Title: Fun
Author: Dee
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 15660
Pairing: Nick/OMC, Gil/Nick
Characters: Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes and everyone else to varying degrees. 1 x OMC
Warnings: AU and fluff!
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: In my dreams they are like, totally mine!
Unbeta-ed: All mistakes will be mine.
A/N 1: Another old one recently completed.

***

Nick was having fun.  That's what he'd told himself, so it must be true.  He was having fun.  As long as he kept repeating it, it was true. 

Matt was a great guy.  Nick kept telling himself that, and it was mostly true.  Matt was a great guy and he was having fun with Matt.  That was it; it wasn't too difficult to believe, if he kept saying it.

There was only one problem...and it was pretty big.  Nick wasn't having fun; not much anyway. 

Matt was a great guy.  He was handsome, he was friendly and open and he was good company and the sex was great.  He was even a catch, a doctor.  In fact, if Nick was honest he couldn't fault Matt at all, the fault in the equation lay solely with himself, and he knew it.

He'd met Matt at Desert Palm where he was an attending in the ER.  Nick had gone to photograph the victim of a severe beating.  Matt had guessed his gay status within thirty minutes and within forty minutes Nick had agreed to meet him for coffee the next morning.

It had grown quickly from there and they were bed mates the next day, and it only took that long because of Nick's stalling tactics for twenty-four hours.  Matt liked to club and most weeks they went to gay clubs and indulged in the 'the scene', as Matt liked to call it.  He was well known and popular and that made Nick uneasy, he didn't know why, he had no real reason to be uneasy.

They went to straight clubs too, and had no problem at all attracting 'the ladies'...Matt was quite happy to dance with and enjoy the company of the many young women that came their way.  But there was nothing more.  Matt arrived with Nick and left with Nick.

All of Matt's co-workers knew Matt was gay and now that they'd been to parties with them, they knew that Nick was his latest boyfriend.  Now Nick's team at the lab knew of his sexual proclivity, but it wasn't common knowledge and he didn't flaunt it; LVPD weren't anti-gay, but then they didn't promote it either.  Nick liked to remain under the radar.  He was most comfortable in that position.

So the morning he turned down a breakfast with the team, he didn't mention it was because he had a prior date with his current squeeze, Matt.  It was just a coincidence that Nick and Matt arrived at the diner about ten minutes after Grissom, Catherine, Warrick, Greg, Jim, Sofia and Sara.  They were chatting animatedly as Nick caught sight of them and the moment when he could turn and retreat was lost when Catherine saw him...with Matt.

"Hey, Nicky, over here!"  She called; much too brightly and Nick knew she was looking at Matt and not him.

"Hey."  Nick's response lacked conviction.

"Hello, you guys."  Matt wanted in on the action; he'd been prodding Nick for a couple of weeks to meet his co-workers. 

Matt also took the opportunity to exhibit some territorial behaviour by slinging his arm around Nick's shoulders.  It was meant to say we're a couple and all the people seated in the booth got the message loud and clear.  Nick blushed an endearingly sweet pink and swore he'd have to resign before his next shift.

"Everyone, this is Matt Deveraux.  Matt: Greg, Sofia, Jim, Catherine, Warrick, Grissom and Sara."   Nick's ever polite upbringing ensured proper introductions were made.

Sara beamed at Nick.  "Matt Deveraux...you and Nick...?"

"Yeah..."  Matt guessing her question confirmed their status and he beamed back at Sara.   Nick wished he'd explained a little more about his team's dynamic and in particular, Sara.

"Make room you guys, there's enough room for all of us."  Catherine commanded and they all shuffled around so that Nick and Matt could join them.  Nick sat next to Greg and Matt was on the end.

"So what do you do for a living, Matt?"  Sara was determined.

"I don't believe I should say anything to you guys until I've been read my rights."

"Oh come on Matt, we're off the clock and we won't do anything about it, well not until we get back into the lab tonight."

"I'm reassured then...Sara...wasn't it?"  She nodded enthusiastically.  "I'm a doctor at Desert, an attending in the ER, that's where we met, isn't it Nick?"  Nick nodded, unenthusiastically.

"A doctor?  I think a doctor's considered a catch, Nicky." Catherine looked faintly green around the edges.

"I am a catch.  I keep telling Nick, don't I?  He denies it, saying I'm the one who should be grateful."

Nick did laugh at that because it was true.  A joke between them.  As he laughed he caught Grissom's eye, and saw something indefinable; but he felt it like a physical blow to his solar plexus.  He recovered quickly and Grissom looked away. 

The breakfast went well, Matt was happy and relaxed, and he was a good raconteur, telling tales of the ER, his med school days and he was sufficiently self-deprecating so as not to appear big headed.

It was clear that most liked him; it was difficult not too, although Sara put on a display of almost nauseating proportions in her attempt to show that she knew that Matt and Nick were a pair, a couple, dating, together, even making quite inappropriate, or so Nick thought, references to their sex life.

Grissom spoke a couple of times but was mostly just taking in the spectacle.  Sara slid a little closer to him and attempted a display of territorial behaviour, just as Matt had done for Nick.  It didn't work and the only person who noticed was (probably) Nick.  Grissom certainly didn't.

When they'd finished their breakfast and so many coffees they were awash with caffeine, they paid their bill and Catherine decided that they should meet up more often.  Matt thought that was a great idea and while Nick agreed to their faces he inwardly groaned and decided that it would have to be over his dead body.

He couldn't do it...  He'd acted the part for this accidental meeting, but he wasn't sure he could keep doing it.  He really didn't know what to do.  Splitsville with Matt?  That would be cutting his nose off to spite his face; because Matt was okay.  Telling Matt the truth?  Out of the question.  He couldn't.  Concoct a convincing lie?  That would probably have to suffice.  Perhaps mingle in a bit of the truth, make it more plausible.  But Nick wasn't a good liar, because it went against everything he stood for...he would surely be caught out.

