Title: Forgive Me
Author: Lora
Rating: G
Challenge: twisted_badger gave me this line to work around "you justify and you're not afraid and I wont feel like this forever." It's from a song, I don't quite remember which.
Summary: You don't know what to do, what to say. Maybe you've said too much already.
Keywords: Cath/Sara, Sara angst, Catherine angst
AN: This is for you twisted_badger my bestest lj friend!
Words: 590

***

You sit opposite Catherine, your face in your palms as you listen to her softly crying.

You don't know what to do, what to say. Maybe you've said too much already, guilt twists your gut and you get a strong urge to puke.

The things you said were nasty, you know that but the way you're feeling right now, those words were nothing compared to the hate you hold inside for yourself. She doesn't understand this depression you're in, can't figure out why you step back from her touch, why you tremble when her hands slide from her side of the bed to yours.

You lift your head and glance at her, she looks so beautiful, tears glistening on her pale cheeks. With a swift hand, she wipes them away and swallows the lump in her throat.

"Sara, I know you love me... I know somewhere in that heart of yours, there's a place for me..."

"No Catherine, there isn't. Not now, not while I feel like this. How can I love you when I hate myself so much? There's no love left in me, don't you get it? I'm rotten, damaged. You're better off without me so, I'll move out tonight and everything will work out fine."

She covers her face with her hands as more tears come.

"You know Sara, you justify and say you're not afraid,"

You are afraid, you're terrified of losing her. But you're even more scared of hurting her while you're in this dark place.

She stands and looks at you one final time.

"But I won't feel like this forever. I love you, but if this is the end then I won't look back, I refuse to spend the rest of my life loving someone who doesn't love me."

Your silence tells her everything she wants to hear.

But it wasn't what you wanted to say.

You wanted to scream that you won't feel like this forever either. Sure you're in a deep depression now but one day you'll wake up and want to slip your hand into her hand, plant delicate kisses on her lips and write "I Love You" in a million stars. But it's too late, you said nothing and now you're watching her back as she walks away from you, from your life forever.

----

You can hear her crying softly as you zip the remaining clothes into your hold-all. Turning to face her, you smile, the pain evident on your strained face.

"I'll always love you Catherine Willows. Whatever I said back there, I didn't mean it. If you're willing to give me some space, to clear my head, then I'll be able to show you just how much you mean to me."

You hold your hand out, hoping she'll rest her delicate palm with yours. When she does the tears blur your vision and you wipe them with your sleeve. "I guess this is it then, take care of yourself." Tightening the hold on her hand you look deep into her eyes, knowing she can see how sorry you are.

She doesn't let go when you try to walk away. "I'll wait for you Sara, as long as you need. I'll be here."

She drops your hand and you turn towards the door, unsure of when or if you will ever see your blonde beauty again.

"I'll miss you." The familiar whisper wraps around you like a comfort blanket, but you don't look back as you push open the door and step into the empty, dark street.

***