Title: Healthy
By: reversedsam
Pairing: Cath/Sara
Fandom: CSI: Vegas
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimers: They're not mine, but I promise I'll have them back by midnight.
A/N: All mistakes and British spellings are mine.
Summary: Catherine has some explaining to do.

***

This isn't healthy. It never was. In no way could our relationship ever have been defined as healthy. Pity I found that out after I fell for her.

She used me. Plain and simple. And once again, I was so fucking stupid that I let it happen.

We may not have put a definition on our relationship. But I foolishly assumed we were more than fuck buddies. Fuck buddies don't talk afterwards. They don't laugh together. They're not there for each other when things get rough. They don't fall asleep in each others arms. Or so I thought.

I admit, our relationship was very physical. But aren't new relationships meant to be like that? Aren't you meant to be overcome with desire? So I put it down to that. I was even happy about it. I finally had her and it seemed she was happy too. How fucking stupid was I?

We even went on dates. Okay, it wasn't fancy restaurants and things like that. And half of the time it was just a prelude to the dessert we couldn't wait to get home for. But it was still dates. Dates that she acted like she wanted to be on. When she was just stringing me along.

So I made the stupid, fucked up mistake of thinking I meant something to her. That I wasn't just a quick fuck she used to pass the time. Someone to work off the tension with until something better came along. Once again, wrong, Sidle.

And god when she touched me. Sure I've had great sex before, but being with her is like nothing I've ever felt. She's gentle and giving, yet passionate and intense. I lost myself completely when she touched me. And making love to her was beyond anything I'd ever imagined.

I know she was there too. That she enjoyed it as much as me. I thought that it was me she wanted. Not just someone in her bed. Nice to know I'm a good fuck, if nothing else.

We could have been so good together. I would have done just about anything to make her happy. I always thought she deserved someone who wanted her for herself. Wanted to make her happy just because they loved her.

Now? Now I think she's a heartless bitch.

I can't even bring myself to speak to her now. Can't look at her. Don't want to think about her. I wish I'd never met her.

It's my fault anyway. Why did I have to tell her I loved her?

Because I'm a fuck up that's why. A useless fuck up. And let's face it; she could have anyone she wants. Why would she want a fuck up like me? Nobody has before.

God, I bet she laughed to herself when I told her I loved her. Wondered how on earth I could think I meant something to someone like her. I bet she decided right there and then that it was time to move on.

So she broke up with me. Or rather I broke up with her. But then I found out I wasn't enough for her anyway, she was screwing around. I caught her kissing her latest boy toy. In her office no less. She couldn't even be bothered to be discreet. So I broke up with her.

She tried to talk to me about it but I didn't want to listen. Like I haven't let her fuck with me enough. After a week or so she gave up. Lost interest. But then why wouldn't she? I was just an easy fuck to her anyway.

A point she proved a week later when she started parading around the lab with the same guy I caught her kissing. I threw up the first time he came to pick her up from work. Then I went out and drank myself stupid.

See, yet more proof that I'm a total fuck up.

Tonight he was taking her out. It's their second date. She got changed in the locker room. Didn't care if I saw. I wanted to throw up. I guess it's fancy restaurants for him because she sure looked the part. He must mean something to her. Unlike me.

So here I am. Sat in my apartment with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Trying to forget how she looked kissing him. How she smiled when he opened the car door for her. That was my fucking smile. She should be kissing me. Fuck him, and fuck her. He's welcome to her.

Maybe if I drink enough I'll convince myself I actually mean that. Maybe if I drink enough I'll forget how much I'm hurting.

Let's find out shall we.

I'm just about to cause myself some nice liver damage when I hear a knock on my front door.

I don't care who it is. They can fuck off. I have all the company I need tonight.

"Sara, I know you're in there. You might as well open the door, because I'm not leaving until you do."

Catherine? Fuck that woman's got some nerve. I've stayed the hell away from her since this happened. You'd think she'd have got the message.

