Previous part of - A Season in Hell.

***

Gil blinked at Nick and shook his head. "I'm not going back to Vegas."

Nick crossed his arms in front of him. "Then neither am I."

Gil sighed and pitched the bridge of his nose. "Nick, the lab needs you. You have work--"

"I quit."

Gil looked up at that and stared at Nick. "You can't quit."

"Yes, I can," Nick said as he sat down in a chair opposite Gil. "I would rather be here, helping and showing you how much I appreciate you then to go back to Vegas."

Gil frowned in confusion. "But..."

"But what," Nick asked as he stared straight into Gil's eyes.

"I'm," Gil paused then shook his head. "I don't need that. I'm fine and I don't need your help."

Nick swallowed hard and tried to keep from yelling at Gil. "What? Of course you do." Nick stood and towered over Gil. "These last few months have been hell for you. It's not just something you can shrug off. If it was, you wouldn't be here."

"Nick, it's over."

Nick stared at Gil. He never wanted to hear Gil say those words again. "It's over? Jesus, Gil. Nothing is just over." He clenched his jaw shut and paced the floor to keep from doing something like yelling or maybe hitting Gil for his denial. He finally stopped pacing and stood in front of Gil. "Look, you have saved my life twice, I respect you, I admire you, and..." Nick trailed off then shook his head. "What I'm saying is that I need to do this. And you're not going to stop me."

Gil sat staring at Nick for a moment before nodding. "If that's your choice then...I can't stop you."

Nick nodded. "Good, cause you can't." He looked around the library then back down at Gil. "Since I'm staying here, you have to introduce me to your relatives." He smiled and shrugged. "They know me, I don't know them."

Gil blinked and slightly frowned. He stood and walked with Nick to the door. "Okay, but I'm warning you..."

Nick laughed. "Come on, I have seven siblings and a hell of a lot more relatives than you."

"I was going to say my Uncle Tim likes to sing and play the guitar, but he can't."

"Great," Nick said as he smiled and rubbed his hands together. "Karaoke."

Gil shook his head. "No."

"Yep, come on." Nick grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the room and down the stairs.

The noise of Gil's relatives talking came to a stop as they entered the living room. Nick smiled politely with his hand still on Gil's arm. Gil just looked around at everyone trying to figure out where to start.

"Okay," Gil said. "These are my relatives. Relatives this is Nick. Introduce yourselves while I get us a drink." He quickly turned around and went into the kitchen.

Nick only smirked and shook his head then turned back to the family. "I know Steven and Aunt Mary..."

The rest of what Nick was saying was cut off as Gil shut the kitchen door and leaned back against it with his eyes closed. The idea of Nick staying with him again was madding. How was he going to deal with that?

"Uncle Gil?"

Gil opened his eyes and saw Austin sitting at the kitchen counter picking at the fruit salad. "Yeah?"

Austin looked at the bowl and ate a grape before he looked back up. "Can I talk to you?"

Gil frowned and sat down at the counter across from Austin. "Of course."

Austin smiled and took a drink of his drink. "Dad doesn't let me watch the news, he says that I shouldn't be exposed to bad things, but I heard him talking on the phone to Uncle Dave about you. Then the lady at the doctor's office said the same thing my dad was talking about..." he trailed off and looked up at Gil.

Gil didn't know what to do, so he just nodded and waited for what Austin had put together. The kid was smart, skipped a grade in school and so did Alexandra. With the two of them, they were probably more grown up than their dad.

Austin handed Gil a grape then ate one himself. "Why are your hands shaking?"

Gil ate the grape and stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets. As he shifted in his seat, he wondered why he was starting to feel intimidated by his nine year old cousin. "What were you going to say?"

Austin shrugged. "That you're my uncle and...we want you to stay."

"Oh," Gil said and he let out a heavy sigh. "Who are we?"

"Me and Alex."

Gil smiled and nodded. "I, uh, I hope I can stay."

"Oh, okay," Austin said. He turned his head sideways and looked at Gil like he just thought of something. "Do you like tests?"

"Like school tests," Gil asked as ate an orange slice.

"No." Austin sighed deep and ate a piece of an apple slice. "Dad said it was like the time I had my IQ tested, and I was skipped up a grade, but different."

"What's it for?" Gil had a suspicion, but he wasn't going to assume anything.

Austin shrugged. "I don't know. My dad tried to explain it. Something about how I only pay attention to the things that interest me, but everything else," he shrugged again. "I don't seem to care."

Gil slowly nodded. "I understand."

"You do," Austin asked as he finally looked up at him from the fruit bowl.

"More than you think," Gil said as he stood. "I need to go back out there. Are you going to be okay in here?" He opened the refrigerator door and grabbed two beers and looked back at Austin who was watching him.

"Yeah, just hungry."

Gil shut the door and turned back. "Can I make you anything?"

Austin just shook his head.

"Okay," Gil said as he walked by the boy but turned around before he left. "If you want,--before you take the test--I can talk to you about it."

Austin smiled at him. "Cool."

Gil smirked and left the kitchen. Maybe Austin wasn't that far from being his dad after all. He spotted Nick already having a conversation with his male cousins and uncles. As he approached he heard them talking about football.

"Nick, Dallas isn't making anything, yet alone the playoffs," Steven said as he pointed his beer bottle at Nick.

"At least they're better than San Francisco," Nick said right back.

Gil noticed that his Texan accent was on full force. "Here." He tapped Nick on the shoulder.

Nick accepted the beer from Gil and took a drink. "Where have you been?"

"Talking to Austin," Gil said as he stared right at Steven. "We need to talk."

Steven looked confused, and it wasn't helping that he was buzzing pretty good. "Why? Me and Dallas Nick here are talking football. Give us a minute and we'll be talking baseball and you can join in."

"Now."

Nick looked over at Gil. He knew that voice; it was Gil's supervisor voice. "Gil, what's this about?"

"Not you. Steven," Gil said as he walked out of the living room.

Steven was still confused and now worried as he followed. Nick had been watching Gil, he was looking out of it and his hands were shaking. This wasn't good.

"What the hell is this about, Gil?" Steven was starting to get angry and he was practically yelling by now.

As soon as they were outside on the back porch Gil turned around and faced Steven. "Austin told me you're going to have him tested. Asperger's, right?"

Steven stopped talking and shook his head. "Damn it."

"You can't handle it, Steven. Never could," Gil said as he leaned back against a porch railing. "It frustrates you."

Steven sat down on the railing and looked over at Gil. "I know, but if he's having problems then it needs to be fixed."

Gil stared hard at him. "This isn't a problem, it can't be fixed."

Steven pushed off the railing and stared pacing. He got out a cigarette and offered one to Gil. Once they both had a lit cigarette, he stopped pacing and leaned up against the railing.

Gil watched as Steven thought about what to say as he stared at the wooden floor of the porch. "Can you handle this, Steven?"

Steven glanced up at him and shook his head. "Me, handle a child who's going to be just as much as a control freak as you...no way." He rubbed his head. "What can I do? My son doesn't understand me, Gil. He," he stopped then continued. "He needs attention that I can't give him, routines, and keeping him on a certain diet or he won't eat. I try to explain things but he just doesn't get it."

Gil was getting frustrated at his cousin. "That's because you're explaining it wrong."

"Then fuck, Gil. Tell me how," Steven yelled. "You do the quote thing, right? Quotes and lyrics and what-the-fuck-ever explains what you feel and think, and you understand that. Do I do that?"

"I don't know," Gil said a little harsher than necessary. "Everyone is different. Me, him, we're different. When you have it, you can't explain how to..." he stopped and shook his head. "Hell, I can't even voice how I don't understand this, Steven." He stared and studied Steven.

Steven nodded. "See, that's what I'm talking about. He does that. Austin can stare at me for five minutes in confusion before something clicks, and sometimes it's not even the right thing."

"It's not that he doesn't know; it's that we have fifty million possibilities in our heads and it's picking the right one that makes it hard. We have to categorize and reason everything or else we don't get it or we forget it whatever comes first." Gil was feeling his hands clenching so he had to put the cigarette out before he was finished with it.

"So, you're telling me I have to tell him what to feel."

"No, you ask him to explain to you exactly what he's experiencing inside him then you tell him what that is, once he connects the experience to the label then he'll know. Right now, what are you feeling?"

"I'm upset and confused."

Gil studied Steven. "You're not sick are you?"

"No, why," Steven asked as he looked over Gil the same way.

"When you say the word 'upset', to me it means that you're feeling like you're going to get sick on my shoes. Next time, use 'angry', it's concert."

Steven stared at him then nodded. "So, he needs to hear words with a concrete definition to know what I'm talking about."

Gil shrugged. "That's part of it."

"What are you feeling," Steven asked as he walked a little closer.

Gil stiffened at the question but also the sudden closeness. "Uh..." he searched for the right word but couldn't come up with anything, so instead he said, "Could you back up?"

Steven smirked and nodded and took a step back. "Just messing with you, cuz." His smirk faded and he frowned. "Do you understand...your own emotions?"

Gil pursed his lips in thought before saying, "Sometimes, other times." He shrugged. "But, I'm older. I've learned how to understand emotions..."

"But he only understands it for himself and it's hard for him to connect them to other people. That's why you have to tell him exactly what you feel and not beat around the bush or shoot him signals, or else he is clueless."

Both men turned and saw Nick standing just inside the door. Gil practically became a statue and couldn't even blink, while Steven smirked and walked around Nick and into the house.

"I'll leave this to you two," Steven said before he shut the door.

Nick came out onto the porch and looked around the yard. "Nice place." He turned to Gil. "I thought you didn't like talking about yourself."

Gil finally moved and shrugged. "I don't, but Austin and his dad needed to know. It's like explaining facts about a case, right?" He shot Nick's own words back to him.

Nick wasn't amused. "You're not a case though." He took Steven's place and leaned against the railing.

Gil didn't move and say anything. His head wrinkled in confusion and his lips turned down.

Nick smiled and shook his head. "I'm not angry that you let Austin's dad know what he needed to know about his son."

Gil nodded while staring at Nick then went to walk to the door. Nick stopped him by getting in front of him.

"Hey," Nick said as he blocked the door. "I wasn't eavesdropping if that's what you think. I was scared for Steven...and you."

Gil was in disbelief. "For someone who thinks they know me, you're very wrong in assuming how I think." He stepped to Nick's side and Nick let him go into the house.

Gil headed for the guest room. Uncle Tim was sitting in a chair by the hallway trying to play and sing along to Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze".

"You like it. It's my new Gibson electric."

"It's great, Tim," Gil said as he continued to the room.

Gil shut the door and locked it behind him. He sat down on the bed and tried to breathe in and out, but he was only getting it in and coughing it out. What was wrong with him? Why did that conversation feel worse than talking to a murderer? An answer entered his brain but he pushed it out and focused on his breathing.

The drawer came out of the dresser as he pulled to hard on the knobs. The wooden drawer fell to the floor and the contents scattered on the floor. He searched through the clothes and found the white bag he was looking for.

The light to the bathroom flicked on as Gil entered and filled a glass with water. His body was aching, head pounding, and he felt tired; his body was heavy. He was dead weight and he wasn't even dead.

Maybe he should be.

After he downed the pills he stared at himself in the mirror. This was getting out of control, he was out of control, but he couldn't stop it. Did he even want to? He glanced over at the white bag with his prescriptions in it. They weren't lasting as long. The aches were coming faster then before. Did he need to up the dose of each?

He was doing all right before, while he was in the cabin. Withdrawing was a pain, but he was doing it. The way his body and mind ached was what was killing him, making him take the pills, at least that was what he told himself. He couldn't handle not having control of himself, the pills gave him that, only if it was for a little while.

He heard a knock at his door as he went to grab the bag and take one more of each pill.

"Gil? Are you feeling okay," Nick asked through the door.

Gil took one last look at his reflection in the mirror then went into the bedroom. "I'm fine," he said as his voice cracked. Shit.

"You don't sound fine. Gil," Nick said through the door, his voice a little muffled by the thick door and the music playing. "We need another player out here for cards. What do you say?"

Gil looked at the door. It wasn't himself he couldn't handle. It was them. All of them, they wanted to take his control away. He quickly went back into the bathroom. He forgot the bag on the counter. "In a minute."

Nick tried to open the door. "What are you doing?"

"Bathroom."

There was silence as Gil searched the room for someplace to stash the bag. A sound stopped his search and he looked at the door. Nick was trying to get the lock open. It wouldn't take much; all he needed was a credit card.

Gil spotted the closet door and opened it; he was glad his mom didn't put carpet in the closet too. The back right wooden panel was loose and he could always take it out. He hid many things in that small space. The panel came off easy and he put the bag in it. Nick would want to take his pills like he did before. Why didn't Nick see that he needed them?

The door opened just as Gil exited the closet that was right next to the door to the attached bathroom. Nick came in; Gil could see Steven behind him.

Nick looked over the room. "What happened?"

Gil looked at the drawer still on the floor. "It was stuck."

Nick stared at Gil. "So, you pulled it all the way out and threw your clothes around?"

Gil shrugged and gave Nick his innocent look.

Nick just shook his head. "Where are they?"

Gil frowned. "What?"

"Your pills, Gil," Nick almost yelled but stopped himself. He didn't want the whole family in Gil's room.

Gil glanced over at Steven who was looking more and more confused before he stared at Nick. "Don't you trust me?"

Nick looked hurt. "Yeah, I do...but you've lied to me before. Steven, shut the door." He waited for the door to be shut then turned back to look at Gil. "Where are they?"

When Nick didn't get an answer he went on a hunt. He searched the bathroom first then the bedroom. Steven and stood off to the side wondering what was going on. It wouldn't take long for him to either figure it out or Nick telling him.

After Nick tossed the room, he turned back to Gil. "Promise me," he said as he panted for air and sweat rain down his face. "Promise me that you don't have them."

Gil swallowed hard and stared at Nick for a long moment. "I...I promise."

Nick studied Gil's face then suddenly looked like he was about to hit Gil, but instead he hit the wall. "Damn it!" He turned back to Gil. "Where?!"

Gil shook his head and remained silent.

Nick looked over at Steven who was still in the room. "You want him to know? Huh, will that change your mind, him knowing what you're doing to yourself, or how about the rest of your family, Gil? You want them to know?"

Gil glanced over his shoulder at Steven then turned back to Nick and shook his head, nausea was rapidly creeping up him, but so was anger. "Nicky," he went to say.

Nick put his hands on his hips. "Don't, Gil. It's your choice."

Gil was slowly losing stability and he knew he was showing it. His hands were shaking at his sides and his heart was pounding in his chest. Nick was doing this to him, making him seem like the bad guy. Why would Nick do that? He stepped closer to Nick and pleaded with his eyes. "It's not my choice, Nicky. It's yours. Please don't do this."

Nick went to talk but closed his mouth. He swallowed down the anger in his throat and held back the tears. This wasn't Gil anymore. He was hoping that it would have been, but it wasn't. This was the addict talking and trying to manipulate. "Gil, you're right. It is my choice, because you don't know how to make one anymore." He put his right hand on Gil's right shoulder. "Don't be afraid to ask for help, you're stronger than that." He moved to the side of Gil, keeping his hand on Gil's shoulder. "Steven, Gil here has something to tell you."

Gil glanced over at Nick. Nick was smiling at him. He didn't know what happened, one minute he was debating what to do, the next nothing but rage filled him.

The first punch was a surprise to Nick. He felt the punch more than he saw it, then he felt pain as it stung his face. He tried to stop the second but it was already coming before the first punch even registered. Gil's third punch was caught by Steven, and Nick barely had time to think before he was tackling Gil to the ground.

Steven held down his hands and Nick was on top of him. Gil tired to fight them off but he couldn't even move. A high pitch scream reached his ears and when he realized it was his own voice he clenched his jaw shut and bit his tongue drawing blood. The taste of chopper filled his mouth, then...then he passed out.

Nick looked up once Gil stopped moving and checked for a pulse, which was steady and even.

"What the fuck was that," Steven asked as he stood up and looked down at Gil asleep on the floor.

Nick rubbed his face, wincing in pain as he rubbed over a spot where Gil hit him. "Help me put Gil on his bed then we'll discuss it."

***

Gil tossed in the bed, kicking the blanket off of him, throwing the pillow across the room, all while he was asleep. Sweat was soaking his clothes. At one point he finally stripped them off and was in his boxers, but it didn't stop the sweat from covering the bedspread. Dreams were coming back to him, ones he didn't want to remember.



Robert smiled at him. "You're amazing, Gil. Amazing and pathetic."

Gil didn't get a chance to blink before he felt a sharp pain at the side of his stomach then another in his ribs. The next two punches landed square in his chest and stomach. The air caught in his lungs and he bent over in pain. An elbow landed in his back and he fell to the floor gasping for air.

"We're going to have fun today, Gil."

Gil was surprised when Robert lifted him off the floor and pushed him through the townhouse. His bedroom was a fucking mess; he'd have to yell at Catherine some other time for it though because right now Robert's hand down his pants was too distracting. He tumbled down onto the bed. Robert undid his belt and tossed it to the floor beside the bed then he disposed himself of his own pants, shirt, and cotton boxers, Gil immediately tried to follow suit but his clothes kept peeling off. Robert chuckled and stripped Gil while he struggled beneath him. Robert positioned himself over Gil's chest and held his cock in front of Gil's mouth.

Gil was used to this, Robert was a sadist...it took him three years of being together to figure that out. No words had to be exchanged for Gil to figure out what he wanted him to do.

There was nothing he could do, so he accepted the stiffening member into his mouth. The hands in his hair tightened as he slowly swallowed the throbbing erection. Then with the sudden painful push of his head forward and the thrusting of Robert's hips into his face he started to work his way back and forth over the harden member fast and hard.

Gil knew what it was like to be fucked in the mouth, but being fucked in the mouth by Robert was something completely different. There was no control and no consideration for the one whose mouth he was pounding into. Gil wanted to do nothing more to gag, or maybe bit down if only to stop the painful experience, and he almost did, until he felt the man about to come then he swallowed hard.

Resting his head next to Robert's hip, Gil struggled to get his breathing under control. The burning and aching at the back of his throat was no surprise. He'd be lucky if he could talk later without it hurting. He was immediately yanked up by the back of his head to meet swollen lips and an uninvited tongue.

As fast as he was yanked up, Gil was pushed back down and suddenly flipped onto his stomach. He knew that when this sort of thing happened, there was no intimacy, no loving words, even though Robert always claimed to have loved him, and there was no reason to feel sorry afterwards. He wanted it to stop yet and the same wanted it not to end. He deserved this, he kept telling himself.

Gil felt Robert on top on him and a finger being pushed into his body. He arched up and moaned, or groaned, hell, he thought he almost screamed it hurt so much. There was no lubricant and he hadn't had sex with a man in six years. He felt tears form in his eyes and fall onto the pillow below him. He bit his lip and kept his eyes shut as he tried to focus on something else. The melting of his body, the battle of words and voices in his head, something.

Gil's eyes sprung open at the abrupt plunge of Robert's cock into his body. Then he felt a death grip on his hips. He closed his eyes as Robert, on the verge of savage rape, drove himself into his body over and over again. A fist went into his back and then another.

The beat fuck lasted what seemed for hours and Gil was on the edge of what sanity he had left when he finally felt the intruding member stiffen even more and heard Robert's soft mumble then he came again. The hands finally released his aching, bruise hips. Gil grabbed his own cock that was incredibly hard and aching under him and brought himself off as fast as he could while Robert collapsed on the bed next to him.

Gil arched and moaned into the pillow as he came, spilling himself all over his blanket. He was still shuddering from his release as he rolled onto his side with his eyes clenched shut. His hands found their way through his hair, down his face, and then up over his eyes. He pressed his palms to his eyes, hoping that would stop the tears from swelling up. He swallowed the painful lump in his throat and tried not to cough out a sob. He felt wrong, dirty, and extremely confused.

The ecstasy was still coursing through his body but that didn't stop his emotions, it amplified them. He hated himself; hated what he let happen...he should have died in his bathroom.

The bed shifted under his body. Robert was on top of him again, stroking his hand over Gil's body.

"Get the fuck off me." Gil's voice was barely a whisper.

Robert just continued to stare at him while stroking his body. He then stopped, grabbed Gil's arms with a hard grip and pulled them away from his face.

"Stop!" Gil tried to pull his arms out of Robert's hands but to no avail. "Get off...fucking me!" Gil knew that fighting Robert wasn't the best thing to do, seeing how the other man was a lot stronger, but he had to at least try.

Robert loosened his hand and let go of Gil's right arm. Gil quickly threw a fist toward Robert's face, nailing him square in his mouth. Robert was taken back for a second as it registered in his mind just what had happened.

Gil didn't get a chance to swing again as pain rippled through his chest. The first blow was a surprise, but he opened his stinging wet eyes enough to see all the others. A fist went in his chest, ribs, and lastly his stomach. He struggled to breathe as he wrapped his arms around his midsection. He wasn't hit in the face anymore; not since '78 when Robert learned that lesson the hard way.

The piercing laugh from Robert brought Gil back to the world. He stared into Robert's dark brown eyes without saying a word.

Robert finally stopped laughing then smirked as he pushed Gil's arms above his head and held them there again. "No one will ever love you, Gil, except for me." He kissed him on the lips then bit his bottom lip as he came up for air.

Robert's left hand slowly found its way to the belt on the floor.



Gil blinked his eyes open as his lungs drew in a much needed breath of air. The room was completely dark and it started to tilt. His head spun and his body felt numb. He stumbled out of the bed and made it to the bathroom; he was going to be sick. Once done he turned on the light and glanced around the room. Everything was put back in its place and cleaned up. Nick must have done that.

He made his way to the kitchen, the lights were all off and the living room was empty. The microwave clock said it was four in the morning. He set the coffee maker up then went to sit down in the living room but stopped in the entryway when he saw Nick asleep on the couch.

Gil stared at Nick. The younger man was sound asleep, fully clothed, and had a quilt thrown over him, one that his mom had for years. Someone in his family must have got it out of the closet and covered him with it.

The sound of water running came from upstairs. Gil was slightly surprised but figured that someone had to stay; no one would have left him all by himself anyway, with or without Nick there.

He wondered briefly why anyone would care before he went back into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee. The back porch and a cigarette were calling his name, so he made his way to the back of the house and opened the back door.

The sun wasn't coming up yet, since it was winter time he had at least another two hours before any daylight was visible. He sat on the back steps and had to laugh. The last time he remembered doing his exact same thing was the day before he left for college.

His mom came out and sat with him. She was worried that college was going to change him. In a way, it had. All experiences changed a person. Going to college wasn't even an issue, he just knew he had to do it and he was glad he did. They were some of the best experiences in his life, but things really started to change when he got back. Most of his relatives stopped talking to him. He put it off as him getting older and them moving away or having children of their own. Herbert or Dave never stopped talking to him, or his mother, but just about everyone else did. By the time he moved to Vegas, he didn't talk to anyone except for his mother.

Being alone and feeling lonely were to completely different things, but he never felt lonely while he lived alone. It was always around people that he would feel that he couldn't connect. They just reminded him how...strange he really was.

The thing was that he couldn't remember when exactly that had happened.

High school, he was a ghost. He learned how not to be noticed or how not to engage in activities. Yeah, he would sit alone at the lunch table, never having a partner for a project, and only having friends that could recite the Periodic Table because they didn't care that he was unpopular. College, now that was different. People were more...open to him there. He was known as the quirky science geek but knew about baseball so he was invited to the games with a group of guys from his class. He was seen as nice and charming so he got a date once in a while and even had a relationship, but he couldn't even call a month, two, or three month fling with a woman every now-and-then a relationship, could he? And what was he kidding, it wasn't even a fling, they didn't even have sex.

There was the thing he didn't have sex with any of them. He had a three week relationship with Fredrick before he had to go back to England and he had gotten further with him than any woman he dated back then. Women fascinated him, made him weak in the knees, but he never had a long enough relationship with them to even have sex.

Then Robert happened.

Gil took a long drag from the cigarette and took a sip of his coffee. Robert. What was he thinking?



He had to be crazy. How else could he agree to do this? A date...a date with a man. Robert. Stupid, stupid him. For a so-called genius he could be so stupid...Fuck.

Gil pulled into a parking spot in front of a bar in West Hollywood. He stayed in his car, letting it idle, as he regained control. Since he got the phone call he was being really confused and totally conflicted. He had just gotten through a weird relationship and he wasn't ready to go out on a date. And with a man? He hadn't really been with a man. And when was Robert gay?

A date...No not a date. A drink, just a drink nothing else, he told himself as he pulled the key out of the ignition and climbed out of the car, letting the door slam behind him. Not a date, not a date.

He searched the smoky little bar and spotted Robert in a back booth, sipping on a drink.

Just a drink, one drink. Indulge him for a while then leave. He tried to calm himself down but it was failing. His eyes locked on Robert's at that moment. Robert smiled and Gil was positive he felt a shiver go down his spine. He took a seat across from Robert and conjured up a smile, small, but a smile none the less. Robert raised his hand and a waiter was over in no time.

"Bourbon for my friend," Robert said to the waiter.

He watched as the waiter left then turned back. "How did you know?"

"Good guess?" Robert laughed. "Mel told me."

Grover Washington Jr.'s album 'Mister Magic' was playing in the background as he nodded and studied the bar, trying to make it seem he wasn't actually seizing Robert up. Robert was actually not that bad looking guy. He had brown hair and eyes, devilishly handsome features, and a bright smile.

He couldn't believe he found him sexy, but he did. Okay, the thing with Fredrick wasn't a fluke. He cleared his throat, finally found his voice. "I work with the LA County Coroner's office. So, that's why the," he gestured with his hands. "Um, what do you do?" Oh yeah, he definitely need to work on his people skills.

Robert smirked. "Yeah? I'm a doctor, well, psychiatrist. You think this is strange, huh?"

Strange? Oh, this was beyond strange, he thought. "No, just..." he trailed off as he tried to think of the right words. Crazy, horrifying...very, very stupid of him. "Unexpected."

The waiter arrived and sat down his drink.

He stopped the waiter from leaving as he down the drink and put it back on the table. "Another, please?"

The waiter nodded and left to get him another drink.

Damn it. One drink down and he was still there...Shit. He sighed and stared at the table.

Robert slightly frowned. "I'm sorry for surprising you but that's what I was going for. So, surprise!"

"Haha, fucking hilarious," he mumbled under his breath. "What do you want Robert? I know you're not gay, so what's the deal?"

Robert looked actually hurt. "You're right. I'm not gay, I'm bi. And what I want? I'm sure you already know, but if you need me to explain I'll be more than willing." He winked and took a drink of his whiskey.

"I'm not interested."

"Gil, I know you, believe it or not. Yeah, we've never been out, but we've hung out and partied together. You're not going to just sit there and tell me that you're not interested when I'm certain you are. Why else would you be here?"

"I just got out of a relationship."

"Two months isn't a relationship. You like me, I know you do," Robert said with a smug grin.

The waiter sat another shot down in front of him. He took the glass and started to glide it back and forth through his hands while he thought about the situation. He bit his bottom lip and caught sight of how it made Robert stare and shift uncomfortable in his seat.

"Well Gil? Why are you here?" Robert looked like he was getting impatient.

He downed his drink. Two shots of bourbon and he was still there, on a date with Robert Davis and considering his offer. Two months with Julie, with no sex. He was a stupid and pathetic man. He locked eyes with Robert. "Your place or mine?"



Gil put out his cigarette, down the rest of his coffee, and then went out the back gate.


8888888888


Nick searched the house and came up empty. He nearly collided with Steven coming through the backdoor. "Find him?"

"No," Steven said and shook his head. "But the back gate is open."

Nick stared at Steven and frowned. "Where could he have gone?"

Steven smirked at Nick. "You don't know him that well, huh? There's only one place Gil will go that is that way," he said as he pointed to outside. "The beach."



Gil stared at the water coming up to his feet, soaking them, and then going back to the edge of the shore. He should have left a note, or woken Nick, or told whomever it was taking a shower that he was leaving. If Steven was the one still there, he'd know where he was.

He looked down at his wrist, hoping to see what time it was, but he wasn't wearing his watch. That was not a good thing, especially for him. Time flew by most of the time to the point he didn't even know what day it was. It was December, that was all he knew because it was hard to miss the Christmas sale signs in the windows of every store he passed and the lights around palm trees. That thought made him miss Minnesota and Boston.

The sun wasn't burning him so he lay back on the sand and stared up at the sky. Hopefully no one would bother him. A family was there, setting up a picnic about fifty yards down. The day wasn't supposed to be hot, so maybe they would be the only ones there.

He swallowed hard in his dry mouth. The walk from the house to the beach wasn't too far, but far enough, plus the walk on the beach, that took a lot out of him. He couldn't remember the last time he walked so much...

The forest and the cabin flashed before his eyes. That walk through the dark forest was longer, and he was injured, couldn't breathe, shaking and hurting from withdrawal...

"Sir, sir, are you okay?"

Gil rolled over on his hands and knees and tried to breathe. The sand went through the gaps between his fingers as he fisted the ground.

"Sir, I'm calling 9-1-1."

Gil shook his head rapidly. "No, I'm okay," his voice strained and he nearly coughed out the words. "Just...." Just what? Another panic attack? He sat back down on the sand, this time facing inland, and put his head between his legs.

"You sure? I'm worried that..."

"I'm fine," Gil breathed out and his head felt light and dizzy. That was him, light and dizzy all the time. There were spots in front of his eyes so he closed them. "Not, a problem."

"Thank God, I thought you were having a stroke or something."

Gil shook his head between his legs with his eyes still closed. "Sorry..."

"Gil!?"

Gil looked up and saw Nick and Steven coming toward him. Great, that was the last thing he needed. His vision stared to fade and he hit the ground, still looking at Nick running toward him. Then he couldn't see.


8888888888


How in the hell did this happen? Gil glanced back and forth between Nick and Steven. Were they expecting him to say something? He took a sip of the ice water and a drag off his cigarette and waited.

Steven looked at Nick who did the same before they both looked back at him.

The last thing Gil remembered was sitting on the beach, his head between his legs, a stressed and worried woman hovering above him, and then...a sideways profile of Nick. Well, it could be worse; he could have crashed his car on the side of the interstate and been framed for murder. Experiencing that once in a lifetime was enough.

The air conditioning made him a little lightheaded. Gil was still feeling hot from being outside even as he sat in the small diner. He became conscious again halfway through the run to get him inside someplace cool. No one even asked questions as Nick and Steven partly carried and partly dragged him into the diner then dropped him in a booth.

Now, here he was with those two concerned looking people staring at him and he didn't even remember the question. "What time is it," he finally asked after who knows how long.

Nick looked at his watch. "Five till one."

Gil nodded. When he left the house, the sun was barely coming up. What took them so long to find him? They didn't care about him. He wondered how long it took them to even realize that he was gone. He took a longer drink of the water and stared at the cigarette in his hand.

Nick had looked like he wanted to take it away when he first took it out and lit it, just like Nick wanted to do with his pills, take them away. They were keeping him from doing something stupid, at least when he could still control himself. From the look of Nick, he probably lost that control...or Uncle Ed had. He wanted to ask what happened, but in a way, he already knew.

"Steven knows," Nick finally said after a series of emotions crossed his face. "I told him last night after..."

Gil didn't need to know the rest. He just nodded then glanced over at Steven. He and Steven had been close when they were younger. Since Steven was only two and eight months younger than he was they went to concerts together. After college, he barely saw him because Steven had been doing a lot of things that Gil disagreed with and started to become friends with people that ended up on the slab in his morgue. He was grateful Steven never did.

"Dana's taking the kids back to Seattle. I wanted to stay here a few days and make sure everything's okay before I go back," Steven said as he played with a straw wrapper.

Gil knew he wanted a cigarette but Steven had made a comment last night about needing to quit.

A waitress came up and asked for their orders.

Gil wasn't feeling very hungry but it had been hours since he last ate, last night to be honest. So, he ordered anyway. "Coffee, and...wheat toast with butter, fruit...and eggs scrambled, please."

The waitress nodded and looked over at Nick and Steven.

Nick looked over the menu. "Just a club sandwich and iced tea, please."

Steven smiled at the waitress. "I'll have the same." Once the waitress was gone he shrugged over at Nick. "I really didn't feel like ordering."

The next five minutes went by slow for Gil. Steven and Nick were talking about college basketball. He had stopped watching college basketball when he left California. Why, he didn't know. Too busy he guessed. He tried to remember the last time he watched the NBA and couldn't even remember. Football was never his cup of tea, but he did watch the Super Bowl almost every year, just because it was on Sunday night and they never worked on Sundays.

Poker and Baseball on the other hand...

"Gil?"

Gil looked up from the cup of coffee that was suddenly on the table and noticed the waitress was back. He smiled an apology and took his plate. After she was gone he focused on trying to eat. The fruit went fast and he picked at the eggs while tearing pieces off the toast and eating it. He could feel eyes on him, but that didn't make him anymore hungry than what he was.

The clothes Gil had on still were still loose on him; he had to wear a belt to keep them on instead of him just looking professional. His shirt was practically hanging off him. Maybe he should go shopping later and buy smaller clothes, Greg size clothes. That thought made his stomach want to turn. He was drastically underweight, unhealthy, and probably killing his organs and insides. Heart, liver, lungs, stomach, colon, bladder, kidney...

"Gil? Hey, man, you okay?"

Gil stood and glanced back at Nick as he hurried to the bathroom. He was about to lose another two pounds. The bathroom was empty and he slammed a stall door closed and threw his breakfast up. It didn't take long until he was just dry heaving and aching all over. His hands throbbed on the sides on the toilet as he tried to keep himself upright. The last thing he wanted was to fall face forward.

His head rested against the side of the stall as he flushed. Why was he doing this to himself? Was it because he thought he deserved it? Maybe he wanted to finish what Robert started.

As Gil halfway crawled to the sink he thought about his pills. They were back at the house, shit. He should take some of them everywhere with him. He rinsed his mouth out then swallowed some of the tap water as it ran over his head and down his neck, back, and chest. It felt good, cold, numbing.

He was losing control faster than better. Body ached quicker, hands shook almost constantly, and he was having anxiety attacks. He was still depressed even with the Zoloft; head throbbed even with the Depakote; and he still was on edge even with the Valium. They were supposed to help him. Make him...in control? Forget? Make him seem Gil Grissom normal again?

He was missing something. His eyes focused and he was staring at the black and white tile floor. A hot, stinging liquid rose in his throat and he swallowed it down hard. Acid reflux or he was about to throw up again. Apple cider vinegar was the best thing to use for acid reflux, no pills needed. All natural, healthy, one tea spoon a day and he'd have no more acid rising in his throat.

He dried his face off and didn't bother with the rest of him that was still wet. Feeling cold and numb was better than feeling hot. As soon as he opened the door he could smell food. Nick was right outside the door causing Gil to jump.

Nick smiled weakly. "I was worried."

Gil glanced over at the booth and Steven was looking like someone ran over his dog. "Sorry I worried you."

Nick didn't look satisfied, but Nick hadn't looked happy in a really long time. "Do you want to stay or..."

Gil noticed that neither one of them had finished their plates. "If you want to finish eating...I'm fine." He was hoping Nick would catch the double meaning.

He was fine. That was what Gil kept telling himself. He was fine, normal, not about to lose it and go crazy. So what that he was raped, drugged to the point that he developed a habit, framed for murder, and almost beaten to death.

Once he put it all into context and reasoned everything out and had sometime to think without family or Nick or panic attacks or fainting or shaking...then he'd be okay.

Gil stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets and walked back to the table. Steven was watching him the whole time and not even trying to hide it. Nick was looking at him like he was a child. He didn't like that. At least Steven still treated him the same.


8888888888


Gil walked through the front door with Nick and Steven trailing behind. The light was flashing on the answering machine so he walked over and pressed the button. The machine was slightly bigger than most machines and it had a display above the buttons. A mechanical voice filled the room as words ran across the display screen.

"Four new messages, message one, Sunday December 16, 2006, 11:37 am," the mechanical voice said before he heard a familiar voice.

"Hey Gil, its Jim. Thank Nicky for me, he gave me the number." He heard Jim's sarcastic voice and then a faint laugh. "Just calling to see how you were, buddy. Call me back, would ya? Or I'll just bug Nick all day. We need to talk."

The machine beeped then the mechanical voice came back on and Gil watched the message scroll across the screen. "Message two, Sunday December 16, 2006, 12:05 pm."

"Gil? You there," Catherine asked. "Look, call me back after you speak to Jim. I need to know that you're all right. If not, you'll get more than one message on here from me."

Gil cringed at the thought of the phone ringing every half hour with Catherine getting more and more pissed. He hit the stop button before the other two messages came on. They were probably from Catherine. He then looked over at Nick. "Did Jim call you?"

Nick frowned for a moment then nodded. "Yeah, you should call him back. He knows more than I do."

Gil stared hard at Nick. He felt his body stiffen just at the frown Nick gave him. Something was wrong. It had to be. Maybe he needed to give another statement, or Robert hung himself in his cell. He was hoping for the hanging as he went into the guest room to retrieve his cell phone.

As Gil picked it up he had a thought that it would be loaded with messages, until he remembered that he had his number changed. He flipped it open and dialed Jim's number as he sat down on the bed.

When an unfamiliar voice came on the line, he was completely confused. "How's this?"

"Scott, who's this," a deep, unfamiliar voice said to him.

"Sorry, wrong number." Gil flipped the phone closed and then opened it up. He stared at the number and frowned. Wasn't that Jim's number? He stood and went into the living room. Nick was in the recliner with a drink. Steven was somewhere else. "What's Jim's number?"

Nick looked at him with a weird look. "555-0978, why?"

Gil shook his head slightly. He had the last four numbers reversed. "Thanks,' he muttered as he dialed the number.

After two rings he heard Jim's voice. "Brass."

Gil sighed a little and scratched his head. "Hey, Jim, it's Gil."

Jim paused a moment and Gil heard the noise in the background go away. "Hey, I've been waiting for you to call."

"At home," Gil asked as he sat down on the floor. Why didn't he sit on the cough? He shrugged off the thought and tried to focus on Jim.

"Yeah, I worked a double. Decided to come home and catch up on daytime television," Jim said with that sarcastic drawl. "You doing okay? Nick said not to worry, but...Catherine keeps calling asking if I heard anything."

"How is everyone?"

"Good, Sanders made CSI 2 this week. He's going to Norway sometime for Christmas to celebrate. If I hear about Poppa Olaf one more time I think I might shoot him." Jim chuckled. "Warrick's the same, trying to stay cool even as he picks up two shifts a day. Sara, well, she might collapse sometime soon from exhaustion. Cath's the same as always, worried and driving me crazy. Ecklie's an ass, but what's new."

Gil was smiling by the time Jim got done. Maybe he should call everyone and tell them that he was okay, Sara definitely. She was bound to dig herself an early grave with working so much. Just like him, but he was lucky somehow. "Tell everyone hi for me, and not to worry." After all, he was the robot, right? Didn't feel a damn thing. Sara told him that, and they all seemed to think it. Nick, not so much anymore.

Jim was talking and Gil had to really try to pay attention. "...Vartan was laughing so hard I thought he might break something."

Gil huffed out a small laugh hoping Jim thought he knew what he had just said. "So, everything's fine."

Jim was quiet for a moment. "No, not everything."

Gil didn't like the sound of that. He closed his eyes and swallowed. "What is it?"

"Um..." Jim sighed then said, "It's Robert, Gil. There was a mix up or something...They let him go."

Gil heard him wrong, that was what it was. He went deaf again and the surgery didn't work. "What," he asked because that was all he could get out through the choking lump in his throat.

Jim didn't say anything for a moment then he breathed out so hard Gil thought he felt it through the phone. "I'm sorry, Gil. Paperwork screw up...We're trying to find him, but we have nothing."

Gil didn't hear the last part as the phone fell the short distance to the floor. Robert was out.

Nick was doing something, putting his head down or maybe he was trying to just snap his neck because that would be better. Robert was out. Robert had beaten gay men to death or shot them. Robert had threatened his team, he had raped him. Robert would do it again. Why wouldn't he? Robert was fucking crazy...

Maybe, maybe this was what he deserved.

"Undo the top buttons of his shirt!"

"I've already done that. He needs to breathe or else he'll pass out! Gil!?"

He felt something sharp against his face. A hand, someone was smacking him.

"Gil come on, stay with me."

"Should I call an ambulance?"

"No, he'll be..."



The world either ended and he was in hell, or he had finally, completely, lost it. He couldn't hear anymore and he was no longer in his mother's house. The room came into focus and he realized he was back in the cabin. It was dark but he could make the room out. Everything was wooden and covered in blood. There were no windows or doors. He went to move but he couldn't and his throat felt like someone was choking him; he couldn't scream for help.

A figure approached him through the darkness and knelt in front of him. There was a knife in the person's hand. As he looked closer he realized the knife was covered in blood. The figure leaned down and was right in his face. It was Nick, and he was laughing.

"Told you I was going to help you," Nick said as he raised the knife then brought it down.



Gil woke choking and gasping for air. Blurry figures were around him and someone was touching him. The first thing he realized was the sun was shining through the windows and he was laying on something soft. The sharp, bright light hurt his eyes so he closed them again.

"He's awake."

