Title: What Hurt the Most
Author: sirjimmy24
Rating: R
Pairing: Gil/Nick (cause that works for me)
Summary: Nick makes a mistake. A big one. Gil can forgive, but can he trust Nick again?
Author's Note/Warnings: "Worthverse" Picks up after Ira Deorum. No major spoilers for past episodes.(Grave Danger hint) Not a dark story really. Angst and tears. But those who know me, know I have to have a happy ending.
Disclaimer: CSI is owned by Jerry Bruckheimer and CBS and others. I am only borrowing for a bit.
What hurt the most?
font face="Times New Roman">Seeing Gil walking away. Measured pace, head down, directly towards his Denali. Gil’s arms were crossed, and he couldn’t recall ever seeing him walk like that before.
font face="Times New Roman">He wiped the tears blurring his vision away.
font face="Times New Roman">“Gil!” he choked out, “Gil please! Come back! Please! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry…please!”
font face="Times New Roman">Gil stopped, and turned his head back towards the man on the cliff’s edge. Seeing him there, on bended knee, pain and guilt etched across the man’s face. It almost was enough to send Gil running back. Wrap his arms around him. Make all the pain go away. Grant forgiveness.
font face="Times New Roman">But forgiveness wasn’t the issue was it?
font face="Times New Roman">No, forgiveness was granted quickly. A matter of course.
font face="Times New Roman">Acceptance then? Nope, Gil accepted it the moment it presented itself to his eyes. How could he not? It was right there in front of him.
font face="Times New Roman">It was a matter of trust. You trust your heart to someone, and they break it? Well then, you have decisions to make don’t you?
font face="Times New Roman">“I know you’re sorry Nick. But I don’t know what to do with...", he gesticulated briefly, "...this.” Gil’s voice was steady, even. As good as he was at it though, he couldn’t hide the hurt in his eyes. Not from the man who put it there. Unintentionally, stupidly, drunkenly, but he put it there.
font face="Times New Roman">Nick Stokes put the pain there. The pain of betrayal. And he knew it.
font face="Times New Roman">“Where are you going Gil?” Nick asked, trying desperately to loosen the tightness in his chest.
font face="Times New Roman">“Work,” Gil said. “You should get a move on Nick, or you’ll be late. Here.”
font face="Times New Roman">Gil tossed something at Nick. It caught the light of the setting sun and Nick knew immediately what it was.
font face="Times New Roman">Oh God! No! Please!
A flash of blue.
font face="Times New Roman">
He caught it. No need to open his hand. No need to gaze at what was tossed.
font face="Times New Roman">The ring. The stone of sapphire. Blue. Blue like Gil’s eyes.
font face="Times New Roman">No! Please! Don’t do this to me! Please God!
“You let me know if you still want me to have that.” Gil said. Then turned, got to his truck and drove off.
font face="Times New Roman">“Gil, don’t go! Come back!” Nick yelled to the departing truck. “Please! I…I…”
font face="Times New Roman">And then a hoarse whisper.
font face="Times New Roman">“…I don’t know what to do…”
*****
Nick Stokes was having a tough month. Gil, Catherine and Sara drew a serial that kept them busy round the clock. Greg and Warrick were hunting a pedophile that was managing to just stay one step ahead.
font face="Times New Roman">And Nick? Nick played Sweeper.
font face="Times New Roman">B&E’s, domestic disturbances and a 4-19 that was so cut and dry a rookie day shifter could’ve handled it with little supervision. His solve rate was climbing steadily, but the volume was draining him. Case after case. Triple shift after triple shift. Nick hadn’t slept in his own bed in days, he hadn’t had a decent conversation with Gil in weeks, his mood was not good, and he was starting to become seriously concerned about when he had last changed shirts.
font face="Times New Roman">A verbal sparring match with a rapist didn’t help.
font face="Times New Roman">“I’m gonna nail you, you sick son of a bitch. We got all the evidence we need.”
font face="Times New Roman">“Whatever Coffin boy! You ain’t got dick on me!”
font face="Times New Roman">Only Brass’s amazingly quick reflexes kept Nick from launching himself over the table at the guy. Going on a year, and everyone still seems to know who Nick is and what happened that fateful May night.
font face="Times New Roman">Granted, few suspects had the balls to taunt him about it.
font face="Times New Roman">And he really did need to work on that temper…
font face="Times New Roman">He was in Trace, checking out blanket fibers when the last straw came down with a vengeance.
font face="Times New Roman">“Stokes! A word.”
font face="Times New Roman">Ortega. Internal Affairs.
font face="Times New Roman">What have I done now?
