Recovery

It was only two days after he'd been released and Nick already felt like a pathetic, useless, wimp. He could barely spend more than a couple of minutes on his own before needing to find Gil and attach himself to the other man like a limpet. It was like he was only truly safe and comfortable when he was with Gil, which was ridiculous, but Nick couldn't help himself.

"Hey, easy there, baby boy, you're all right now," Gil greeted, sitting down on the bed beside him.

Nick slowly relaxed his death-grip on the pillow as his lover rubbed his back. Rolling onto his side, he looked up at Gil and said miserably, "I wanted to give you some time to yourself. S'not right, you being forced to be with me 24/7."

Giving him a soft smile, Grissom replied, "Nicky, if I felt the least bit overwhelmed, you'd be the first to know it. And did you ever stop to think that maybe I need to reassure myself that you're okay by having you with me constantly?"

"Well I do," Gil told him. Bending down to kiss his cheek, he continued, "Now then. How about pancakes for breakfast? And Catherine called to ask if she and Lindsey could visit today. What do you think?"

Gil looked at him intently for a long moment, then nodded. "All right. And this afternoon, we've got Michael to see, too."

Flat and inarguable, so Nick just heaved a sigh as he sat up, not actually contradicting Grissom. Not that he'd be able to, since he'd given up the reins of control and definitely didn't want them back yet.

Breakfast turned out to be easier and much better than the day before. He could actually enjoy the taste of his food and grinned when Grissom shook his head indulgently at how much syrup got used. And he didn't throw it back up again after fifteen minutes and a panic attack because Gil had gone to use the bathroom without telling him, which was a bonus.

"Think you can shower and get dressed by yourself? I want to tidy up before Catherine and Lindsey get here," Gil said.

Biting his lip, Nick thought about it then nodded resolutely. "I can keep the door open, right?"

Gil nodded. "I want you to. And call for me if you get scared, I'm only two rooms away."

His stomach grew queasy, the further he got from Gil, but remained in place as he walked to the master bathroom. It was definitely an improvement. The shower was shorter than his usual, but he cleaned up good and then put on his lotion, waiting impatiently for it to dry. Once that was taken care of, he hurriedly got dressed, feeling the walls starting to close in. By the time he returned to the kitchen at a run, despite the residual twinge in his ankle, his heart was racing and he felt mildly faint.

Thankfully, the sight of Gil scrubbing away at the stove calmed him almost right away.

Grissom turned to look at him and frowned. "I told you to call me if you got scared, Nicky. Come here."

Nick walked over to him and was pulled into a tight hug. He sighed deeply, relaxing against his lover, and wrapped his arms around Gil's waist. "Sorry. Just wanted to do it on my own."

"You don't have to, Nicky. That's what I'm here for, remember?" Gil scolded gently. "You don't have to be strong or make decisions. That's my job now."

Gil chuckled and spanked him lightly, pulling away to admonish, "Now you've worn yourself out. Go lie down on the couch and rest. I'll be in shortly to put the rest of your lotion on."

Nick beat a hasty retreat to the sofa. One thing that didn't seem to have altered since his…confinement…was Grissom's ability to dole out the appropriate punishment. So far, in the last forty-eight hours, he'd been cuddled and snuggled and held and comforted…and given a spanking. It had done a hell of a lot more than he could have anticipated to convince him that Gil wasn't going to leave him. Not that the spanking had been because he hadn't really believed that. No. The spanking had been because he'd thrown a tantrum about being out of ice cream, of all things.

Nick flushed with embarrassment just remembering it. He wasn't sure even now what had set him off, but Gil had given him three chances both to calm down and to apologize for breaking dishes, and he'd done neither. He'd been unexpectedly pulled across Grissom's knees at the kitchen table and given a sound spanking on his bare ass; not enough to even really hurt, but enough to cut through his agitation. He'd stopped fussing around the fifth and begged forgiveness by the tenth.

Then there'd been more cuddles on the sofa where Grissom had pried out of him the fear that Gil was going to leave him because of how hideous he looked and what had happened. The rest of the night had been exceptionally good and he'd basked in the attention that his lover had given him, even if he was still embarrassed by the cause.

Gil came in a few minutes later and lifted up Nick's shirt, daubing the antibiotic lotion onto each bite on his back. He blew lightly on each one until it dried, sending shivers of arousal through Nick, though he knew nothing was going to happen. It would probably be a few more days before he was up for anything strenuous, unfortunately.

Nick was drowsing on the sofa, not really watching television, when there was a light knock at the door. Nick woke instantly and looked for Gil, who was already walking to the door and gave him a reassuring look.

"Catherine, Lindsey, it's good to see you," he heard Gil say a few seconds later. "Come on in. Nick's in the living room."

Lindsey ran into the living room and stopped short on seeing Nick. "Wow. You look like you've got chicken pox! You don't, do you? ‘Cause I haven't had it yet and Mom doesn't want me around people who do."

Grinning, relaxing a little, Nick waved it off. "It's fine, Cath. And no, Lindsey, I don't have chicken pox. I just got a lot of bug bites is all. Don't ever play around a fire ant hill or you'll wind up looking like this."

Changing the subject, Nick asked, "Hey, you want to watch some tv? I think we got Finding Nemo around here somewhere."

"Awesome!" Lindsey exclaimed, hopping onto the couch beside Nick. "I can sit with you, right?"

"Um, sure," Nick agreed, a little hesitant. The sudden movement had startled him, but nothing too bad. He smiled and said, a little firmer, "Sure. Lemme find it first."

Gil and Catherine had already headed for the kitchen, so he waved at them as he rifled through the dvd collection. Catherine smiled at him and resumed whatever conversation she and Grissom were having. Whatever it was, Nick was pretty damn sure he was glad not to be present; not from the mildly irritated expression on Gil's face. Probably no one but him would even notice that Grissom wasn't completely calm. Finding the case, he popped it into the player and then settled back on the sofa with Lindsey.

