The Lingering Hurt

“Indeed. Well, I don’t think anyone would be surprised by that at all, of course, outside of them, you and I are the only ones who know.”

“Yeah. And he’s heading home now? Great. This has been going on long enough, I’ll just kick “Peanut’s” ass into gear and get him to start thinking again so they can work things out together…”

“At least you get to use a whip….oh! Just walked into his office. Time for our little chat. “

“Gil!” she said, walking into his office and shutting the door behind her, “We need to have us a little heart-to-heart.”

Gil removed his glasses and started to rub his eyes as she sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk. He knew this was coming, try as he could to not think about the last few weeks, to not deal with it, it was always there. These things don’t just go away.

“Sure you do, I checked your case-load.” She said with a smirk, “Besides, how do you know what I need to talk about?”

Because it’s the Pink Elephant prancing around the Lab? He thought with a grimace.

“Believe me, I think I know, and I’d rather not discuss it, ok?” he said, professional coldness firmly in place.

“Well since when do I care what you would rather not talk about?” Catherine was not one to be shot down easily.

He raised his eyebrows in a clear “What the fuck?” manner, and then conceded defeat, in all the years they’ve know each other, Catherine usually did win.

She rolled her eyes, “Give me a break Coolidge, one word answers won’t cut it!”

Catherine huffed, and flipped her hair impatiently. She moved his desk lamp and name plate out of the way, leaned back in her chair, and the propped both her feet up onto his desk.

She also knew she was the only soul on Earth who could get away with it. Greg tried it once and spent the next week dumpster diving.

He opened his mouth to protest, but Catherine silenced him with a glare only a mother can pull off.

“Obviously, you are not interested in conversing Gil, I understand that. But things need to be said. If I have to badger you till Judgment Day, I have no issue with that. So indulge me, let me say my piece, and this will be over sooner ok? Just nod your head.”

“Technically, it’s none of my business, but you and Nick are family to me, so that makes it my business. I know what happened, and I know that hurt you. I know you’re not use to that, I know you don’t know how to deal with it, I know you don’t want to deal with it…”

“Hush Gil-baby, let me finish my thought, and then you can talk.” She cut him off.

“I’m trying it out” she said with a dismissive way, “Anyway, as I was saying, I know you don’t want to deal with it, but you have too...Nick looks ready to have a breakdown any second, and you’ve retreated into yourself, avoiding everyone, especially Nick, unless its absolutely unavoidable, working triples…the list goes on. You’ve gone back to how you were before you and Nick got together, keeping everyone out, not letting anyone in. That was Grissom and frankly, I prefer Gil. Gil is who you really are, and Gil needs to work through this with Nick.”

“Catherine it’s not that simple.” he said, defenses lowering. Pointless really, to keep those up, Catherine could see right them.

“Not that’d I blame you, especially after what I went through with Eddie, but that’s good to hear. Does Nick know this?”

Gil faltered. His mind on overdrive, because now that he’s started to think about it, he can’t fathom stopping. He recalled his behavior over the last few weeks, his words, cold and distant, the automaton in place of the man. It’s like he and Nick were feuding roommates, instead of committed partners.

If anything, Gil was acting like a man just waiting for his first chance to cut and run.

The emotions he’d been holding down were coming back, and coming at him hard. Guilt, anger, and despair. The modern Furies for this day and age.

“I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know how to act, I don’t know what to do!” he said to her in a rush, “It hurts Cath! Christ it hurts, he cheated on me, I...I ...never thought that would happen. Never! And I’m… I’m so mad, mad at Nick, mad at me. I don’t know what to do! What do I do?! Hell, what DID I do?!”

His little rant left him out of breath, and Catherine knew she had to work quickly before Gil retreated again.

Gil shook his head, rubbed a hand through his hair, “He told me he didn’t mean it, he just wanted to have a drink, and the next thing he knew, he was waking up next to this girl. Said he barely remembered it, I want to believe that, really, but…but…God, what did I do? You know Nick! He wouldn’t just…there has to be a reason, I had to have done something…!”

Catherine watched the struggling man in front of her, aching for him, but knowing he had to face this. He had bottled it up, and the beast had to be let out.

