Title: Echoing Enigma
By: alucardskitten
Pairing: Horatio/Speed
Rating: R
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I own nothing. CSI: Miami and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation belong to whomever they belong to. The songs belong to Enigma and Micheal Cretu.
Authors Notes: This was supposed to be a Eric Delko/Timothy Speedle fic but for some reason it didn't work out. Then I was going to make it Speed/Greg Sanders- but my muse demanded that I write a Horatio/Speed fic. So, here is the first part and I hope you enjoy. Ah, and it is extremely disjointed... it's supposed to be.
Summary: Angst fest. Tim loves Eric and Eric doesn't love him. It's Horatio to the rescue... sort of.

***

Chapter 1: Close Your Eyes

((Close your eyes, just feel and realize. It is real and not a dream… I'm in you and you're in me. It is time, to break the chains of life, if you fall out you will see, what's beyond reality.))

Warm water trickled down his body as he tried to wash the dirt and grime off of his skin. It was one of those days, when the case followed him home. One of those days when he wore his heart on his sleeve so badly that it made him look foolish and hotheaded. It was one of those days when he knew that he would probably have to do some fast talking to pull his ass out of the fire—but he was willing to take that chance, to reach out, because everyone else was so goddamned distance. It tore him up inside to see the victims so pained without an ounce of compassion directed towards them. So, he had taken a chance and he had reached out… because the case hit so close to home. They had to determine whether it was an accident or not. But someone went water skiing, hit something, and was paralyzed. She died from complications a couple of hours after surgery. He had taken her best friend out for a drink. This had caused him to get a bit of fire from the higher ups. Even his boss was pissed, but there was nothing he could do because he felt so bad for her. He had to do it, because he knew how it felt to be in that situation. He knew that feeling of abandonment… he knew that feeling of betrayal. There was absolutely nothing that he could do to persuade himself not to take her out. Of course—the others didn't understand. Horatio would have understood—but his brother's murdered had been caught. It was worse when it was an accident. If it was not an accident there was someone to blame—when it was an accident, though, there was no one to blame and more often than not—the one who lived found themselves blaming themselves. It was a horrible feeling and he had to be there for her… because he knew what it felt like to be all alone when something like that happened. He wasn't afraid to let everyone know that he had done that willingly. But still, they didn't seem to understand. With his mind racing and his eyes glistening with unshed tears, Timothy Speedle exited the shower and toweled himself off absent-mindedly. His curly hair was matted down to his head with the water, but Speed, as he was called by his friends, quickly changed that by drying it off as well. Soon, his entire body was dry again and he pulled on a pair of sweat pants. He was comfortable. Unlike most nights though, he was feeling an immense amount of guilt. So, he did what he always did when he began to feel this way. He pulled the half quart of Moose Tracks ice cream out of the refrigerator freezer and grabbed a spoon from the silverware drawer.

Speed walked over to his movie cabinet and pulled out an old favorite. He popped it into his VCR and began to watch it. He curled up on his couch, opened the ice cream, and began to gorge himself. He knew that the ice cream was bad for him, but he couldn't help it. He was feeling so down—and with no one to physically comfort him—he wasn't sure where to turn. A previously unshed tear made its slow trek down his cheek, followed soon by another one. Soon, he was openly crying, forgetting about the half quart of ice cream sitting in his lap. He set the spoon in the container and buried his head in both hands. Soon, the silent tears turned into loud sobs which racked his body with every one. He curled up into himself, assuming the fetal position. He wasn't sure what to do anymore and every extra second he spent alone, wallowing in his pity, his pain got worse and worse. He knew that he was close to his breaking point. He also knew that his knives had been sharpened recently. He contemplated that method for a minute, before deciding that death by his fire arm would be more convenient and quick… less painful. Fortunately for Speed, whose thoughts were treading down dark roads, he had not the will power to eat his gun or to inflict any harm upon himself. He just couldn't do it. The pain that he was feeling though was unbearable. Maybe, it was time to face down the demons of his past. Though he knew that he couldn't. There were too many things back there which forced him to shy away from that. He sighed and focused once again on the movie playing on his screen.

The age old movie he was watching was "Breakfast at Tiffany's" with Audrey Hepburn. It was not his favorite part and he looked down at the quart of ice cream. Sensing that his position in life was not going to get much better, he dove back into his Moose Tracks. Eric Delko, his best friend and co-worker, had harassed him a lot about his weight, especially since he didn't fit the typical standards of what a "real" man should look like. Speed snorted into his carton of ice cream. Even after everything that had happened, he still considered Delko his best friend. After all that had happened between the two of them, Speedle felt no less in love with him than he had before. In some far reach, pathetic center of his mind, he felt more love now. For some reason, the rejection and one night stand that had been born of Speedle's confession to Eric just made the emotions he felt that much stronger. It was pathetic actually. What Speed could not figure out was why Eric had moved things along as though nothing had happened. Their relationship, friend wise, seemed to be flourishing. There was even a lighter spring in his step. All of those questions had been answered this day.

Of all days it had to be this one, the day he got heat from his boss for caring about the loved one of the victim. Horatio, of all people, should have understood what it was like to not be able to control emotional involvement. He had to know what it was like to feel those stirrings of an animalistic and baser emotion of anger pulled on the heart strings. He knew that Horatio had to know—and of all the people who would crawl on his back for something like that. With an indignant, childish, and petulant sigh, Speedle tried to refocus his attention on the movie. However, his self-pity party had taken over his mind and there was no backing away from his feelings. But, on top of being bitched at by his superior—other news has ruined his day even more.

He had found out the real reason why Delko had turned him down. No, it was not even that insomuch. In truth, Eric had not turned him down. Eric had said yes, initially. He and Speed had had a nice roll in the sheets. The next morning, before work, Tim had woken up alone in his bed. A small note was attached to his pillow that was a note that basically said, "I'm flattered, I had a nice time, but no thanks. See you around at work." Speed felt the beginnings of tears beginning to sting his eyes as he thought about the note. The depth of his obsession with Eric went so far that he kept the note, just because it smelt faintly of clove, the scent that seemed to cling to Eric no matter how much cologne he put on or how many showers he took.

But today, Eric had told him about his lover—his boyfriend. He remembered the conversation oh so well, it played like some demonic broken tape inside of his mind. Closing his eyes only made it sharper, plugging his ears only made it louder. It was twisting around in his mind like a venomous snake, writhing within his mind. It had so poisoned his mind that by the end of the shift he could think of nothing but the conversation. Being berated by Horatio had just made the snake tighten its constricting grasp around his brain. It was just another bite, filled with deadly poison, and left to simmer and boil in his mind. It was like a large pot inside his head with a hodge podge of ingredients that were specifically made to enrage and sicken.

"Speed?" Eric's voice was softer than normal. For some reason a sick feeling had settled into Speed's stomach. Irregardless, the CSI/Detective turned to face his colleague/love-interest. Speed stared into the endless chocolate irises that were beset like jewels in the statue of some ancient tribal god. He deeply admired every aspect of his friend—too much, most likely.

"Yes?" Speed asked, thrusting his normal joy and friendliness into his voice. It was forced, he knew it, he was pretty sure that Eric knew it too. Speed knew that he wasn't going to like what was coming. He was sure of it.

"You remember Catherine Willows and Warrick Brown… from Las Vegas?" He asked, his voice sounded weighted down. Tim wondered if something had happened to the two of them. But there was something else… he noticed that Eric would not meet his eyes. With a slight sigh, Tim steeled himself for the worst. Whatever it was, it could not be all that bad. However, Eric's next comment was not only like a kick in the mouth—but it was also like a bucket of ice water being dumped over his head in the middle of January in Michigan. Tim nodded slowly.

"I've been seeing Warrick since before he left… I mean, dating him. We fly to the others place of resident alternating weekends. We've been engaged in a relationship for almost two years…" Eric said, still not meeting Tim's gaze.

