Title: Bands of Steel
Author: Sonia
Pairing: Horatio/Speedle
Series: No
Spoilers: Dispo Day
Rating: R (language)
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Sue me and all you'll collect are dust bunnies.
Summary: Speedle can't sleep after the events of "Dispo Day."

I'm in a clammy sweat...again. Fifth night in a row. Fuck. Nothing is working. I've tried everything to sleep. I started with Nyquil. The original formula was all I could find. That shit tastes nasty. I've tried tranqs and scotch. The only thing nastier than original formula Nyquil is scotch. Sometimes I've taken them in dangerous combinations. I've been lucky not to have ended up in Sunny von Bulow land. All the crap I've put in my system and all I get is one or two hours sleep. Then the fun begins. Only tonight there was a twist. An ugly painful twist.

I'm lying on my back like a fucking turtle. I see the perp spot me. I raise my gun and nothing happens. He takes aim. I can see the barrel of the gun but it's not aimed at me. I swear I heard the firing pin strike the bullet. The impact is elsewhere. My heart stops beating. The breath rushes out of my lungs. The bands of steel around my chest tighten more and more. I can't get enough air to scream. I can't warn him. I can't kill the perp with my dirty jammed gun. After he shoots him, he turns and aims at me. The gun doesn't fire. He's dead and I'm safe. I can't live with that. I can't.

Then I sit straight up trying to suck in enough air to start my heart again. The question I've been asking since that day is still unanswered. The dreams aren't ever going to stop because there isn't an answer.

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He said something to me today. Of course he would see my lack of sleep before anybody. I thought I was playing it off well. My work isn't suffering so, who cares if I look like shit all day? Then again I knew Horatio would say something sooner than later. I remember the time he noticed Calleigh was using a different shade of hair color. One shade lighter. No difference at all really but he saw it.

He came towards me with that sideways walk of his. He called to me like I didn't see him coming.

"Speed can I have a word with you?" Like I have a choice?

"Sure."

He guides me into the lab. Delko is there, processing the Marino evidence.

"Hey, can we have the room for a minute?" He looks at both of us, shrugs and leaves. That kid would jump off a bridge without a word if H asked him too. He's just as enamored of him as I am. The only difference is he doesn't want to fuck him like I do. He wants to please him. He wants to be the "good boy" CSI. The good straight "I screw mucho, mucho chicas" CSI. Umm, I'm never going to be that. I've known since I was 12 years old and I saw "A Place in the Sun"on TV. Montgomery Clift was the star of my first wet dream. Yeah, I know it doesn't show. I intend to keep it that way.

I turned to him and he had that look. The look where you would swear you could hear him thinking. I'm under his microscope at the highest magnification and I hate it. There are a lot of things about me I'm not ready for him to see.

"Are you sleeping at all?"

"Yeah. I'm OK, H"

He moved closer. He smells like midnight. Dark but somehow not scary.

"What happened last week is difficult to process. If you need to talk...."

He stops talking because something happens that neither one of us expects. I burst into floods of tears. I couldn't stop if you paid me. Next thing I know I'm sitting down with a cool wet rag in my hands. He's squatting in front of me saying something. I had to put all the energy I had left into hearing him.

"Wipe your face. I want you to calm down. Come on Speed, just breathe deep."

I must've looked like a bipolar who forgot to take his meds. I hadn't been that embarrassed in years. If it were possible to just cut and run right then I would have. I wiped my face and calmed down enough to say something.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what that was about...I'm sorry."

He stood up and looked down at me. He can be so unreadable sometimes. This wasn't one of those times. He was pissed.

"Don't you dare apologize to me. You're exhausted and scared. I should have seen this coming. If there is anyone to blame here it's me."

"No I told you I was OK. You couldn't know how I was feeling..."

I looked down at the rag in my hands. Looking up at him was not in the cards right then. I wanted to be unconscious. I could feel his stare through the top of my head.

"You should talk to someone."

Words you never want to hear from your supervisor. Its management speak for "You're losing it."

"I don't think I need to go to a shrink, H."

I got up from the stool. It's time to turn it on. I smiled and lied my ass off. I can't tell him what's really wrong. I can't even say it out loud. If I say it, the world might just spin a little slower for me.

"I'm just a little frayed around the edges. I think a day off will do the trick. I'd like to check the schedule see what's open. OK?"

The boss looked at me like I had sprouted a second head. I haven't asked for a day off in a year. I've been forced to take time off, union rules and shit, but I haven't asked since Megan left, came back and left again.

"What do you need to feel better, Speed? If I can make it happen I will."

"Just a day off, Boss. A few hours sleep and I'll be good to go."

"Do you really think it will help or are you just trying to get me to back off?"

"A little of both." I chuckled.

He put his arm around me and gave me on of his half smiles. He rubbed the back of my head. Ah don't do that I thought. His hands anywhere on my body feels like molten lava.