As it turned out Matt wasn't stupid, he'd picked up on the vibes and as Nick drove his truck over to Matt's condo, the questioning started.

"There's some serious shit going on with that Sara, I didn't take to her."

Nick laughed.  "You got that about right."

"I got it all right.  She's got the hots for, Gresham, is it?"

"Grissom."

"Yeah, Grissom, and he's not in the least bit interested in her because he's got the hots for you." 

Nick swerved the truck and earned a loud honk of a horn from some other motorist.

"What?"

"Don't tell me you don't know, because I could feel it, it was palpable; he's the guy isn't he, the one who hurt you?"

"I...I...hurt me?"

"Don't play coy with me Nick, you don't do coy, and I'm a realist.  You got hurt, I can tell; I've been around a lot of guys, I can pick up the signals and your signals were 'hurt' and 'sad'.  My guess?  You've been with him and he dumped you?  But there's more because whatever it is, he still wants you just as much as you want him."

"It's over."

"Yeah, like I believe that.  Look Nick, I like you but I don't love you; like I said I'm a realist and your heart's not in it with me, is it?  Maybe your body is and I could live with that, but not with a lie."

"I'm not lying; it is over, it never really got started and you're right, he dumped me.  We were only together for a few weeks."

"Are you coming in with me when we get to my condo?"

"Yes...  No..."

"No, I didn't think so.  It's been good while it lasted and I wish....well, it could have been real good."

"You're dumping me?"  Nick was incredulous; he'd turned into a walking disaster.

"I figured you're not having as much fun as me, Nick. It's not so much fun for me if it's one sided.  If you want to go to clubs and that, I suppose we could, but to be honest Nick, I'll be hooked up again real quick; I don't hang around licking my wounds, life's too short."

"Yeah.  Right.  Okay."

"What did you expect Nick, really?  I don't want to carry your baggage around with me, us.  Get over him, and if I'm around when you do, then you never know.  You want to collect your stuff while you're here?"

They'd arrived at Matt's condo and Nick stopped the truck.

"Might as well, save me a journey.  I'll get your stuff together and drop it off at the hospital."

"That'll be good.  No hard feelings, Nick?"

"No.  None."

"You could have lied and said you were devastated."

"Yeah.  I don't do lying."

"No, you don't.  You're too transparent.  That Sara thinks with you out of the way she'll have a free rein with Gresham, but you should have a go back, Nick, give it a last shot, don't just lie down and take it."

"Grissom?"

"Whatever.  Come on, get your stuff.  I don't suppose you want a pity fuck?"

"No."

"Pity."

They both laughed and when Nick had collected his few belongings, they hugged, and just like that, it was over.  Nick drove back to his condo and when he'd arrived in the air conditioned cool of his home he flopped down on the couch, toed off his shoes and reached for his remote.  He needed mindless distraction.  

No, he didn't, what he needed was Grissom.

He found a sports station and watched some old game.  It was completely mindless; because his mind was elsewhere.

He drifted almost into a stupor as he remembered Grissom.  When he'd first laid eyes on him and then more importantly...when he'd first laid lips and hands on him...

***

Dr Grissom and another guy, long gone, had interviewed Nick when he'd arrived, like a happy puppy, brimming with eagerness and young Texan charm.  He'd got through as far as the interview stage with the esteemed lab; and when he'd found out that Dr Grissom would be there to interview him; he was ecstatic.

He hadn't realised that Grissom was only a CSI; he'd thought he was the boss, or at least a boss.  But no, he was a senior field CSI, but he knew so much and did so much and was revered so much, that he was given the task to test the interviewees.

And test Nick he had.  In ten minutes Nick's happy demeanour had been cruelly replaced by nervous twitching and sweating hands.  He'd done some basic work at the Dallas labs following university, but he was grilled about his college work, his thesis for his degree, which Grissom had actually read, the work he'd done and why he wanted to work in Las Vegas.

He might have been the earnest puppy but he had at least researched the lab beforehand and was able to detail the reasons he wanted to join the lab.  He knew about the work they'd done and he knew about Dr Grissom, and he knew what he wanted to do.  Though he'd been sure he'd blown it after eighty minutes of grilling and gruelling questioning, four days later he'd been offered a position as a CSI 1 at the most prestigious lab outside Quantico.

He'd packed and left Dallas, with such enthusiasm and excitement, his mother's distress had been lost on him.  Her baby was leaving.  Okay, so he hadn't lived at home for three years but he was leaving the nest proper by going to Nevada.  Sin city.  He would most likely be preyed upon by pimps and unscrupulous types.

She knew he was sweet and kind and gay.  And however much Nick tried to persuade her otherwise, she knew he was tender and ready for the picking.  Without his family to protect him he would be hurt and he would bleed.  She was fearful.

She was wrong.

Nick had thrived in Las Vegas.  He loved the work, the challenge, the learning.  He had a good time; okay he saw the dregs of society but he'd learned his lessons well...sometimes, a little too well and a little too close for comfort.

Through it all Grissom was a constant.  A mentor.  A colleague and then his supervisor.  It went without question that Nick would have a crush on him.  He pushed every button for Nick.  So much intelligence and thirst for learning.  So authoritative and just that bit older and wiser...and of course, so fucking handsome.  Oh yes, Nick was smitten alright.  For years.

Nevertheless, he was sensible about it, he'd realised that this was one crush that would remain unrequited...most of his crushes did anyway, since he had a propensity to like straight men.  A major flaw for a gay man.  But he'd lived with it and managed well enough.  (He'd managed to get Matt after all; of course, he hadn't managed to keep Matt.)

