Title: Nothing But What We Somehow Choose
By: assette
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Alternate Universe: What if Nick never left his family/roots in Dallas? What if Grissom turned down the opportunity to take over the unit for Brass at the beginning of season one?

***

Packing, Grissom decided, was a lot like going for a long drive; the endless repetition numbed your senses while your mind drifted aimlessly. The last month had been an emotional roller coaster, not the variety he preferred, and now, in this lull, he found himself reflecting. His mind circled round and round the issue but always arrived at the same conclusion; leaving was the right decision to make. He had to smile at that thought, as if he had any choice in the matter at all.

He loved working as a crime scene investigator, but more than anything else, he loved being a scientist. The Sheriff had know exactly what he was doing with his well-meaning offer, ultimatum really, to take over the unit or leave. He had never been on the man's good side, as he refused to allow the politics of the job to interfere with the science. He had to give the man credit though, it was only through astute observation that he had managed to manipulate this situation to his advantage. Brass being moved back to captain had presented the Sheriff with the perfect opportunity to get rid of him and move Catherine into the supervisor's position. He couldn't fault her for taking the job he had walked away from; she had been after a promotion for some time now. He couldn't deny either, that she was far more suited to the job than he. He would miss the team, but he took solace in knowing that the lab would be in her capable hands. He knew she would thrive under the pressure, where Brass had floundered and he dared not go. He couldn't abide the idea of his love for forensics being sullied, or drowned out altogether, by political mind games and mountains of paperwork.

Being a CSI wasn't just a career to him, it was his vocation in life; and while it wasn't easy to uproot himself from his comfort zone here in Vegas, he knew that this was just a city like any other, and that he could do the same work somewhere else. He had gotten enough offers over the years, mostly from labs that were struggling; his publishing papers and giving lectures could give a lab some weight, credibility. Many of the offers were from the east coast however, and in a moment of brutal honesty, he had admitted to himself that despite the quality of the opportunities, he just wasn't up for the change in climate. So, he had made a few calls, looked up old acquaintances and peers, and was pleased to find an opening rather quickly; he didn't relish the idea of being out of the lab for an extended period of time, even if it would give him the chance to finish up a few papers he had been working on recently. An old colleague had put him in touch with the head of the criminalistics division in Dallas, Frank Temple. The man had jumped on the opportunity to bring him on board. He found he was actually quite excited by the prospect of changing locales; there would be a wealth new information to learn.

There was only one piece of the puzzle he couldn't quite make fit, one he was sure was going to bother him for some time to come; there had been cake in the break room. It had come as a complete surprise to him, and he still had trouble wrapping his mind around the 'why'. He smiled ruefully; his overactive mind was slowing his packing progress, and there was much to do before the movers came. He needed to take a page out of Buddha's book: Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

***************

It had been a long shift, almost a double, and Nick was glad to be finishing up. He grabbed his completed report off the printer and headed down the hall to his supervisor's office. Once this was turned in he would be home free, or close to it anyway; he was meeting his family for Sunday dinner and he was hoping to actually be on time this week.

He knocked on the opened door and stuck his head inside, "Hey Liz, got the write up for the Hawkin's case done. Hafiz said he'd have his report to you by the start of next shift."

"Great, thanks Nick." He started backing out of the room, but didn't quite manage to get away. "Oh, Nick, could you come in for a minute? I had something to discuss with you." Figures, he should have seen that coming; there had been rumors flying around all week about the day shift guy who'd up and quit. Supposedly, they were either bringing someone in from outside the lab or promoting someone from night shift to take the spot. He had been a CSI 2 for all of eternity now and it was about time they promoted him, he sure wouldn't mind the jump in pay.

"Sure Liz, what's up?" He pulled up a chair in front of her desk.

"I'm sure you've heard the talk lately." He nodded in the affirmative and she went on, "I wanted to let you know that Jack Chesnut was promoted to CSI 3 and has transferred to day shift."