He would just have to keep his fingers crossed that Catherine didn't wind up saying the wrong thing because Nick wasn't the only one on an emotional roller coaster these days. Grissom either just hid it better, or had more control over it, maybe both.

Gil forced a smile and answered, "Best animated feature for the 2003 Academy Awards, among other awards."

"Yes, I know," Catherine replied. "I don't, however, see any kids in this house."

"Oh I don't know, I still like to play in the dirt and with insects," Gil pointed out dryly.

"Catherine, you didn't come here to argue, remember? You're giving Nick all the support he needs to get through this and that includes support of our relationship. If you can't handle that, then you'd best be leaving."

She searched his face for a long moment, then finally sighed. "I don't suppose you have something to drink?"

Gil half-smiled on his way to the refrigerator, returning with two and taking the seat opposite her. "How're things at work?"

"Busy, especially without you and Nick there," she answered honestly. "Warrick jumped at the chance to take a hand at running graveyard, and of course that put Sara in a whole ‘nother zip code of Bitch to deal with."

Relieved that she was coming around, Gil kept the conversation on work for the remaining hour that she was there. The less chance she had to stray back into ‘unsupportive,' the better, in his opinion. As it was, whenever Nick came into the kitchen to briefly hang on him and put a few words into the conversation, Gil saw her tense up. Fortunately, Nicky was too happy that she was there at all to notice.

Just before she rounded up Lindsey to leave, Catherine stated, "If anything bad happens to Nicky because of this relationship, I won't hesitate to call the cops."

And to think we were friends first, Gil thought sardonically. Aloud, he said, "If anything bad happens to Nicky because of this relationship, there won't be anyone left to call the cops on."

Once they were gone, Nick wrapped his arms around Gil and complained, "I'm too tired to see Michael now."

"Then it's just as well you've got time for a nap, isn't it?" Gil pointed out, unrelenting. "Go lie down and I'll be in shortly."

Gil watched him leave, taking a few minutes just to breathe and collect himself. The visit with Catherine and Lindsey had been a good one, of course, but draining in several ways for them both. Probably the only one who'd come out of it feeling better, was Lindsey. Settled and calm again, Gil headed for the bedroom and quickly climbed into bed with Nick. He set the alarm for three hours, which would give them time to eat before leaving, and then pulled Nick into his arms.

With a deep sigh, Nick relaxed on him utterly, his cheek on Gil's chest. Stroking his hand over his lover's back, Gil smiled and closed his own eyes.

It was the first time that Nick had been to Michael's office and he looked around curiously at the comfortable, middle-class furnishings. There were books to read and even toys to play with, which confused the hell out of him. Why would a therapist who didn't deal with children, have toys in the waiting area? Even supposing that some of his patients brought their kids with them, which Nick doubted, they'd have to be old enough to not need toys like that.

Walking over to the pretty, dark-haired receptionist who was actually behind a regular desk, not a window like most doctor's offices, Nick held tight to Gil's hand as his lover greeted, "Hi there. Nick and Gil Grissom to see Dr. Michael?"

She nodded and smiled. "Of course. Michael had an emergency appointment, but he should be done shortly. Why don't you have a seat?"

"Thank you," Gil replied, guiding Nick over to the chairs along the opposite wall.

Gil smiled and took his hand as he replied, just as quiet, "Well, I don't imagine that you're the only patient he sees who's in an alternative lifestyle."

Right. Guys who were all the way down into the infantilism, or at least the age-play thing, 24/7 would probably need something to keep them occupied. He reached for one of the magazines while, no surprise, Gil took one of the books to read. Resting his head on Gil's shoulder, Nick decided that closing his eyes instead of staring at a National Geographic magazine was much nicer.

He jumped a little when the office door opened and was surprised to see a woman leave Michael's office.

Gil smiled and stood, tugging Nick to his feet as well, just as Michael poked his head out of the office and greeted, "Gil, Nick, it's good to see you. Come on in."

With Gil's hand as a comforting weight on his lower back, Nick walked into the inner office and found it to be just as middle-class as the waiting area. It was nice.

"I'm so glad to see that you're all right. I was really worried when I found out that it was you that man had taken. Please, have a seat," Michael continued.

Leaning forward, Michael stated, "I have to say straight out that PTSD isn't my specialty. I've refreshed my memory on a few things since Gil made the appointment, but I can't claim to be all-knowing about it."

Gil nodded and said, "We appreciate the honestly, but feel that the comfort factor, Nick already knowing you and you already knowing about how we live, outweighs that."

"All right. So long as we're all on the same page. Nick? Is this what you want? Because I can recommend someone who is a specialist and familiar enough with how we live not to judge you for it, even though he's not into it himself."

Nick shook his head and replied, "I uh, I'd rather stick with you, if that's okay?"

Michael smiled. "Of course it's okay. I just want to be sure that you feel you're getting an adequate amount of care."

"Okay then. Now that that's out of the way, Gil, would you mind waiting outside for the rest of the session?" Michael requested easily.

Nick instantly clamped onto Gil's arm, holding tight. A little too tight, from his lover's wince, but he couldn't make himself let go.

Nodding slowly, Michael said, "That answers that question. It's okay, Nick, he doesn't have to leave. I just wanted to see what your reaction to the thought of being without Gil was."

"I can't…that's a big part of the problem," Nick told him, relaxing his grip on Gil, though he didn't relinquish it altogether. "I get sick and scared, terrified really, if we're apart for too long. I hate it, but I can't seem to feel any other way. It's like, I'm only safe if Gil's with me."

