Title: How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Las Vegas/CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Table:Un-themed 4, mission_insane
Prompt: 2, Goodbye
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Ryan Wolfe, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Greg looked down at the tombstone in front of him, struggling to hold back his tears. He still came here every year on the anniversary of Warrick's death, and it always affected him in the same way, with the tears coming to the surface. He supposed that it always would.

But at least this time, he had Ryan here with him. His boyfriend's arm was around his waist, holding him close, letting him know that he wasn't alone. This was the first time that he'd had this kind of support, and if he was honest with himself, he could admit that it was badly needed.

"You really close to him, weren't you?" Ryan asked softly, the words more of a statement than a question. It was obvious that Greg had been close to Warrick; his boyfriend was just searching for something to say, something appropriate, anything to break the silence.

Greg nodded, forcing the words out through a throat that felt constricted, the words thick with tears. "He was the best friend I've ever had," he said quietly, trying not to let the tears come. He didn't need to cry now, not when they'd only just gotten here.

"It's always hard to lose a friend," Ryan said quietly, the warmth of his voice wrapping around Greg just like an embrace. "I know what it's like, Greg. I lost a close friend named Jesse when I was in Miami. But we caught the bastard who was responsible for his death."

Greg nodded, still looking down at Warrick's tombstone. His knees popped as he slowly knelt, placing the armful of flowers he carried in front of the stone. He didn't get back up immediately, and Ryan didn't kneel beside him, but remained standing respectfully.

He didn't know why he'd brought Ryan here; this was usually a pilgrimage that he undertook by himself. But somehow, he'd felt the need to share his best friend with the man he loved; Warrick had been such a big part of his life that he wanted to share his feelings with Ryan.

"He taught me so much about how to be a good CSI," Greg whispered, his voice choked. "And all that he told me went a long way to making me the person I am. Without him, I'd be a really different person, and you might not have fallen in love with me."

Ryan shook his head, finally kneeling beside Greg and taking his hand. "I'd have fallen in love with you no matter what," he said softly. "You're the only man for me, Greg. It wouldn't matter if you were different. I'd still love you, because you'd still be .... well, you."

Greg blinked back tears again, managing a smile. "Yeah, I guess I would be," he murmured, sitting down on the cold ground and resting his chin in his hands. "But he helped mold me into who I am. It wasn't that long ago that he died, but sometimes it feels like an eternity."

"I know how that feels," Ryan said, reaching out to place a hand on Greg's knee and squeezing gently. "It can take a long time to get used to the fact that they're gone. Sometimes I still can't believe that it's been a few years since Jesse died. Sometimes it feels like yesterday."

"I keep telling myself that it'll get easier the longer he's gone, and sometimes that feels like the truth," Greg whispered, still trying to hold back his tears. "But sometimes, it feels like I'm just lying to myself, and that I"ll always miss him and there'll always be a big hole in my life."

"Was he .... more than a friend to you?" Ryan asked, his voice hesitant. "Were you in love with him? I think I might have been a little bit in love with Jesse, and that's why it was so hard to let go. Even now, there are times when I can feel him beside me."

"No, I wasn't in love with him at all," Greg said, shaking his head. "We were just really close friends. He was kind of like a brother to me, even though that might sound a little crazy because he was older and a lot more worldly than I was at the time. It was like .... having a mentor."

No, that wasn't quite true, he told himself even as he spoke. Grissom had filled that spot for him, for as long as the other man had been the head of the CSI team. But now, there were times when he still felt rudderless and alone, even though he had Ryan in his life.

"I know what you're going through," Ryan said softly, squeezing his knee again. "How can I help you to say goodbye, Greg? If there's anything I can do, any way I can help, I will. I hate to see you so sad, even though I understand why you feel that way."

"I don't think you can ever help anybody to say goodbye to a close friend," Greg said, turning his head to look at his boyfriend. "I think each person has to say goodbye in their own way, and in their own time. But I do appreciate the thought, Ry."

"I just don't want to see you struggle with this," Ryan told him, his voice full of concern. "I didn't have anybody to help me say goodbye to Jesse. The rest of the team in Miami didn't know it, but for a while, I went to his grave every day. I couldn't stop myself."

"But you were a little in love with him," Greg said softly, taking Ryan's hand in his and twining their fingers together. "It was different for you. Even though you were never lovers, you had a stronger feeling for him than just being close friends. It went deeper for you."

"What you're dealing with is just as hard," Ryan answered, raising Greg's hand to his lips and kissing the other man's knuckles. "If there's anything I can do, just tell me. And any time you need to talk about Warrick, I'm here to listen. I wish I'd known him. He sounds like a great guy."

"He was," Greg said with a soft smile. "The smartest guy I've ever known. He'd made some bad choices in his life, but he rose above them and became a better person. And he taught a lot of others how to be better people along the way. He really was one in a million."

"You were lucky to have a friend like him," Ryan said, returning the smile. "I wish I'd have had somebody like him when I was in Miami. I didn't until Jesse came along, and he was taken away from me way too soon. But at least we both had that kind of friendship in our lives for a while."

"We were both lucky to have friends who we could count on," Greg said, focusing his attention on Warrick's tombstone again. "And they're still with us, in a way. Everything that they taught us, and everything they meant to us, is always going to be a part of who we are."

Ryan nodded, tears coming into his eyes as he squeezed Greg's hand. "You're right about that. And neither of them will ever be forgotten -- not by us, and not by all the people they helped and touched in their lifetimes. We don't really ever have to say goodbye."

"We'll see them again," Greg agreed, blinking back his tears one more time and giving Ryan a smile as he got to his feet and held out his hand to his boyfriend. "Come on, let's go home. I've got a bunch of pictures of him that I'd like to show you. And some stories to tell."

"I can't wait to hear them," Ryan told him, getting to his feet and sliding his arm around Greg's waist. With one last glance at the marble headstone, now covered with flowers, Greg walked away, feeling more at peace with the loss of his friend than he had in a very long time.

***