Back in the reality of his thoughts, Tim curled up tighter into himself and began to sob into his arm. Hot tears gushed out from his eyes before he could think to try and stop them. Sobs racked his not so small frame. Finally, he succumbed to the grief in his heart… and he went to write a letter.

° . °

Horatio, in an uncommon act of compassion towards his team, had made his way over to his long time co-worker's house. The door was shut tight against any visitors it seemed, all lights except for one in the kitchen were out. The tell-tale glow of a flickering television screen glowed eerily in the slightly parted lace-like curtains. Something told Horatio that something was amiss and given his profession, he had learned long ago to always trust instinct. Horatio rapped lightly on the door and seeing as there was no answer, he drew his firearm and opened the door as quietly as he could. He was surprised to find Speed, hunched over his computer, focused on nothing but the computer screen. His fingers were flying rapidly over the keyboard and occasionally, he would mutter to himself. To Horatio, it was nonsensical ramblings… to Speed, it was his life crumbling around his ears.

Speed was intently focused on his computer screen. He glanced down at the bottom of his screen and noticed that his suicide note was reaching three pages. He sighed aloud, a sound that almost brought tears to Horatio's eyes, and leaned back away from his computer. He stretched himself out languidly, and Horatio felt a stirring within his body. Quietly, he moved behind the younger man, wondering what it would feel like to feel that soft looking skin underneath his fingers. A shiver of desire ran through him. He had never felt a desire this strong pull him, his fingers were almost twitching at the thought of running themselves over his baby soft skin. His eyes darkened slightly and he read over the younger man's shoulder. Because of the way it was positioned he couldn't read too much of it. But what he could see was enough to make the blood drain from his face and his heart to ache for the younger man. He also knew, right away, that it was a suicide note. Horatio finally settled his slight, rough hands on to Tim's shoulders.

His hands began to massage a gentle pattern on the younger man's broad shoulders. Speed groaned low in his throat, instantly succumbing to the feeling of warm probing hands on his overtly tense back. A low purr began to grow in the base of Speed's throat. Abruptly, though, Horatio stopped. With a force rougher than he normally had, he spun Speed around to face him. His slight hands gripped the man's chin with unknowing force.

"What the FUCK were you thinking!" Horatio exploded, the anger bursting forth through his words and his motions. The anger seemed to tense up the older man's body. Speed stared at him, wide-eyed with fear. He was not used to his boss being so angry with him. Horatio bore his green-blue eyes into Speedle's dark brown ones. They stayed there like that for what seemed like eternity, even though it was only mere seconds.

"I promise you, Timothy Speedle, that I will never let anything hurt you. As long as I draw breath within this body, I will keep you safe. I cannot promise to deflect you from everything, but I promise we will work through everything. I love you, Timothy Speedle… and I cannot let you leave me like this…" Horatio said, keeping his eyes locked into Speeds. With those words out of Horatio's mouth, the last shreds of Speed's control left him and for the second time that night—he collapsed into helpless sobs.

***

Chapter 2: The Experience of Survival

((Look around just people, can you hear the voice, find the one who guides you, to the limits of your choice. And if you're in the eye of the storm, just think of a lonely dove. The experience of survival is the key—to the Gravity of Love))

The sun filtering through the unfixed crack in the blinds caused Speedle to fully wake up. The sunlight was beaming directly into his eyes, causing the reflex of flinching and one hand coming up quickly to block his eyes. His eyes, remained closed however, and he listened to his surroundings. The sound of a gentle, even breathing, drew his attention. He was suddenly aware of warm breath stirring the small hairs at the back of his neck. He was also aware of a pair of lips almost flush against his skin, barely grazing the surface, but close enough to feel the heat. One strong, pale arm was wrapped around his waist, holding him in place. The reddish-blonde hairs that were showing up on his arm made Speed realize that it was Horatio, his boss, in bed with him. Horatio's lean form was pressed up against his backside, almost flush with his body. Though, Horatio was down slightly further, Horatio's head was buried, almost, in the nape of Speed's neck. Another thing he noticed was that his boss was suffering from normal morning male problems and it was poking just below Speed's buttocks. In a slight panic, Speed cast about for what went on the previous night.

However, the fact that he was still in all of his clothing as was Horatio, thoughts that had been obsessed with the ramifications of sleeping with his boss evaporated into thin air. He had not slept with his boss and so, he had no need to worry about ramifications. Then, the conversation with Eric played in his mind, along with the events of last night. He had, for all intents and purposes, been writing a suicide letter. He had been nowhere near done at three pages. He sighed, wondering if suicide was truly, not the way out, with all the people he had written to and was going to write too—it certainly seemed like he had a lot to live for. Horatio had saved him, then yelled at him, then confessed his love and his innate desire to protect him. Speed sighed, a gentle sappy sigh. However, his happiness was short lived and all the color drained from his face. How was he supposed to tell his boss, whom he had sobbed all over for a good half the night, that he was still in love with Eric and had absolutely no love interest in Horatio. Tears sprang to his eyes once again.

Speed hated being as emotional as he was, but his stronger emotions tended to cause tears. Thankfully, he was not sobbing yet and Horatio had not woken up. However, Speed knew that he needed to examine his feelings. He wasn't sure how light of a sleeper his boss was, so he chose to do his thinking spooned up with Horatio in his own bed. The first and foremost thing was that he was still slightly infatuated with Eric. Eric had been his love interest for a long time now, but somewhere in his heart he knew the moment that Eric and Warrick had met, he did not stand a snowball's chance in hell of ever getting with Eric. He wasn't shocked when Eric had finally told him the news—what he was shocked about was why Eric had agreed to sleep with him that night. That, probably, was the thing weighing heaviest on his mind right now. Even if he wasn't in love with Horatio, he still loved Horatio, and the relationship could be born of willingness to experiment, a source for sexual release, and someone whom would share his companionship. When Speed said that sentence to himself in his mind, however, he felt arrogant and self-absorbed. There was no way he was going to lead Horatio on like that, much less for his own selfish desires. He groaned slightly and closed his eyes once again. The sun had hidden behind some clouds and he eased his arm down to lightly pet his boss' arm. He felt how fine the hair on his arm was, judging on appearance it seemed rough, but it was actually quite soft. Speedle soon found out that Horatio's hands were soft as well as they began to trace idle patters on his bare shoulders. Speedle purred low, almost a deep rumbling and he snuggled closer to Horatio. Horatio's grip tightened slightly around his waist, seeming to bespeak of the highest voices of possession. For some reason, that made Speedle's body burn with desire. He felt his skin flush in heated desire, a wave of fire pulsing through his body and boiling through his blood, Horatio felt it too, on some primal level and he opened his eyes a crack.

He was greeted with the sight of small, curly black hairs at the nape of a slightly tanned neck. His lips were almost flush with the tender skin right on the top of the spine. The bone was hard underneath the skin. The skin was burning hot, almost feverish. Gingerly, Horatio drew his tongue along the skin, tasting the salt, sweat, and desire. The taste stirred something deep inside him, making him moan low in his throat. His penis hardened some more, pressing between Speed's thighs. With a low moan, Speedle pressed himself backward, his eyes rolling slightly in the back of his head. His body was on fire now. Horatio began to caress the younger man's biceps as he moaned low, trying to feel out what the younger man wanted. Speedle extricated himself from Horatio's grip, and squirmed around to face his boss. With a small smile, Speedle leaned forward, and kissed Horatio full on the lips…

"Earth to Speedle! Have you been listening to a word I have said?" The accented voice of Calleigh Duquesne sliced through Speedle's thoughts. Speedle shook his head, to get rid of his thoughts and looked at Calleigh. He stared at her and she stared back. Speedle could not stop thinking about the morning. Speedle could not stop thinking about his boss. Speedle… was having problems keeping his mind on his work. Right now, he was 100 positive that he could not even work near Horatio. His blood still simmered when he thought about him and a wave of heat coursed through his body at the slightest glance. Speedle shook his head once more and leveled his gaze at Calleigh. He held up his hands defensively while once again shaking his head.