But over the years things had changed; Nick really had become wiser as he got older. 

He'd realised very quickly that Sara Sidle was crazy to the point of actual madness over Grissom.  It was embarrassing to watch as she squirmed and twitched around him like an adolescent.  Grissom seemed to pay her little personal attention and yet appeared to worship her work.

He'd realised that maybe Catherine made quite a few errors of judgement and wasn't as lily white as he'd always supposed.  She was always scrupulous about her work, unless there happened to be some personal involvement, then all the rules and regulations flew out of the window.  She had Grissom wrapped around her little finger; he'd never bothered calling her on her cock ups.  No, that was generally exclusively reserved for none other than Nick Stokes, of course.

He'd realised that Warrick only fired on several cylinders.  He never put the effort into any of his cases that any of the rest of the team did...and still Gil gave him preferential treatment; thought him better than all of them...except Catherine, of course...and Sara.

He'd realised that Greg would never be quite as good out of the lab as he had been in the lab.  The guy was too scared of his own shadow – but too proud to go back.

And finally, he'd realised that the only person who ever saw his back, all the time, was Jim Brass.  He didn't actually know why.  But he liked the man; they worked well together and respected each other's judgment and hunches.

Sofia was really nice, but he always felt a little uncomfortable around her, he thought that maybe she 'liked' him but knew, as he was a gay man, she didn't stand a chance.  Frankly, there had been time when he might have made a move on her...just because he could.  But he didn't do that, certainly not after the fiasco that was Kristy.

Catherine had saved his bacon there - there was no denying her help.  Grissom had never mentioned it again after hearing Nick's confession in his office.  Not one single word.

Then there was Nigel Crane.  Yeah...there was Grissom again; apparently it wasn't personal to Nick, oh no, nothing to do with Nick.  Nobody got killed; nobody's privacy was invaded, because it wasn't personal.  Funnily enough Grissom had never mentioned that again either.

Even before that there was Grissom leaving him alone in a house, breaking his own rule...the absolutely under no circumstances be left alone in a house rule.   Nick laughed a miserable little laugh to himself.  Did Grissom ever mention that again?  No.

And that's how it'd gone over the years.  Whatever trauma, it went unheeded.  Whatever cock up, it was relentlessly pursued.  It had even occurred to Nick that maybe Grissom was homophobic.  Everyone knew but it was never mentioned and Nick was sensible enough to ensure that all his encounters, with men anyway, were done out of the glare of the PD and the lab.

It worked and time went by.  Nick had got better, much better, and was even recommended for promotion by Grissom, but that had fallen through when the funding was withdrawn.  And, of course, Grissom had never mentioned that again. 

Sara had been beside herself with rage as her exclusion and had a major meltdown.  Nick had heard about it all from a gay cop he knew.  DUI; but she had managed to scrape through because of a change in the blood alcohol level rules.  Lucky.  Nick always wondered if Grissom had ever discussed that with her.

But then after all this the very worst happened.  Walter Gordon happened.  Randomly; he really didn't choose Nick, it could have been anyone; it definitely could have been Warrick, but it was Nick.  No change there, then 

After the event Nick had been particularly surprised at the amount of people who did mention it.  Mostly to say that they couldn't have done what Nick had done.  They would have used the gun.

Nick had kept quiet; he very nearly did use the gun, he knew he was starting to hallucinate and had decided that he would pull the trigger and was summoning up the courage to do just that when the dirt was scraped aside and he saw Warrick and then Grissom.

He'd promised Grissom he'd stay still.  He'd actually promised what he thought was another hallucinatory figure, just like his father had been.  When next he'd surfaced he was in the hospital with his Momma holding his hand.  It had taken him some time to realise that he was safe and that he had been rescued.  But he had and with a determination to get back in the saddle just as soon as he possibly could.  Otherwise...well maybe he'd have never gone back...

***

Everyone had been staggered at the speed and completeness of his recovery.  He couldn't understand really, the whys himself...except it was case of doing or dying...  Maybe it was as simple as the fact he was just glad to be alive.  He was no longer that keen on bugs, but then he'd never been that fond of them anyway.  He'd had a few scary moments when he'd had to go into confined spaces, but that was all.

No one seemed to be able to understand that he was just fucking happy to be alive and out of that casket.  If was the most frightening thing that had ever happened to him and he hoped it would remain the most frightening thing ever to happen to him.  He'd also been sure that a fair number of people that he knew would not have been able to endure it as he had. 

But it was over; he'd lived.  But had Grissom ever spoken about that?

As a matter of fact he did, but not for several months and it was only after Kelly Gordon had killed herself.  Grissom had said, 'it's over'.  Or something like that, and Nick had been incredulous.  Firstly, because Grissom had mentioned it at all and secondly, because Nick knew that Grissom had withheld evidence and was probably fucking relieved that he wouldn't have to justify that to his bosses...or to Nick.

But those two words had ignited Nick's anger as nothing ever had before.  Maybe it was lurking around after his kidnap, just waiting for an appropriate moment to erupt.  And that was the moment.  But even then Nick had contained his anger for the rest of that shift, for the rest of that week even.

Until the Wednesday following that shift.  All of them had been despatched to a multiple murder scene that turned out to be a student hoax.  It was Nick who'd called it and he'd stayed at the scene to document the hoax and collect evidence of the stupid students who would probably be charged with wasting police time.

Grissom had stayed behind too; Nick had no idea why.  They'd worked in silence, mostly; just a few words were exchanged about various aspects of the case.  After getting on for two hours all the evidence was collected and documented.  Grissom had needed a ride back to the lab, since he'd arrived with Catherine, who was long gone.

