.

“Does she know?”

“Don’t know…I haven’t told her, but someone else might have. But then we haven’t heard from her so it’s more likely she doesn’t know.”

“Stay here with Nick and I’ll go call her.”

Gil made his way to the break room and called Catherine’s cell. She answered after a few rings. “Gil?”

“Hey, Catherine, how’s it going?”

“Fine, no problems…what’s wrong?”

She could read him well after all these years. “There’s been an incident here at the labs Cath…a serious incident.”

“Well come on…spill.” Catherine knew that getting information out of Gil if he didn’t really want to give it was like pulling teeth.

“Prepare yourself Catherine, it’s bad news.” Gil took a deep breath and Catherine heard it over the line. “Sara is dead….”

“Wha…did you say….”

“Yes I did; she killed herself here in the lot, gunshot wound to the head.”

“Jesus Christ Gil…what the fuck happened?”

Apart from the surprise, Catherine, Gil thought, didn’t seem unduly upset by the news. “She got very upset with something Nick said to her…an innocent remark and she bad mouthed him…Warrick called her on it and they argued; she went out to her truck, sat in the driver’s seat and shot herself…no lead in just did it. In front of a number of people.”

Gil was warmed by her next words and took it as a measure of her feelings towards Sara.

“How’s Nicky?”

“Guilt ridden…as is Warrick.”

“Yeah, I bet. Gil…she was a psycho…you know I’m just relieved she didn’t take any one with her…I wouldn’t have put it past her.”

“Oh God, Catherine why didn’t I see it?”

“I’m using twenty-twenty hindsight here Gil…but I’m…well...I’m just not that surprised. You’ve got to take care of Nick, you know that don’t you? He needs you more than ever now to take care of him; he always has, I was waiting for you to notice, it’s taken you long enough.”

“Did everyone know but me?”

“Yeah…except Sara. Look, another hour tops and I’ll be finished here and then I’ll be back in…okay?”

“Yes. Thank you Catherine. You keep me grounded.”

“I do hope you don’t mean like your mom.”

“No I don’t. See you soon. Bye.”

“Bye.”

A colleague’s suicide, a young man’s physical health causing serious concern, not to mention the emotional turmoil; then there was the works fallout about tonight. All this and she could make a joke, albeit lame. The ‘human condition’ was indeed a strange thing.

He rubbed a hand over his face and had intended to go back to his office…’to take care of Nick’. But that would have been too easy.

“What motherfucking shit’s hit the fan tonight, Grissom?”

“Thanks for asking, Conrad, I feel okay.”

“Don’t pull that ‘sarcastic bastard’ act on me; you won’t be able to worm your intellectual ass out of this.”

“Nothing to worm my way out of Conrad. Sara killed herself and even my ‘intellect’ didn’t see that coming. I don’t think anyone saw this coming…no history of this type of behaviour…” He put his hand up to silence Conrad. “…I know darn well she had issues and you called me on them but did you think for one minute this was about to happen? If you had then you should have called it and if I had even suspected then I should…but I just spoke to Catherine and as she said, ‘everything’s different with hindsight’.”

“You will be held responsible Grissom, and I, for one, will do my level best to make sure you pay. This is your job I’m talking about and I think you’re about to kiss it goodbye.”

“Fine. Do whatever…. I’ve got things to do right now.” He left the break room and Conrad Ecklie, who was incandescent with anger.

He walked back into his office and found just Warrick and Nick. Warrick slumped in his seat and Nick was still asleep but on his side with his legs now up on the couch. He looked comfortable and almost carefree...but even in the subdued light, the dark circles under his eyes and his very pale skin accentuated his sickness, making him look very ill.

Gil looked down at his watch. The doctor’s appointment was at ten….it was barely midnight…he was surprised that it wasn’t much later; so much had happened…well one major thing had happened. As he looked at Nick again he thought that in fact two major things had occurred. They had kissed. Their first kiss. All their lives would be changed in some way by the events of this night.

“Warrick, do you know when they want to interview you?”

“No, Jim hasn’t come back yet.”

“Right, stay here; I’ll go see what’s happening.”

He found a couple of day shift CSIs processing the scene. David was standing by to take the body to the morgue. Ecklie was talking to a cop who also worked days. Peters, he thought that was his name.

