Title: Don't Be A Hero
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Las Vegas/CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Table: Big Bang Inspirations, tv_universe
Prompt: Hero
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Ryan Wolfe, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Ryan sat up in bed, eyes wide, a gasp frozen in his throat. He pressed a hand against his chest, swallowing hard, trying to pull the remnants of the nightmare together to make some kind of coherent sense out of it -- if that was even possible.

Usually, it was Greg who was given to having bad dreams. Tonight, it had been his turn. For some reason, the dream that he hadn't had in so long, the dream where he'd been held down and violated with a gun barrel, had come back to haunt him.

He could still remember every second of those terrifying moments; the knowledge of what was being done to him, the fear that the gun would discharge and send a bullet into his body. He'd almost wept with relief when it was over, though he hadn't let himself have that luxury.

Ryan turned his head to look over at his boyfriend, who was still sleeping soundly. Greg had been really tired last night; he was glad that his lover hadn't been awakened by his abrupt movement when he'd sat up. He didn't want to explain to Greg what had happened.

It was enough that they had talked about it a few times, even though Ryan had never been able to bring himself to tell Greg what it had been like. He had never talked about that with anyone; he hadn't even tried to describe it to the shrink he'd had to see.

That wasn't something that he could talk about with a stranger. Even though it might have been healthy for him to do so, to get those feelings out in the open and deal with them, he simply couldn't let anyone see that side of him, the side that was still terrified of those memories.

Better to try to bury them, to push them away. Better to try to be a hero, and put the bad things that had happened behind him. Ryan sighed at the thought, carefully lying back down so as to avoid waking Greg., even though he knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep.

Ever since he'd first decided to become a cop, he'd been told not to be a hero. He'd heard it from his family, his friends, even from the other cops that he'd worked with. And he'd heard it even more when he had become a CSI, from all sides.

Maybe going undercover into what he had known could erupt into a bad situation had been playing the hero -- but if he hadn't done it, then someone else would have had to, and they would more than likely have suffered through the same thing.

On reflection, Ryan couldn't say that he was glad it had been him and not someone else. He would never say that he was glad something like that had happened to him. But he had been able to deal with it better than some of the people he'd worked with at the time would have been.

It was over and done now. It was in the past, and the man who had committed the crime was behind bars. So why were the nightmares coming back? This was the second time he'd dreamed about this in the past week; he didn't want to keep being assaulted like this.

Every time he had that dream -- no, not a dream, a memory that kept coming back -- he felt a little piece of him break away. If it kept happening, then at some point, there would be nothing left of him to break off. He would be completely shattered.

How would he explain that to Greg? How would he tell his boyfriend just why he had broken down? And how would Greg feel once he knew that his partner had been keeping secrets from him, when he should have let him in to share that burden?

He needed to talk to Greg about this, Ryan thought with another sigh. But this wasn't the right moment for that, obviously. He wasn't going to wake his boyfriend from a sound sleep to talk about something that he should have been over a long time ago.

Was this what came of trying to be a hero? Did all the cops and CSIs out there who put their lives on the line and got caught in a situation like the one he'd been in suffer from memories like this that wouldn't go away, memories that turned into horrific nightmares?

Maybe they did. He hadn't really talked to anyone about the possibility, so he had no clue. Just one more thing that he should probably try to talk to someone about, he thought wryly. He'd kept far too much bottled up inside, and now it was starting to come out -- in the wrong ways.

Having those bad memories translate into nightmares wasn't good for him -- and at some point, it would start affecting Greg, too. Then he would have to tell his boyfriend about the nightmares -- he would have no choice. He didn't want to do that.

He didn't want Greg to feel that he'd been holding back something that they should have been talking about. It would make him feel guilty, even though he hadn't talked about any of this because he wanted to spare Greg any worry. He didn't want to destroy his boyfriend's peace of mind.

But if he didn't figure out a way to stop these nightmares soon, or someone to talk to about them and try to unburden his mind, they were going to destroy his own peace of mind. He had to stop them somehow, had to find a way to put the past where it belonged.

Was this what came of being a hero? Nightmares, worry, and the feeling that everything was starting to close in, like a prison that got smaller and smaller and couldn't be escaped from? If so, he was sorry that he had ever thought he could be a hero in any way.

He didn't want to be a hero ever again, if this was what came of it. He'd rather just be a nice, ordinary guy, living his ordinary life, however dull some people might think it was. To him, it wasn't dull. He had everything he could possibly want out of life.

He worked at a job he loved, even though he saw horrible injustices every day. He saw sights that would make a lot of people turn away in horror. But the satisfaction he got from putting a killer behind bars, solving a case and finding justice for the victim, made up for the horror.

Not only that, but he was in a wonderful relationship with a man he loved more than life itself. With Greg by his side, he didn't need to try to be a hero. He was content just to be Ryan, beloved of Greg. Nothing else really mattered to him.

As long as he could keep doing the job that was such a big part of his life, and his relationship with Greg was the center of that life, then he would be happy. Heroism was something he didn't need to reach for. He had everything he wanted in his grasp already.

He didn't need to be a hero, but he did need to talk about the disturbing events in his past, as reluctant as he was to do so. If he didn't, Ryan had the distinct feeling that they would never be laid to rest, and he didn't want to color the rest of his life.

With that decision made, he felt more relaxed and much more calm. Turning over onto his side and snuggling up against Greg, he closed his eyes and slid his arms around his boyfriend's waist, hugging Greg close and waiting for sleep to claim him.

***