“What can I do for you Detective?” he asked him wearily.
font face="Times New Roman">“I’ve been receiving some complaints.”
font face="Times New Roman">Oh just great.
“Really? Look, if this about that reporter who...”
font face="Times New Roman">“No, not that, from other officers. About you, and Grissom.”
font face="Times New Roman">“Please tell me you’re kidding, because after all the stuff that’s happened…”
font face="Times New Roman">“Look Stokes, what you and Grissom do on your own time is your business, but when it adversely affects the department…”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick cut him off, voice becoming a fierce hiss, “How does Gil and I being involved adversely affect anything?”
font face="Times New Roman">Ortega was resolute.
font face="Times New Roman">“The fraternization policy clearly states…”
font face="Times New Roman">“I know what it says!” Nick snapped. “Yeah, Gil is my supervisor, but matters have been setup so Ecklie periodically, and randomly reviews some of my cases. He also signs off on my reviews so that…”
font face="Times New Roman">“Look Stokes, I’m on your side here, but Grissom,”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick couldn’t help but roll his eyes.
font face="Times New Roman">“Oh please, you’ve had an axe to grind against Gil since day one. What? Did some narrow-minded cop see Gil smile at me in the field? Shit, we haven’t drawn a case together in weeks…”
font face="Times New Roman">“Hey, you better watch…”
font face="Times New Roman">“Whatever. Look, we don’t advertise our relationship, never have. So unless you got something really important, go away and let me do my job.”
font face="Times New Roman">Ortega persisted. “The Sheriff…”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick cut him off, “…is guaranteed re-election next year. Some would say that is most likely because Gil and I are together. I doubt he cares what we do. If this about the Lighters...oh screw it. You know what? I’m outta here. My shift ended an hour ago.”
font face="Times New Roman">And Nick marched out of Trace leaving a stunned Ortega in his wake, detoured to the locker room, and then headed out into the Vegas morning.
*****
font face="Times New Roman">It began with a flirt.
font face="Times New Roman">Harmless really. So Nick flirted back at the pretty brunette seated on the stool next to his in the bar. He ordered another drink, whiskey, on the rocks, because it had been a rough month, and he needed something strong before heading home to bed.
font face="Times New Roman">Nick Stokes was generally a beer man. Lagers, not pilsners, thank you very much. And a nice Margarita always helps him unwind.
font face="Times New Roman">He tended to avoid whiskey, mainly because he could never gauge when he had too much.
font face="Times New Roman">He should have avoided it that morning.
*****
font face="Times New Roman">Oh Jesus my head!
The dreaded whiskey headache was the first clue as Nick stumbled towards the bathroom in the early afternoon. He popped an Advil.
font face="Times New Roman">The second clue was when he relieved himself.
font face="Times New Roman">That’s odd. It only comes out like that after I’ve…naaah.
He shook his head, chalking it up to that damn whiskey and told himself he wouldn’t be drinking that for a good while.
font face="Times New Roman">The condom wrapper on the bathroom floor was the final clue.
font face="Times New Roman">Gil and I don’t use…Shit!
It hits him like a hammer in his gut. The headache, his morning piss, the condom wrapper. He stared at the wrapper for a long minute before he noticed the clothes strewn out on the bedroom floor.
font face="Times New Roman">Women’s clothes.
font face="Times New Roman">Someone was sleeping in the bed.
font face="Times New Roman">His heart started pounding when he saw exactly who was in the bed.
font face="Times New Roman">The brunette from the bar!
font face="Times New Roman">God, what have I done?!