Ecklie caught his eye and the two men walked over to him.

“Grissom. Peters is going to run with this investigation. Brown first.”

“Good. He’s in my office. Have you seen Brass?” He led the men back to his office.

Ecklie responded to his question. “Brass has other fish to fry.”

Nick was still asleep. Warrick stood as the men entered.

Ecklie stopped in his tracks. “And what exactly have we got here?” He was staring at Nick.

“Nick is sick and at ten this morning, he hopes to find out what’s wrong with him.” Gil lowered his voice to a whisper as he turned away from Nick and faced Ecklie and Peters. “It’s his illness that sparked this incident. Sara believed that I was paying too much attention to Nick and not enough to her. I had Nick stay at my house last night because he lives alone and, as you can see he’s clearly very sick. Nick told Sara this and I gather that she…well, you’ll get the story. Actually maybe you should start with Nick, get it out of the way…and it did start the sequence of events leading to her death.”

Peters spoke. “Sounds like a plan. Can I stay in here?”

“Of course…I’ll wake him up…please bear in mind that he’s sick.”

Gil roused Nick from his sleep and the moment Nick came around Gil could see the torment on the man’s face. He explained what was about to happen and with a reassuring squeeze to his shoulder left them alone.

He went with Warrick to the break room and had some more coffee. Greg had gone to the scene he should have attended earlier. They sat and waited. For nearly an hour; Gil was getting impatient. He’d ‘phoned Jim who’d told him Ecklie had told him to get lost, he hadn’t called Gil in case he was with Ecklie. But there was nothing that Jim could tell him that he didn’t already know. Except that Peters played Ecklie’s game for the quiet life…or so Ecklie thought…but he was one of the good guys. Gil was heartened by the news.

After the call to Brass had finished he’d stood up and sat down. He’d picked up a journal and put it down. He’d had another coffee. He took a piss. He tried deep breathing; he tried to calm himself and usually he was a master of calm. Nothing worked tonight.

Catherine arrived back and came straight in to see them. They both looked at her. She walked over to Warrick and as he stood she enveloped him in a hug. She then turned her attention to Gil.

“I wouldn’t normally but you probably could do with it.” She then gave him a similar hug.

The hugs left both men more relaxed than they’d been minutes before.

Before any of them could speak Ecklie arrived in their midst.

“Grissom, we’ve finished with Stokes…Nick, you should, maybe, take him home. Can we see you first though, just for a preliminary statement and then you can take him home?”

“What’s wrong, Conrad? What’s happened?” Gil left the break room with Ecklie on his heels.

“Grissom stop. Gil, stop a minute.” Ecklie’s tone was pleading. Not a tone that Gil had heard Ecklie use before.

Gil turned and faced him and with enormous self restraint spat out. “What have you done to him?”

“Nothing Gil. Really. He’s done it all to himself. I concede that he’s ill…even before we started he looked like death warmed over…but he’s convinced it’s his fault and while I know he’s given as much information as he possibly can about what happened tonight and last night - he’s also given us quite an insight into how she’s been with the shift - and you - over the last year or so. He’s wiped out now…I hope he’s going to get better Gil, I really do….” Ecklie stopped at the miserable look from Gil.

“What do you want from me?”

“Can you run through it? We can tape it and get it typed up.”

“Yeah.” Gil turned and walked the last few yards to his office. Nick was on the couch and Peters was with him with an arm around his shoulders. Nick looked so much worse than he had before that Gil was taken aback.

“No, I can’t speak to you…Nick needs to be in the hospital…now. Get the paramedics Conrad; he’s on the verge of collapse.”

Ecklie stood there as if seeing Nick for the first time. He saw that Gil was right. His immediate thought was that there could well be two deaths in the lab. He shook himself and reached for the desk ‘phone; he dialled and reception answered and he issued the instruction.

Gil sat on the other side of Nick and lifted his chin with his hand, as his face came into his full view he could see that Nick had been crying. His face was swollen and puffy and his eyes red and equally swollen…but there was more, something Gil had not seen before. A vacant uncomprehending look…a look of a man about to lose consciousness. Even as he thought this, Nick’s eyes rolled back in his head and his body started to slump. Gil pulled him towards him and held him. Peters relinquished his hold. Gil stood and gently placed Nick in the recovery position on the couch…Peters taking his legs.