Taking another mouthful of JD I get to my feet and head in the opposite direction of the to the door. I'm going to ignore her. Let her suffer, just like I am.

"Grow the fuck up and open this door Sidle."

Oh that's it. She just earned herself an argument. It's about time I got a few things off my chest.

I practically throw the door of its hinges when I get to it.

"What the fuck do you want?"

***

"I want to talk to you." She says, trying to walk into my apartment.

"Pity I don't want to listen." I move, blocking her entrance. "Now if you don't mind, I'm busy." I say, waving the bottle of JD and closing the door. The doors progress is stopped by her hand.

"I wasn't giving you a fucking choice." I'm shocked by the tone of her voice. And when her hand comes up and knocks the bottle from my hand, I jump slightly. "Seems your schedule just opened up."

I've never seen her like this before. I'm to drunk to be scared by it though. And I'm too busy looking at the broken bottle on the floor that I fail to stop her side stepping me.

"Whatever excuse you're here to give me, I don't want to hear. Might as well save your breath."

"Then don't listen. I'll say what I came here to say. Then I'll leave."

"Right. You need to clear your conscience. Come here, spout some shit at me. Then you can sleep easy. Well you know what? Fuck you. I don't give a fuck about how you feel. So go make yourself feel better elsewhere. I'm sure the new boyfriend has one or two methods that might work."

She visibly flinches at my words and I smile. I've never been one for spite. But then I've never had my heart broken before either. I'll probably regret it tomorrow, but right now I want to hurt her. Want to make her feel some of what I'm feeling.

"I'm not seeing him. I never was."

"Not seeing him? He just a fuck buddy too?" I spit. "Jesus you get through them, don't you?"

"Fuck buddy?" I watch her brow crease in confusion. Watch as my words sink in. "Is that all I was to you?"

I see tears well up in her eyes. And despite how much I'm hurting, my first instinct is to comfort her. But I won't. Fuck her for thinking that turning on the water works is going to work. "Me? I wasn't the one screwing around."

"I wasn't sleeping with anyone but you. But it's good to know you think I'm a complete slut."

"Don't try to turn this around. I saw you kissing him. Saw you..."

She cuts me off. "No, you didn't. You saw him kiss me. There's a difference."

I find myself scoffing at her words. She must think I'm so fucking stupid. "How stupid do you think I am?"

"I'll prove it. Kiss me."

"What?" Why can't she just leave me alone? Hasn't she hurt me enough? Why did she come here and start playing games with me? "Fuck you."

"Just kiss me." She insists. She's got that fire in her eyes. It's one of the things that made me fall for her in the first place.

She steps closer and I want to scream. Every single cell in my body is telling me to kiss her. Just once more.

"Sara. Kiss me."

I can't stop myself. I hate her for doing this to me. For knowing she has enough of a hold on me, and using it. I move forward and press my lips against her, my hand grabbing the back of her head. She doesn't respond to my kiss.

I pull back, thinking I've shocked her then lean back in. Still nothing, no response at all.

"What the fuck?" I step back away from her. Yet more fucking games.

"That's the difference. He kissed me, I did not kiss him. Why would I?"

I see why she's trying to do. But it's not going to work. "Right. I suppose you didn't go on dates with him either."

"No, actually I didn't."

I can feel myself getting angrier. "What kind of idiot do you think I am? I saw you." I shout.

"No, you saw me get in his car twice. Once to drive me home, once to drive me to the rampart."

"Don't fucking lie to me Catherine." I shout at her. I've been pacing up and down in front of my front door. Trying to keep my thoughts together enough to actually have the conversation. And I'm 'starting to lose the fight.

Unexpectedly she grabs me and slams me against the wall. I try to move but the alcohol has me a little of balance.

"Look, you wouldn't speak to me. I had to do something to get your attention. So I asked him to drive me home one night. He agreed, since he caused the problem in the first place. You went out that night and got drunk didn't you?"

I don't answer. She knows me well enough that I don't need to.