"What? You gotta be kidding me, I started as a CSI 2 almost six months before Jack. Have, have I done something wrong?"

"You haven't done anything 'wrong' Nick, but you still have a lot to learn. I just wanted to tell you myself, give you a heads up, before Jack got around to rubbing it in your face."

Well thanks a whole heck of a lot for nothing. He let out a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck, trying to clamp down on his anger, "So, are we gonna be short staffed on nights now?"

"No, quite the opposite, in fact. Frank already found someone to fill the position. Gil Grissom from Las Vegas, he'll be here at the end of the week."

"Really? Dr. Grissom the entomologist?"

"One in the same."

"Wow, he's one of the best in his field, we couldn't even afford to bring him down here to host a seminar. How did Frank swing that?"

"He said the guy called him. Not sure on the details, but Frank is delighted; thinks this will be a big boost for the lab." Nick nodded; he'd have to google the guy and find out what his story was. "Tomorrow is your day off, right Nick?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you head out for the day then, we can talk about this more later, okay?" Nick nodded started making his way to the parking garage. Maybe the drive would give him a chance to collect his thoughts, so he wouldn't be in such a funk when he got to dinner.

***************

Nick was almost to his parent's house and he was no clearer headed than he had been twenty minutes ago. He wasn't exactly angry anymore about getting passed over for the promotion; he was just disappointed, mostly in himself. He couldn't really fault Liz for the decision, he knew better than anyone else that despite the years he had worked as a CSI he wasn't excelling, wasn't advancing. It was the story of his life; no matter what he did he couldn't make everyone happy, didn't matter if it was his boss or his family.

He was thirty years old for god's sake, when was everyone going to start treating him like an adult? He could hear his father's voice in his head say 'I'll start treating you like an adult when you start acting like one.' It had applied when he was sixteen just as much as it did now. He was the baby of the family; the last of seven, and most days he didn't think his parents would ever view him as anything but a child. What he wanted more than anything else was for them to start respecting the choices he had made, the life he was trying to build for himself. Ever since he had left the police force, he felt like they were all just waiting for him to decide it was a mistake. He had always had their love and support but what he craved was their approval, for them to finally say, you made the right choice, you're doing the right thing with your life.

He had recently bought a house and had hoped, expected really, that when he told his parents about the new place they would take it as their cue to see him as an adult; but it hadn't turned out that way at all, had backfired spectacularly, in fact. Now, instead of asking when he was going to move out of the dump apartment he'd had since college, all his family talked about was when he was going to meet a nice girl and settle down. Fat chance of that happening. He had acquired the image of a lady's man in college, mostly due to his frat brothers; very little of it had to do with him or his luck with women, which was pathetic at best and lately, non-existent. He hadn't even had time to breathe much less date; his life was built around his work. Now he just went on a date here and there to keep his mother pacified, but his heart wasn't in it. He didn't dare to tell them that he wasn't really interested in 'finding a nice girl'... at all, ever. He was already the black sheep; not only could he not hack it as a cop, he had no wife and no kids, so clearly he must be leading a sad and unfulfilled life. He tried to feel less bitter about it. It was his choice after all; to ignore his feelings and not act on his attraction to other men. It wasn't worth it; just thinking about the look of disappointment on his mother's face made his stomach turn. His family was everything to him, he couldn't bear the idea of losing them; it was easier to just avoid the issue altogether. Well, it had been easier anyway, until his mother and sisters decided to take it upon themselves to try and set him up with every available woman they could find.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he pulled in to the drive. Good, he wasn't the last to arrive, and it looked like his brother was already here; maybe he could talk him into a game on the PS2 so he could avoid his sisters' nagging. He clung to that bit of optimism as he made his way up the walk and entered the house.

