Title: Advent Calendar (December 6): Home for the Holidays
Author: stellaluna_
Pairing: Stella/Lindsay
Fandom: CSI: NY
Summary: Holiday shopping can get overwhelming.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: None of these are mine. Characters are the property of Anthony Zuiker, Jerry Bruckheimer Television, CBS, and Alliance Atlantis.
Notes: This is my attempt at a fic version of an Advent calendar. There will be 25 of these.

***

They start shopping first thing in the morning, and by eleven, in the middle of the jewelry department at Lord & Taylor, Lindsay is starting to get a glazed look in her eyes. Stella asks and she says she's fine, but when Stella looks over at her again, Lindsay is still staring at the same display of Badgley Mischka rings that she was looking at five minutes ago. Stella sets down the Betsey Johnson charm bracelet she's been looking at and wades through the crowd. Lindsay jumps a little when she puts a hand on her arm.

"Okay," Stella says. "Even if you don't need a break, I do. What do you say we go get some coffee?"

Lindsay looks up slowly, blinking at her. "Sure, that sounds good," she says, still sounding vague.

"Great. These aren't really your style anyway, are they?"

Lindsay smiles. "No, not so much."

"Let's go, then." Stella starts to maneuver toward the exit, half-sorry that she didn't bring her gun today, or at least a bullhorn. Or Flack. That would clear people out of the way in a hurry.

Stella breathes a sigh of relief when they walk out onto Fifth Avenue and the cold air hits her face; it feels good after the stifling heat inside the store. "That's better," she says, shifting her bags to one hand so she can pull her coat around her. "Now let's go put our feet up."

Lindsay seems to come a little more alive on the walk over to Madison, but she still isn't saying much. Stella chalks this up to shopping overload; honestly, she doesn't mind a few minutes of quiet herself, and so she doesn't try to make conversation after the first block or so.

In the Starbucks on 41st, she gets Lindsay's order and then sends her off to a table with their packages. The place isn't too crowded yet, or at least it's not as bad as the one back on Fifth and a few blocks further down usually is, but it's better not to take chances. Stella watches Lindsay shrug out of her coat and run a hand through her hair, and then just go still as she leans against the table, staring out the window. She still has that same far-off look on her face that Stella noticed back at Lord & Taylor, and now she's starting to wonder if it's just shopping glaze or something else.

She doesn't jump into that right away, though. She brings their coffee over to the table and sits down across from Lindsay. "Oh, that feels good," she says after she's taken a sip of her coffee.

"I know," Lindsay says. "I think I wouldn't mind staying here for the rest of the day."

"How's the shopping coming along?" Stella asks.

"Pretty good. I think my mom will like the ornaments I picked out for her."

Stella nods. "They're really pretty. I only have a couple more people to buy for, but I'm not sure I'm up to finishing today."

"Neither am I. I wanted to get it all done before I go back to Montana, but I don't know if I can."

"You'll work it out," Stella says. "When do you leave?"

"The 21st," Lindsay says. "I'll be back the 26th." She looks down, fiddling with her napkin.

"Looking forward to it?" Stella asks.

"I guess," Lindsay says after a pause. "I mean, sure. It'll be great." Her voice rises with fake cheer, and the smile on her face now isn't any more real.

"Lindsay," Stella says, leaning across the table. "Hey, Lindsay."

Lindsay twists the napkin. "I'm doing that thing again, I know," she says. Her cheeks are bright red. "That thing where I act like everything is fine when obviously it's not." She looks up at Stella, twisting the napkin between her hands.

"Yeah, you kinda are," Stella says, as gently as she can.

"And I know I shouldn't. It's...I know it's you and I don't have to," Lindsay says.

Stella touches her hand. "No, you don't. And I wish you wouldn't."

"It's not even a big deal. It's just the whole family Christmas thing," Lindsay says. She bites her lip a little, but Stella just nods, and after a moment she keeps talking. At least, Stella thinks, she's been able to make her understand that it's okay to talk about family around her. For all that she has a way of making Mac look like an open, emotionally stable person, that was one thing that Lindsay had gotten quickly: that it was more insulting and embarrassing when people tried to avoid the issue, as if that were even possible. That understanding was one of the things that had helped them open up to each other a little more.

"My mom will probably be okay," Lindsay goes on, "but my dad might or might not be talking to me. It all depends on what kind of mood he's in when I get there. And then there's the rest of my relatives. No matter what, everyone will make veiled comments about me being a cop, and don't I think I should give that up already to move back to Montana? And how do I cope in that awful city, oh my God, I can't believe you pay so much for a studio apartment."

She pauses to take a sip of coffee. "You should lie and tell them your bathtub is in the living room," Stella says. "Really shake them up."

"I should," Lindsay says. "It's so tempting. Because then someone will ask me why I'm not married, and of course I haven't told them yet that I like girls. And my Aunt Carol will ask me what's wrong with my hair, and I'll probably end up going out to the stables to hang out with the horses, just so I can get some peace and quiet. Stop laughing!"

"I'm not," Stella says, but she can barely get out the words, and finally Lindsay starts laughing, too.

"I know it's trite," Lindsay says, after they've managed to calm down, "but that's the problem. Going back there feels like a step back. They haven't changed, but I have. Every single time they make me feel like a dumb, angry kid again. And then I come back here, and I walk around the city feeling embarrassed, like I'm just this little hayseed girl from Montana, like I was when I moved here. Like everyone can see that, and they're all laughing at me."

"Lindsay," Stella says, serious again now, "from what I hear from other people who go home to their families, almost everyone feels the same way. You're not the only one."

"I know." Lindsay shakes her head. "I just can't shake the feeling."

"Well, that's one good thing about being an orphan," Stella says. "I get to choose my family. Actually, I think you can do that even if you didn't grow up in St. Basil's."

"Really?" Lindsay says.

"Really. What do you say we give up on shopping and go back to my place?" she says. "I'll put on some Christmas music and we can relax."

"I'd like that," Lindsay says. "I do have more shopping to do, but you can't come with me, because I still have to get your present."

They smile at each other. Lindsay puts her hand over Stella's, and suddenly it's one of those good moments when the whole city goes quiet around them. Stella takes another sip of her coffee, and it's hot and good, as warm as Lindsay's hand on hers.

***