Title: If I Give My Heart To You
Author: podga

Pairing: Gil Grissom/Nick Stokes
Rating: PG-13 for language
Warning: None
Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me and I don't make money off of them
Summary: Gil is also affected.

It rarely occurs to Gil to think of life in terms of what's fair and what's not. Things simply are what they are, and he navigates through them one day at a time. He doesn't regret his past (although he is aware that sometimes he might have handled a situation in a better way, if for no other reason than that someone always seems eager to point this out to him) and he doesn't waste too much effort planning for the future. He occupies his place in the world according to his principles and to the best of his ability, and he's at peace with himself.

He'd always been that way in his relationships, as well. He gave it his best try, but if it didn't work out, he moved on. When he was younger the future possibilities seemed endless and when he got older he figured he just didn't have that many opportunities left; either way, why waste time and effort?

Nick ruined his sense of equanimity, of balance. Completely blew it to pieces.

----------

He's at home when he gets the call. Over time he's slipped back into his old weekend routines: books, music, surfing the internet, some TV. Weekends used to ground him, recharge his batteries for another week of being around people. They still do to a degree, but he's also always conscious of an absence, an empty spot he doesn't really want to acknowledge. In the middle of reading a book or of solving a crossword puzzle he'll suddenly come to the realization that he's sleepwalking, just going through the motions. It jars him painfully, in almost the exact same way as when he's just crossed into sleep and dreams that he's falling.

He sighs when he sees Sara's name on the screen. Even though he pretends he's completely unaware of Sara's feelings for him, he knows they're there. Something's always held him back from openly confronting them or her, but he knows, even though he also knows that he's not completely aware of where they stem from or of their depth. In another lifetime, he might have even welcomed them. Now he's just irritated, annoyed that Sara won't let up.

He lets the phone ring twice more, tempted to let the call go to voicemail, before he finally answers.

"Grissom? I just got a call from Nick, asking me to go pick him up from a bar. He sounded pretty out of it. I'm at work and can't get away. Can you help out?"

Sara sounds concerned, but there's also a hint of triumph in her voice. Gil hears it and knows why she called him, Nick's supervisor, instead of Warrick or even Greg. It would have taken a person far more subtle than Sara to pass up on the opportunity to show him that she's not the only screw-up in his team, to knock Nick, with whom she's always competed, down a peg or two.

"What's the address?" he asks, aware that she's interpreting his clipped tone as disappointment in Nick, rather than in her.

----------

Oh, sweetheart, he thinks when he sees Nick sitting slumped on the none-too-clean floor. He wants to kneel down next to him, cradle him in his arms. It's not the first time Gil has seen Nick drunk, but never like this; never out of unhappiness, out of despair.

"Nick. Come on, get up," he says, careful to keep his tone flat, ordinary.

Nick squints up at him.

"Hey, Gil, what's up?"

Nick's question is so incongruous under the circumstances that he can't help smiling.

"Not much. What's up with you?"

"Not much. Waiting for Sara."

It's obvious Nick's not very happy to see him. He should be used to it by now, but it still hurts. The fact that he vaguely understands the reasons isn't much consolation.

----------

Gil hates standing by helplessly, and it's all he's been doing for weeks. Of course he accepts why Nick has shut down, he knows the healing process takes time. At first he was content to stay on the sidelines, try and protect Nick without being obvious about it, until Nick returned to him. Now he's not so sure that it will ever happen; there are some moments that make him feel hopeful, but overall the longer time passes, the farther away Nick seems to be drifting. Maybe he should confront Nick with how he feels about things, force Nick into some sort of reaction. Only he's afraid it won't be a reaction he'll like.

He rubs Nick's back as Nick bends over, throwing up in the gutter. When Nick straightens, he puts his arm around him, trying to gently shepherd him towards the car. Nick surprises him by turning into his arms, burying his head into Gil's shoulder. For a second he freezes, then his hand instinctively re-traces the old caresses. He wants to lean his head against Nick's, feel Nick's cheek against his own. He briefly considers taking advantage of Nick's lowered defences, but he knows it won't solve anything.

"I don't think you want to do this," he tells Nick and pushes him away, hoping against hope that Nick will prove just the opposite. And even though he expects it, the sense of Nick pulling away again hits him painfully, almost like a physical blow. And when Nick expresses his remorse, his sense of obligation, red-hot anger almost chokes Gil, even while he tries to say the right things. He wants to punch Nick, cause Nick the same hurt Nick is causing him and afterwards just walk away and be done with it.

Until Nick asks him to take him to his home. Then he puts his arm around Nick again, and the anger subsides as quickly as it rose, forgotten as if it had never existed in the first place.

----------

For a while he lies on the bed next to Nick, careful to keep distance between them. Nick is sleeping curled on his side, his arms curved around his head, almost like he's protecting himself. Tentatively, Gil reaches out and gently strokes Nick's shoulder, but even in his stupor Nick seems to flinch away, so he stops and just continues looking at him, watching over him.

Afterwards he gets up, closes the bedroom door softly behind him and goes to the living room. He restarts the CD player and Nat King Cole sings "If I give my heart to you." He sits on the couch, staring at the empty armchair Nick always used to sprawl on, and listens to Nat saying that he will only give his heart if his love promises to handle it with care and always be true.

Gil isn't sentimental, never has been. Yet tonight, more than ever, he knows that giving one's heart has very little to do with conscious decisions or promises given. But if he keeps his own promises to Nick, even though they've never been uttered in so many words, Nick might eventually find his way back to where they were before the flip of a coin changed both their lives.