***************

Grissom took note of the people and labs around him as he made his way towards his new supervisor's office. He had already been in contact with human resources several times in the past few days, trying to get situated in his new position, but he had yet to meet any of the people he would be working with, aside from Frank. Frank had spoken highly of the night shift supervisor and he was looking forward to meeting her. It was going to be an adjustment to go from the number two lab in the country to the number eighteenth, the difference in budget alone was staggering. He chose to believe that it just meant they had more room for improvement. When he arrived at the supervisor's office, she was nowhere to be seen. He took the opportunity to look around the space, try to get a feel for the woman. The area was spartan; there were pictures, presumably of her family, and a framed degree from Rice University, but little in the way of knickknacks or personal effects.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. Elizabeth Hooper, night shift supervisor."

"Gil Grissom," her handshake was firm and perfunctory.

"I've heard a great deal about you, Mr. Grissom. I'm looking forward to getting you out into the field to see if any of it's true."

Her words were softened by her smile, but he got the message. He wasn't going to go out of his way to impress the woman; his work would have to speak for itself, and she could draw whatever conclusions she pleased.

"You'll be paired up with one of the other night shift CSIs until you get settled in. As the only other CSI 3 on this shift, besides myself, you'll have the opportunity to select your cases later on. For now let's head down to the conference room, I'll introduce you to the others and we can get this shift started." She started walking out of the room and continued talking, leaving him little option but to follow. "If you have any questions or concerns, come see me anytime. I'll come find you mid-shift, we can grab a bite to eat and get better acquainted."

The conference room appeared to be a combined break room and staff room. He could feel everyone's eyes on him as they made their way into the area. It was a good thing he enjoyed being a mentor; the other shift members looked awfully young, or perhaps he was just feeling old.

"Evening guys, this is Gil Grissom, CSI 3, he'll be taking over Jack's position. Gil this is Hafiz Vahevaara and Vijay Kumar."

"He hardly needs an introduction Liz; Nick's been regaling us with his CV for the last week." Hafiz snorted and Elizabeth smiled at this; Gil was only slightly confused. The small Indian woman made her way towards him with her hand outstretched. "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Grissom; I attended one of your seminars last fall on the life cycle of blow flies." He didn't recognize her face; she must not have asked any questions.

"No doubt, boy's been gahcked about your comin'." Grissom wasn't sure if being 'gahcked' was a good thing or a bad thing, so he chose to make no comment. He was certain that any conversation with Hafiz was bound to be educational.

He smiled congenially at her but didn't get the chance to reply before Elizabeth cut in, "Where is Nick?"

Hafiz piped in with, "He's already workin' the DB at White Rock; whatever you said to the boy sure lit a fire under his ass."

Elizabeth frowned at this, "Okay. Well, V, you and Gil head on out there. Hafiz you're with me; we've got a smash and grab at the Galleria."

***************

The drive to White Rock Lake Park didn't take long, and Vijay filled him in on the case on the way over. She spent the better part of the trip surreptitiously looking him over; so he reviewed the map of the park and the case file, hoping to distract himself and keep from being overwhelmed. He was going to need some time to process all of the information he'd gathered in the last few hours; he could already feel a headache coming on.

"Hey V, that the new guy?" That would take some time to get used to.

"Yeah, Ron. Gil Grissom, Ron Shelton." Grissom nodded at the detective, but the scene was already drawing him in.

Everyone was keeping their distance from the body; there were birds all over the place. An attractive man with a camera obscuring his face was standing the closest, taking shots of the birds. He made his way across the terrain to get a better look. The birds fluttered and shifted as he approached; the man lowered his camera, "Whoa there, those warblers spook pretty easy, don't want 'em flying off with bits of our crime scene." The Texas drawl, which he had found grating from others in the last few days, seemed natural and charming coming out of this man's mouth. Grissom had to wonder how long it would take before he developed his own accent or, for that matter, what his speech sounded like to them; not that he'd been very talkative since arriving here. The old adage was true after all; you never got a second chance to make a first impression and with his track record for people skills, he didn't want to say anything to get himself in trouble before he'd even gotten accustomed to the place.

"Warblers?"

"The birds, warbling vireos, vireo gilvus, neotropical migrants found in this area during the winter months, usually feed on insects and berries. Not sure what these ones are doin' here."