Nick grabbed up her clothes, went over to her, and woke her up. Told her she had to leave.
font face="Times New Roman">NOW.
font face="Times New Roman">In all the commotion, he didn’t hear the Denali pull into the driveway.
font face="Times New Roman">Nor the front door opening.
font face="Times New Roman">But he heard Gil’s voice, calling out to him.
font face="Times New Roman">“Hey Buddy, I’m home! I heard about Ortega and I…what the…?”
font face="Times New Roman">Gil at the bedroom door. Nick, standing there naked, and a half dressed woman in the bed. The silence was deafening.
font face="Times New Roman">Hell, the scene would have been almost comical were it not so dreadfully awful.
font face="Times New Roman">In a flash Gil was gone, and Nick gave chase, begging him to wait. Forgetting his lack of clothes, Nick tore out the front door after a stone-faced Gil, and tried desperately to beat him to the truck.
font face="Times New Roman">Gil won, and pulled out of the driveway as Nick pleaded with him to stop. Only when the truck had turned the corner, did Nick realize he was standing in the street, naked as the day he was born. Nick ran back into the house, hoping against hope he could make this right.
Twenty-six voicemails.
font face="Times New Roman">And Gil listened to all of them…twice.
font face="Times New Roman">Twenty-six alternately pleading, flustered, apologetic, angry and then back to pleading voicemails.
font face="Times New Roman">Gil Grissom had to give the man credit, Nick was nothing if not persistent.
font face="Times New Roman">Over the course of four hours no less. Gil’s forensic ear picked up the background noise in each message. Different each time.
font face="Times New Roman">A hotel lobby in one.
font face="Times New Roman">Bellagio
Roller coasters in another.
font face="Times New Roman">Been there, done that Nicky my boy. Went there first…it helped a lot.
Crowds of people.
font face="Times New Roman">The strip…saw you first Buddy, but you were looking the other way.
font face="Times New Roman">Nick was going everywhere he could think of that Gil might go. Places where Gil would go to think, or to get away from things for a while. He would come to the cliff soon enough.
font face="Times New Roman">It was a beautiful spot really. Just outside the city, in the desert. A few miles off the main highway, a cliff where a cliff had no right to be, surrounded by sand and brush with a sunset view that could inspire. Gil had discovered it several years ago while scouring the scene of a body dump.
font face="Times New Roman">He brought Nick out here on one of their first actual dates. A picnic as the sun rose. Picturesque, romantic, and so perfect. They made love for the first time then. Oh sure, they had had sex before, but this was different. It was sweet, slow and gentle. An absolute joining of two souls in a way Gil had never known could be possible.
font face="Times New Roman">The first time Gil Grissom had ever been moved to tears by the experience of being with someone so completely.
font face="Times New Roman">He pushed those memories down deep, once pleasant, they hurt so much, thanks to what he had come home to earlier that day. His mind had only grown more confused in the time since he had seen Nick and-and her!-the brunette and took off. He couldn’t stay there, he had to leave, or do something he knew he would regret later
font face="Times New Roman">He came out here hoping for answers.
font face="Times New Roman">Gil Grissom was a man of action, in times like this he needed to be “doing”. His mind needed to be focused on a task, or he would become lost in the confusion of not knowing what to feel, or what to say.
font face="Times New Roman">He needed direction on how to proceed with what he came home to.
font face="Times New Roman">He got none.
font face="Times New Roman">That’s the consequence of letting your heart take control, instead of your brain. A broken heart still beats after all.
font face="Times New Roman">Ain’t love grand?
font face="Times New Roman">Gotta go soon. Wouldn’t do to be late for work...Nick’s probably on his way here anyway.
He caught it on the wind. A scent. A mingling of cool fresh rain and clean sweat, with a hint of cut grass.
font face="Times New Roman">Nick’s scent.
font face="Times New Roman">“Not now Nick,” he said softly, “I’d rather not deal with you right now.”
font face="Times New Roman">Gil stood motionless, refusing to face Nick, or further acknowledge his presence.
font face="Times New Roman">An anguished sound caused Gil to turn, and he saw Nick’s face. It was pale, drawn and tear stained. The pain of remorse was blatantly obvious in his eyes. Gil’s resolve faltered and he at last understood how so many people are able to forgive someone who cheated on them so easily.
font face="Times New Roman">Love. What a bitch.
