Title: Leave Him Out of This
Author: Jaxson K.
Pairing: Nick/Gil
Rating: R
Summary: Gil asks hard questions, but isn't prepared for some of the answers.....
A/N: sequel to "Just Someone I Used To Know"

***

Gil sat on the back deck deep in thought. His thoughts were about Nick and the present situation between them. Ever since the night Gil had asked about Ray Marlo, Nick had alternated from surly to quiet and back again. It was obvious that this man meant something to Nick because of his reaction to the box and the fact that there were letters to this man that Nick hadn't posted. Gil really wanted to know what was in those letters but would never know now because Nick had destroyed them. More importantly, Gil wanted to know exactly who Ray Marlo was and what he meant to Nick.

When he heard the back door open, he fully expected Nick to bark a few orders and slam the door. He was pleasantly surprised when Nick came outside and took a seat beside him. The two sat in silence for a while, Gil afraid to say anything for fear of ruining the moment and Nick unsure of what to say. Gil was the first to break the silence by asking if Nick was hungry. Nick replied that he wasn't but wanted to talk to Gil instead. Curious, Gil sat quietly waiting for Nick to begin.....

"Gil, I know we need to talk about the other night....."

"We do, Nick..... I have questions that I'd like answered."

"I know you do, and I want to be completely honest about the whole thing....."

"I sense a 'but' coming....."

"No 'but'..... I just don't think you'll like what I have to say....."

Those words made Gil's heart sink. He wasn't sure he wanted answers now.....

"Go on, Nick....."

"Right. I met Ray in college. He was a third year student, and I was first year. I'd heard his name around campus, and was curious as to who he was. We met at a party one night and became friends. Things progressed from there and we became lovers. He was my first, and I thought he was "it". Things were fine until school let out for the summer....."

"What happened then?"

" I invited him to the ranch to meet my folks. The plan was for him to meet my family and spend the summer together. I had it all planned out, but things changed. He showed up two days late with some blond bimbo on his arm. He stayed all of a hour and then they were on their way. I was so hurt that I moped around the ranch the whole summer. My mama tried to cheer me up, but it didn't work. When it was time to go back to school, I didn't want to go. Mama threatened to kick my butt so I went back. I saw him around campus but he wouldn't talk to me. Not at all....."

"You tried to find out what happened?"

"Hell, yes! He made me feel like a million bucks and then dropped me like a bad habit. No explanation, no 'kiss my ass', nothing......"

"That must have been quite a blow...."

"It was.....halfway through the semester he transferred to a different school. That really hurt, but I got by. I didn't see him again until I was working as a cop in Dallas. He found out from my brother which precinct I was working out of and stopped by to see me. I was shocked, and pissed at the same time. He asked if we could go to dinner so he could explain. Like a dumb ass, I went. Needless to say, we didn't do a lot of talking....."

"Why not, Nick?"

"Because, damn it, I still cared about the man. I fell under his spell again, we slept together that night and started seeing each other off and on again. I didn't want to , but I couldn't help myself....."

"Let me see if I've got this right..... you meet this guy, you have an affair, he hurts you and leaves you, pops back up and you take up where you left off?"

"Pretty much..... he left me again and I came to Vegas. You know the rest....."

"Do I?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You had contact with him after you got here, didn't you?"

"He wrote me a few letters..... mostly wanting to tell me how sorry he was for ditching me a second time. I wrote several letters back, but I never mailed them....."

"But you wanted to....."

Nick's silence spoke volumes. Gil was stunned, hurt, and pissed all at the same time. Did Nick really love him at all? Was he just a stand-in for a man who treated Nick like he was nothing? He didn't trust himself to speak at that moment. He got up and went into the house, closing the door behind him. He went upstairs and began packing a bag because he needed some space and time to think.

He went back downstairs to find Nick at the kitchen table. Nick looked up and saw Gil standing there with a bag in his hand. He panicked and scrambled up from the chair he was sitting in.....

"Gil, what's going on?"

"Nick, I want some time and space to think about what you've told me...."

"I don't understand....."

"It's obvious to me that you still have feelings for this man. We both need to figure out what we want from this, or even if there is an 'us' anymore. I'll call you in a day or two...."

Gil turned and headed out the front door. Nick stared at the door in stunned silence......