"His pulse is strong." The hand went from his throat to his head. "Hot as hell though. You got that cold rag," a Texas drawl asked.

That was Nick; at least Gil hoped it was. So Steven had to be the other person.

"Yeah."

A cold wet rag covered his forehead and Gil slightly shivered. A hand started stroking his chest while another moved to his face. His eyes were pried open for a moment.

"Bloodshot eyes, pale complexion, dry mouth, clammy hot skin," Nick said then breathed out. "But otherwise, he's fine."

"Was that another sode?"

Definitely Steven.

"A what," Nick asked as he unbutton his shirt.

Why was Nick unbuttoning his shirt? Gil stiffened as he felt cooler hands on his chest, and then he almost jumped when he felt a freezing cold cloth on him. His eyes barely opened and he saw that Nick was very close to his face.

Nick had stubble on his face and neck; Gil briefly remembered the mustache Nick had a year ago that caused him to have some very weird thoughts with the name Dirk Diggler attached to Nick. Very weird and bad thoughts.

"That Jim guy is still on the phone."

Nick looked over his shoulder and took the phone. "Brass? Hey...He's going to be fine. I think he passed out...I'm keeping an eye on him. No need to worry...Yeah, call me back later....Okay, good luck." He flipped the phone shut and threw it somewhere.

How in the hell did he end up watching 'Boogie Nights' anyway? He couldn't sleep one day because he had worked a quadruple. His television was on and he couldn't find the remote. Gil was also sure that he was drunk...and Dirk was having sex with every woman in the world. That made his drunk induced mind think of having sex too but he couldn't even get up and find the remote so he could forget about trying to go out and pick someone up. So he stayed in bed and...Fuck he was going to hell. Maybe if Robert did find him he could take Robert with him. They could both be in hell together.

Nick was looking at him with that weird concern look again. "Hey, Steven," he called over his shoulder. "Could you get him a glass of water and maybe some Tylenol?"

"Yeah, be right back," Steven said from somewhere behind him.

Nick was still rubbing the cool cloth over his chest making him feel a little better, but that wasn't what made Gil want to jump up and go into his room and never come out. He was getting hard and he hoped Nick didn't notice, but Nick did give him that weird look. Damn it, he was still getting hard. What was he thinking?

"Um," Nick said and tried not to seem uncomfortable.

Gil had a crazy thought of Nick pummeling him to death, but then he breathed out as he remembered that Nick was bi. Thank God, because Nick wasn't likely to kill him for getting hard because Nick was rubbing his chest and looking a lot sexier than Dirk Diggler, even with or without the mustache.

"Steven's still looking for the Tylenol," Nick said and looked over to the kitchen door.

Gil figured Nick was giving him time to relax and will his hard-on away. Nick was a great guy. He breathed in and out, trying to relax his muscles and not think of porn-star Nick Stokes. He was going to need a really cold shower once he got up and after he threw up because Robert was probably on his way to California. That thought alone made him limp and he sighed in relief.

Nick looked back down at him and Gil didn't see that weird look anymore.

Nick was smiling a little. "Can you sit up?"

Gil thought he could manage that so he moved and ended up leaning back against the pillow on the armrest. That was enough up for him just then. Nick moved and sat down at the other end of the couch, right by his feet.

Steven came back in and handed him the water and the bottle of Tylenol. Gil really wanted his pills but he could wait. So instead, he downed three Tylenol pills and drank the water. His stomach was turning but he needed to try to keep something down. He already threw up once that day.

"Jesus Christ, Gil. Don't scare me like that again. Three times in 24 hours is enough."

Gil looked over at Steven who was still running on adrenalin and trying not to pull the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. "Sorry, but..."

"It's okay," Nick said as he rubbed his leg. "I understand, Gil. If I found out Walter Gordon wasn't actually dead then I would have probably flipped out and moved to Antarctica."

Gil smiled a little at that. Nick knew and understood. For some strange reason that made him feel better. "Thanks, Nicky." He noticed that his voice was rough just before he felt really cold. His shirt was completely undone and the cold towel was now on his lap. The rag that was on his head was now on the floor.

"You have a fever," Nick said and shifted a little. "I didn't think shock could do that, but..."

"Malnutrition could," Steven said as he finally sat down and gave into the urge to have a cigarette. "If I've known you weren't eating, I would have gotten my mom to make her famous pasta and sauce. You could eat that every day all day, remember?"

If Steven asked him one more time if he remembered something, he was going to do something to Steven that he'd never forget. "You're mom's a good cook."

Nick was watching him then he looked at Steven. "What's a sode?"

Steven laughed. "It's short for episode. Austin," he shrugged.

Nick smiled. "Yeah, I know 'tight' and 'holla' from my niece."

Gil didn't know what any of those meant so he leaned back a little and tried not to think about the urge to get sick all over the living room. If only he could will it down like he did his...Shit. He jumped off the couch and made it down the hall and into the bathroom before he got sick.

After Gil was done he turned around and saw Nick in the doorway. Nick didn't say a word as he helped him up and onto his bed.

"Thanks," he mumbled into the pillow.

"Get some rest. I'll be here when you wake then maybe..." Nick trailed off. "We'll talk then, okay?"

Gil didn't know if he answered or not before he was asleep.

***

Time meant nothing when Gil was certain he was dying in his sleep. It was also hard to keep track off too when he would wake up then fall back to sleep in a matter of minutes. Nick was always there with him when he opened his eyes. Nick would give him a drink of water or change the sweaty sheets even though everything was a big blur.

When Gil finally opened his eyes and felt somewhat normal, the room was dark but he could tell it was daytime because sunlight was barely peaking through the closed blinds. He stretched and yawned before he rolled over. Nick wasn't there this time. The chair Nick had been in most of the time when Gil woke was empty.

Gil searched the room and found that no one was there with him. Life still happened, he reminded himself. Nick could be doing anything from sleeping to shopping. He groaned into the pillow before he attempted to move his body that felt anything but awake and moveable. Once he sat completely up on the side of the bed he was very happy that his stomach wasn't still upset.

The bathroom light burned his as he flicked the light on to use the toilet. Gil didn't care that his feet were bare and the tile was freezing cold. When did he get undressed down to his boxers anyway? Nick probably did it. Why not, Nick already seen him completely naked and with a hard-on, just not at the same time.

Gil relieved himself and brushed his teeth because it tasted like one of his hissing cockroaches died in his mouth. Once done he shuffled back into the bedroom and headed for the closet. He pried the loose panel open and pulled out his bag. It was a good thing he knew about that, or else he wouldn't have his medication.

He went back into the bathroom and swallowed one of each. Hopefully they would keep him grounded for awhile. That was what Gil was hoping for as he checked himself out in the mirror and decided that a shower sounded more beautiful than Beethoven's music.

The shower spray was just cold enough to not freeze him to death as he got in and cleaned off. He turned it just a little warmer as he washed his hair then turned it back to almost freezing again. He braced himself on the tile wall with his hands and let the water beat against his neck and run down his back.

A groan escaped his lips as he just marveled in the water.

Nick had been there for him. Nick stayed in his room to make sure he was okay and helped him get better. Nick saved his life in the forest, lived with him in his townhouse and never once complained, and he was honest with him even if Gil didn't want to hear the truth.

And he had treated Nick like shit.

He should apologize to Nick when he saw him. If he saw him. No, Nick wouldn't leave...Would he? Even if Gil treated him badly, Nick would take it in stride and still be there for him. Nick wasn't the same guy he was seven years ago when he first moved to Vegas, the guy who looked up to Gil and couldn't make his own choices, who needed guidance and leadership. Nick was the leader now, and Gil was proud of him because now Nick could take charge and be his own self.

Confident Nicky was a hell of a lot sexier than insecure Nicky. The person Nick was now was beautiful, confident, and the most sexist person Gil knew. Headstrong Nick who knew who he was and what he wanted. The Nick who could get buried in a box and still come out of it alive and ready for life, yeah, a little angry, but Nick had the right to be.

The thought of Nick like that was making Gil hard again. This time he wasn't willing it down. The cold shower wasn't helping him, but he didn't want it too. Nick was beautiful, sexy, confident, headstrong, and bisexual. Gil could think about Nick in weird, bad ways. Like the thought of Nick under him pleading to come...

He wrapped his right hand around his hard, throbbing cock and started stroking it. "Fuck" he said as he tightened his gripped and pumped harder.

Moans slipped from his lips as he kept pumping his cock, every other stroke he would rub his balls and thrust his cock into his own hand. His breath was getting faster and heavier as his stomach tingled and his legs started to quiver.

Fuck, he was close. So, close. He stroked harder, faster then twisted the head of his cock. That was all it took before his breath caught in his throat and warm liquid covered his hand and landed the bottom of the tub and wall in front of him.

He collapsed against the wall and sucked in deep breaths. Nick was going to be the death of him and they weren't even together.

After several minutes of getting his breath back and his legs were strong again, he got out of the shower and toweled off. The room was still dark and empty as he got dressed. When he opened the door he could hear the television on in the living room. Someone was there.

Nick was sitting in the recliner watching football with a tired look on his face. Gil smiled a little when Nick looked up at him with a grin.

"Good morning. I made food, as you can tell I didn't burn down your mother's house, so it's edible."

Gil didn't think it was normal for Nick to be that talkative when he looked moments away from collapsing. "You didn't sleep?"

Nick smiled and shook his head. "Nah, I was taking care of you. I'll sleep later."

Gil frowned at that. He didn't want Nick to worry about him and not get any sleep. He would offer to give Nick a blowjob if it would help him sleep, but he didn't know if Nick felt that way about him. Hell, he didn't realize that he felt that way about Nick until ten minutes ago. "Is there coffee?"

"Yeah, and it's fresh. I just made it," Nick said as he glanced at the T.V. and sighed when a player missed a catch.

As Gil walked to the kitchen he realized Steven wasn't there. "Where's Steven at?"

Nick barely took his eyes off to T.V. to say, "Huh?"

"Steven?"

"Oh, said something about work and an early flight. He'll be back in a few days," Nick said as he watched the game with a kind of dazed look.

Maybe Gil should offer the blowjob. He went into the kitchen and fixed himself a cup of coffee then went back out into the living room. He sat down on the floor again and sipped the coffee while trying to remember football rules. Nick watched him for a moment then went back to watching the game.

When the commercials came on, Nick fast forward through them.

"It's taped," Gil said as he pulled a pillow off of the couch and laid down on it.

"Yeah," Nick yawned. "Saturday night game, Steven recorded it. He likes Atlanta."

They sat there in comfortable silence for most of the game, with the occasional yell from Nick at the referee or when a player fumbled the ball. Gil even found himself sighing or wanting to throw the pillow at the screen when something happened against the Cowboys.

They both jumped when the phone rang. Nick sighed and turned the volume down as he answered the phone. "Stokes...uh, I mean Nick speaking."

Gil chuckled a little at Nick as he continued to watch the game. He couldn't believe he was getting into football this much. That was when he knew he was really bored. The Cowboys' receiver tipped the ball and tried to make a ridiculous yet amazing catch for a touchdown but it slipped through his fingers and Gil sighed heavy to himself. The Falcons blocker was pounding his chest and yelling something down at the receiver and Gil wasn't fond of that guy's cockiness throughout the whole game. That one Cowboy guy really should slam his ass to the ground.

"Gil," Nick said in almost a whisper. "Cath's on the phone."

Gil really sighed then and scooted back and grabbed the phone then lay back down on the pillow. "Yeah."

"Why in the hell haven't you called me?"

"Good Evening to you too Catherine, how's Lindsey," Gil couldn't keep the sarcastic tone out of his voice even if he tried.

"Better than you'll be when you get back here," Catherine was teasing him, but it was still kind of scary.

"Sorry, but after what Jim told me I kind of...haven't been in the mood to talk," Gil was really try to focus on the game and not Catherine's voice in his ear.

"Yeah, I can understand that. So, how are you?"

"Better than before...Nick cooked without burning down my mother's house so," Gil shrugged and he felt a small pillow hit his leg. He couldn't help the grin either.

Catherine laughed. "That's always good. Have you talked to Nick yet?"

Gil's grin slightly faded. "Why would I?"

"You were supposed to come back here for statements but Nick said some words to Ecklie so now Nick and a detective have to record it and send it here. Robert said some things that put doubt in your story--"

"It's not a story Catherine, it's the truth," Gil said as he tensed and the carefree attitude he had before Catherine was completely gone. "Whatever Robert said is a fucking lie." His pulse was starting to climb and he had to close his eyes and count to ten to try not to give Catherine his own version of the Riot Act.

"Gil, I know that your account of what happened it the truth, but we have to fill in the blanks and confirm with you what happened. You know this, don't shoot the messenger. Jim got in contact with the LA department. They're sending an officer over to guard the house and a when you're ready, they send a detective to record your statement."

Gil rubbed his face and pitched the bridge of his nose. First Robert was let out of jail and now he had to make more statements. He just wanted this to be over, he thought it was over. "Fine, just...fuck Cath, give me some time."

"You got two days," Catherine said with a hint of a smile. She already went to bat for him with the time thing.

"Thank you."

"Your welcome, just don't make me regret going head-to-head with Ecklie and I'll be fine."

Gil smirked at that. "I won't. Now, get back to work," he said in his harshest supervisor voice then flipped Nick's cell phone shut. "Think she'll get me back for that?"

"I would," Nick said as he smiled and took the phone from Gil. "I didn't want to bring up the statement thing until tomorrow. Sorry."

"It's okay, not your fault that Catherine is worse than Ecklie in some areas. At least she knows how to play ball."

"She has the best swing...and pitch."

Gil laughed then went back to concentrating on nothing but men throwing and catching a ball. He didn't want to think about statements or Catherine and Jim or the team, and he definitely didn't want to think of Robert getting a tan on Venice Beach.

Gil smiled when five minutes later he was ready to nail the referee on the television screen with the small pillow Nick threw at him. He wasn't thinking, and for once, that was a good thing.



Nick glanced over at Gil as he opened the refrigerator door. "So, what are you going to do with the stuff in the house?"

Gil looked at Nick bending down and inspecting fridge before he went back to cleaning glasses. "I don't know. My mom said whoever wants what can have it. Nothing specific, except the house was mine...I think I might give a lot of my old stuff to my cousins."

"Yeah, that sounds cool." Nick frowned as he opened the bottom crisper drawer. "There's no more beer."

Gil smirked. "I think Will might like my bean bag chairs."

Nick laughed. "I can't imagine you ever having bean bag chairs." He smiled over at Gil before he grabbed the stuff on the counter.

Gil shrugged. "They were popular in the late 60's and 70's, part of the 'mod' furniture." He looked over at Nick. "Youth movement in England," he said with a shrug.

Nick smiled. "Right, for a second I thought you meant Ministry of Defense." He laughed as he moved stuff around in the refrigerator. "Why do you sit on the floor then?"

Gil shut off the water to the faucet. "I thought about that the first time I did it. When I lived here, I never sat on the furniture unless we had company...then I was forced to." He dried and put the glasses up.

Nick smiled as he shut the fridge door then leaned against the counter. "I do things like that in Texas, at my parents. Breakfast and dinner, we eat together at the table. Lunch, fend for yourselves. No one sits in the recliner 'cause it is dads. And never come home crying unless you have something broken."

Gil chuckled. "Yeah, what were rules then are traditions now."

Nick laughed. "Just like Christmas dinner and church on Sunday."

"You can keep the last one for yourself," Gil said as he looked around making sure he didn't forget anything.

Nick smiled. "Come on, you don't think about going to church on Sunday? Taking your children and grandchildren."

Gil saw the joking humor in the question. He leaned against the counter in front of Nick. "My Uncle Tim asked if I was going to have kids, I told them no," he shrugged out. "Just not for me."

Nick nodded. "Me neither. I mean, I'm an Uncle and that's all I can take. Having a child around twenty-four seven...I don't know. If I had to I would, but if I didn't," he shrugged. "Plus, I don't think I will."

Gil frowned a little. "Why not?"

"I favor men," Nick said looking at Gil trying not to blush.

Gil stared back at Nick. "Oh," he said and cleared his throat. He knew Nick was bi, but hearing him say that out loud was almost a blessing, and Nick wasn't blushing too bad or looking away...beautiful, confident Nick. "Well, it's a good thing you're here because Alexandra says that San Francisco is the gay capital of the world."

Nick started laughing. "Where she get that from?"

Gil shrugged. "She likes to read, I keep telling her to stop but..." He shrugged.

Nick kept laughing. "You're young cousins are so much like you...And they're not even yours."

Gil grinned. "That's what everyone thinks."

Nick really laughed then and playful punched his shoulder. Gil enjoyed joking around with Nick, it was fun. The most fun he'd had it a long time.

Gil looked Nick over and shook his head. He could never have Nick. Nick was too young for him, athletic, good, down home kind of guy. Gil wasn't anything like that. "You know if you ever do what to...date while you're here. Don't let me stop you. I mean, you're young and I'm...not. So, I don't do much...clubbing?" Was that even the right word?

Nick was quiet for several minutes making Gil wonder if he said something wrong. He probably did the way Nick was looking at him.

Nick finally gave him a tight smile. "Right, 'cause now I have no job and here takin' care of you." He turned left the kitchen.

Gil didn't know what to do. A part of him was happy Nick was going to be having fun and not there babysitting a grown man, but another part of him was aching. He stared at the floor and hoped that his hands weren't really shaking.

The kitchen door opened back up and Nick was dressed in jeans, a white button up, and held up his keys. "Come on, Monday Night Football is on and I'll buy you a beer."

Gil was sure he was looking lost and dumbfounded, because he was. "But..."

Nick shook his head. "No but, me and you are getting out of this house and having fun." He grabbed Gil's arm. "We can even ride a roller coaster after the game."

"I was going to say, we've already been drinking so you shouldn't drive."

Nick stared at him then tossed the keys on the island in the middle of the room. "Fine, we'll take a cab."

Gil didn't know what relief really felt like until just then. He grinned and nodded. "I drink Bud Light."

Nick smiled wider. "So do I."


8888888888


Gil took a seat at the corner of the bar and waited for the bartender. He glanced around at the young men and women dancing and having a good time, some looked like they were on dates, some where just there to dance, while others looked ready to go home. He caught a guy looking at him. The guy smiled then turned back to talking with another guy. The huge television in the corner had the game on and when a guy with the Colts dropped the ball the whole bar moaned and yelled at the Bengal's player who prematurely hit the Colt's player. He really did need to remember player's names.

Gil was also surprised that Nick knew a sports bar that was tolerant of different lifestyles.

"It's L.A.; if you aren't tolerant then you'll have no customers." Nick sat down on the other side of the corner. "You don't come to places like this often, huh?"

Gil shook his head. "I'm more of a straight man smoky, sports bar myself."

Nick grinned. "Yeah, well, here we won't be getting into fights if we get too drunk. Let me buy your first beer, okay?"

"I guess." Gil shifted in his seat and faced the bar. Why would they get into a fight if they got too drunk? It wasn't like he or Nick were the kind of guys to get into drunken bar fights...were they? A beer was placed in front of him and he lifted up the bottle. "Thanks."

"Do you want to 'Press Your Luck'," the bartender asked as he sat Nick's drink down.

Gil took a sip of the beer then looked over at Nick. Nick just shrugged. "Uh, yeah sure," he shrugged. "Is it anything like the game show?"

The twenty-something kid behind the bar just looked at him before he handed over a deck of cards. "Jack or Queen you get a free drink. King, your night is on us. Ace, the night is on us and you win the pot. It'd be two dollars for two tries. If you two are together it'd be four bucks each, four tries."

"See Gil, no whammies," Nick said with a chuckle.

Gil stared down at the deck of cards. "Yes there are, every card that isn't a face card." He winked over at Nick then downed his first beer in a few swallows and then he asked for another. "Okay, I've got four bucks, and another two for another beer."

Nick grabbed his arm. "Hey, I can pay too."

"Nick, you've done a lot for me in the past...two months? Three? Let me get this." When Gil seen that Nick wasn't going to budge, he sighed. "You can buy me dinner."

Nick finally let go and smiled. "I'll take that. And it'll be an expensive dinner too."

Gil grinned and thanked the bartender for the beer before he waited for the cards to be shuffled.

"No whammies, no whammies," Nick was chanting in Gil's ear. "Stop!"

Gil glanced over at Nick with a grin then picked a card and turned it over. It as a five of hearts. "One more, right?"

The bartender nodded.

"Stop chanting in my ear, it's distracting," Gil said over to Nick while he waited again then flipped a card over. It was a Jack of Diamonds. "Free drink. Can I have my two dollars back or does it count for the next one."

"Whichever," the bartender said as he handed over Gil's two dollars. "Your turn," he said to Nick.

"All right, watch the Texas Luck do its magic," Nick said with a devilish look on his face.

Gil laughed and shook his head. "Do you know what your chances are of getting a Queen or Ace?"

Nick glanced over at him. "Yeah, fifty-two cards in a deck. Four Aces and four Queens, that's eight cards out of fifty-two...forty-four cards that aren't Aces or Queens..."

"Will you stop stalling and drawl, people are waiting there turn," Gil said with a grin.

"I have a 15% chance of getting an Ace or Queen. So, slim to none, but I do have luck," Nick took his time and looked over the spread cards then picked one out carefully and turned it over. It was the King of Hearts. "Whoa! Look at that! The night is on the bar! See, told you," Nick smiled over at Gil. "Texas luck. We know how to play cards."

Gil laughed and shook his head. "Good, because I'm going to need the rest of my money to get us a cab home."

Nick laughed and looked around. "Tell you what," he said to the bartender. "Buy everyone in here four rounds, whatever they want, including us, and we'll call it even."

The bartender smiled and nodded. "We can do that. It's your night."

Nick smiled and looked over at Gil. Gil was grinning at him with a look in his eyes. "What?"

Gil shrugged. "You're a great guy, Nicky."

"Yeah, well, I try," Nick laughed and finished his first beer. "Hey, another," he waved the bartender down then looked around the club.



"That's for the younger people," Gil told Nick when he asked him to follow him to the dance floor.

"No, I think it's because you like to watch the younger people," Nick said with a laugh.

"Well, that too." Gil had to yell to be heard over the music. "Hey, I like watching you, so, go dance and I'll sit."

Nick's smiled wider. "Nope, come on. Just one dance."

Gil really did like strong headed Nick. "Okay, but to a slower song. This is too fast."

"You're just afraid you'll fall."

Gil stared at Nick. "Exactly. The last thing either of us need is for you to take me to a hospital because I broke my hip." Man, was he drunk. They had nine rounds already because someone else got an Ace and shared his wealth too. "I'm glad there are nice men like you around." He held up his beer and pointed it at Nick. "Or else I'd still be sober right now."

Nick smiled. "I hear that. Hey, how many beers have we had anyway? I've lost count after seven."

"In that case, one." Gil smirked.

"There's no way in hell it's been one, Gil," Nick said as he took a gulp of his.

"Okay, okay. This would be, ten...I think."

"And how many shots?"

Gil's lips pursed in thought. "Um, I don't know...four, no, five...maybe," he shrugged out the words.

Nick smiled. "That sounds about right. And you act it too."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Nick leaned across the corner of the bar. "It means you're drunk. You're slurring your words, eyes half closed and probably seeing double. You're not in very good shape honey. I'm going to have to call you a cab before too long. That is if you don't find someone to take you home."

Gil stared at Nick. Did he just call him honey? "I don't need anyone, but you. And I plan on taking you home. Or else Catherine and Warrick and all the others will seriously kick my ass."

"Everybody needs somebody sometime," Nick started to sing.

Gil coughed out a laugh into his beer bottle. "Nicky, I like you, but you can't sing."

"Well, yeah. Besides, I was just saying that because someone's been watching you for a while."

Gil arched an eyebrow. "Someone's been watching me? Who?"

Nick nodded and got up closer to Gil. So close he was about to fall off his stool. "Me."

Gil stared into Nick's brown eyes and his breath caught in his throat and he had to remember to breathe because Nick was serious. Oh...God, Nick was serious.

Nick smiled. "I'm not trying to scare you off, Gil. I know how you pushed Sara away, but if you ever...want to, with me. I'm here. And...I won't regret all of it, I mean, any of it."

Gil stared at Nick until his lungs burned and he sucked in a breath of air. "O-okay." He quickly looked around the nightclub. "I have to go pee." If there was a sentence that could strike a mood dead, that was it.

Nick looked around and finally pointed. "Over there."

Gil followed Nick's arm and saw the doors off the dance floor. "Great, I'll be right back," he managed to say as he stumbled off of his bar stool, catching himself on Nick's stool. "Be back."

The way to the bathroom got extremely tight and Gil didn't think he would ever get through the mass of human bodies filled with way too much hormones and into the restroom. After several minutes he finally stumbled through the door as leaned against it to breathe.

The restroom had a few occupants, but Gil didn't care much as he took five clumsy steps to the urinal and zipped his pants down. He didn't pay attention to the guy one urinal down checking him out. Nick was on his mind. And the offer...God, Nick made an offer. He couldn't take advantage of Nick; at least he was sober enough to know that. Nick was drunk, just like him, so it didn't count. Alcohol made people say all kinds of stupid things. Things they didn't really mean, however, it also made people say things that they really wanted to say but couldn't.

What to do? He wanted Nick more than anything. Not since Robert was he interested in a man as much as he was interested in Nick.

He zipped his pants back up and flushed. As he stepped away to the sinks he jumped back as he saw Nick in front of him. Did Nick just watch him go pee? "Nick...?"

Nick looked slightly guilty but it could have just been drunkenness. "Hey...I needed to go too."

Gil glanced around and saw that they were alone. "Oh, well...you have many to choose from, don't let me keep you from..." Nick kissed him. It was soft and gentle, only lasting a second. When he drew back, Gil was a little more awake, and in more than one place. He stared at Nick for a moment. "Why...?"

Nick smiled at him with a look that made Gil want to stop thinking about advantage and waking up with regrets. "Cause I like you and...really, really wanted to."

Gil nodded. "Good," he said as he stepped back. "Not here, okay?"

Nick shyly smiled. "Yeah, let me...go then we'll go."

Gil stepped around him. "I'll be...at the bar, sitting and, yeah." He quickly washed his hands then left the restroom.

Once Gil got outside of the restroom he wanted to hit something. He was being paranoid or stupid, wasn't he? As he made his way back to the bar, he thought he needed to stop doubting himself. His doubts led to him leaving Vegas and now, turning Nick down in the restroom. When they got back home, he was going to have to turn Nick down again.

Gil sat down at the bar and looked around. The place was full of young men, some straight but some gay, from Greg's age to Nicks'. Those men were athletic and not underweight because they couldn't eat or sleep, or slept too much. They were innocent and not filled with nightmares and emotional scares. He sighed and downed the beer that was sat down in front of him. The music was blaring and people were starting to calm down and move slower.

"It's a slow song, come on," Nick said as he appeared at Gil's side.

Gil frowned and sat the empty bottle down. "I need to call a cab."

Nick grabbed his arm. "You can when the song's over."

Gil didn't want too, but Nick was looking at him with that puppy dog look. "Okay."

Nick smiled and pulled him onto the dance floor that was basically the whole building. Gil was kind of claustrophobic, but he figured so was Nick. If Nick could handle it, so could he.

Gil was surprised at how nervous he was once Nick stopped pulling him through the crowd and turned around. Nick had a slightly lopsided, drunken grin plastered on his face as he moved his hands around Gil's waist.

"Relax," Nick said as he pulled him closer.

Gil couldn't help but freeze at the movement. Nick was holding him against his body and...it felt good. He nodded slightly and tried to relax into Nick's warm body. Before he knew it, he had his own arms wrapped around Nick's neck and resting his head against his shoulder. His eyes were barely open and he stared at Nick's neck. They were roughly the same height, but Nick always stood taller than him.

The feel of Nick was unbelievable. His strong body tone and lean muscles moved perfect to the music. Gil couldn't help but breathe Nick's scent in. It was different. Nick smelled like something between musky cowboy and old spice sailor. He chuckled against Nick's shoulder at that. Nick was a musky, drunken, sailing cowboy. Man, was he drunk.

"What you laughing at," Nick said in his strong Texas drawl.

"I'm drunk."

Nick chuckled and Gil felt it vibrate throughout his body. "So am I."

"Yeah, but you're not thinking about a drunken sailing cowboy singing 'If I Had a Boat'."

"No, but I'm thinking of a drunk entomologist with nothing on."

Gil stopped moving and glanced up at Nick. "You have to be drunker than me."

Nick slightly frowned. "No, just more realistic, 'cause I'll never sing Lyle Lovett."

Gil grinned. "Then I will, and you can just fish."

Nick laughed. "Anything with you."

Gil wanted to believe that, but he had a hard time accepting that. Nick wouldn't lie to him, but he might say things he didn't mean while under the influence.

Nick leaned down and kissed him on the temple. "The song's over, ready to go?"

Gil nodded and straightened himself up. As he let his arms slide off of Nick's shoulders he was surprised to find he didn't want to move or let Nick go, but he had to. He needed to call a cab and get home, go to bed and not think about Nick in cowboy boots and hat, with nothing else.


8888888888


Nick looked up when he didn't get an answer. "Gil?" He looked behind him to see him trying to unlock the door to the house. "What do you think you're doing," Nick asked him as he walked up beside Gil.

"My key won't work," Gil said staring at his keys.

"That's because you're trying to use your car key on the house." Nick took the keys and searched through them. "I'm glad we didn't drive, because neither of us is in any condition, except to get inside the house and maybe pass out."

"I'm not driving," Gil said as he leaned against the side of the house. "We can get a cab back."

Nick looked over at Gil and frowned. "We did take a cab back."

Gil nodded. "Good, because I'm the boss and I said so. Now, unlock the door."

Nick let out a deep sigh and unlocked the door. Gil's drunken state didn't hit him full force until they were in the cab. He knew he should have stopped Gil from drinking the last two shots and the rest of his own beer. Once he swung the door open he turned back to help Gil and found the spot empty. "Gil?" He looked down and saw Gil on the lying on the porch swing and completely passed out. "Damn it," he cursed under his breath.

Nick leaned down and checked Gil for any injuries he might have suffered from falling into the swing. When he found none he started to lift the older man and got Gil in a sitting position, the swing swung slightly hitting him in the knee. "Gil can you hear me?"

After several attempts to wake Gil, Nick gave up because the older man was completely out of it. Nick realized there was nothing he could do except either let Gil sleep out on the porch or carry him inside. It was almost hell trying to lift Gil, so Nick just laid him back down. One would think with the weight Gil lost, he'd be easier to lift. Definitely harder than Nick expected. Gil was just nothing but dead weight to him. He shook his head at the comparison of Gil to a dead body and went into the house.

Five minutes later he came out with a pillow and thick quilted blank. Nick made sure Gil was comfortable before he went back inside the house.


8888888888


Nick stared down at the sleeping man on the swing. The sun was barely coming up and he had a cup of coffee in his right hand. He came out to wake Gil up, but actually Nick didn't want to wake him up; Gil looked so peaceful.

Nick let out a sigh and started to shake the older man. "Gil wake up." He tried that method for several minutes until Gil mumbled and turned in the swing causing it to rock a little.

"Hey, can you hear me," Nick asked.

Gil squinted up at the Nick then blinked away the cloudiness in his eyes and rubbed his face. He sat up and looked around, yawning. Catching sight of a blurry Nick in front of him he frowned. "Nick..."

"I let you sleep on the porch," Nick blurted out.

"Oh." Gil nodded slowly. He rubbed his eyes again and looked around. "I was wondering when the guest room turned into my front lawn," he said as threw off the blanket and went to stand, but once soled shoes met wooden porch he swayed and nearly fell into Nick.

"Whoa there boss man." Nick caught Gil with his free left arm. "Here," Nick said as he wrapped Gil's arm around his waist. "Keep yourself steady."

Gil's head pounded too much for him to care where his arm was just then. "Think...hangover."

"Yeah, you're not the only one. I made coffee and we have plenty of aspirin. Dry toast is good for it too, nausea and such."

"Not nauseous. Just, dizzy and head hurts," Gil said as he shuffled his way through the living room and into the kitchen.

The smell of coffee was a delight. Even though he should have juice or something he pulled down a cup and filled it with coffee. "If my mother was still alive, I'd be ground."

Nick chuckled. "Don't worry, I won't or else I'd have to be too. We got pretty wasted last night."

"Who won the game?"

"Indianapolis," Nick said as he watched Gil and took a sip of his own coffee.

"Good, I like them." Gil sat down on one of the stools around the island and took a cautious sip of the coffee. "When I was drunk, I thought I needed a night of alcohol and partying. Now, not so much."

"Yeah, nobody likes the morning after." Nick took a seat across from Gil. "I, uh, kind of want to apologize."

Gil stilled as he went to take another sip and glanced up at Nick. He knew last night was just drunk talk. Nick didn't want to be with him. And for a moment last night he actually thought Nick was telling the truth. "It's okay. We both...said things. I don't blame you for anything."

Nick stared at him and then smiled a little. It was a weak smile, but it was there. "Okay, just thought that..."

Gil waved him off and took a bigger gulp. "Where's the aspirin?"

Nick got up and grabbed them out of the cabinet and tossed them to Gil. "Want toast?"

Gil nodded and popped the lid to the bottle open. He wanted his pills but Nick...It always came down to Nick being there. Nick needed to leave, especially now. Maybe he could make Nick leave, just for an hour or two. "Don't you have questions to ask me?"

Nick turned around and frowned in confusion. "Questions...?"

"Yeah, for Jim," Gil said before he swallowed one pill with his coffee. He'd be fine with just one for now. Once Nick was gone, he'd have three of his other pills.

"Oh," Nick said then took the toast out of the toaster and sat it in front of Gil. "Yeah, um, but we can talk later. I have to get a hold of the L.A. department."

"I'm up to it now." Gil tore a piece off the dry toasted bread and ate it. "So, call whenever."

Nick watched him for a moment as he sipped his own coffee then nodded. "All right, I can call now. It's not that many questions. Jim just wants to make sure you've told everything, that's all. Some of your responses before were vague. And now, with the escape thing, everyone wants to make sure everything with you is solid."

Gil nodded at that. "That sounds...like Jim." He smirked.

Nick smiled. "Yeah, he's worried that they might think you had something to do with it. Helped Robert."

Gil stared up at Nick. "They think that?"

Nick frowned. "Robert said that you helped with the killings that why the evidence pointed to you."

That information made Gil sick to his stomach. "I thought he confessed to it all."

"He did, before he had a lawyer who turned the tables on us," Nick sat down at the island. "Now the Prosecutor wants to make sure that everything with you can be explained."

Gil shook his head. "I can't do that. I have memory loss..."

"He wants a department shrink to be here with the officer--"

Gil sighed and stood up. "When did a shrink come into this," he yelled.

Nick looked confused. "Catherine didn't tell you."

"No, she didn't," Gil was getting angry now. His hands were starting to shake again and he sat back down and stared at the counter.

Nick didn't know what to say, but he watched Gil before saying, "Sorry, I thought..."

"It's okay. They're blindsiding me because if I'd known...I probably won't have agreed to it." Gil rubbed his face and leaned against the island.

"The shrink doesn't need to be here, it was just a precaution," Nick said as he reached over and rubbed Gil's shoulder. "Have any memories resurfaced?"

"I've remembered some things, not a lot just...with me and Robert."

"What," Nick said with a gentle soft voice. He didn't want to scare Gil off.

"The, uh...rape." Gil's voice was just as soft and he downed his coffee then got up to refill the cup. "Not much is resurfacing, Nick, but I do know that I didn't do anything to help Robert. He took them up to the cabin, a ten hour drive. I was at work or home or...at a scene during the estimated time of deaths."

"Not for some of them," Nick said without a hint of accusing. "We can't place you anywhere with two of them, Gil."

Gil looked at him. "Those, I was at home and no one can vouch for me. It's my word against his."

Nick nodded. "The word of a renowned CSI against a crazy serial killer ex-Psychiatrist should be no contest, but..."

Gil sighed as he sat back down. There was always one juror or jury who...didn't care. "I don't know what to do or say."

Nick grabbed and squeezed his hand. "Just tell what you can, the truth. Hopefully when they find Robert, and they will, he'd give everything up."

Gil stared at his and Nick's hands together. "And if he doesn't?"

Nick frowned. "He will, trust me. We'll get him."

Gil looked up at Nick. He wanted to believe that, but he couldn't. Everything was building up to this. Robert was going to succeed after all.


8888888888


"So, what do you need," Gil asked from the recliner then took a sip of the lukewarm coffee in his hand, cigarette in the other. He was feeling a lot better after the shower and his pills were in his system.

Nick had come in Gil's bedroom again looking around. He saw the open Valium bottle that was still on the counter and dumped it in the toilet then flushed. Gil just stood off to the side and watched. Nick didn't look too satisfied, but he left him alone after that anyway.

Gil didn't think the Valium was working anyway. He was still jittery and anxious, feeling attacks creeping up on him just about every hour.

"Some of what Robert said in his confession and interrogation put...holes in your account," Detective Andrews said.

Nick got up from the couch then went up the stairs.

Gil watched Nick disappear up the steps and suddenly felt nervous. Nick was supposed to help him, why did he leave? Detective Andrews from the L.A. department was sitting in the chair across the room watching him. Gil shifted under the gaze and looked at the floor.

Gil was still staring at the floor when Nick came back with a notebook and tape recorder. He immediately exhaled then raised a brow at Nick.

"I set up camp in your old room. You don't mind, do you," Nick asked as he sat back down and looked the paper over.

"I was hoping you weren't living out of your truck."

Nick smiled up at him then read a page of the notebook over again. "Kay," he said as he looked confused on where to start. "You sure you're up to this right now?"

Gil swallowed the coffee in his mouth and nodded.

Nick looked like he wasn't sure but smiled anyway. "Just checking."

Detective Andrews took the notebook and recorder from Nick then turned the recorder on as he sat back down. "It is Tuesday December 19, 2006. This is Detective Mitch Andrews questioning CSI Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom." He paused a moment to take a drink of his own coffee.

"Let it be noted that Dr. Grissom is answering informally and without counsel. CSI Nick Stokes is present as mediator in case Dr. Grissom needs help with some statements. CSI Stokes was an investigator in the case against Robert Davis and can help in any evidence that was collected." He paused and took another sip of the coffee and looked over at Gil. "Dr. Grissom. There are previous statements that weren't clear due to memory lapse, the questions I'm going to ask you will only concern those areas, understand?"

"Yes," Gil said from the recliner and moved forward in the seat and leaned his elbows on his knees. The cup of coffee was still in his hands.

Detective Andrew nodded then continued. "After the fifth murder of John Latham, the murders stopped. Can you explain why they stopped around the time when you were suspended?"

Gil stared at the detective and shook his head. "No."

"Then how can you explain Mr. Davis knowing that you were on leave and couldn't leave due to conditions of you doctor?"

Gil looked over at Nick then back at the detective. "I...don't know."

"We found that Dr. Grissom was being watched, in and out of his home. Surveillance cameras and bugs were found throughout his house and photos of him were found in the patrol car that Robert used," Nick told the detective then looked over at Gil with a weak smile.

"I was being watched?" Gil was staring at Nick.

Nick slowly nodded. "Jim told me when we talked."

"And how come you didn't know, Mr. Stokes," Detective Andrew asked.

Nick looked at the detective and sighed. "I was stalked four years ago. Catherine Willows and Captain Jim Brass didn't share that piece of evidence with me due to conflict of interest and my personal well being."

"And what happened to Dr. Grissom's conflict of interest when he worked the scene of John Latham, a man that he knew."

Gil sat back in the recliner. Detective Andrew did his homework. "The lab was tapped out and I was called even though I was on leave. The Assistant Director, Conrad Ecklie, cleared it. I hadn't spoken or seen John in years. Ecklie didn't see it as conflict of interest."

Detective Andrew nodded and looked back down at the notebook. "Can you explain why a witness, James Wales, identified your work truck as the vehicle used to abduct the victims?"

Gil shook his head. "I had no idea it was used outside of work." He looked over at Nick.

Nick glanced at Gil then addressed the detective. "CSI Sara Sidle found microscopic blood and several hair strands that were consistent to the victims, but nothing was conclusive. Also, we found more than one set of fingerprints. Some matched the victims, one set matched Gil's and the other matched the suspect Robert Davis. Also, there were times when the truck was logged out at times when in was impossible that Dr. Grissom could have taken it."

"He was trying to frame me," Gil finally said. "That part was confessed, right?" He looked over at Nick.

Nick shook his head. "No, he didn't. He confessed to the murders, but he said that you helped with two of them. John Latham's murder and Anthony Ramirez."

Gil looked over at the detective, confused. "When was Ramirez killed?"

"October, we don't know the exact date."

Gil tried to think back to October, but he was hitting serious memory blocks. He couldn't remember much. "That was around the time my mother died, right?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah."

"Then that's when I started forgetting things." Gil took a puff off his cigarette and looked at the detective. "I don't remember much of October except not being able to sleep."

"So, you can't explain where you were during the time of Mr. Ramirez's murder?"

"Unless I know the exact date, no. My only guess would be home," Gil shrugged and put out his cigarette. His hand were slightly shaking so he put his cup down and leaned back, hands in his lap.

"And John Latham's murder?"