Nick’s face crumbled, and he rushed towards Gil, hugged him fiercely. His strong arms pulled Gil as close to his body as possible, and Gil automatically returned the hug. Nick was shaking, desperate, exhausted. His head buried into Gil’s neck, he gasped out small cries.
font face="Times New Roman">“Nick. Nick please, come on now.”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick pulled his head up, and Gil could see everything Nick was trying to convey. Nick leaned in, kissed him deeply.
font face="Times New Roman">It almost worked.
font face="Times New Roman">A hot flash of rage surged through Gil.
font face="Times New Roman">“No!”
font face="Times New Roman">And he pushed Nick off of him with such force that Nick fell backwards, landed on his knees in the dirt.
font face="Times New Roman">“What Nick? You think you can just kiss me and make it all better?! It doesn’t work that way and you know it!”
font face="Times New Roman">“Oh God, Gil I…”
font face="Times New Roman">“I can see her on you!” Gil hissed venomously. “I see her, touching you, kissing you! It hurts me Nick! It hurts so much!”
font face="Times New Roman">“Gil, please. I can exp…”
font face="Times New Roman">“You can explain? What!? That you got drunk and fucked some woman!? I figured that much out for myself thank you. Pretty obvious!”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick’s breathing hitched as Gil buried his face in his hands.
font face="Times New Roman">“P...P…Pea-!” Nick began.
font face="Times New Roman">Gil looked down at him in savage agony.
font face="Times New Roman">“Don’t! Just don’t! Christ Nicky, in our home. OUR BED!” Gil was yelling. His control in tatters as the pain started to overtake him.
font face="Times New Roman">“Why Nicky? Why? I love you! I TRUSTED you! I gave you ALL of me. Wasn’t that enough?! Everything I have to give, I gave to YOU!”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick was a wreck of a man by then, knowing that this could be it. He could lose this wonderful soul in his life, all because of a drunken mistake.
font face="Times New Roman">Gil kneeled in front of Nick’s crying, retching body, reached down and grasped Nick’s right hand, put it on his chest.
font face="Times New Roman">“Do you feel that Nick? That’s my heart. But it’s really your heart, because I gave it to you. Remember? On a snow covered hill-side, surrounded by death. Do you remember?”
Nick nodded, he remembered, he’ll never forget.
“I gave it to you that day, and I’ve never given it to anyone before. Ever. You were the first Nick, and I thought it was safe with you. I took my chance, I gave you the power to hurt me because I believed you never would. But you have, in the worst possible way. I gave you my heart Nick, and you broke it.”
font face="Times New Roman">Gil let out a quick laugh, “It doesn’t even matter why anymore, and I think that’s what hurts the most.”
font face="Times New Roman">Gil dropped his hand and stood up. The anger was gone. Replaced by a calm sadness. He crossed his arms, a gesture of self-protection.
font face="Times New Roman">“Gil…” Nick sobbed
font face="Times New Roman">“No Nicky, after this, words mean so little coming from you. Nothing more to be said.”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick reached for Gil, seeking contact.
font face="Times New Roman">“I can’t look at you right now Nick. I need to go.” Gil said softly.
font face="Times New Roman">He started to walk towards his truck.
font face="Times New Roman">“Gil! Gil please! Come back! Please! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry…please!”
font face="Times New Roman">“I know you’re sorry Nick. But I don’t know what to do with...with..." He gesticulated briefly "...this.”
font face="Times New Roman">“Where are you going Gil?”
font face="Times New Roman">“Work, you should get a move on Nick, or you’ll be late. Here.” Gil wasn’t sure why he did it exactly. It just seemed the right thing to do as he slipped the beloved ring off his finger and tossed it to Nick.
font face="Times New Roman">The ring he wore everyday since Nick gave it to him in that hospital, right before all Hell broke loose.
font face="Times New Roman">“You let me know if you still want me to have that.” Gil turned quickly, not wanting to see Nick’s reaction.
font face="Times New Roman">“Gil, don’t go! Come back! Please! I…I…” Nick’s voice faded as he drove off.
Us Gil, I believe in us.
Do you really Nicky?
Damn right I do. What do you believe in?
I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last for three days…
Bull Durham?
You caught me…
And I’m never letting go.