***

Gil waited three days before deciding to call Nick. Three agonizing, doubt filled days where he turned the situation over and over in his head and worried himself sick over the outcome. He knew for sure that he still loved Nick and wanted to be with him, but he sure as hell wasn't going to share him. That's why he'd left. Nick needed to decide if he wanted to keep what they had or if he wanted to keep loving a man who treated him like shit and was nowhere to be found.

The first time he'd tried to call, it went to voice mail. When Gil looked at the clock, it made sense. Nick would still be asleep. He left a message and waited for Nick to call. After giving Nick some time to call him back, Gil decided to just go on home. If Nick was there, maybe they could talk. If not, he'd wait for him to get there. The one thing he knew for certain is that he wanted to get this situation resolved. That thought gave him pause. Was there a way to resolve this? If Nick loved him then why, even though he never sent them, did Nick write this Ray person back? Why keep the letters Ray sent him at all? Did Nick still have feelings for this man? These were questions that only Nick could answer.....

Nick spent the time he and Gil had been apart thinking about the situation and wondered what to do. He knew for sure that he loved Gil, but if that were really so, then why did he still think about Ray, the man who'd stomped all over his heart time and again and used him when the mood struck. Could it be that Nick was just using Gil as a substitute? Surely not!! He DID love Gil, and that was that. If that were indeed the case, then why did Roy keep popping into his mind, especially during his and Gil's lovemaking? Then there were the letters. If he was truly over Roy, then why did he keep writing back even thought he never sent them? Nick knew he was in deep shit, and didn't see a way out any time soon. He knew if Gil ever came home he would have to face the music. He decided to make a quick trip to the grocery store because supplies were getting low. He quickly made a list, grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

While Nick was out, Gil arrived home. He took his bag and put it in the bedroom and decided to take a shower. Afterward, he grabbed some sweats and a t-shirt. When he finished dressing, he went to the kitchen for a beer. While sitting at the kitchen table, he wondered if Nick had come up with any explanations to help him understand what the hell was going on. He hoped that they would be able to sit down and talk rationally and calmly.

As Nick turned the corner onto Rose Ave., his heart nearly stopped when he saw Gil's truck in their driveway. It looked like he was going to have to face the music sooner than he thought. He pulled into the drive and shut his truck off. He didn't get out immediately, instead he sat there trying to get up the courage to face Gil. He finally got out, collected the groceries, and headed toward the front door.....

***

Nick put the groceries away and went to look for Gil. He found him on the back deck having a beer. As he stood in the doorway, Gil asked him to come out and have a seat. Nervous, he stepped outside and eased into the chair next to him. He watched anxiously, wondering what was coming next. Gil turned, looked at him and asked if he'd found a solution to their problem.....

"I've given it a lot of thought, Gil, but I can't say that I've come to a satisfactory conclusion...."

"And why is that?"

"It's because I wanted to get a handle on how you felt....."

"Don't play that card with me, Nick. You knew exactly how I felt about the situation when I left."

"Not really, Gil. All I knew was that you'd found out about Ray and when you asked me about him and I answered, you left in a huff....."

"You're right.... I left because I was angry. Do you blame me?"

Nick thought about Gil's question for a moment and felt guilty because he didn't tell Gil the whole truth.....

"I suppose not, Gil..... but you never really gave me a chance to explain everything....."

"So explain!"

Nick could see that he was going to have to tread lightly. He knew Gil wanted truth, but was afraid to tell him everything. He'd just hit the highlights and hoped that would appease Gil for the time being.....

"It's true that Ray still crosses my mind and I think of him......"

"What about all the letters I found along with the photos?"

"The letters were Ray attempts to make amends, asking for another chance, wanting to be friends, etc. The replies remained in the box where I left them....."

"Did you entertain the idea of mailing any of them?"

"At one point I did, but decided against it because I wanted to try to leave the past where it belonged....."

"Of course you did....."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"If you had really wanted to leave the past in the past, you would have thrown the letters and photos away and you wouldn't have replied....."

"Gil, you just don't get it....."

"What the hell don't I get? Please enlighten me....."

"The truth is that even though Ray did me wrong, and treated me badly, I still love him in my own way....."

There! The truth was out and there was no turning back. Without another word, Gil got up and stormed into the house. Nick sat there for a few minutes, guilt and shame paralyzing him. He knew he should go and try to talk to Gil, but knew from past experience that Gil was beyond rational discussion. Nick finally went into the house and found Gil sitting in the living room.....

"Gil....."

"Don't let one more fucking word fall from your lips!"

"But......"

"I SAID NOT ONE MORE FUCKING WORD!!!"