"Sorry… I… wasn't paying attention." He said. Calleigh rolled her eyes heavenward and sighed. She then turned back towards Speedle, her clear eyes examining him like she could see through his body and straight into his soul. He was tempted to flinch but he couldn't help but be riveted to the spot by her eyes. She stared at him for several long minutes before she once again, shook her head. Speedle shrugged in a nonchalant manner… and then, Horatio walked in.

Guilt mingled with burning desire fell like a lead weight into Speedle's stomach. He knew, deep in his heart, that he had used Horatio. He wanted to take the man again—but his deep love for Eric prevented it from ever happening. He did not want to hurt Horatio—more importantly, he didn't want to hurt himself. He shook his head again and made his careful exit. He did not want to have to face Horatio yet, that would have to come after work… after everyone was gone.

° . °

Horatio finished filing his last case report and he placed it in a manila folder. He stretched his arms above his head and gave a yawn. It had been a long day and a long night the previous night. On top of case work and trying to talk like a normal person to his team… Speedle had been avoiding him. Horatio wondered why but he decided that the only way to find out was to confront him. He followed Speedle out of the building and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Tim?" Horatio ventured softly. Tim turned to face him, his dark eyes showing his emotions of guilt and longing. Horatio's eyebrows knitted together in confusion and he cocked his head to one side, trying to figure out what was going on… and what to say. Speedle stood there, willing himself to just turn away and leave, but he couldn't. He also didn't know how to tell Horatio what he was feeling. He wasn't sure how to tell Horatio that what they had wasn't… anything at all. Horatio was staring at him, concern deep within his eyes… and something else. Speedle couldn't bare to look at them anymore and he looked down at his feet. He stared at his feet for a couple of minutes, mentally going over what to say, trying to think out every possible avenue each conversation would take. Speedle finally looked back at Horatio. Speedle took a deep breath inward.

"Horatio… we… can't do this… I… don't… don't love you…" Speedle choked out, holding back his sobs. He didn't want Horatio to see him cry. Horatio's expression changed from concern and flashed anger before finally resting on pained. Speedle looked away again, not able to take the pain on Horatio's face. He knew that what he had done was wrong… and he felt bad… but he knew it was the truth. "I love Eric…" He blundered on, knowing that each word he said would drive an even deeper stake into Horatio's heart… he also knew that it would cause a pretty big rift. "I'm… I'm so… so… sorry…" He finished, turning away from Horatio. It was only then that he let his tears fall as he walked towards his car. He slid behind the steering wheel of his car and turned the key over in the ignition.

Tears blurred his vision as he backed out of the parking lot. He had to get out of there as fast as he could. He could still see the look on Horatio's face. The tears were streaming down his face, they blurred his vision as he sped down the street, as far away from the crime lab as he could get. He saw a red light, vaguely, and he stopped. He tried to drown out the hurt he was feeling… hurt because Eric didn't love him, guilt for hurting Horatio. Every time he tried to drift away from those thoughts, they came rushing back to the surface, making his face slick with a fresh wave of tears. As the light turned green, Speedle began to make his way towards his apartment. He didn't care anymore, it was the weekend and all he wanted to do was drown in his sorrows… and hopefully, he would be better by Monday.

He continued on towards his place of residence, not noticing the world around him. He didn't have time to register the fact that the light had turned red… and onward he drove, oblivious. He had just snapped out of his reverie when he felt the other car impact his side. His head hit the steering wheel… and then he was plunged into an icy cold darkness.

***

Chapter 3: Too Blind to See the One

((Why it has to be like this. Why we don't realize. Why we're too blind to see the one, who's always on our side. I'm asking why, I'm asking why, Nobody gives an answer
I'm just asking why. Just tell me why… why it has to be like this, that the good ones disappear… I'm asking you why.))

Horatio Caine and Eric Delko turned down onto the street where the accident had been called in. Eric was fidgeting slightly. He had a bad feeling about this accident for some reason. There was some otherworldly force making his stomach knot up as the got to the scene of the crash. The first thing he saw was the license plate number—and his stomach clenched even tighter. He knew that license plate number—knew it almost like his own. And he knew who owned the vehicle it went with as well. He felt sick and he looked at Horatio. Horatio had already exited the car and he was talking to the police officers around. He could tell by his authoritative attitude that he hadn't recognized the car or the license plate number. Eric hoped and prayed he was okay and he exited the car and walked to the ambulance that was on the scene. Eric tried to steady his voice as he showed his badge to the paramedic.

"I need to see the person inside this ambulance… to see if they can tell me anything about what happened." The paramedic nodded and opened the back doors, allowing Eric access to the rear of the truck. He stepped up into the ambulance. It was slightly dark inside; he felt a wave of nausea hit his stomach as his eyes adjusted to the darkness and he saw the pale, drawn, and bruised form of his best friend… Timothy Speedle. He felt the nausea settle in his stomach like a lump of ice and he had to leave the ambulance. He couldn't stay any longer… and he couldn't even get the question out. His vision blurry with unshed tears, Eric stumbled to where Horatio was. His eyes almost blinded with tears, he reached out in front of him, grasping for Horatio.

"Horatio…" Eric emitted a strangled cry that was wrought with pain and suffering. The cop Horatio was talking to looked over at Eric with a disbelieving look. The cop, as it was, thought that Eric was getting too emotional over the people in the accident. It was rarely ever anyone who you knew. He snorted, trying to hold back the laughter he knew was threatening to spill over. Horatio turned to Eric, pulling off his sunglasses to look at the younger man. The pain written all over his face was enough in itself to make Horatio uneasy. He walked closer to Eric and placed a hand on his shoulder. His green eyes locked onto Eric's darker ones as he cocked his head in a silent inquiry as to determine what Eric's problem was. Eric swallowed visibly, shaken to the core, he was having a hard time getting the words out. He opened his mouth and made several attempts to speak—but nothing would come out and he stopped trying. He shook his head, trying to clear out some of the fog that had overtaken his mind before attempting to speak again.

"The… the guy in the ambulance… it's… " Eric stopped, those unshed tears pricking up in his eyes once again. He couldn't look Horatio in the eyes anymore. Somehow, Eric had started feeling like this whole thing was his fault. If he hadn't told Speedle about Warrick…! Eric stopped and looked back at Horatio. Horatio was still staring, waiting for Eric to finish his thought. Eric shook his head, once again, trying to clear out the pain for a moment, just long enough to get out what he needed to say. He shook his head once again, finally feeling enough numbness to carry on. "It's Speed, Horatio. Speed was in the accident… in the ambulance…" The change that came over Horatio was so brief and flashing that Eric wasn't even sure if it really happened.

A flash of worry in his eyes and then it was gone. Horatio excused himself, calmly, from both the cop and Eric and made his way over to the ambulance. He flashed his badge and the weary paramedic just opened the doors and moved aside. He had long since stopped interfering with the cops while the ambulance was still on scene, which was making him uneasy in itself. The paramedic couldn't understand why the ambulance was still on scene, far as he knew—protocol said if the person was alive and injured, it went to the hospital, with or without the cop's consent. The paramedic walked to the front of the ambulance and noticed that the driver wasn't in there. He went to the back and stepped into it, watching as Horatio stared at the body, a weird silence was in the back of the ambulance.

"Lieutenant Caine…" The paramedic said softly. Horatio, somewhere far away, heard the paramedic's voice, but only distantly. He turned, his face pale and drawn and tears streaked down his face. "I'm not sure what's going on… but all I know is that this man needs to get to the hospital. You can stay if you want but… I need to get this man to the hospital" Horatio nodded and held a finger up to the paramedic.

