Title: Sublimation
By: Clockstopper
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Greg doesn't need therapy. He just needs Nick
Author's Notes: prompt!fic... Like I said, slowly but surely. Also this one has probably more psychological terms and basis than a fic has any right too, but I started it after a psych class and I still have all that knowledge swimming in my brain.
Warnings: Some spoilers for pretty much everything after Keppler showed up except the finale. And older eps like Play with Fire and Grave Danger

The door opens before he can even pull out his keys.

Nick stands there, soft white shirt stretching nicely across his chest, sweatpants hanging loosely on his hips and he just moves out of the way to let Greg in. Doesn't comment on how late or early it is depending on how you look at it.

But of course he wouldn't comment. He just has to look at Greg because now that he's home, Greg knows that it's all out there on the surface, readily apparent for anyone to see.

Greg wishes he didn't feel this way. Wishes he didn't feel so helpless like his eyes were stinging and burning and fighting to stay open and not water. Wishes he didn't feel exhausted and anxious at the same time. Wishes he didn't know that his hands are shaking so bad he can't even put the key into the lock.

But he's home now. Home with Nick and its okay if he falls apart just a little bit.

Nick'll let him.

"It'll stop soon."

"Right. That's what they all say. But really… they won't."

"We're gonna figure this out Greg. Just… give it some time man."

"Time. Time Nick. I've given it time. I just… maybe my parents were right. Maybe I'm not…"

"Don't finish that sentence. You don't mean it."

"I do. I mean it. I mean it, Nick."

He's not sure how it happens. One minute he's standing there in the living room, hands shaking and he's thinking about his latest case, his latest ordeal and how the people on the day shift had looked at him like he's some kind of freak.

The next, Nick's arms are around him, holding him tight like he thinks this will actually worked. They've done this before, gone through this routine before and it's almost like a well-choreographed dance that they do to get through this.

They just stand like that, Nick's arms tightly around him, Nick's cheek against his own and his nose brushing through Greg's hair. He's whispering something, but Greg can't quite make it out over his own harsh breathing so he just feels it instead.

"You don't mean it." Nick says, the only coherent thing Greg can make out and Greg lets out a noise that's a half sob, half sigh of frustration.

"I want to mean it."

"Yeah, I know."

Because Nick does know. He knows about this job and how it fucks with you and how everything in you will be begging to get out, get away, but you can't. You just can't because you're tied to it; it's become a part of you that you can't get away from.

Greg's tried explaining it to other people. He's tried telling them that the dead bodies and how the viciousness he sees gets to him, but he has to do it, has to find the bad guy.

They just stare at him blankly, mutely like they're not sure what to say to that. Like they're not sure if that makes Greg incredibly brave or incredibly stupid.

Greg feels like neither at the moment, wrapped up in Nick's arms and he can say he's scared and he can say he wants out so very desperately and Nick will just stand there and be his rock and bring Greg back from the edge.

It's what the do for each other, it's what Greg did for Nick after that whole Keppler fiasco with the fake crime scene and the questionable reverse forensics.

He remembers how pissed Nick had been. How utterly furious he had been because they'd taken everything that made this job an art, the science behind it all that made it almost magical, and they'd turned it into something it wasn't.

Warrick had said get over it. Had been able to just shake it off as he walked to his car and had driven home to his wife and he may or may not have slept in his bed that night, but Greg would bet even money that he slept on the couch because Warrick's quickie marriage is going downhill just as fast as it had started.

He remembers how angry Nick had been with that. How he'd cursed Warrick's name and asked how Warrick could tell him to just get over it, like it had been nothing, like their integrity hadn't been impugned and then they'd been asked to go about their jobs like nothing had happened.

Nick had hated it and Greg had been there for him and if there had been a little bit of reaction formation going on around Keppler afterwards, Greg thinks Nick has no idea about it.

Not that it much matters. Keppler died anyway.

But right now, this isn't about Nick. This is about Greg and his issues and Greg knows that even though Nick's shaking just a little bit too, Greg's the one that started it. The one that came home tonight with his hands stained red only to his eyes and the dirty feeling that only glares from people he's supposed to work with can leave.