She let him be for a few minutes as she swung her feet off his desk. Then she leaned forward, and placed a hand on his chin, guided his face up so he was looking at her, instead of the papers scattered in front of him. Catherine saw the range and depth of emotions in his teary eyes, knowing the rarity she was witnessing, and at last fully understanding how a man like Nick Stokes could fall for a man like Gil Grissom.

“Yes, there has to be a reason Gil, but I don’t think it’s something you’ve done.”

Gil blinked and Catherine continued on, leaning back into her chair, but this time keeping her feet on the floor, “Perhaps…maybe it’s something you didn’t do, or stopped doing, or aren’t doing enough of.”

She bit her lip in thought, then began again, “The bitch of it is that while you may not realize what that is, Nick probably doesn’t either. Which is why in his mind, he had no reason to give you. But deep down, I bet you do know what it is. Tell me, do you know what Nick is afraid of the most?”

“Enclosed spaces and green light, but he’s better with the light now…” Gil said at once.

“I meant a fear along the lines of something intangible”, she said with a sigh.

“He told me once that he was afraid that he would spend his life alone. Without anyone there…that no one would want to be with him.’

She took this in and thought some more, and Gil watched, hopeful she could provide the answer that was elusive to him.

“Think about it, its Nick after all…he told me once that he still couldn’t believe sometimes that you were there, that you wanted to be with him…and he wondered what made you stay.”

“Well I love him,” Catherine smiled at this, “Insecurities and all. He’s, ok yeah, he’s damn attractive, but it so much more…he’s bright, charismatic and shyly confident, and funny, still innocent in spite of everything, and...,and he’s so good, such a good, caring, thoughtful person. Yeah sure, he’s been rebelling a bit here at work, trying to spread his wings, and he’s been doing some things out of character, but I just chalked that up to growth and not taking undeserved crap anymore. He’s still pure to the core Cath, who wouldn’t want to be with him? He makes me feel so alive. I got lucky, that’s all.”

Gil smiled ruefully, “The real question is ‘Why would he want to be with me’?”

“That’s fairly obvious, Jesus, these two just don’t know, do they?” Catherine thought.

“Think about it Gil. The last year, the cases, Zephyr, the Lighters, hell I.A is gunning for you for whatever reason. Don’t you think Nick feels responsible for it?”

“He shouldn’t, none of that was his fault. How was he supposed to know his sister was in an extremist group? As for IA, well, I can handle them…”

“No you can’t, you still suck at politics…one thing at a time Willows, one thing at a time…”

“I know you’re familiar with his past Gil, and St.Cyr showing back up really threw him for a spin, but…now I’m no shrink…but maybe…”

“Maybe he thinks he deserved it? Maybe he thinks he deserves all the bad things that have happened to him?” Gil started and Catherine just let him go, “Maybe he’s afraid I’m staying with him out of guilt or pity…and he feels he should be miserable. You know how he is, never wanting anyone to go out of their way for him…doesn’t think he’s worth it even though…maybe…maybe he did it to hurt me before I could hurt him…give me an out without realizing that…because…because I’m not...I just take it for granted that he knows…that I love…that I WANT to be with him because…that he is worth every…Reassurance! That’s what he needs! I thought he was fine, so I laid off…well color me stupid…he doesn’t even know how much…but…oh God! This is my fault, I wasn’t giving him what he needed…I should have known…and I’ve only made it worse!…shit!...Gotta tell Nick…Oh I hope I’m not too late…!”

Gil made for the door in a rush, but then stopped, ran back, kissed Catherine on the cheek in thanks, and then went on his way.

When Gil got home, he saw Nick’s truck in the driveway. He checked himself out in the rearview mirror…God, I look like hell … and then got out to go inside. He found Nick upstairs, sitting on the edge of their new bed, waiting for him. A look of determination on his face that Gil found a bit surprising, and encouraging at the same time. Before Nick could speak, Gil went over to him, got down on his knees, and placed his hands in Nick’s lap.

Nick was taken aback by his actions, but wasn’t protesting, so Gil decided to get right to it. He looked into Nick’s face, so pale, and tired, with a sadness Gil became determined to erase, and spoke thickly, “We need to talk Buddy, I know I’ve been avoiding you lately, I know that’s made things worse, but I just...I wasn’t ready… I couldn’t…but now I can! Can we talk? Please?”