They'd loaded Nick's truck and were ready to leave.  Grissom had hauled himself into the passenger seat and fastened his seat belt.

"You've been quiet tonight, Nick."  Grissom appeared to be quite happy.  The words were not uttered in an accusatory manner.

"So?"  But Nick hadn't been happy and his one word was spoken with venom.

Gil had looked across at Nick, his eyebrows raised.  "What's wrong?"

"Nothing at all, Grissom.  Nothing for you to worry about."

"Now I am worried."  Grissom was still being affable about Nick's manner.  He was very probably so unused to Nick behaving like that, that he'd thought it was some sort of joke.  This was not Nick Stokes' behaviour...it was more typical of Sara Sidle.

"Well don't be, you've never worried about me before and there's no need to start now."

"Nick, what's wrong?"

"Like I said, nothing."

"Well, in my experience, 'nothing' usually means a whole shit load of 'something'."

"That so?  You've got experience of dealing with shit, then?"

"If this is shit from you, Nick, then I don't have any experience at all, because you don't normally do 'shit'."  Grissom's manner was becoming a little more edgy.

"No, I don't, do I?  I take it all lying down and I've taken to wondering just where that's got me?  You know what?  It's got me nowhere, man.  Nowhere.  Fast. "

"Nick, what's got into you?"

"Nothing, forget it, save your breath for all the others."

"Stop the truck."

"What?  No."

"Stop the truck, now."  Grissom had left edgy behind and was pissed.

"Okay."  Nick had pulled over, abruptly, and put the truck in park – he'd left the engine idling.

"What are you talking about, what's got into you?"

"Nothing; like I said there's nothing for you to worry about, with me.  You can spend your time with the others, sorting through their shit, fixing their mistakes, keeping Sara off the bottle."  Nick knew he'd overstepped the mark with the last remark, but what the hell.  Grissom had needed to hear how it was for him; how everyone else orbited around Grissom's satellite and he was left drifting in space.

Nick had laughed to himself at the overblown rhetoric whirling around his mind.  It was nothing like that in reality and he knew it, but when everyone else had problems they stacked them up for Grissom to sort out in his inept manner.  The only ridiculous thing about that was that Grissom was inept and none of the problems ever got solved, really, just adjusted, dissembled maybe and then postponed to be reassembled at a later date.

Nothing was solved.  It had suddenly struck Nick how pointless his own anger was.  Grissom was completely unable to address any issue in a proper manner, otherwise, he'd have given Sara her marching orders, reported Catherine for misconduct, given Warrick a kick up his ass and made Greg return to the lab.

Nick was...jealous?  Jealous of the attention he'd thought he'd been lacking and it was suddenly as clear as day; he hadn't received attention from Grissom because he was totally unaware that Nick needed any...because he'd never complained and had hardly put a foot out of line and, Kristy notwithstanding, he actually didn't need any attention.

He'd relaxed and laughed again, a small self-deprecating laugh and had turned to Grissom.  "I'm okay now, just thought I needed to throw a fit.  It seemed that was the only way to get your attention, any recognition from you, but I just had an...epiphany...I guess you could call it.  I'm okay."

"You're not okay, you don't do this, you've never done this in all the years we've worked together.  What do you mean about attention?  I give you attention."

It had seemed to Nick that his laugh was already dying on his lips.  "Look, Grissom, forget it, it's done."

To stop further conversation, Nick had pushed the gear into drive and had driven off again as fast as the speed limit allowed.  He did have the last laugh to himself though, because absolutely in character, Grissom didn't speak again.  The 'problem' that Nick had presented had seemingly resolved itself and he didn't need any further intervention.  And as far as Grissom was concerned, Nick knew that that was a result.

The ride back to the lab had continued in silence.  Nick had booked the evidence in and it was assigned to the appropriate rat.  He busied himself building the case and liaising with Brass.  He'd had no further interaction with Grissom and shift had finished within an hour of normal for all of them; a fairly unusual occurrence.  No one had suggested breakfast so they'd all left to go their separate ways.

Nick had gone to the gym and had spent ninety minutes getting rid of his pent up aggression, but he'd felt better anyway.  He wasn't a naturally aggressive man and his realisation that Grissom was ineffectual with all of them, and not just himself, went quite some way to calming him down.

By the time he'd arrived back at his condo, with groceries purchased on the way home, he was calm and relaxed.  He'd thought that his brainstorm, or whatever it was, was over and his equilibrium had been restored.

He'd been putting his groceries in the cupboards and fridge when his doorbell rang.  He hadn't been expecting anyone and always cautious, he'd checked his gun in the drawer by the door, and then checked the peephole.  He'd groaned.  His only thought; 'shit'.

***

Grissom had been his visitor and he had been very surprised....and pissed. 

Nick had opened his door and looked at his visitor; he didn't speak.

"Are you going to keep me out here or invite me in?"

Nick still didn't speak but had stood aside, opened the door wider and motioned with his hand for Grissom to come into his home.

"Thanks."

"What brings you here?"

"You."

"I kind of figured it'd have something to do with me...this is my place."  Nick felt a little guilty for not playing his normal gracious host role, but what the hell; he didn't invite Grissom to visit with him.

"Pretty obvious, I have to agree."

There had been an uneasy silence.  Both men just standing in the middle of Nick's living room.  Since it was Nick's home he felt that he had the upper hand and he would be damned if he was going to 'break' first.  To his satisfaction it was Grissom who spoke first.

"I wanted...no, I needed to find out what you meant about you and me in the truck.  I need to know why you think I deal with everyone else's shit and not yours."

"It doesn't matter anymore, I told you, I figured it all out by myself?"