Greg's the one that sat there, hiding in the newly modeled waiting room looking down at his hands as he sat on the couch he knew had been dubbed Grissom's.

But according to the gossip, Grissom's off playing white knight for Lady Heather so Greg had figured he had time.

He would have stayed there till shift started too. Would have compartmentalized the night and Nick would have looked at him questioningly when their shift started, but Greg would just chalk it up to days.

But it had been too strong, stronger than most days and he'd only felt week like this a couple of times in his life.

He'd thought he'd gotten over it. That he'd left it in the lab behind him, years ago when he'd gotten out of there, when he'd been freed.

The thing is… there are days when he can still smell it.

He'll be in the lab, running samples, rubber gloves on and the smell of useful chemicals filling up the room and he'll stop.

He'll stop what he's doing because his hands will start shaking and it's been years and he still acts like this and he'd think it were childish if there hadn't been an actual psychological disorder behind it.

One doctor had said PTSD, another had said some weird variation of a somatoform disorder, like it's all in Greg's head, and Nick had said that they're both fucking idiots and Greg would be just fine.

Greg's inclined to believe him most days.

He never knows what's going to set it off. He'll be working some case, any case there's never a connection and it'll just start.

He thinks he'll catch of whiff of something, something that isn't there and he'll look around like he's expecting the worst. He doesn't know how to stop himself and he desperately hopes that he'll get out of the lab soon because he really can't stand it some days.

It had been like that after the Demetrius James thing. When Greg had been confined to the lab to resume his old duties until he'd been fit for the field.

Then that crawling feeling had increased because neither is safe and Greg knows that, has known that, but he'd thought it would be easier in the field.

It turns out he'd been wrong on all accounts.

"Why'd he put me on days?" Greg whispers.

"You were the only one without a case at the time."

"Yeah, well I got a real dozy of one on days."

He doesn't have to see Nick's face to know that he's scowling. That Nick's mad because they've all worked hard cases, together and separately and Greg's been very good at keeping it all at bay.

He thinks he's entitled to this one breakdown.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I just… I'm sick of it."

He's mirroring Nick's words, the words Nick never uttered in front of Greg, the words he'd only said to Warrick in a moment of rage and would never tell Greg, especially not when Greg had been laid up in a hospital bed.

Nick has to protect everybody, has to save everybody and he gets teased for the white knight thing, but it's true. Greg's been the recipient of that intensity more than once. He knows how it feels.

"Today. You're sick of it today. Tomorrow…"

"Tomorrow it'll be wrapped up into neat little compartments in my head."

"Something like that." Nick says lightly.

He's fishing for a smile, but Greg's not ready to give him one.

"Maybe I could just stay here forever. How do you feel about being my sugar daddy?" Greg says.

It's not said with the usual flair, that sarcastic lilt. Instead it's a bit dry, even to his own ears and he'd cringe if Nick weren't holding him so tight.

Nick smiles all the same; Greg can feel it against his skin.

"I'm not sure I make enough to keep you in the life style you're accustomed to."

"I live a pretty simple life."

"Yeah, with forty dollar bags of coffee."

"My one vice, I assure you Mister Stokes. Besides, you're pretty good at taking care of me. Some more sexual favors for your trouble wouldn't hurt."

"Greg, I don't think we could fit in anymore sexual favors as it is. And you know I'll always take care of you."

Greg lets out a whine, tries to wiggle away from Nick's arms because he doesn't want to be serious. He wants to be anything but serious and Nick wants to freaking talk, he can hear it in the edge in Nick's voice.

"Stop it."

"No."

"Greg."

"I don't want to talk about it Nick. I came here because I need you."

"Yeah, I got that, but sex… that's really not going to help anything."

"It'll get me to stop thinking."

Because that's what he really wants. To stop thinking completely and just be with Nick, around Nick, in Nick's presence.