“I told you everything would be good again, I meant that, now I need to prove it to you.”

Gil stood up, and held out his hand to Nick, who took it immediately in his own. Their rings both catching the light in their own unique way that made Nick’s breath hitch, and fill him with hope.

But he was close to breaking down completely because, try as he might, Nick Stokes didn’t understand.

“So we can both get onto the same page. Do you understand yet Nick?” Gil asked simply.

It was still dark, dawn being a few hours away. The only illumination provided by the headlights of Gil’s truck casting their beams against the blown out building. It was no longer a crime scene of course, but the Carney lane warehouse was still abandoned, now, and for the indefinite future.

Gil Grissom was crouched down near the ground. His deft, skilled fingers touching at the tips as he held his hands partially together in a position that seemed to emphasize his devastatingly powerful persona. He was calm, almost comfortable, watching his younger lover with a look of gentle regard on his face.

Nick Stokes was on his knees in the hard dirt. His posture was tense, and a confusing mix of emotions played through his heart as he stared at the sight in front of him.

“Because you almost died here Peanut!” Nick said hotly, “Remember? The ransom? The fucking explosion?! I didn’t even have you, and I almost lost you to that bastard Gordon!”

Nick punched the ground, an outlet for his frustration. “I hate it. They should just tear it to the ground.”

Gil stood up and moved the few feet over to where Nick was still kneeling. He looked at the warehouse, then up at the star filled sky.

“How the hell can this be sacred? Death isn’t sacred, and you almost met yours here!”

Gil crouched down, whispering into Nick’s ear, “This is where I started to live.”

“What do you mean?” Nick asked, though he was realizing that he was seeing where Gil was going.

Gordon’s taunts were never far from his mind, “A CSI follows the evidence.”

“Exactly, and one day, not too long ago, you read the Gordon file, and stormed into my office angrier than I’ve ever seen you, actually giving me a direct order to never put my life at risk for yours.”

Nick looked down, he remembered that day, and the thought that Gil, let alone anyone, would ever risk their life for him was still baffling.

I’m not worth your life Gil!

“Yes you are Nick, stop thinking that.” Gil said pointedly before continuing on, “You stormed out of my office and hit the road. And I followed the evidence, and it led me here. Led me to you.”

“The truth Nick,” Gil interrupted, “ it led me to the truth, and that’s you. Do you understand now? You are my truth.”

With tears cascading down his face Nick shook his head, “Gil, you don’t have to say that…”

“Yes I do,” Gil said at once, “I should be saying it more often, whenever, and however long it takes, so you never have to feel any doubt about how much you mean to me. You are my truth. I found it that day, and since then, I have never felt so alive.”

“I know Buddy, what I don’t know is why. I told you it didn’t matter why, but it really does. I think we need to figure that out, so we can put this behind us.”

Gil took a breath and began, “Do you want me to leave you? Do you want this to end?”

“You’ve apologized more than enough, please stop.” Gil said softly, “Now, I don’t want this to end either, even I know you hold onto joy as long as you can.”

“Some people cheat to punish their lover…Did I do something Nick? You have to tell me if I did.”

“I know I kept Greg on that pedophile case, even though you have more experience. I know you can handle cases like that…”

“No! No Gil, I know the deal. It was the draw. That’s all. Greg and Warrick drew the case, it got bigger than we all thought it would be. You and Cath and Sara were racing to solve your case. Someone had to catch the fall out, it just ended up being me, that’s all!”

“We had that fight, it’s over.” Nick said in a tone that left no doubt over the secret that was the cause of their first major fight. That damn tape of Gordon’s recording, and the fact he kept it from Nick, would haunt Gil till he died.

“So it wasn’t anything I did…which means it’s either something I didn’t do, or something I’m not doing.”

“Partners should fulfill each others needs. You fulfill mine without even thinking about it. Obviously I’m not doing that for you.”

“Yeah you are!” With a yell, Nick at last got to his feet. He grabbed Gil’s shirt and pulled him forward, looking him straight in the eyes. “Every day I see your face, every day I hear your voice! I wake up in your arms, I see only me in your eyes…do you know how wonderful that makes me feel!? How loved I feel? How safe and protected? Do you?! God Gil, I’ve never been so happy, and I just know…”

“I know it’s too good to be true all right?!! These things don’t happen to me ok? I’m not kind of guy who gets the happy ending.”