Nick sat there in shocked silence. He'd really done it this time. In all the arguments they'd had since they'd been together Gil had never spoken to him that way.....

"I want you to listen and listen well.... I WILL NOT compete with another man for your affection. You either love me or you don't.....I wish you could want my love as much as you seem to want his, but I WILL NOT beg you. If you want to throw everything we've built together away for someone who treated you no better than a common whore, fine! I will give you 24 hours to make up your mind, no more than that. I'll stay at a hotel tonight and you can call when you've made up your mind. Any questions?"

Nick merely shook his head. Gil went upstairs and got his overnight kit. He came back down and headed straight to the door, not looking back so Nick wouldn't see the tears.....

***

Once Gil got checked in at the motel, he sat on the bed and cried like a baby. Nick's words had wounded him deeply and his feelings were still very raw. He couldn't stand the idea of Nick loving anyone but him, past or present. The very idea sickened him. His last thoughts before falling asleep were of Nick and the situation at hand.

Meanwhile, Nick lay in bed thinking of Gil and their big blow-up. He mentally kicked himself over and over for telling Gil that he still loved Ray in a way. That was probably one of the stupidest things he'd ever done beside getting involved with Ray in the first place. He knew he'd hurt Gil deeply, and he also knew that IF they made it through this, he would do everything he possibly could to show Gil that he really did love him and wanted to be with him only. As sleep claimed him, Nick knew that he had to find a way to repair the damage he'd done.

Gil woke in the early hours of the morning a bit disoriented. Once he got his bearings, he took a piss and got back in bed. As he lay there, Gil began thinking about Nick. He knew he'd been unfair to him, and that had come from hurt and anger. The more he thought about the situation, he realized that he was being ridiculous. So Nick still had feelings for an old flame. He could think of two or three men in his past that still crossed his mind, and he still thought fondly of them. The jealousy he felt was a natural reaction, but he took the reaction to an extreme. He needed to explain this to Nick and try to convey to Nick how sorry he was. He felt foolish for being so insecure because Nick was with him, not Ray Marlo. Gil finally fell asleep feeling a bit better and more excited about trying to talk to Nick.

The next morning found Nick deep in thought. He knew without a doubt that he was tired of this back and forth between he and Gil and that he wanted him home. If Gil was willing, they could work through this and get on with their lives. That's all Nick wanted. He knew deep down that Ray Marlo was his past and Gil Grissom was his forever, and he wanted Gil to know that. He was about to reach for the phone when he heard the front door close and Gil call out to him. Nick headed to the living room a bit apprehensively, not sure what to expect.

When Gil saw Nick, he rushed to him and pulled him into a near bone-crushing embrace. After finally extracting himself, Nick noticed tears in Gil's eyes. He began to panic thinking something had happened.....

"Gil, what's wrong?"

"Nicky, I've been a fucking hypocrite and a fool....."

"Gil....."

"Nick, please listen..... I have come to realize that just because you have some old left-over feelings for Ray doesn't mean that you don't love me any less. I feel that if you didn't really love me, you wouldn't be here....."

"It's true, Gil. If I didn't love you,I'd leave. I know I hurt you when I said I still loved Ray in my own way....."

"That hurt like hell, but I realize what you meant now....."

"What do you mean?"

"There are men from my past that I still think fondly of, and I think that's what you meant when you still loved Ray, wasn't it?"

"Yes, Gil....."

Nick couldn't continue for the tears and the emotions welling up inside him. Gil really did understand. Gil opened his arms and held Nick while he cried. Gil tried to soothe Nick by whispering his love in Nick's ear. That only made Nick cry harder, not from sadness, but from relief that there might be hope for them after all.

Later in the day, the two men were sitting together on the back deck when Nick told Gil that he realized that Ray was his past and that Gil was his forever and he would do his level best to keep it that way.....

"Nicky, you are my forever, too. I'll always love you, and we WILL get through this."

He leaned over and kissed Nick deeply. He stood up, holding a hand out to Nick who took it and followed him into the house. When he realized what Gil had in mind, he smiled and followed him to their bedroom. Basking in the afterglow, Nick lay in Gil's arms thinking about the events of the past few days. Gil sensed something was on Nick's mind and asked if he was okay.....

"I'm fine, babe.....just thinking about the past few days and how I never want to go through that again....."

"I agree..... if I never hear the name Ra...."

"Don't! From now on, we leave him out of this."


THE END

***