Vijay walked up on the other side of the man. "Easy, bird boy. Not everyone spends all their free time watching Animal Planet." Well that was apparently a sore subject; the man scowled in her direction and she looked grudgingly apologetic before setting down her kit and pulling on some gloves.

Grissom was only half listening to their conversation; he was more focused on the birds, and the insects they were eating. "Stethorus utilis." He returned his attention to his new coworkers and at the blank looks on the their faces, he continued, "The warblers, they're here eating ladybird beetles."

Vijay rolled her eyes and muttered, "Great, now we have a bug man too. I'll take the surrounding area, you two have fun with your bugs and birds."

Grissom smirked then held out his hand to the other man, "Gil Grissom." That got him a big smile; one he felt compelled to return. He couldn't remember the last time someone had been that happy to meet him or when he'd last seen that many unnaturally white teeth in one place.

"Nick Stokes."

Grissom reluctantly took his hand back but couldn't quite tear his eyes away from that smile. He gestured in the direction of the body; forcing his eyes and his attention back on the matter at hand, "Looks like this one's for the birds."

***

The ringing of his cell phone dragged his attention away from his crossword puzzle, but barely. He flipped the phone open and answered distractedly, "Grissom."

"Hi Gil, its Catherine."

He set his pen and puzzle down and switched the phone to his dominant hand, giving her his full attention, "Hey Catherine, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, things here are good; same shit different day, you know. How are things in the lone star state?"

"Good, they're good. How are you and Lindsey doing?"

"She's growing like a weed, nothing new there. Work's been hectic, as you can imagine, but I'm getting in the groove. Being supervisor definitely has its perks. I've missed having you around."

He was quit for a moment, "I... I've missed being around."

"Really?" She almost sounded like she didn't believe him.

"Yeah," he thought about it for a second, "yeah, I really have. I mean it's not... things aren't bad here... just different, you know?"

"I understand Gil; it's a big change. Are things working out okay at the new lab?"

"The work is interesting, I'm learning a lot about the area... They have me shadowing a CSI level two."

"Bummer. I'm sure that will change soon enough, they probably just want to give you a chance to learn the ropes; not toss you in the deep end of the pool."

"It's given me some perspective. It's been so long, I had forgotten what it felt like to not have everyone trust me implicitly." He chuckled dryly, "And if one more person calls me 'the new guy'..." Catherine laughed on the other end, and even through the scratchy cell phone, it warmed his heart. He really had missed her, missed having a friend to talk to, just to banter with.

"So are you playing nice with the new team; making any little friends?"

"Well... they all seem competent enough; some more than others, but... I haven't really gotten to know any of them yet."

"You don't exactly make it easy for people to get to know you."

"I know. Will you say hello to Warrick and Brass for me?"

"Sure. And hey, don't be a stranger, okay?"

***************

After his conversation with Catherine, Grissom had been feeling almost homesick, even a touch lonely. He hadn't realized how much he missed having someone to talk to. It had prompted him to take Hafiz up on his offer, when he was invited to join some of the others after work for drinks. He chooses to blame his current predicament on Catherine; if she hadn't called, he would be at home right now doing a crossword puzzle. Instead he was listening to Hafiz deride Nick over a harmless anecdote about humming birds.

"I musta missed that special on the Discovery Channel, or Animal Planet, or whatever it is you watch." Hafiz was teasing, but it was clear Nick didn't see the humor.

Grissom looked pointedly at Hafiz, his tone reproachful, "I've watched enough of those channels to say with certainty that Nick's knowledge of birds didn't come from there. Is far superior, in fact, to the information they provide." Nick averted his gaze, embarrassed; he'd rather they believe he watches too much television than know that he spends his free time reading nature books and bird watching.

"Ornithology is a fascinating subject, but not one I've been able to apply myself to with any conviction."

"Yeah? Why not?" Nick seemed genuinely curious.