"Eric…" He called out to the younger CSI. "I'm going to go to the hospital with Speed. Call Calleigh and have her help you process the scene. Since I don't see another car—we're gonna have to treat it like a hit and run. I'll call you when I know something." Horatio then went back into the ambulance and looked at the paramedic. The paramedic nodded, went to the driver's side door, and got inside. He flipped on the lights and sped away from the scene. The man was in critical condition… the paramedic thought as he drove on, where did the driver go? And if he left willingly… why did he want this man dead? And if he didn't leave willingly… who wanted this man dead?

Calleigh Duquesne arrived on the scene, her forensics kit in hand. She had no clue what was going on with the crime scene or who the vic was—just that Horatio was no longer at the scene, since he went to the hospital, and that Eric was sorely shaken about the case. No one told her anything, of course, and she just walked under the yellow crime scene tape and watched as a frustrated beat cop tried to keep the stream of traffic moving. The people were gawking because of the police cars and craning their necks to try and see the wreck. One of the cops walked up to her.

"CSI Duquesne, we just thought you should know, that the victim of this crime was CSI Timothy Speedle." She said. Calleigh nodded, feeling a sense of dread fill her stomach. However, she maintained her professionalism and walked to the car anyways.

"That's how more accidents happen…" Eric grumbled, gesturing to the people gawking as he was trying to get some paint samples off of the side of the totaled Hummer. Calleigh made a small sound of acquiescence and went to photograph tire marks. Whoever had hit Speedle had definitely been in a hurry to get away from the scene. The black rubber tire marks where the person had obviously accelerated too much and the paint samples were the only evidence they had, aside from the blood inside the car. It had shocked Eric, how much blood there was yet Speed was still alive. As they finished processing the scene, they called their tow truck in order to get it shipped back to the lab for a more thorough investigation of the car. Calleigh walked over to the other Hummer, which was Horatio's, and sighed. She called another tow truck and asked them to take it to this address, in which she provided Horatio's address. She then turned to Eric, who now, after the scene was processed and there were no other cops to be around, looked like a lost little child. She sighed again and walked over to Eric.

Eric was standing there, looking at the spot where Speed's car had once been. Images of it flashed in Eric's head and a sickening feeling took up residence in his stomach once again. All he could think of is what if the other car had come from the other way—hitting the driver's side door instead of the passenger door. He shuddered slightly, not wanting to think of that. Eric felt depressed and he didn't even notice Calleigh standing beside him. He just kept replaying a thousand different scenes in his head. He wondered, briefly in the back of his mind, if Speed had suffered at all. The tears that were previously unshed now streamed down his cheeks. Calleigh felt a wave of sympathy for the younger man and she wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"Come on, Eric. I'll take you back to the lab then you can go home." Calleigh said, leading Eric to her car. Eric nodded numbly and shook his head.

"Just take me home… I'll get my car some other time." Eric said, his voice as empty as he felt. He had seen Speed in that ambulance and he looked like hell. Eric looked up and closed his eyes. He could tell, already, that they were in for a very hard time.

***

Chapter 4: Life is Crazy, Life is Mad

((Carly don't be sad, life is crazy, life is mad… don't be afraid. Carly don't be sad—that's your destiny. They only chance—take it… take it in your hands. ))

The hospital was dead quiet at the late hour and Horatio was on his way outside to call Eric. He hadn't heard anything new—but he needed someone there right now. He knew Yelina was too busy in the evenings with Ray Jr., Calleigh was still in the lab helping the graveyard shift process the totaled hummer, Speed was in the hospital, and Horatio was there—so that only left Eric. Horatio pressed the Mem 5 button which had Eric's number on speed dial. The phone rang three times before Eric actually picked up. Horatio knew it was because the younger man was sleeping. It was a common thing for someone who worked the day shift.

"'lo?" Eric's voice was groggy and sleep laden. Horatio allowed himself a slight smile as he heard his colleague drop something in the background. "Fuck." He heard slightly distantly, he realized that Eric had dropped the phone. "Sorry… who is this?" He asked. Horatio smiled again, even knowing that Eric couldn't see it.

"Yeah, Eric, it's Horatio." Horatio said quietly, not wanting to disturb the other people outside the hospital who were either smoking or talking to loved ones from cell phones. Eric, for all his sleepiness, instantly snapped up to a fully alert mood. Worry gripped his being all over again. He wasn't sure what news he was going to hear from then on out as far as he knew, Speed was in bad shape and could possibly die. He bit his lower lip, praying that he didn't sound as pathetic as he felt.

"Is… Speed… still… alive…?" Eric asked, his voice small and meek in his dark apartment. He heard Horatio chuckle slightly and he felt angry. But he didn't have the heart to yell or scream… he could find nothing amusing about the situation and Horatio was chuckling. It took Eric a moment to realize that it was a mirthless chuckle, one born of a more bitter emotion. It slapped him in the face and he felt even worse for thinking he was the only one who was being rend apart by this horrible accident.

"Yes… he is… but Eric… I… I can't stay here alone anymore. It's so deadly quiet… and I don't want to leave but…" He heard Horatio let out a shuddering breath and Eric knew that type of sigh. Horatio was trying not to cry. Eric nodded and then realized that Horatio couldn't see him nodding nor could he hear his brain rattle so he cleared his throat.

"I'll hang out with you… but… I'm gonna be a minute. Gotta take a taxi to the lab and get my car. I'll see you in about an hour or so." Eric replied, trying to remain as calm as he could. He had learned long ago that freaking out would do him no good in this situation. So, he clicked on his bedside lamp.

"… thank you…" Horatio muttered quietly and Eric heard the phone click as Horatio hung up. Eric nodded and crawled out of bed, his limbs so weary that it was hard to move them. He knew he shouldn't drive in a condition like this, so he pulled out a pair of black jeans, a long sleeved white shirt, a short sleeved black shirt, clean underwear, and a pair of socks. He made his way to his small bathroom and showered, letting the warm water wake him up as well as wash some of the superficial pain off of his body. The water relaxed his tense muscles and he smiled slightly. He scrubbed his entire body and decided to shave before he left as well. Despite everything, he still felt commanded to keep up appearances. He shaved himself as quickly as he could and toweled off his face before picking up his phone and calling a taxi cab service.

He arrived at the lab half an hour later and sighed in frustration at the total idiocy of the cab drivers. He climbed into his own car, idly wondering how the investigation was going, before turning the key in the ignition and heading towards the hospital Speedle was at. He drove as fast as he could while breaking several traffic laws but thankfully, not getting caught. It was a quarter past one in the morning when he made it to the hospital. Horatio was still outside, probably waiting for Eric as the younger man walked up to the doors.

Horatio caught the scent of sugar and toasted vanilla as Eric walked up to him. His dark hair was still slightly damp from his shower and Horatio allowed himself a very small smile. Dark eyes met paler ones; an inscrutable look was on his face and Eric gestured for Horatio to lead on. They walked through the glass double doors and towards the elevator.

"Any updates?" Eric asked, once they were safely alone in the elevator. Horatio was looking at the doors, staring at them as they held the answers to the universes deepest questions and solemnly shook his head. Eric nodded, not saying anything. Horatio wished he knew something… wished he could tell Eric something to ease his troubled mind. But Horatio knew nothing… they wouldn't let him into Speed's room. They told him that the first few hours were critical and that if he survived the night, he would pull out okay. He realized he should tell Eric that. The elevator dinged and the doors opened, leading Eric and Horatio into the almost deserted corridors in the intensive care unit. The silence was unbearable and the underlying scent of medicine, death, and decay added a macabre element to the whole scene. A cold shiver ran down Horatio's spine.

"They told me that if he makes it through the night he should pull out of it okay." Horatio said, his voice sounding harshly loud in the corridors. Though they were mostly quiet, thousands of sounds made what sounded like a strange background track. Hospital monitors beeping and other things. The telltale sound of a keyboard clacking echoed in the hall as a nurse input information for something. There was also a steady murmur of low voices coming from separate rooms. It wasn't uncommon. Eric and Horatio made their way to the lobby to sit and talk. There was no one else there when they arrived, which wasn't all that surprising considering the late hour. Horatio sunk into a chair and Eric sat down across from him and they began their vigil.