Gil checked his pulse, which actually seemed to be strong and steady, if a little slow. His breathing was regular and okay…perhaps it was just extreme exhaustion. Nevertheless, he looked too ill for Gil to consider anything other than a hospital visit. Even if all he needed was checking out.

“He’s put up with a lot, Dr Grissom, and now it seems he’s certain he’s going to die…she certainly sowed her seeds good and deep.” Peters whispered this to Gil.

Gil nodded, he couldn’t speak. Peters’ cell buzzed and he walked away as he answered. He listened and stood still in his tracks; he slowly turned to look at Gil Grissom, the shock on his face plain to see,

“I understand, thanks. I want this investigated; be as thorough as you’ve ever been. Don’t miss a trick.”

He finished the call and both Gil and Ecklie looked at him expectantly.

“Dr Grissom, are you aware of Sara Sidle’s obsession with you?”

“Well…I don’t know about ‘obsession’, but she’s indicated in the past that maybe we should go out…date…I suppose. But I never have…I don’t…she was not my…type. Why, what is it?”

“Her apartment, Dr Grissom, is apparently some sort of shrine to you; decked out in hundreds if not thousands of photographs of you, at crime scenes and, it would seem, in private.”

Gil was speechless; Ecklie too. Peters spoke.

“I propose to interview Warrick now…get the finer details of his argument with Sidle.” He went to leave but turned around again. “By the way Dr Grissom, Nick told us everything about you two; I want you to know that I will not be putting any of that in my report.” Peters turned and left as he saw Gil nod at him.

“I can’t say the same thing Gil, because I will have to inform the Sheriff, but Nick also said that you were going to speak to ‘the suits’, as he called them. I believe him.”

“Thanks Conrad. Would you have believed me, I wonder?”

Ecklie shrugged. “We’re not friends and we don’t get on but I wouldn’t deliberately…you’re an arrogant bastard and you need a dose of humility, bring you down to our level.”

“I would challenge you Conrad, but now’s not the time.”

“No. I’ll go wait for the paramedics”

Gil didn’t respond. He pulled a chair over and sat down by the couch. He smoothed Nick’s brow. Nick didn’t appear to have a temperature. Gil tried to judge the beat of his heart and he thought it was maybe sixty beats a minute…which did seem a bit slow, even for resting, but it was a strong and rhythmic beat.

He thought back to his resolve earlier - that he’d get Nick to have therapy with Philip Kane. He knew that it would probably be hard going, for all three of them more than likely. But one thing Gil knew about himself was that he was tenacious. He wanted Nick and he would have him…now that he knew he could, he’d hang in there for the ride. He wasn’t in the least fazed that it could be a bumpy ride full of twists and turns; he was a rollercoaster guy…he’d respond and adapt. And so would Nick.

He sat with his hand resting on Nick’s shoulder. He suddenly thought that he hadn’t tried to rouse Nick. Fuck. How stupid was that. “Nick, hey, Nicky, sleepyhead, can you hear me?”

To his astonishment Nick started to respond. He may well just have been asleep or maybe he’d fainted. He leaned in close to Nick and whispered to him.

“Nicky, you okay, can you speak?”

“Mmmm, Gil, will you stay with me?”

“Of course I will. Look, how are you feeling…really feeling, Nick?”

“Bad. I feel real bad.”

“We called the paramedics Nick, I think you passed out.”

“Oh, man…don’t let them…take me to the hospital. I hate hospitals…and doctors.”

“I know you do, you told me, but Nicky, I’d rather you be upset about that, than be really bad. Do you understand?”

“S’pose…”

“Nick, hey, try to stay awake. If I can tell them that I can keep you awake a bit then maybe they won’t take you to the hospital. But, whatever; I want you safe and sound and if that means the hospital, that means the hospital”

“Boss...man.”

Just then there were unfamiliar sounds outside the office and two paramedics were shown in by Ecklie, who then retreated.

“What have we got here then?”

Gil explained what had happened that night and then outlined Nick’s illness and the expected test results later that morning. Nick did stay awake and even managed to sit up under his own steam. He looked like shit - there was no denying that. He also made a real effort to answer all the questions that one of the paramedics put to him.