"Figured what?  I wish you'd share with me here, because I'm completely in the dark and I like to know what's going on."

"That's rich, Grissom, that's really rich coming from you."  Nick hadn't been able hold back on the bitterness he felt.  It had seemed his workout hadn't helped as much as he'd thought.

"I feel, Nick, as if I've walked in on half a conversation and have missed all the salient parts.  What exactly have I done to you?"

"Done?  That would be nothing.  Nothing at all."

"So, you were expecting me to do something and I haven't done it; but if I don't know what it is I was supposed to do I can't address the...problem."

Nick had taken a huge intake of breath at the manner in which Grissom had said 'problem'.  He hadn't missed the extra weight Grissom had put on the word and that was a clear indication to him that Grissom thought that whatever it was, was his problem...Nick's, not his...

"Man, the fucking audacity.  You know, Grissom, it seems to me that if you don't see it, or get it, then it doesn't exist..."

"...that's not true, but I'm not a mind reader, I haven't got any special powers and before the crime scene last night you were perfectly okay and then after the crime scene you were not.  I was not aware of anything happening during the couple of hours that we processed, but obviously something did."

"Perfectly okay...you think I was perfectly okay...I was buried alive and eaten alive and you withheld evidence about what happened.  When it all accidentally corrected itself you said that it's over....no more worries...forget it Nick, no problem...pretend it never happened...and you think I'm perfectly okay."

Grissom hadn't spoken; he'd looked at Nick with his mouth slightly agape, his face a picture of shock - as if he'd been shocked to his core.  Maybe he had.

The two men were still standing in the middle of the room, Grissom seemingly in shock and Nick rapidly descending into embarrassment.  Nick didn't want to speak again and suddenly remembered he still had food to put into his fridge and freezer.  So that's what he did, he returned to his kitchen and left Grissom in his living room.

Nick had thought it was about thirty seconds before Grissom had appeared at the door to his kitchen.

"I had no idea.  No idea you felt like this; you seemed to have accepted what happened and moved on.  I mean your doctor's report...the psychologists report said that your recovery had been...exemplary...that was the word he used.  Accepted what had happened and moved on and that you didn't want to dwell on it, you wanted to move on.  That's why I didn't speak to you, Nick.  I thought you didn't want to speak about it...I'm sorry I was wrong."

"You weren't wrong...not exactly.  I didn't want to keep being reminded of it but I thought you might have least have said something to me.  You didn't visit me in the hospital or here.  Not once.  No one said where you were.  But it's like everyone else vies for your attention and you give it to them, but you ignore me..."  Nick's little speech had petered out, he hadn't wanted the scene he'd created to go on much longer; he'd  suddenly felt ridiculously childish and knew he'd only been a step away from sounding petulant.  Sounding like Sara.  Fuck.

But then another altogether different thought had struck him.  "Is it because I'm gay?"

"No.  No.  Of course it isn't, Nick, you must know that I make no judgements about anyone in respect of their sexuality.  It's of no relevance at all...I mean it is important to you, obviously, but you've never displayed...no, that's the wrong word...you've never made it an issue for yourself or the lab...or me...please don't think that."   With the benefit of hindsight of course Nick knew that Grissom had been babbling but he'd missed it at that moment.

"So is it just the doctor's report about the abduction that stopped you from saying anything?  What about the evidence on the tape.  Archie knew."

"I know, I'm sorry about that.  In truth I didn't want anyone finding out that there was a taped record of you.  I thought you wouldn't want it known, so I swore Archie to secrecy and was...biding my time, really.  I never...you never...disappointed me, Nick; never."

"What the fuck?  You knew what I said?  You asshole, get out!  Fuck you!  I don't know how you've got the balls to speak to me about that after all this time and ignoring it before...who else knows?"  Nick had been really furious and acutely embarrassed.

"No one, Nick, I promise you, no one.  I thought if I mentioned it you would be embarrassed.  Do you want me to leave?"

"Yes.  No.  I don't know.  I don't know shit anymore."

"I've really fucked this up haven't I?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry.  I love my job as the scientist, the gatherer, the interpreter of evidence, but I'm no good at the personal stuff.  Never have been.  Can I put this right?"  He motioned with his hand between the two of them.

"There's nothing there to be put right, is there?  I'm hardly on your radar at all, am I?  I can't compete with Sara's issues.  I can't compete with Warrick being your rock.  I can't compete with Greg's brilliance or Catherine's temper.  I'm just the guy that gets all the...the crap thrown at him...but gets back on his feet and gets on with it time and time again.  I suppose I'd like to know why, though, Grissom.  Why are you like that to me?  If it's not me being gay, what is it?"

"There's nothing, Nick. I don't know where you're coming from, you've been a great asset to the lab...you don't have the problems, you don't cause any problems, you don't need your ego stroked every five minutes.  If I'm guilty of neglecting you it's because you've just got on with the job without me having to run interference."

"But you've never said.  You've never said anything to me about what I could do to become your 'rock', what I could do to have you say I've done good work.  You've never involved me in experiments like Greg.  It's like there's all of them and then me."

"I'm sorry if you see it like that.  I don't know what to say; I never intended you to think that way.  Because I didn't have to keep telling you these things I thought...I just thought you knew.  I'm sorry about your abduction; the randomness of it...you know the truth of the matter, Nick, is that out of all of us...absolutely all of us...only you were capable of surviving the ordeal.  When I read the doctor's report I was so proud of you, not just for surviving but for overcoming the ordeal, for moving on.  Who else could have done that?  Not one of us."

"You would."

"No, don't be so certain of that, I'm not."

They stood in silence again, this time Grissom leaned against the door jamb and Nick leaned on the counter.