Covering Nick's hand with his own, rubbing it comfortingly, Gil answered, "Guilty."

"Because I like it," Gil admitted heavily. "I want you to need me, I like that you have to have me with you so much. I don't like that you get sick and that it's taking such a toll on you, but, I can't help but want to keep you with me all the time."

"That looks like a pretty big revelation," Michael observed. "How long have you felt that you wanted Nick to be more dependent on you?"

Uncomfortable, Gil said, "For a while now. I never really thought of it in terms of dependence, though."

"Just…I like to be needed, to take care of Nick. I always have," Gil explained. "Probably since day one when he came to work for me. I can't tell you the number of times that prodding him professionally to go out more on his own felt like a personal betrayal. When he first started with my team, Nick was…a lot more easily influenced…and I have to admit that it pleased me at the time. It's…that desire to have him look to me first has gotten worse since we became involved."

Michael suggested, "Perhaps ‘more intense' would be a better phrase than ‘worse.'"

But Michael shook his head and countered, "It's not a euphemism. I do, however, think that it's more accurate. There's no good or bad in here. No judgment. You're both here to find a way to work with Nick's new circumstances, how what's happened has affected the two of you. Nick, what do you think about what you just heard?"

Still astounded, Nick answered, "I don't have a clue. I mean, I never really thought anyone would want me hangin' on them like this. Or, at all really, but especially not an almost literal 24/7. I mean, it can't be healthy, can it?"

"It's not healthy that you have a physical reaction to being separated from Gil, no," Michael agreed. "But the level of dependence that the two of you ultimately decide on will be right for the two of you, even if the rest of the world has no real understanding of why you are the way you are. Even at your most dependent level, you should still have the power to walk away if you need to and right now, that's not available to you. That's what I think we should work on first. Do the two of you agree?"

Biting his lip, Nick looked over at Gil, who gave him an encouraging nod, then back at Michael. "But, what if I like being like this, too? I mean, I guess I'm gonna need to be able to function at work, but, I kinda like having him make the decisions for me."

"Having the option to leave, doesn't mean that you will," Michael pointed out. "But you should be able to do so, if only in the event that Gil's death precedes yours. You have to be able to function without him, for your own survival."

Nick's fingers tightened on Gil and he clung to his lover as he wavered for a few minutes before ultimately nodding. It was only the truth, as unpleasant as it was. He was a good deal younger than Gil so, while he didn't even want to contemplate Gil dying on him, reality said that it was likely to happen that way.

Although really, at the rate he attracted psychos, maybe that wouldn't be a problem after all.

"Okay, that agreed upon, I think the best thing to do now is for you to tell Gil and I exactly what happened that night," Michael suggested. "You don't have to get through everything, there won't be enough time for that, but you should start."

Gil put his arm around Nick's waist and said, "I think it's a good place to start, Nicky. You're safe now, no one can hurt you. You need to get this out of your head where it'll only fester. I'm right here with you and so is Michael."

Pressing his face against Gil's throat, Nick took a few long minutes before he finally replied, "Yeah. Okay."

Gil started stroking his back, neither man rushing him into where to start. It figured that he had two of the most patient men on the planet to go through this with. It seemed much too long a time later that Nick began, "The cop isn't to blame. He really isn't. I didn't think of it until now, but he probably got into trouble and he shouldn't. Can you make sure someone knows that?"

"Of course, Nicky," Gil soothed, continuing to rub his hand up and down Nick's back. "I'll make sure Jim knows it."

Nick admitted, "I walked away from him ‘cause he was sick. I don't think the guy'd ever seen a dead body before, never mind entrails. It was kinda funny to me and I didn't even think twice about following the evidence away from him. The place looked deserted and it was a weird thing, a pile of guts just placed in the middle of an empty lot. So, it's really not his fault. It's mine for walking away from him."

"It's no one's fault, except the man who kidnapped you," Michael interjected softly.

"I know, I do, but it feels like it is," Nick said. "I can't help thinking that if I'd followed procedure, none of this would have happened."

Gil countered, "Or maybe that cop would be dead because the bastard who took you didn't care about anyone's life at that point. It's possible that if you'd stayed with him, he'd have been shot and you would've been taken anyhow."

Michael smiled a little and said, "This is why we're talking it through, Nick, to give you other points of view about what happened, to give Gil a chance to understand what you were going through, and to give you a chance to understand what Gil was going through."

Nick half-grinned, suggesting, "Maybe we should get the whole team in for therapy."

Gil snorted. "I think we'd have to drag Warrick down here kicking and screaming."

More than a little startled, Nick looked at the clock and saw that fifty minutes had, indeed, gone by. More time spent being silent than talking, which pretty much defeated the point of therapy in the first place.

Smiling, Michael told them, "You both did very well for a first session. I want to see you both twice a week for the next few weeks and, depending on the progress you make, we'll work it down to once a week."

Nick waited until Gil moved to stand, and then shifted his hand down to grip Gil's. "Um, thanks I guess."

He ushered them to the waiting area where Michael was immediately pounced upon by a slender, dark-haired man in his thirties with a tear-stained face. Michael wrapped his arms around the other man and looked at the receptionist, who gave a helpless shrug.

"He showed up ten minutes ago like this and wouldn't say anything," she reported.

The muffled words, "I'm not going back to work ever," were just loud enough for all of them to hear.

Michael sighed and said, "Set up Nick and Gil for twice a week the next three weeks, would you Sandra? Come on, baby, let's go talk in private."

Nick looked curiously at the young man who had to be Charlie, while Gil set up the appointments.

Jerking his gaze from the couple before the disappeared into the office, Nick flushed and apologized, "Sorry."

Gil smiled and shook his head. "Come on. Time to get you home. How does pizza sound for supper?"

Nick leaned happily into the sideway hug as they headed for the door and answered, "Sounds great."