"He's going to make it." Eric said after several minutes of an unbearable, mournful silence. Horatio looked up from the ground, looking straight into Eric's eyes. Eric nodded. Horatio just looked back down, not knowing what to believe. He did, however, know that Eric had only said that to comfort himself. Horatio could understand how the younger man was feeling though, he wanted to say a thousand things that would make his younger colleague feel better, but the words were lost on his lips every time he tried to get them out. Eric was staring off into space now, apparently done trying to convince Horatio. He hadn't tried very hard, but the words had sounded false even to his own ears.

Eric couldn't help but think that maybe Speed's condition would get better, though. He couldn't help but hope that, because Speed, despite everything, was his best friend. But another, even more painful thing nagged at his mind. What if… he thought Speed comes out alive but not the same. What if he has amnesia? What if he's paralyzed? He'd hate not being able to do the things he loved… would death be a kinder fate…? Eric mused to himself as the wall mounted clock ticked the hours away.

Calleigh Duquesne and Yelina Salas walked into the hospital. Calleigh was holding a file folder slightly away from her chest as though it held a strain of the black plague. The two of them walked to the elevator. The metal doors opened as Calleigh pressed the button going up. They both entered the elevator and stood side by side as the elevator went up. The elevator music was chiming cheerfully.

"I can't believe it. " Calleigh muttered as the doors slid open and the two women exited the elevator. They walked to the desk. The nurse on shift looked mildly bored and Calleigh gave her a slight sympathetic smile.

"Excuse me… can we get Timothy Speedle's room number, please?" Yelina asked. The nurse looked at her sheet and shook her head.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but he's not allowed to have visitors right now. You can wait down in the waiting room. It's right down the hall… "She said, pointing down the hall. Calleigh nodded her thanks as did Yelina and they started down the hall.

"If Eric and Horatio are still here, that's where they'll be." Calleigh said to Yelina. Yelina nodded and they reached the lobby. Horatio was sitting in the chair and Eric was sitting on his haunches in front of Horatio. Horatio was bent down slightly to hear what Eric was saying.

"Hey, boys!" Yelina said in a fake cheery voice. Horatio looked up and Eric started like something had terrified him. Calleigh sat down next to Horatio and dropped the folder on his lap.

"Look at this! LOOK!" She said, her voice getting angrier and angrier. Horatio opened up the folder and his eyes skimmed over the contents. His eyes got wider and then his eyes narrowed as a wave of anger crashed through his body. He threw the folder down on the ground and growled slightly.

Eric looked up at Yelina and then to Horatio.

"What's going on?" Eric asked. Horatio growled once more.

"Apparently, there was some tampering going on with Speed's car. There was a bomb in the car. It was set up weird though, it was set to go off at a certain time but only if he turned. But it was set to go off only if he turned… which was strange, in itself. But also, just in case the bomb wasn't bad enough… his break lines were cut as well." Yelina said, sitting in the chair next to Calleigh. Horatio sighed angrily.

"I'm going to get this bastard… I swear to god I will. Eric… with me. Yelina, Calleigh… you two go to Speedle's house. Hack his computer… I don't care. Find if you can find ANYONE who might have had a grudge against him."

***

Chapter 5: You Were the Rain, You Were the Sun

((Someday you came, and I knew you were the one. You were the rain, you were the sun. But I needed both, 'cuz I needed you. You were the one I was dreaming of all my life, when it was dark you are my light. But don't forget who is always our guide… it is the child within us. ))

There was complete darkness, nothing inside this envelope of complete and utter nothingness. Speedle felt himself there, but only as a distracted feeling that pulled on something far back in his subconscious. Something about having friends and people who needed him—but he couldn't really make head or tails of what it all meant. He shrugged it off because it was an indistinct feeling, something that he could easily ignore for the time being. He left himself be carried away on the strange ocean of darkness, letting it's calming song of night relax his muscle. He felt everything getting slower, darker. A fleeting thought passed over his mind…

what if i'm dying…? The thought echoed in the darkness, taking a shapeless form that began to light up a very small section of the darkness. It was barely a dot, but it made a difference, changing the darkness in one corner to a mottled grey color. He sighed and tried to clear his head of those thoughts.

but what if its true…? then where would i be? would it really matter if i was? i don't think i care anymore… Speedle continued to have his thoughts, sections of the room getting brighter and brighter as each thought pierced a hole in his comforting darkness. He sighed but he felt it more than heard it. Some of the room was completely lit up and Speedle could make out a television and stark white, sterile walls. The reality was like a slap in the face… and his eyes opened up.

It was dark; a few stars were visible through the mostly drawn curtains of his hospital room. Speedle's eyes adjusted to the sudden change of light and he felt his throat begin to burn as his other sensations awoke as well. He figured he hadn't been out for too long… but he could never be sure. He yawned, his jaw cracking and he wiggled, trying to sit up slightly. He winced as he felt a dull ache turn to a sharp pain in his side. He winced and drew a sharp, hissing breath in. He pressed a hand to his forehead, trying to take the pain away. He closed his eyes again to block it out—the comforting darkness didn't come. He reached up to rub the bridge of his nose as he looked around, noticing no one was there. Not even Horatio.

So much for love… Speedle thought bitterly, before slipping back into the oblivion of sleep.

Eric picked at his salad, not really wanting to eat it. Horatio had invited him out after a long day of trying to find a suspect. There was nothing concrete and by the end of the day the exhaustion was too much to comprehend. Horatio was almost done with his dinner, but Eric had barely touched his. Horatio stopped eating his hamburger and set it back down on the plate. There was concern etched in his eyes.

"What's wrong, Eric?" Horatio asked. Eric looked up at him, unshed tears dancing under the dull lighting in the restaurant. Horatio sighed and shook his head, knowing that above all else—Eric needed to let his feelings out. Horatio continued to stare as Eric looked for the words to express himself. They sat in a semi-companionable silence for some time before Eric finally sat up and decided to speak.

"I… I think that this… this might have been… my… my fault…" Eric finally said as he shoved his plate away, no longer caring to pretend to still be eating. Horatio looked at Eric, once again, their eyes meeting. Horatio's face was still etched with concern and he stood up, gesturing for Eric to follow. Horatio paid the bill and he and Eric walked outside. The air was humid and sticky outside the air conditioned restaurant. They both said their goodbyes and walked to their cars.

Eric slid behind the passenger seat of his silver colored Hummer and rested his head on the steering wheel. Numbly, he started his car and let the air conditioner cool down the car. It was so warm in his car, and Eric continued to rest his forehead on the steering wheel. His mind was brimming with thoughts and he finally backed out of the parking lot. He drove towards his house, but he decided he wasn't that tired and he began to drive around aimlessly. Just wasting time and gas while he tried to sort out his thoughts. He stopped in front of the park and exited his car. He sat on one of the low hanging swings and stared at the slightly cloud blocked stars and sighed. The night was progressively getting worse. They had no leads, no suspects, and barely any evidence. It seemed that they had reached a dead end investigating the murder of a friend.

He put his head in his hands, wracking his mind over what evidence they did have. Unfortunately, it wasn't a lot. What they did have was extremely inconclusive, so whoever was trying to kill Speedle was definitely going to get away. Eric was beating himself up over this, his body burned with rage.

"THAT ASSHOLE!" He screamed. He heard some startled birds flutter after being roused from their sleep. He slammed his fist into an unoffending pole and winced as his knuckles collided with the metal. He didn't really care though, his emotional pain was far worse than the physical. Helplessly, he began to cry and he stood up, kicking everything in his sight as he walked back towards his car.

He slid behind the wheel and once again, started his ignition. He wasn't sure where to go, he was a little wary about going back home. His state was pretty unfit to be by himself, so he drove to the one place he knew he'd be welcome.