"I could do with a beer, Nick.  Have you got one?"

"Yeah."  Nick had retrieved a cold beer, knocked the top off and passed it to Grissom. He'd taken several long gulps from the bottle.

"I needed that. Thanks."

"You want anything else?  To eat?"

"No, I'm good, thanks.  Well 'good' is probably not the right word."

"No, well.  Do you really think no one else would have survived?   Really?  Or are you just saying that."

"Not just saying it...if I haven't spoken to you, I've certainly spoken to everyone else about it and everyone agreed.  It takes a special type of person to survive and then recover from an ordeal like that.  An exceptional person.  The stuff of heroes.  People who just live their lives and then something happens and they rise to the occasion.  The only example I can think of is the ordinary guy who goes off to war and comes home an extraordinary guy because something happened and he rose to that occasion."

"So you're saying that anyone can rise to the occasion, not just me, if the circumstances are right?"

"Not exactly.  The people around that guy are never usually surprised...they all knew he was extraordinary and that he would prevail, he just didn't know it himself.  How did you cope, Nick?"

"Don't know.  I just did; there wasn't a lot I could do about it at the time.  The worst was how slow the time went by, how hot I was, how much I hurt, how tired I was...  It all seems like a dream now.  But once I got out I wasn't going to let it get the better of me..."

"...there...that's it...you, wouldn't let it get the better of you...that's the difference, Nick, that determination to move on, put it behind you."

"I had no choice though, did I?"

"Of course you did; you could have resigned, refused to deal with anything that had bugs on it, refused to go into confined spaces, refused to go out alone...you didn't flinch at anything.  Kept up your therapy because it was sensible.  You see it's all these things that set you apart."

"I did flinch."

"I bet you did, but did you then get on with your job?"

Nick had nodded and all of a sudden he'd felt a smile overtake him.  There he was in his kitchen with Grissom, who was actually telling him what a good guy he was.   He had felt better.  He'd smiled at Grissom and Grissom had smiled back.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah, I do."

"We probably all have some hidden strengths, Nick, but we don't get to use them, we just muddle along and live our lives and we're never called on to do something extraordinary.  You did.  You remember that.  Okay?"

"Yeah.  Yeah.  Look, sorry I was ornery, man..."

"'Ornery'?  Now that's a word I haven't heard for long time."  Gil laughed.

"My Momma calls Dad ornery, when he gets mad about something.  Fits me, I suppose, calling you - I'm sorry."

"Don't be; it's all fixed now...isn't yet?"

"Yeah, it is."

"If only all my problems were this easy."

"Hey, you think I'm easy?"

"Easy?  You?  No."  Nick had immediately picked up on the manner of Gil's denial.

"What do you mean, Grissom?"

"Nothing much..."

"You getting as bad as me, now?"

"No."

"This is like pulling teeth."

"Yes."

"What?"

"Really, it's nothing."

"Jeez Grissom, this is our conversation in reverse.  Tell me."  Nick had been exasperated by the sudden turnaround in the conversation and in Grissom's demeanour, which had been open and friendly and then had changed to being as cold as a chill wind.

"Nothing to tell.  I'm sorry I intruded in your day, I'll let you get on with...see you later, at work?"

"Okay.  If that's it."

"It is."  Gil had deposited his half empty beer bottle on the counter in Nick's kitchen, pushed himself off the door jamb, with what had appeared to Nick to be a great deal of effort and turned to leave.  He'd walked across the living room towards the front door.

Nick had stood watching this, puzzled about Grissom's behaviour and then he'd rushed across the room and up behind him...remembering his manners.  He'd reached for the door knob at exactly the same time as Grissom had reached and as such their bodies touched as they made to make the same manoeuvre.  Nick had felt the instant tension in Gil's body; it had almost screamed tension at him.

He'd smiled knowingly, almost a smirk, and had looked around at Grissom's face, which had been expressionless... except for his eyes...they were black and Nick had known exactly why that was the case...

***

"I must say you've hidden that very well, until now, at least."

"Nick don't."

"Why not?  Is it okay for me to be gay, but not you?"

"It's not that."

"Okay.  But you want a piece of my ass?"

"No. No."

"Okay."  Nick had smiled at Grissom, an open, amused expression on his face and had gone to open the door properly, but as he'd opened it Grissom had pushed it shut again.

"What do you want, Grissom?"

"You know full well."

"I do now."

Grissom had slammed Nick against the wall, pushing and holding onto his shoulders.  He'd leaned into Nick and kissed him.  Hard and demanding.  His mouth had been on Nick's mouth, his lips wet and hard and his tongue pushing at Nick's lips for them to open.  There was a clash of teeth and then Grissom's tongue was in Nick's mouth, pushing along Nick's tongue, racking along the surface, tasting Nick, but he was taking no time to savour the new flavour.

Nick had been passive, accepting the kiss but not returning it.  Loosely holding onto Gil's waist. 

As suddenly as it had begun, it was over.  Sweat had beaded Gil's face and his breathing had been like strangulated gasps.

"How long have you wanted to do that?"  Nick had whispered the question.  Gil's hands had still holding him and their bodies had still been touching.

"A long time.  I kept telling myself it'd get better. It'd go away..."

"...but it didn't."

"No."

"So that's why you kept me at arms' length...it had nothing to do with me being good at my job or being exceptional...all you really wanted was a piece of my..."

Grissom had pushed himself away from Nick and stood back; he'd looked very angry, as angry as Nick had ever seen him.  "How dare you say that.  My personal feelings for you had fuck all to do with your work and until this moment you knew nothing...fuck all.  How dare you..."  He'd turned away from Nick and opened the door and was out of it while Nick was still leaning against the wall and he'd felt the vibration in the wall through his body as Gil had slammed the door shut.