"Then I got him to drive me to the rampart tonight. Make it look as though we had a big date. I had dinner with my Mom and Sam, then came here. I knew you'd come home and start drinking. So I gave you a little time. Let you get a little drunk, I knew that way you'd open the door just to argue with me."

Once she's finished speaking she steps back, letting me go.

I'm stunned that she'd go to this much trouble. That's some imagination she's got. "I don't believe a word."

"Then don't take my word. Check the security cameras at the hotel. You'll see what time I got there, and what time I left."

My head is spinning. I'm confused. I want so badly to believe her. "Why? Why would you do all that?"

I feel the tears sting at my eyes and I fight them. I don't want her to see how weak I am.

She laughs slight before answering. Her voice full of frustration. "Because I'm head over fucking heels in love with you, you idiot. And if you thought I was going to give you up without a fight, then you don't know me at all."

***

I can feel my head shaking. No. She just told me she loves me? She can't mean that. I feel myself sinking to the floor. I can't hold in the tears. Within seconds she's next to me. Wrapping her arms around me. Holding me to her as the sobs rack my body.

Confusion is overwhelming me. I was so certain before she came. Whatever was between us was over. I wasn't about to let someone treat me like shit yet again. Now here she is, offering me everything I've ever wanted. But I just can't believe her, why would she love me?

"Why?" I manage to croak when the sobs lessen and I can get my breath.

"I told you Sara. I'm in love with you. I can't give you up." She tells me. Shifting as she speaks. Cupping my face in her hands so she can look at me.

"No. Why me? I'm a fuck up Catherine. You deserve better."

Her eyes widen and she shakes her head. "You're the most amazing person I know Sara. You've had so much to overcome and yet you've never let it stop you. If anything, you deserve better than me."

I go to protest. Tell her she's wrong but she stops me.

"So you think you're a fuck up? I can deal with that. As long as you're my fuck up." She smiles. "Then I get the chance to show you how wrong you are. Make you see what I see."

I can feel some of the tension I've been carrying for weeks slowly leave me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. If I say it enough, it might sink in. I might believe it.

"Look at you. You look a mess." She laughs as her thumb brushes my cheek. "You're half drunk; you've got mascara all over your face from crying and your hairs a mess. And you know what I think?"

I shake my head.

"I think you're beautiful. I need for you to believe me when I tell you I love you. I would never cheat on you."

"When I told you I loved you, you didn't answer, didn't say anything at all." I've been thinking about that since it happened. I think that's why I'm having a hard time believing she loves me.

"No, think about it. Your phone went a second later and you, Miss scared of my reaction, you actually answered it."

I remember. She looked so shocked when I said it. I just wanted to take it back. So when the phone went I was grateful. It took to focus away from my monumental fuck up. So in fact, I didn't give her chance to respond. "You just looked so shocked; I thought I'd scared you away." I admit quietly.

I lift my head to look at her when I hear her laugh softly. "Of course I was speechless; you'd just told me you loved me. I was amazed. I know how guarded you are. How hard it is for you to let people in. I also know you'd never have said it unless you meant it."

"I'm confused." I bring a hand up to wipe my face. The alcohol is starting to wear off now and exhaustion is starting to set it. "I want so badly to believe you. I just need time to think."

She nods, moving to stand up and pulling me with her. We're still just inside my door; we never made it in to the apartment.

"I'll go. Let you get some sleep." She moves to open the door but stops. Turning back to face me. "I meant what I said. And if you don't believe anything else, believe that I love you. That I'm in love with you."

As she turns to leave once more I grab her arm. The thought of her leaving makes me sick. I need her tonight. I need her to hold me. "Please don't leave me. I don't want to be alone tonight."

Without a word she takes my hand and walks towards the bedroom. I don't know if I can be with her now. But I do believe her. I believe she loves me. As for the rest? I don't know. But at least now I feel as though I can face it.

She loves me. And god knows I love her.

Maybe this isn't unhealthy after all.

***