Horatio had poured himself a nightcap, just a finger of scotch in his glass tumbler. There was no ice, and he hadn't begun to drink the liquor yet. He couldn't, for some reason, get his limbs to move anymore. He sighed, the tumbler held loosely in his hand. He was staring at the now blank television screen; it had been a news story of the crash before he had clicked the television off. Horatio sighed and brought the glass to his lips. He took his first sip of the drink, feeling the alcohol sear down his throat. With his other hand, he reached up and took off his tie, as well as unbuttoned the first two buttons of his dress shirt. He then reached down and took off his belt, trying to relax.

A knock on his door startled him out of his half numb reverie and he pushed himself out of the black leather chair. He had kicked his shoes off earlier and he padded over to the door, looking through the peephole. A very distressed looking Eric stood on the other side and he undid the lock and the deadbolt and opened the door. He wordlessly invited Eric inside by stepping aside and sweeping his hand back. Eric nodded his thanks and walked in.

"Can I get you a drink?" Horatio asked, gesturing his barely sipped scotch at the kitchen. Eric looked at Horatio and nodded. Horatio led him into the kitchen and pointed at his fairly extensive alcohol collection. Eric just sighed and shrugged.

"I'll take what you've got. Wouldn't do me well to get plastered…" Eric said, almost mumbling. "I'm gonna need to be able to think straight tomorrow when I go back to work on our case…" Horatio nodded as he pulled out a matching tumbler and poured Eric a finger of scotch as well. Eric held the tumbler in both hands, a small whimper escaping his throat as he thought about Speedle. Eric took a small sip of his scotch and looked at his boss.

Eric shook his head slightly as inappropriate thoughts began to flitter into his mind. Horatio, Eric had never noticed, was very attractive. Especially now, looking so unprofessional. Eric tossed off the rest of his scotch and Horatio quirked an eyebrow. Eric shook his head.

"Sorry man, I don't know… I just… I don't know." Eric sat down heavily on Horatio's black leather couch and Horatio sat down next to him. Horatio set down his tumbler on the dark finished wood coffee table and he also took Eric's tumbler and set it down next to his own. Eric rubbed his eyes slightly, feeling his body start to shake as a fresh wave of tears came over him. He was intensely aware of Horatio's hands on his back, his thumbs tracing small circles to comfort him. Eric leaned back into the touch, wanting to be held and comforted throughout this ordeal. Horatio continued tracing the circles while he muttered comforting words. They were mumbled, so Eric couldn't hear what he was saying, but more felt what he was saying as his body relaxed slightly.

Horatio maneuvered himself so he was sitting behind Eric. He had pushed Eric slightly forward and began to massage his back. His hands made progress on getting the knots out of his back and Eric was surprised at how strong Horatio actually was. Eric heard himself making these pathetic moan-whimper sounds as Horatio's hands worked to get the deeper knots out. Eric leaned back into the touch and he felt Horatio try and get out the ones that had been there for a long time. He felt himself slowly becoming more and more relaxed. He finally batted Horatio's hands away and leaned against the older man. Horatio wrapped his arms around Eric's waist. Horatio pressed the younger man closer to him, guilt wrenching his heart as he thought about Speed. He trailed one hand up to gently wipe away the silent tears running down Eric's face. Some unknown force compelled Horatio and he leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on Eric's ear. Lust sparks flew and crackled in the air. Eric turned his head and his lips met Horatio's.

Horatio brought a hand up to his lips, after Eric had backed away, and he trailed his fingers along them in surprise. Eric paled slightly and looked about ready to bolt. His heart was screaming at Horatio to not do it, but his body was already overpowering the heartstrings. He reached forward and pulled Eric back towards him, their lips coming together once again. Horatio pulled away after a couple of minutes, stood up, and pulled Eric up with him.

"Bed." He growled. That one word, to Eric, was loaded with a lot of other things. Eric obliged, watching as Horatio shed his shirt and pants on the way to the room. Horatio was completely undressed by the time they reached the room; Eric was still fumbling with getting off his shirts. Horatio stalked over, looking for the world like a predatory cat and easily removed both shirts. Horatio got his pants undone and pulled both his boxers and pants down together. Eric's erection sprung out at Horatio like some demented pop-up book.

Horatio stood in front of Eric, his gaze sweeping over the younger man appreciatively. His heart was screaming at him to stop, because he loved Timothy. However, his body was telling him to continue—and his body was winning hands down. He finally went in for the kill and pressed his lips to Eric's. The response was like fire as every nerve in his body prickled and stood on end. An unadulterated wave of wanton lust coursed through Horatio's body and he pulled Eric backwards towards the bed. They fall together as the back of Horatio's knees collided with the mattress. Eric fell on top of Horatio, their bodies touching everywhere. Eric, taking the initiative, straddled Horatio, inching up slightly to press his lips to Horatio's once again.

Instead of being the gentle kisses they had been before, these kisses were rough. Eric drew Horatio's lower lip into his mouth and sucked on it slightly, eliciting a moan from the older man. They continued playing around, being rough with each other, before Eric realized that he wanted… no needed Horatio inside of him. He needed it like he needed water right now, he needed that pain… that feeling… to ground him. He needed some feeling that all of this was real and not some sort of torturous dream. He looked around and saw some hand lotion on Horatio's bedside table.

So that's how his hands stay so soft… Eric thought as he reached over to grab the lotion. He opened the battle, squeezing the pale green cucumber melon lotion onto Horatio's outstretched hand. There was no need for voices, because their bodies were responding in ways that made their voices obsolete. Horatio spread the slick lotion all over his fingers and he motioned for Eric to lay on his back. After he did so, Horatio slid one finger inside of him, loving the tight, hot sensation. He slowly worked in three of his fingers, making sure that Eric was properly stretched. He removed his fingers and put some of the hand lotion on his throbbing cock. Horatio pushed the tip of his cock into Eric, moaning as he entered the hot channel. He heard Eric gasp but, now without inhibitions, he buried himself to the hilt. Eric moaned low in his throat and another spark flashed between the two of them. They moved together, in a rhythm to some unknown beat in their heads… or hearts.

Eric thrust up against Horatio as Horatio drove down into him. Their rhythm was unbroken, and the gasps and moans just became a part of the silent song coursing through their heads. Eric felt so good; his body was practically on fire. They continued on with their dance, it getting more and more frantic as Eric and Horatio both got closer and closer to the edge. Finally, Eric couldn't take anymore, and he felt his orgasm and he screamed as it tore through his body. He heard Horatio let out a muffled scream, as he bit down on Eric's shoulder. Horatio collapsed on top of Eric and laid there for a few second before rolling off. As soon as the waves of pleasure died down… Horatio felt nausea and guilt roil in his stomach. As Eric cuddled next to Horatio, falling asleep, Horatio thought about Speedle as another wave of guilt coursed through his body.

***

Chapter 6: Mirror of Your Soul

((Look into the mirror of your soul, love and hate are one in all. Sacrifice turns to revenge and believe me. You'll see the face of the one who will say; I love you… I'll kill you… but I'll love you forever. Loneliness, I feel the loneliness… in my room (bring him back, bring him back… bring him back… bring him back…)))

Horatio stopped his car in front of "The Flower Boutique", a small little flower shop about a block away from his house. Calleigh had called him some time earlier to let him know that Speedle was awake, he had just gotten the courage to go and visit him. With thousands of emotions swirling around in his head, he had decided that he should give Speed some flowers. He remembered it worked well for Raymond when he was in a tough spot with Yelina. So, he walked into the flower shop and bought a dozen roses. He then remembered something out of a book he had read, one that he knew Speedle loved, and ducked back into the shop. The woman looked at him and he grinned sheepishly.