The silent paramedic had been conducting tests around his partner. Pulse, temperature, blood pressure, blood glucose. He checked Nick’s pupils and finished off by checking his reflexes.

“All the readings are good. The pulse and blood pressure are a little low but just within the acceptable range. I’d be inclined to keep your doctor’s appointment and take it from there. Of course, if there is any deterioration then call us again or take him to an ER. I would also recommend that he’s not left alone.” The last part of the conversation had been aimed at Gil and he responded.

“I’ll stay with him.”

Nick wasn’t going to be outdone, his desire to stay out of the hospital giving him the impetus to give his own assurance. “I’ve managed for a couple of weeks; I’m going to be good to go for a couple more hours.”

They were all in agreement, so the paramedics left empty handed.

“I don’t think I realised just how bad you’ve been Nick. If it wasn’t for your strength of character I bet you’d have been in a state of collapse before now.”

“It’s been getting a lot worse these last few days. Gil, I’m…really scared. Have you googled anything?”

“No.”

“Nor me…y’know what Sara said, about me dying, will you hold me, Gil?”

“Nick. Nicky. You know what? If that woman hadn’t killed herself I think I may have murdered her.” Gil whispered this to Nick but he was on the verge of tears, he could feel the pressure in his eyes and his throat closing up. Ecklie was right, he was arrogant son-of-a-bitch to assume he knew what was going on; he’d assumed he could get Sara to act like a functioning human being.

Look what that arrogance had caused; maybe it was time to move on, the lab needed young blood. But one thing he was absolutely sure about; he wouldn’t be leaving Nick Stokes’ side for a very long time.

“Just in case Gil; I need to know.” Nick’s whisper brought him back to the present.

“Nick. I can assure you that I’m going to attach myself to you come what may…in fact you’re probably going to end up pushing me away,”

“Never. That ain’t going to happen.”

“Ecklie’s given us permission to leave, come on lets go home.

“Is that your home?”

“It might even become ‘our’ home.”

“God, Gil…you certainly know how to turn a guy’s head,”

And just like that the mood was lightened and Nick gave a good go at his megawatt smile…and they shared their second kiss.

They left without saying their goodbyes to anyone, Gil thought it would be quicker and easier – though he called Ecklie’s cell to tell him of their low key departure. Ecklie even wished Nick ‘good luck’ and Gil was almost, but not quite, certain he was being sincere.

Back at Gil’s ‘home’ he made toast and gave Nick some cereal – Nick actually ate most of this but was about to fall asleep with his head in the dish so Gil helped him to the bedroom and took Nick's clothes off without too much help but Nick was happier than he had been…at least Gil thought he was as he had a dopey smile on his face.

“Hey, you called me ‘sweetheart’.” This was Nick’s second time of mentioning this endearment

“I did…d’you like it?”

“Yep…I do. Gil it wasn’t my fault about Sara, was it?”

“No, it wasn’t. Hold that thought Nicky…sweetheart.”

“I will. I’ll try. I love you, y’know.”

“Thank goodness; here I was thinking my love for you was unrequited.”

“You didn’t?”

“No, I didn’t. Come on, sleep and in no time we’ll know what’s wrong and we can sort that out…what do you say to that?”

“You love me.”

“Yes I do. I love you Nicky Stokes. Now sleep.”

Nick lay back on the bed, closed his eyes and complied…still smiling.

Gil set the alarm for eight am, although he didn’t get in bed…this was the middle of his day. He tidied up and found himself seated at his computer. His finger hovering over his internet browser button and then his ‘favourites’…. To google or not to google…he knew Nick had been too scared, as he’d suspected, but he was exactly the same. He could find a nice little illness that fit the bill...and be convinced that Nick was going to be absolutely fine…but he could find something awful and be convinced that Sara would get her dying wish.

Sara. Jesus, he hadn’t thought about her for at least an hour. How does something like that get pushed aside? What about those photographs? When had she taken them…what about the private ones…had she captured Nick in the last few days? He didn’t think so - but he’d have to wait to see them

He could lose his job over this, he knew that. He’d cross that bridge if he had to; he’d already decided that his life was with Nick, if Nick would have him. How come that decision had been so easy and so quick? What if, after being together for a little while they realised that it was a mistake?