"If we don't…"

"I don't know, okay. I've told you that before. I don't know what makes one case okay and another one not. I don't know what makes a case about a bunch of girls getting massacred easier than a case about and old lady who fell down and cracked her head open. I don't know."

"Was it the day shift?"

Greg frowns at him.

"What about them?"

"Hodges said…"

"Hodges? You were talking to Hodges about me?"

"He knows things. Anyway, Mandy said it too. Heck even Archie and Henry picked up on it. They said that the day shift techs told them that the day shift CSIs were being…"

"What? Being mean? What are you gonna do, go in there and beat them up for being mean to your boyfriend?"

"Greg."

"Yeah, okay, they were a little… icy, but a lot of people have been Nick. People are going to think what they want to think."

"These are people you work with. People who've been there. People you've ran samples for to pick up their backlog and they're treating you like… like you're…"

"A criminal?"

Nick's face goes stony and Greg knows it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the damn dayshift. Because Nick would have pounded on everyone who even thought Greg had done something wrong if he could have. He would have gone a lot farther than one punch pulled in mindless rage.

"They shouldn't treat you like that. You should go tell Grissom. Maybe he'll switch the CSI or tell whoever's in charge of the day shift this week. It doesn't…"

"Hey."

Nick looks down at him, jaw squared and twitching with suppressed anger and Greg's fingers reach up, gently glide along Nick's cheek.

"I'm a big boy. I don't need to run to Grissom because the CSIs are being mean. I didn't come home for you to get all worked up into a rage."

"I can't help it."

"Good. It means you're a good boyfriend."

Nick doesn't smile, but Greg sees it in his eyes all the same. He leans in, hand on Nick's cheek and he pulls himself closer, tilts his head upward until their lips are so close it would just take that one last movement until they're kissing.

"I should probably reward you for it."

"You do."

"You're sweet. I was talking about right now."

"You are."

"Nick."

"Greg."

He's doing it just to be funny now and Greg can see the beginnings of a smile on his lips and Greg smiles widely.

"Shut up and kiss me, Nick."

And he does, soft and sweet at first, but it gets hungry, lips bruising against lips and Nick's holding him so close, pulling him so close that Greg's feet barely touch the ground. His arms wrap around Nick's neck and it doesn't matter that he should probably feel small wrapped up in Nick's arms because he feels safe and that's all the matters.

They make it the bedroom easily, no tripping or fumbling, but they don't stop touching, they don't stop kissing and when they get there, Greg whines when Nick pulls away even if it is to get them undressed.

He'd do whatever Nick wants in that moment. He knows it; Nick knows it and Greg shivers at the thought, at the connection.

"This what you want." Nick whispers against his skin.

Greg arches up, tries to get close to Nick even though Nick's on top of him, all around him and something guttural sounding comes out of his mouth.

"Yes." Greg answers.

He doesn't trust himself to say more, not with Nick so close, not when he's so close and Nick's giving him what he wants.

It's cliché but everything feels like it's going too slow and too fast at the same time. One moment they're just kissing, touching and feeling and the next moment they're here and he's stretched out on their bed with Nick on top of him, with Nick's fingers pressing into him.

He pushes into it, thinks he may be saying something that's vaguely coherent, but it doesn't matter because Nick gets him all the same. Hurries with the prep work, but not too fast because Nick's overly cautious about such things even though they've been doing this for years.

And when Nick pushes inside him, slow at first until something just gives and he can feel Nick deep inside and he wants movement and harder and faster, it still feels like new, makes him forget everything but Nick and this and the slow, torturous pace Nick likes to set.

"This what you want?" Nick asks again.

Greg thinks he answers with something semi-coherent, but he's too lost in the sensations to care. Too lost in the feeling of Nick's body, Nick's presence and he holds on as tightly as he can, fingers clutching to Nick's forearms as he thrusts, deep and hard and just the way Greg needs it.

They'll do it again later just the way Nick likes it, slower and more torturous, not hurried and rushed like Greg wants it right now, like Nick's giving to him.

"Please… please… god Nick please." Greg says.