"I'm sorry… but is it okay if you take these back?" Horatio asked, handing her the dozen red roses. "I was wondering if I could get a dozen white roses with a red one in the middle of the arrangement." Horatio said his voice quiet. The clerk nodded and charged him the extra money for getting white roses instead of red. Horatio didn't mind though and he walked out of the shop with a little spring in his step. He walked back to his car, set the flowers on the passenger seat, and made his way to the hospital. The ride over was uneventful and he saw Eric, Yelina, and Calleigh standing by Yelina's car in the parking garage. Horatio scooped up the roses and walked over to them.

"What's up?" Horatio asked, gesturing to their pow-wow around the car. Yelina just kind of smiled a slight smile.

"We want you to go on in first…" She said. "Calleigh was already there but Speedle was still mostly asleep when she was. We think he should wake up to you…" Yelina explained emphatically. Horatio just nodded his assent and walked towards the hospital. He went inside and rode the elevator up to the floor Speedle was on. He walked into the room to see Speedle sitting in the chair, reading the newspaper, and drinking something. Horatio walked in all the way and sat down in the other chair, across from Speedle.

"You having fun?" Horatio asked. Speedle looked up from his paper and gave him a smile. Horatio's breath caught in his throat as he realized how much Speedle's smile had come to mean to him. He hadn't seen it for a couple of days because he had been sleeping or in a coma—no one had really clarified that for him. He found out, though, that they had had Speedle drugged for most of the hospital stay.

"Not really… waiting for Calleigh to bring me some clothes." Speedle said a bright smile still on his face. "I wanna go home and try and find a new car. They said I could go home, but I thought I'd probably look like an escaped lunatic if I just waved for a taxi whilst in a hospital gown that's gonna bare my ass when I least expect it." Horatio laughed and Speedle joined in which made Horatio even happier. And even after Speedle's laughter had stopped, the smile which was lighting up his entire face hadn't left. Horatio then remembered the flowers. He proffered them to Speedle whose face stopped smiling and became slowly red with a blush. Horatio realized he got the meaning immediately as he watched him put the flowers to his chest, a gesture that Horatio found strangely feminine.

He leaned closer and gave Speedle a chaste kiss on the mouth. He pulled away, far enough so there lips were no longer touching, but close enough for him to feel Speedle's breath on his lips. Horatio noticed that Speedle was holding the flowers even closer to his chest and he closed his eyes slightly, took a deep breath in, and then opened his eyes—which were now shining with tears.

"Horatio…" Speedle started, bowing his head slightly. "… I've been half awake and half asleep for the better part of my stay here. All the while, even in my drug induced sleep, I was having an inner-dialogue with my sub-conscious mind. I know it sounds a little strange, but that's what I did. I've been trying to come to terms with what we did and the reasons why we did it. I know I told you outside the lab before my accident that I didn't love you… but…" Speedle stopped, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. A hint of his unshed tears was creeping into his voice. "… but I was lying. I do love you… I love you a lot."

"The thing was… my mind was trying to make me sublimate my love for you with the deep respect and friendship that I have with Eric. My sub-conscious was telling me that he was closer to my age and a bunch of other bullshit that makes people lie. But after thinking about it, completely free of a biased thought process and away from you two… I could finally see the truth about my feelings. I love you, but I was afraid of admitting it to you for fear of rejection… or worse… hatred."

"It isn't because I think that you're so shallow that you'd stop being my friend because I had a crush on you, but it's just the way it tends to be. People aren't comfortable around people when they admit to loving them. It's a little different in the case of Eric and I… because he knew already that I didn't truly love him… not like that anyways. But… ever since that night… when I was wallowing in my own self-pity and contemplating ending my life… when you came and saved me… I realized that I loved you a lot more un-platonically than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. So… I thought that I should let you know. I love you… a lot. More than anyone else in this world." Speedle stopped speaking, his eyes downcast as he waited for Horatio's response.

"I…. I love you too…" Horatio said, his voice slightly broken with raw emotion and tears. Speedle looked up at him, tears streaming down his face, and a bright smile on his face once again. Horatio reached to him, ready to kiss him when they heard the sound of a throat clearing behind them. It was Eric, flanked by Calleigh and Yelina.

"Hi guys!" Speedle said, waving with the hand not clutching the flowers. Joy exuded from the room and Horatio stepped back to allow Speedle some quality time with his friends. He figured that confession from Speedle was enough to tide him over for now. He knew that Speedle would be coming home with him tonight.

°.°

Speedle sat back in his chair, pushing his now cleared plate away from him. He took a sip of the dark red wine that Horatio had brought out with the dinner of spaghetti and garlic bread. He smiled appreciatively as he heard Horatio buzzing around in the kitchen. He came back out a couple of minutes later with two large pieces of chocolate cheesecake. Speedle grinned and shook his head slightly.

"You're gonna get me fat." Speedle said, grinning some more. Horatio just let out a half amused snort and dove into his own piece of cheesecake. Horatio stopped eating though, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. He looked at Speedle.

"I have to tell you something… it might make you mad… but I want to be honest with you and I have to let you know." Horatio said, staring straight into Speedle's darker eyes. "When you were in the hospital… Eric and I… had sex." Horatio said, feeling guilty even as he thought about it. He continued to look at Speedle who was having a hard time with it, obviously. Emotions crossed his face—none of them good as far as Horatio could tell. Speedle stood up, knocking his chair over backwards. Without a word, he stormed past Horatio and out of the house. As soon as Speedle was out the door he ran as far as he could away from Horatio's house. He then pulled out his cell phone to call a cab to take him to his own house.

He got back to his own house, which was lonely and desolate, and he collapsed on the couch, tears streaming down his face. He remembered then why he had been so reluctant to fall in love. He knew that it wasn't some strange inability to feel love, he just knew that it hurt too much… especially when something like this had happened.

Speedle knew he shouldn't be upset… because Horatio and Eric were probably just stressed at his coma-like state that was drug induced. But Speedle couldn't rationalize that with his heart which was breaking into pieces just thinking about it. He knew that he probably wouldn't be nearly as broken up… but Eric!

Eric was supposed to be his best friend and since Eric was Speedle's best friend, he knew about Speedle's attraction to Horatio. He began to sob, knowing that he needed to get out of this place. He grabbed the phone and called the travel agency and bought a one way ticket to Las Vegas.

He didn't care who was there or what he would do—he just knew that he had to get far away from Horatio, Eric, and the emotional train wreck which was becoming his life. With a slight whimper, Speedle packed a duffel bag of clothes, toiletries, and his other essentials before leaving his house, locking the door, and getting into the cab which would take him away from his life for a very long time… maybe forever.

***

Chapter 7: Playing With Fire

((Look into the others eyes, many frustrations. Read between the lines, no words just vibrations. Don't ignore hidden desires. Pay attention, you're playing with fire. Silence must be heard, noise should be observed. The time has come to learn, that silence ... silence must be heard or diamonds will burn, friendly cards will turn… 'cause silence has the right to be heard.))

The plane touched down at Reno International Airport after a relatively smooth flight. As people disembarked from the plane, Speedle was lost in thought a little bit as he moved on auto-pilot to the exit and towards his luggage. He waited at the luggage depot, wishing for his luggage to get there faster. The longer he stayed in the airport, the more he wanted to book a flight back to Miami. Far away from home, he was scared… he flashed back to his first memories of being in Miami when he came from New York. He sighed, a sigh of relief, as he saw his duffle bag enter the conveyor-belt type thing and he grabbed it. He wasn't sure where to go, but he knew that one, he needed to find a job, and two, he needed to find a place to live. Of course, he couldn't really get an apartment if he didn't have a job and he didn't really know anyone either. So, he went outside and hailed a taxi. As he slid in the back seat of the taxi he cocked his head slightly.

"Take me to Las Vegas… the Crime Lab there… please." The taxi driver merely nodded and sped the car in the direction of the strip. Speedle looked out the window, watching the desert landscape roll by him, tears stinging at his eyes. The cab pulled up in front of the Crime Lab and Speedle paid the driver, not waiting for his change. He grabbed his duffel bag out of the trunk and walked into the crime lab, wondering if he could get a job.