‘Gil Grissom pull yourself together – you want this like you’ve never wanted anything else. It was an easy decision to make because it was the right decision. He was right there in front of you for over three years and you didn’t realise…you’ve got lost time to make up…..’

He sat back in his seat; turned off the computer and resettled himself on his couch with the Discovery Channel. The next thing he knew Nick was leaning on the door jamb of the room.

“Hey, wake up, man. Your alarm could wake the dead, y’know that?”

“God Nick, what time is it?”

“Just a little after eight. I feel better Gil…well better than yesterday…I’m going to shower, is that okay?”

“Good, yes.” Nick left, only to return within seconds.

“Good morning. I love you.”

“Morning Nick. Go shower; I’ll do some breakfast…not toast…I love you too.” Was it really that easy?

They smiled at one another and Nick left a second time. Gil tried to haul himself to his feet but his knees were virtually locked and very painful. He blew out a breath and gave them a rigorous rubbing with his hands and then tried to stand again. This time successfully, but they hurt and he thought he’d better get some stuff to rub into them. God, he was getting old.

Nick. Nicky was much younger. Nick liked older men, he’d told him that on his cell the other day. Nicky was a younger man. ‘Shut the fuck up.’ Gil silently shouted at the voice in his head. ‘Shut the fuck up - I’m not listening.’

Gil found waffles and bacon and eggs. He put the coffee pot on and went to the bathroom.

Nick was in the shower and the room was steamed up. “Hey, Nick. Just taking a leak here.” And he did. When he finished and was washing his hands he glanced in the mirror and saw Nick smiling at him from the shower.

“You watching me?”

“Might be; what’s it to you?”

“Not used to it, I’m usually able to use my bathroom without an audience.”

“Well get used to it, ‘cause I aim to do a lot of staring, gotta lot of catching up to do.”

“Fair enough. Don’t forget to wash behind your ears.”

“Issuing orders? Want to be a ‘dom’, eh?”

The question caused Gil to gasp in shock, he’d only been joking... “NO. No. No. Do you want…are you a….” Gil was blushing; he’d never considered that AT ALL.

“Don’t get your pants in a twist, I’m only joking. I’m not a sub, although one guy did try to make me…not my scene…but I don’t mind, you know…a bit of playing…if you get my drift.” Nick was about five hundred percent better than he’d been, not five hours ago, and he definitely loved a confused and blushing Gil Grissom.

Gil’s equilibrium had been thrown off centre by Nick’s remark…he was not used to interacting on such a personal level…he’d lost the ability…but he was sure he’d rediscover it…it wasn’t like he’d never thought about these things...it’d just been a long time.

He was still cooking breakfast when Nick appeared. He’d scrubbed up well…and looked much better than he’d done in the last day.

“I don’t think we…I, should be joking, not after Sara…it’s disrespectful.”

“One of the problems of our job is that we become immune to death…when it happens to one of our own it throws us. Sara...well what can I say Nick…I think there’s more to it than I realised. Last night Peters told me that her apartment is covered in ‘photos of me…hundreds at least…crime scenes and personal, he said. I wonder if she’d seen us together.”

“Jesus, Gil how…what…I don’t think she’d seen us because she was so shocked when I told her that I was staying with you…but ‘photos Gil; was she stalking you?”

“I’ve no idea…I never saw her take a shot of me…but if we were at a scene I wouldn’t be looking at her, would I?”

“This is a bit surreal isn’t it…you think you know someone and this happens…I would never have put her down as a suicidal type, never, and now this. Weird shit.”

“You seem better, Nick.”

“You know what’s happened to me in the past and I’m sensible enough in the light of day to see this wasn’t my fault…anymore than any of the other stuff. I’ll learn to deal, I promise you that. Man, I didn’t lust after you for all this time to screw up. I didn’t pull the trigger…didn’t you say last night it was her ‘choice’?”

“I did…you remember?”

“I do Gil, and you’re right. I don’t know what I could have done to change things with Sara…she was a closed book and I know I tried with her; I did.”

“If I’m honest I’d say you tried more than anyone else and that includes me…but like you, I never dreamed she’d kill herself.”

“No…what about her family?”

“Fuck!”

“Yes please…what?”