"Haldane said that god must have an inordinate fondness for beetles, as they comprise about a quarter of all know species, but despite their advantage in numbers, a blue martin can eat thousands of beetles in one night."

"Cycle of life man."

"Very true. But, I'm kind of partial to the little guys." Grissom's smile was wry.

Ron felt compelled to add his two cents, "If you're gonna study something, why not pick something more useful than birds?"

Grissom slid easily into lecture mode, "Learning is never a waste; no matter how esoteric the knowledge. Mastering the science of forensics is based on a person's ability to know something about everything." Nick couldn't help smiling a little smugly; it wasn't often someone stood up and defended him, even if it was just his point of view.

The conversation hit a lull after Grissom's little speech, until Hafiz changed the subject. "Anybody catch the Ranger's game last night?"

"Naw, I missed it, but I watched the highlights. That home run at the bottom of the seventh was awesome." Nick stopped to finish off his drink, "Speaking of baseball, my dad is going to be out of town week after next, so I have an extra ticket, if anybody's interested."

Grissom waited a beat to see if anyone else wanted the ticket, but they were all suddenly very fascinated by their drinks. "I haven't been to a game in years; I'd love to go."

Nick practically beamed at him, "Really? Great." Nick saw Hafiz shaking his head and scowled at him, "I'm gonna get another round."

As soon as Nick was out of ear shot, Hafiz leaned forward and said, "You should try and back out soon, before he gets too excited about it."

Grissom frowned at him, not understanding. "Why would I do that?"

Ron sighed, "We've all gone to one game with Nick. Just one."

At the confused look on Grissom's face, Hafiz continued, "His dad's the only person who can stand to go with him and he hates going to the games alone, but the man don't shut up the entire game."

Ron picked up for him, "Yeah, he turns into Rain Man or something, recites statistics the entire game, keeps mumbling to himself every time there's a play. I swear he recalculates the averages after every play."

The table went quiet at Nick's return; Grissom was still frowning. Nick tried to keep from sounding too disappointed, "So, have they talked you out of goin' yet?"

"On the contrary, I find that baseball is a game whose beauty lies in the simplicity of the sport being so sharply contrasted by the complexity of the statistics involved. Just let me know when and where, and I'll make sure I'm off."

***************

"So, Grissom, how was the game?" Hafiz questioned.

Grissom nodded absently, not looking up from his case file, "Good." Ron and Hafiz stood waiting for more, but nothing was forthcoming. Grissom ignored them, walking around them on his way to evidence.

"That guy sure knows how to suck the fun out of gossiping."

Hafiz spied Nick on his way down the hall and hurried to catch up with him. "Hey my man, heard it was a good game last week."

"Huh? Oh, hey Hafiz, Ron. So it was good?"

Hafiz laughed, "I'm asking you man, weren't you there?"

"Well yeah, but I sorta missed the whole last half of the game." He said as he continued to walk towards the break room.

"Say what?"

"Well, I made the mistake of telling Gris that I'd never eaten ballpark food, that my dad always said it was a waste of money and would put you in an early grave. He went on a tirade about 'the epicurean joys I had missed out on' and how I hadn't had 'the full baseball experience'. We spent the rest of the game at the concession stand; the guy knows way too much about hot dogs."

"You're kidding right? He got mister manorexic to eat a hot dog?" Hafiz looked at Ron for back up.

"Man, when I went with you, I could hardly talk you into getting out of your seat to go to the bathroom."

"I'm not anorexic! I eat plenty, just 'cause I lift my head out of the trough long enough to breathe..."

"Oooh, ouch."

"So was the heartburn worth it?"

Nick smiled in spite of himself and almost sighed, "Yeah."

"Whoa, we are still talking about food, right?"

Nick gave Ron an exasperated look, "Yes," and set his papers down on the break room table. "The food was okay; some was a little more revolting than the rest. But, it was just... he looked like a little kid at Christmas; ain't never seen anyone that happy to watch someone eat a snow cone."

Ron and Hafiz laughed, "No kidding?"

