Title: No Joke
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen, Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Table: 5_prompts, Month of November challenge
Prompt: Day 2 - You've got to be kidding me
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Ryan Wolfe, unfortunately, just borrowing him for a while. Please do not sue.

***

"You've got to be kidding me," Ryan said, staring at Horatio with wide eyes. He was sure that his jaw had dropped when he had heard what his boss had to say; it didn't seem possible that the rest of the team could feel the way Horatio had said they did.

It wasn't possible that they didn't want him to leave, that they were all against him going to Las Vegas. Ryan didn't know if it was simply because of the problems he'd had with gambling in the past, but it made him feel .... strange, to say the least.

But it was too little, too late. The team had never treated him as though he really belonged; he had always felt that he was on the outside looking in, for seven long years. He didn't want to keep feeling that way -- and if he stayed here in Miami, then he always would.

It didn't matter that they seemed to want him to stay now that he'd made up his mind that he was leaving. They couldn't keep him here; too much had happened that he wanted to put behind him, and it was best for him if he did so as quickly as possible.

What did it matter now if he stayed or went? If he stayed, then he would always have to be looking over his shoulder for one of his many enemies here; he didn't want to spend his life doing that. And he didn't want to talk about what had happened to him so recently.

He had told Horatio about some of it, but he couldn't bring himself to talk about the personal violation he'd suffered. Even Horatio, as much of a mentor as he could sometimes seem, wasn't someone who Ryan felt comfortable with knowing what had been done to him.

He didn't want to think about it himself, much less have anyone else be privy to the information. He wanted to push it into the back of his mind and slam a heavy door in front of it, to erase it from his memories and try to forget that it had ever happened.

Maybe that wasn't the best attitude to take, but it was how he felt -- and he wasn't going to change his mind. Staying here in Miami would only make those memories seem all the more vivid, keep them alive for much longer than Ryan wanted them to stick around.

"It's no joke, Ryan," Horatio said slowly, shaking his head, a small smile on his lips. "Nobody wants you to leave. I know you feel like you have to, but I wish you'd reconsider. Vegas might not be the best place for you to go, even though they say they could use a good CSI."

"I know it might not seem like the right place for me to be, given some of the problems I've had in the past," Ryan began, before taking a deep breath and continuing. "But I can't stay here in Miami, Horatio. I appreciate that the team wants me to stay, but ...."

His voice trailed off; he looked down at the ground, unable to look Horatio in the eye. He had the feeling that if he did, he might lose some of his resolve to leave, even though he didn't really feel in his heart that the rest of the team really wanted him here.

If they had, then they would have shown him how they felt when he had first said that he was leaving -- and they would have treated him more as a member of the team rather than as a scapegoat during all of the years that he'd been working with them.

"I know that you feel you've got to do what's best for you," Horatio said slowly, his gaze fixed on Ryan. "I'm not going to lie, Ryan. I'd like for you to stay, too. You're a good CSI. I might not always have shown you that I think you're good at what you do, but I do."

"Thanks, Horatio," Ryan managed to say, his throat tightening as he spoke. Was he doing the right thing by leaving? Would it be better to stay here, with the team that he was used to, with people who, even if they didn't show it, did actually value his contribution to their team?

No, he told himself firmly. His time in Miami was done. He had spent all of his life here; it was time that he spread his wings and tried something new. He couldn't stay in the same place all of his life; that might be right for some people, but it wasn't for him.

It wasn't just what had happened when he was kidnapped by the Cuban mob that had made him feel that he wanted to leave Miami. It was the fact that he wanted to see other places, to get out of the city he'd been born and raised in, to make his way in the world in new surroundings.

"I'd stay if I felt like I could, Horatio," he said, finally raising his head to look the other man in the eye. "But it's not just about what happened with the Cubans. It's about me needing to get away from the place I've always lived. I just need to get out into the world."

Horatio nodded, smiling a little as he studied Ryan. "I can accept that," he said, though he still sounded a little regretful. "But I promised the team that I'd try to get you to stay. I understand that you can't, Ryan. I know how you feel. I've felt that way in the past myself."

"Then you understand why I've got to leave." Ryan took another deep breath, facing Horatio and not looking away this time. "I've never felt like I really belonged on this team, Horatio. I've never felt like I was really accepted with no reservations. I need to find a place where I won't feel that way."

Horatio nodded, then looked away -- but not before Ryan had caught what looked like a flash of regret in the other man's eyes. Did he guess how much he himself had been responsible for what Ryan was feeling? If he did, he apparently wasn't going to mention it.

"You know that we all wish you well, no matter what you decide to do, Ryan," he finally said, turning back to the younger man. "And that's no joke, either. You mean a lot to us all, even if we haven't always shown it. I wish we had. Then maybe you'd think twice about leaving."

"I've thought a lot more than twice about it," Ryan told him, suddenly feeling defensive. He wasn't going to change his mind, no matter what Horatio said. It didn't matter that the rest of the team said they wanted him to stay. As what? As their whipping boy? Their punching bag?

He was through with that. He was ready for a change -- and it was too late to turn back now. His bags were packed, his belongings would be moved out of his apartment in two days, and then he would be on the way to Vegas to start a new job and a new life.

He was more than ready for that new life. And it was time for him to reach out and take it -- no matter what he was leaving behind. He was sure that Horatio could understand that -- and he hoped that, in time, the rest of the team would as well.

***