Gil had dropped the pan he was using to cook the eggs and shot out of the kitchen. Nick, torn between following Gil and salvaging the eggs, had to choose the eggs - he didn’t want burned eggs, nor a burned pan to clean.

Gil came back into the kitchen, holding his cell up and speaking in to it.

”Thank God for that Conrad, it never crossed my mind once. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t get used to it.”

“Thanks. Bye.”

“What was all that about, we nearly had burned eggs?”

“I forgot to inform Sara’s relatives. Conrad did it…an aunt and uncle back in San Francisco. Never crossed my fucking mind.”

“And you had to apologise to Ecklie?”

“I did; he said he liked the sound of me being contrite.”

“Ha! Eggs are done. Come on lets get breakfast and then get to the doctor’s office. Find out the damage.”

Gil stared at Nick as he piled the eggs on to the plates, already warmed and stacked with the bacon and waffles.

“I love you Nick. I can hardly believe this…I love you.”

“You do, do you?” Nick put the hot pan down and pulled Gil’s shirt and therefore Gil, towards him.

This was a proper kiss…a tongues and lips and teeth and gasping for breath kind of kiss. When they pulled apart to get some air there was no doubting the lust and love mirrored in their eyes.

“Breakfast. Doctor. Back here, and bed. And I don’t care how tired I am, Gil Grissom, we are going to DO something…just keep waking me up, okay?” He laughed.

“Jesus, Nick if you’re like this when you’re ill what are you like when you’ve got a full tank?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe man…like you wouldn’t believe!”

“I might just be in for the ride of my life then?”

“Oh yes. It’s a promise.”

Gil was speechless and as hard as he could ever remember being.

“You may be hot, man…” Nick had noticed his tented pants. “…but this breakfast is getting cold, fast…come on.” He put the plates on the table without losing eye contact with Gil.

“Nick…what have I let myself in for?”

Nick started to eat his meal and just shrugged around a mouthful of waffle, egg and bacon.

Gil sat down, rather cautiously, and started his breakfast. There was no doubt at all that Nick was a lot better than yesterday…although he was still very pale and the dark circles beneath his eyes hadn’t moved…he had a lightness about him…Gil had never seen before.

As he ate his breakfast, Gil pondered that there was no fool like an old fool…but did he care…no...he fucking didn’t and smirked around a mouthful of food.

“Should I be worried about that evil glint you have in you eyes there, Dr Grissom?”

Nick’s Texan drawl pulled at his balls - he was absolutely sure of it. “I think I can say with some certainty Mr Stokes that it does indeed mean you should be worried.”

“Mmmm…don’t you think these eggs are cooked to perfection?”

“I can’t taste them…just you, your taste….”

“Really…now that’s nice…real nice…you know you’ve got to sit through a doctor’s visit and you can’t possibly be seen in public, rutting up against me…now, in private…”

Gil was finally speechless…mug held mid point between the table and his mouth as he saw himself rubbing up against Nick’s leg…his groin…like a dog after a bitch.

“You gotta have your shower yet, man…do you need a cock ring to stop any unseemly emissions?” Nick was in his element…he’d never been able to have Gil at his mercy and he knew he was good at this game…he just knew it….

“Nick…” That was the extent of Gil’s reply and Nick laughed and took the mug, still held in mid air, out of Gil’s hand.

“Go have a cold shower; I promise not to tease you any more until after we’ve been to the docs. I’ll get the dishes…come on…Planet Earth to Grissom?”

“I’ll go shower…cold like you said.” Gil got up and he limped in a rather haphazard fashion out if the kitchen. Nick watched him go smiling his usual smile, but the smile was gone as soon as Gil was…the Doc…what was wrong with him…would he be able to keep his promise to Gil…God he hoped so…..

He tidied up and he wasn’t many minutes into the task before his exhaustion returned. He would know why soon…he really hoped that he’d know and didn’t need any more tests and that he could fight it. He took a deep breath and returned to Gil’s bedroom and before putting on some decent clothes he sat on the bed to rest. He was still there when Gil emerged from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his middle.

“Exertion caught up with you?” He sat on the bed and put his arm around Nick’s shoulders. Nick leaned into him and Gil kissed his hair. They sat like that for a couple of minutes.

“I’ll get dressed…I’ve got a clean shirt and jeans, that’ll do.” Nick roused himself.