Nick went to get his lunch out of the fridge, "Son of a..."

"What?"

"Did Grissom put another experiment in there?" Nick shook his head and pulled out a colorful bag of cotton candy with his name written on it.

Hafiz said, "Leftovers?"

Nick snorted indelicately, "Hardly. I may have caved on the cinnamon sugar pretzel, but I flat out refuse to eat cotton candy," he shook the bag in the air, "this stuff is pure sugar; it has no redeeming nutritional value whatsoever." The other two chuckled and headed back out into the hallway to let Nick eat his lunch.

"So, care to make a friendly wager...?"

Ron laughed, "I got ten bucks says he eats it before end of shift."

Hafiz countered, "My money's on the end of his lunch break."

***************

Nick couldn't stop fidgeting and bouncing his leg under the table. He saw Liz eyeing him forced himself to sit still. But no more than five minutes later she sighed looked over at him again. Nick hadn't been paying attention, but he was praying she hadn't asked him a question. Day dreaming during staff meetings was why sugar was bad. Liz was looking at him still; crap, what had he missed? "I'm sorry, could you repeat the question."

She set down her papers and said, a little annoyed, "There was no question," she looked pointedly down, and he followed her gaze... to the pen he was incessantly tapping on the table. He set it down immediately and put his hands in his lap.

He shrugged at her and tried to look apologetic, "Sugar buzz."

She raised an eyebrow but said nothing; he looked away. Hafiz was smirking triumphantly, Vijay was scowling a little, and Grissom looked completely impassive. For a moment, he had to wonder if it might really have been Hafiz who left the cotton candy.

He looked back at Grissom; the set of his mouth gave away nothing, but his eyes... his eyes were twinkling with mischief. Elizabeth interrupted his staring and pulled his mind back from its aimless drifting, "May we continue?"

He flushed and gave a weak, "Yeah, sorry," and spent the rest of the meeting pretending to stare at the case file in front of him while he stole glances at Grissom across the table.

He was never eating cotton candy again.

***

Vijay skidded to a halt outside the evidence room, "Nick, can you come calm Grissom down, he's in the Chem lab ripping the tech a new one over the Dalby case."

Nick had heard about that one, three dead kids. It made him glad to still be pulling trick rolls and assaults. "What makes you think I'd be any help?"

"Well you're his friend; you guys hang out together all the time, he listens to you. He about bit my head off when I tried to interfere."

Nick follows her down to the lab but he's still not sure what to do. He makes a quick decision when he gets within ear shot; Grissom is really laying into the guy. He makes plenty of noise entering the lab, and interrupts Grissom's tirade, "Hey Gris when you're done here, I could really use your help with an experiment across the hall." Then he turns and leaves the room just as quickly as he entered.

Grissom, watches Nick go and flounders a bit before finishing lamely, "Just, don't do that again," and following Nick across that hall.

He opens his mouth to berate Nick for interrupting his conversation, when Nick shoves a pipe in his hands and says, "I'm trying to determine the angular velocity needed to cause a concussion. I already have the computer set up, but I need someone to hit the dummy for me." Nick sits down at the computer. Grissom looks at the pipe then at Nick.

Nick lies, "All set over here boss, just hit the red spot on the side of his head, start off slow and easy and work up to hitting as hard and fast as you can." Grissom nods and starts swinging.

When he finally slows down, he's out of breath and shaky, the exertion has left him as physically drained as he already is emotionally. Nick gets up from the computer to stand behind him. Grissom is staring at the floor, still holding the pipe in a tight grip. Nick cautiously sets his hand on Grissom's shoulder; he has to wonder if Grissom is always wound this tight or if it was just this case getting to him. Nick knows he doesn't need to explain that there was no simulation. Grissom takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, willing himself to regain control.

"If, uhh, you're not busy after shift...my family gets together for dinner every Sunday afternoon."

Grissom turns and looks at him little blankly, thrown, "I don't think I'd be very good company this evening."