After three relatively calm days with no panic attacks and another session with Michael, Nick found himself at his doctor's office for a check up. Going out into the world was getting a little easier, thankfully. Walks around their quiet neighborhood each day at dusk were helping to acclimatize him to being around other people again. They didn't really interact with those they passed, but Nick managed to wave and smile at the relative strangers they'd never really met, but lived near.

Dr. Parrish, a rounded man in his fifties with bright gray eyes, had always been a cheerful man and that grated a bit on Nick as he answered the doctor's questions about how he felt. The first problem had been trying to send Gil from the exam room upon the doctor's arrival. Nick had told him in no uncertain terms that Gil wasn't going anywhere and the man's disapproval had been palpable.

Morality judgments aside, the man was more than competent at his job and Nick was given a clean bill of health by the time the exam was over.

"The bites will heal on their own now, you don't need to keep using the antibiotic lotion," Dr. Parrish told them. "I'll be sure and fill out the proper paperwork clearing you to go back to work."

Once Nick had dressed again, and they'd paid the co-payment on the way out, Gil asked, "What would you think about changing doctors? I don't like the way he treated you in there."

"Well, I only took him ‘cause he knows one of my cousins," Nick admitted. "I never really, you know, connected with him much. It wouldn't bother me to change docs."

Gil smiled and put his arm over Nick's shoulders. "Good. Let's go out for lunch, what do you think?"

Nick hesitated, really feeling like he'd rather to go home, but nodded and agreed, "Sure, if you want."

"I want more than just lunch, but we'll start there," Gil replied, against his ear and shifting Nick against the elevator wall.

Gil chuckled, a hot, wicked sound to hear, and sucked on his earlobe. "Semi-public."

And then Nick shuddered because Gil's leg pushed hard against his cock, rubbing it. His head thumped back against the wall as he moaned, fingers clenching tight in Gil's shirt. "God, please, kiss me?"

"If I do, I won't stop until I've fucked you raw, right here and now," Gil warned, biting sharply at his throat.

Nick whimpered at the promise that was somehow still a threat and found the strength to push feebly at his lover's chest. Getting the message, Gil pulled back enough for Nick to regain his composure, but kept his hand against the small of Nick's back, fingers stroking in soft, very distracting way. By the time the doors opened, Nick was no longer breathing hard and he'd at least gone semi-soft so that his pants weren't tented. The walk to the car was embarrassing enough to soften him the rest of the way, despite the fingers still drifting over his back, and he breathed a sigh of relief on closing the door.

Lunch turned out to be a surprisingly low-key affair. Nick had half-expected Gil to tease him throughout the whole thing, but he didn't. They talked about anything that came to mind, even work, or nothing at all. It was good to simply enjoy each other's company in silence as they held hands over the table, like any honeymooning couple in the restaurant. Being out and about with his lover in a normal setting seemed strange, in a way. So much had happened in the last month that Nick had almost forgotten what it was that had drawn him to the other man in the first place. Gil was charming and witty, keeping a smile on Nick's face, or prompting soft laugh to escape, through the entire meal.

The ride home was equally as nice, with Gil continuing to hold his hand the whole way. The radio played classical music, something that Nick would never have agreed to before getting involved with Grissom, and relaxed him. After they'd pulled up in the driveway, Nick glanced at his lover to find a heated, hungry expression in place and swallowed convulsively. He jumped out of the car and hurried to the condo, Gil not two steps behind him.

The door had barely closed behind Nick when Gil pulled him back with an arm around his waist. Nuzzling against the side of Nick's throat, he murmured, "I've been hard for you since the elevator, baby boy, thinking about everything that I'm going to do to you now that you've got the all clear. I'm going to take such good care of you, Nicky, you're not going to know your own name by this time tomorrow."

Moaning, having absolutely no doubt as to that, Nick rubbed his ass against the hard-on that was easily felt through two layers of fabric.

Nick shuddered and ran off to the bathroom, stripping as he went and leaving the clothes for Gil to pick up. He had the feeling that they were going to be locked away for the rest of the day and knew his lover would make a sweep of the townhouse to make sure they were secure for the night.

Gil took his time washing Nick, running hands and wash cloth over every bit of the muscled body. He knew they could both use the reconnection on a sexual level, as focused on the physical, mental, and emotional as they had been since the kidnapping. Nick not only hadn't had the energy to even consider sex, but he'd been just as awkward and unsure of himself as when they'd first been together. Gil hadn't been Nick's first male lover, but he was still convinced that none of them had done anything other than use Nick as a convenient hole, from the younger man's astounded reactions to Gil's wholehearted brand of lovemaking.

The first thing on Gil's list was to make sure that Nick forgot all about the bug bites that had scabbed over and begun to scar in some places. Once the lotion was cleaned from Nick's body, Gil's lips followed his hands and he kissed gently wherever he found a bite or fading bruise. Nick was shaking and leaning against the wall for support long before Gil dropped to his knees. Smiling when an uncertain hand laced through his hair, Gil licked a slow, broad swath up the semi-hard dick bobbing before him.

No teasing, Gil finished in his head as he took the shaft in his mouth and slowly sucked it to full hardness, ignoring the unfamiliar bumps he encountered along the way. His hands caressed gently over every bit of skin they could reach as he nursed on the pre-come that leaked from Nick. One stopped on Nick's ass while the other slid between his legs to roll and softly squeeze his balls. The hand in Gil's hair tightened, Nick's breath growing harsh as it mixed with desperate cries and groans.

It wasn't long before Gil was doing this for himself, aching for more of his lover, sucking harder and faster as he repeatedly went all the way down. Nick's needy reactions were a bonus, icing on an already very sweet cake.

"Daddy, oh God, oh Daddy!" Nick shouted, thrusting deep one last time and coming.