For some moments he'd remained against the wall, still reeling from Gil being as angry as he'd ever seen him.   And then he'd thought he ought to apologise...he had been out of line...accusing him of some kind of latent sexual harassment.  He recovered his wits and opened his door and flung himself onto the balcony of his apartment block and ran along to the stairs as he looked for Grissom in the parking lot below.  He was just by his truck.

"Hey!"  Nick had shouted but was ignored.  "Hey, Grissom, wait."  He'd shouted again as he'd thrown himself down the stairs, very nearly tripping over his feet, but as he'd reached the bottom all he'd seen was the tail lights on Grissom's truck as he'd braked as he checked for traffic before driving off the lot.  Nick had started to run but then stopped.  He'd made a fool of himself already; he wasn't going to compound the issue by running after a moving truck.

He'd gone back to his apartment and slammed the door himself as he'd gone back inside.  What an idiot.  What a moron. What an asshole.  What he needed was a pint of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough or chunky monkey.  What he'd actually got in his freezer was their poor relation.  Natural flavour frozen yoghurt.  In the end he had a beer and sat down in front his TV with a sports programme blaring out its enthusiasm.  Something's never change.

He was pissed at Grissom, he'd known that, but that was no excuse for being downright rude to the man.  What he'd said was true, he didn't know how to handle people but then he hadn't wanted to be a supervisor...all those years ago Nick had thought it had been a temporary thing while they investigated Holly's death...and he was still there today and still making a mess of things.

But then what had he just done?   Made a mess of things.  He had had a crush on the guy...not much of one, really, because he'd been unobtainable and straight, hadn't he?  And anyway he'd thought Grissom didn't even like him and yet, all the time Grissom had been crushing on him.  Man!  If it hadn't been so fucking tragic it would have be funny.  His Momma would be furious as his behaviour.  She'd make him apologise...and just like that Nick had his answer. 

If Grissom had come to him to find out why he'd behaved like he did...then he could surely go to Grissom and apologise.  He did know where he lived but had only been there that once...years ago.  When he'd been suspended and then nearly gotten killed by...by...Sid Goggle.  That was the guy.

Nick had left his half empty bottle of beer next to Grissom's and had headed to his bathroom.  A shower and shave and change of clothing had made him feel a little more presentable.  So about forty minutes later he'd headed over to Grissom's town house.  He'd felt very confident that Grissom would accept his apology, since it would be ungentlemanly not too...and Grissom was nothing if not a gentleman.  Well, maybe not exactly a gentlemen but certainly a stickler for protocol.  As he'd driven over he'd tried to think of an apt description for Grissom.

He couldn't.

By the time he'd turned into Grissom's street his confidence had disappeared, shattered into little pieces and he'd come to the conclusion that Grissom defied description.  He was, in fact, just Grissom.  A one off.

He'd parked up a few houses down from Grissom's house and sat with the engine idling.  Grissom's truck was on his driveway.  Had he got the balls to do this?   He'd got this far and it would be a waste of time to just turn around.  He'd faced worse situations...fuck: much worse situations.

Go on, he'd urged himself...do it.   He'd rolled his truck another thirty feet and had cut the engine and jumped out.  He couldn't stall again otherwise he would have turned and left.

He'd rung the bell and waited.  Nothing.  He'd rung it again.  Nothing.  He'd walked to the side of the house and tried to peer over the fence...it was too high to see over it properly.  So he'd walked back towards the front door just in time to see it closing.  So he'd run back up to it and rung the bell again.  A few moments later it had opened and Grissom had stood there in his pyjamas and robe.

"I thought it was your truck."

"Sorry to get you up..."

"...I hadn't got into bed."

"Then I'm sorry to disturb you."

"If you're sorry, then why did you disturb me?"

"I had to apologise after my behaviour back at my place.  After you'd gone I could hear my mother's voice telling me how badly I'd behaved..."  He'd continued with a good impression of his mother.  "...now you get over there and apologise for your bad manners, Nicholas Stokes."

Grissom had nodded and smiled at the imitation.  "Mother's do that to you."

"Sure do.  I'm sorry, please forgive me."

"Thanks, okay...I'm off to bed then, bye."  Grissom had almost closed the door but had then stopped and re-opened it.  "What I can't get round my head around, is the way you changed.  All these years if I hadn't have known you were gay I would never have guessed.  And yet in moments, when you realised what had been going on you changed into some kind of predatory animal; purring like a big cat...a leopard or a cheetah...gay..."

"...is this some kind of complement?"

"No."

"Oh."

"It was going to be a question."

"About why I changed?"

"Yes."

"Then the answer is: I don't know, I didn't know that I was doing it."

Grissom had nodded as if that was a sufficient explanation and even though it had sounded lame to Nick, it was the truth.

"I'll see you at work tonight."  Grissom had dismissed him.

"Okay."  Nick hadn't made it any further that Grissom's front door step; but he'd smiled, turned and left.

As he'd driven home he'd thought that he had accomplished what he set out to do but at the same time he'd been strangely disappointed.  He'd missed a chance...a really good chance...of snatching Grissom from right under Sara's nose.  He wasn't vindictive but he was well pissed at Sara's territorial attitude over Grissom and, truth be told, he wasn't the only one who felt like that.  In fact, there was no one in the lab, that he knew, who wasn't equally pissed, so what a coup that would have been.  At least he'd got a kiss...  And just like that, as he'd remembered the kiss, he'd gotten hard and straining in his pants.  Weird because when he'd been kissed by Grissom, he hadn't...

***

Nick was nothing if not philosophical.  There was no mileage in crying over spilt milk.  He didn't know if he'd even stood a chance with Grissom and he'd reckoned he'd never know.  It was over before it began.  At least that was what he'd thought.