Gil closed his eyes and thought about the time before he arrived at the scene. Coffee, he made coffee. Tow truck driver, Steve...his car being smashed into the railing. Robert. "I woke up in my car, bleeding because the car was in an accident. I don't remember ever getting in my car yet alone drive. Robert showed up, but at the time I was being drugged and I couldn't see and think clearly so I didn't know it was him. I was on I-15 heading to here..." he opened his eyes back up. "Robert called a tow truck in and the guy took me home. I was cleaning up my townhouse when Brass called me."

"Do you remember the name of the tow driver?"

Gil shook his head. "Just Steve. I don't even remember what the company name was." He swallowed hard before continuing. "My car was fixed but I never paid for it and Robert had abducted me from Nick's apartment complex and he was driving my car."

Detective Andrew nodded and wrote stuff down even though he was recording. "You don't remember anything before then?"

"I remember seeing my doctor. He was the one who told me I was being drugged but at the time...I couldn't even remember that. I do now."

"But you still don't remember the in between parts?"

Gil shook his head. "If I did, I would have told you."

"Is that all," Nick asked as he stood up.

Gil watched Nick stand up and cross his arms. He figured Nick thought they were done.

Detective Andrew looked at the two of them then down at the notebook. "Yeah, I guess that's all the questions." He stood and shook Nick's hand then Gil's. "I'll get this to Detective Brass before tomorrow, even if I have to have someone drive it to Vegas."

Nick walked the detective to the door and as soon as it was shut he was hurrying over to Gil. "You okay," he asked as he knelt down in front of Gil.

Gil sat back away from Nick and looked down at him. Nick was in-between his parted legs staring up at him. He had to swallow hard before he could speak. "Yeah..."

"You started shaking halfway through and gotten pale when...about the cameras," Nick said before he started to rub Gil's leg.

Gil stiffened and tried not to move. "I, uh...was surprised."

Nick smiled a little and nodded. "Tell me about it. It's okay. The cameras were only in the living room and kitchen. Nothing was in the bathroom and your room except for the bugs...small microphones."

"I know what bugs you're talking about Nick." Gil wanted to get up but Nick was still rubbing his leg and it was soothing his nerves, but also causing blood to rush to his cock. "Nick--"

Nick leaned up before Gil could finish and kissed him hard on the mouth. "It's okay," he said again when the kiss broke.

Gil stared down at Nick before he leaned down and kissed him back. The overwhelming thought to break the kiss and leave was pushed aside as Nick wrapped his arms around him. Hands were stroking and caressing everywhere. Gil shivered into the touches on his neck, back, shoulders, arms, and chest. Nick felt so much alive against him making him feel just alive. More alive than he'd felt in a long time.

At one point Nick had gotten up only to straddle his hips. The friction of Nick's hips against his own caused Gil to moan into Nick's mouth. Their tongues battled in both of their hot mouths, neither one wanting to submit to the other. Nick grounded his covered cock against Gil's, both men bucked against each other groaning.

Nick finally released Gil's mouth then starting kissing over his jaw, up to his ear, then down his neck. He stopped every so often to suck, nip, and lick the skin he was torturing. Gil leaned his head back against the chair, giving Nick all the access he wanted. Gil was tired of thinking, tired of aching and hurting, and tired of refusing Nick. He wanted nick, needed Nick...

"Love you," Nick muttered before he undid the bottom buttons of Gil's shirt to slip his hand under, feeling the soft skin beneath his trembling fingers. Then they tensed. He looked up and wanted to take those words back because Gil was staring at him, unblinking with a cloudy glaze over his eyes. "Shit...Gil?"

"No one will ever love you, Gil, except for me.", Robert's words went through Gil's head as he stared at Nick. He tried to tell himself that Nick wasn't lie, that Nick wasn't Robert, that Nick did want him. But, but... "I," he went to speak but nothing came out. He went to stand up but Nick pushed him back down.

"What is it? You can tell me, Gil. I care about you," Nick said as he pleaded to Gil. "Let me in, just once so I can understand and help you."

Gil slightly shook his head. "You can't...I can't do this, not now."

Nick stared down at him in compassion and guilt. "I didn't want this to happen. I wanted you, still do. But I do, Gil, if I'd known..." he trailed off as a thought hit him. "It's Robert, isn't it? And the rape," Nick asked as he slowly got off of Gil who still looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Gil wasn't moving or saying anything, and Nick didn't even think Gil had blinked since he muttered those words. "I wasn't thinking..."

"Me neither," Gil said as he pushed himself out of the recliner and headed toward the guest room.

Nick grabbed his arm and stepped in front of him. "Look, I do feel that, Gil. I know that I love you and I have for a while now. If you don't, that's fine. We can work this out and see what happens."

Gil was buttoning his shirt back. He shook his head as he tried to sidestep Nick. "It's not worth it...I'm not worth it. You deserve better."

Nick went to speak then stopped himself.

Gil took that as a sign that he was right and finally got past Nick. He was halfway down the hall when he heard Nick behind him.

"Gil, I deserve the best, the person I love. That's you. You can't let Robert control your life..."

The door shut behind Gil and he leaned against it and turned the lock. Nick was on the other side of the door.

"I know you want this too, Gil. You can lie to yourself, but not to me. I know you and I still want to be with you. Please, just think about it."

Nick wasn't yelling but it was loud enough for Gil to hear it. Gil stepped away from the door and sat down on the bed. He stared into the closet and debated what to do. Nick was right; h wanted to be with Nick.

Gil lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. His life was being controlled by Robert; it had been for twenty years. He never dated another man because of Robert even though he wanted too. The work was the only love of his life for years because since Robert he was afraid to open his heart again. Never once had he opened his life to anyone or his home, afraid someone might control it.

But he let Nick in, if only for a moment. Nick lived with him and laughed at his jokes and tolerated his quotes and quirkiness. Nick had kissed him and it was amazing. His life was being run again, but not by an obsessive, abusive man, but a tolerant, loving man.

Nick was trying to save his life when all he wanted to do was have it end.

Gil looked into the closet again. He reached over and swung the door as hard as he could. It didn't close, but it stopped just enough to where he couldn't see inside. His shoes came off then his shirt and pants. The blanket shook as he pulled it over him because his hands shook.

Everything in his body ached but he didn't care. Let it ache. Nick would flush all his pills tomorrow then they would talk.

He was tired of living alone.

***

Gil shuffled through the house and into the kitchen. He'd waken up sweaty again and screaming. Cloudiness filled his head making him dazed as he went into the kitchen. I was only ten at night, but he was exhausted and slept for a good five hours. Nick must be asleep too, nothing was on and it was quiet.

He set up the coffeemaker and was rummaging through the refrigerator when he heard a noise. It came from the back of the house. He quietly shut the door to the fridge and pulled a knife out of the holder on the counter. The kitchen light turned off as he went through the swinging door, knife clenched in his hand.

The hallway to the back door was dark and empty. Moon light shined through the window and cast light and shadows on the floor. A shadow moved and there was the noise again sounding like wood cracking. He stepped into the hallway and moved along the wall and slowly went toward the door.

"Stop, police!"

Gil heard someone yell. The shadow disappeared from the door and a metal clank sounded on the back porch. He flung the door open and was on the porch just in time to see Nick jump the back fence. The officer on guard rounded the corner of the house and went in pursuit of the man flee through the houses on the next block. The figure disappeared and seen Nick stop on the sidewalks look around then started walking back to the house.

The officer caught up with Nick they were talking as Nick came through the back gate. Nick smiled up at Gil and shook his head. "Guy got away."

"Was it..."

Nick shrugged. "Don't know I didn't get a good look at him. You okay?"

Gil just nodded.

"Why don't you change, and then we'll talk," Nick saw the officer around to the front of the house.

Gil didn't have time to nod before Nick was around the corner. He was shivering in his boxers. The neighborhood was quiet and no one was trying to break in. He went to pick up the dropped crowbar but stopped. Going back inside the house, he turned on all the lights as he passed them and went into the kitchen. He grabbed a napkin and a plastic bag then went back to the porch. He bagged the crowbar and sealed it tight. If it was Robert, they'd find out soon enough.




The coffee warmed Gil as he sat on the couch. He would look up whenever he heard a noise. Officers were spread out through the house and Nick was refilling everyone's coffee. Nick smiled at him as he came over and refilled his cup then sat down next to him.

Gil shifted over to give Nick more space. "Did the prints come back yet?"

It has been eight hours since the attempted break in. Gil had given the bagged evidence to an officer who took it to their lab. He couldn't go back to sleep and he didn't think Nick did sleep. There were dark rings under Nick's eyes, but he seemed to be running on pure adrenalin since the night before. But, he had to remind himself not to worry because Nick was used to pulling doubles and triples with the rest of the team.

Nick nodded a little and his smile wasn't as bright as it was. "Yeah, prints were a match to Robert. Police are out looking but..."

Gil nodded and looked at all the officers and smiled as the Sheriff of Marina del Rey, Alan Wellman, came up and shook his hand.

"Gil, glad you guys are okay," Alan said as he looked between Gil and Nick.

"I'm glad too," Gil said to Alan. "It's been awhile, but I didn't know you had all these guys on your payroll."

Alan laughed and looked around. "Nope, just me and Barney, like always."

Gil smiled and looked over at Nick. "Marina del Rey is a small community. We have one of everything. Post office, library, sheriff office, even one bike route."

"But a shit load of restaurant and souvenir shops," Alan said then looked at Gil. "Hey, we got a Starbucks now."

Gil shook his head. "We're moving up."

"Yeah, the visitors and fishermen were complaining about no mocha lattes on shore. We had to give them what they want."

"They can just go to Joni's," Gil said before he took a drink of his own coffee.

Sheriff Alan just shrugged. "Kids today. If it's not from Starbucks, they don't want it. Fishermen who've been around forever still go to Joni's, like Mike and the Scooby-Doo gang."

"Shaggy's still fishing," Gil asked while his smile got wider. He looked at Nick who was obviously confused. "Mike and his crew became known as the Scooby-Doo gang because one night, we were all drinking on the pier, even Sheriff Alan, and Mike swore that he saw a ghost on the docks. They went to investigate and nearly got shot for trespassing on old Mr. Kirkwood's property. The next day we found out that it was just a plastic bag caught on the pier."

Nick laughed and shook his head. "You meddling kids."

Alan laughed. "All I know is, if Mr. Peabody here went with them, the mystery of the ghost on the docks would have been solved in a minute, but he was too drunk to move. And look at us now; we're meddling adults with badges."

Gil took a drink of his coffee. "It's just you now."

Alan frowned down at him. "Yeah....well, you'll get back to work soon enough."

Gil nodded. He knew he wouldn't, but Alan didn't need to know that.

"Mr. Peabody," Nick asked from the side of Gil.

"Yeah," Alan said. "From 'The Bullwinkle Show'. Gil had a, uh...Jack Russell, right? Came over to our yard one day when he was ten. Scooped up a butterfly then rattled off to me and my brother about the kind it was and whatever. So, we named him Mr. Peabody and the dog Sherman."

Nick started laughing. "What was yours?"

"Uh...Gil, help me out."

Gil looked at Nick and grinned. "For awhile it was Tonto because his older brother, Danny, was known as The Lone Ranger because he would run around with a mask on and named his bike Silver. Anyway, Alan was always right behind Danny, pulling the bike that was their horse. Then, it was Superman because he couldn't stop base jumping and Danny was Speed Racer."

Nick smiled and looked up at Alan. "So, what's Danny doing now?"

Alan frowned a little and glanced at Gil. "Danny was a daredevil, thought he was going to be the next Evil Knievil. The night of his high school graduation he thought he'd celebrate by racing a train and jumping the tracks..."

"He didn't make it," Gil said then finished off his coffee.

Nick shook his head and frowned. "I'm sorry..."

"You didn't know," Alan said. "We watched it happen, Gil tried to talk Danny out of it even tried to take his motorcycle away but Danny was 'bout a hundred pounds on Gil. Afterwards, I tried getting to him but Gil had already checked for a pulse then literally kept me away. Held me back until the ambulance came then I rode in the sheriff's car to the hospital. I never wanted to speak to Gil again," he shrugged. "Held a grudge for years because he held me back, but now...I understand why he did it. When we were 24, I ran into Gil at a scene, he was the coroner and I was first officer. We talked, made amends and now here we are."

Nick nodded and smiled up at the Sheriff. "Yeah? Hey, maybe we'll work here when we do get our badges back."

Alan eyed them both with a smile. "Marina del Rey would be happy to add you two to the team. Between me and Gil both, we have some war stories to tell you."

"Believe me I have plenty of my own." Nick took a glance at Gil and noticed that he was watching him with a worry and confusion.

"Hey, you two ready to go over the escape strategy," An officer asked them from the dining room.

Everyone had insisted on calling it that because essentially that was what it was: an escape. Gil never thought he'd have to escape from his own house before, well his mother's house. Even though she left it to him, it would always be in his mind, hers.

The officers and detectives had set up camp in the dining room, discussing ways to get them out without Robert following or knowing. Nick had insisted on it. After the near break-in and the fear that it was Robert, Nick wanted them to leave. Now, since they knew it was Robert, Nick was insistent that they get out without anyone knowing because Robert is the obsessive, stalker to just be watching the house.

"No point staying in the cave waiting for the bear to return," Nick had said when he questioned him about it.

And it actually made since. Why stay when they could run and get away ahead of time. Robert would think they were still there, at the house. Once he thought all the officers left with exception to the guard, and then he'd make the mistake of breaking-in again. Then he'd be caught and it'd be over.

"Okay," the lead detective said once everyone was gathered around the table. "Here's the plan. Officer Mitchell who in appearance could pass for Mr. Stokes will leave in Stokes' truck and go to the parking garage next to LAX. The suspect, Mr. Davis, from all accounts wants Dr. Grissom, so it is safe to say fake Stokes won't be followed."

Nick glanced at Gil to see that he wasn't the only one trying not to laugh; Nick was actually biting his lip to keep from laughing.

"Then half-an-hour later, Officer Isenberg who resembles Dr. Grissom will get in his car with the real men in the back, lying down. They will go to LAX and park next to Mr. Stokes vehicle and the real Gil and Nick will switch vehicles. Ten minutes later, they will depart the airport garage and continue on their way. We will have surveillance and undercover officers in the garage and airport so if Robert tries to follow them in or tries anything, we'll get him."

Gil finally swallowed the urge the laugh and shook his head. It was like an 007 mission, either that or something Agent Culpepper would come up with. "Are you sure it's going to work. He might have a sniper gun and just pick me...I mean fake me, off." Nick was giggling next to him. Gil could even feel the vibrations Nick was so close.

"We'll have undercover officers watching the area, it should be safe," the head detective said just as serious.

Gil sighed. He hoped they pulled it off, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. If not for him, then for Nick's sake.


8888888888


Gil was lying in the backseat of his car with Nick pressed up behind him. To the officer driving who from a distance and tanned windows, resembled him, saw it as two guys ducking for cover. To him, it was Nick's body pressed up against him with him wondering if that will ever happen again, but more physical. He was trying not to think about it because he really didn't want the fake Gil driving to look back and see real Gil hard as a rock.

He breathed in deep and tried to just relax, but it was hard too with little sleep, six cups of coffee added with adrenaline, Robert on the loose in LA, and Nick spooning into his back. Nick didn't tell him where they were going. When he asked all Nick said was that it was a surprise. Nick even checked the bag he had packed and shook his head saying, "We need to do some shopping when we get there. So, we're going to stop by an ATM once we're on the road."

What did he need to buy that he didn't already have? Nick had packed a lot for the trip to California, included stuff that wouldn't do anything but make him sweat. Gil guessed that they were going somewhere a little colder than good ole sixty degree California in December. Snow and the cold didn't bother him. He'd lived in Michigan and Minnesota, gone ice fishing, and even swam in the frozen lake on a dare with a bunch of science geek grad students.

The cold, ice, and snow didn't bother him; it was not having a clue where he was going that was bothering him.

They arrived at the airport and Gil quickly got out of the car once it was parked. He looked over at the officer. "What's going to happen to my car?"

"We're going to drive it back to the house and keep it in the garage."

Gil looked at the officer for a moment then went around to the truck and got his and Nicks' bags out. He followed Nick to his truck and waited for the back to be unlocked. Nick took a bag and threw it in the back. "Why can't we fly?"

Nick looked up at him while he took the other bag. "A road trip will do you good. I don't want this to be a wham-bam deal. We need the time," he shrugged then threw the other bag in the back. "And, we can talk better without having people four inches away from us on all sides."

Gil sighed then went back to grab the empty cooler Nick had secretly stuffed in the truck. It wasn't so secret when Gil was the on to take it out and put it in the back of Nick's truck. "So, stop to get money then load up on food?"

"Yep." Nick slammed the back of his truck down. "Junk food and miles of highway does the body good."

Gil rolled his eyes then made his way to the passenger door. "So, I'm on the Nick Stokes' diet? Junk food and pizza."

Nick gave him a look through the open driver's door then got in. "Hey, I'm doing this for you. Remember that?"

Gil slammed his door shut and looked around the jammed pack airport garage. "Does anyone know about this?"

Nick started up his truck. "Yeah, I call Brass, filled him in. He didn't want to know where we were going, though. Said just in case it got out. The only person that knows exactly is me. Soon, you."

Gil stared at Nick then looked out the window. Five minutes later they were pulling out and headed for the interstate. Nick turned on the stereo and pressed several buttons on his five disc CD changer. The CD player skipped around on random and Gil was surprised not to hear country, but 'The Who'. He leaned back against the seat and just listened. "They were better with Keith Moon."

Nick smiled but kept his eyes on the road. "Yeah, but this was the only live one I could find."

"If I ever get my stuff from Vegas, I have a live CD made before Keith died. It was on tape but as Bob Dylan said, "time are a changing", so I had a friend of mine convert it to CD."



Sometime later they had stopped at a store and got money out of their accounts then went in search for supplies and food that they'd want in the truck. They could stop later at a diner or something. Nick was in search of junk that would keep them satisfied in a truck on the road for hours before they stopped for actual meals.

Twenty minutes later they were back on the I-15. Gil knew they were heading east, toward Vegas, but he doubted they were going there. Maybe Texas? Nick could be taking him to his hometown and he'd get to meet his parents.

"Did you tell anyone in my family that we were leaving," Gil suddenly asked.

Nick jumped at that since Gil hadn't said anything thing in an hour. "Yeah, I called Steven."

Gil turned back to the road and let out a breath. "He'd call everyone and tell them. I'm sure no one would call or come by, but you never know."

Nick took a glance at Gil. "Your family seems nice, that they care."

"Yeah, but seeming to care and actually doing stuff to show that you care are two completely different things. They only call or come by on holidays, and that's just two of them. Or they call if they can't make it." He half smiled. "I guess I'm more like them than I want to admit."

"You show that you care," Nick defended him. "I mean it, going to bat for us shows you care. Pulling me out of a box shows you care, calling me when a stalker was in my house shows that you care, and don't forget letting me live with you. Damn, Gil, I nearly cried when you let me stay."

Gil was staring at Nick. "You almost cried?"

"Yeah, I was so grateful and it overwhelmed me that a man who had lived alone forever and didn't like people in his house would actually let me stay there. It was a little messed up because of the being drugged thing, but nothing too crazy. I enjoyed it."

Gil went back to staring at the road and digesting that information. Nick liked living with him, bugs and quirks and all. "Maybe you hit your head too hard in the box...no one likes living with me."

Nick was smiling despite the discussion. "Maybe I did, either way, I don't just like living with you. I love living with you. You're safe, clean, organized, and your bugs were the best watch dogs." He laughed. "Hey, where are your bugs and Komodo Dragon?"

"With a friend," Gil smiled. "They're being watched over until I figure out what I'm doing."

Nick looked over at him for a second in disbelief. "You have a friend that'd watch your bugs? Roaches and all? Man, I wouldn't want to be him."

"Her, and she's an Entomologist. She doesn't mind. It gives her a chance to write her dissertation on Komodo Dragons. I'm helping her out and she's helping me out." Gil was watching the road and the passing vehicles.

"Where'd you two meet?"

"A conference. She's still in grad school and she's married so stop your thoughts," Gil gave Nick a goofy grin then went back to watching the road.

Nick was laughing and smiling. "Okay, I'll stop my wicked thoughts."

"You know how you can tell a semi is a Peterbilt?"

"Not really but okay," Nick was now looking at the truck coming up on them and making a pass.

"The front headlights, there are two of them and rounded. They have seven inch smoke stakes, and that's circumference. And the fenders...but that one has a Harley fender, cause it has that swoop at the bottom, making it look like a motorcycle fender."

Nick was half watching the road, half watching the Semi-truck passing him. "Yeah, huh, how'd you know that? Wait, never mind, you know everything."

Gil chuckled. "I only know because I learned it. A roommate of mine in college, he was going for business management because he wanted to own his father's trucking company. Over the summer I helped his father out a few times with loading and unloading. It paid for my books for the fall."

Nick shook his head. "What haven't you done?"

Gil knew it was rhetorical, but he went ahead and answered anyway. "I've never danced in nine inch heels, just ask Catherine."

Nick was laughing. "That's a very wrong mental image, Gil, very wrong."


8888888888


Gil looked around the diner ten miles out of Vegas and finally decided on a back both by the window. From the window he could see the truck. That was good; he could keep an eye on it while they ate. They had enough of cheese crackers, chips, and soft drinks for four hours.

Nick joined him after a few minutes; he'd gone to the restroom as soon as they came through the door. "Public men's restrooms are the worst. You know that case we worked together, male db in the woman's restroom. As soon as I walked in I was amazed at the cleanness."

"That's because us women deserve it," the waitress said as she stopped at the table and handed them both a menu. "And men are slobs, nothing personal. Can I get you guys something to drink?"

"Coffee for me, please," Gil said as he opened the menu and looked it over.

Nick nodded. "I'll have the same, thank you."

"Okay, when you're ready to order let me know," she smiled at them then walked away.

"So, Gilbert," Nick said with a smile. "What's your middle name?"

Gil looked up at him from the menu. Sometime during the trip, Gil had put on his glasses to look the road map over. Nick was smiling and staring at his eyes waiting an answer. "Why?"

Nick shrugged. "Just cause. I was reading a thing in the bathroom, it said, "How well do you know your significant other?" And one of the questions was "Do you know there middle name?" I thought, I don't even know the initial, so..."

Gil was staring at him. "Was that the only question you couldn't answer?"

Nick shook his head. "No, but it's the most likely one you'll answer. I don't think "How do they like it in bed?" would have been appropriate."

Gil chuckled. "Okay, first, I'm not your significant other. Second, I don't know yours, so why should you know mine."

Nick grinned. "Mine is Meredith."

Gil raised a brow at that.

Nick grinned wider then he went serious as he started to talk. "Don Meredith played for the Dallas Cowboys for nine seasons, 1960 to 1968, as quarterback. My dad loved him. Till to this day he says that Dandy—that was what everyone called him—was the best player in the history of the Dallas Cowboys. Dandy led the team to three straight division championships and trips to consecutive NFL Championship games following the 1966 and 1967 seasons. They lost both times to the Green Bay Packers, but the 1966 season was the Cowboys' first winning season in franchise history, and Meredith was named NFL Player of the Year, throwing a career-high of 24 touchdown passes that season. He also was one of nine Dallas players named to the Pro Bowl that year. And Meredith still is one of only three Cowboys quarterbacks' to have thrown for at least 300 yards in three games during a single season. He also holds the record for the longest pass completion in franchise history, hooking up on a 95-yard touchdown pass to Bob Hayes on November 11, 1966."

Gil was grinning by the time Nick got done and shook his head.

Nick finally breathed and smiled again. "My dad wanted me to be a football player, but I was a voluntary paramedic, a cop, and now, ex-CSI."

The waitress returned and filled their cups with coffee. "You two ready to order?"

Gil nodded. "I'll have the Patty Melt, side of fruit, and Vegetable soup. And bring the soup with the meal, not before, please."

Nick was smiling up at the woman. "Give me the same, except side of fries instead of fruit and no soup."

The waitress wrote the orders down and took their menus. "Be ready in ten minutes."

"Thank you," Gil and Nick both said in unison.

The waitress walked away leaving Gil and Nick alone again.

"You know, that wasn't the same thing," Gil said with an easy smile.

Nick shrugged. "So, why soup with the meal?"

Gil took a sip of the coffee. "I like to eat my sandwich with soup."

Nick smiled. "You like to dunk it, don't you?"

Gil was holding onto this coffee cup, elbow on the table, and taking sips of it. He smiled a little then looked out the window. Nick looked back out the window and saw his truck.

"It's not going anywhere," Nick said as he turned back around.

"For someone who lost it before I'd be paranoid about losing it again," Gil glanced at Nick over his glasses.

Nick decided then and there that that look should be illegal, even in Nevada. "I have an alarm on it now." He watched Gil for a moment. "So, spill, come on. Your middle name, what is it?"

Gil looked back over at Nick and swallowed the coffee in his mouth. "Tiberius."

"Tiberius? What does it mean?" Nick asked as he took a cautious sip of his own coffee.

"Tiberius was the second Emperor of Rome from 14 to 37 A.D," Gil took another sip of his coffee.

"Why did your parents pick that name?"

"My dad picked Gilbert," he shrugged. "If it wasn't that then my named would be Harlan which was my grandfather's name. Anyway, my mom chose Tiberius because she loved history, especially the Roman Empire. She was a major in Mythology with a minor in art. Anyway, Tiberius was her favorite ruler because he was the most misunderstood ruler." He paused to take a drink of his coffee. "Everyone usually just knows Caesar or Antony and Cleopatra. No one really knows about Tiberius."

"What was it about Tiberius that was misunderstood?" Nick was really curious. "I like mythology too, so give all of it."

Gil smiled. "Okay. Tiberius commanded the expedition to Armenia, and he subsequently helped subdue the Rhaetians and fought against the Pannonians. In 6 B.C he retired to the island of Rhodes, where he devoted himself to study for seven years. When two years after Tiberius returned to Rome in 2 A.D, both the young grandsons of Augustus, Lucius and Gaius, died which paved the way for Augustus to adopt Tiberius, since he was married to Augustus's daughter. When he returned to Rome several years later from active service in northern Germany against the Marcomanni, he was accorded a triumph, which was the highest official tribute that was given to honor a victorious warrior." He paused to allow the waitress to set their food down then started eating.

Nick thanked the waitress and proceeded to eat. "Continue; I find this interesting."

Gil nodded then continued. "When Augustus died Tiberius succeeded to the throne and his reign was a success. He improved the civil service, kept the army in strict discipline, and managed the finances with ability and generosity; the provinces were better governed during his rule than ever before. However, the latter part of his reign was marked by a series of conspiracies and consequent executions. Tiberius had to leave Rome and withdrew to Campania, and then he went to the island of Capreae, which is now Capri. Sejanus, the prefect of the Praetorian Guard, was left in power. When Tiberius realized that Sejanus was trying to seize the imperial power also, Tiberius had him and his supporters put to death. Tiberius lived on Capreae until his death on March 16, 37 A.D."

"Why were there conspiracies if he was such a great ruler," Nick asked before he ate a mouth full of fries.

"Because of Tiberius's coldness, reserve, and his desire for economy in government rendered him unpopular with the people and, together with his supposed depravity, gave him a bad name in legend and history," Gil shrugged. "He was politically tone-deaf like me I guess. But, modern scholars reject the tales of his cruelty, hypocrisy, and debauchery that are related by the historians Tacitus and Suetonius. Tiberius seemed to be an able soldier and administrator who retained the republican form of government as much as possible. So, he was misunderstood for centuries probably just due to the fact that he was reserved and standoffish while he did what he needed to do."

Nick nodded. "So, the name fits." He smiled at the look Gil gave him. "Well, it kind of does, lets hope you don't get banished."

"I already am. Now all I have to do is execute Robert and his followers and everything will be right in the world," Gil said before he finished his fruit.

Nick laughed. "Gilbert Tiberius Grissom; it works. And it's better than Nicholas Meredith Stokes."

Gil laughed. "Anything sounds better than Meredith unless you're a girl."

"My whole life I knew why John Wayne changed his name. You can't be a cowboy if your name is Marion Morrison. It just wouldn't work to intimidate," Nick said in a thick Texas drawl.

"Clint Eastwood is the best cowboy name, and he didn't even have to change it, except shorting it from Clinton to Clint." Gil smiled over at Nick before he stared eating his sandwich.

"Nah-huh, Josie Wales, it's fictional, but the best."

Gil looked at Nick while he chewed then swallowed. "You got a point, but...Dirty Harry is the best cop name," he playfully pointed a finger at Nick. "And no one can argue that."

Nick just grinned.


8888888888


"Okay, another question."

Gil sighed in the passenger seat. "Wasn't the middle name talk enough?"

Nick glanced at him. "No."

Gil watched as the desert was disappearing and mountains were taking its place. They were starting to head north toward Utah. "What is it?"

"Why aren't you coping?"

Gil looked over at Nick then went back to watching the road. 'The Clash' was barely audible from the speakers. "I'm coping."

Nick shook his head. "If I could smack you upside the head I would. You're not coping. I've coped. I've seen people cope. You, Gilbert Tiberius, are not coping."

"I am too," Gil's voice was a little harsher. He knew what he was doing.

"Then why do you shake all the time?"

"Because I'm withdrawing, Nick." Gil rolled his window up because the air was getting cooler.

Nick sighed heavily. "You've already withdrew from the Ecstasy, Gil. Pills that you need, Depakote and Zoloft for your depression and migraines, aren't causing this."

"Yes they are!" Gil was getting angry. Nick didn't know what he was talking about.

"No, they are not," Nick yelled right back. "Yeah, you take them when you don't need to calm your nervous. They're a crutch, just like smoking is a crutch. You need to something to relax you as you try to get a balance back. But they aren't working, are they?"

Gil was silent. He didn't want to talk no more. Or listen to what Nick was saying; he wanted out of the truck.

"They aren't, are they? Gil, answer me." Nick was trying to keep his voice even, it was failing.

"No, but that's..."

"Stop making excuses. You know they aren't working. Anxiety is building up in you, you're starting to feel claustrophobic, hands shaking, head spinning, and you can't breathe. Right?"

Gil nodded his head because that was all he could do.

Nick watched Gil out of the corner of his eye. "That's not because of the drugs, Gil. Maybe your head is hurting now because you haven't had a cigarette in awhile, but that's not the whole reason. You aren't coping. I bet you that the first time you even thought about what happened, I mean really thought about it, and had to talk about it was the other day. Wasn't it? But that doesn't even count because I was the one doing most of the talking."

Gil shook his head. "I think about it all the time."

"But not really. It's a fog, maze of some sort. Twists and turns everywhere, second guessing instincts you've had forever because your control was gone for so long you wonder if it's back or if your mind is playing tricks." Nick's voice was getting softer and quieter as he spoke. "It feels like you're missing something and you're scared to death to find out if it's really gone or if it's just hidden somewhere. Mine was my confidence and any amount of innocence I had left. Every bit of self-esteem and confidence I had in myself was gone and I thought that I could never be surprised at the amount of hatred and anger we can have for each other. But somehow, I found it again. I had a balance that wasn't masking the problem or relaxing me. What did it was the amount of tension and my family. The tension made me see something was wrong and my family kept me grounded until I figured it out."

"You still sleep with the lights on," Gil's voice was so soft Nick wasn't sure if he'd even heard it.

"It's the only crutch I have left, you're right, but...I never had the lights on at your house. I felt safe and secure. You showed that you cared and I had regained confidence because I knew that I didn't disappoint you. When I was in that damn box I had nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. It was only for a day, but I messed myself up in that one day. What happened to you took place over three months. Three months, Gil. No over-the-counter drug is going to fix that. No matter how many you take, the problem will still be there once you come down. And believe me, you don't want to hit the ground that hard, but I think you already have. You hit it, Gil. I'm scared to think about what that might cause you to do."

"You can do that...have that happen and go to pieces, but not me."

The truck pulled over to the side of the road in a quick halt. Gil looked over at Nick confused. Nick was clenching his jaw and his face was getting red.

"I can do that...but not you," Nick said between his clenched teeth. "Why?"

Gil stared at Nick before he swallowed and continued. "Because, you're like that, used to being insecure and..." he trailed off as Nick got out of the truck and slammed the door behind him.

Gil stared after Nick bewildered before he got out himself. They'd been in the truck for hours without getting out. He stretched then went over to Nick who was pacing the shoulder of the highway. "What's your problem?" He didn't mean for his voice to be that sharp but he was angry himself.

Nick stopped in front of him. "I'm not insecure. I'm a strong, confident, loving man who's trying to help out someone I respect and, yeah, love. I try to get you to see that you need to start coping with this before I find you hanging in the shower one day, and what do you do? Turn the tables and make me feel like I'm the one in the wrong here!" He was huffing out the words before he finally just yelled. It wasn't like anyone would hear them. "I have survived being stalked, accused of murder, having a gun pointed in my face, and buried alive for a day. A whole fucking day! And you don't see me regretting life."

"I was trying not too!" Gil finally gave in to his anger. Nick was yelling at him, he could yell right back. "I was trying to get on with my life after the shit that happened to me, but I couldn't deal with it the same way. You're young; you still have your whole life to get your head around it. I can't because I'm getting too old to figure it out. You can still get a different job and not have it affect your reputation. I don't have a reputation anymore!"

"It's not about that, Gil. I could careless if you teach or work on cars, what I'm saying is you still have life to live for. You can't give it up because Robert decided to fuck you over."

"He didn't just fuck me over. He took everything away, I have nothing left." Gil was starting to feel sick to his stomach, arguing usually did that to him.

"He didn't take me away. That's why I'm here, trying to help," Nick was a little less harshly. He was running out of steam.

"I don't need you." Gil's teeth were clenched tight and he barely got the words out.

"Yes, you do. You just want to deny it because...because you love me and that scares you. Being alone now scares you. I've watched you, Gil. Depression isn't new here. Your weight gain was due to depression because of your hearing, right? If you can't talk about what happened now, talk about what happened then. Maybe that'd help you gain perspective on this." Nick finally stopped talking and just stared at Gil.

Gil hadn't said anything or even moved, but his jaw wasn't clenched anymore. "I..." He stopped and turned around. He opened the truck door up and got in, shutting it behind him.

Nick sighed and moved around to the driver's side and got in. Gil was staring at the floor board, obviously in some deep thought. Nick turned the key and started the engine. It was it was almost four. They had about another two hours to go.

***

The wind was stinging his face. Twenty yards in front of him was the Great Salt Lake. The Rocky Mountains were beautiful and covered in snow. Gil loved the view, it was amazing. But the urge to throw up was constant. Nick had brought him to a cabin. A cabin!

Nick had unloaded the bags and was on the back patio staring at him. "Well?"

Gil stared back at Nick. "The view's great."

"But," Nick asked as he crossed his arms.

Gil studied the area for a minute before saying, "Did you know that the Great Salt Lake is four times saltier than the oceans. It's the Dead Sea of America. And it's only thirteen feet deep on average," he said as he started walking around the side of the house.

The snow crunched beneath his boots that he'd bought a store five miles away. The cabin was away from the main roads and city. It was bigger than most of the cabin's he had seen before, much bigger than the one Robert had him in. There was a front porch and back patio, two stories, a balcony, and a garage. A pile of wood was stacked on the side of the cabin and there was a brick fire stack running up the side.

When he came around the side, Nick was just coming out of the front door and onto the porch. Gil took out the pack of cigarettes in his coat inside pocket and lit one up. He practically forced Nick into buying him a carton when they stopped to buy out a clothing store. "I thought people couldn't build houses here."

Nick smiled a little and looked around. "Most can't. My sister, Anne, was an Ornithologist. She studied the birds up here for years. During her time, she had built a small house and eventually this cabin after she retired." He looked over the Gil. "She died three years ago and left this to me. She knew how much I enjoyed ornithology and bird watching, so," he shrugged. "I came up here after what happened. Just to think and relax."

Gil was watching Nick. "So, it wasn't the Discovery channel." He grinned at the look on Nick's face.

Nick laughed and shook his head. "Nope."

Gil looked around the lake. "What makes you think this will help me," he asked as he looked back up at Nick.

Nick stared at Gil. "It helped me, plus, you need to come to terms with what happened. After I got back to Vegas, I visited Kelly Gordon in prison. Then I went to the site where I was found. Spent about two hours there..." he trailed off as he looked around. "I, uh, also went to the warehouse."

Gil stiffened at the last part. Nick went there? Why? He was there to try to get Nick back. Ecklie had finally let him be the one to deliver the money after he had given him an ultimatum. If he wasn't the one to take the money and talk to Gordon, then he would quit. Nick did the same with him, but did quit. "Why the warehouse?"

Nick finally looked back over at him and locked onto his eyes. "You almost died there. And if you died there, I would have died in that box."

Gil looked away from Nick and started walking. He didn't stop until he was by the lakeshore. He sat down on the bench made out of logs and stared at the water until the cigarette was gone.


8888888888


The fire was going as Gil walked into the cabin for the first time. It had been two hours since he had talked or seen Nick. After he had smoked his cigarette he took a walk along the shore until he couldn't walk anymore. It was getting dark and a hell of a lot colder outside. Nick was in the kitchen and the radio playing John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High".

Nick was at the stove when Gil walked through the door. He was heating up soup and making grilled cheese sandwiches as he sung along to the music. "And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun, and he lost a friend, but kept the memory. Now he walks in quiet solitude, the forest and the streams, seeking grace in every step he takes. His sight is turned inside himself, to try and understand the serenity of a clear blue mountain lake."

"You listen to John Denver but not Lyle Lovett?"

Nick jumped at the sound of Gil's voice. "Damn Gil, don't scare me like that." He took the last sandwich off the stove and turned it off. As he turned around, he wiped his hands on the dishtowel. "And I don't like Lyle's voice, but his songs are good. John Denver was my favorite singer when I was a kid." He pointed a finger at Gil. "So don't go badmouthing him."

Gil held his hands up. "Easy, I love John Denver as much as the next man, Nicky." He started for the refrigerator. "I think his music saved my sanity in the 70's, well, him and Traffic."

"Mr. Fantasy." Nick laughed as he took down dishes and sat them on the table. "I wouldn't know anything about any of that. I was born in '71, so I had to protect my sanity in the 80's."

"Styx," Gil glanced over at Nick. "The band, not wood."

Nick smiled over at Gil as he filled two bowls with soup. "You know Styx?"

"Styx and U2 were the best bands of the 80's," Gil said as he sat down at the kitchen table with a beer and handed one to Nick.

Nick sat the beer on the table and shook his head. "You learn something new every day. I thought you never listened to anything after 1975."

Gil smiled at Nick as he took a drink of this beer. "I love good music."

Nick laughed as he finally sat down and opened his own beer. "I hear that." He smiled over at Gil. "Eat, you look cold."

"I'm not that bad." Gil looked out the back door. "Just not used to the cold weather," he said as he looked back at the table and started eating.

"Yeah, it usually takes me a day or two until I can fully tolerate it. The mountains look better in the winter than it does any other time of the year. Plus, everyone is off at resorts skiing, so this area is deserted." Nick gave Gil his slow smile. "We can do whatever we want." He made sure he deepened his voice as he said that.

Gil just raised his eyebrows, but there was a smile at the edge of his eyes.

They ate in a somewhat comfortable silence. Nick could tell that Gil was nervous and stressed. Gil's shoulders were as stiff as a board, his burrow was always wrinkled, and he stared at his food more than he ate it. Half of his sandwich was gone and his bowl was empty when Gil cleaned his part of the table off.

Nick watched as Gil would look in the every direction that made a sound as the cleaned his dishes. "Are you going to be okay here?"

Gil looked over at Nick as he put away his plate. "Why, would you let me leave if I said no?"

Nick shook his head. "No, but I want to be prepared in case you..."

"Flip out," Gil asked with that sarcastic voice. "If I do, you probably won't be prepared enough." He was out of the kitchen door before Nick could even register what he had just said.

Nick hurried and cleaned off his dishes and put them up. The dining and living rooms were empty. Gil's bag was gone from its place by the door. Nick ran up the stairs and found Gil checking the rooms out with his bag in his hand. "You can have that room if you want."

Gil glanced at Nick then went into the room. Nick was right behind him. The room had a queen sized bed with a desk and chair. A dresser was against the wall by the door. Gil opened the closet and found that it was a walk-in. "None of these rooms have a bathroom?"

"No," Nick said from behind him. "It was just my sister most of the time. When she built it, she knew that she was going to give it to me. That was the only reason it has more than one room at all."

Gil looked the room over again. "Only one bathroom then?"

Nick nodded.

Gil sighed. "Okay, I'm taking a shower," he said as he put his bag on the bed and opened it. He glanced over at Nick. "That means get out."

Nick looked at Gil for a moment then shut the door as he left the room.


8888888888


It was three in the morning when Nick heard gunfire. He fell out of the bed and onto the floor with a painful yelp. But that didn't stop him from grabbing his gun and hurrying out the bedroom door. The upstairs was clear and there was no sign of Gil. "Gil!"

He carefully went down the stairs, gun in front of him, and saw light coming from the living room. The television was on with the volume turned up. Through Nick's sleepiness and confusion, he hadn't heard the voices or the other sounds from the movie that was playing. Gil was lying on the couch, arms curled under his body, watching the movie. At least, it looked like Gil was watching it, but he doubted it. "Gil?"