“That’s just how it is ok? That’s how it’s been my whole life! I get into trouble, I fuck up..whatever! I know you’re going to leave one day, it's what happens to me. Always! I know it! I deserve it! This is gonna be over sooner or later, and at least now…”

“At least now you’ll know why? You’ve given me a good reason to jump ship…”

“But I already walked away Nicky…I couldn’t deal with it that day, and I walked away…” Gil said softly, his blue eyes crackling with love, “Do you want me to stay away?”

Nick’s face crumbled as he clung tighter to Gil’s shirt, “Seeing you walk away from me on that cliff hurt so bad Gil, and I know I deserved it, but …I don’t want you to stay away…”

It was too much for Nick. Each insecurity, every doubt within him was ravaging his mind. He refused, even after all that had happened, all they’ve been through together, to believe that Gil would want forever. That this wasn’t temporary, that he wasn’t just some passing fancy.

“Nick, this is only over if you want it to be…” Gil grasped Nick’s hand, and kissed his knuckles, “ just say the word…”

“I don’t want it to be over. I want forever…with you, I know I’m not worth…”

A powerful, all consuming kiss that reverberated through both men like an electric pulse. It was a kiss that swept the soul, removing all doubt and leaving only a sincere, reassuring certainty in its place.

Though the kiss ended, Gil didn’t let go. He wrapped his arms around Nick in a fierce hug as Nick felt a delirious happiness in his heart.

“Whatever it takes Nick. If it takes all eternity to prove my love for you, that you’re worth more than everything to me, if nothing else, believe that. Do you understand now?”

Well shit!

It was exactly three weeks after their talk outside the warehouse. Twenty-one busy, case filled days before Nick realized exactly what Gil was doing as he drove them home after shift that morning.

He’s courting me.

In the time following what Nick would forever remember as the “Big Chat”, his relationship with Gil was moving ahead. There was a new connection between the two men, a different understanding that was steadily reinforcing their bond.

Nick, ever the talker in the relationship, felt more confident about it, and said so to Gil rather frequently, who usually responded with a smile, a wink, and a kiss, much to Nick’s delight.

They still discussed what had occurred, both men wanting to make sure each of their presumptions and fears were given a full “airing”, as it were. Nick’s insecurities and self-doubts were still there of course, and in some way, would probably always be. However, Gil seemed to be always able to help him fend them off. The right words, the warm affection. The easy, almost effortless reassurances from the older man were a bit surprising at first, but then Nick recalled that this was Gil Grissom after all, and once the man knew the “What” and the “How”, he was unlikely to ever forget it, and ever to stop doing whatever required doing.

Most importantly of all, Nick honestly felt that Gil once again trusted him fully.

And that meant the world to him.

Of course, it would be nice to have hot nasty sex with man too.

For that was all that was lacking in their relationship at this point: they hadn’t had sex since before all the turmoil had begun.

Nick had expected it for the most part, if anything, he could understand Gil being weary of the whole deal, considering that Nick having sex with someone else was no longer unthinkable, but something to put behind them. Granted, Nick’s understanding, and his libido were usually at odds anyway.

He would wait of course, as long as it took before Gil was ready again.

But maybe he's waiting for ME to be ready...

It was something to consider as Nick eyed his passenger quickly, who was busy talking to Sara on his cell, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, insisting that he was “not coming back to lab till tonight, so go home and get some rest, the evidence from the last scene will still be there…”

It was all the small things really. Nothing big in itself, but together, it painted a very clear picture. Nick smiled fondly, and mused on what Gil had been doing recently. The impromptu lunches (or late, late dinners as those unfamiliar with working third shift would call them) they would have together in his office. Gil wearing that cologne Nick bought him to work, and showing a greater interest in Nick’s hobbies, even caving and letting Nick purchase a brilliant green Cockatiel, who took up residence in their living room. Nick’s favorite beer always in the fridge, Gil learning how to cook Tex-Mex style, and making Nick a burrito that would have won his heart, had Gil not had it already.

Every morning, Nick fell asleep latched onto Gil like a leach, feeling the man’s wonderful hands combing softly through his hair. Every afternoon he awoke to a soft kiss being placed on his lips and a gently spoken “ Time to get up, I love you Nicky” said to him before their night began.