“A good look on you.” Gil squeezed Nick’s shoulder. “It’s going to be good…I said before I can feel it in my old bones.”

“Yeah, and you’ve been replaced by a pod person - having hunches indeed - but I love this alien guy.”

“Good. That’s settled then. Come on.”

They both dressed. Nick had cleaned his teeth and took his last piss before going out…he smiled as he got just a few drops from his bladder…his Momma always sent him to have a last pee before they went out…well him and his sisters and he was always last in the queue…the bullies!

What was he going to have to tell his Momma and Daddy…he’d never kept a bad secret from them before and he knew he would get a hollering from both of them…but then he’d cry with his Momma and she’d love him and pet him and make him better.

Finally ready and with plenty of time to get to the doctor’s office they set out and Nick was as scared as he could ever remember being.

The drive was uneventful. Nick couldn’t speak and Gil didn’t. At every opportunity he let his hand stray over to Nick’s leg and laid it there for a few moments. He knew Nick calmed a little when he did it. They pulled up in the lot by the doctor’s office. Gil killed the engine. And sat back, taking a deep breath.

“Whatever, Nick. Whatever; I’m with you every step of the way, by your side. Promise me you’ll remember that?”

“I don’t want to hold you to it, Gil…if this is…more…I don’t want to tie you down…”

“Nick…stop that and promise me.”

“I promise.” Nick’s eyes were brimming with tears. It seemed like a million miles and a million years since the kitchen.

Gil leaned over and moved Nick’s head around with a hand on the back of his head. He kissed him lightly on the lips and smiled. Then without further ado, he took the keys out of the ignition and opened his door.

“Come on.” An order issued and understood. Nick got out of the truck and joined Gil by the driver’s door. Side by side they entered the waiting room and Nick booked in with the receptionist and then took a seat to wait his turn.

The wait was much longer than the last time they’d been and although Gil was deliberately trying to keep himself calm he could feel Nick becoming restless…fidgeting and sighing.

“Nick.”

“I know, I know, calm down…relax…but that’s easier said that done…God, what’s taking so long?”

“I don’t know anymore than you do, but the doctor can’t just throw a patient out of the office just because his next patient is due…it’ll take as long as it takes. ” Gil tried a little smile and, as he’d done in the car, rested his hand on Nick’s leg. A woman seated opposite stared at them and then raised her eyebrows at them. Gil raised his eyebrows back and she looked down at the magazine she was holding, embarrassed.

Nick, having seen the exchange smiled to himself…who’d have figured Gil was gay…why hadn’t he? He was a little more relaxed than he’d been moments before and jumped when he heard his name called out. Dr Joyson himself had called Nick’s name.

He got up from his seat so quickly he staggered a little, but Gil was right beside him holding him around the waist and smiling at him. Dr Joyson held a file in his hand and waved at them to follow him. They did; both men feeling their guts twist in anticipation of the next few minutes.

Nick followed the doctor and Gil followed Nick into the room.

“Take a seat, gentlemen.” Dr Joyson smiled, still waving the file.

“Thanks Doc…Doctor.” Nick was trying to take deep breaths and keep calm. He didn’t want to appear desperate. But, in fact, that was exactly what he felt.

At this visit, Gil pulled his chair right up beside Nick and took Nick’s nearest hand in both of his as he leaned towards him.

“You’re obviously still happy for…your supervisor to remain in the room with you.”

“Yes…he’s actually more than my supervisor…actually.”

“Right…I thought so…actually. I must say your physical condition seems to have deteriorated over the week…faster than I’d supposed but given the results…I’m not too surprised.”

Nick and Gil both stiffened at the doctor’s remarks.

“Okay Doc…come on, spill….”

“Of course. Have you heard of hypothyroidism, Nick?”

“No…do you mean under active thyroid?”

“Yes...that’s it exactly. Judging from the initial blood tests Nick your thyroid function is very low indeed…I wonder how you’ve kept going…my guess is that it may have been on a steady decline for years. Anyway, very easy treatment - a pill or two a day - I’m going to give you Levothyroxine to take…but I’m going to make a referral to an endocrinologist for further tests to see if there is any underlying cause. Sometime there is and sometimes there isn’t…it’s not an exact science I’m afraid. But rest assured once we can find the right dose, this or a similar drug once a day and you’ll be absolutely fine.”