Gil didn't move or blink.

Nick stepped closer, to the end of the couch. "Gil?"

Gil blinked that time and turned his eyes toward Nick without moving.

The tension and pain that had been building and coursing through Gil for weeks was breaking loose and the sight before him made Nick want to go and hug the man, or kill Robert. Gil was slightly shaking, dark bags were under his eyes from lack of sleep, but most of all tears were desperately trying not to break free from his blue eyes.

Nick knelt down on the floor beside Gil and turned the Charles Bronson movie that was on down. "Hey," he said as he rubbed Gil's back and shoulder. The quivering muscles below his hand didn't stop. "Its okay, Gil." He pressed his forehead against Gil's temple and whispered in his ear. "Nothing was your fault. I promise, Gil, nothing." He rested his left hand in-between Gil's shoulder shades. The shaking was getting worse.

When Gil spoke, it was a shaky whisper. "I should have been the one in that box."

Nick slightly pulled away enough to look into Gil's eyes. Gil was serious. He was shaking his head as he spoke, "No..."

"It would have ended there, then those men--"

"Gil, shut up. It wasn't your fault. Robert is a twisted, crazy fuck. He would have killed people despite you," Nick whispered but his voice was still sharp.

Gil shook his head into the pillow. "I caused all this to happen. Me, not Robert. I should have..."

"What," Nick asked as he moved to be directly in front of Gil. "Huh? What?"

Gil glanced over at Nick before he closed his eyes. "Died, Nicky."

Nick sat back on his heels before he shook Gil on the shoulder. "Open your eyes."

Gil shook his head and kept his eyes shut tight.

"You fucking coward, open them."

Gil did open them then. Nick's voice wasn't loud or forceful, but it was soft and gentle. Nick was so close to Gil's face that he had to move his head back to see Nick's eyes.

Nick was staring at him, never breaking eye contact. "You are worth your life, Gil. Without the job, without the evidence, without the bugs, you are still worth your life." He took a deep breath to not cry. "I learned a lot about myself during and after what happened to me. I learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. Yeah, I thought about pulling the trigger, but I didn't. I survived, kept myself alive. I did that. After it was over, I questioned why I survived, why I didn't just end it all. Why in the hell it happened in the first place."

Gil was watching him with bloodshot eyes that still refused to cry, to let go.

"You can't keep everything inside of you. It's going to keep building then one day...I'm afraid I'll find you dead in the bathroom or something. Survivors guilt, post traumatic stress, it doesn't just go away. Nothing is over until you make it over, you can either pull that damn trigger, or you can dig yourself out of the hole. I'm here to help you do that because I refuse to watch you dig any deeper. Damn it, Gil, I love you."

Nick finally sat back on his heels and wiped the tears that had started to stream down his face. Gil was still staring at him with those dull looking blue eyes that used to light up any and everything. Nothing was said for what seemed like days as they just stared at each other.

"You were right," Gil said breaking the silence.

Nick frowned. "About what?"

Gil swallowed hard then moved to lie on his back. He had to turn his head to an awkward left to see Nick that hurt his neck. Looking at the ceiling was easier, so he settled for that. "Before about getting depressed about my hearing. My greatest fear for a long time was just being known. All my secrets being exposed scared me to death. And being in a position were I had to give myself to someone completely just was never an option for me." He glanced over at Nick then crossed his arms on his chest, giving him some sense of security. "Then...then I stopped hearing. Not completely, but it got me thinking about what I'd miss. You guys were at the top off my list, right above music."

Nick chuckled at that and smiled a little.

Gil smiled a little too. "It got me depressed because I kept thinking about losing my job, my work that kept me going. But, also, not hearing Catherine's advice, Jim sarcastic puns, Warrick's easy going attitude, Sara's...comments." He smiled more. "Hell, even Greg's jokes and Hodges ass kissing."

Nick was smiling more too. "You'd miss Hodges?"

Gil chuckled to himself and continued to stare at the ceiling. "And you," he said as he looked at Nick. "I would have really missed your Texas drawl when you got emotional."

Nick stared at Gil. "But you can hear, and we are here now."

Gil nodded and a frown replaced his smile. "I was afraid, still am. I am afraid of being alone. I would lie in my bed after the surgery waiting for weeks alone; waiting for the day I could go and have the padding removed. Catherine would come by once or twice a week to check up on me."

"We didn't know," Nick said. "If I'd known..."

"It's okay. I kept it from everyone. Some knew, Doc Robbins and Catherine. Jim said he knew before I told him." Gil looked up again, studying the wooden ceiling. "But, I just got more depressed because I just couldn't stop thinking. That's why," he pointed to the beard and his hair. "It wasn't a midlife crisis or anything. It was me feeling sorry for myself."

Nick ran his hand through Gil's hair which made Gil turn to look at him. He smiled down at Gil as he continued to rub his head. "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."

Gil was staring into Nick's eyes. He nodded after a moment. "I know."

Nick did it without thinking again. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on Gil's lips. "Never hurt you, Gil." When he pulled up he finally saw the tears start to run down Gil's face.

Nick wiped the tears away and pressed another kiss, this one more pronounced, on Gil's lips. He felt Gil kiss back with a reserved yet firm pressure. They parted and Nick smiled down at him. If it was any other time, Nick would have done more, a lot more, but instead he stood up and offered his hand. "Bedtime. If you can't sleep alone," he said as he helped Gil up then started for the stairs. "You can sleep with me."


8888888888


"Okay, thank you," Nick said as he flipped his cell phone shut. "That was Alan; he said that they are still on the look out for Robert."

Gil was surprised that their cell phones even worked. They had rented a boat because Nick had insisted that they take a trip somewhere and possibly camp. He just wasn't sure about a trip in a boat to the middle of nowhere land was such a good idea. They each had a bag with their stuff in it, a cooler with drinks and a bag with food, sleeping bags, firewood, and a small radio that was blaring "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. "Where are we going?"

"Antelope Island State Park," Nick said from beside him driving the speed boat around the ice cold water. It wasn't frozen, never did according to Nick, but the wind was stinging their faces.

Gil looked over at Nick. "Antelope Island? Isn't that famous for wildlife?"

"Yep," Nick said smiling. "It's the home to bison, coyotes, antelope, deer, bighorn sheep, shorebirds and waterfowl. And in the winter time, hardly anyone is there and we can pull the boat right up to the Bridger Bay shore, pay the fee, and then set up camp."

"I still think that camping in December is a bad idea."

Nick was smiling wide now. "Come on, where's your sense of adventure?"

"I left it in California, when I was twelve." Gil looked over at Nick. "You're serious aren't you?"

"Hell yeah, winter and snow be damned. We are camping!" Nick glanced over at Gil. "What, you've never been camping in the winter time before?"

Gil shook his head. "I have, it's just...not recently."

Nick knew that wasn't the reason but he smiled anyway. "Neither have I, recently."




Gil had to admit that Nick knew how to pitch a tent. It wasn't one of those new tents that would just pop open and be done with it. This one had poles and everything. Nick refused to let Gil help him saying that he needed to rest and set up the fire. It was freezing out.

The fire was going by no time. So, he put a pot on with bottled water in it to heat it up. The radio was still on and just started playing "Don't Let Me Down", by The Beatles. Gil looked over the area and was enjoying the view. No wind was blowing, the mountains reflected off of the water, and the camping area was kept nice and...Nick was bending over trying to pin down the last corner. Gil forced himself to look away. Nick had to stop doing that. It was distracting.

Nick finally got the last corner in and stood up, fisted hands shooting up. "Yes, I did it," he yelled. He was grinning as he walked over to Gil. "So, what'd you think?"

Gil studied the tent and the area. "You couldn't pick anywhere less bumpy."

Nick frowned then dove, tackling Gil the short distance to the ground from his sitting position by the fire. "Hey, I'm not complaining about the small fire you put together."

Gil was smiling and laughing under him. "That's because I don't have to sleep in the fire."

"Wanna bet," Nick said while laughing too. Gil was still trapped under him and effortlessly trying to get out of Nick's grip.

"Are you going to lay on me all day," Gil asked trying to get out from under Nick, but he was still grinning.

Nick stared down at Gil and a smile slowly spread over his face. "Maybe," he said in a deep drawl.

Gil stopped struggling and stared back at Nick. His smile was gone but he wasn't mad. Actually, he was happy. For the first time in God knew when, he was actually happy.

Nick swallowed hard as he stared down into Gil's blue eyes. "I, uh...want to be with you. What...I need to know what you think about that."

Gil finally blinked away from the brown eyes and his forehead furrowed. Then he started half singing half talking. "I'm in love for the first time. Don't you know it's going to last."

Nick frowned down at Gil then the song registered and he started laughing. "It's a love that last forever. It's a love that has no past!" He sung and watched Gil laugh under him.

"Don't let me down," Gil got out between laughs. Nick was singing right with him. He felt content in that moment. He was in love for the first time. Nick made him love. So, doing something un-Gil like and hasty would be fine. He slowly wrapped his arms around Nick and brought him down for a slow kiss.

Nick moaned into the kiss as Gil ran his tongue along his bottom lip. He parted his lips, allowing Gil to deepen the kiss. The taste and feel of Gil's tongue slowly and cautiously exploring his mouth was amazing. His body was responding quickly and he had to put his weight back on his knees to resist the urge to just ground Gil into the ground. He didn't want to scare Gil off. The last thing he wanted to do was go too fast and freak Gil out like the last time they had tried to get physical. Nick understood now that he needed to go at Gil's pace, whatever that might be.

Gil's hands started to caress his back, sending shivers down his spine. Nick desperately needed air because his nose just wasn't breathing it in fast enough. He reluctantly pulled his head away from Gil's and sucked in air. "Jesus."

Gil blinked at him and then smiled. "I didn't know my kisses were of biblical proportions?"

Nick laughed as he rested his head on Gil's shoulder, nuzzling his neck. "They are. Made me think I was in heaven."

Gil hugged Nick tight against his body. He was starting to believe Nick. Every word he was starting to believe. That scared him because if he lost Nick, he'd lose himself. No amount of therapy could get him back. He'd been fooled once into thinking he was in love, but that was nothing but a lie, one big and painful lie. "Why do you love me?"

Nick breathed hard against Gil's neck. "That's a book."

Gil chuckled. "Really, I want to know. I," he stopped then let out a shaky breath. "I don't think I know what that's like."

Nick sat up on his elbow and frowned down at Gil. "What? To know why you love someone?"

Gil nodded. "I mean, I loved my parents. But that's different, it was expected." He looked over Nick's shoulder and stared at the sky. "I was never really in love with Robert. I thought I was but...I wasn't."

Nick was nodding his understanding. "It's difficult, you know. Love is just...something unexpected. When it hits you, you'll know." He smiled down at Gil. "Before I left Vegas, Catherine pulled me aside and said that you were burned, you were burned badly. Robert never deserved you, Gil. You're too good for him."

Gil glanced over at Nick. God, why did Nick always have to say things like that? It was making him believe that he was actually worth something, other than the size of this brain. "It wasn't just Robert. The only people I'm sure that loved me were my parents. Sara had this...thing, but it wasn't love. She didn't know me. We've talked, and she's fine now. She has a boyfriend named Chris."

Nick smiled at that. "Good, I didn't want to have to body slam her if she tried something."

Gil laughed. "Yeah, good thing I saved her from that, you tackle pretty hard." Nick smiled his bright, sexy smile at him and Gil had to bite his lip to keep from moaning.

The gesture wasn't lost on Nick so he bent down and kissed Gil. It was short, but sweet and nice. When he pulled back and opened his eyes, his breath caught in his throat at the lust in Gil's eyes. "That wasn't even my 'I want to fuck you' kiss."

Gil laughed and pulled Nick down for another kiss. "That's good because I would have come in my pants if it was."

Nick laughed hard that time and had to put his head down on Gil's chest. "Damn, Gil, you're going to kill me."

Gil was chuckling to himself. He didn't think anything could be any sexier than the way Nick laughed. And it wasn't even a mocking laugh at him, but an 'I love your sense of humor' laugh. He hoped that was what it was anyway. "So, you never answered my question. Why do you love me?"

Nick peered up at him from his chest. His chain dug into Gil's chest as he spoke, but Gil didn't mind. "I can't tell you, I have to show you." He smiled and his eyes sparkled as he did so. "Actions speak louder than words, right?"

Gil stared into those sparkling eyes and nodded.

Nick leaned up and kissed him on his chain. "Thank you for sharing, and it hasn't even been nine years," he said a little amazed.

"Warrick," Gil implied. It had to be.

Nick smiled more. "Yep, you know, for someone hiding themselves because they didn't want to be known, you sure are easy to figure out."

Gil frowned in confusion.

Nick just chuckled. "You are one very confusing mofo."

Gil raised a brow at that and he grinned pulled at the edge of his mouth. "Mofo?"

Nick laughed and finally let go of Gil. "It's getting cold, and I have to prefect solution."

Gil reluctantly let go of Nick then sat back up. The fire was dying so he put some more wood on it. "Do I want to know?"

Nick reached into this bag and pulled out a bottle. He settled down beside Gil and held it up. "Nothing makes you warmer than either sex...or Jack Daniels. And I know sex isn't on the horizon, yet. So..." he trailed off as he took a sip. "God, for a second I thought it wouldn't burn."

"For a Texas man, you don't know how to take your whiskey, cowboy," Gil said teasingly.

Nick gave him a hard look. "Don't make me tackle you again. I'm an iced tea man by nature."

Gil shook his head with a deep chuckle. This trip was going to get more and more interesting. He had gotten his drunken wish of a drunken cowboy. They even had a boat.


8888888888


When Nick woke up the last thing he expected was Gil wrapped around him in a bear hug from top to bottom. He had to almost pry Gil's arms off of him and then untangle their legs. The last thing he remembered was singing Tom Petty's "Breakdown", talk of fantasies, and...Gil offering to blow him. He looked down and saw that they were both fully clothed minus the coats and boots. "Hey, Gil," he pushed Gil's shoulder. His head was spinning and he felt hot and queasy. It was a hangover, damn it. "Hey, Gil!" He shook and pushed Gil again. "Wake up." His voice sounded rough and his mouth tasted like he ate a bag of cotton balls.

Gil stirred and finally opened up one eye then the other. He stretched and wrapped his arm back around Nick's waist. "What? And don't yell, my head hurts."

Nick stared down at Gil then got right up to his nose. Gil opened his eyes and looked at him. "Did you blow me last night?"

Gil frowned, thinking. It was funny how Nick knew the difference. Gil finally shook his head. "No. I think I would have remembered something like that."

Nick nodded slightly so not to make his head hurt worse. "I agree, but..." But, stranger things had happened. He crawled over top of Gil and unzipped the tent, and then proceeded to crawl out of it. Once the cold air hit him he felt somewhat better, definitely more awake. He stood and stretched then paced the front of the tent.

Gil got up and was watching Nick from the entryway.

Nick finally stopped then nodded. "Okay, I don't feel like I had sex or anything remotely associated with it."

Gil raised his brows. "You can tell," he asked confused and amazed.

Nick nodded and looked down at him. "It's been that long, huh? We need to do something about that if you can't remember that men can tell if they'd had sex the night before."

Gil gave Nick that 'none of your business' looks and frowned before he stood, stretched again and wincing at the sting of cold wind on his face. "I'm fifty, what did you expect?"

Nick gave him a goofy smile. "Young, hot women falling over a sexy, brainy, older man like you."

Gil laughed. "That's your dream," he said as he made his way over to the fire. "Coffee?"

"Absolutely. And my dream would be hot, young frat boys." Nick sat down on the makeshift benches the park sat up around each campground. "So, what do you want to do today?"

"Well," Gil said as he uncovered the pot full of water that never got used last night. In fact, nothing got used except the tent and the empty bottle of whiskey that was serving as a vase to his cigarette pack. How did that happen? "I would suggest going home, but you'd say no. So, how 'bout...checking out the local birds." He looked over at Nick who was smiling at him.

"Birds? I can do birds. Maybe you'll find some cool winter bugs." Nick didn't know if snow, cold bugs existed.

Gil just laughed. "Birds and winter bugs it is." He sat the pot on the fire then looked over at Nick. "I've got a question. Why is the whiskey bottle playing vase to my pack of cigarettes?"

Nick looked at the bottle and started laughing. "I was going to write on it 'Help me stop Gil from smoking. PS, send more whiskey'."

Gil walked over and pulled the pack out of the bottle and studied it. "No, it would have been sent back with 'Don't replace one bad habit with another. PS, I don't have whiskey'."

Nick was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. It had to be the alcohol still coursing through him. "Hang on, I have to go pee."

"To much information, Nick," Gil said as he laughed. "Actually, hang on, so do I."


8888888888


Nick looked stunning. Gil noticed that as soon as Nick's eyes went wide in pleasure of seeing all the birds resting on the far shore. He wondered if Nick would ever look at him with that kind of pleasure in his eyes. He hoped so. That was just too beautiful to pass up.

"Look," Nick said softly and pointed. "A Peregrine Falcon. There are only eleven of them here because they're endangered." He slowly raised his camera and snapped off a few pictures. When he was done he smiled over at Gil. "Thank you."

Gil shrugged in his heavy coat. "For what?"

"For this. I would have done anything you asked this morning, and for you to pick this over everything else. Just, thanks." Nick kissed him on the cheek then looked over his shoulder. "My god."

Gil looked over and saw what Nick was looking at. It was a bald eagle perching on a rock cliff, overlooking the water below. He didn't need to know a lot about birds to know that. He heard Nick snap off a few more pictures before the eagle spread its wings and then flew away.

Nick snapped off a few more then stopped. "Wow. Never thought I'd see one in the wild."

Gil nodded his agreement. "That was...wonderful wrapped up in beauty." He smiled over at Nick. "Thank you, for bringing me here."

Nick smiled. "Let's get back to the cabin. We both need a shower."

Gil nodded and they started walking back. On the way, Nick kept his camera out and took pictures of all the birds: Wilson 's phalarope, Marbled Godwit, Snowy Plover, Long-Billed Dowitcher, and Bank Swallow. Nick explained what they were and why they were there. Gil listened the entire walk back with a grin on his face. This was Nick's passion, and he was a lucky man to be part of it.

***

Gil was slow at packing. His thoughts kept racing and it was hard to get them to stop and concentrate on putting clothes in a duffel bag. Nick was giving him a look and finally came over to him, took the bag, and told him to sit down. He did as he was told and watched Nick get the rest of the stuff packed.

Nick loved him. For whatever reason, Nick was going to stay with him. The choice was his to whether a relationship was going to happen or not. It was all up to him whether Nick stayed in his life as just a close friend or as his partner.

He didn't know if he could make that kind of decision. Nick was wonderful with a hundred good adjectives to describe him. He was...well, just wasn't. Being alone for most of his adult life proved that. There wasn't anything he could offer anybody except his mind. The only people who were remotely interested in him because of his intelligence.

People looked at him and said, "Now there's a brilliant man". So, he gave up on trying proving otherwise. It was easier. No one thought he had a big heart, cared so much it hurt, or cried sometimes in his office with the blades shut and door locked because a case hit him so hard he lost control. Gruesome Grissom, tin man with a heart, a robot....that was him.

"Stop thinking," Nick's Texas drawl said from beside him.

Gil blinked and looked over at Nick. "That's what I do, think."

Nick was smiling. "Not now. Now, just...be happy. Okay? Turn off your brain and just do whatever you feel like doing. Treat this like you would when you ride a rollercoaster. Live in the experience, wind blowing on you, lean into the twists and turns, and the feel of complete and utter release."

Gil was staring at Nick and shook his head. "I...I don't think I can do that." He got up and grabbed his two bags and headed for the shore where the boat was at.

Nick was right behind him. "Why can't you?"

Gil didn't even look at Nick as he kept walking. He didn't know how to voice why he couldn't. He just couldn't. His stomach turned with the thought, lungs burned with desire to breathe, and his hands shook.

Nick grabbed Gil's shoulder and turned him around. Gil was avoiding his gaze by looking off to the side. Nick turned his head to face him but Gil then looked at the ground. "You can do this, Gil. I'm not Robert. He's not here to hurt you anymore. I can love you, Gil. Hell, I do love you. We can take our time and--"

Gil slightly shook his head. "It's not you, Nicky. I can't. I don't think I can--"

"Hey, it takes time. A relationship takes time to grow and we have the rest of our lives to make this feel right." Nick was trying not to plead to Gil, but he desperately wanted him. His need and want for Gil ached to his bones.

"No, I mean." Gil finally looked at him. "I don't think I could ever love again, Nicky. I don't have anything to offer you."

"Gil," Nick said with a heavy sigh. He didn't know how to make Gil see that he'd take him no matter what. "I just want you. Brains or not, I want you."

Gil stared at Nick for a long moment in dumbfounded confusion. He didn't understand why Nick would want him. He was a man who didn't think he'd be able to love Nick back completely. "But...why?"

Nick stared back at Gil in frustration and empathy. "Good God, why do you hate yourself so much that you're going to let me go?"

Gil blinked back and shrugged Nick's hands off his shoulders. "Seneca said, 'A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is'."

Nick stared at Gil for a long moment. "So, you think you don't deserve this? Why?"

Nick said that in such a thick, sad emphasis that made Gil swallow the lump in his throat. He back away from Nick with a look of disgust on his face that Nick knew wasn't toward him. Gil was disgusted with himself.

"Damn it, Gil, you have a chance to be with the person you love the most and you're still fighting it." Nick was getting angry at Gil's denial and refusal because it didn't make any sense. He didn't know why Gil would walk away from him like that. Why would anyone walk away from the person they loved, unless..."You think it's wrong, don't you? Not the homosexual thing, but love. Being in love isn't wrong, Gil." Gil was still walking away from him toward the shore. "How many times do I have to prove to you that I'm not him?!"

Gil stopped walking and slightly turned. He didn't face Nick completely, but enough to indicate that he was talking to him. "I know you're not him, Nick, but...What about me?"

Nick went to talk but stopped. He rocked back on his heels like that last part smacked him in his face. "You," he stopped as he cleared his throat. "You think that? Gil, you're not him."

Gil stared at the shore as the waves kept washing over it. "How can you be so sure? You don't know me." He looked up and met Nick's brown, confused eyes. They weren't judging but wondering, accepting, and loving him even as he degrades himself. He took a deep breath and let it out; it was all or nothing. "I'm obsessed with you to the point if I don't see you or you're not with me I want to find you and never let go. I ache all over when you're gone and I can't seem to find the right words when you are there. When I see you every day it physically hurts that I can't touch you or give you a look that says everything I've been thinking and feeling. I hate it when you have a date that's not with me because it should be. I'm obsessive, jealous, and ready to kill or be killed for you and we're not even together." Nick was mere centimeters away from him now and he didn't remember seeing him step closer. He let out a shaky, painful breath and stared over Nick's shoulder. "Robert did that. He was obsessed with me and...And I couldn't breathe around him, couldn't think when he was in the room, couldn't feel a thing. It wasn't because I loved him; it was because I feared him." He looked right into Nick's eyes before he said, "I don't want you to fear me, especially now when I'm so unstable..." he trailed off as he swallowed hard again. "I've already hit you once...God, Nick, I hit you!"

Nick shook his head. "It was the drugs, not you."

"Stop making excuses," Gil yelled. Nick didn't see because Nick loved him. It was him, no matter what. He did it. "It was me! Okay, me. I balled my hands into fists then hit you. You can blame it on the drugs, on the lack of sleep, on the paranoia, but I know the truth. I hit you." Gil emphasized each word then bent down, grabbed the bags, and then threw them into the boat. He climbed into the boat and sat on the backseat staring at the floor.

Nick sighed heavily and got in after Gil. He put the key in the ignition and turned it.


8888888888


Gil sat on the porch once they got back, staring at his dying cigarette. Nick had taken the boat back alone and was walking up the walk way toward him. He glanced up and watched the snow fall over the white blanketed land. Nick didn't seem to care that he was getting covered.

"Cold?"

Gil shook his head.

"Then why the cigarette," Nick asked as he walked up the steps, crunching snow in every step.

"Why the coat," Gil responded before he took a slow drag from the cigarette.

Nick stopped at the top of the steps and gave him a serious, profound look. "You don't need that."

Gil stared up at him then looked back at the snow falling.

"Am I worth it, Gil?"

Gil quickly looked up at Nick. He shifted in the cold seat, draping his arm over the back of it. "Yeah."

Nick nodded. "Why?"

"Because," Gil stopped then sat back. Tell Nick just because he was Nick wouldn't work. Nick was seriously asking and was expecting a serious answer. "A verse from the Veda says, 'What you see, you become.' In other words, just the experience of perceiving the world makes you what you are."

"The only reason you think I'm worth it is because I see myself that way," Nick asked. "You don't think I am?"

Gil stared at Nick. "I didn't say that."

"But," Nick crossed his arms. "That's what you implied. So, following that. You're a pathetic excuse for a man because you see the world that way now, right? Is that what that means?"

"You're amazing, Gil. Amazing and pathetic." Robert's voice filled his head. Gil gripped the armrest of the chair. He was pathetic, wasn't he? "Nick...Leave me alone."

Nick shook his head without seeing the shake in Gil's own hands. "No. You're the one who quoted, 'It's in changing that we find purpose.' Is a purpose with me so hard to find that you'd rather give up then to try? What, do you really want to die alone?!" He looked down at the porch and said, "I need an answer now, Gil. It's either a yes...or a no."

Gil glared up at Nick from his chair. He couldn't say anything because his jaw was clenched too tight. He didn't know if he could choose. He felt the tears welling up as soon as Nick came walking around the side of the cabin. Nick drove him crazy, made him emotional with just a look, weak in the knees with just a smile, and made him obsessed with wanting to see that smile and look. The question boiled down to could he truly be happy with Nick despite everything that had happened without looking at him every day with guilt in his eyes? "No," he said without looking up at Nick.

Nick swallowed and closed his eyes to keep the tears from falling. He thought back on the day before. How could they go from laughing, joking, kissing, and bird watching one day to being alone when standing together the next? When he opened his eyes he wanted to yell or scream or do something to let out his frustration. Gil wasn't looking at him but the cigarette he was smoking like nothing serious had just happened. "I'll never stop." Nick bent down and whispered in Gil's ear, "I still love you."

The door slammed shut as Nick stormed through the cabin and up the stairs. He needed a shower.

Gil stayed on the porch watching the cigarette wither away. He reached over and turned on the small radio that was with his bag that was still on the porch because he wanted to drown out his thoughts with something mindless. An unfamiliar song was playing but he didn't feel like changing it. An unfamiliar song was good, he didn't have to think about words or the band's origin, why they formed the band, and all the other useless facts he had.

The words to the song filled him despite his wondering mind. He reached over to turn it off but stopped before he pressed the button. His breathe caught in his throat and a tear finally fell and slid down his cheek. Luck, faith, destiny, all those never sat well with him. Life happened, free will, coincidence, those did sit well with him, but...Damn.

After a few minutes the DJ came on saying, "That was Coldplay with 'Fix You' here at KRRM. The Rocky Mountain--"

Gil pressed the off button then went inside. He grabbed Nick's keys off the coffee table then went over to the desk. He quickly wrote out a note then left.


8888888888


He didn't have time to wait on the fifty people in line at the store. Gil had forgotten that it was almost Christmas. In fact, he didn't even know the date. It had to be between the sixteenth and twentieth. He hoped anyway. Nick shouldn't spend Christmas in Utah and not Texas. He briefly wondered what Judge Bill Stokes would say about that before another line was opened and he quickly got in first before another fifty people piled behind him.

The sun was starting to set as he drove back to the cabin. It was a good thing he'd lived in colder states before, the roads were horrible. If he hadn't been such an asshole to Nick then he wouldn't had even been in this mess. Stubbornness was an understatement for him. He was just down right impossible. No wonder he was in a serious relationship before except with an obsessive, abusive asshole. They were meant for each other. But, not anymore.

Hopefully Nick would accept his apology and gift. It was the least he could do be treating him the way he'd did. He made Nick believe he had a chance and they were together then BAM, he knocked him down then started kicking. Not literally, but figuratively. In a way, that was worse than any real physical abuse he could had bestowed on the younger man.

Before he knew it he was pushing through the snow in front of the cabin and parked. Why Nick didn't park in the garage was beyond him. The lights were on and the fire was going. He was smiling as he grabbed the bag on the passenger seat, shut the door, and then clicked the button on the keychain as he walked up to the back patio.

He could hear the fire cracking as he walked through the backdoor. Taking off his shoes he noticed plates sat up on the table and two covered pots on the stove. It was spaghetti and meat sauce. It was still hot so Nick must have just gotten done.

The kitchen door swung open as he walked through the cabin. Gil was looking through the bag one last time when he crossed the small dining room into the living room. "The spaghetti smells wond--"

A sudden sharp pain rippled through his body. A hand was gripping him from his back. His head was thrown back and he was staring into brown, cold eyes and a disfigured, burned face. "Robert?"

Robert smiled and whispered in his ear. "You're turn."

Gil looked down at his stomach only to see Robert's hand covered with blood, his blood, and holding the handle of a knife. It took him a moment to realize that the blade was in him.

Robert spoke into his ear, "Don't worry Gil. It's a stomach wound. It'll take hours for you to bleed out. Let's hope your Nicky gets back in time to save you." He pulled the knife out the same time he let go of Gil.

Gil stumbled back and hit the wall then slid down to the floor with his arms wrapped around his stomach. He brought his hands up and saw them coated with blood. Fear rippled through him at the thought of what Robert might have done to Nick. "Nick...?"

Robert kneeled down next to him and then everything went black.

His life didn't flash before his eyes when he was dying; it played over and over again in front of him, at least, that was what he thought he was experiencing. His mistakes weren't just one or tow, it was his entire life, but one part in particular. Now, lying on the cabin floor like some nightmare circle of life coming together and slipping in and out of consciousness, his mistakes were all he had.

Even if he wasn't dying, his mistakes haunted him, even strangled him in his sleep until he'd finally woken, which he did just then. He opened his eyes only to be seeing nothing but his own blood pooling next to him. He heard Robert faintly in the background, he could have been two feet or two miles away, he wouldn't have known the difference. All he heard were footsteps coming, going, fast and slow. But he never tried to find him. He couldn't take his eyes off the blood and the only thought that kept coming back into his consciousness. Nick.



Gil sat outside the hospital room and stared at the floor. He kept thinking that Nick was going to be wheeled out of the room with a white sheet over him. He had to see for himself that Nick was in there, alive. Warrick and Catherine had stayed with Nick until his parents arrived. He stayed at the crime scene to collect the evidence. He didn't really know why. Walter Gordon was dead, but it was protocol.

He checked his watch then rubbed his face. He'd been there for three hours and he still hadn't seen Nick yet. In half an hour, visiting hours would be over. He closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. He didn't open them again until he heard the door open. Bill and Jillian Stokes were leaving. Jillian smiled at him and turned to her husband, said something then left down the hall. Bill stayed behind and walked over to him.

He stood up and shook the Judge's hand. "Judge Stokes."

Bill smiled. "Call me Bill."

He smile and nodded. He didn't know what to say after that, but he didn't have too.

Bill continued. "I just wanted to thank you. You saved my boy."

He shrugged. "I did my job. The evidence..."

"Yeah, but you got him out of there alive. I don't care how you did it, you did it. And I'm grateful. You have no idea." Bill then patted him on the shoulder. "Take care of my Pancho, will you?"

He knew the second he heard Nick was missing. Then he knew again when he saw him on the computer monitor. He knew it when he went to see Walter Gordon, even Walter knew it too. He knew after Walter blew himself up and he realized that they had no way of finding Nick. Then, when they pulled Nick out of that coffin, when he watched the ambulance take him away, he knew what he had to do.

He stared at the Judge Stokes, Bill, and then nodded. "Always." He swallowed hard and turned back to the door. He let out a breath and opened the door.

Nick was lying in the bed, asleep. He sat in the chair by the window because he didn't want to look at the monitors or the IV's or to the respirator. Right then he didn't trust the machines to tell him that Nick was really alive. He leaned forward and gently touched Nick's hand. He didn't want to wake the younger man, but he had to touch him. He had to feel his steady pulse; Nick was alive. He pulled his hand away and couched out a breath and quickly closed his eyes to hold back the tears.

He hadn't slept since he got the call nearly two days ago. He leaned back in his seat and he was instantly asleep.

Sometime later, he didn't know how he knew Nick was awake and looking at him, he just knew. He woke up and looked over at Nick. Nick was smiling at him. He leaned forward and touched Nick's hand again.

Nick's smile faded and he raised his hand and pointed a finger at him. When Nick spoke his voice was rough but solid. "I'm... not...your Pancho."

He blinked then smiled. Nick's smile returned with a small laugh and he closed his eyes again. He looked down then back up at Nick. "Who am I to you then?"

Nick opened his eyes and thought about it. "You keep, saving me...so I guess, you're my Lone Ranger, and I'm your Tonto."

He huffed out a laugh. "Or I'm Lassie and you're the boy in the well."

Nick started to laugh. He was still laughing when the night nurse came in and told him that is was time for his visitor to leave. Nick looked at the clock then at him. "How come, it took you, this long, to see me?"

He looked away and shrugged. "Your parents were here...I didn't want to intrude." He smiled back at Nick. "Get some rest, Nicky. Okay?" He stood up and touched Nick's hand again before he started to leave.

As he walked, he felt a sense of pride well up in him. If this had happened years ago, Nick would have never been laughing or joking so soon after he was rescued. He would have been scared and possibly even paranoid as hell. Just as he did after Amy Hendler stuck a gun in his face threatening to shoot him, and for months after Nigel Crane invaded his home and life. He turned around. "Hey Nick?"

The younger man looked up at him. "Yeah?"

He knew his eyes were showing Nick he was sincere, because he was. "I'm proud of you."

Nick blinked at that, a little bewildered. "For what?"

He smiled. "For...not taking it with you. You've never disappointed me, never."



His world kept fading. Gil opened his heavy eyes again and he heard loud banging and popping noises and more yelling then...silence. It wasn't because he had gone unconscious again but a deafening silence filled the cabin.

A pair and feet came running toward him. When he was moved he screamed out loud from the blinding pain then...He as out again.

Nick wrapped Gil in his arms and lifted him up against the wall. "Fuck," he mumbled as pain shot through his arm. He was bleeding from a flesh wound but he was fine. It was Gil he was concerned about.

He bundled a towel and pressed it against the wound and wrapped it with an ACE bandage. Nick couldn't believe that he was gone when this happened. It was only supposed to have been a short walk along the rocky shore to clear his head after he had finished cooking. A wave of relief had overwhelmed him when he saw his truck pull up to the cabin. He took off running back but got tripped up the rocks. By the time he made it up to the house he knew something was wrong.

In that moment he thanked God he always kept his gun with him. He went around to the back and caught Robert coming out of the back door. His first shot missed and Robert fled back inside. He pursued and fired again, hitting Robert in the leg. Then...then Robert turned over with a gun pointed at him then fired. The bullet barely missed his arm and he was able to get a third shot off.

Nick lifted Gil again, this time up along the wall until he had his feet under him and a good grip on Gil. He didn't even stop as he passed the lifeless body on the kitchen floor. He could call officers in while he was on the way to the hospital. Gil landed hard on the backseat and Nick checked for a pause. It was weak but hopefully strong enough to last for the drive into town.



Five doctors were waiting at the entrance as Nick pulled his truck up to the curb. Three helped Gil onto a stretcher while the one jumped on top of Gil and the other listened to the technical terms flying out of the other fours' mouths. Gil was quickly fading during the last five minutes of the drive. Nick knew he had been freaking out on the phone with the nurse he was talking to.

Gil disappeared into a room that was blocked off. A doctor grabbed him telling him he had to stay away.

"Please, sir. Sit down or you'll have to leave."

Nick stopped at that command not wanting to spend the wait out in the middle of the cold, Utah hospital parking lot. He sat down hard in a chair.

"You need help," the doctor asked as he pointed to his arm.

Nick shook his head. "Flesh wound. I'm fine."

"Are you his emergency contact? Where are you from?"

There was a different doctor in front of him now. How long was he dazing? "No, and we're from Vegas..." Nick trailed off as he realized he didn't know who Gil's emergency contact was.

"Do you know a Catherine Willows?"

Nick looked up and again, a different doctor. "Yeah. We work together." He looked around the hospital seeing it for the first time. "How long have we been here?"

The woman doctor frowned. "Four hours."

Nick blinked and sat back in the chair. He was there for four hours and didn't know how Gil was? "Gil, is he okay?"

The doctor smiled weakly at him. "If you're not his emergency--"

"I'm his partner," Nick suddenly stood up and yelled. "I have every right to know how the love of my life is doing! I saved his life today, carried him to my truck, wrapped his wound up, and I pleaded with him for miles not to give up and die. His blood his coating my clothes and hands, and you can't tell me how he is because I'm not his contact! I'm his life, he is mine, and I want to know if he's still alive or not!" The entire waiting area and people in the hallway were staring at him, but he didn't care.

The doctor was gasping and motioning for a guard to come over. "Sir," she finally got out. "If you don't calm down, you're going to have to leave."

"No, he doesn't."

Nick looked up at a familiar voice and nearly broke out in tears when Catherine hugged him. Jim, Warrick, Sara, and Greg where trailing her. "You're all here."

Catherine nodded on his shoulder. "He's Grissom. We all couldn't just stay and wait to hear the news. You know us, we love him too."

Nick did let go then. He cried on Catherine's shoulder until there were no more tears and he felt exhausted. "Gil? Cath, I need to know."

"He'd alive." Catherine let go and looked at him. "Struggling, but alive."

Nick nodded. "When can we see him?"

Catherine shrugged. "Whenever the doctors decide it'd be best for him. He's still in critical. The stomach wound wasn't the only one."

Nick stared at her. He thought he checked Gil over before he picked him up. The last five hours had been nothing but a blur and Gil was struggling to breathe when he found him. Maybe he didn't check. "I might have done something. I didn't check him over. He..."

"Nick," Warrick said from beside him. "You got him here and saved his life. He's going to come through. I've never known Grissom to give up."

Nick faced his best friend then nodded. "Your right, Grissom doesn't understand the words 'Give up'." He turned around and greeted everyone in the small area.

They all looked different from the last time he remembered seeing them. It could have been from the stress and fogginess, but that wasn't it. It was because Gil was lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life.


8888888888


Nick jumped up as he heard Gil scream and was at his side in seconds. The first thing he'd notice was the pain-filled expression on the older man's face and the tight jaw. He gently took the cold, numb hand lying on the bed into his own and squeezed it.

Gil's eyes fluttered open, followed by the other. Thankfully it was dark out and the lights were turned down because his head was pounding enough without light stimulation. He swallowed cotton down his throat then groaned.

Nick understood the groan and grabbed the cup of ice chips off the table and started spooning for out for Gil to swallow. "Gil? It's okay. You're okay, in a hospital." He was surprised at how shaky his voice was. "I like the chips better, 'cause I don't have to worry about spilling water all down your gown." Nick tried to smile and lighten the mood.

Gil couldn't help but glare at Nick, his humor wasn't working.

Nick adjusted the bed so he would be upright, after some hoarse pleas that came out as just vowels. Once settled, Gil closed his eyes, then reopened them and looked around the room. He realized he was in his own room, recovery room? Nick was the only one there at the moment, but he wasn't the only one there before. Three pizza boxes were still on the table by the couch and a lot of empty coffee cups and soda cans were piled in the trash.

"Everyone was here earlier. They left a few hours ago to get some rest. Greg had to fly back to Vegas for a court hearing." Nick tried to sound calm and neutral, but he was too tired so his voice was laced with his thick accent.

Gil slowly nodded, he needed to talk, ask some questions. After a full cup of ice his throat felt better than before, but why was it sore anyway? "What...happened?" He managed to get out. As soon as he opened his mouth pain shot through his body again and he had to bite down hard not to yell.

The pain wasn't lost on Nick. "Hey, don't talk, Gil. It's...you don't remember?"

Gil shook his head.

Nick let out a shaky breath and continued. "Robert, he found the cabin..." he stopped and tried to control is voice. "He stabbed you twice, in the stomach and back."

A thought coursed through Gil's mind at the last part and before he could stop himself he went to raise his leg. It lifted. Tears fell not only from relief but from the blinding pain rippling through him.

"Damn it, Gil! Don't move," was the last thing Gil heard before he passed out again.

Nick covered his face with his hands. Gil was awake, in pain, but awake. Robert was dead and his body on its way to Vegas. The officers cleared him and found it to be self-defense. Everything was okay. Once Gil woke up, they'd still be together. Gil was stubborn as hell, but if the engraved watch and CD the officers found in the cabin were any indication, Gil wouldn't try to push him away ever again.

***

Gil hated hospitals with a passion. Every ten minutes a doctor would come in, check his vitals, stitches, back, and then asked him to raise his legs which sent blinding pain through his body each time. After all that the doctor just said, "Um-hmm" then walked back out. If another doctor walked in and told him to do that again he'd be arrested for attempted murder.

Nick walked into the room with two cups of coffee from Starbucks. He smiled at Gil who stared back at him with his hard look of despair. "They had you raise your legs again?"