“So Nick, you gonna tell me what you did,” Catherine asked softly, “or should I hazard a guess?”
font face="Times New Roman">It was late…or early rather. That darkest period of the night just before dawn encroached, when the old gods are once more in charge, and the rules of today don’t apply. Nick had made it through almost the whole shift without someone asking him what was up. He had welcomed the possible homicide at the Luxor, but it turned out to be a fraternity prank. Now he was back at the lab, suffering through the tedium of processing evidence on the layout table from the case he was working on during his last shift.
font face="Times New Roman">Of course Catherine would be the one to ask. Someone was bound too, especially with the thick tension in the air. With a sigh, Nick responded, equally softly, “What do you mean Catherine?”
font face="Times New Roman">“What did you do Nick? Something is wrong between you and Gil, everyone can tell.” She was calm, gentle in a way that Nick found comforting. Even though he didn’t deserve comfort at the moment.
font face="Times New Roman">Perhaps never again.
font face="Times New Roman">“What makes you think I did something?” he asked a bit defensively, wondering what Gil may have told her.
font face="Times New Roman">“Because you have guilt written all over your face, and as good as he is at hiding it, I know when Gil is hurting. And he’s hurting Nick, badly. Hell, he’s doing paperwork...willingly!” Catherine tossed her hair back in a way that meant business. “Now tell me what you did, and maybe I can help.”
font face="Times New Roman">“Aw Cath, I don’t want to talk about it, I gotta work this out with Gil on my own.”
font face="Times New Roman">She nodded understandingly and started to smile when her eyes went wide. She stepped back, mouth agape, pink tingeing her cheeks in anger.
font face="Times New Roman">“You bastard!” she said coldly, “How could you do that?!”
Christ, am I that obvious?
“What? Cath…” He tried to interject, but she silenced him with a look, and prodded his chest with an imperious jab of her hand. “I never, NEVER would’ve taken you as a cheater Nicky!”
“What! How did…”
font face="Times New Roman">“Believe me, I can spot a cheater, and no, Gil hasn’t said a word, so don’t even try.” She shook her head in disgust “I bet he caught you didn’t he? Jesus, after everything he’s done, you do that…God, if it was me…”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick hoped the floor would open up and gently swallow him down.
font face="Times New Roman">“So who was it Nick? Who caught your eye?”
font face="Times New Roman">“It wasn’t like that Cath….God, just hear me out, please!”
font face="Times New Roman">She nodded coldly, and Nick knew he had one chance to come clean. If he ended up on Catherine’s bad side, he was done for. So he talked, pouring out everything to her and hoping against hope she’d be forgiving and at least give him advice. By the end of his confession, Nick was on the verge of a breakdown, and Catherine’s glare had softened into pity.
font face="Times New Roman">“You never could hold your liquor Nicky,” she said with a small laugh, “And I take it you threw yourself at Gil’s mercy?”
font face="Times New Roman">He nodded, tears flowing afresh as he recalled the scene on the cliff. “I told him I was sorry. I know I can’t take it back…” He wiped his eyes quickly, “What do I say Catherine? I don’t want to lose him…he’s everything to me.”
font face="Times New Roman">“It’s Gil,” Catherine told him matter-of –fact, “There really isn’t anything you can say. You know him, actions speak louder than words,” she paused, “Do you love him?”
font face="Times New Roman">Nick nodded fervently, “More than I ever loved anyone.”
font face="Times New Roman">“Then you’re going to have to do something to prove it, that’s the only way he’ll start trusting you again…”
font face="Times New Roman">The sound of Ecklie stomping around the lab, scaring the lab techs more than told Gil that Day Shift had begun. He regarded the stacks of forms on his neatly messy desk, bemused at himself for actually making a significant dent in the ever-growing piles.
font face="Times New Roman">After giving his eyes a thorough rubbing and cracking his knuckles, Gil glanced at his watch.
font face="Times New Roman">Damn, almost ten.
He could’ve stayed, though incredibly tired, sleep was for the weak. No one would’ve thought anything out of the ordinary seeing Gil Grissom working in his office, pulling the usual double. But Gil wanted out from the confines of his desk. He made his way toward the exit wondering what the hell he was going to do.
font face="Times New Roman">Nick’s probably at home, waiting to talk to me, but there really isn’t anything he can say…
Though Gil knew they should talk. As much as it hurt, ignoring it wouldn’t make it go away, and he couldn’t just let something like this go. Hell, many in his situation would’ve seen this as perfect grounds to end it all. But he didn’t want to do that either.
font face="Times New Roman">I just need a few days, work things through in my head, figure out this maze I’m in…yeah, go home, pack a few things, and stay at a hotel. We can work this out, I just need some time.