He'd been completely blindsided when that very night Grissom had paired himself with him to deal with a quite minor fire investigation.  It hadn't gone unnoticed; it was not unheard of but it wasn't a common occurrence and he'd suffered a hard stare from Sara and some banter from Warrick in the rest room.

"You must have done something really bad, man, to have Gris 'round your neck two shifts on the go."

"I just hope he doesn't find the body...it was a bitch cutting it up."

They'd laughed as they'd gone their separate ways.

They'd gone in Grissom's truck and Nick had sat in silence.  He'd decided between the rest room and the truck that keeping his own counsel, as advised by his Momma, was good advice to follow on such an occasion.  He hadn't felt it was uncomfortable for them...Grissom was as renowned for his silences as he was his lectures.

About twenty minutes into the ride he'd spoken and Nick had jumped slightly; he'd been engrossed in trying to figure out how a burglar had got into a house in a case he was still investigating from a couple of shifts ago.

"I suppose you're wondering why I decided to come out with you tonight...again."

"Not really."  He'd been truthful...he'd given up trying to reason out Grissom's reasoning years ago.  He'd looked across at him and seen the sceptical look but Grissom must have seen the truth in Nick's manner and the look softened.

"I think we got off to very bad start.  I wanted to apologise myself.  I was just as ornery as you."

"Bad start?"  Nick hadn't missed that.

"I was wondering if perhaps we could go out."

"Out?"  Nick had squeaked and he'd had to clear his throat to continue.  "Like on a date, out?"  

"Is it that such a ridiculous idea?"  Grissom had sounded amused.

Nick had paused and thought about that for a few moments.  No, he'd thought, it wasn't ridiculous.  "No, it isn't.  Okay, then."

"It's your day off tomorrow and I'm at court, so how about a dinner tomorrow evening?"

He'd been going out with some friends...but hell, he'd blown them off for the date.  A date with Gil Grissom.

They'd worked together efficiently and quickly and the whole time Nick had been concentrating on trying to find a solution to a new problem.  How to slip into a conversation, with Sara, that he was going out on a date with her heartthrob.  He'd known it was mean, but what the hell...it had been that thought and not even the date that had kept a little smile on his face all that night.

Grissom had said he'd pick up Nick at seven-thirty and had asked if there was anywhere he'd like to go...or not go, as the case may be.

"I eat just about anything and everything...except peanut butter...which I hate with a passion."

"No PBJ sandwiches for you then?"

"No way!  Man, and if your idea of taking me out for a date is to buy me a PBJ...then I might have to re-think it."  He'd spoken quite seriously.

"I was thinking more along the lines of making the sandwiches and finding somewhere to eat them."  Grissom had responded equally seriously and they'd looked at one another for a moment or two and then smiled.

It was then that Grissom had dropped the bombshell and crushed Nick's hope of his sharing with Sara.

"I think it's best if we keep this between ourselves...for the time being a least...you know Supervisor...staff member.  It would be circumspect for us both."

Nick had agreed and had admitted to himself that he would never have whispered a word of it to Sara.  He was neither that stupid...nor that brave.

Grissom had taken him to some obscure Greek restaurant out on the edge of the city...whether it was because the food was good, (it was) or it out of the way of any prying eyes (it was) Nick didn't know.  What he did know was that they had a great time. He hadn't been nervous...he knew Grissom well...work Grissom, that was.  But out of work Grissom wasn't much different.   He still lectured about things...only it wasn't forensics or bugs, but about other things.  His love of opera; Nick knew quite a bit because his Dad was keen and although the love hadn't rubbed off on Nick, who was mostly a rock and roll and country kind of guy, he could still hold a reasonable conversation about it.

About sports; this had turned out to be interesting because...and who knew...that they were both geeks about the statistics as well as the game.

And Grissom had asked Nick about his pastimes.  Nick was keen on keeping fit and working out and he spent about six or seven hours a week at the gym.

"So that's why you look so good?"

"I try."  Nick smiled at the compliment.  "But my other major pastime is carpentry."

"Really?  I think Warrick told me years ago that you made toys for your nieces and nephews."

"Yeah, I do.  I get requests...I made a puppet for one present and then got inundated with requests for puppets for the all the others...so I made a little family of them and when the cousins all get together they all  kind of fit together.  A mom, dad and children and a dog and cat."

"That's fascinating.  You mean puppets on strings?"

"Yes.  Strings.  I make them articulated and they move quite well...better each time I make one."

"What else have you made?"

"Two rocking horses and three rocking cradles for dolls...my present project is a major one.  I'm making a dolls house with all the furniture and some figures.  It's quite hard going because it's so intricate.  Something's are too fiddly for my clumsy fingers."  He'd laughed at himself.

"One thing you haven't got, Nick, is clumsy figures.  I know that from watching you collect and process evidence over the years.  And if you were that clumsy I would see the result of it with cuts and grazes to your hands.  I've never seen one."

Nick had been called on it and he knew; he shrugged.  "Some of the bits are mighty small..."

"...mighty small...an excellent oxymoron!"  Gil had exclaimed and laughed and Nick had laughed with him.

They'd left the restaurant nearly three hours after they'd arrived, well fed and watered and both in good moods following the successful date.  Grissom walked Nick to the passenger door of his truck and didn't open the truck but gently pushed Nick against the truck and kissed him.  Not hard and demanding but insistent enough for him to pull back breathlessly a minute or two later.

"You want to come back to my place?"  Gil had enquired.

"Yeah, why not?"  He'd tried for nonchalant, but there was no way that Nick was going to pass on that request.

***

Next part of Fun.