Gil groaned and accepted the cup of coffee. "I'm going to have to pray for forgiveness if another med-student comes in here and lifts my leg." He took a sip of the coffee and hummed in delight. "Contraband, how did you sneak it in," he asked as he smiled and took another sip.

Nick smiled wider and sat in the chair next to the bed. "Well, first I decided to risk imprisonment if it means getting you a decent cup of coffee, and then I devised a plan that involved bubble wrap, Greg, and roller skates."

Gil wanted to laugh but the last time he did it made him hurt worse and the doctors scolded him for five minutes about not breaking stitches. "The nurses said I might be able to walk around today. It must be some new form of torture." He smiled and tried to remember how they started referring to the hospital as a prison. Greg started it after they refused to let anyone see him for almost ten hours after he was moved to his own recovery room. After that, everyone was doing it, even Brass.

Nick frowned at that and took a sip of his own coffee. "Why do they think it'd hurt less if you walk?"

Gil shrugged. "I have something to ask about..." he trailed off as he focused over Nick's shoulder. "We've been caught."

Nick looked over his shoulder to see a med-student frowning down at both of them and Greg looking sheepish next to him.

Greg raised his hands in mock surrender. "It wasn't my fault that I couldn't get pass Nurse Ratched."

Nick just shook his head and looked at the doctor. "I talked to the nurse and Doctor Sawyer before she left. They said it'd be okay."

The med-student nodded. "Good, I just dropped by to see when Dr. Grissom would be interested in trying to walk."

Gil raised his brows and glanced at Nick before he replied to the student. "Uh, well...Do I have to do it today or can I wait?"

Nick bit back a laugh. Gil was going to try to get around this as much as possible. He watched the student contemplate the question then look down at the chart in his hands.

"It's advised that you do so as soon as possible to ensure the damage to your back didn't affect your--"

Gil waved him off. "I can feel my legs. And my nerves are working because every time you lift them I feel nothing but pain. So, once the swelling goes down around my spine you'll be able to lift my leg without it hurting. I think we should just wait until that happens."

The student nodded a little in shock. "Okay. We can do that. I'll tell Doctor Sawyer when she gets back." He spun around and left without saying another word.

Greg watched him leave and turned back to Gil. "Was I like that when I was a rookie?"

Gil stared at Greg in his neutral, supervisor look. Nick knew that it was hiding his amusement. "Yeah, but you didn't know when to stop talking."

Greg smiled and sat down next to Nick. "I still don't."

"I think it's all the Blue Hawaiian coffee," Nick said with a grin.

Gil drank his coffee while he watched and listened to the exchange of banter. He missed that. Not with Nick and himself, but of the team. He heard commotion in the hallway and in walked Catherine and Warrick.

"...no, no, I said 'disciplinary action' and Ecklie thought I said 'chemical reaction' and he hit the floor like a bomb just went off. He's trying to bribe me to give him the picture I took of him on the ground in a fetal position with the look of a cat caught on barbwire."

Warrick was laughing. "I've got to see that picture."

"I've posted it on the lab's website," Catherine said matter-of-factly with no hint of tease. She smiled when she finally looked over at Gil and gave him an awkward hug since he was still in bed. "I see Nick's 'Mission Impossible' worked."

Nick was grinning and gave Greg one last elbow nudge before he said, "It was a complete success, until Greg became a POW."

"It was Nurse Ratched. No one bets her; just ask Randle McMurphy." Greg was dead serious which made everyone laugh at him; Gil even gave a small chuckle. "Hey, laugh all you want, she's dangerous and I'm lucky to be alive."

Gil was even grinning at that. He'd missed Greg's sense of humor and imagination. He hoped Greg would never lose that once he was a CSI, and it looked like he wasn't. Greg was still able to make everyone laugh. "I see you're reading more."

Greg nodded and sat back. "How can you pass up a book about a mental institution that was made into a movie with Jack Nicholson?"

Warrick walked up to Gil and gave him a handshake before he sat down in the chair on the other side of the bed. "We have to leave," he looked up at Catherine then back at Gil. "The lab is falling apart according to Hodges and I have a court date tomorrow."

Gil nodded. "Okay, you shouldn't keep Vegas waiting." Catherine gave him one last hug then Warrick patted his shoulder and followed her out of the room.

Nick looked around the room once they were gone. "Are they married yet?"

Greg said through the laughter around the room, "Not yet, but the date is set for January." Everyone looked at him while he just shrugged. "That's the word around the campfire anyway."

"Where's Sara," Gil suddenly asked.

Jim sat down in the chair Warrick vacated from. "Back in Vegas already, her and Warrick had the same case that's on trial. Her testimony was yesterday and she was called back today."

Gil nodded. "Who was the officer?"

"Vartann, so..." Jim shrugged. "I'm free until Sunday then I have to get to Vegas to work out all the pre and post Christmas celebrations that unfortunately end in murder."

Gil frowned at the thought that he didn't even know what day it was.

Nick saw the look and spoke up. "It's Thursday, December 21st."

Gil stared at Nick and sighed. He didn't think he'd get out of there before Christmas. It wasn't the fact that he cared; it was the fact that Nick was going to miss it with his family. He couldn't remember a Christmas where Nick didn't go home to Texas.

"Speaking of Christmas," Greg said with a huge grin on his face. "I'll be in Norway snowboarding."

Gil blinked at Greg and shook his head. "Let's just hope you don't end up in a hospital."

Greg stood and patted Gil on his shoulder. "If I do, I'm glad it's not here. I'd be too scared with her down the hall." With that Greg waved over his shoulder and left.

Gil took another sip of his coffee and waited for Greg to leave. Jim was still in the room drinking his own coffee and looking like he wasn't trying to eavesdrop.

"You wanted to ask me something," Nick asked as he leaned forward in his chair.

Gil looked over at Nick and nodded. "What happened...after Robert stabbed me?"

Nick glanced at Jim who gave him a 'well, go ahead' look. He smiled and leaned closer to the bed. "I was out walking, waiting for you to get back. When I saw the truck pull in I began running back, but I tripped on the ground and my leg got caught. By the time I made it back I felt something was wrong so I pulled out my gun and went around back. When I got around the side of the cabin I saw Robert leaving through the back door. I didn't hesitate to fire but I missed him. He ducked into the kitchen and I fired again hitting him in the leg. Then, he turned over with his own gun and fired, he missed and I killed him. Single shot to the head."

Gil was staring at Nick the whole time and finally nodded. "You, you're okay?"

Nick smiled and nodded. "Yeah, flesh wound but otherwise..." he shrugged.

"They found it to be self-defense so Nick doesn't have to face any charges," Jim said from the other side of Gil.

"How did he find us," Gil asked with such sad emotion Nick and Jim both blinked back in surprise.

Nick started grinning. "He didn't fall for the James Bond escape plan."

Gil grinned himself and leaned back. "I told them it wouldn't work."

Nick nodded. He looked over at Jim who was grinning too because he had filled Jim in on just about everything. A lot of it was personal experiences only for him and Gil.

"I did have another question that Detective Andrew never asked," Jim said quietly so not to break the good mood. "You know, since we're asking questions."

Gil looked over at him and waited.

Jim sat up straight and then leaned forward. "Nothing serious, but part of Robert's motive was thrown in the air by the lawyer who was defending him. Robert mentioned his brother being killed and you preformed the autopsy. He was trying to make it look like you had done something...illegal."

Gil stared at Jim in confusion. "What kind of 'something illegal'?"

Jim sighed. "That maybe you're the one who was the hit-and-run driver who killed Robert's brother."

Gil started laughing and shook his head. He shouldn't laugh because of his stitches, but he couldn't help it. "I drove my mother's car every night to work. Believe me, if there was a scratch on it, I'd still be grounded. The police even checked me out because I did perform his autopsy despite the fact I knew him. The person who killed his brother drove a black vehicle that was most likely a truck because of the damage." He paused while he took a drink of his coffee. "I had a suspicion for years after me and Robert broke up that Robert was in fact the one who hit his brother's car, but I could never prove it."

Nick shook his head in disgust. "Robert killed his own brother? Why?"

Gil shrugged. "His parents loved John the most. Spoiled him, gave him everything, and they treated Robert like dirt under their shoes. I witnessed that, it was the only time I actually felt sorry for him."

Jim nodded in some kind of understanding/agreement. "Sounds reasonable seeing how Robert was crazy."

Gil and Nick both looked at Jim with their own separate looks of agreement. Jim just laughed.


8888888888


It'd been four days since he arrived and he was ready to leave. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve and he was doing fine. Nothing vital stopped working, his back was healing along with his stomach, he had all his blood back, and he could walk. That happened yesterday. He put his feet on the cold tile and walked to the door, out in the hallway, and back.

Gil sighed heavily when the doctor came back in again. "Is this necessary?"

Doctor Sawyer just looked at him before she checked his chart. "We want to make sure you're ready to go. We don't want you to die on the road from a blood clot, do we?"

Gil frowned and finally nodded. "Nick is driving me and he was a paramedic. If anything happens, he'll take care of it. I'm fine, really." Except for the headache and pain he felt when his drugs ran down, but that was normal. "I'll even take the wheelchair out."

"You must be delusional," Jim said as he walked through the door.

Nick was right behind him. "Tell me about it. After he finally woke up and was conscious for more than two seconds, he said and I quote, 'Okay, I'm ready to stop being so stubborn'. Then he passed out again."

"That was the drugs," Gil said with a slight grin on his face. The doctor was poking around him again, but he welcomed it. Whatever it took to get out of the hospital quicker, he'd take it. "Why are you still here," he asked Jim. "I thought you had pre-Christmas celebrations to get to."

Jim shrugged. "I do, but I want to follow you to the Texas border. I don't want Nick to run off the road and not know about it." He smiled after his dark sarcasm then continued. "Catherine wanted to come back and ride with me but Ecklie had a talk with her about some supervisor mumble jumble. So, it's just us."

Gil nodded and glanced over at Nick with a small smile. "Good, I don't want Nick running off the road and no one knowing about it either. I'm sick of hospitals."

"Okay Dr. Grissom, you're free to go. I'll be back in a second with your prescriptions."

Doc. Sawyer went to leave when Gil stopped her. "Could I get Naturopathic medicine? Or do I have to go to Seattle for that?"

She faced him then smiled. "Naturopathic it is. Do you have a doctor in Vegas?"

"No," Gil glanced at Nick again. "But I know someone in California who can find one for me...wherever I go."

She nodded and left the room leaving the three men in the room. Nick and Jim were both eyeing Gil. Gil just shrugged with one of his innocent looks that gave nothing away except he knew something they didn't.

"Naturopathic medicine? What did California do to you," Jim asked with his sarcastic Jersey accent that contrasted the serious look he gave Gil.

Gil smiled and looked at Nick before he went to stand. The first time he got to walk around was like a toddler taking its first steps. There was still swelling around his spine for the most part but when it'd finally go down he would walk like a pro again. Once he stepped down he swayed but caught himself on the bed railing. He really did hate drugs also. How could he have been so stupid?

Nick was looking at him with concern in his eyes. "You sure you don't want to stay here for another day?" The look Gil gave him was all the indication he needed to know Gil was serious about leaving and the concept of staying wasn't.

Doctor Sawyer came back with a wheelchair and papers. "Here are your prescriptions--"

"Give them to Nick," Gil said as he lowered himself in the wheelchair. "He's in charge of everything."

Jim shook his head. "He really has lost it. Do you have any openings on the psych ward?"

"Jim." Gil stared at Jim but was still grinning. "If I go, you go. You're crazier than me."

Jim gave him a solid look then nodded. "Okay, two openings?"

Nick was trying not to laugh as he listened to the doctor talking despite the humor of the other two men. She gave him the slips with the prescriptions on them then smiled and left. He folded the papers and put them in his pocket. "How many trees and herbs does it take to keep a headache down?"

"More than the ones in Vegas," Jim said with a shrug. "Seeing how we don't have many."

Gil glanced up at the two men, Nick pushing him and Jim striding along beside him. "I'm glad we're taking separate cars. I don't think I can handle the both of you at the same time."

Nick chuckled while Jim just gave them both a look.

"Yeah, well," Jim was saying. "The two of you need time together. Discuss sleeping arrangements since Gil's now injured, again."

Nick started laughing. "Jim, we're not quite there yet."

Jim stopped walking once they were at the elevator and pressed the down button. "It's been weeks and you two haven't," he stopped and looked around. "Haven't had sex yet? What kind of gay relationship are you?"

"The Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes kind. End of discussion," Gil said as he eyed Jim.

Jim just nodded. "Okay, just checking. How are your parents taking the fact you're bringing a guy home for Christmas, and your ex-supervisor none the less?"

Nick glanced at Jim. "They know I'm bi, so," he shrugged. "They said they liked Gil when they first met. My dad still brags about how Gil saved my life."

The elevator beeped and the doors opened. Three doctors got off before they could get on. Gil was anxious yet excited about going to Texas, and then after that Vegas. Once in Vegas he could finally get his stuff together and packed, get his bugs and Komodo dragon back, and see what Nick wanted to do.

He hadn't discussed with Nick about moving to California. All that he knew was that he couldn't stay in Vegas. His mom left him her house and he was planning on living in it. Even if it meant he had to go through every room and sort through everything. Maybe he could have a yard sell or donate what he could. No one in his family was going to take anything even though his mom said they could have what they wanted.

The decision was made to have a talk with Nick either on the road or while they were in Texas. Probably Texas, Nick would have to treat him like a guest and not kick him out. They arrived at Nick's truck and Gil hurried to his feet and opened the passenger door before Jim could even get the door for him.

"Be careful," Jim said as he held the door open. "I'll take the chair back, okay, Nicky? You can go ahead of me, I'll catch up."

Nick nodded as he shut the passenger door. "Thanks Jim. Be careful, I know you're not used to the cold and snow."

"Hey," Jim stopped and smiled. "I'm from Jersey; I know how to drive through snow."

Nick laughed at the thick use of the Jersey accent. "Yeah, yeah, when was that? Sixty years ago?"

"Don't make me rear-end you."

Nick got into the driver's side door and shut it. He watched Jim for a moment while he started up the truck and turned the heat on. "Ready to go?"

Gil nodded keeping his eyes on Jim as they backed out of the parking space. Once they turned onto the street he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He was going to Texas.

Nick glanced over and saw Gil fast asleep. He smile and turned the radio on low. In the back was the bag with the gifts Gil had gotten along with a bag of his own. When they get to Texas he'd give both to Gil so Gil could present his gift to him personally. That was the way it was supposed to be.


8888888888


Gil felt someone shake him. He blinked opened his eyes and saw Nick smiling at him.

"I need to change your bandages," Nick said as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

Gil yawned then unbuckled his belt. They had to be in Texas because desert, rural area had replaced snow covered mountains. He had been sleeping off and on for the entire trip. It took almost a day to drive from Salt Lake to Dallas, and he was only awake for probably twenty minutes of that day.

The air was warmer and Gil relished in it. He didn't mind the cold, but he loved the warmer air. The heat wasn't the usual dry but was humid which caused Gil to hurry to get inside the gas station they'd stopped at. It was dark out, but it was still hot.

Nick led him to the restrooms and shut the door behind them. "Okay, sit down on the counter and lift up your shirt," he said as he placed the bag with the fresh bandages and antibiotics on the counter.

Gil blinked back then did as he was told. "Let's hope no one mistakes this for anything else and have us arrested."

Nick smiled as he moved in front of Gil and pulled the dressing off. "Well, if they do. I have a lot of friends in the police force."

Gil watched as Nick took his time cleaning the area, being careful of the stitches before he added cream then redressed it. He was amazed at the concentration and compassion Nick took in doing such a tedious activity. The way Nick was kneeling in front of him he prayed no one walked in just then.

Nick straightened up once he was done. "Good, now, turn around."

Gil really felt himself blush then. "This position is worse then the other."

Nick was laughing behind him. "We're both fully dressed. So calm down."

"Nick, I'm leaning over a counter with my shirt hiked up to my shoulders and you're standing behind me. It doesn't matter if we're fully dressed or not, it looks incriminating," Gil said in his no-nonsense voice. He looked up in the mirror and saw Nick slightly blushing behind him as he cleaned the stitched up flesh. The sight before him made him really tight in his jeans. Now this was incriminating. He let out a deep breath as he tried to willing his erection down. Instead of looking in the mirror he focused on the sink and went over all the television show theme songs he knew.

"Okay, all done," Nick said just as he heard the restroom door open. He turned to see a shocked teenager in a skullcap staring at him and Gil.

"I'll just wait," the teenager said before he left the restroom.

Gil straightened up and fixed his shirt. "Told you," he said to Nick as he walked around him and out the door. He spotted the teenager just outside the gas station talking to another guy with a skateboard in his hands.

The teenagers both stopped talking as Gil exited and went straight to the truck, Nick right behind him.

Once they were both safely in the truck Nick started laughing. Gil gave him a look but soon followed Nick in laughing, even if it did hurt. The teenagers were still standing outside looking at each other before they cautiously opened the door and went back into the station.

"Man, I wonder what those two must think," Nick said between laughs as he started up the truck. He buckled his seatbelt and rolled down the window.

"That one of them just witnessed two men ready to leave the restroom after they had sex in it," Gil said as he grabbed his own seatbelt. He quickly leaned over before Nick put the truck in gear and kissed him hard on the lips.

Nick returned the kiss with the same amount of force that caused Gil to go weak in his knees. Gil moaned into the kiss as Nick drove his tongue into his mouth, making the kiss more deep and erotic. Gil couldn't help but wrap his free hand around Nick's neck and caress and knead it making Nick groan in response. After what seemed like forever of kissing and caressing, they both broke the kiss and panted for air.

Gil reluctantly sat back and fastened his seatbelt while Nick shifted and took a deep breath before he put the truck in reverse. When Nick looked over he saw the two teenagers staring with mouths ajar at him. He should've waited to put the window down.


888888888


"Come on, time for the Stokes family Christmas Eve party," Nick said as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

Gil opened his sleepy eyes again and was surprised to see a huge ranch house with Christmas lights wrapped around every window and a wreath on the door. He raised a brow. "There went my escape plan." He looked over at Nick who was confused. "Now, I don't know how we got here so I don't know how to leave."

Nick chuckled as he pulled the keys out of the ignition. "Whenever you need to escape, just let me know." He got out of the truck and stretched. "Jim turned off before we reached the border but he called every twenty minutes to make sure we were fine. I also stopped by the pharmacy and picked up your prescriptions. Apparently my sister Jane is into Naturopathic medicine too."

Gil nodded and got out of the truck and tried to stretch as much as he could without pulling something. It hurt to even bend his back but he did that then he stretched his arms over his head. "Are you sure this is fine? I don't want to be an inconvenience?"

Nick looked at him in disbelief. "You say that now that we're here?"

Gil went to say something then stopped. Nick was right. That was stupid of him. "Forget I said that."

Nick smiled and wrapped his arm around Gil's shoulder as they walked up the steps leading to the porch and the door. "Gil, you're never an inconvenience. Okay? Not in this house anyway."

Gil had a fleeting thought that he couldn't believe that before he shook his head. Nick wouldn't lie to him. He was welcomed.

The door swung open and a wave of noise filled the quiet, rural area before Jillian Stokes stepped into the doorway and smiled at them both. "It's about time. I thought I had to send Cole out to search for you two," she said as she hugged Nick.

Gil was surprised when she pulled him in for a hug too. She was even careful with his back and didn't press hard against his stomach. When she pulled back she was smiling right at him.

"I'm so glad you're here. The whole family gets to meet the man who saved our Pancho."

Nick blushed as he walked into the foyer and sat the bags he had in his hands down. It was everything they had since California with a few extra coats, sweaters, and boots. "Mom, don't start. Gil is here as a guest of mine, not as a display case."

Gil followed Nick but didn't go further into the house. It was all wooden inside with no carpet from what he could see. He toed off his shoes as did Nick and then followed them down the long hallway.

The stairs were to his right that led to the second floor that he couldn't even see. The one room to the left was filled with nothing but a fireplace, couches, and a bookcase. The room just passed the staircase was where all the voices and music was coming from. It had couches surrounding the wide, flat-screen T.V. that was playing a football game, and the stereo was on playing instrumental Christmas music.

Gil heard running upstairs and grinned when Nick said, "That'd be the young ones." He looked over at Nick. "Nieces and nephews?"

Nick smiled and nodded. "We have enough for two football teams. They have a game tomorrow; nephews versus nieces' Super Bowl game presented to you by all the branches of government held in the Stokes Family's backyard. The girls are up 2-1."

Gil was smiling and laughing at that. He could just imagine the family cheering for both sides to win while hackling each other at the same time. When he was younger he only got to play with the neighborhood kids, and most of the time they didn't want to play with him.

Bill Stokes made his way through all the grownups, Nick's brothers and sisters with their spouses and gave Nick a hug. "Welcome home son. How was the drive?"

Nick sighed. "Long, Gil here slept the whole way."

Nick smiled over at Gil like he was presenting the best thing he'd ever brought home. Maybe he was. Gil shook the Judge's hand. "It's a pleasure again Judge." He wanted to say 'Definitely in a lot better circumstances', but he didn't know how the family still felt about the incident with Nick.

Bill nodded. "I'm sure the last time we talked I told you to call me Bill. And it's a pleasure also, and better circumstances."

Gil blinked back and nodded.

"But still as awful. I'm glad to see you're doing well and here with us for Christmas," Bill said in such certainty that Gil had to smile a little.

"So am I," Gil said as he watched another man come through the crowd laughing and shouting something back to another man. He looked a lot like the Judge except younger. The man was just as old as Gil was but taller.

"Nick!" The man gave Nick a tight bear hug and Nick actually yelped.

"That's Cole, Nick's brother," Bill told Gil who was staring at the two men.

Gil nodded. Nick did say he was the youngest of eight and the second son. So, Gil had five female sisters to meet, because Anne had passed away. He swallowed hard. And maybe seven in-laws if Anne's husband was still around. Plus, children and grandchildren. There was no way he'd survived that many people around him all the time.

Cole finally let Nick down and grinned over at Gil. "Don't worry; I know you're injured so I won't bear hug you, yet." Instead he shook Gil's hand too and said, "The docs in Salt Lake give you a lot of good drugs?"

"Yeah, the natural kind," Gil said with a slight grin of his own. "Jane..." he trailed off as he looked at Nick. He continued when Nick nodded. "Jane told Nick where to go."

Cole was laughing by then. "Jane, always the oddball. Well, besides Nick here. She's an environmentalist studying holistic medicine now. She used to be a Prosecutor."

Nick was laughing too. "She's the one who had a four woman protest and even had a sit-in with love beads around her neck." He started looking around the room. "Where is she anyway?"

"Upstairs giving my grandson havoc." Cole started walking toward the staircase. "She's reading to them and singing 'Happy Christmas (War Is Over)'."

Gil turned to look at Nick. "That's one of the best Christmas songs, besides the ones about Jesus."

Nick shook his head. "Come on, I don't want you two knocking heads just yet."

Gil hesitantly walked beside Nick and wished he had a clipboard to hide behind. By the end of the night, he wasn't going to remember any names. There was Susan and her husband Brian, Rose and Douglas, June and Adam, Casey and Travis, Cole and Kristin, and finally Jane and her partner of twenty-three years, Vanya.

Right, Gil thought, he was never going to remember everyone. And he hadn't even gotten to their kids and/or grandchildren yet. Name tags would be nice but everyone knew everyone except for him. With all the catching up and small talk, Gil had time to sneak away and wondered into the kitchen. It was empty. He sighed in relief and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. He wasn't supposed to drink but he didn't care.

"I saw you sneak off, Gil. You can't hide, believe me, I've tried."

Gil turned to see Jane leaning on the island. The small, petite woman looked almost exactly like her mom, minus the age. Jane was in her later forties but didn't look any older than Nick. "I'm just tired and ready for bed. Think that'd happen?"

Jane smiled. "It could. Being the youngest and only boy in the house Nick got his pick of rooms. He picked the whole third floor."

Gil smiled; Nick would do something like that. "Is it sound proof?"

Jane just laughed. "There's a door to the stairs that lead up to it, you can shut it and lock it," she said with a wink then left the kitchen.

Gil chuckled at the whole family's bluntness and no beating around an issue persona. Every one of them was different in their own way, yet all were or had been associated in law enforcement or the justice system. Jane was as liberal as they came while Cole, who was an officer for years but is now a soon-to-be Judge taking over his father's seat when he retires, was more conservative but not intolerant. Casey was a PR with a government agency in Phoenix. Rose and June were both Prosecutors, one in Dallas the other Houston. And Susan was also a lawyer turned activist to get funding for departments and crime labs. He liked them all.

The second floor was just as noisy as the downstairs. Children ranging from five years to sixteen were playing video game, house, dolls, and some kind of spy game through the halls and rooms.

"Hey, wait up," Nick called from behind Gil.

Gil stopped just before he opened the door to the third floor to wait for Nick. "Am I trespassing?"

Nick smiled and wrapped his arm around Gil's waist. "No, I just wanted to help you up the steps. Jane said that you were tired?"

"Believe it or not, I'm still tired," Gil said as he slowly made his way up the narrow, winding staircase.

"You'll be that way for a while. With the months of hardly any sleep and now the drugs...How long did it take you to be okay after the ear surgery," Nick asked as they reached the top of the steps. He swayed a little but kept Gil steady. Maybe the last shot of rum was a bad idea.

The movement wasn't lost on Gil as he wrapped his own arm around Nick's back. He noticed a bathroom to the right and to the left was the hallway leading to a bedroom and another room at the every end with no door. "About a week, give or take."

Nick stopped in front of the door on the right. "Here's the bedroom. That," he pointed to the room at the end of the hall with no door. "That was my crash pad, but then when I was here I changed it into my office."

Gil chuckled. "Crash pad?"

"Yeah," Nick was laughing too. "When I was in high school it was where everyone hung out and we...drank."

Gil raised a brow at Nick. "You mean where you broke the law and no one knew about it."

Nick blushed as he helped Gil sit down on the bed. "Yeah, and I did get caught, just not here. At the fair, we would sip Vodka from soda cans until the sheriff caught on after his son arrived home drunker than Otis off of Andy Griffith. That was his analogy by the way."

Gil huffed out a laugh as he lay down on the soft mattress. "That's better than all the things I did. The seventies were crazy."

Nick sat down on the other side of Gil then stretched out next to him. He stared at that new view point of Gil. He had sleep with the older man before but never took the time to take it in. Gil was on his back looking at the ceiling. His eyes searched it like it was a foreign object, maybe to Gil it was. His left arm was supporting his head and his right rested on his stomach and every now-and-then would move slightly as his stomach breathed in and out.

The only light in the room was radiating from the hallway. It cast shadows in weird places around the room and across Gil's features. His blue eyes sparkled in the dark and his usual calm, neutral demeanor was replaced with raw tension and uncertainty. It broke Nick's heart. "What's wrong?"

Gil shifted and blinked in surprise. He breathed out deeply and swallowed hard. Nick could even see the movement of his Adam's apple. Gil's mouth barely opened before it shut again.

Nick frowned and sighed to himself. Something was bothering Gil and he wasn't going to ask him. He wanted to push, to make Gil tell him everything, all his secrets and lies, but he knew just as everyone else did that Gil wouldn't divulge anything until he was good and ready.

The thing was Gil wanted to tell Nick. That was what kept his throat locked and mouth dry. He wanted Nick to know everything. While Nick observed him externally he was fighting with himself internally. It was a battle of truths, of love, of pure happiness. He couldn't wrap it around his head that he was actually feeling happy, loved, and content without his job being involved. It physically hurt to think that he was preventing himself from having all of that because he was scared of it.

Here he was in Nick's old bedroom in Texas, with his family just two floors below them, and all he could think about was how he was going to let Nick down in a relationship. Nick was looking amazingly sexy and open to anything and everything right now. His chocolate brown eyes were studying him like he was a sight to behold. Nick's eyes on him made him tremble with fear and lust, but he was too stressed and confused to get interested.

He wished he could turn his brain off and stop thinking, like Nick told him to do. It was his nature to think, to rationalize, to categorize, to observe others but not to be observed himself. That was how so many people thought they knew him but really didn't. He wondered if Nick had any misinterpreted impressions of him.

"You're doing some serious thinking," Nick said in a lustful Texas drawl.

Gil glanced over at him and breathed out making his whole body quiver. He studied the ceiling again and actually noticed the colors of the room. It was a brown ceiling with light blue walls...interesting. "Where'd you get the color scheme for this room?"

Nick chuckled beside him. "My mom. It was painted when I was ten and I never repainted it. I used to build a lot when I was a kid, clubhouses and forts, and most of the time I built them in this room. The blue walls made it look like daytime and the ceiling...I guess I never built ceilings so that was it."

Gil was grinning. "Greg was a tinfoil ninja."

Nick laughed and cautiously moved his hand from laying beside Gil to resting on his stomach next to Gil's own hand. "Greg was a lot of things, still is."

Gil froze for a second when he felt Nick's hand on his stomach, but then he quickly relaxed. "Yeah...we all were. People change everyday, from every experience to the next."

Nick roamed his eyes over Gil's features. "Is this an experience?"

Gil's lips tugged up a little. "Most definitely."

Nick started lightly rubbing over Gil's stomach, being careful of the area that was bandage. He desperately wanted to get rid of the shirt under his hand and rub bare skin, but he was going to be patient.

Nick's hand started rubbing his stomach causing his cotton shirt to tickle over his bare, slightly hairy skin. Gil exhausted at the light friction that kept getting closer to his ribs. When Nick's hand did get to his side it lightly kneaded and stroked the muscles around his ribcage. If he wasn't getting interested before, the tightness in his jeans was telling him different now. He felt his face heat up before he felt his cock harden. Nick was going to make him come in his pants like some inexperienced teenager if he kept that up. From the shaky breath and slight pause in Nick's movements, Nick either felt the same or spotted the bulge in his pants. Either way, he didn't care.

Nick moved closer to Gil but didn't completely touch. If Gil wanted him, he had to make the first move. The last time he took the initiative, Gil had freaked out. And even though Gil was being more relaxed lately, he still might not appreciate the wham-bam approach that Nick was trying to keep control of. If patience was a virtue, Nick wanted to murder the man who said that. Gil would know who said that. "Gil? Who said 'patience is a virtue'?"

Gil was silent for a moment then said, "Some guy named Augustine who was never being caressed by you."

Nick laughed and his strokes faltered as he leaned up on one elbow so Gil could see him. "Augustine wasn't just 'some guy', and I disagree. You're the one who's making patience not a virtue."

Gil stared at him then laughed. "Flattery will get you nowhere," he said before he lifted his head slightly and gave Nick a soft, wanting kiss before he pulled back.

Nick smiled down at Gil. "I've realized that," he said as his hand slide further around Gil and rested it on the small of his back. His other arm rested above Gil so not to fall on top of the older man.

Gil shifted a little to get comfortable with the hand under him.

"You okay, I'm not hurting you am I," Nick quickly asked.

Gil shook his head "no". "I took my medicine before I came up here. I'm feeling great."

Nick's smile was gentle and filled with love and compassion before he lowered his head and placed a soft kiss on Gil's covered stomach. Even through the clothes it ignited a fire in his belly. "Nick..."

Nick glanced up at him with a sly grin on his face. He moved Gil's shirt up before he placed another soft kiss, this time on the exposed, naked skin just above the bandage area. His grin spread wider when he heard the harsh intake of breath.

Gil involuntary closed his eyes against the beautiful yet erotic sight of Nick kiss, licking, and sucking over his stomach. Every touch was intensified with his own desire and love for the younger man who was now unbuttoning his shirt and moving up his body, inch by torturous inch.

Nick would trace his tongue along the newly exposed skin before exploring it with lips and teeth. Once he found a spot the made Gil gasp in pleasure he would torment that area until Gil was squirming before he continued his journey.

Gil was on the verge of exploding both literally and figuratively as Nick's tongue began licking and flicking his hardened nipples. Nick teased them before capturing one with his lips and flicked his tongue over it making him shake and tighten his hold on the blanket. His clutched fist let go of the blanket then wrapped around Nick and hugged him tight as Nick playfully bit his harden nub. He made some yelping noise that was lost in Nick's laughter.

Nick wanted to follow those arms around him down and plaster himself to Gil's body and just rock and ride the waves of pleasure all the way to completion, but he want this to be slow and greedy. He was greedy when it came to Gil. Gil's eyes, fingers, skin, lips, tongue, body, ass, and cock. They were his and he wanted to take them, mold them in his hands and burn them in his thoughts and soul. Gil wasn't the only one who was obsessed with his partner.

Gil's lips were suddenly surrounded by Nick's own. They were firm and filled with want and need. His hands traveled over Nick's solid back and down over his round, fabric covered ass. He squeezed them in his hands as Nick drove his tongue into his mouth. Both men groaned and rocked their hips together causing heat to spread from their cocks over their whole bodies.

Nick's tongue explored Gil's mouth, from his teeth to his tonsils. Gil was breathing hard against his face as he was constantly groping his ass, thighs, and hips. He quivered and bucked against Gil as he felt fingernails lightly scrape across his thighs. Nick decided to move his own hands, one wrapped around Gil's neck and getting tangled in his curly hair as the other started stroking over Gil's sensitive nipples then down his chest hair. He was glad Gil didn't have a smooth, solid body. The contrast between Gil's body and his own was maddening wanting him to savor every touch. He sat up and pulled his shirt over his shoulders. The urge to feel the contrast was greater than just touching and thinking about it.

When Nick's skin meet his own, Gil melted into the sheets and wrapped his arms around the solid, naked back and pulled Nick against him until he was completely covered and could barely breathe. Who needed to breathe when they had a partly naked Nick Stokes on top of them? He then found Nick's lips and began his own exploration of Nick's mouth. Nick's mouth was hot and his tongue rubbing against his own was sensuous. Their tongues tangled in Nick's mouth as they tasted each other. Nothing could be better, more sexy and erotic than two tongues twisting around each other.

Nick tried to put his weight on his knees but Gil wouldn't let him go. His arm snuck around Gil's neck and caressed his head again, and he put his weight on that elbow. He knew he had to be crushing Gil, but it seemed like that was what the other man wanted. Gil wanted to merge them into one and Nick had no problem with that. He wanted to merge them into one too, but using his rock-hard cock and Gil's soft, tight ass. He wanted to feel Gil surrounding him, making him shiver and moaning infidelities into the dark, semi-lit room, and finally he wanted to make Gil scream his name was he came as he emptied himself into his tight hole.

"Fuck, Gil," Nick finally said as he came up for air. "You're wearing me out."

Gil smiled and traced his lips and tongue over Nick's jaw line and up to his ear. "Tempt not a desperate man," he got out in-between gasps as Nick tongued his own neck and ear.

Nick was too busy listening to the whimpers and moans coming from Gil that he didn't feel the hand traveling down his body until it toyed with his the waistband to his boxers before it dipped between his body and boxers. He gasped in surprise as Gil's warm hand palm and stroked his throbbing erection. "Gil," he managed to shake out before Gil's lips reclaimed his mouth.

Gil's other hand unbuttoned Nick's pants and moved them down as far as he could reached with Nick on him fucking his mouth. After Nick's pants were down to his thighs he undid his own pants and pushed up on the bed to get them down. He ached to have Nick in him but he wasn't going to last that long and he doubted there were any condoms or lube around. Plus, he was too sensitive to have it raw right then. Images were already starting to corrupt his mind of the last time he had sex with a man. It wasn't consensual, but it was physical and imprinted in his memory. If Nick moved to fuck him now with nothing to sooth the way then he might freeze up completely. Nick wouldn't want to hurt him, however unintentional. Gil just wanted to feel and see Nick surrender to his own passion and come, hopefully with his own name on his lips.

Nick got the hint quickly and lightly stroked Gil's cock in his hands before they rocked together and simultaneously wrapped their hands around each other. Nick let go off Gil's mouth because he wanted to hear the soft sighs, moans, and whimpers coming from the normally silent man. The raging dark blue eyes staring back at him desperate for need made Nick's breath caught in his throat. He wanted to fulfill that need so he rocked harder and faster against Gil.

Gil was growing fanatically and unnaturally desperate to come to a completion. His own movements were getting shaky and choppy as his body burned with passion and his vision graying from lack of oxygen. Never in his life had he wanted someone as bad as he wanted Nick. Usually he liked to wait things out and watch his lover shiver with release before he gave into his own, but Nick was driving him over the edge faster than any past lover with just the twisting of his hips and the greedy smile that spread over his face before he captured his lips one more time.

Gil felt his stomach and balls tighten at the same time Nick kissed him and he was shouting as he came. Nick's name filling the childhood bedroom and echoing down the empty hall. His vision finally gave out and he didn't get to see Nick freeze on top of him, shaking and granting Gil's name out his tight throat before his strength gave out.

Gil slowly came back to the world and felt a crushing weight on top of him. He blinked his eyes open and stared into dark brown hair. Nick was breathing hard and quivering. His hands lifted heavily from his sides and starting stroking over Nick's back. The quivering haltered and Nick rolled his head and looked at him.

Nick's smile was lazy and filled with contentment and joy. In a second he moved off of Gil and looked panicked. "Shit, I didn't hurt you did I?"

Gil frowned in confusion and shook his head. "Not in a bad way," he said with a grin pulling at the edge of his lips. "If I was in pain, I would have thrown you off me."

Nick chuckled and leaned down to kiss Gil. "Love you."

Gil hummed into the kiss and watched as Nick pulled the blankets out from under them before he covered them both.

Nick sighed as he wrapped his arms around the side of Gil then kissed him again, that time on the cheek, before he closed his eyes. "It's okay. You don't have to say it yet. I know how you feel."

Gil frowned and turned on his side and looked at Nick. Before he figured out what to say, which was from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's quote: "You are my heart, my life, my one and only thought," from his Sherlock Holmes novel 'The White Company', Nick was already asleep.

As Gil laid awake listening and feeling the soft, comfortable breathing of Nick on his neck, a quote from David Copperfield's 'Charles Dickens' came to mind: "There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance."

He wasn't going to regret this, not in a million years.

But...but his memories were still haunting him. Robert and the many years alone weren't something he could just get over. No matter how many times he told himself it was over. It took time for him to change, for things to change. Sometimes he had done some spur-of-the-moment things.

When he left the cabin in search of that damn CD with that song playing over in his head was one of those moments. If something caught his interest, he had to explore it. Then when he was walking toward the cashier he overheard a wife ranting that the engraving on her husband's ring was wrong. It made him stop and listen, and then he spotted the watch and thought how nice it'd look on Nick. So he bought it and had it engraved with a quote that best matched their relationship.

Nick shifted in his sleep and muttered something before he was still again.

Gil sighed and closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around Nick and holding him close. Nick was with him, no matter how implausible it was. That was all that mattered at the moment.

***

He stumbled through his townhouse and tossed his briefcase across the room toward the recliner, it missed and tumbled across the floor before it slid under the coffee table. The bags of groceries nearly fell to the floor but he recovered nicely and made his way to the kitchen and disposed them on the counter before he shuffled back across the floor and shut the door.

His clothes were sticking to him and he sighed. When it rained in Vegas, it poured and usually comes out of nowhere. He was just pulling up to the townhouse when it started coming down and the simple notion of getting from the car to the door before he got drenched was pretty stupid. Vegas rain was relentless and showed no mercy to an old man carrying two full bags of groceries and leather brief case filled with paperwork and case files.

The timer on the coffee maker was set before he went up the stairs, stripping with every fumbled step as he hurried to the bathroom to take a hot shower. He was freezing from the cold air in the townhouse hitting his rain soaked body. The spraying hot water felt amazing on his cold, stressed muscles. Usually he was in and out of the shower in five minutes, but he wanted to savor the feel of the water and soak up the warmth.

Almost fifteen minutes later he toweled off and put on a faded pair of sweat pants and baseball jersey. The smell of the gourmet coffee Greg got him for his birthday filled the house and he quickly poured a cup and took a few cautious sips. He sat the cup down on the coffee table and reached under it to get the briefcase.

The Anderson trial was tomorrow and he needed to be prepared to take the stand. He turned on the laptop and waited patiently for the system to boot up. Once everything was up on it, he clicked off all the things he didn't want to deal with yet: e-mail, AIM, and his iTunes. Today wasn't a day to just sit back and talk to his mom on-line while The Grateful Dead or Mozart filled his ears. It was a day to finish up his evidence presentation and refresh his memory on the case.

After he clinked the PowerPoint link he went to reach for his coffee cup but was interrupted by the phone ringing. It wasn't his cell phone, but the house phone that barely rang at all. The caller ID read 'California Call' and the display monitor had the words 'Ring, Ring' scrolling across it with a light going off and on. There were only a few people that called him on that phone, his mother came to mind. It made him worry and a sinking feeling formed in the pit of his stomach.

"Grissom," his causal voice filled the empty townhouse as he typed it on the display, in case it was his mother.

"Dr. Gil Grissom, this is Dr. Gene Waters from Daniel Freeman Marina Hospital, in Marina--"

"I know where it's at," Gil snapped. If something was wrong he didn't want to hear the normal introductions. "What happened to my mother?" It had to be her, if something happened to his other relatives, his mother would be the one calling.