Gil drank him down, licking up the stray come that escaped once Nick rested completely boneless against the wall, panting. Thoroughly pleased with himself and the wrecked look on his lover's face, Gil licked his lips and got to his feet, silently cursing the creaking pain in his knees. It wasn't even close to enough to diminish the joy he felt at having banished the darkness, if only for a short time.

Smiling with a slightly dopey expression, Nick informed him, "If I move, I fall down go boom."

Getting Nick to bed was, in fact, a bit of a chore as he hadn't exaggerated his resulting weakness of his orgasm. Gil half-carried him into the next room and was grateful the bathroom was attached, dropping Nick carefully onto the bed with a grunt of effort.

More than half out of it, Nick yawned and apologized, "Sorry I can't return the favor the way I really want to. Or, you know, at all really."

Sitting beside him, Gil smiled and kissed his nose. "I think I can manage to control myself."

"Stop," Gil ordered, placing a hand over Nick's mouth before the petulant sentence could be finished. "You're overtired right now, but that doesn't excuse belittling yourself. Your strength will come back and until then, we'll just take it slow."

Nick kissed his palm and mumbled something against it, even as his lids drooped. When the hand was removed, he repeated simply, "Love you so much, Daddy."

A flush of pure pleasure ran through Gil, his heart so full it felt about ready to burst. He'd come so close to losing this man forever that he ached with the near miss. Climbing the rest of the way onto the bed, he pulled Nick into his arms and held on tight, wordlessly kissing his lover's temple and cheek. Unexpectedly hit by the whole thing, Gil couldn't suppress the tremors that ran through him, nor the silent tears that stung at his eyes.

Shifting so that his back was to Gil's front, Nick pulled Gil's arms around him and wiggled back against him as close as their skin would allow. Curling around him, Gil buried his face against the still-damp skin with the bumps that served as a reminder to what had happened, what he hadn't been able to prevent.

Nick pulled one of Gil's hands up and kissed the palm, whispering, "It's okay, Daddy, I'm safe now. You found me in time, you got me back."

Anchoring himself with the solid body he was plastered to, Gil let himself let go for a time. Nick stayed silent, giving him exactly what he needed to get through it; the comfort of his presence and the solitude to regain his composure. It seemed an eternity before control returned and, by then, Nick was sound asleep in his arms. That the younger man still felt safe enough to do so spoke of such a deep trust that Gil was still caught by surprise, more often than not.

Worn out by his unexpected emotional reaction, Gil sighed deeply and kissed the tender skin beneath Nick's ear. Not exactly that he'd had planned for the night, but it was enough to be with Nick, knowing that they were truly together again.

The confines were tight, too tight, and he couldn't breathe properly with the light turning on and cutting off his oxygen supply. The gun was a heavy weight on his chest. He wasn't being crushed, logically he knew that, but it felt like the earth itself pressed down upon him. It didn't matter how much he pounded on the Plexiglas, he couldn't get out.

And then the ominous cracking noise. His eyes skittered around nervously, knowing that noise boded nothing good. He got his answer a few seconds later when the first ant bit into his exposed ankle.

Oh God, no, please, not like this, he thought, panic racing through him at the second and third bites.

There were very soon too many bites to count and he screamed with the pain of it, kicking violently at the container. The struggle was for nothing and he sobbed without thought or reason, despairing of anything but a lingering death. His hand gripped the gun, which was now a reassuring weight in his hand, and he cocked the trigger. He had nothing with which to plug his nose and ears, no protection at all. It would be a horrifying death, he knew that all too well.

With a shaking hand, he brought the gun to his temple and sent a brief prayer skyward for forgiveness from those he left behind.

I'm sorry, he thought. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, please don't hate me.

His tender inner thighs were now on the menu and then his balls and he was screaming again with the pain, thrashing violently until his movements set off the gun...

Gil jolted awake, panting harshly and sweating from the nightmare, locked into a rigid position.

Nick stirred sleepily at his side, waking enough to mumble, "Gil? Y'arright?"

"Fine, baby, go back to sleep," Gil lied, brushing his hand over Nick's head. "I have to use the bathroom, Nicky, let go."

Yawning, but already sliding back into sleep, Nick rolled over and settled down with a deep sigh.

Gil looked at him for a long moment, letting the sight of his lover soothe him, and then did leave the bed for the bathroom. There was no way he would be able to go back to sleep in the sweat drenched t-shirt, so he decided a quick shower would help put him to rights better than anything else.

Quick turned into long as the steaming hot water cleared the remnants of the nightmare from him and relaxed his stiff and sore body. How he hadn't thrown Nick off in his subconscious turmoil, Gil didn't know. He hadn't even woken the other man, which sent a pang of resentment through him, even though it was ridiculous. Grimacing at himself, Gil muttered, "Completely ridiculous."

This was what he wanted. The relationship was exactly what he needed. Taking care of someone who depended on him the way Nick did was what he'd been searching for his whole life. It was the other shit that was taking a toll. Nick's parents. Catherine and Warrick. Sara. Ecklie and the lab. Nick back to work. Having to be away from him, sending Nick out on crime scenes where he couldn't be present. Even though Kelly Gordon had been dead for months and he knew no one was after Nick, Gil couldn't stop the fear. Anything could happen on a crime scene, as they had seen, time and again.

"Daddy?"

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Gil looked over to find Nick standing uncertainly at the sink. Offering a tired smile, he turned off the water and accepted the towel his lover held out to him. "Didn't mean to be so long, Nicky, sorry."

"Are you okay?" Nick asked, biting his lip.

Gil nodded and slung the towel over the curtain rod, then answered, "Just...an unpleasant dream I was trying to wash away."