"I need to speak to the Supervisor here." Speedle said, trying to hide his sadness as well as his fear. He fished deep into his pocket to pull out his resume which he had folded carefully and placed in his pocket before he had left. He wasn't sure if he was going to stay here forever, but he knew that he would go stir crazy if he did nothing. The woman at the desk put a phone up to her ear and dialed a number.

"Mr. Grissom, you're needed in the front of the building please. There is someone here to see you." She said, her voice sounding monotonous and professional. Thinking about that, he remembered the receptionist on his shift. He smiled slightly, biting back bitter tears. A fairly nice looking older man walked into the front of the building. He was wearing a black button up shirt and a pair of black dress slacks. His hair was salt and pepper gray and a beard squared off his jaw nicely. A pair of wire-rimmed glasses sat halfway down his nose as he read something off a sheet of paper.

"Can I help you?" He asked, looking up from the paper and Speedle stared for a moment before shaking his head to clear his mind of impure thoughts and the sadness threatening to overcome his being. He breathed in deeply.

"Mr. Grissom… Hi. My name is Timothy Speedle." Speed started, handing Grissom his resume. "I'm interested in getting a job here…"

°.°

Horatio sat at his computer, waiting for his e-mail inbox to load up. He was drumming his slender fingers on the black wood of his desk. He wondered where Speed was, as he looked out the bay window in his living room, he hadn't heard from him since the little confession he had done. Horatio wondered if telling Speed so soon was a bad idea, but he also realized that he needed to build their relationship on trust and honesty. He sighed and looked back at his computer screen, seeing his e-mail had finally been received.

From:Subject:

Lexi DaighNaranja AKA Fuzz Ball

Yelina SalasRe: Family Picnic…?

Teryl CaineRe: Family Picnic…?

Trace NilesThe Gathering!

Kallen JunvaFree Porn For You!

Shadowed DreamerAbout The Situation…

Horatio rolled his eyes and immediately deleted the e-mail for porn, before clicking on the first link to read his e-mails.

To: Horatio CaineFrom: Lexi Daigh

Subject: Naranja AKA Fuzz Ball

Horatio,

Hey you! Silly man, how come you haven't come by lately? You're missed by me and Donovan. You need to come over more! We miss you, Horatio! Well, anyways, just wanted to give you an update on Naranja… he's adjusting well to the new environment even with Cuddles there still. Since he was YOUR cat, I thought you should know! Come over for dinner some time!

Lexi

Horatio sighed, shook his head, and went on to the next e-mail.

To: Horatio CaineFrom: Yelina Salas

Subject: Family Picnic…?

Horatio—

Ray Jr. and I will be coming to the picnic. I was wondering if it was okay for Ray Jr. to bring a friend… he wants to invite his friend Billy to the picnic so he has someone to interact with. So, can you get back to me ASAP. Thanks Horatio.

Yelina Salas

Horatio hit the reply button and typed in "sure" before hitting send. He didn't really like composing long e-mails.

To: Horatio CaineFrom: Teryl Caine

Subject: Family Picnic…?

Horatio,

We'll be there as well. Thanks for thinking of this, dear.

Mom

To: Horatio CaineFrom: Trace Niles

Subject: The Gathering!

H,

Sorry… Tina and I can't make it. We're gonna be out of town for my sisters wedding. Have fun man.

Trace

To: Horatio CaineFrom: Shadowed Dreamer

Subject: About the Situation…

Horatio,

I know I've never contacted you this way before, but it's Speed. Um… this is probably the last contact you and I will be having for a while. First thing, I want you to know that I am not mad at you, I was a little upset, but I'm not angry with you nor upset anymore… I just need to get away for a while. I'm not telling you where I'm going because I don't want you to come after me just yet. I think that we need some time apart to make sure this is meant to be… to make sure this is really what we want.

Secondly, I'm glad you told me about what you did with Eric. I probably wouldn't have reacted as badly had it been with someone else. As you know, Eric is my best friend… and I couldn't bear the thought that both of you had done that together while I was in the hospital… though after giving it some thought I realize why you did it. I understand that you were both stressed and probably lonely… and I forgive you… both of you.

I just wanted to let you know that I wouldn't be in for a while… but to not make any permanent arrangements because I might come back… I'll call or e-mail if that situation changes. I just wanted to let you know that I was leaving for a while so you wouldn't worry… and to let you know I still love you. Don't write back 'cuz I won't have internet access for a while, until I can get things settled where I am. Please urge Eric to tell Warrick about what happened… Warrick deserves truth as well. Please, wait for me.

Love,

Timothy Speedle

Horatio stared at the computer screen, re-reading the e-mail as silent tears streamed down his face. He wasn't sure whether he should be angry or not because he had just found Speedle and for the second time… he was gone again. He slammed his fist into the wall next to him, growling slightly in his throat as he realized that this time, it was no ones fault but his own. He put his head in his hands and began to cry.

***

Epilogue: The Cross of Changes

(( If you understand, or if you don't. If you believe, or if you doubt. There's a universal justice. And the eyes of truth are always watching you.))

It had been four months since that horrible incident and Horatio's confession. Timothy Speedle was moving well into the new life he was building for himself. Gil Grissom was an extremely good boss, eccentric, but good. Tim was on his way out towards a crime scene in Henderson with the newest addition to the CSI team, Greg Sanders. He was in the lobby, waiting for Greg to pick up his messages when he saw a familiar face in the lobby. He stood there contemplative, like he always did. His sunglasses were hooked in his shirt pocket and he stood with his hands on his hips. Tim swallowed hard.

"Horatio…" He whispered softly. His voice showing surprise and the backlash of a thousand tears he never cried started to come out all at once… bitter and hot. He stumbled over to him and held on to him tightly. "Oh, Horatio!" He clung on to him like he was drowning and Horatio was his last life line. Slowly, tentatively, Horatio hugged him back and threaded his hand into Speed's hair.

"Timmy…" He breathed out, dropping a kiss on the top of his head. Horatio kept his arms wrapped tightly around Tim, resolving to never let him go again. He knew it was a physical impossibility, but the mere thought of being able to hold Tim once again almost made him cry. In fact, he was already tearing up. They fit together perfectly still, like there had been no amount of time. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. Horatio held Tim to him tighter and continued to pet his hair softly. Tim's arms were just as tightly around Horatio and they stood like that for a while. When Tim finally broke away he looked deep into Horatio's eyes. His own eyes were watery too and he finally looked away.

"I'm so sorry." Horatio whispered. His voice had cracked a little and Tim was shaking his head.

"No, no… I'm sorry." He said, grabbing back on to Horatio. He closed his eyes as silent tears trekked down his cheeks. Horatio stepped back and brushed his tears away.

"Don't cry, baby." Horatio whispered. He traced his finger down Tim's cheek. "Don't cry." He said again and he pulled Tim back to him. He threaded his fingers into his hair once again. The sound of a throat clearing made Horatio look up sharply and observe a young man leaning against the door frame. He had a cocky grin and bright eyes.

"I take that to mean you aren't staying with us much longer?" Greg Sanders asked, his grin turning into a wry smile. Tim's gaze dropped to his feet and he couldn't respond. "It's okay…" Greg said. "We've been expecting it." Tim looked up.

"W-why?" He stammered, confused.

"Decisions made out of rashness." Greg said enigmatically, but it made perfect sense. His decision to leave was made in the hear of the moment and it really wouldn't have been much longer before he went home without seeing Horatio in the Las Vegas Crime Lab. He smiled softly at Greg.

"Don't worry…" He said to Tim. "We'll cover the rest of the shift. Have a good night… and a good life." Tim smiled and walked out the door with Horatio, holding his hand tightly, he decided that he would indeed have a good life.

Fin

***