Title: Knowing the Risks
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Las Vegas/CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Table: Crimes, mission_insane
Prompt: 10, Self-Defense
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Ryan Wolfe, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

"Ry, have you ever shot anybody?" Greg looked up at Ryan as he carefully put his gun back into its holster and laid it on the desk in their bedroom. "I never have. I've been carrying a gun for a couple of years now when I'm at work, but I've never had to use it."

Ryan didn't answer for several long moments, when he did, his voice was very soft. "Yeah, I've shot people before," he finally admitted, not looking at Greg. "I've only done it because I had to. I'm not sorry that I did, though, because shooting them saved others' lives."

Greg nodded slowly, agreeing with him. "I know you wouldn't shoot anybody unless it was something you had to do to save lives, or in self-defense," he said, holding out a hand to Ryan as his boyfriend approached the couch to sit down. "You're not that kind of person."

"Honestly, I don't like guns," Ryan admitted with a short laugh. "That was one thing about being a cop that made me want to leave that job and turn to being a CSI. But I still carry a gun as a CSI, so I guess I didn't really trade in much there, did I?"

"Well, it's better to carry a gun and not have to, than to need a gun when there's a bad situation and you're faced with having to protect yourself and others and not being able to," Greg said, his tone pragmatic. "And I don't want anything to happen to you, Ry."

"Guns don't always protect people," Ryan said softly, wondering why they were having this conversation. "I'm not one of those people who thinks they're a good thing to have around. Guns are just meant for one thing. To kill. And way too few people use them responsibly."

"I hate seeing people kill each other, but in the times we live in, it's almost a way of life," Greg said with a sigh. "And it's rarely ever in self-defense. I think that's the only way I could ever make myself pull the trigger -- if it was going to keep me or somebody I care about alive."

"Most people claim they own guns for self-defense, but when it comes right down it, they've just got this fantasy about shooting somebody and being considered a hero for doing it," Ryan said with a frown. "I hate that kind of attitude, but too many yahoos out there think that way."

Greg shuddered, moving closer to Ryan. "I hate that attitude, too. That's why so many people get killed, and we're the ones who have to go through the mess and put the pieces together and figure out who did it. People think that owning a gun makes them invincible."

"Guns don't do anything but kill," Ryan said, his tone clipped and succinct. "Anybody who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. They're killing machines. People who fetishize guns are sick. I just wish we didn't live in a gun culture that turns some people into no more than animals."

"We get to see the worst of people every day, even at Christmas," Greg said, his voice catching in his throat on the last words. "For once, I wish we'd have a holiday where nobody killed each other, and the whole 'peace on Earth and good will towards men' meant something."

"So do I, babe," Ryan said, his words heartfelt. "That's one of the bad things about being as CSI -- and about being a cop, too. We always see the bad side of human nature, more so than most people do. But you've got to admit, getting justice for people is a really good feeling."

"Can't argue with that," Greg admitted, nodding in response to Ryan's statement. "It always feels good to know that we've put a bad guy in jail, and that we've gotten justice for whoever they killed. I just wish the person we helped could be around to know about it."

"They do know. I'm sure of it," Ryan said, his tone very soft. He slid an arm around Greg's slender waist, letting his boyfriend lean against him as they sat side by side on the bed. "And they're grateful, in their way. I have to believe that they somehow know they've been avenged."

"And in a non-violent way -- at least most of the time," Greg added, resting his head against Ryan's shoulder. "It always feels especially good to get justice for somebody who was killed when they were trying to defend themselves against a murderer, don't you think?"

"Yeah, it does." Ryan nodded, raising a hand to run his fingers through Greg's hair. "People who die trying to defend themselves are some of the bravest people I know. It's hard to have the courage to put up a fight against a killer, especially if you know it's a losing battle."

He felt another shudder go through Greg's slim body, and he pulled his boyfriend more closely against him. "It's never going to happen to either of us, Greg," he said, trying to soothe his lover. "We've got alto of experience in dealing with those situations."

Greg sighed softly, his body relaxing against Ryan's. "I know. And I'm not really worried. But I know that the first time I have to shoot somebody, even if it's in self-defense, is going to be really shattering. I'm not looking forward to that. It'll be hard to cope with."

"You won't be dealing with it alone," Ryan said softly, hugging his boyfriend close. "I'll be with you every step of the way, Greg. Even if you kill somebody in self-defense, you're going to have guilt feelings, and you're going to grieve. But you're not going to be doing it on your own."

"Thanks for that, Ry." Greg raised his head to smile at his boyfriend, tears glistening in his dark eyes. "Have I ever told you how much it means to me to have you right here by my side? I don't know what I'd do without you. I just know that I'd be a really lonely guy."

"I don't think I could live without you, now that I know what it's like to have you in my life," Ryan said, his voice so soft that it was almost inaudible. He was blinking back tears; he didn't want to let them fall, not now, not in front of Greg. "Don't ever leave me, Greg. Not in any way."

"I never will," Greg said softly, raising a hand to stroke gentle fingertips down Ryan's cheek. "And if I ever get into a situation where I have to shoot somebody in self-defense, I'll just tell myself that it has to be done because I have to come home safe to you."

"That's the way you should think," Ryan said with a nod, clearing his throat. "You have to come back to me. No hesitation -- because that's what could get you killed. And remember, Greg -- if your own life is in danger, than having to kill in self-defense isn't a crime."

"I know," Greg answered, sighing again. and shaking his head. "It's just a shame that we --a nd cops even more than us -- have to deal with those kinds of situations sometimes. But I guess I shouldn't complain. After all, it's the life we both chose, isn't it? We knew the risks."

"And we know how to protect ourselves from the risks," Ryan agreed with a soft smile. "Don't worry about the two of us, Greg. We both know how to take care of ourselves -- and neither of us is going to take any risks that we don't need to talk, self-defense or not."

With those words, Ryan was done with talking. He leaned over to capture Greg's lips with his own, silencing anything else that his boyfriend might have said with a kiss that left them both breathless -- and took their minds far away from anything other than what they were doing.

***