It was sweet.

It was romantic.

It was wonderful.

It was torment.

The good kind of course, but Nick decided enough was enough.

“You ok Buddy?” Gil asked him as they were turning into their street.

“Hmm? Oh yeah, I’m fine Peanut”, he said.

Nothing an orgasm induced sleep won’t fix.

“Just anxious to get home that’s all.”

Gil nodded, accepting Nick’s answer with smile.

It was upstairs, both men showered and ready for bed, when Nick made his move.

He wrapped his arms around Gil’s neck, and gave him a deep kiss that left the man dazed, and then placed Gil’s hand on his own, now very hard, cock.

“Could you do something for me Gil?” he asked, his voice low and rough.

“Anything, anything at all.” Gil replied breathlessly, giving Nick’s cock a very nice squeeze through his underwear.

Nick rolled his hips against Gil, causing him to shudder, pushed him down onto the bed and kissed him again, mashing their lips together, forcing Gil’s mouth open, and plunging his tongue in deep. “I want you to fuck me, hard. Can you do that?” he asked Gil while helping the man in the removal of his clothes.

Gil moaned hungrily as Nick took off his underwear, catching the sight of Nick’s erection bobbing freely in front of his eyes, and then gasped when Nick reached down and gave Gil’s cock a fast stroke.

“I’d love too, but only if you’re sure…”

“Oh I’m sure Gil,” Nick said as he climbed onto Gil’s lap, “Consider me seduced baby, now let’s skip the foreplay and get right to it ok?”

Gil gasped with pleasure as Nick rubbed his ass over Gil’s cock, feeling it grow even harder as it slid back and forth beneath him. Gliding along his perineum, occasionally poking his balls, Nick wanted nothing more than for Gil to drive it up in deep, his arousal bringing him to the edge.

Of course, it had been a while, so a little prep work was in order. Nick opened the drawer of the nightstand and pulled out the bottle of lube. Wasting no time, he slicked himself up, and pored a liberal amount onto Gil’s throbbing member before positioning himself, and sliding home.

It was a white-hot aching pleasure that filled Nick as Gil fucked him. He loved the feel of Gil inside him, filling him up. Loved how Gil knew exactly what to do, how he looked as Nick rode him, how he smelled, the small gasps and cries that came from him as Nick worked his ass on Gil’s cock.

“Oh God Gil, so good, so damn good…” Nick hissed, eyes tearing up in joy as his climax drew closer.

Gil came first, his hands like a vise on Nick’s hips, pounding up into Nick as deep as he could, copious jets of come shooting out of his dick as he screamed out his orgasm.

“Oh Nicky, Jesus, love you so much…so much!” he panted.

“Love you too Gil,” Nick said, reaching down to finish himself off, only to be surprised by Gil grabbing him by the wrist.

“Let me Nicky…”

Nick nodded and shuddered as Gil carefully withdrew his now softening cock from Nick’s sore ass.

Nick was expecting a nice hand job from Gil.

He wasn’t expecting Gil to hand him the lube, and then turnover, getting onto his knees.

Nick got the hint, put some lube on his fingers and slowly pushed them into Gil’s asshole.

Gil grunted, and looked back at Nick. His eyes heavy and sated as he said thickly, “Do it Nicky, now, please, I’m ready.”

Nick positioned himself, and then slid inside, relishing the slick, wet velvety heat of Gil around his cock. He was too close to take it slow, and fucked Gil fast. His speed and force almost brutal as inarticulate curses flowed from his mouth. Gil pushed back against him, moaning and clenching the muscles in his ass, driving Nick to greater heights.

Nick was going wild, pounding into Gil, mounted onto him like some awful dog. He was growling, crying and licking the sweat gleaming on Gil’s back, biting into his shoulder as he came, filling Gil with his semen in turn.

Nick started shaking as he withdrew, tears flowing freely yet again. Gil turned over onto his back, and he too, was crying. Gil reached up, placing a hand on Nick’s cheek, smiling in spite of the tears. Speaking wasn’t needed as Nick fell into Gil’s arms, his heart bursting with the love he felt.

As the two men exchanged sloppy, laugh filled kisses before drifting off to sleep, Nick knew, without a doubt, that everything was good again.

The End.