Looking worried, Nick said, "That's almost every night this week. Are you going to bring it up at Michael's tomorrow?"

"You knew?" Gil asked, surprised.

Nick half-grinned and answered, "Hard not to know when your bedmate's having nightmares, Gris."

Gil acknowledged that with a grimace. "I suppose that's true enough. Come on, let's go back to bed."

It wasn't too long before they were ensconced under the covers again, and this time Gil didn't bother to dress in anything. Spooning behind Nick, he squeezed tight for a long moment, then sighed as he relaxed the grip. He kissed Nick's throat and murmured, "I love you so much, Nicky. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you again."

Nick stroked his hand over Gil's arm, but only said softly, "Love you too, Daddy."

Thankful that Nick didn't mention bringing up his nightmares at Michael's again, Gil closed his eyes, but knew sleep would be a long time coming.

* * * *

It was minutes after they got comfortable on the sofa in Michael's sofa that Gil remembered just how persistent Nick could be. And how blunt.

"Gil's having nightmares."

There it was, out in the open. Heat suffused Gil's face immediately following the words.

Michael's gaze turned towards him and he questioned, "For how long?"

Gil sighed. "About a month now."

"Since Nick spoke about the last part of his ordeal," Michael said, more than asked.

Nick shifted closer, taking Gil's hand, and said, "See, that's why I didn't want to talk about it with you in the room. You take everything so deep."

Half-smiling, Gil kissed Nick's temple as he replied simply, "I have to, Nicky. I need to know everything if I'm going to take care of you."

"But you don't have to take it so much to heart," Michael told him.

Incredulous, Gil demanded, "You're telling me that I shouldn't be empathetic?"

Michael shook his head and countered, "I'm telling you that you should have perspective. What happened to Nick is over. The likelihood of it happening again, is extremely low. You can't do anything to change the past and keeping it alive in your own mind will only keep the negative emotions in play."

Gil sighed again and put an arm over Nick's shoulder, pulling him in close before leaning back against the cushion. It was hard to let what happened to his lover go, but he knew that Michael was right. Had known it even before this conversation had taken place. As much as he hated to admit it, he had to say, "I don't know how to get passed this."

"That's what I'm here for," Michael promised.

The rest of the session passed with an uncomfortable focus on him, instead of Nick. It was a definite change and despite the fact that he didn't really like it, Gil knew that it had been necessary. As they were shaking hands and saying goodbye for the week, he felt lighter and just a little easier in his mind.

"Michael?"

Gil looked over to find the young man they'd been introduced to once before as Charlie standing uncertainly in the doorway. Tall and slender, he actually topped Michael by a couple of inches, but there was no doubt that Michael was in control of the young man.

Michael frowned at Charlie and said, "We weren't quite done here, Charlie."

"I'm sorry, Michael, I just had to tell you something," Charlie answered, looking down at the floor.

A smile creased Michael's face and he looked at Gil, who shrugged and smiled back, trying to say, "What can you do?"

Michael walked over to his lover and took his hand, drawing him in close. "What's wrong?"

Charlie buried his face against Michael's shoulder and mumbled something that Gil couldn't hear, but caused Michael's face to darken. Gil took that as their cue to leave and put his hand to Nick's back, guiding him towards the door.

"Gil, I'm sorry, could you stay a few minutes? Charlie needs to tell you something," Michael said.

Startled by the flat tone where he'd only ever heard considerate, warm tones before, Gil stopped and faced the two men. "What's wrong?"

"I'm afraid Charlie's in a bit of trouble," Michael explained. "Charlie, would you tell Dr. Grissom and Mr. Stokes what you've done?"

Charlie sighed and looked up at them before replying, "I was talking with some friends of mine at the mall and you came onto the tv screen. I accidentally let slip that you were seeing Michael and Donny went totally crazy."

Gil's stomach clenched, but he remained calm as he questioned, "Who is Donny and how did he go crazy?"

"He's a friend," Charlie answered, biting his lip. "And he didn't go really crazy, just, a little excited."

Michael cleared his throat.

"Okay, a lot excited," Charlie amended. "He's into criminal law and follows all kinds of police cases and, well, he's a fan of yours. You're pretty much the best thing since sliced bread."

Nonplussed, Gil looked at Michael. "What does that mean?"

"It means that Donny couldn't keep a secret if his life depended on it," Michael replied dryly.

"So it probably won't be long before someone finds out that I'm seeing you professionally, if not with Nick or the nature of our meetings," Gil guessed.

Michael nodded. "Probably not. Gil, I am so sorry about all of this. Unfortunately, I'm fairly well known in my field so if it does become public knowledge…"

Glancing at Nick, Gil grew worried at the tense expression in place. Guessing that his lover was somehow shouldering all the blame for what was a strange accident. Gil turned back to Michael and requested, "May we have a few minutes?"

"Of course," Michael agreed. "Come on, Charles."

Even though the tone was dire, Gil had to hide a grin thinking that he wouldn't want to be Charlie by the time Michael got through with him. Putting his attention back on his own lover, Gil tugged Nick into his arms and ordered, "Stop it, right now."

Nick pressed his forehead to Gil's shoulder, much as Charlie had Michael just a little while ago and asked, "Stop what?"

Kissing Nick's ear, Gil told him, "Stop blaming yourself for something over which you had no control."

"You're here because of me," Nick pointed out, muffled.

"And who did we talk about for the last hour?"

"You."

"There you go."

"But, Gil…"

Gil pulled back and shook his head, smiling at Nick. "No, Nicky, no buts. I'm here because we both went through something pretty horrendous, in our own ways. Even if we weren't lovers, I would still have needed counseling. If, somehow, this becomes public knowledge, I doubt it'll be even a blip on the radar."

