Title: Not Afraid To Die
By: Ldinka
Pairing: Horatio/Speed
Rated: NC-17
Disclaimer: Everybody knows that I own nothing here
Beta: Simorg – Russian, Jessi - English
Warnings: suicide, songfic
Summary: Short story. The song by Pain "Not Afraid To Die".

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A journey through the space, colours, planets everywhere

We're testing our (in)sanity

A razor across our skins, dropping all these magic pills

Can't you see we're floating away

Tim was looking at his bandaged wrists. He couldn't get it. What happened, that he found himself here? Where did that fateful succession of events, that led him to now and here, spring from? And why? Here and now he was lying on hospital bed with bandaged wrists. The most startling was that he couldn't remember him doing it. Him taking the knife and bringing it to the tender skin of his wrist. Him cutting himself, overcoming the pain, overcoming the natural disinclination of his body to hurt itself. He didn't remember the moment when the thin stripe appeared swelling with scarlet beads of blood. The moment the thin scratch becoming deeper and wider. He didn't remember the blade tearing his skin, his muscles, his arteries. He didn't remember the blood running down his arm, his palm on the floor drying up, coagulating, wasting life.

Come take my hand, we'll fly away

We'll move in silence

We'll take a trip inside our heads

Frame by frame

Easy. Everything was easy in his life. And than he realized everything in his life was becoming incredibly difficult. It was difficult to wake up in the mornings and go to work. It was difficult to make himself have breakfast, ride to work, look at dead people, look at victims' relatives, look at ducking out criminals. It was difficult to come back to the empty house. It was difficult to fall asleep in the evenings to wake up with difficulty in the mornings. And so on and so forth. All because of him. It was difficult even to breath without him. Tim couldn't breath without him, couldn't restrain his wish to touch him, to taste his lips, look into his eyes to see the reflection of his love there.

We're not afraid to die

We're not afraid to lose our minds

We're not afraid to face the things we left behind

We're not afraid

He had fallen in love before; he had loved a man before. But there was something special about this man that Tim suddenly found himself at the bottom of the dark and cold ravine of despair. This world wasn't meant for Tim anymore, and Tim fought not. Why should he? To recover, leave and forget…What for? Why should he wait, bear and hope?

No, Tim wasn't afraid. He just came to Horatio and said the truth. "I'm sorry, but I love you". The response was the stare: 'And what should I do with that?' "I won't be a burden to you, Horatio, I won't give you trouble. I just thought that you have a right to know, that's all…"

Can you feel the vibration now

Turn your body inside out

This is really going to hurt

Diving to the sea of hell

They stood there and looked at each other. And Tim's heart ached. He balled his hands into fists. Ice spread inside his stomach. There was silence, very long silence. "Tim, I don't know what to say". But he knew everything. "Of course I'm flattered, but…" Have you ever heard the surges breaking against the thousand-year cliffs? Tim heard that exact roar in his ears. But even through this rumble of hell came the words: "I'm not of this kind, Tim…I love Yelina. I always loved and always will. And even if I didn't, I doubt we could be together. I'm sorry." Tim just nodded.

Can you hear the judgment bells

It's ringing for you and I

Hear how it's calling out our names

You better drop another pill

It will never be the same

We're going down

And he continued his existence. He continued waking up in the morning, going to work, looking at him and continued dying slowly, very slowly. He was so absorbed with depression that he didn't even care about sympathizing glances of his colleagues. How had they learnt? Or did he just think they knew? They didn't know. There were no sympathy or pity in their eyes. They are just people with their own problems and lives. Why would they look around, when they should look straight ahead? Why?

We're not afraid to die

We're not afraid to lose our minds

We're not afraid to face the things we left behind

We're not afraid to cry

We're not afraid to kiss the sky

We're not afraid to face the things we left behind

Horatio was caught in the shooting and was injured. The whole lab was in the hospital. But when Horatio regain consciousness it was Yelina who held his hand. It was she who told him words of joy and relief. Those were her lips that touched his. Those were her eyes that looked into his to see the reflection of her love. And Tim couldn't remember how the thought of fast and final ending had come to his mind. How didn't matter. Why? Well, for some one it did matter. It was all the same for Tim. A sharp knife in one hand, sharp pain in other. A little bit of patience and darkness.

To wake up in hospital with bandaged wrists.

A constant replay of our lives is flashing before my eyes

A silent movie in black and white

Maybe it got too much too soon

It's getting hot as hell and we're burning up

I think we're gonna crash

Pettiness and sympathy didn't help. Neither did his friends' astonishment and pain. Neither did medicine and doctors. Nothing and nobody would rescue and cure.

Everything became easy again. Easy to slip out of Eric's house. Easy to write a letter begging Eric not to blame himself. Easy to mount the motorcycle and fly away. Everything was so unexpectedly easy. Top speed. To close your eyes and think about nothing but him. His eyes, his lips, his hands, his soul.

Darkness.

We're not afraid to die

We're not afraid to lose our minds

We're not afraid to face the things we left behind

We're not afraid to cry

We're not afraid to kiss the sky

We're not afraid to face the things we left behind

***