Dr. Waters paused for a moment before saying, "I'm sorry to inform you that your mother died last night. She had an aneurysm in her sleep..."

Gil didn't hear the rest as his brain stopped processing information. His mom...died. The phone was shaking in his hand. The voice of the doctor cut through the deafening ringing in his ears.

"Dr. Grissom? You with me?"

No, he wasn't. "Uh..." He was going to get sick. He felt it build in his stomach as soon as he heard the phone ring. His mother was dead. Oh, God...



Gil woke up in his bed, alone. His head felt numb and his body hurt like hell. He tried to get up and immediately felt his stomach lurch. The floor swayed under him as he stumbled toward the direction of where he remembered the bathroom to be and made it in time before he threw up. After flushing the toilet, he put his head down on the seat cover. Someone walked up behind him and when he looked up through his half closed eyes Nick was standing in the doorway.

"Are you okay? How do you feel?"

Gil closed his eyes and mentally checked his body over. "I've been better."

Nick was nodding as he helped Gil off the floor. "It's been hours since you took your medicine. Can you stand?"

Gil got to his feet but leaned into Nick. "Yeah, just don't have the walking down."

Nick smiled despite the situation. He made Gil sit on the toilet lid as he got out the bag filled with Gil's medicine and dressing.

Gil raised a brow with the silent question lingering.

Nick caught the look before he kneeled down in front of Gil. "I've been awake for a while."

Gil nodded and took the offered bottle and put it on the sink next to him. He liked watching Nick intently without fear of being caught. Nick's face was nearly perfect except for a few scars indicating his battles through life. There was one on the left side of his face, when he smiled it made it blend into it. It was more adorable than anything.

The scare above his left eyebrow was from where Nigel Crane threw him through a window. He still regretted not taking Nick home from the hospital, but he had to find the sick bastard who'd done it. Through the facts he'd known before, he should had realized that Nigel was stalking Nick. It was obvious now. Why wasn't it obvious then?

Nick had handled himself like a pro that night when he came face-to-face with Nigel. Instead of pleading like the first time, Nick had done what he'd taught him and Nick talked his way through it and wasted time until Jim arrived. Still to this day he thanked Jim for speeding through twenty lights and making it to Nick's house before...Before. He closed his eyes while he stood and turned around to let Nick take care of his back.

This time he had no mirror to look into. Instead he just focused on the feel of Nick's careful movements and the applied creams and dressing. Before he could turn around Nick's arms were wrapping around him and Nick's breath warmed his cold neck causing it to tingle. A deep, heavy sigh was released at the loving embrace and he couldn't help but lean back and melt into it.

Nick was resting his head on Gil's shoulder and looking at him in that loving yet erotic angle. His grip around Gil's waist got tighter a moment before he placed a soft kiss on Gil's neck just above the collarbone.

Gil shivered slightly and a grin tugged at the edge of his lips. "Not to ruin this sweet, wonderful moment, but I'm still in pain."

Nick sighed on Gil's neck. "I know. Just, couldn't help it."

Gil turned to look at Nick who had his head buried into his neck. He kissed Nick's hair and rubbed Nick's arms. The texture of the arms was a complete contrast to Nick's smooth back and chest. The fine hair covered the multiple scars still present from elbow to wrist. Ant bits caused a lot of damage and healed quicker on the face than everywhere else. He stopped and thought about Nick wearing nothing but long sleeved shirts for a great amount of time after he came back to work. There were only a few times when he could remember him wearing short sleeves. "It's okay," he found himself saying before he could stop himself.

Nick lifted his head and stared at Gil with those brown eyes that hid nothing. "What's okay?"

Gil stared into those eyes and smiled as he brought Nick's arms up and kissed them both. "The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw." Nice recovery, he thought. And true.

Nick stared at his arms a moment then looked back at Gil. He swallowed the lump in his throat before he kissed Gil on the mouth. "Time for you to take your medicine."

Gil waited for Nick to step away from him before he filled the glass on the sink with water and took his medication as prescribed. Through all the confusion and unexpected events of the past week he didn't even know where his other pills were. Maybe he didn't need them, yet anyway. Once a migraine started Nick would have them ready for him.

Nick was now the one in charge and had the control. He felt conflicted about that aspect. On one hand, it felt exhilarated to have Nick control what he was doing enough to where it gave him some freedom and time to think everything out. However, it also terrified him because he didn't know if he could get that control back.

Everything now was up to Nick and Nick alone. No, he shook his head, he still had a say in things. Didn't he?

Gil was startled when Nick appeared beside him. Nick just smiled and sat the small bag with his toiletries in it on the counter. He smiled back at Nick as he got out his toothbrush and began his morning routine. A shower sounded great but he would need help making sure his stitches didn't get wet...Nick was still lingering in the bathroom, watching him brush his teeth.

"Shower," Nick suddenly asked.

Gil glanced over his shoulder with his toothbrush still vigorously brushing his teeth. He finished and rinsed his mouth out before turning around and facing the younger man. Nick was staring at him with nothing but concern. He finally nodded.

Nick smiled and got him out a towel. "I know how you like walking around naked, but..."

Gil shot him a glance and started the shower. "I only do that at home when no one else is there, which was all the time."

Nick was chuckling as he took off his own shirt. He caught the surprise look from Gil before he blinked and it was gone. "You need help and I'm just the man to do it."

Gil was grinning even as he shook his head. "Just, don't do anymore than help, I still hurt."

Nick followed him into the shower and closed the sliding door.


8888888888


Nick finished dressing and was walking toward the stairs when he heard a noise coming from his office. He stopped and back tracked. The door was barely open and the sunlight was streaming through the small opening between door and frame. When he peeked through he saw Gil studying something on one of the tables.

Gil heard the door creak open and looked over his shoulder to see Nick smiling at him from the doorway. "This is a workshop, not office."

Nick shrugged. "It's were I work, so therefore it's an office."

Gil studied the room like it was a weird piece of artwork. Because, to him, it was. He barely remembered that Nick built toys, but this was more than a hobby, Nick could work for Santa. "It's Christmas?"

Nick caught the question in that one sentence. "That's what it says on the calendar, so I'm sure it is."

"Is that the reason you were up earlier?"

Gil looked like he wasn't sure of anything anymore. Nick was worried about the turn in their relationship, not for himself, but for Gil who barely rushed making coffee. But they'd been around each other for months now, so maybe it wasn't that big of a turn. He was still getting the notion that Gil was still trying to process everything but coming up short. Gil was either not letting himself get too far or just ignoring everything. "Yeah. I like to watch the kids tear wrapper off of boxes and scream and get mad that they didn't get what they wanted."

Gil huffed out a laugh as his gaze finally stopped studying the room. He was staring at a picture on the wall. "You draw too?"

Nick pushed himself off the doorframe and looked at the picture Gil had cocked his head to. "Black Billed Magpie. I had to go to the panhandle to do that one. They're the largest black and white land birds with a wedge tail, which is twelve inches long."

"Just the tail," Gil asked as he took his glasses out and examined the bird closely. "It's very good."

Nick shrugged. "Not the best, but it helps."

Gil glanced over at Nick and smiled. "Bugs do that for me; helps."

"So does work," Nick grinned over at Gil and wrapped his arm around his waist. "What do you usually do for Christmas?"

Gil straightened from his slightly bent position and shrugged. "Work."

Nick frowned and his eyes softened. "You work on Christmas, why?"

"It was what I did. Crime doesn't stop on Christmas, Nick. No matter how much society wants it to," Gil said with a smile. The smile was weak but he meant the words, and he didn't want Nick to feel sorry for him or anything.

Nick stared hard at him trying to figure something out. "You never visited your mom or anything?" Gil looked suddenly lost for a response, or maybe it was the question that threw him. "Did you at least call her?"

Gil nodded. "I called all the time. She knew that my work came before celebrations."

Nick shook his head in disbelief. "You think Christmas is just a celebration? It's about family."

"Maybe for you," Gil said with that shy shrug and innocent look. "But, for my family, once I was old enough to work, we didn't celebrate Christmas anymore. I worked every Christmas night since I was 16."

Nick blinked and looked amazed at that statement. "I just...couldn't imagine being alone for Christmas for that long. It never bothered you?"

Gil stared at Nick and shook his head. He really was confused by the questioning Nick was giving him. It wasn't like he said he didn't believe in God or something. It was just another holiday that made no sense. He recognized the birth of his savor, even though Jesus wasn't born on December 25th, in a different and more private way. The idea of a holiday that was designed to profit the greedy industries wasn't his idea of a celebration. "No."

Nick studied him for a moment more then nodded. "Okay. Is this okay with my family, because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything?"

Gil smiled at the concern laced in Nick's voice. "I'm fine with sitting back and observing the Stokes family reunion."

Nick finally smiled a genuine open smile and laughed. "Good, 'cause that's what you're getting."

Gil followed Nick out of the room and closed the door behind him. His thoughts from the night before were still present and haunting in his head. Mistakes or regrets of his usually just went away and he didn't give them another thought other than 'don't do it again', but he never did learn from any of them and soon enough he did it again...like smoking. It'd been years since he smoked, but now it was all he could do to not break down and become nothing.

He didn't even know that much about Nick except that he wasn't a liar, and that was what he needed to get through his head and accept because if he didn't then this wasn't going to work. Nick would never stay with someone who kept the notion in the back of their head that he was lying and just using them as a puppet in their twisted game. Come to think about, he didn't even know Nick's birthday. "Hey, Nick?"

Nick stopped before he started down the second set of stairs and faced Gil. "Yeah?"

Gil hesitated, feeling like a fool. But he just needed to get something straight in his head. Some form of truth and certainty about Nick besides the stuff he already knew and believed about the other man. "When's your birthday?"

Nick's smile was slow at coming, but he finally was smiling at Gil as he said, "August 18th."

Gil blinked back and glanced off to the side. Why didn't he know that? "That's only a day after mine." Well, he did sometimes forget his own birthday, so forgetting Nick's shouldn't have been a surprise...But still. He finally nodded and formed a smile of his own. It was weak, but there none-the-less.

Nick wrapped his arm around Gil's shoulder. "The family waits, and so does breakfast."


8888888888


To say Gil was surprised to see all the adults gathered in the family room to exchange their own gifts was an understatement. In all his young experiences associated with Christmas, this wasn't one of them. All the children were off upstairs playing with their gifts or outside. Nick kept giving him a sideways glance and knowing smile about something.

"Okay," Bill said from his recliner, causing the laughter and small talk around the room to calm down.

Gil watched in fascination. His mother never had to tell him to calm down or anything, not just because she was deaf, but because he never did anything to warrant that kind of discipline. Well, except for almost blowing up the house and bringing dead animals to the house.

"It's Nick and Gils' turn."

Those words made Gil freeze. He was still getting used to the idea of Nick's family accepting him without second thought and treating him already like a life-long member of the family. But, also the fact he was being given a gift at all. The last time that happened he was sixteen years old and his mother gave him the keys to her car. Plus, he had nothing to give Nick. He didn't even know what happen to the watch he'd bought. It was probably still at the cabin or in evidence at Salt Lake. Why didn't he ever ask about it?

Gil was about to protest when a Nick sat a box down on his lap. He looked at it in utter confusion.

"Open yours first, then I'll open what you got me," Nick whispered in Gil's ear.

Gil looked up at Nick. Expression full of surprise and guilt, until Nick showed him the box on his lap. It was the box the watch was in. He raised an eyebrow, but didn't wait on an answer. It was obvious what had happened; either the police or a CSI found it, or Nick found it when he packed their stuff after the scene was clear. His fingers slightly trembled as he worked the tape off the sides of the box.

When he opened the lid his breath caught in his throat. He had to swallow the very hard lump out of it just to get out a choked, "Wow."

Nick hadn't just been making toys for his nieces and nephews in his 'office', but the most beautiful butterfly and humming bird picture frame he'd ever seen. It was hand-craven out of wood. The picture in the frame was one he didn't even know was taken. It was of him and Nick at the cabin, the fire roaring in the background and the two of them concentrating on the chess board on the floor. "How...The picture?"

Nick smiled at the surprised yet amazed look on Gil's face. He'd only seen that look when Gil saw an insect at a crime scene. "I sat my camera up behind the couch. There was no one else there to take the picture that I wanted." He leaned closer to Gil and said in his ear. "You're very sexy when you're in deep thought."

Gil laughed and shook his head. "Not as sexy as you." His smile slowly faded as he shook his head. "You didn't have to, Nicky."

Nick rubbed Gil on his back and smiled wide at the older man. "I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to because I love you," he said as he went to open the box on his own lap. He'd already knew what it was, but he was still speechless each time he thought about it and the quote on the back. He really wanted to know where the quote was from, but he had a guess that it was Shakespearean.

Gil was studying him like a child waiting to get praised for getting an A on their test. His wide grin faded just a notch as he realized that Gil hadn't been expecting a gift at all and how lonely he must had felt all these years of not being shown he was loved through a simple, loving action like getting a present for Christmas.

The Rolex was silver with a gold trim. On the face black face was a golden eagle and two black hill gold leaves under. He turned it over and saw the quote: "In form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel."

Nick read the quote out loud and looked up at Gil from the box with a loving, ecstatic grin. His eyes were watering but he didn't care. It was the best gift he'd ever received, besides Gil's curious and caring eyes gazing back at him.

"Isn't that from Hamlet," Jane asked from the couch across from them.

Nick looked over at her then back at Gil who had a weird expression on his face as he blinked over at Nick's sister then glanced back at Nick.

"A tragedy? Isn't that kind of derisory given the theme of the play," Cole said from his chair across the room. "I mean, it's a tragedy, not a romance."

Gil was staring at Cole like he'd just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. He glanced down at the watch Nick still had turned over and read the quote over again. It did fit Nick and what he felt toward him. It didn't matter that the quote was from Hamlet or not, did it?

Nick shot Cole a displeased look before he looked at Gil who was growing more and more something from the red rising up his neck. Shit. "Gil?"

Gil stood and left the room without turning back.

"Gil! Shit, Cole!" Nick turned and faced his brother. "What's the matter with you?"

Cole looked offended at the anger toward him. "Easy, I was just making an observation. I didn't mean to embarrass the guy."

Nick crossed his arms to keep from doing something rash. "Embarrass him? What, you think criticizing a heartfelt quote on the most amazing gift I've ever received wouldn't hurt his feelings? You don't know Gil. This is probably the first present he got anyone since Catherine's daughter turned six. And it doesn't matter where the quote came from but the meaning for it."

Cole sat back looking sheepish. "Sorry, I didn't think."

"Obviously, you didn't." Nick turned around and left the room looking for Gil. The door to the basement was ajar. He took the steps down into the basement and saw Gil pacing the floor. The basement wasn't really a basement but another "intimate" family room. There was a fire place against one wall with a single couch in front of it. A bar occupied one wall with stools in front of it and a stereo system was against the other.

Gil was tapping out a cigarette and lighting it up. He stopped in his steps as he saw Nick standing at the bottom of the stairs. "It wasn't a Christmas present."

Nick frowned as he made his way over to Gil. "It wasn't?"

Gil shook his head. "I didn't even remember it was almost Christmas when I bought it. It..." he trailed off in a deep sigh and sat down at the bar with his head in his hands.

Nick sat down next to him. "I love it. The quote, Gil, I'm still speechless about it. It's prefect."

Gil rubbed his face in his hands before taking a puff off the cigarette.

Nick wanted to snatch it from Gil but decided not too. Gil was still embarrass or angry or...something.

Gil rested his head in his left hand so he could look at Nick. "It was supposed to be special and I was going to give it to you in a quiet, personal setting like the cabin. Not in the family room at your parents' house with everyone watching."

Nick grinned. "It doesn't change the fact that it took my breath away."

Gil stared at him and shook his head. "And here I was trying to be romantic."

Nick chuckled and leaned closer to Gil. "Romance isn't everything."

Gil searched Nick's eyes and sighed to himself. Nick was being honest. He smiled. "Thank God, because I really, really suck at it."

Nick chuckled and took a hold of Gil's hand and squeezed it. "It's okay, just...picking up your clothes would be romantic to me."

Gil finally gave Nick a real genuine smile. "Yeah, that and not wearing a towel."

Nick laughed then and kissed Gil on the temple. "That too." He looked around the room and spotted the stereo system. "Why'd you get the CD?"

Gil glanced at the stereo system then looked back at Nick. "I heard a song on the radio. It was good, made me think of some things: what I was doing and what you'd said. It...I guess you can say it hit home. So, I went to the store to buy it because I couldn't get it out of my head." He caught a look from Nick and said, "I told you I like good music, doesn't matter what era it's from."

Nick blinked and shook his head. "That wasn't what I was thinking. It's just...I've never heard you ramble before except about bugs."

Gil chuckled and shrugged. "In college, me and a friend of my ex-girlfriends', Rob, debated whether or not The Doors were better than The Who. After two hours we concluded that even though Jim Morrison was the better lyricist, the musical genius of Peter Townshend, Keith Moon, Roger Daltrey and John Entwistle was unmistakably better. So," he shrugged. "Essentially I won."

Nick just shook his head. "The Who, and that was only a two second decision. Why did it take two hours?"

Gil smiled. "We were drunk, and he just would not let up until all the beer was gone."

Nick was laughing as he stepped down from the stool and went over to the CD player. He took the bag off of the stereo and got the CD out. It was already unwrapped so he didn't have to bother with the war of getting it out. He hit play and turned it to track 10. "This is one of my favorites off the album. I've seen Coldplay twice. Once in 2003, and then again last year."

The music stared and the first lyric made Gil frown. Nick was standing next to him and offered his hand to him. He stared up at Nick. "It's too fast."

Nick just smiled down at him. "We can still dance slowly to it. For my official Christmas present, I want a dance that isn't alcohol induced."

Gil took one last drag off the cigarette and put it out in the ashtray on the bar before he slowly got off the stool. "Okay, but if I step on your toes it's your fault."

"Hmm-hum, just like me stepping on yours," Nick said was a grin. He couldn't get over the fact that Gil felt perfect in his arms, swaying slightly to the music. Gil had his head resting on his shoulder and his arms around his waist. Before Gil put his head down, it looked like he was debating something, but he didn't know if he was still embarrassed or not. So, he didn't push, like always.

Gil sighed heavily on Nick's shoulder, listening to the music and feeling the way Nick took control of the dancing and guided him in slow circles around the floor. Everything was starting to catch up with him and he didn't want Nick to see the tears welling in his eyes. His throat felt hard and restricted and he tried to breathe and swallow to get it to go away, but it didn't. His throat kept knotting up and he didn't know what the problem was.

There were too many problems running through his head, but he couldn't pin-point the exact one that was causing this. Maybe, maybe it was all of them.

Nick was holding his body close to his own and softly singing the words to the song. His hands would rub down and over his shoulder blades before settling back on his neck, softly caressing that too. Fingers tangled in his hair, rubbing along his scalp making him shiver at the touch. He was supposed to let go and just sway with Nick along to the music, not breakdown.

Not think about almost dying, not think about the terrified look on Nick's face when he was chasing after his car at the hotel, not think about Robert in that cabin or his townhouse, not think about his mom dying, not think of Robert when Nick says 'I love you', and not...feeling tears wet Nick's shoulder.

Nick's arms around him tightened when he started shivering. He wanted to apologize, telling Nick he was fine. The knot in his throat was so tight he couldn't even swallow. Fingers and palms soothed his upper back, shoulder blades, and shoulders.

"Don't be afraid of this, Gil. Let it go," Nick whispered in Gil's ear. "I'm still here and always will be."

Gil choked on a sob, finally getting the knot free, but the tears were coming. His arms wrapped tighter around Nick's waist and his knees were wanting to buckle. Everything felt gone, he didn't have anything left except...except for Nick and his loving words in his ear and warm body against him.

His cry of total surrender to the pain and confusion he was feeling inside was silent, but just as disturbing. The last time he'd cried like this was...never. He always had to be the one in control, always the robot who couldn't feel, always the reasonable one. Everyone who knew him would fall apart themselves if they knew how deeply human he really was and how much it hurt for him just to feel. Being human was a curse to him because he couldn't understand it.

Through the roar in his ears and the fogginess that was his mind just then, he'd realized he was sitting on floor with Nick holding onto him for dear life. Or was it him holding onto Nick for dear life? His legs finally gave out.

The arms around him were still soothing as his body trembled under Nick's intoxicating fingertips. That was Nick; he fascinated him more than anyone he'd ever met. Nick was exciting, invigorating, and very stimulating. Nick asked for nothing in return except for him. No romantic dinners, no vow of love, no tedious dating ritual. Nick just wanted him and only him.

If he needed to get out of his own head for a day, night, or week then Nick would be there making sure he didn't think too much with a just a simple look and graceful touch. Nick was his safe haven, sanctuary, and asylum because they both had to be crazy.

"Its okay, Gil. No need to feel angry at this, or think this was bad. You need to let it out, going to be okay. Just let it out."

He heard those words from Nick and wondered how he knew he was getting angry about the fact he was breaking right there in the basement of the Stokes' family ranch. It was probably because he was shaking so bad he couldn't even stand.

"Don't," Nick said in his ear.

Gil felt hands on his hips holding him down. He didn't want to be shaking on the floor; he wanted to leave. To get away and get his head straight, but Nick wasn't letting him get up; Nick wasn't letting him run away. Nick was trying to keep him there, trying to control him, and make him something he wasn't. Nick made him the obsessed one in the relationship.

"Gil," Nick's voice was strong and steady in his ear. "Calm down. I'm not here to hurt you. You can't even stand because you're shaking too hard. Just, relax and breathe."

Nick was trying to calm him down in his thick Texas accent. The pounding of his heart echoed through his ears causing his head to start aching. It could be an migraine, or a panic attack. It wasn't love, was it, because he couldn't understand that? What was loving someone really like? Was it punching the person you claimed to love and have them fear you, or was it lying to them and telling them that you were okay when inside you were dying one piece at a time. He was so fucked up he didn't know how he lasted all these years seeming undisturbed and unfeeling when that was the complete opposite.

God, he didn't want to think. Not when it was Christmas and Nick just wanted a dance, wanted to be validated that he mattered to the quivering man he was holding onto. Wasn't that what everyone wanted? Validation. Even him, he hadn't known how much he needed to be needed until Nick needed him. Just him, the sorry and pathetic excuse of a man he was. Nick just needed to know that he was appreciated.

Gil turned his head on Nick's shoulder and studied his neck. Light stubble covered the upper neck and jaw line where Nick hadn't shaved yet. If Nick kept that up, he'd look like him in a few weeks. He liked the clean shaven look better, but either way Nick was the sexist man he knew. Before he talked himself out of if he kissed Nick's neck just under the jaw.

Nick was caught by surprise but still moaned at the sensation. The neck was one of the most sensitive areas on the body, and that felt amazing. He turned his head slightly and gazed down as he watched Gil kiss along his neck, stopping only to lick and bite when he shivered.

Gil savored the salty taste of Nick's skin on his lips and tongue as he traced kisses and his tongue down to the spot where neck met collarbone. He didn't want to leave a hickey on Nick's neck, but he tasted so good he didn't know if he could stop. When Nick gasped, he knew he found a very sensitive spot. His tongue darted out of his mouth and tongued the area causing Nick to shift on the floor and his arms wrapped tighter. The hardening on his hip wasn't difficult to miss as Nick shifted and slowly rocked into him. His own pants was getting tighter as he let his hands roam Nick's back, hips, thighs, chest, and arms.

Nick was an Greek god in his eyes, his very own Adonis, Antony, Romeo, but alive and thriving for him. Nick was getting pleasure from him because he wanted it, needed it. Nick wasn't just sleeping with him to get an A on there Chemistry test, to get revenge at an ex, or for a his own psychotic needs. Nick loved him, for whatever reason, he truly did. So why was it so hard to fully accept that?

Gil raised his head and kissed Nick deep and as passionately as he could. He needed Nick too; and deep down in a place he thought he'd buried in the abyss he knew he loved Nick more than anyone. It was a love that was more than his heart and soul could ever express. It was a love that frightened him to his very core and kept him at a distance even though he wanted to be inside Nick, and for Nick to be inside him, to wreck him while he saved him at the same time.

He tried desperately in that kiss to tell Nick everything he was feeling but he knew he was probably failing miserable. It didn't matter anyway because Nick was kissing him back with the same amount of force and deep longing that he was giving. Hands lifted him at the hips and Nick shifted again and when Gil drew back and sucked in a breath he'd realized that he was straddling Nick.

Nick was attacking his neck now and he moaned into the teasing, licking and biting. The smell of Nick was an addiction and the best kind. That smell was familiar and comfortable. It was just as intoxicating as the caresses, stares, smile, and kisses. Oh, god, Nick's tongue was talented and still so wet against his hot, flushed skin and he didn't care if he'd get a hickey. He didn't want it to end.

If God wasn't cruel, then that sound wasn't someone clearing their throat. Gil looked over just Nick raised his head. Cole and Bill were standing at the bottom of the stairs looking at them. Cole was blushing but looking just as serious as Bill was who had no amount of blush or indication that he had just walked in on his youngest son making out with a fifteen years older than him. This wasn't a good sign.

"Glad to see you two making up, but the game is about to start and no one will play unless everyone is there," Bill spoke up first.

To Gil, it looked like Cole couldn't even get his voice to work. Nick was still rubbing his back, making a groove from his neck to the small of his back. Fingers dipped lower and under his waistband and he had to fight back the moan at the movement. He looked at Nick who was focusing on his family but didn't have the shy, embarrassed blush that six years ago would had taken over Nick's whole body.

Instead, Nick just nodded. "Okay. We'll be done here in a moment. They Chris to get his team ready and we'll be out as soon as possible."

Bill and Cole both exchanged looks then nodded and hurried up the steps and shut the door behind them.

Gil buried his head against Nick's neck and sighed. "God hates me."

Nick chuckled. "No, God doesn't hate you. The locksmith does for not putting a lock on that door."

Gil looked up at Nick and frowned. "How do you do it? Not get embarrassed like you used to."

Nick was smiling and just shrugged. "Got older and decided that I wasn't going to take any shit from people again. I know who I am."

Gil smiled and kissed Nick again on the lips. "I love that part of you. The...confident side."

Nick kissed Gil back harder and deeper. His tongue traced over Gil's teeth and tongue. When he pulled back he nipped Gil's bottom lip then smiled. "Do you know what you just said?"

Gil thought back and shook his head. Nothing that wasn't ground breaking, he didn't think anyway.

Nick smiled and cupped Gil's face. "You said, 'I love that part of you'."

Gil blinked and thought back. He did say that. Maybe it was ground breaking for them, him. "I didn't realize..."

Nick gave him a quick kiss and slowly pulled back while saying, "Don't analysis this, please. It was said and I know you meant it. I...I appreciate it."

Gil studied Nick then finally nodded. He was just trying to validate his feelings and show Nick that he was appreciated. Did that mean he succeeded?

Nick was studying the carpet and breathing deeply, face full of concentration. Gil briefly wondered what he was doing until he felt the erection slowly fade from pressing against his stomach. Gil took the clue and closed his eyes and went through the worst crime scene he could imagine. His eyes sprung open and he stared at Nick. That was a bad idea because Nick was the victim, but it did the job. He quickly kissed Nick before standing up.

As they made their way up the steps, Nick wrapped his arm around his waist and whispered, "I love you," in Gil's ear before they entered the hallway where the 'teams' were gathered.

Nick gave the teams all high-fives. "Okay, ready to see who rules!"

"Yeah," everyone yelled.

"Guys, ready to tie the series 2-2!"

"Yeah," the boys yelled.

"Girls ready to kick the boys butt again this year!"

"Absolutely," the girls all yelled.

Chris, Nick's nephew, who was the only seventeen year old, and coach of both teams recited the famous quote from Vince Lombardi, "The difference between a successful person and others is not the lack of strength, not the lack of knowledge, but rather in the--"

"Lack of will," everyone yelled at once before they exited the house through the kitchen and out into the ten acre backyard.

Gil looked at Nick as they followed them out the door. "How long has that saying been said around the Stokes' household?"

Nick grinned as he held the door open for Gil. "Uh, since I was their age."

Gil shook his head as he made his way to the tables on the lawn housing the family and coolers of drinks. A pool was off to the right about twenty yards from where the tables were. Bill was starting up the grill and Cole was explaining the rules to the game. He sat down at one of the tables and Nick sat next to him.

For the next hour, he focused on the laughing parents and smiling faces of the kids running around the 'field', some in the opposite direction of their opponent's goal when they had the ball. The girls won again and the celebration was one that would out the Super Bowl to shame.

Four hours later everyone was still telling stories and laughing at every funny statement or confused look from himself. Nick had been touching him almost the whole time, rubbing his back or arm, and kissing his neck in-between plays or stories. Every now-and-then Nick would laugh at him when he spotted a butterfly or insect and had to explain to the whole family what it was and why it was in the yard.

Jillian called out to them a quarter to six to get in the house it was time to get the Christmas turkey cooked. Gil stood and swallowed the last of his beer and threw it into the recycle bin on the back patio. Nick was right behind him as he entered the house.

8888888888


After dinner, Gil was exhausted. It was the first Christmas dinner he had in years, and the first time he had a deep-fried turkey. That was an interesting experience, especially since Cole almost caught the porch on fire from the overflow of grease. The look on Jillian's face when she walked out to see what the commotion was all about was priceless.

He shuffled into the top floor bedroom and stripped off his shirt and threw it toward the direction of his bag. He placed the cigarette pack, lighter, and his wallet down on the bedside table before he sat down on the bed and worked his shoes and socks off.

A wide, long yawn escaped his mouth and he lay back on the bed without taking his pants off. He was too tired to even finish undressing. It'd been a long time since he was that exhausted and fatigued.

The door crept open and Gil watched as Nick walked in and smiled. Nick had just taken a shower and the towel was hanging loosely around his waist, water still covered his body. "You didn't towel off well."

Nick just smiled as he lay down beside Gil. "It's hot up here. I turned the water as cold as I could stand and just stood under it for a few minutes to cool down." He glanced over at Gil and rolled onto his side to face the older man. Gil's eyes were drooping close. "I'm proud of you."

Gil opened his eyes and looked over at Nick and raised a brow. He was too tired to try to figure that one out.

Nick smiled and rubbed Gil's arm. "You look better than before, and you ate two meals tonight."

"Dessert counts as a meal?"

Nick smiled wider. "It does in my book. Did you take your medication?"

Gil stared hard at Nick and nodded. He really didn't like Nick treating him like he couldn't do anything. Ever since Nick arrived in California he'd been acting like he wasn't a fifty year old man who knew how to do things. He stood and picked up his bag and placed it on the bed. Nick was watching him as he searched for a shirt to wear and maybe sweatpants.

"You okay," Nick asked as he stretched out on the bed.

Gil glared at Nick for a moment before he pulled out what he was looking for. The t-shirt was one he brought from Vegas with the word 'Forensics' on the front. It caught for a second as he pulled it over his head and then he went to remove his pants.

"You want me to leave the pill bottles on the side table so in the morning..." Nick trailed off as Gil threw his bag across the room and against the wall.

"Why do you do that," Gil asked as he stared down at Nick. He was getting sick and tired of being treated like a kid. "Huh? You think I can't take care of myself?"

Nick sat up on the bed and stared in disbelief at Gil. "What? I don't think that."

"Then why do you question me on everything? You tell me when and what to eat and drink, where and when I sleep, and when to take my medication. I've lived for the past twenty years on my own doing what I wanted when I wanted, and now you're treating me like a kid who can't tie his own shoes." Gil's eyes bore into Nick, making the younger man stand up and walk around the room. "And on top of all this shit you're giving me, you're trying to pressure me to have sex with you."

"I don't pressure you to do anything, Gil," Nick yelled back.

"What do you call that down in the basement? I wasn't the one who sat on your lap. And how far would you have gone last night if I didn't take control," Gil throw back at Nick.

Nick shook his head. "You're not throwing this back at me. I'm not at fault here. Last night I had to force myself to not jump up the minute you laid down on the bed. I waited until you made the first move." Nick searched for clothes in the dark room because if he and Gil were going to argue then he needed to be wearing something other than a towel. He spotted a pair of jeans was picking them up when he said, "I also don't treat you like a kid. And if I do then it's for a very good reason."

Gil blinked at Nick. "You have a reason to control me."

Nick threw the towel down on the floor before he zipped his pants up. "I don't control you! I'm trying to help you get your head straight."

"So it's my fault. I should have realized I was being drugged." Gil spat out. He wasn't going to budge because he was right. Nick was trying to control him, just like...He shook his head. Nick wasn't Robert, he wasn't.

Nick shot Gil a hard look. "That's not what I'm saying. Why don't you just listen to me for once instead of putting words in my mouth or is that too much to ask from you?"

"Fine," Gil said as he crossed his arms. "I'm listening."

"Gil," Nick sighed and put his hands on his hips. "I don't treat you anymore differently than I'd treat someone going through a life crisis and needed a stable person to keep them from..." Gil was staring hard at him with a look that told Nick if he continued he wouldn't like the outcome. But Gil needed to hear the blunt, honest truth. "You are acting like a child, Gil. You've lied to me before and I need to be able to trust you completely before I hand over that trust and control you've given me. I asked you if you took your medicine because you forget or you take too many."

Gil's brow wrinkled in thought and confusion. "You watch me to make sure I don't overdose? Is that it? Nick, I'm not going to kill myself."

Nick frowned. "It's not like you haven't tried before."

"That was an accident. I wasn't thinking clearly," Gil said between his tightly, clenched jaw. "I'm not..." he searched for the right word but couldn't think of what he was going to say. Nick was looking at him with a disappointed frown and glare. He swallowed hard as he realized that he couldn't protest against that notion because it was true.

Nick finally blinked and looked at the floor. "Gil, you haven't been thinking clearly for some time now." He raised his head and wanted to flinch back at the hard, lethal stare Gil was shooting him, but he didn't budge. "Just because you say you're fine and you made a lot of progress doesn't mean you are fine. If, if you want me to stop treating you differently then you need to prove to me you're the responsible, reasonable man you used to be."

Gil stepped closer to Nick with his arms still folded. Another thought crossed his mind as he listened to Nick. Nick lied to him when he said that he didn't think that he couldn't take care of himself. "You don't think I can't take care of myself because you think I'm an irresponsible, unreasonable, and pathetic man? Is that what you're saying I am? 'Cause if it is then this is over."

Nick blinked back and shook his head in disbelief. "I didn't say that."

"Yes, you did. Not directly, but you implied it," Gil snapped at Nick.

Nick stared at Gil for a moment. Gil was angry and confused to the point he didn't know how to handle it. He'd quickly realized that when Gil was conflicted and didn't know how to deal with it properly then he lashed out. Just like Robert did to him. A sinking feeling filled his stomach as he realized that for years Gil probably thought that obsessing over someone was the right way to love someone.

Gil needed to let go of all the anger, pain, guilt, frustration, and confusion he'd experienced for the last three months and this was the only way he knew how, to hurt the only person he loved. Gil needed to be pushed, and all this time he was avoiding doing that. "Fine, you're right, Gil. You are pathetic, unreasonable, irresponsible, and the most worthless person I know."

Nick saw the flare of anger before he registered Gil coming toward him. Gil pushed him hard into the wall and held him there with all his strength. The anger in Gil's eyes bore into him but he knew that the anger wasn't for him, but Gil himself. Gil felt like he needed to hate himself for letting himself love again, and that was why Gil suddenly blinked back and moved away in utter disgust and pity.

Nick was breathing hard trying not to do anything to Gil. This was what Gil needed in a weird, twisted way. His arm darted out to grab Gil before he got further away. "Come here."

Gil pulled back sharply trying to break the strong hold on his wrist. "Let go."

Nick shook his head and pulled Gil toward him. Once Gil was in arms reach he pushed himself off the wall and wrapped his other arm around Gil. "You don't need to hate yourself, Gil."

Gil pushed back against Nick. "Let me go!"

Nick held on tight as Gil beat his chest with his remaining energy. Somehow he lost his grip on Gil and he'd turned around, but his arms wrapped back around the older man, this time around his waist which trapped his arms. Gil twisted and struggled in his hold, but he held Gil's body tight against his own until Gil finally stopped struggling.

They were both panting and sweating by that time. Nick breathed hard on his shoulder as Gil leaned back and caught his breath. He was losing it. The anger he'd stuffed away in the abyss was grading hold and it wouldn't let go. It was his fault, all his fault because he couldn't understand it enough to control it; because he loved Nick.

"It wasn't your fault, don't hate yourself because...because you couldn't prevent what happened," Nick whispered in Gil's ear.

Gil hadn't known he was talking out load but he didn't care. Nick was lying to him because it was his fault. He slightly shook his head. "I could have prevented it if I hadn't failed him."

"You're not a failure, Gil. Just look at us at the crime lab. You did the best you could. Robert failed himself."

"I wasn't there for him. I knew something was wrong and instead of trying to fix it I gave into it and when I had my chance, I ran." Gil breathed out hard and started to struggle again, but only slightly.

Nick started walking them to the bed as he spoke. "Running saved your life, Gil. You did nothing wrong."

"I gave up. Wasn't that wrong," Gil asked as he was lowered to the bed. "Top of my class, straight A's in psychology, and I couldn't get myself to try to help the man I was supposed to have loved. We were together for years and I was oblivious to his problems because I couldn't think about what I was supposed to do to prove to him that I cared. I was being just like him."

Nick turned Gil around on the bed and stared down at Gil. "You're not him. And I will tell you that until you get it through your head that it's the truth."

"Five relationships, Nicky. Five relationships that went nowhere. I failed them all because I'm the screw up."

The sincerity in the way Gil said that made Nick's heart ache. "Stop saying that. The reasons those failed were because," he stopped talking before he said, "Hell, Gil, I don't know why they didn't work except that they really didn't love you. They weren't right for you."

Gil stared up at him. "You think you're right for me?"

"I'm a better choice than they were. There's nothing you could do that'd make me walk out that door," Nick said with as much honesty and certainty as he could.

Gil frowned at Nick. "That's what I'm afraid of." He rolled away from Nick to the other side of the bed and got up.

Nick watched as Gil hurried out the door. He followed only to the top of the steps and watched Gil disappear on the second floor. That was either the biggest mistake, or the most intelligent, he didn't know which. As he entered the room he spotted Gil's pack of cigarettes on the side table with his wallet. He studied the pack as he picked it up. The door shut behind him as he left the room.

Gil made his way down to the first floor and out the back door. The humid Texas air hit him and he shivered. He breathed in the fresh air as his hands searched for his pack of cigarettes. Of course they weren't on him; he took them out thinking he was going to changed clothes.

The grass was wet and cold under his feet as he shuffled over it to sit on the tables still out in the yard. Ashley, Rose's eleven year old left her radio on the table. He smiled when he turned it on a rock station and Guns N' Roses' 'November Rain' poured from the speakers. That was the only song he liked from that band. The light from the pool could be seen twenty yards away, the spa was up near the house. A swim actually sounded relaxing.

The water in the pool was warm on his test foot. He looked around and made sure no one else was outside. All he had on under his pants were boxers and they weren't reliable swimming trunks. He slowly unbuckled his pants and slid them down and stepped out of them.

"Guns N' Roses, love this song."

Gil jumped and almost fell into the pool at the sound of Nick's voice. He turned and Nick was staring at him with a warm smile. "Yeah, me too. What are you doing out here?"

Nick held up the pack of cigarettes.

Gil stared at it then glanced at the pool then back at Nick. "Swim?"

Nick smiled and tossed the pack on a lounge chair then quickly toed off his shoes and pulled his shirt over his head. "This is better than the last time you saw me swim. No crime scene, mocking coming from Warrick, and you're going in with me."

Gil grinned as he tossed his pants onto the same lounge chair. "But you shirtless and dripping with water was too good to pass up."

"I knew I caught you staring," Nick laughed. Once Gil had his back to him and was observing the water he made a starting run and plowed into Gil, sending them both flying into the water.

Gil came up for air choking on the water. "What'd you do that for?"

"I had to get back at you for storming out. Plus, it was fun," Nick said with a sly grin. "I enjoy tackling you."

Gil stared back at him but he was smiling. "Hmm, now I know how to get you going. Offer you a tackle instead of a blowjob."

Nick laughed. "Or both. I'll take both."

Gil laughed as he wrapped his arms around Nick, closing the distance between the two of them in the water. His feet could touch which was great because he didn't want to drown while he focused on making Nick moan in pleasure. "We got the tackling part down."

"Yeah, so, we just have to practice the other part of that equation." Nick circled Gil and swam back until he hit the side of the pool. "Think we could do that? It's up to you."

Gil acted like he was seriously pawning over the question. "Sorry, don't put out on the first swim."

Nick laughed as he pulled Gil closer. "Damn it, I had my heart set on taking advantage of you."

Gil laughed before he closed his mouth over Nick's. The kisses started off light and quick before they got deeper and longer. Nick's tongue engulfed his mouth leaving him groaning and pressing harder into Nick. He had to dig his heels into the bottom of the pool and grab hold of the edge so not to float away. That weird thought made him smile into the kiss.

Nick pulled back when they both needed air then attacked his neck. Gil bit his bottom lip to keep from moaning too loud when Nick found a sensitive spot. His boxers weren't good at hiding his growing erection, and neither was Nick's.