"But Michael's specialty…"

"Is counseling those in alternative lifestyles. I'd say that a gay relationship between supervisor and subordinate qualifies," Gil said firmly. "No one has any evidence about what else is between us and it's going to stay that way."

"I just, I don't want them to separate us again. I don't want to work without you," Nick whispered.

Damn, I should've known he would immediately think of that, Gil thought. Stealing a quick kiss, Gil told him, "If it comes to that, we'll find something else to do. The city would love to see me retire, anyhow. I cost too much."

Nick opened his mouth to protest, but Gil stopped it by putting a finger over his lips. The rebellion lasted only moments in his lover's dark eyes, and then Nick sighed, offering a tentative smile.

"Now that that's settled, shall we see if Charlie still has a backside to blister?" Gil questioned, amused.

Nick grinned outright and said, "He wouldn't do it here, Daddy."

"Well, true," Gil agreed, motioning him to the door.

Disaster averted, at least temporarily, Gil followed Nick to the reception area.

* * * *

Things went fine for the next couple of months, despite Gil's worry over Charlie's slip. There were no whispers or speculative glances at work, so he assumed that the young man had made a mountain out of a molehill. Then they were hit with the slaughter of an entire family except the little girl, who went missing. He didn't want to send Nick out there alone, but he had to. And not that he didn't trust Warrick and Sara to keep an eye on him, but it wasn't the same as being there himself.

It was Nick who found the little girl, not that Gil was surprised. Sara told him how dogged Nick had been, worried that some of his treatment of a suspect could either harm his career or the case, possibly both. He also wasn't surprised when the girl bonded with Nick over everyone else.

Waiting outside the hospital room while Nick finished taking the girl's statement, Gil tried to decide how to deal with Nick's behavior in the field. Should he do so privately, or reprimand him officially? The strong-arm tactics had resulted in finding the little girl, but the end didn't justify the means. Not to Gil. And if the kids got off as a result of Nick's behavior…

"So I've been hearing some interesting rumors about the two of you."

Gil glanced over at Jim, who walked over and sat beside him. Arching an eyebrow, he asked, "Oh?"

"Yeah," Jim confirmed. "It seems that someone's got the two of you coming out of a shrink's office. And not just any shrink, you understand."

Gil half-smiled as he commented, "So it did reach the office after all. What're the rumors saying?"

"Well, let's see. One says that you're into S&M. Then there's another that says you like to dress up in women's clothing. Personally, I can't see either one of them because you're too much of a control freak and your fashion sense sucks."

Gil snorted. "Thanks."

Jim grinned and answered, "You're welcome. There is one thing, though."

"Yes?" Gil prompted.

Gripping Gil's arm briefly, Jim told him, "You should tell your people to let it go. Warrick almost got his face bashed in by a couple of uniforms looking for trouble last week. They were making fun of Nick and he lost it."

Gil sighed and nodded. "Thanks, Jim. I appreciate the heads-up."

The hospital room door opened and Gil looked over to find Nick with a deer-in-headlights expression on his face. Standing, he walked over to his lover and asked, "All done?"

"Um, yeah," Nick answered slowly. "Something going on? Why are you both here?"

"I'm here to get the statement from you so you can head home for some much deserved rest," Jim said, holding out a hand.

Nick passed the bag over to him. "Thanks, Jim. I appreciate that, man."

"No problem. I'll see you guys in a couple of days," Jim replied, smiling.

Frowning, Nick asked, "A couple of days?"

"I've decided that we need some time off," Gil explained. "You've been wound a little tight for the last couple of weeks and this case was the last straw."

An embarrassed flush chased over Nick's face as he said, "Look, Gil. I'm sorry about what happened in the field. I shouldn't have lost my cool like that."

"No, you shouldn't have, but this is about more than that. You've been working too hard and gotten out of balance. I'm going to fix that," Gil informed him.

Crossing his arms obstinately over his chest, Nick exclaimed, "You can't just unilaterally decide something like this, Gil! It's my job and I'll decide when I'm not fit to do it!"

I really need to pay more attention, Gil berated himself silently. Taking a breath, Gil stated calmly, "Unless you'd like to not be able to sit down for the next week, I suggest that you change your attitude. I'm still in charge here, in case you've forgotten, and that means what I say goes. Period. If you want to sit down and talk about changing our agreement, that's another story, but right now, you do what I tell you. Understood?"

Glowering, Nick nodded and muttered sullenly, "Understood."

"Understood, what?" Gil prompted sternly.

For a long few seconds, Nick just looked at him blankly. When comprehension dawned, it hit with dismay as well and Nick went from sullen to unsure in about two seconds flat as he whispered, "Understood, Daddy."

Gil wordlessly held open his arms, waiting patiently until Nick stepped into them, burying his face against Gil's throat. He held Nick tight, just standing there and letting his lover readjust to their relationship. They'd been so busy the last month that there hadn't been hardly any time for them to decompress from any of the horrendous cases. After a few minutes, once the shaking had stopped, Gil lightly slapped Nick on his ass and pulled back.

Seeming a little calmer, Nick offered an embarrassed smile and said, "Thanks, Daddy, I needed that."

"So did I," Gil replied honestly. "Let's go home."

Nick stayed close as they walked down the corridor and Gil kept a hand on the small of his back, guiding him towards the elevator. They weren't on the clock, so he cared less who saw them together. By the time they got to the car, Nick was leaning almost completely against him, head on Gil's shoulder as they walked.

Gil unlocked the passenger's door and took the time to buckle Nick in, getting them both back in the proper headspace for the next few days. That earned him a wan smile and Gil kissed his lover gently before closing the door and walking to the driver's side. Thankfully, he'd gone shopping just the day before and so wouldn't need to leave Nick at all over the next few days. He held Nick's hand the entire ride home, right up until he parked the car in the driveway. "Don't move. I'll get you out."