Just a little time.
He pulled up to the house, seeing Nick’s truck in the driveway and hesitated. Then chastised himself, and parked. He refrained from calling out to Nick as per his normal routine, instead stealing in silently and heading upstairs.
The house was quiet, and he figured Nick was asleep.
Good. Maybe I can grab my things and leave without waking him up. It’s just easier that way.
He headed upstairs, taking great pains to avoid the fourth step. Damn thing always creaks. The door was open, and the bedroom was mostly dim, the dark red curtains doing their job very well against the bright sun, save for where they were parted slightly in the middle, letting some light in.
The bed was gone.
The frame, the mattresses, pillows, even the damn sheets! On the floor, under a ratty old blanket- Nick’s Woobie!- lay Nick, sleeping fitfully as the sunlight partially illuminated his form. Gil watched, astonished, as Nick would periodically reach his left hand back behind him, feeling the floor briefly before returning it to his right hand, clasping them like he was praying.
He’s feeling around for me.
Gil was stunned, even asleep, Nick was expecting Gil to be at his side.
He never realized before…
When Nick reached that hand back again, Gil caught a sparkle of light. Nick’s right hand was open slightly. Gil could see the ring he had given Nick in its place on Nick’s ring finger, the Peridot stone of green gleaming in the sun. And in Nick’s palm?
Gil’s ring, the blue Sapphire jewel shining like a beacon to his broken heart, which seemed to be mending very quickly.
Dr. Grissom, the forensic entomologist, was not one for signs or portents. But Gil Grissom, still a relative rookie in the realms of love and relationships, was.
And this is a pretty obvious one at that…
Gil felt the rare prick of tears in his eyes, his heart knowing that things were going to work out after all. He undressed, and lay down next to Nick’s sleeping figure. Got under the blanket. Nick rolled over, curling himself into Gil’s body. His right arm draped across Gil’s stomach, his left arm slipped itself under and onto Gil’s back, to rest a hand on his shoulder as he tucked his head onto Gil’s chest, an automatic response to being next to him. Gil brought his own arm around Nick’s back, resting a hand on the back of his neck, fingers gently stroking the soft brown locks of Nick’s hair.
Nick’s eyes fluttered open, and with a sharp gasp of Gil’s name, he tightened his hold, not quite believing Gil was really there.
“Hey Buddy.”
“Gil…I...I…” Nick stammered.
“It’s ok, Nick, I’m here. I’m not leaving.”
Nick’s body was shaking again, and Gil just held him, letting Nick work through whatever emotion he was feeling.
“I had to get rid of it Peanut,” Nick whispered hesitantly, like a frightened child, “the bed, had to…dirty…tainted…”
“I understand Nick.”
He did understand, fully.
“Please stay with me Gil, don’t leave. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll make things right again,” Nick continued, “I’ll get you to trust me again…”
You already have Buddy.
“…get you to love me again, like I love you.”
“I never stopped loving you Nick. I always will.” Gil said thickly.
Nick buried his face into Gil’s chest, and Gil could feel the moisture from Nick’s tears.
“It’s ok Nicky, everything will be good again.”
Nick nodded, his face still in Gil’s chest.
It was warm and comforting, how they lay. Gil could sense sleep coming to overtake him, and was about to allow it when he felt Nick move slightly. Nick grasped Gil’s right hand, and then Gil felt something light and cool slide over his ring finger.
“I still want you to have this Gil,” Nick said shakily, “I want you to always have it.”
“Then I always will.”
Nick smiled, eyes glistening as he brought his face up to Gil’s. Gil reached up, stroked a thumb over Nick’s left cheek, then he cupped it with his hand and slowly guided Nick’s head down for a kiss. It was slow, long, soft, and deep. It was a kiss of hope and love. Holding the promise of starting anew.
A promise that, as both men slept, wrapped in each other’s arms as the sun did its dance across the blue sky, each was determined to keep.
Because that’s love, and yeah, it is grand.
The End.
Next story in series - The Lingering Hurt
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