He grabbed hold of Nick's testicles and rolled them in his hand then up the underside of Nick's shaft. Nick gasped and the look of pure pleasure that filled his features made Gil harder. The water seemed to make the sensation duller as he let go of Nick's balls to slide his own cock against Nicks'. He didn't want that, he wanted to lose himself in Nick. Taste him in his mouth as he came and he couldn't do that submerged in water. "Get up, on the edge."

Nick complied and lifted himself up onto the edge of the pool.

Gil moved the extra foot and placed himself in front of Nick's wet, throbbing cock. Gil didn't waste anytime before he engulfed its head

Nick's breath caught in his throat. "...fuck..."

Gil glanced up at him and smiled before he worked his mouth down the hard shaft. He could taste the pre-cum already and it tingled in his mouth. Nick's crotch smelled better than his whole body did. The musky aroma of male always made him harder than the sweet scent of female. There was something primal about it that always brought him to his knees, so to speak.

Nick had wrapped his hands in his hair and rubbed his scalp while moaning and hissing profanities and incoherent phrases. His own cock was reacting to the sounds of mouth slurping and sucking, and Nick's mumbling and breathing getting faster. He bucked as he encircled his own cock and hummed around Nicks' as he sucked hard from base to tip.

As his slow, torturous fellatio of Nick's cock became faster as he stroked his own hard, painful cock. His tongue curves around the member and licks the side as he sucks in, hallowing his cheeks then it flicks over the head tasting cum in its wake. He tongues the head and works his mouth back and forth over it making Nick squirm and hands tighten in his hair.

Nick's breathing in pants and his cock stiffened a little more in his mouth; he swallowed hard and hummed the whole way down feeling Nick about ready to shout his seed in his mouth. At the head of Nick's cock touches the back of his throat he feels Nick stiffen and a strangled scream filled his ears as warm, salty-bitter semen hit his palate. He swallowed hard.

The painfully yet orgasmic feeling of his balls tightening and crawling in his scrotum sent him over the edge. His scream was muffled in Nick's thigh as he froze then violently jerked, rocking his hand-covered cock against Nick's leg.

He was panting and swallowing down the still bitter taste in his mouth when Nick pushed him back slightly. Nick was sinking back down in the water and once in he wrapped his arms around Nick's waist as Nick wrapped his arms around his neck.

They held each other comfortably and knowingly as they both relaxed into the warm water. It felt like to Gil that all his love and admiration for Nick had seeped into the other man as they molded their bodies together. Maybe that was love. His eyes sprung open at a thought. "My stitches."

Nick froze then moved into action. "Out, out, I need to check 'em."

Gil carefully got out of the water, Nick helping him. Once out, Nick looked him over then sighed in relief.

"Nothing busted. How do you feel?"

Gil smiled at him then kissed him. "Tired."

Nick chuckled at him then bundled their clothes together. Gil followed him to the house and into the laundry room where they disposed the clothes and stripped from their wet boxers.

Gil took the offered towel and wrapped himself in it as he shook.

Nick did the same as leaned in and kissed Gil on the lips. "Still love you."

Gil smiled into the next kiss and shared the taste of Nick with Nick. After they parted, Nick took a hold of his hand and led him up the stairs and to bed.

***

Their last day in Texas went off with a hitch. First, the truck wouldn't start and when Nick and Cole tried to fix it, more oil leaked than before they started. Gil had to bite his lip to keep from laughing, especially when he went over, tightened the cord to the battery and told Nick to turn the key. When it roared to life he finally let himself laugh at the stares he got from Nick and his brother.

"I tried telling you before that the battery wasn't getting connection," Gil simply said as he closed the hood.

"But the cylinder was disconnected," Cole shot back in anger.

Gil just shook his head. "Yeah, after you messed with it."

Cole blushed and stared at Nick. "Tell your boyfriend that he's being a prick."

"Gil, you're being you. Cole, you're the prick," Nick said from the safety of the truck.

Nick locked the doors when Cole lunged for the door.

"Nick, you got something to say, say it out here," Cole yelled through the door.

It was loud, but Gil heard the teasing in the voice. Brothers, he thought as he shook his head. Nick was just laughing in the driver's seat and sticking his tongue out at his brother.

"That's it, I'm getting mom."

Nick stopped laughing and unlocked the door and got out, slamming the door behind him. "You don't have to make threats," he said a second before he shoved Cole then took off for the house. Cole was right behind him running fast for a man Gil's own age.

Gil watched the exchange and sighed in content that it wasn't him hurrying for the door in laughter and then screaming out when Cole caught up to him and playfully wrestled him to the ground.

"I give," Nick finally got out between laughter. "Uncle, uncle."

Gil walked up to them and stared down at the two laughing, grown men acting like children. "If you two can't play nice, then I'm going home."

Nick looked up at the sarcastic remark. "You can't leave without me."

"Wanna bet?" Gil slyly grinned down at the younger man.

Nick and Cole both exchanged looks before Nick yelled, "Get him."

Gil's grin faded as he took off for the porch. Unlike them, he got in the door first, but he tumbled in just as Nick slammed into him, Cole was right behind him. He was lucky that he didn't fall over but instead just stumbled into the foyer wall.

Jillian yelled from the kitchen. "No rough play in the house."

"Yeah," Gil said as he pushed himself off the wall. "No rough play in the house."

Nick didn't let go of Gil's waist until he leaned in for a quick kiss. "After dinner, we're off to Vegas."

Gil kissed him back and smiled. "About time, I'm getting high cholesterol from all the fried food."

Cole laughed from the hallway. "Get used to it. Nick likes to cook."

Gil grinned at Nick. "At least I know I won't be doing all the cooking in the house."

Nick playfully punched him on the shoulder. "I clean too."

Gil huffed out a laugh and followed them into the kitchen. "I'll believe that when I see it."

The second hitch was Gil losing his glasses. He searched for them everywhere when he packed but couldn't find them. The remaining family, which only consisted of Nick, Bill and Jillian, and Cole, helped in the search but came up empty.

"When was the last time you remember having them," Nick asked for the umpteenth time.

Gil gave him a hard look. "I already told you, before I changed last night."

Nick nodded. "And they were in your pocket, right," Nick asked again.

Gil just nodded. This whole thing was growing tedious and frustrating. He had them in his jeans pocket because his shirt didn't have a breast pocket. They weren't on the bedside table where he put his wallet and cigarettes...

He turned and hurried to the kitchen and out the backdoor with everyone turning on their heels and following him.

Nick shook his head when Gil stopped at the side of the pool and looked over it. "The pool."

"When were you in the pool," Cole asked.

Nick looked at him with a slight blush rising from his neck. "Last night we, um..." His parents looked at him confused then suddenly realizing the answer they both looked away, reddening in the cheeks.

"Okay," Bill said. "We can...use the, uh, thing to get it out."

Nick chuckled at the lost of thought and words from the Supreme Court Judge. It wasn't every day that that man was embarrassed enough to having nothing to say. "I'll just jump in and get them, if they're in there."

"Look," Gil said as he pointed. His glasses were stuck in the water trap. He sighed and shook his head. "'I spent my whole life trying not to be careless.'"

"'Women and children can be careless. But not men,'" Cole finished the quote.

Nick glanced over at Cole then turned back to Gil with a smile. "Okay, Don Corleone, you going to get 'em or not?"

Gil chuckled at Nick then walked around the pool, got down on his knees, and reached into the water. After a few second he pulled the glasses out and smiled. "The business we chose."

Finally, Gil loaded his bag in Nick's truck two hours after they had planned to leave. It was now nine in the evening, so most of the driving they did would be that night and maybe they'd rest in the morning before they finished the drive. Gil sighed; at least there'd be less traffic until they hit the morning rush. Nick was saying his goodbyes to his family and accepting the food from his mom and packing them in the cooler.

"Okay, it's full so no more food," Nick said as he closed the lid and stored it in the back seat of the truck.

"We'll miss you," Jillian said as she hugged Nick. When she pulled away she said, "Gil, come here."

Gil glanced around the back of the truck and closed the hood. It still surprised him that he was getting hugs from a woman he barely knew. She gave him a tight squeeze then Bill and Cole shook his hand. "It was a pleasure spending the holiday with you and your family," he told Bill and Jillian.

"Anytime, Gil. You're always welcomed here."

Gil smiled at Bill and nodded. It felt weird, but good to be somewhat part of a family again. He usually wasn't welcomed in some of his relatives' homes unless he called first.

"Keep out of trouble Pancho," Bill told Nick as they hugged.

Nick hugged him back and pulled away. "Don't worry Cisco, I got Gil protecting me."

Gil looked up at the mention of his name. Nick was the one protecting him. He felt a sense of pride though when Bill grinned over at him and patted him on the shoulder.

"I know it, and I'm grateful."

Gil swallowed hard and nodded his agreement. "Always." Always, even when it was himself he was protecting Nick from.

After another two minutes they were pulling away from the ranch and heading for the highway. Nick had a look of total concentration on the road even though he kept glancing in the rearview mirror. "So, what are your impressions on the weekend?"

Gil glanced over at Nick. "It was the most alive I think I've felt in a really, really long time."

Nick was smiling. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Gil looked at Nick and studied his face. "I am sorry, about..." Nick glance at him when he trailed off trying to figure out how to word the prefect apology.

"I know, Gil. Hell, I was angry for a long time after what happened to me. I think I socked Cole more times those two months I was here than I did the in my whole life," Nick replied with a gentle smile and softer eyes. "I don't expect you to be perfect, not now, or ever to be honest. We've both got issues we need to deal with before this relationship feels solid and without...remorse; I guess that's the right word."

Gil was nodding his agreement and understanding. "I just didn't want you to think that I'm...any more crazy than usual."

Nick laughed and shook his head. "How can I think you're any crazier than what you are? You race roaches."

Gil huffed out his own laugh and focused on the road. "Thanks."

Nick smiled but kept his eyes on the road. The way Gil said that simple word told Nick it was a 'thanks' to a whole lot more than just making him laugh.


8888888888


"I'll have to get back with you on that, Alan. Thanks, bye." Gil flipped his cell phone shut.

"Alan, the Sheriff from California," Nick asked as he parked the truck at the Café Pasqual's in Santa Fe. He wanted to just stop at the local Starbucks and get coffee and a muffin to go, but Gil had refused to get anything from a Starbucks when they stopped in a great city that serve amazing cuisines.

They'd been on the road for ten hours and they had another ten to go. Gil was hungry and he knew Nick had to be too, why get a takeout coffee and muffin. He tried telling Nick to pull over and just get a motel room, but he insisted on driving straight through. "Yeah, he wanted to make sure we were okay. Word got back to him about Salt Lake."

Nick nodded as he got out of the truck. "I figured it wouldn't take long before the whole west coast found out."

Gil held the door open for Nick. "We're 'ticking away the moments that make up a dull day', Nick."

Nick stopped just inside the door and waited for Gil to stand beside him. "Did you just quote Pink Floyd?"

Gil searched the small dinner for an empty table. "There, in the back."

Nick nodded went to head toward the back booth when a waitress stopped him.

"Senor, wait to be seated," She said as she pointed to the sign.

Nick frowned and looked at Gil who was suppressing a laugh. He didn't see why they had to wait since no one else was in front of them or even coming in behind them. After a moment another waitress came up to them.

"Table with a view," she asked in a thick Spanish accent and with a polite smile.

"Whatever's open," Gil said as he looked around the dinner again. The only opening he saw was the one he'd spotted in the back.

The waitress made a show of checking one side before she checked the other. "Follow me." She led them through the dinner and to the table Gil had spotted. "Take your time, order when you're ready."

Nick looked over at Gil once the waitress was gone. "Think I'll be able to go to the restroom without having to raise my hand."

Gil chuckled. "Some places are different. They like to make sure they know who'd just arrived."

Nick frowned then glanced over the menu. "They like to make you wait."

Gil glanced at Nick then studied his own menu. "Stop complaining."

Nick glared over his menu at Gil then sat it down. "I'm tired; I complain when I'm tired."

"Why didn't you pull over to sleep," Gil asked as he sat his own menu down.

Nick shrugged with a half-smile. "I wanted to make good time; plus, I hate sleeping in motels. Call me paranoid."

"Okay, Paranoid," Gil said in mock humor. "We can get a hotel room. I'm used to sleeping and you're keeping me awake with concern."

"Then sleep in the truck," Nick said as the waitress came back and asked for their drink order.

Gil ordered coffee as usually and so did Nick.

When the woman left Nick frowned over at Gil. "Coffee, I thought you're used to sleeping."

"I...I'll worry too much to sleep." Gil gave Nick a gentle smile and shrug. Nick just gave him that gentle, easy look and sighed then shook his head. "So," Gil was about to say before the waitress came back with there two coffee cups and place the pot of coffee down.

"Can I take your orders?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah, I'll have the Wolferman's muffin with..." he looked up in surprise when Gil snatched his menu away. "Hey."

Gil just gave him a look and smiled up at the waitress. "Scratch that and give us two Durango omelette's, with Tomatillo d'Arbol Salsa instead of the Green Chile, por favor." He gave a sideways look to Nick. "You're not allergic to anything are you?"

"Uh, no."

Gil smiled. "That'd be all, gracias."

Nick stared at Gil after the waitress went to put up their orders. "Now who's controlling whose life?"

Gil smirked and leaned on the table. "You haven't eaten in twelve hours, and chips don't count. If I'm going to let you drive for another ten, you're having more than a muffin and coffee."

"How do you know that I don't like," Nick looked down at the menu. "Mushrooms or sour cream?"

"Because I've seen you eat them," Gil replied matter-of-factly. He emptied two half-and-half into his coffee cup before filling it with coffee. A cautious sipped burned his tongue so he sat it down to cool. "I wouldn't order anything for you if I thought you didn't like anything on it."

"I'm fine with a muffin, you know." Nick poured his coffee but added sugar. "An empty stomach keeps my eyes open more than a full stomach."

Gil picked up his cup and blew on it. "Actually, it's better to drive on a full stomach because an empty stomach causes cramps, pain, and an overall sense of lack of energy which will cause you to be more tired; plus, you'll have poor reflexes."

Nick grinned. "Cite your source."

Gil peered over the top of his cup and grinned back. "Common sense based on my knowledge of the body's natural reaction."

Nick shook his head. "But, it's not proven."

"No," Gil said as he glanced around the restaurant. "But a balanced, all natural and healthy meal after not eating for twelve hours is better than nothing."

Nick just smiled and shook his head. "Whatever; as long as we get to Vegas without problems then I'll be a happy man."

They waited in comfortable silence drinking their coffees until the waitress came back with their orders. Nick hesitantly took a bite of his food, crewing slowly. Gil just watched him with a perplexed look as he ate two more bites than Nick.

Nick finally nodded and swallowed with a grin on his face. "That's good."

Gil gave him an easy smile as he continued eating.

"When were you here before," Nick asked after he took a few more big bites.

Gil gave it thought as he chewed then swallowed. "Eight years ago...I think, yeah, '98." Nick was still questioning him with a look. "Conference on preserving evidence in the desert."

"Where haven't you been?"

Gil grinned. "Alaska."

Nick laughed as he took a bite. "Figures."

"But I'll like to go there," Gil said with all seriousness.

Nick nodded his head at the thought. "Yeah, and maybe try to find a way to preserve food for the native animals, like the polar bears. It's such a shame to hear about them maybe resorting to cannibalism because we've destroyed their habitat and took their food away."

"Wouldn't that be nice, cold, but nice? If..." Gil trailed off as he looked up at Nick who was staring at him. "If I don't accept the job offer Alan gave me."

Nick looked up from his plate. "Job offer?"

Gil took a sip of his coffee and noticed it was almost empty so he poured some more. "Yeah, Alan wants me to consult on cases, and there's going to be an opening in the Biology department at UCLA after the break. A professor is retiring."

Nick studied Gil and nodded. "I...I won't keep you from doing something you want to do."

Gil saw the sincerity in Nick's features and heard it in his voice. Nick was telling him the truth. "I know. He also offered you a job."

Nick blinked in surprise. "Really? At the department?"

Gil shook his head. "Crime lab. He contacted Ecklie before he called, just to be cautious. Ecklie sent your file to the LA lab. Apparently you're just the man they've been looking for to take over as their nightshift supervisor."

Nick leaned all the way back in the chair and looked at the table in awe and confusion. "Supervisor?"

Gil's look was concern but supportive. "The CSI's under the temp supervisor are all Level One's or just been upped to Level Two's. They need a Level Three to take over."

Nick looked up at Gil in confusion. "I don't have any experience as Supervisor. And it's been a few years since my 'should-have-been' promotion."

"Yes, I know," Gil said as he took a drink of his coffee. "But I'm confident that you're the best person for the job. You're confident, strong willed, compassionate about what you're doing, easy to get along with yet strict when you need to be, people like learning and listening to you--me especially. You have everything it takes to be a great supervisor, better than I was actually."

Without warning, or second thought, Nick leaned over the table and kissed Gil on the lips. Gil froze in shock but kissed Nick back as his brain tried to stay focus that they were in a crowded restaurant.

Nick pulled back with a wide smile on his face. "Thank you, for having confidence in me."

Gil nodded as his eyes searched the tables around them. One couple had apparently caught the kiss but turned back to their conversation. Everyone else seemed obvious to the two of them in the back corner of the room. He turned and spotted a mother with her child at the table behind them. The girl was frowning at him and turned to her shocked mother.

"Mommy, are those men gay?"

Gil closed his eyes and opened them when he glanced at Nick who was trying not to laugh at the girl's innocence.

"Yes, honey," he heard the mom say. "But God made everyone love different people so it's okay. Want some more French Toast?"

Gil started laughing and shook his head. "Tell me again why this country is going crazy over two people of the same sex loving each other?"

Nick was chuckling too. "Because not everyone sees it that way?"

"Right and they should all listen to that child's mother," Gil said as he finished his second coffee. "I'm done. You ready?"

Nick finished his coffee too and got up. "Yep," he said as he pulled money out of his wallet. "Is five enough for my share?"

Gil nodded as he added five more to the table. "Yeah, want to go in half for the bill?"

"Nah, I got it," Nick said as he headed for the cashier.

Gil followed smiling politely and apologetically to the mother as he passed. Nick had already paid by the time he made it to the door.

Nick pressed the button on his keychain to unlock the truck. "Mind if I stop at Starbucks to get coffee to go?"

Gil opened his door. "Sure, I might get me something too." Once he got in and shut his door, Nick leaned over and kissed him again, this time deeper and longer.

When Nick pulled away he was smiling. "You said you loved me."

Gil looked at Nick confused. "No, I didn't."

Nick's grin was sly and mocking. "You didn't say it, but you implied it."

Gil breathed out and shook his head. "Don't you have a drive-through coffee shop to get to?"

Nick was laughing as he buckled his seatbelt. "I'm going, I'm going."


8888888888


The lights from the strip were bright and lighting up everything along the way. Gil frowned and sat back in the seat. Why did he ever like this city? It was too much of everything: lights, people, crime...That could have been why, securing a job. But now that he didn't have one, he could live wherever he wanted. Marina del Rey was sounding more and more like home every time he thought about it. And he had the job offers that he was still considering, but they both sounded favoring.

Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" was playing quietly on the radio. Gil couldn't help but feel like the person in the song. This was like a machine, not a place to call home. Whether Nick would go with him or not, he was moving. No question about it. He glanced over at Nick and saw him mouthing the words from the lights of the casino. While driving through the desert he couldn't even make out Nick's eyes unless a car passed by.

"Did you know that Roger Waters toured playing 'Dark Side of the Moon' this summer," Nick asked.

Gil was startled by the sudden sound but recovered before he said. "Yeah, I had tickets to the Vegas concert but it was concealed and I didn't find out in time to get them for the three nights in LA. But, it isn't the same without David Gilmour, he's my favorite. "

Nick nodded. "Yeah, me too. I saw them when they performed at Live 8—it was on the computer—and Roger's voice is getting bad. David still sounds good."

Gil smiled. "I saw that too, in London."

Nick looked over at him. "I thought you had a conference to go to in London?"

"I did," Gil said and turned to look at Nick. "That didn't mean I couldn't stay two days longer to see the concert."

Nick laughed and shook his head. "You're one of a kind."

Gil smiled and looked out the window. "We're all unique." He was watching the scenery pass by before him, leaning his head against the window. Nick turned on a road and Gil frowned in confusion. "Why are we headed for the lab?"

"I've got some things to pick up before we head home."

Home. Home then was his townhouse since Nick gave up his apartment when he left. All Nick's stuff was either at Warrick's or in storage. He really didn't feel like going to the lab right then. His bed was where he wanted to go. They both hadn't slept since they left Texas.

The casinos and hotels faded into the distance and Nick turned on another street. He straightened in his seat and waited for the next turn into the parking lot of the lab. "Have a Cigar" was playing, but clicked off as Nick turned the key in the ignition.

"Seems like forever since I've been here," Nick said as opened the driver side door.

Gil opened the passenger door and got out and stretched. The thought of seeing the team just then, when he was exhausted from lack of sleep and in pain wasn't his idea of a welcoming home. A migraine had been forming earlier but Nick tossed him his pills from the center console.

"Think anyone missed us," Nick asked with a smile as he held the door to the lab open.

"You maybe," Gil said with a weak smile and went in first. Judy at the desk spotted them and nearly dropped the phone she was talking into.

"Oh, my...Hang on," she said as she put down the phone. "Mr. Grissom, Mr. Stokes, welcome back."

Gil was surprised how much he'd missed Judy's pleasant smile and warm greeting. He found himself smiling back. "Hello, Judy."

"Are you two here to stay?"

Gil looked over at Nick who just shrugged.

"We'll see, I just came to pick up some things," Nick smiled at her.

"If you need anything let me know," she smiled at them then sat back down and continued talking into the phone.

Gil followed Nick down the halls and glanced around at the lab rooms, which were empty. "Ah, does this place seem a little...deserted to you?"

Nick looked around. "Could be a meeting or office coffee break."

As they came to the break room, it was dark and the lights were off. Nick walked in and flicked the lights on.

"Surprise!"

Gil flinched back at the sudden yelling. The entire lab was in the room clapping, smiling, and laughing. He looked over at Nick who was laughing with them and frowned in confusion.

"I called them when we stopped in Albuquerque," Nick said was a wide grin. "This is your party, so enjoy it."

Gil was bombarded with people suddenly giving him a hug. The first of course was Catherine. He was pulled through the people once the hugging was done and placed at the head of the table. A ladybug cake was in front of him that read, 'Congrats Gil! Good luck!' across it. He was speechless. Oh, god, he hoped he didn't have to give a speech.

"Blow out the candles, Gil," Nick said beside him.

"It's not my birthday."

Laughter filled the room and he heard Greg yell out. "Duh, Sherlock. It's your going away party."

"Yeah, Gil," Jim said. "Be glad you don't have to see Sanders again."

"Hey!"

More laughter erupted in the small room at the look on Greg's face.

Catherine cleared her throat and everyone dulled it down. "The candles, Gil, are for you to make a wish in the next step of your life."

"Yeah, leaving this rude crime lab for another," Hodges spoke up from the back.

Gil smiled and shook his head as he looked at the cake then glanced over at Nick. "Only if Nick helps me out."

Nick smiled and leaned forward with Gil and they both blew the candles out. Applause filled the room and Gil had to smile at the smiles around the room.

"Now," Nick said as he straightened up. "Lets all hope the sprinklers don't go off."



The party was a short one. After everyone had a slice of the cake and laughed over mindless things from the latest rumor to Gil becoming a Professor, they all started filing out except for the team and some lab techs that were still eating.

Nick was about to speak when Ecklie came to the door and motioned for Gil to follow him into the hallway.

Gil was sitting on the sofa and glanced up at Nick then around the room at the confused people then stood and followed the AD into the hall.

Ecklie turned to Gil and actually smiled. "I just wanted to say congratulations, Gil. You'll be missed."

Gil blinked back and didn't know what to say. He shrugged and nodded. "Thanks, Conrad. Uh...would you like to stay, have some cake?"

Ecklie glanced into the break room and shook his head. "No, this is for your team, Gil. I said my goodbyes. Take care in California, watch out for earthquakes," he said as he turned and headed back for his office.

Gil watched him leave then went back into the break room. "That was interesting."

Nick smiled over at him then turned back to the group as Gil sat back down on the sofa. "Okay, before the rest of you go back to work and me and Gil go to sleep, I want you to share your favorite moment with our ever eccentric supervisor. It either had to have happened in the lab, or someone here could vouch for it. Greg, that means no making up stories."

Greg gave him his best innocent look but no one bought it. "Fine, I won't tell about the time me and Gil made out in the supply room."

Hodges shook his head. "Since Greg can't be civil, I'll start. My favorite memory of the best supervisor this side of the Mississippi has seen..." When exaggerated sighs filled the room, he hurried along in his story. "It was in the lab and Gil said to me, and I quote. "This was the first thing you did that impressed me"."

"That's your favorite moment," Greg asked as he took a bite of his cake.

Hodges gave him a frustrated look. "Okay, then how about the time me and Gil had a private conversation. It was two friends talking about marriage and how men like us who..."

"Who one of them told you to leave," Gil piped up from the sofa.

Hodges looked at Gil and nodded. "Right, but that was after we talked."

"About the evidence," Gil retorted.

"Don't you have samples to smell," Nick asked Hodges.

"Fine, I'll leave. Gil, it was a pleasure and an honor to have worked with you," Hodges said before he left the room.

"Man, why couldn't he leave," Greg said from the chair beside Sara.

"I like Hodges," Sara said next to Greg. "I think he's funny," she replied when everyone looked at her.

"Arch, your turn," Nick said before he dug into his second piece of cake.

Archie threw away his plate and turned back and looked at Gil. "When Gil hired me. That made my life."

Gil smiled. "You're a great person to have in this lab."

Archie smiled then waved at everyone and gave Gil a hand shake and Nick a high-five. "Don't leave without saying bye, guys," he said as he exited the room and headed to his lab room.

"I'll go next," Warrick said as he peered over at Gil. "I don't have a favorite moment, I have five hundred. Every time Gil gave me a second chance, every time he taught me something I didn't know, every time he silently told me he had my trust and confidence, and every time he said the most outlandish thing I've ever heard are all my favorite moments. I'm going to deeply miss you, Gil. And Nick, my brother."

Nick smiled and got up and gave Warrick a one armed hug. "You're always welcomed to visit, man." He turned back to the remaining people in the room. "All of you are."

Gil had stopped eating his cake as he watched everyone around the room. This was what felt like home. These people. There was no way he could just walk away from these people who'd for the past twenty years put up with his quirky personality. "I vouch for that. You are all welcomed to my house, especially tomorrow when I'll expect everyone to help me pack."

Everyone groaned around the room, but still gave him smiled as to say, "We'll be there."

"Greg, my main man, you're next," Nick said as he sat back down.

"Let's see...um...Oh, when Grissom, Gil now since he isn't my boss anymore. When Gil gave me a second chance on my final proficiency. I was speechless."

"It's about time," Warrick laughed and threw his plate in the trash.

"And," Greg said over the laughter. "When I caught Gil trying so hard not to laugh at my jokes. It proved to me that he is human after all."

Gil laughed and shook his head. "Glad you came to that conclusion, Greg." He smiled then glanced at Sara. "Sara, you're turn."

Sara gave it some thought before saying, "It used to be when you called me and told me you wanted me to work here, but now I appreciate every time you got on me when I wouldn't listen. You taught me a lot, especially to don't let the job get personal."

"And you get distracted now by your boyfriend, Clarence right," Greg asked. "Or is it Cartman? What's his name?"

"Chris, Greg, you know that."

"Oh, that's right. The drummer," Greg teased.

Sara pushed him and laughed. "He's not a drummer, Greg."

"Okay, I'm really tired and you guys need to get to work. Jim, you're at bat," Gil said interrupting the playful exchange between the Sara and Greg.

"How 'bout, when you saved my life--you seem to do that a lot--but that was a favorite moment that I didn't really get to experience. So mine would be all the mornings we'd sit around my office, off the clock, and drink until we had to take a cab home."

"I vouch for that," Catherine raised her hand. "Since I've done it with them two before. Boy, are you two funny when you drink."

Gil laughed and pointed at Jim. "He's the funny one; I just go along with it."

"Quit flirting with me, Gil. You're boyfriend's right next to you," Jim's comment was laced with sarcasm. His pager went off and he looked down at it. "That's the Sheriff, I've got to go." He stood and waved to everyone before pulling Gil out of his seat and giving him a hug. "Take care, buddy."

"I will. Come over tomorrow, I'll let you sit back and laugh at all of us," Gil said as they pulled away.

"That's what I was planning on," Jim said back. "Later, Nicky."

"Later, Jim," Nick waved back. He looked back at the group. "Catherine, you're the last one."

"No, you still have to go," Catherine smiled back as she covered the cake and put it in the community fridge.

Gil watched Catherine and smiled while shaking his head. He glanced over at Warrick and they shared a knowing smile.

"Mine's private," Nick said with a sly grin and took a drink of his milk. "Okay, fine. My favorite moment was when Gil put his hand on my hand, through plexiglass, and made me listen to what he had to say. If he hadn't had done that, I'd be dead right now."

Gil was staring at Nick with a gentle smile. "Then, where would I be."

"Were would all of us be," Warrick said from across the room. "I've got evidence to process. Nick, Gil," he said as he stood. "See you two tomorrow."

"Hey, it's Catherine's go," Nick said before Warrick left.

Warrick yelled over his shoulder, "She'll tell me in the morning."

Nick watched Warrick leave then turned to Catherine. "Is the wedding really planned for January?"

Catherine laughed and shook her head. "No, will the CSI rumor mills please stop circulating that." She huffed out a breath of air. "Anyways, Gil, my favorite memory is when I saved your life. Next time, please be careful; I can't run to California every time you decide not to think."

Gil blushed slightly. "Sorry Cath, the next time I decide not to think, I'll have Nick rush in and save the day."

Catherine smiled. "That wasn't really my favorite moment, you know that, but I had to say it. No mine is, every day working with you. And the time I showed up at the hospital when you had your ear surgery and you only had a gown on. That was funny." She leaned down and kissed his cheek and then kissed Nick's. "Be good guys; see you tomorrow."

Greg and Sara got up to follow everyone out, but gave Gil and Nick one last hand shake and hugs before they left.

Once everyone was out of the room, Gil looked over at Nick and smiled. "Thank you, for this."

Nick grinned and hugged Gil. "Anything for you." He pulled back slightly then kissed Gil on the lips.

Whops and hollers were heard down the hall, but Gil didn't care. He was with the man he loved and that was all that mattered. When the kiss ended he breathed in hard. "Kay, time to go home."

Nick laughed and led the way out of the break room. Instead of taking the front exit they headed out through the locker room and into the Vegas air.


8888888888


They pulled into Gil's driveway around one in the morning. Gil stared up at the townhouse with a frown. "Can I...uh, we, stay somewhere else?"

Nick stared at Gil as he pulled the keys out. "Sorry, but this is our only option." He yawned and stretched. "And I'm surprised I got us here without wrecking."

Gil sighed then got out of the truck, straining as he pulled on the stitches in his stomach. His back was aching too from the movement as he walked up the steps and unlocked the door. It swung open and Gil stayed on the small porch as he looked around the neighborhood. It was like nothing changed.

Nick dropped both bags on the porch. "What?"

"It...smells." Gil leaned inside and flipped on the light.

The entryway and staircase looked the same. He stepped further inside and stopped in the living room. Everything was the same as he left it. That probably meant the smell was coming from the refrigerator. He closed his eyes wondering what experiment could be causing the horrible smell.

Nick sat the bags down again by the stairs then walked around the townhouse checking things out. His gun was on his side, like always. Even though Robert was dead, Nick still wanted to make sure Gil was safe. "All clear."

Gil chuckled. "You forgot the fridge. Think you can take into custody the item making that foul stench?"

Nick came up behind him and rubbed his shoulders then leaned down to his ear. "That's your job. I'm not the one who left Vegas in a hurry and didn't clean out the refrigerator."

Gil sighed heavy then moved away, toward the kitchen. "At least I took out the trash. That would have been really bad." He cautiously opened the door then stepped back. "It's worse then I thought. I need gloves."

Nick was laughing as he opened the patio door and turned on the fan in the window. "Come on, it can't be worse than having a decomp. stuffed in a duffel bag out in the desert."

Gil peered over his shoulder at Nick. "Yes, it can."

Nick looked over and saw the slight smile on Gil's face. At least Gil was smiling again. He'd hoped the time in Texas or just away would do that, and it did. But Gil still hadn't tried to really come to terms with everything that had happened. And being back in Vegas, where everything started, made Nick know one thing for sure. What happened in Vegas never stayed in Vegas.

Gil was trying to get over it by not thinking about it. Most would be surprised that Gilbert Grissom, Mr. Cognitive Thinker, was the kind of man to ignore a personal problem than to be the kind of man to think it through to fix it. But, all they had to do was ask Doc Robbins about the time Grissom came to him asking if he'd look at his ears. Gil always thought it'd just go away or that it was over if the issue was no longer there. Typical. "Hey, Gil?"

Gil stood up from his kneeling position behind the door. He let out a soft groan of pain then looked over at Nick.

Nick flinched back at the painfully expression. "Sorry, but I think we need to get some sleep first before we go all Mr. Clean around the townhouse."

Gil studied Nick for a long moment then looked around the townhouse then nodded.

Nick smiled and nodded. "Good because it's time for you to take your medication."

Gil frowned then shut the door. "Okay."

Nick was surprised that Gil didn't put up more of a fight. Maybe he was starting to come around. That was kind of scary, in a good way. In Texas, Gil had gone off on him for telling him what to do.

Gil walked around Nick and headed for the stairs. Nick quickly wrapped his arm around Gil as they both climbed the steps. Every few steps Gil would winch in pain and fumble on the steps. A gut wound was the most painful, and Nick couldn't imagine what Gil's back must've felt like. Sitting in a truck for hours, in an upright position wasn't the most comfortable of things. They finally got to the top and both sighed heavily in relief.

Nick led Gil down the hall and into his bedroom. "Okay, lay down. I'll go get your medicine and a glass of water."

Gil nodded as he stayed standing. "Thank you, Nick."

Nick leaned in and kissed his temple. "No need to thank me. Now, lay down." He waited until Gil was sitting on the bed before he left the room.

Gil watched Nick leave then closed his eyes. He hoped Nick would go with him to California. If it was love he was feeling for Nick, it'd be a shame to waste it. He stood and pulled some clothes out of his dresser. Not caring if Nick came back while he was changing, he left the door open and slipped out of the clothes he'd worn since the day before and pulled on an old pair of sweatpants and a white Chicago cubs t-shirt.

He didn't think anything could feel better than sliding under the sheets in his own bed and burying his face in the pillow. It smelled familiar and felt comfortable, safe. He heard a creak in the floorboard and glanced up. Nick was in the doorway staring down at him. He smiled up at him.

Nick blinked and smiled back. "Sorry."

Gil shrugged. "No need. If I cared, I would've shut the door."

Nick sat the bag of medicine down and the glass next to it. "Maybe I should go all natural and organic."

Gil gave him a long look then huffed out a laugh. "You, give up The Works pizza? Never."

"Hey, I didn't say vegan. I said organic, there's a difference. I can still have pizza," Nick said as he sat down next to Gil and handed him the glass of water a pills. "Besides, Sara's a vegan and I've seen what she eats. No way, man. No way."

Gil swallowed the pills and handed the empty glass back to Nick. He watched Nick put the glass down then face him again. He smiled before he leaned over and kissed Nick on the lips.

Nick was surprised by the sudden movement but immediately kissed Gil back. Gil wasn't in any hurry; there was no rush in the kiss. It was sweet yet firm, exploring yet reserved. Like the first time Gil was kissing someone he loved. He opened his eyes at that thought and viewed the up close and personal image of Gil kissing him. It did seem like Gil was more comfortable with him and the relationship. Plus things that were inadvertently said made him wonder and think that Gil was coming to some kind of conclusion between the two of them. He knew it'd take sometime for Gil to actually express his love, and they had time, a lot of time together in California.

They parted lips but didn't part their bodies. Gil rested his head on Nick's shoulder and breathed his scent it. It was overwhelming delicious and comforting at the same time.

Nick stroked Gil's back up it wasn't to excite, but to sooth. "I'm going with you. My stuff is already packed or in storage, so we don't need to bother with it until...until we get your house in California straightened up."

Gil glanced up at Nick and smiled a sleepy grin. "Didn't want to leave you," he said in a sleepy, soft voice. His words slurred but Nick understood him. "...be a waste if..."

Nick smiled and watched as Gil's heavy eyes close. He sighed heavily and maneuvered them both in a laying position. Lucky for him, the bed was big enough for two, maybe three people. The blanket covered them both and he wrapped his arms around Gil who snuggled into his shoulder and chest.

Tomorrow, they would pack. Then, they'd be off to California and to their new lives together.


8888888888


"How come no one ever told you to maybe calm down on the butterfly casings," Greg yelled over his shoulder to Gil who was managing things.

Gil glanced at Greg in an "I'm not amused" glare then went back to directing orders. He wanted to help pack but Nick literally forced him not to. Nick was right, as always, if he helped packing his stitches might break then it'd take longer for his wounds to heal. "Okay, Warrick and Nick, the sofa should go first so we'll have the space in the living to...pile things."

Warrick strolled his way over to the sofa that was already pulled away from the wall. Nick was on the other side.

"Okay," Nick said as he grabbed one side. "On three. One, two, three!" He lifted at the same time Warrick did and they both hurried with the sofa toward the door.

Gil glanced over at watched as Sara packed up his books on the bookshelf. "Sara, make sure you put them on the backs, makes more room in the box."

"Gil, I know how to pack. Trust me," Sara smiled over at him then went back to work.

"Greg," Gil yelled. "Be careful, I don't want to have to clean up tiny shreds of glass."

Greg looked over at Gil as he joggled three butterfly casings in his arms. "Chill out, I'm fin...Whoa!" He barely caught one before it fell. "See."

Gil closed his eyes and shook his head. He opened them and looked around the room. "What are you doing," he asked Jim who walked into the house from the back patio.

Jim stopped walking and turned to look at his friend. "I'm getting your stuff out of your house. Now, are you going to help me or are you going to keep asking me questions all day and driving everyone else up the wall." He held up the beer bottle he had in his hand and smiled. "The refrigerator is calling our names."

At that, Gil let out a breath and went to "help" his friend. If he couldn't help by packing boxes and taking things out to the moving van, then he could drink his own alcohol and laugh at everyone else. Jim's idea of helping someone move was to cook all their food that could spoil and have one big party, which was okay with him because the steaks on the grill smelled delicious.

Gil grabbed a cold beer out of the fridge and followed Jim out onto the small front porch to watch Nick and Warrick try to maneuver the sofa into the back of the moving van. Catherine was trying to direct them because she was in charge of the van and organizing it so there would be enough room for everything. Nick's stuff was already in the back of the van. Warrick, Nick, and Catherine did that this morning when he was packing his room, but he wasn't allowed to lift anything heavy.

"I can't believe we're out on the front porch downing beers like it was one in the morning instead of one in the afternoon, on a Thursday, and your neighbors haven't given us a second look," Jim said as he drank a beer.

"Well, they know I work nights...so this probably isn't that weird," Gil said as he watched Sara come out of the house with a loaded box and stop in front of the van and watched the exchange of grunts and yells as the two men tried not to drop the sofa. "This isn't weirder than me walking a Komodo dragon around the neighborhood."

"Are you going to be okay?" Jim turned to Gil. "I mean, are you sure this is what you want?"

Gil swallowed the rest of his beer and turned to look at his friend. "If I you thought I was happy before being single, right now I'm ecstatic."

Jim smiled and patted his shoulder. "I'm happy for you, and Nick. God knows you two deserve some happiness."

Gil looked at Nick who was giving Warrick a high-five and hugging Catherine. "He deserves it more than I do. I could have gone the rest of my life being alone, but Nick...it'd be a waste for him not to share it with someone. Now that I'm the one who's sharing it with him, it's scary."

Jim nodded at that. "Yeah, well, love is a scary thing, no matter who you are. But when its right, well, then there's no need to worry about it."

Gil looked over at Jim and smiled. "Who's got you optimistic about love? The last time we've had this kind of talk you were burying love six feet under while singing."

Jim laughed and blushed slightly before he turned to head back in the house. "It's nothing, just a thing. And the steaks are probably burnt."

Gil watched as Jim shuffled into the house and Greg came out. Greg smiled over at him with two boxes in his hands and headed for the van. He watched the exchange between friends and the laughter that followed a joke Greg had told. Nick's smile wasn't forced or cautious, but easy and friendly, it was wide and showed his teeth and his eyes were bright and alive.

The thought of being in a long-term relationship was actually new to him. He never thought about it with Robert, he was just always there when he woke up and there when he went to sleep. Being with Robert never made him wonder what their future would be like together or what he needed to do to make sure Robert knew that he did love him. It just happened. After a long night at work he'd come home to find Robert's things in his house. They never talked about anything except how they liked it in bed...well, Robert did all the talking and he just had to do it, and if he didn't...

But now, he was excited about having a long lasting relationship because of Nick. If he didn't have Nick in his life then he'd rather be alone. Nick was walking up the walk toward him with that wide smile and bright eyes. Nick jogged up the short steps and wrapped his arms around him.