And Nick moans, pushes just that much harder, body against Greg's and Greg's legs are wrapped tightly around his waist, pulling him closer and Nick just lets him just because Greg wants it.

Later there'll be softer touches and lingering kisses. Nick will touch him, fingers gliding across Greg's skin and he'll take his time exploring all the new marks and bruises from this encounter.

They'll have sex on their sides, hips barely moving against each other and they'll take it so achingly slow that Nick'll be late for work because Greg's on days until the end of the week and he'll need it before he goes in.

And Nick will know that even if Greg never says anything.

But first Nick thrusts into him hard, hand wrapped around Greg's cock as he strokes in time with his thrusts. Greg comes, Nick's name falling from his lips and Nick moans through it, hips still moving until Nick can't take it anymore and he's coming too.

"Better." Nick says after minutes of quite afterglow.

He's still mostly lying on top of Greg, bodies sweaty and sticky from cum, but they both can't be bothered enough to care.

"Hmm." Greg says.

"So, wrapped into nice little compartments in your head by the time you wake up in the morning?"

It's mostly a question, mostly an affirmative all at the same time. Nick's known him long enough to not have to question, but he's cautious enough to still add that hint of it in his voice.

They'd told him to consider therapy after the explosion, after the whole thing with Demetrius James. The first time he'd taken them up on their offer. It had been free and it hadn't been like Greg had had anything to lose by showing up for a session.

Five minutes into the session Greg had known it wouldn't be for him. He still doesn't know how, but he just knows. He'd gone anyway, just so the department wouldn't think he was mentally unhinged, shaking hands and all.

The second time, with James, Greg had wanted to tell them no. He'd wanted to say that he had the best therapy in the world. That he had Nick and he knows that it's probably not a good idea to rely on one person to solve all of your problems like that, at least someone who's not a professional.

He doesn't care though because they all have their thing. Catherine has her daughter and Grissom has his bugs and case files. Warrick has his wife, even if that's strained during the best of times and Sara had her police scanner. Greg's not sure what she has now, though he's got a theory on the whole subject that's going to earn him fifty bucks from Wendy.

Greg's learned you need someone to help you through the day. He knows some CSIs do like therapists, that they help some people.

But Greg doesn't need that.

"Hmm… yup. Sex therapy. Works every time."

"Greg…"

"I'm not quite ready for serious yet, Nick. Talk to me again in the morning."

"When everything's in your head boxes."

Greg frowns, runs his fingers through Nick's sweaty hair because Nick's still on top of him and he thinks Nick might need it.

"If it were really serious, you'd be the first to know." Greg says.

"But it's not."

"Everything else seems a lot less important when I'm around you."

Nick gives him a big smile, eyes crinkling in the corner and Greg could stare at that smile until the end of time.

"Sweet talker."

"That's right baby. I'm a smooth operator. Now I'm thinking sleep is in order."

"I still think you should talk to Grissom about the day shift guys. It's not right Greg. You've paid your dues."

Greg smiles lazily, sleep already calling to him, but Nick's not going to let this one go. Not that easily.

"What are you gonna do? Defend my honor."

"If I gotta."

Greg's smile widens.

"Yeah, yeah I know. And you know what, the fact that you would. Just the fact that you would do it if you could… it's enough for me Nick. You're enough for me."

Nick takes in a deep breath.

"I love you."

"I know, it's kind of hard not to. No one faults you for it. In fact a lot of people want to be you." Greg says jokingly.

"Greg." Nick says seriously.

"I love you too, Nick. You know that. God, Nick if it wasn't for you… I'm just… I'd be…"

He tries to find the right words because this got serious again without him really paying attention. Nick helps him though, leans down and kisses him softly. First his lips, then his eyelids and cheeks and Greg's breathing returns to normal and the lump in his throat subsides a bit.

"I know, baby. I'd be lost without you too."

Greg smiles.

"Okay so now that the heavy portion of the evening is over… sleep? You're heavy and I want to cuddle."

Nick laughs as he rolls off of Greg. Pulls Greg to him after he's situated and holds Greg as close as possible.

And there's no other place Greg would rather be.

FIN