Nick nodded and waited as Gil walked around the car again, this time to unbuckle him. They walked to the house hand in hand and Gil unlocked and opened the door with his free one. Inside, he ordered, "I want you stripped and in the tub in the next five minutes, Nicky."

He watched the younger man hurry to the bedroom, waiting until he'd disappeared from sight to scrub a tired hand over his face. It wasn't like Nick was the only tired one. He'd had fallout from Ecklie to deal with on a couple of cases just that morning and been going nonstop, just like Nick, for weeks.

The difference being that you're in charge, Gil told himself. You have to make this better right now, or Nick will never trust you with himself again.

And he knew that was true. Nick had been hurt and betrayed by those who were supposed to love him most and the wounds were still fresh. It wasn't just his parents who didn't accept them. Nick's sisters had made it clear individually over the last few months that they wouldn't have anything further to do with Nick unless ‘you get rid of the old man and get some help,' as one had succinctly put it. Gil had been listening on speaker phone when she'd said it and promptly hung up on her.

Figuring that five minutes had passed while he'd stood there thinking, Gil walked to the bedroom to join his lover. He smiled fondly at the clothes that had been tossed willy-nilly onto the floor, showing a clear progression as to how Nick had stripped. By the time he'd reached the bathroom, he had a small pile of clothes in his arms. He knocked lightly, not wanting to scare Nick, and then entered.

Already ensconced in the tub, as ordered, Nick was waiting for it to finish filling. Looking up at him innocently, Nick said, "I made it in time."

Gil couldn't stop the grin that escaped as he confirmed, "You did, Nicky. Next time, try and take the ten seconds to dump your clothes in the hamper."

"I forgot," Nick admitted, abashed. "Sorry."

Dropping them in the hamper, Gil combed his finger through Nick's hair and replied, "It's okay."

It didn't take long for his clothes to join Nicky's, and then he was climbing into the tub behind his lover. The water rose accordingly and he ordered, "I think that's enough water."

Nick obligingly turned off the faucet and then leaned back against him. Gil wrapped an arm over Nick's broad chest and picked up the washcloth with his other. After dipping it in the water, he rubbed it slowly over what parts of Nick he could reach and said, "I want you to close your eyes, Nicky, and just listen to my voice now. Okay?"

Sighing deeply, Nick nodded.

"That's my good boy," Gil praised. "You know I love you, but I haven't told you lately why or how much."

Nick silently shook his head, the simple gesture sending a pang through Gil's heart.

Clearing his throat, Gil continued, "I love you because you're a good, smart, kind, and strong man, Nicky. I love you because you're my boy and you let me be your Daddy so I can take care of you. I haven't done such a good job of that lately, but I'm going to fix that right now."

"No, Daddy, you've been busy. We both have," Nick protested.

Gil kissed Nick's ear and commanded softly, "Hush now and listen. I love you because you make great chili and like to watch nature documentaries. I love you because you're sexy and incredibly wonderful and so talented, my boy. Do you know that I had two attempts to lure you to other jobs this week?"

Nick craned his neck to give him a disbelieving look.

Smiling, Gil repeated, "Two. And that's just this week. People know how good you are at your job, Nicky, and they want to recruit you. Sometimes, I can intercept their offers and I do. I know how much you hate confrontations and how much you hate to say no to people, so I do it for you whenever possible. I love you, Nicky, more than my own life and if anything were to happen to you, anything at all, I would never forgive myself. I would never be able to lead any kind of life without you, Nicky. You've spoiled me for anyone else. I love everything about you and nothing that you could ever do would chase me away."

Nick turned sideways in his arms and pressed his mouth to Gil's chest as he said hoarsely, "I get so scared sometimes. That you don't want me anymore. That, that this is twisted and you deserve so much more than I could ever give you."

Gil checked his impulse to shut the damning words down, knowing Nick needed to say them.

"I hate that we can't be open about who we really are and I hate that Warrick and Catherine still look at you like a pervert sometimes. Like they can't trust you because of how you are with me. I hate that people make fun of you behind your back. And it's all because of me," Nick finished in a whisper.

Sighing deeply, Gil's arms tightened around his now-crying lover and he pressed little kisses to Nick's temple and cheek. Thankfully, it wasn't an all-out sobbing, as had happened in the past. It was more of a release than anything else. The words that the other man couldn't say, trapped in his conservatively raised mind. That they were as open as they were with one another was a testament to Nick. Gil knew that he still failed spectacularly when it came to ‘sharing' their feelings and thoughts. It was something that Michael continued to work on with him.

The crying jag didn't last long. It usually didn't, not this kind at least. When Nick was done, he yawned and rested completely on Gil. That was the sign that he'd been looking for and Gil murmured, "Time to get out, Nicky."

Nick mumbled wordlessly in protest, but did as ordered. Gil took his time drying Nick off, using the softest towel they owned and then pushing him lightly towards the sink. Gil dried himself while Nick brushed his teeth and then took his place at the sink when Nick used the toilet. They had the routine down pat and it was only a few minutes longer before they were under the covers together.

Gil took Nick's special blanket out of the dresser before climbing into bed. Handing it to Nick, he watched as the younger man held it tight to his chest, shooting Gil a grateful look. As much as Nick loved his blanket, it was still hard to ask for it when he needed it. Sometimes it stayed in his hands for days, whenever they were at home and other times it languished in a drawer. Gil fully intended for Nick to keep hold of it for the next few days.

After turning off the bedside lamp, Gil pulled Nick into his arms and kissed his forehead. "I love you so much, baby boy. Remember that always."

Nick nodded and burrowed close as he said through a yawn, "Love you too, Daddy. Night."

"Night, baby," Gil murmured.

All he had to do for an encore was figure out what they were going to do for the next three days.