"What are you smiling about," Nick asked into Gil's shoulder.

Gil smiled wider and hugged Nick back, taking all of the younger man in. "Just us."

Nick pulled back and had a mischievous grin. "Oh, really? Is it something that can't be done here in front of everybody?"

Gil laughed and kissed Nick on the lips before he turned to walk into the house. "Yep, and it's something that'd make you scream."

Nick stared after Gil wide-eyed and gasping before he recovered then ran into the townhouse.



Everyone gathered in the backyard after all the packing was done and the van was full of Gil's and Nick's stuff to eat and spend time together one last time before Gil and Nick left. Laughter over the same jokes were shared but some how, to Gil, everything seemed brand new. The team was his family and after years with them he finally felt that connection.

No more was the notion hanging over him that he was just the supervisor to them. No more was the thought that they all thought he was an uncaring, robot, but a loving, feeling man. A man who was trying not to laugh too hard at the playful exchange between Greg, Nick, Sara, and Warrick in fear of breaking his stitches open. He wasn't succeeded, but who cared.

The sun was out, there was good steak and cold beer in his stomach, and Nick was bent over in laughter and trying to breathe. Catherine and Jim was sitting on either side of him and trying to act like the grownups in the group but the smiles and sarcastic comments were proving otherwise. There was no need to act like a parent when life felt that good.

Once Gil controlled his laughter, he stood and went inside the townhouse; he needed to use the bathroom. The sliding door slid shut and he headed for the hallway only to stop in the middle of his living room and looked around. It was bare. Every wall was empty of butterfly casings, the rooms empty of books, journals, furniture, and sculptures. He'd spent twenty years in that townhouse and memories echoed in every room.

There were memories of cooking dinner or breakfast for Catherine, and memories of laughing over work with either Catherine, Jim, or both. And the time his team was there going over the Syd Goggle case. He remembered the time he would sit and read or listen to music and cooking dinner or breakfast for one. Times when he would walk around his townhouse to think about a case, to calm his nerves, or wonder about his life and what he was doing. The memories of when he was depressed and wanted to just call someone and talk to them but didn't know how; like after the Nigel Crane case, after Syd Goggle, after he had surgery, after Walter Gordon, and after his mother passed.

A bombard of emotions filled him and he couldn't move. He just stared around the place and wondered when something as superficial like a house caused him to get a lump in his throat. This was his home at one time. His sanctuary, the only place that was his and he could just be. Now, his sanctuary was in a man whom he'd wanted to be with for years but never thought possible. In less than a day he'd be officially living with his Nicky.

A deep, fearful sigh escaped him. He'd do anything to not screw this up; even if it meant leaving the one he loved forever. As of now, he didn't have to do that, even earlier that day, before Nick woke up and he watched him sleep, he thought about it.

He thought he was done with love. Sara had finally stopped her endless pursuit of him and was seeing that Chris guy. Lady Heather, he didn't think twice about not seeing her again. She had destroyed any thought he might've had when she slept with that guy to get DNA then tried to beat him to death with a whip. She had pleaded temporary insanity and won. She was still beautiful, sexy, extremely fascinating, like always, but...she just wasn't the right person for him.

He remembered why exactly the first time he had met Robert it seemed right. Women fascinated him, but men, men could wreck him. They could make him open up and laugh, they could make him jump of a bridge if they asked him to, and they could kill him with a simple word. They were dangerous; that was why he could never commit himself to a woman and never date a man again.

He was never surprised when he fucked a good relationship up. Teri Miller put him behind her and got married, Sara got tired of waiting, he suspected Lady Heather of murder and never visited her again and never called or did anything until her daughter was killed, but then she ruined it. It would've ended sooner or later anyway. He was supposed to be alone; at least, that was what he thought.

Then Nick happened.

A noise sounded outside and he looked up and realized he was sitting against the kitchen island, staring into space. The noise was Greg acting out some weird looking ballet. He briefly wondered what he'd missed. He wanted to go out there and apologize to them for all the years he had missed. For all the times he should had been there but wasn't. He didn't even visit Greg in the hospital, and till to this day he didn't know why. Because he knew Greg was fine so why bother? Was it because he never expected anyone to be there for him?

A frustrated breath escaped as he stood and turned away from the sliding door. He walked out onto the front porch and sat on the steps. The townhouse felt too depressing empty and the backyard felt too depressing filled with life. He tapped out a cigarette and lit it.

He hadn't realized how much time had passed until the neighborhood was darker from the setting sun. When he looked over, Nick was sitting next to him studying the ground. "Where is everyone?"

Nick was startled by the sudden sound and looked up at Gil. A smile then formed on his face. "They're still here. I came out here and saw you deep in thought, so I sat down and thought myself."

Gil looked around and couldn't believe he'd been staring into nothing for that long. He didn't even remember what he was thinking about. "Oh. We need to go soon. Driving through L.A. too late isn't fun."

"Don't I know it? No matter how many times I go there it still freaks me out. And I work graveyard in Vegas." Nick stood and offered his hand. "Time to tell everyone goodbye, oh, by the way, Greg is already planning his vacation to come and stay with us for a week. He likes to surf, so..." he shrugged out.

Gil accepted the offered hand and was quickly on his feet. He put out the cigarette and threw it into the trash. "That's fine."

Nick studied him with a slight frown. "You're having second thoughts aren't you?"

Gil was surprised by the question, but it was true even though he wasn't going to back out. He nodded. "Some, but...I'm not running away from it."

Nick nodded, understanding as always. "It's okay to have doubts, Gil. I have some of my own, but I know that this isn't a mistake, and I'm happy about this change."

Gil smiled and shook his head. "Nick Stokes, what did I do to deserve you?"

Nick just smiled wider. "You, Gil Grissom, did nothing but be yourself. You're a good man, never forget that."

Gil looked at the door to the town house and sighed. "Do you know what my favorite moment with everyone was?"

"What," Nick asked, genuinely curious.

"Last night, at the party and here today, when everyone was so alive and not thinking about the job," Gil glanced back at Nick who was smiling. "We got friends to say goodbye." With that he went back inside the townhouse, Nick was right behind him. "Oh, by the way, how are you getting your truck there?"

Nick stopped just inside the doorway and glanced at Gil. "Anyone up for a road trip?"


8888888888


The four hour drive to L.A. went by in no time. With the combination of the radio going, conversation ranging from facts about the mountains and California to how in the heck were they supposed to unload the van kept the time from passing slow. Greg was following them in Nick's truck since he had already scheduled his two day vacation time for next week; Ecklie just moved it up a week so Greg was the one elected to make the drive; he already had a plane ticket back.

Gil had called up his "estranged" family and asked them for help tomorrow with going through his mother's house and cleaning it out and then unloading what they needed before they put everything else in storage. All but a few said "yes", and Nick had friends in L.A. that were going to help. Steven was even going to fly in from Seattle to help.

Gil smiled when Nick took the ocean scenic route to Marina del Rey and not the city route. The moon was barely lighting the night sky and illuminating the ocean. He could see lights of distant boats or ships out on the horizon, Venice Pier, and the light from the lighthouse in Fisherman Village.

Nick turned onto his street and a smile came to his face as it pulled into the drive. The engine died and Nick pulled the key out of the ignition. He glanced over at Nick and smiled wider. "We're home."

Nick broke into huge grin and stared at him with soft, loving eyes. "I can't wait to move our stuff in and make this our home. But, if you can't live here, that's fine we can find some other place."

Gil stared up at the house then looked back at Nick. "I have no problem living here; sleeping in my mother's room on the other hand...We're going to have to take a different room."

Nick laughed and opened the van door. "Yeah, that is kind of creepy, maybe it'd be our office."

"Stop making out in the van and let me in the house," Greg yelled from the front porch.

Gil shook his head and got out, shutting the door behind him. "Does Greg have to stay here?"

"It'd be the nice thing to do, but he doesn't have to," Nick said as he walked in step beside Gil. "He can sleep on the porch?"

Gil chuckled. "Throw a blanket on him if he gets cold?"

"Think he'll go for it," Nick asked as he smiled over at Greg.

"It's Greg, he'll go for anything if you ask him nice enough," Gil said as he approached the porch steps.

Nick smiled over at Gil. "Or bribe him."

"Will you two stop flirting and open the door, I'm hungry and tired." Greg was impatiently waiting at the door. "There's a microwave that's calling my name."

"That's the only thing calling you," Gil said as he unlocked the door. "Nick, remind me to have a key made for you tomorrow."

"Yep, and matching bath towels," Nick said just as serious but with a hint of sarcasm. "Maybe his-and-his sinks too?"

"Haha, keep it up Nick and you might get laid tonight," Greg said as he followed them into the house. "We all know Grissom gets off on sarcasm and bad jokes."

Nick laughed and followed Gil into the guest room with their bags. Greg had thrown his down by the couch. "That's not the only things he gets off on; throwing you out of the house will really get his juices going."

Gil sat his bag down on the bed and turned to Nick; he was smiling and silently laughing to himself over the two younger men. "Don't pay attention to Greg, he's just jealous that I get to kiss you and he doesn't." With that he leaned forward and captured Nick's lips with his own.

Nick stepped into the small space that separated him for Gil and pressed his body against the older man. Gil moaned into Nick's mouth as he felt how hard Nick was. The kiss deepened and tongues fought together, rolling and hot, until Nick won out and tortured Gil's mouth with his talented tongue.

When they both had to come up for air they heard Greg say from the door: "See, I was right, bad jokes and sarcasm."

Gil glared over at Greg which made Greg smile wider.

"I'm hungry, and there's nothing to eat in this house," Greg said as he leaned against the doorframe.

"That's because no one lived here for months, until now." Gil stepped away from Nick and went to the bathroom. "You two decide dinner, I'm going to take a shower, and no, I don't need any help." He shut the door to the bathroom.

Nick turned to Greg. "Take out or order in?"


888888888


It had been a month since they moved in and they still had boxes piled in the family room. Gil shuffled his way pass the boxes and into the kitchen. The smell of coffee filled the house and he poured himself another cup then headed back out the back door. It had became a habit already to sit on the back porch, open his laptop, and go over slides for his class, update his class website, or grade papers. It was ten in the morning and he should be sleeping with Nick sprawled over him, but he couldn't sleep. His brain was going a thousand miles a minute since he finally had it working properly again with the combination of work. He loved to work.

But instead of going over the slides on Urban Entomology: Classes of Arthropod Pest of the Urban Community, he was designing house plans he had for the upstairs. They still didn't get the upstairs reorganized yet because they kept fighting about what room should be what. Nick wanted a workroom or a weight room, and he wanted the library to stay and have a bug room.

Gil was smiling at the thought of him and Nick arguing over little things already when the back door opened and a tired, ruffled looking Nick shuffled onto the porch and shut the door. "Morning."

Nick gave him a "too tired to respond look" and sat down across from him. His voice was gravelly when he spoke. "You woke me up."

Gil's look was sympathetic at best. Nick had worked a triple, non-stop, and had to have a two hour long meeting with the Director of the lab before he could finally leave and come home. He had stopped by the lab during shift two and helped out some but there wasn't much he could do without being directly asked to consult. "I can help wear you out so you can go back to sleep."

A goofy, sleepy grin spread over Nick's face. "Oh yeah...whatcha have in mind?"

Gil leaned on the top and said, "Clearing the boxes out of the family room."

Nick frowned. "That wasn't what I had in mind."

Gil chuckled and looked back at the computer screen. "I have a staff meeting in two hours. They know I have night classes and afterwards either consult on a case or work at the body farm, but no, they have to schedule a meeting for noon. Last time it was eight in the morning...I didn't remember anything that was said."

Nick chuckled as he sipped his coffee. "Day people have no pity for us night people."

Gil smiled up at Nick. "Us versus them mentality will get you nowhere."

"Yeah it will; the excuse for not going to meetings at noon when I should be either sleeping or going to a movie with you alone because everyone else in the world is working."

"Retired seniors don't work, and they fill ten seats in the theatres," Gil retorted back with sarcasm. "Soon, I'd be one of them and looking at you like time needs to either hurry up or stay still, but I won't remember which."

Nick laughed and leaned over the table and gave Gil a quick kiss. "I'm taking a shower then I'll do something about those boxes."

"I have plans drawn up for the upstairs; which one you like best?" Gil motioned Nick over and turned his laptop around so Nick could see it.

Nick studied them with real interest and focus. "The second one."

Gil looked at the plans with the same focus. "Really?"

"Yeah, more room and availability." Nick headed for the door and turned back to Gil. "You're just upset I didn't pick the one with the bug habitat in your old room."

Gil smirked and shrugged. "Fine, I'll stick with the basement, away from the real world, like always. Think the neighbors would freak out if I took Puff for a walk around the block."

"I would, and I live with him." Nick smiled and disappeared inside.

Gil studied the floor plans on more time before he switched over to the power point slides. He smiled into his coffee cup as he took a sip and focused on the best way to gross out his students yet teach them something.



An half an hour later he was in the basement feeding his bugs when he heard Nick come down the steps.

"You're meetings in an hour."

"I know," Gil said as he covered the tarantula habitat cage back up. The basement was better, no room and since it was dry-walled and had carpet, he could really do anything he wanted with the room. He actually thought about painting murals on the walls of their different natural environment and put in a plant nursery to line the walls.

"Want to hang out for a while until you have to leave," Nick asked from the steps. "I'm watching a movie."

Gil smiled up at Nick as he made his way step-by-step up the staircase. "Sure, and you can make the popcorn."

Nick smiled as he took Gil's hand once he got closer to him and lead the way to the living room. Gil's sofa lined on wall while Nick's couch sat in the middle, recliner in the corner to the left. "Curl up I'll go get the popcorn."

Gil sat back on the couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table. He didn't even know what the movie was but a car was blowing up and people running franticly in every direction. When he saw Spider-Man come out of the corner of the screen he wanted to laugh.

Before no time he heard the microwave beep and soon after that Nick came out with a big bowl of buttery popcorn and sat next to him, making himself comfortable on his shoulder. Nick pulled the throw blanket down and sprawled it over them and placed the bowl in the middle of them.

"Have you seen this," Nick asked before he downed a handful of popcorn.

Gil shook his head. "No, didn't know that they made a movie...I've read the comic books."

Nick chuckled. "Me too. The movies stay true to the comics, and they have good plotlines. Superman and Fantastic Four were good too."

Gil glanced at Nick then went back to watching the movie. He missed a lot and from the looks, it wasn't the first movie. "Which one is this?"

"Two."

Gil nodded and focused on the action and flying cars. At some point he looked at the clock and realized he still had an hour until the meeting. Nick had wrapped his arms around him at one point and kept rubbing his back and stomach through his shirt.

The movie ended and the credits started to roll and Gil realized he didn't even remember how it ended. Nick kept touching him and teasing him under the blanket the whole time. Nick started lightly kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt.

"Think we have enough time for a quickie," Nick whispered in his ear.

Nick's breath was hot and tickling. Gil smiled and turned his head to meet Nick's kiss. His arms went around Nick and pulled him closer. Hands caressed his over his chest and back, sliding down as far as they could then back up again. Their tongues rubbed and excited each other sending every erotic caress down to their growing hard cocks.

When they came up for breath, Gil realized he was on his back. Nick was staring down at him; brown eyes so dark they appeared black. He stared back into them and his pants got tighter just from the look. Nick smiled then stood and started getting undressed.

Gil watched as Nick removed his shirt and kicked off his shoes. Nick was a sight to behold: his body wasn't perfect, but it was better than his own. Nick had a few scars that he had traced his hands over, and some parts of his skin weren't as tan as other parts. His eyes traveled over Nick as new skin was exposed as he took off his pants and was left only in his tented boxers.

Nick's eyes landed on his and Gil's mouth went dry. As Nick knelt over him, tracing his hands over his body, Gil realized he was still dressed, and that was wrong with Nick not. He sat up and unbuttoned the top three buttons of his shirt then pulled it over his head and threw it somewhere in the direction of the floor. His shoes came next as Nick reached down and took care of them and his socks.

Nick grinned as he straddled Gil's hips and unbuckled his belt. Gil leaned up, supported on his elbows, and watched as Nick threw the belt to the floor then start unzipping his pants. Nothing was more erotic in Gil's mind than watching the slow display of compassion, passion, and lust all entangled in one action. Nick could have just tore his shirt off and quickly pulled his pants down, but instead he took his time to show there was no hurry and whatever happens happened.

He had to push himself up to kiss Nick but Nick leaned down and met him halfway. Their lips met and Gil groaned into it. It was soft and loving, no power or control about it.

"Lay back," Nick whispered in Gil's ear once they parted.

Gil did as he was told and laid back on the couch. He was thankful Nick had a wide, long couch, because this could have been awkward. Nick finished unzipping the pants, freeing the painfully hard cock from its tight prison. He almost jumped at the sudden, warm hands on his hips.

Nick grinned wider as his hands traveled under the waistband of and pants and slowly and carefully pulled them down then off. He let the pants drop off the side of the couch then regained his position straddling Gil's hips before leaning down, pressing his body against Gil's, and kissed him deeply.

Gil lost all brain power as Nick's strong hands found their way under his boxers and messaged his erection. He involuntarily bucked up into the hand and pulled Nick closer. There was nothing better than hot, sweaty bodies moving against each other. He felt cold and realized he was completely naked.

The kiss broke and he looked down to see that Nick was completely naked too. His hard cock was rubbing his and Gil had to bit his lips to keep from moaning too loud. Nick was panting on his neck and positioning him differently.

"Want you...neeeeed you," Nick stressed the 'need' part as he bent moved further down, kissing his way, and positioned himself between Gil's legs.

Nick took a lick at his head first causing him to choke on a scream. Then teased the underside of it and he knew if Nick kept doing that he'd come in a second. Nick stopped and gave a long stroke with his warm tongue along the shaft, bottom up, then engulfed it.

Gil bucked and gave a short yell at the same time. The slow, agonizing sucks and rolling of his balls was unbearable. His hands stroked through Nick's short hair as he closed his eyes and just felt and listened. That was more sensuous than watching. Nick's warm, wet tongue working wonders, smooth hands touching and caressing, smell of sex and sweat...then...then Nick rubbed at his opening and stuck a finger in.

And he froze. Then Nick stopped.

"Gil?"

Gil opened his eyes and looked at Nick who was now directly in front of him. Nick's eyes were concerned, like they always were when he froze during sex.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have tired this soon since the last time." Nick was pleading for Gil to know that it was okay. "It's okay." He said again, just like the last time this happened.

Gil shook his head from its daze and looked over at the clock. "I've got to go." He sat up, taking Nick along with him and picked up his clothes and quickly dressed, cock now limp. He searched for his shoes and found them at opposite side of the couch.

"We can work on this, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. You're not there yet...that's okay, Gil. I'm not going to leave you because of this," Nick told Gil as he dressed himself, but slower.

"I know." Gil picked up his keys. He gave Nick a quick kiss on the mouth then before Nick could say "I love you", he was out the door.

Nick stared at the closed door then hit his head against it. What was he thinking? It's been a month, and Gil still froze when he tried taking it further. Gil was fine with everything else, but he still freaked when it came to that. He could give himself up to Gil and enjoyed Gil fucking him into the mattress, but Gil couldn't give himself up to him.

He kicked the door and banged his head again. What was he thinking?


8888888888


Two hours later he was back home from his staff meeting. When he walked into the family room on the way to the kitchen to make a quick late lunch he smiled because it was empty of boxes. But his smile faded when he entered the kitchen and saw chaos. "What are you doing?"

Nick looked over at Gil from the stove. "Cooking..."

Gil frowned at the complete disarray in the kitchen. Pots and pans were piled in the sink, food containers, boxes, and wrappers were covering the kitchen island, and the stove had three pans and a pot cooking on it. "What may I inquire are you making? If I'm not mistaken only two people live here and are both fine with sandwiches."

Nick looked around with a frown of his own then it changed into a pouting innocent look when he locked eyes with Gil. "It's the Stokes Family Famous Chili."

"I've made chili before and I didn't use more than one pot and pan," Gil said as he walked further into the kitchen. At the confused look he got on Nick's face he couldn't help but sigh and smile. He wrapped his arms around Nick and kissed the back of his neck. "I bet you don't even know how to make chili with only one pot and pan."

Nick smiled then went back to stirring the onions. "No, I don't. This is what I grew up on, and I bet it's ten times better than what you eat."

Gil smiled and watched Nick multitask on the onions, meat, and peppers. He figured the pot had what were in the dirty pots and pans in the sink. "I'll start cleaning."

"Thanks babe," Nick said as he leaned back then gave Gil a sideways kiss.

"Babe," Gil asked as he let go of Nick and started clearing off the island.

Nick smiled over his shoulder at him. "Yeah, I'm trying to come up with a loving endearment. Don't put the cheese up."

Gil put the cheese back down then opened the refrigerator door with his foot then processed to sort through the contents in his hands. "So you choose 'babe'?"

"It's not a choice, yet. I'm seeing what fits. You need to come up with one for me."

Gil smiled to himself as he tried to remember where everything went. "I have on for you, Nicky."

"Nicky isn't a loving endearment, it's a nickname. I like it, don't get me wrong, but I mean something like..."

"Peanut." Gil titled his head back so he could see Nick from behind the door. "That's not a loving endearment, it's a nut."

Nick laughed and turned off on off the burners then proceeded to dump the fired onions into the meat, then the peppers, added more water and put a lid on it. "I said that to not get called out by the FBI. And it is too a loving endearment, like honey. You got something against honey?"

Gil stood and shut the fridge door. "Yeah. It's confusing, like peanut. Food or other edible things should not be loving endearments."

Nick was shaking his head in amusement and disbelief. "Okay, Mister Know-it-all, give me a loving endearment."

Gil smirked. "My love, sweetheart, darling, hell, partner is more endearing than peanut."

Nick shook his head. "So, boyfriend to you is an endearment."

"Nick...anything you call me when you love me is an endearment, I'm just saying I don't like some because they confuse me. If you say "I love you, peanut" it makes me think you're offering."

Nick laughed as he turned back to the stove. "Okay no peanut, crazy man who needs a shave. So can that be an endearment if I'm saying it because I love you?"

"Yes, and I don't need a shave. You might." Gil rubbed the stubble on Nick's face as he passed. "Speaking of needing things, we need to go shopping something soon."

"I know, I know...nag. Hey," Nick yelled as water splashed on his face. "All water stays in the sink."

"Nag is never an endearment," Gil shot back at Nick as he filled the sink with water and dish soap. He looked back over his shoulder at Nick.

He picked up the dishcloth and started mindlessly cleaning the dishes as he thought about the issues that were keeping him from sleeping, and what made him leave in such a hurry earlier.

For the past month their sexual progress in the relationship didn't progress at all, at least for Nick. Nick kept saying that it didn't matter, but it did matter when he tried doing things more submissive for Nick and froze, completely froze. He knew how much Nick wanted and needed to bury himself into him; it was the same intense need and want he had to bury himself into Nick. And he froze every time they tried to take it that far with him, and it was getting worse because...because it was nothing Nick did to cause it but he was getting the feeling Nick was thinking it was his fault somehow.

Every time he froze and they had to switch to doing something different he sensed that maybe Nick was getting inpatient; he also thought that it made Nick feel guilty for even trying. He trusted Nick with his life, but he still couldn't for some reason trust him with his heart and body. The thought that Nick would leave him eventually was still in the back of his mind, and the lacking in the sexual department made it stick its ugly head out more often then it should.

He went on to drying and putting the pots away. Nick had finished with the last pan and he accepted it and cleaned it quickly and put it up.

"The chili is done," Nick said as he tossed the dishtowel on the island and smiled over at Gil. "Want to do something before work?"

Gil stared at Nick as he thought about it. "I...uh, don't know. Did you have something in mind?"

Nick smiled. "No, it's just that I haven't seen you in two days from working a triple and this morning when I crashed in bed doesn't count, neither does before. I mean, really just spend time together with no added pressure of anything."

Gil shrugged. "We can do something, spend...quality time together. After we eat we can watch another movie or something."

"You make the popcorn this time," Nick joked then went to get out the bowls and silverware. "Want to eat at the table or in the living room?"

"Doesn't matter to me." Gil watched Nick dish out the chili into the bowls then took the one offered to him. "Table's fine."

Nick nodded and picked up his own bowl and grabbed the bag of Tortillas because according to him they tasted better than crackers with any type of chili. He sat across from Gil at the table and started eating. "Actually, can, uh, we talk instead."

Gil glanced up at Nick as he took a bite and nodded. The chili tasted better than any he ever had. "This is really good."

"Thanks." Nick smiled up at Gil. He cleared his throat then gave Gil a wry smile. "Since we're starting to learn more personal thing about each other, there's something I need to tell you."

"Oh." Gil's tension increased. If there was something going on with Nick he wanted to know so he could be aware of it and at least try to help.

"Yeah, it's uh...kind of big," Nick said a little hesitant. Gil was really studying him then; his curious blue eyes roamed his face before he gave a nod. He took that as a sign to start. "Before you freak out know that everything is okay now, so no need to panic."

Gil didn't know what to think about that last statement. He'd known Nick for eight years and never seen him that nervous before. "I'm listening and I won't judge you, Nicky." He hoped his words soothed Nick's worries some, and with Nick smiling over at him maybe it did.

"I know what it feels like to be...violated and the guilt from that. Thinking it was your fault that it happened." Nick locked eyes with Gil and when he didn't see anything but confusion and concern, he continued. "When I was nine, I was sexually assaulted by a last minute babysitter. The fear and guilt that it was my fault kept me from telling my parents or family, for a very long time. I told Catherine during a case because I was getting too emotional. It wasn't until I went back home after the stalker incident that I told my parents." He breathed out and finally sat back in his chair.

Gil swallowed hard and blinked back tears then finally nodded. It took all his control to not knock the table over in anger. How could someone put all that fear, guilt, disgust, and sadness into a child? He didn't know what to say to Nick. 'I'm sorry' sounded redundant. "A man's character is his fate." As soon as he said it he wanted to take it back.

Nick frowned and stared at him. "You telling me you think that happened on purpose?"

Gil really hated trying to relate to people. "No." He breathed out and shook his head. "I was just trying to say that the person you are today, is who you're meant to be. And the man you are was made by your life experiences, however good or bad." God, he was digging himself deeper and deeper into that hole. Nick really needed to say something so he'd know where he stood.

Nick just smiled and shook his head. "Gil, just...stop rambling. I think you're right. Because of that awful experience, I'm the man I am today. So, just stop, please. You're embarrassing yourself."

Gil sighed and leaned back in his seat. "I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability."

Nick laughed. "Isn't that the truth. Who said that?"

"Oscar Wilde." Gil smiled over at Nick who leaned over the table for a quick kiss. "Don't get chili on your shirt."

"I'm trying not too. You're just too damn hard to resist." Nick sat back and began eating again. After a few minutes he looked up at Gil who was just stirring his food around in the bowl. "I didn't mean to ruin lunch."

Gil glanced up at Nick from staring at the bowl. "I'm fine. Wasn't thinking about that, just occupied with things."

Nick nodded. "Do you want to share?"

Gil shook his head and reached in the chip bag and ate one.

"You know, I was expecting you to maybe talk to me since...I shared." Nick was watching Gil and had been noticing Gil slipping back into his bad habits again. He was starting to forget to eat again and smoking more. Gil had actually stopped for two weeks then started again. And Gil also hadn't been sleeping or hardly talking but that was now normal even if it was hurting Gil.

The spoon Gil was using to stir the chili hit the side of the bowl as he dropped it. His chair scooted back and he got up and left the room.

Nick hurried out of his seat and followed. "I wasn't telling you that just to make you talk, Gil. I just thought after I told you that maybe you'll understand that I know what's goin' on in your head and maybe you might actually talk to me."

Gil stopped on the steps to the basement and faced Nick. "I talk to you."

Nick sighed and crossed his arms. Whenever Nick tried to get Gil to talk, Gil would retreat to the basement and stay there for hours until one of them had to leave. He at first let Gil do it because he didn't want to start a fight when he was adjusting to his new job and the city and Gil's new job and just...everything. "You talk, yeah, about cases, about classes and what lecture you're putting together. The last time you talked about anything personal or affecting you was in Texas, and that was more of a rant then actually trying to deal with your problem."

"I don't have a problem," Gil retorted.

Nick shook his head. "Gil...I don't want to get into this with you, but you haven't resolved anything. Shit like that doesn't just go away. Yeah, it may stop being at the front of your mind when you're working or reading or with your bugs, but it's still there."

"It's ov--"

"Don't" Nick yelled out that command. "Don't. It's not over, Gil. You know it, I know it. Stop living in fucking denial and let me help you deal with this."

Gil stood staring at Nick for a long time. Nick wasn't budging and if he didn't talk now Nick would just make him mad until he snapped again, like he did in Texas, which was no way to have a conversation. But...but he couldn't talk about it. He didn't know how to. When he wanted to share he just did it, no thought about it. And when he didn't, he just didn't. "I don't want to talk, Nick. I don't even want to think about it. I know that I'm oblivious to a lot of stuff, but that's because I can't understand them or deal with them so I choose to ignore it."

"That's why I'm here, Gil! I'm your partner and as your partner I listen and try to help you deal, try to help you understand what you don't. I'm not going to ignore this and just think everything is okay. I'm..." Nick trailed off as he realized what he was going to say and what that implied. It wasn't Gil's fault, he ignored what Robert did and just went along with it, but it wasn't his fault.

Gil swallowed hard and stared at the steps below him. Tears and anger were welling up because Nick didn't have to say it; he knew the words that were going to follow that. Nick wasn't like him. Nick didn't let bad shit happen to him even though he knew better. Nick learned from his experiences and didn't repeat them, while he couldn't do anything but repeat them because he never tried to get on with his life afterwards.

He shut his heart off and stopped trying to date men and instead just went along with any woman who fascinated him. Then when a man did come along it wasn't about love or trying to make anything work, it was just physical and that was it. Nick needed all of him and he knew he couldn't give that, not now...and maybe not ever because he let one man into his life who destroyed everything he ever felt and had that was remotely considered love.

But Nick, he went on with his life, still did. Gil was certain he would have pulled that trigger in that box long before his air ran out, but Nick fought and struggled like he did his whole life. He never fought for anything but his team and the evidence, but never for himself because he never saw the point. One day he'd just be gone and he would only leave the people who he taught and trained and tried to lead behind.

"Nick..." Gil swallowed the lump in his throat once he heard how hoarse it was. Why did he have to be emotional now? He never was emotional but always in control. Where was his control? "I'm, I'm not..."

Nick was wrapping his arms around his shoulders and pulling him the two steps back up the stairs. Once he was standing pressed against Nick's body he'd realized he was shaking.

"Maybe, you need professional help, Gil. God I hate to say that, but...I don't think I alone can help you," Nick's voice was soft and safe, making Gil hug tighter. "I'll be there with you when I can and here when you're home. I won't leave you, Gil. For better or worse I love you and will support you until I can't anymore."

Gil was nodding into Nick's shoulder. He didn't like seeing doctors, but...he didn't know what to do. They had to house to fix up; he could do that. "The upstairs needs painting."

Nick pulled back a little and kissed Gil on his forehead then temple. "Don't worry about that now. I'll call around and see if I can find a psychiatrist..."

Gil was shaking his head. "I don't want anymore drugs, Nicky. After my stitches finally healed and I didn't need anything except regular pain medicine, I decide no more pills except for migraines."

Nick was smiling at him. "That's good, so...a psychologist then. They only listen and can't prescribe anything."

Gil glanced down at the floor then finally nodded.

"And don't worry about money, I think between us both we got it covered," Nick said before he kissed Gil on the lips then went into the living room.

"Hey," Gil called after Nick. "Call the department office and tell them I won't be in and to cancel my classes."

Nick nodded. "Okay, last minute emergency good enough?"

Gil nodded and watched Nick go before he shut the basement door and headed upstairs. Drop cloths lined the floor and blue tape outlined the doorframes and every trim. Different colored paint buckets were in each room, they were what they decided on for each room. They just hadn't started painting yet.

He headed for his mother's old room and opened the windows. The air was a lot colder in January but it was still descent. The color they picked for the office, which this room as definitely going to be, was a red/orange mix. Nick knew the exact name for it, he just called it red.

He threw his shirt out the door and picked up the roller and started to go through the process of painting the room. The need to do something was overwhelming and this was the only physical thing he could do. Nick was talking to his the department office and calling around for good psychologist for him.

His muscles flexed and started strong as he rolled the paint roller over one wall. He remembered his Uncle Tim teaching him how to paint when he was only ten, but it stayed with him. The process was a routine and calming even though it wore down inexperienced arm muscles in a matter of minutes.

The red/orange mix covered every inch of one wall and he went back over it with a second coat. Then he'd move on the next three walls, focusing on the technique and stiffing arms and slight tiredness form. He could willpower his way through three walls. The ceiling is what would make him tired, even if he had a ladder.

Before he knew it his arms were heavy, feet and back ached, and his hands were forming blisters. A knock came from the door and when he opened it he wasn't expecting Nick to be behind it with another man he had never seen before.

"This is Doctor Evans, he insisted on coming over and meeting us both before he decide what is the best option," Nick told Gil as he kept trying to look in the room. "Nice job."

"Thanks." Gil was eyeing the doctor then suddenly realizing he was covered with paint. "Sorry...for the appearance."

"It's all right," Doctor Evans said, "I caught you in the middle of painting. If you want time to clean up me and Mr. Stokes can go and talk."

Gil thought about that and looked at Nick then nodded. "I'll be five minutes."



Five minutes exactly Gil was jogging down the steps, hair still wet and dressed in grey slacks and a black polo shirt. He greeted the doctor at the dining room table and sat across from him, Nick was at the head of the table.

Doctor Evans started. "I just want to ensure you that even this conversation is confidential, so don't worry."

"How many patients do you have," Gil inquired.

"More than average, we specialize in a lot of areas."

"So, you have a more than average cliental and I'm supposed to feel confident that I won't be blown off," Gil shot back.

Nick was just watching the exchange. If Gil didn't feel comfortable with a doctor then he wasn't going to push them on him.

"I have several certified psychologist, qualified nurses, and two interns working under me. I have a 95% recovery rate. Trust me, I will work with you and your partner to make sure we do everything we can to help you deal with whatever is troubling you." Doctor Evans sat back in the seat and waited.

Gil was studying the doctor and his movements along with his voice and what he said. He looked at Nick who was obviously impressed and giving him an encouraging smile. "Where's your office?"

"San Francisco."

Gil leaned forward on the table, further toward the doctor. "San Francisco? That's a five hour drive."

Doctor Evans smiled and shrugged. "More or less, but you'll only have to make it once. Nick's the one who has to take it the any other time. If you go voluntary, you can leave whenever you want."

Gil sat back in his chair and stared hard at the doctor as the words sunk in. They weren't just talking about meetings or office visits. He tried swallowing the lump in his throat but it wouldn't go away. Arms wrapped around him from the back and he sighed into them. "Mental hospital?"

"It's more of a clinic," Nick said into his shoulder. "After talking with different doctors they all felt this was the best thing."

Gil closed his eyes and stiffened in Nick's arms. "I...don't need that, do I? I mean, it's not that..."

Nick was shaking his head on his shoulder. "Will you promise not to run away if you weren't being helped all the time? Will you promise to talk to me out of meetings and not give me the cold shoulder? Gil, you replace one bad habitat with another because you actually think you deserve it. And I don't think you can actually feel and understand what's going on half the time."

Gil turned and focused that hard stare on Nick. "I do understand."

"Do you love me," Nick asked as he stared right back.

Gil frowned and nodded.

"Say it."

Gil looked away and began to speak, but nothing came out. He just stared at the table instead.

Nick sighed into Gil's neck. "And the thing is, Gil. It's not about you not being able to say it. It's about you picturing Robert in your head when you try to."

Gil suddenly looked up at Nick. He was right. Everything Nick did it was being compared, but he was still blinded by the past. Nick could do everything he was supposed to do and he'd still think it was some kind of control and Nick would leave him. And every time he thought about saying "I love you" to Nick, another man's face would be in his head and he could never say it for fear that Nick was a lie.

God was he fucked up.

"A mental hospital," Gil mumbled again. "For how long?"

"However long it takes," Doctor Evans spoke up. "But, the first contract is usually for two weeks to determine what the problem is and figure out how to go from there. Sometimes, a patient can go home after the two weeks and just do outpatient treatment with regular meetings."

"But...sometimes they stay there longer?" Gil tried clearing his restricting throat and swallow to make it not so dry and painful.

"Yes, other patients need inpatient help, but I'm not saying that will happen here. You're a very intelligent man and have a lot of things to be happy about."

Gil nodded then seemed to make some kind of decision. "I'll...I'll do it." Nick's embrace got tighter and he felt Nick starting to shake. He looked behind him and saw Nick's buried head in his shoulder, and he felt wetness on his shoulder. Nick was crying.

He didn't know what to say but he turned in his seat and hugged Nick back.

"I'll..." Doctor Evans excused himself and went into the living room and sat down.

Gil pulled Nick to his feet from his kneeling position behind the chair. He was surprised that he was the one not cry his eyes out and crumbling to the ground like that. "Nick."

Nick nodded on his shoulder.

Gil searched for anything to say, but was coming up short. His own brain wasn't functioning either. "I need to pack."

Nick nodded again, his grip never relaxing. "Don't hate me for this, Gil. Please, this was the only option I had to make you..." he choked on a sob and Gil's arms around him began to rub his back.

"I'd never hate you, Nick. You didn't do this...I brought it on myself." Gil relaxed into Nick as those words played back in his head. He didn't do this to himself. It'd be growing for years and now...Now he was with someone who instead of just leaving, stuck with him and made sure he got the best help. "Thank you, Nicky."

Nick sobbed louder but Gil swore he felt Nick smile on his shoulder. When Nick pulled his head up and looked at Gil, all he saw the same loving compassion that had always been there. And it wrecked him to see the tears still forming and falling from those eyes.

"We, you, have to pack. I'll help." Nick nodded to himself then turned and pulled Gil with him toward the guest room. "Ten minutes, doc?"

"There's no rush," Doctor Evans called from the other room.

Nick shut the door behind him then turned around and kissed Gil deeply and tenderly. It wasn't to excite but to tell Gil that he wasn't going anywhere. He was sorry, but he loved him. He had fears too but could manage because Gil was a great guy who loved him but just didn't know who to let that out.

They breathed out hard on each other through their noses, each wanting to drag the kiss out as long as they could. It felt right to Gil, and more than just a kiss. He wanted to always feel that with Nick; that things were right even when they were arguing, or having sex, or just being together in silence. But sometimes he felt it wasn't when they were yelling, or trying to have sex, or just being together in silence. And noting had anything to do with Nick. Deep down he knew he loved Nick, deep down he just didn't know if he loved himself.

That was why he was fucked up.

The kiss broke and Gil immediately wrapped his arms around Nick's waist again. "You sure that guy can help me?"

Nick nodded into his neck. He tried to rub away the tremors and tension still present in Gil.

"What if he tries to tell me that we...our relationship is wrong or isn't worth it."

Nick raised his had so he was eye level with Gil. "He won't." Gil's look was concerned at best and he was trying not to cry. Nick wondered if Gil ever would.

"How can you be certain?"

Nick smiled and kissed Gil again on the lips. "He's gay."

Gil blinked back and nodded. He looked around the room behind Nick then finally let his hands fall. "Is my suitcase still in the closet?"

For the next ten minutes Nick helped Gil pack two weeks worth of stuff. Gil had dropped things several times because his hands were still shaking, but his face was as solid as usual. But his eyes, his eyes spoke volumes. Fear, anger, uncertainty, doubt, respect, and even love when he would watch Nick pick up whatever he dropped and give him a warm smile.

"You have everything? Reading glasses?"

Gil nodded and followed Nick out the door. "Does he know I get migraines?"

"I do now." Doctor Evans smiled at them both. "Don't worry; I'll make sure you have whatever medicine you need. Also, Nick mentioned you didn't want to take anymore prescription pills, we advise against using any prescription drugs during the first two weeks. Some patients would require some kind of drug, others won't. But it is all choice to have them or not."

Gil smiled slightly then sighed.

Nick nodded to the doctor it was time to go. He pulled the suitcase behind him and took a hold of Gil's hand s they walked out the front door. He loaded the suitcase in the back of his truck and smiled over at Gil. "I'm following him so you can ride with me. Is that okay, doc?"

"Yeah. I trust you to not turn around. You have my cell number right?"

Nick nodded. "If anything happens, I'll call."

Gil climbed into the passenger seat and buckled himself in.

Nick quickly got in and started the truck. "San Fran, he we come."

Gil glanced over at Nick and watched the scenery go by. His closed his eyes after a while and relaxed against the seat. The CD player was on random and playing Coldplay's "Swallowed in the Sea". He dozed as he listened to the music and eventually feel asleep.

Nick was still worried about the whole situation, but he knew that Gil needed this. If he didn't get any help, their relationship would always feel wrong to Gil then eventually he knew he would leave. And he didn't want to give up on Gil Grissom. He loved Gil and he'd support him even if he ever stopped loving him. But Gil deserved the chance, and so did he.

They owed each other the world.

***

Next story in series - Illuminations.

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