"Atta boy." he growled in my favorite version of his voice. He walked to the door. Thank God he was leaving. I needed him away from me for a minute or twenty. He turned and looked at me kind of funny.

"Do you know what 917 633-8095 is?"

"Yeah." Of course. His cell number was literally and figuratively number 1 on my phone.

"Do you know what 17 Dorian Place is?"

Clue bus just pulled up to the curb.

"Use either or both if you need to."

"Sure, H"

"I mean it, `k?"

I give him a nod to get him to close the fucking door.

When he finally did, I sat back down on the stool. How did I get here? I was shaking like a leaf, I was so out of it I couldn't stand, my head was full of snot and I had made a fool of myself in front of the person I've wanted forever. It was entirely possible I would have told him what I needed if he had stay a minute longer. I had no defenses left. For some reason I started talking to myself, a habit I detest in others but I indulge in once in a while.

With my forehead on the cool table surface, I said…

"So you want to know what would make me feel better? A week in Bimini, a bottle of spf 60 for you, lots of seafood for me and a place were we could fuck without getting sand in rude places. That's what I really need."

Of course it was then that I realized Delko was now in the room with me.

"Sounds good. When do we leave?"

I jumped into the middle of next week, knocking over the stool and hitting my head on the table. I must've looked like a fucking lunatic.

"Learn to fucking knock, asshole!!"

"What the hell is wrong with you??!!"

Oh yes. This day had to end. I pushed past him and found Horatio in the hallway. I told him the day off had to start right now. He just waved his hand and told me to go. Of course he showed up in the locker room as I was getting my things.

"What are you going to do?"

"I honestly don't know but I can't stay…"

"Ok, Ok. Just do this for me. Call me and let me know what's happening with you. Can you do that for me?"

It wasn't what he said but how he said it. Yeah I could do that for him.

"I'll call ya. I'm just going home."

He squinted at me and said "OK". He was thinking of not letting me go. He was scared of what I might do if I was left to my own devices. Truth was I was scared too.

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So now here I lay in the very familiar cold sweat. This time its different though. The dream has a twist. The perp didn't aim at me. He aimed at him. Horatio. My gun jams and I hear the firing pin strike the bullet. I follow it to its target. I was spared seeing the impact by waking up. The bands of steel are cutting me in half. My chest feels like its stuffed with cotton. I stumble out of bed. I see the mirror so I know I'm in the bathroom. God, I'm going to die from a fucking nightmare. I see the bed. I see my cell. It's 3:47 am. No I won't do that. I can't do that. I'm dressing because if I dress it will stop. I'm getting my keys because if I get my keys it will stop. I `m walking out of my door because if I leave here it will stop.

Where the hell am I? I look up and start to laugh. You have GOT to be kidding me. Dorian Place. Jesus, Speed you are straight out of a Jane Austen novel. You might as well be walking in the rain pining after Willoughby. Holy shit it is raining. This can't be happening. I can see his house from here. I turn around to start back to my place when I'm hit by a blind panic. If I go home it will still be there. The question will still be unanswered. He doesn't have the answer but he doesn't know the question so it doesn't matter. I go up to the house and ring the bell. The light comes on and I hear him coming to the door. All of a sudden I'm ready to go home. He opens the door and steps back for me to enter.

"I can't go home."

"I know."

He closes the door and turns on the lights. He disappears while I drip on his beautiful hardwood floor. Towels and dry clothes are handed to me.

"Bathroom is upstairs second door to the right." He goes into the kitchen and starts making coffee. I go upstairs and shower. It's strange being so naked in a foreign home. The house is pleasant in a lonely way. Everything smells like him.

I come downstairs and go to the kitchen. He is scrambling some eggs. His back is to me.

"He didn't take the head shot because if everyone is dead, there is no one to suspect of a being the inside man."

I had to grab the counter edge to keep upright. That might not be the answer but it was an answer.

"How did you…"

"You think you're the only one losing sleep? I saw him Speed. I saw him shoot you. I saw you on the ground with blood on your chest. I thought I had lost you. I thought I had watched you get murdered. No I'm not sleeping much these days."

He turned around and for the first time I saw it. The luggage under his eyes, the deeper lines around his mouth. Shit I've had my head so far up my ass, I'd left him out there all alone. That's why he heard his doorbell at 4:30 am in the morning. He wasn't asleep.

"God, H I'm such a jerk." I stepped around the island counter towards him. I wanted to free him like he had freed me. I put my arms around him. He squeezed me so tight it reminded me of the bands of steel in my dreams. Only this time it was a good thing. He kissed my neck. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. He froze for a moment. I was totally floored.

"How did you know?" I seemed to be asking him that quite a bit tonight.

He was confused for a minute.

"Paul Newman in the Long Hot Summer."

He didn't get the question I was asking but he had the right answer. I ran my hands through his hair. I kissed him stupid. He gave me a beauty of a smile.

The eggs burned.

The End