Nick sat there taking it all in…it was unreal…it was treatable…he wasn’t going to die…he had Gil…he suddenly grinned.

“I’m going to be okay…is that what you’re saying?”

“I would think so…there were no other abnormalities in all the tests we ran. Like I say you’ve got to see the specialist but I would think it’ll be plain sailing for you…otherwise fit and healthy…regular blood tests to assess the effectiveness of the drug you’ll be taking. I think it’ll probably take a couple of months to stabilise you…find the right level of drugs to keep your readings stable. I bet you’ll start feeling a lot better in a few weeks…although I’m only going to give you a low…sort of holding…dose until you’ve seen the endocrinologist. Any questions?”

“Do you know I was convinced it was really serious man, I’ve felt really bad…and it’s just an under active thyroid.”

“Nicky…” Gil began.

“Nick….” The doctor began….and then continued when Gil nodded to him. “It is a serious condition, I don’t want you to think it’s a ride in the park; it’s a life time condition - it’ll never go away but it is treatable, as I said, and containable and properly managed you’ll have no longstanding problems or side effects, the depression that your…supervisor…diagnosed is a well documented symptom…and constipation…and if you think how long you’ve suffered with that, it may give you an indication of how long the function has been deteriorating.”

“Years, Doc, it been years…probably since college.”

“There you go then. Any more questions? Most people are taken aback and then go and yahoo and google for all they’re worth…you may find some useful stuff…but on the other hand…I don’t tell you how to collect evidence at a crime scene do I?”

“Message understood…one pill, maybe two, you said?”

“Once a day. I’ll give you a prescription and arrange an appointment for you; all you’ll have to do when the correct levels are determined is as I said….regular blood tests just for us to keep an eye on it.”

“What about work?”

“What about it? No problem whatsoever. Doesn’t effect driving or anything like that…you may also experience benefits…better memory function, more energy than you’ve probably had for a long time.” The doctor then addressed Gil.

“You were going to ask?”

“I was…about work, but you’ve already answered.”

“Look, I’m being deliberately low key here…the endocrinologist will be able to give you far more information and she’ll do all the tests necessary to try and discover any cause…but I do know sometimes an under active thyroid is just that…and nothing else.”

“That’s it?” Nick was still incredulous and his grin was making his face ache…his muscles had obviously forgotten their routine.

“It is. In this day and age and with all the possibilities I’m sure when it’s sunk in you’ll be relieved.”

“I don’t need it to sink in anymore. I can and will cope with this and I do have my partner by my side.” Nick turned his smile towards Gil and was rewarded with a smile of his own.

“Where do I make the appointment to see the endo…doc?”

“I took the liberty of doing it for you. On Monday, at ten again, in her consulting rooms at Desert Palm, Dr Soorae…a favourite of mine I must say, most efficient. You need to go over there now if you can so they can take another blood sample before you start the meds…you can take a pill straight after the blood test. They are expecting you; I thought you’d want to get it done as soon as possible. Am I right?”

“You are doc, thanks a lot.”

“Right, here’s the details and your prescription…any more questions...either of you?”

Both men looked at each and both men shook their heads.

“Good luck then Nick, and please come back and see me as SOON as anything happens in the future…not that I expect to see you any time soon…but I suspect your partner here will make sure you do?”

“I’m afraid to say you’re right doc…no more getting away with anything.”

“A good thing too.” The doctor stood and proffered his hand to Nick who shook it and then Gil followed suit.

They walked out of the office as if on air, and although the excursion had worn out Nick his diagnosis had been such a relief he felt a light heartedness he’d thought had deserted him months ago. He smiled a dopey smile at Gil who slipped his arm around his waist and Gil thanked a God that the puzzle had been solved.

“You and me, babe?”

“You bet your bottom dollar, Nicky. You and me.”

The End

A/N 1: M.thx to all of you who’ve taken the time to read and (especially) to comment on my little offering! I really do appreciate it!
A/N 2: My friend Maz has an underactive thyroid and suffered all of the symptons I've described, although over a much shorter period and much milder...this is fanfic after all! It took her about six months of treatment to get the right dose of the thyroxin substitute and now she's absolutely fine!

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