Nick shifts his weight nervously, "Well, I know it's not six flags or anything, but... it might help, you know?"

Grissom clearly didn't see where he was going. "It's just, all the time here we see people, children, on the worst, often last, day of their life. It helps sometimes, to see the ones that haven't been left behind."

Grissom started nodding his head slowly, "Yeah, okay. That... sounds like a good idea."

Nick gave him an easy smile, "Great. So, I'll just, umm, catch up with you at the end of shift then, we can drive over together."

Grissom nods and sets the pipe down on the table, then turns to leave. At the door he pauses without looking back, "Thank you, Nicky," then makes his way back across the hall to apologize.

***************

Nick stopped inside the door of his parent's house and slid off his shoes, "My mom has a thing about shoes in the house; you can just leave 'em in the pile by the door." Grissom nodded, then squatted to untie his own shoes. Nick continued, "I'm just gonna let them know we're here, make sure they set an extra place at the table."

Nick went straight down the hall to the kitchen, his mother and most of his sisters were bound to be there.

He kissed his mother on cheek, "Hi mom. I brought a friend for dinner, I hope that's okay."

"Why that's more than okay Nicky. Where is this young lady?"

"Uh, well, it's not really like that..." Grissom saves him the trouble of explaining, when he walks in and stands silently behind him; looking over the kitchen.

Nick clears his throat, "This is, uh, Gil Grissom, we work together at the crime lab. Gil this is my mom, Janet Stokes, and some of my sisters, Susan, Kathy, and Teri."

"Some?"

"Well, there's a lot of us."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Stokes."

"Why, it's lovely to finally meet you Mr. Grissom, Nicky has been talking about you for weeks now. Come, sit."

Nick laughed, a little embarrassed, while Grissom took the offered chair. Nick only felt the slightest bit guilty about turning tail and heading for the relative safety of the living room. His mother was a great hostess, surely Grissom would be okay in her hands for a little while.

***************

Nick was lounging comfortably in the den, playing dreamcast with his brother-in-laws when Teri came in and tried to strike up a conversation. Grissom, apparently done being interrogated in the kitchen, trailed close behind her. "Hey Nick, are you friends with the intern from criminilistics who's getting married at the end of the month?"

Nick knows the guy she's talking about, and he had already heard plenty of jokes in the locker room about the big gay wedding. He tries to clamp down on his immediate and irrational defensiveness, "Why the hell would I know him?" His voice comes out a lot harsher than he intended, Grissom raises an eyebrow at his outburst but says nothing.

Teri holds up her hands in mock surrender, "Well, he works in the same building, and it seems like you know everyone else there." She shrugs and continues, "I think it's great news," she's looks at him pointedly, but when he meets her eyes she looks at Grissom.

He shifts uncomfortably on the floor and hands off his controller to his brother, Brain. Teri has always suspected, she was the closest to him, but he had never had the balls to come out and admit it to her face. "They aren't' really getting married; they can't. They're just signing papers."

His brother looks back at him and shrugs, "Poe-tae-toe, poe-ta-toe. It's the meaning behind the act that's important, not the semantics."

"Whatever. The guy's vain." Admittedly he was grasping for an excuse not to like the man.

"I thought you didn't know him."

"I never said that. I've seen the guy around. I never tried to make his acquaintance; the kid would make Narcissus proud."

Grissom tilted his head to the side and intoned, "Narcissus didn't fall in love with his reflection because it was beautiful, but because it was his. If it were his beauty that enthralled him, he would be set free with its fading."

Nick was saved from responding by the arrival of his other sister, Margaret, with their new baby in tow. "Hey Margaret, Joe. Can I hold Emma before Grandma steals her for the evening?"

"Be my guest. I'll be in the kitchen, holler if she gets too fussy."

"Sure."

Grissom watched with rapt attention while Nick played with the child. He could hear Janet coming down the hall already. Apparently Nick heard her too, "Here, you hold her. She won't take her away from you; you're company." Nick smiled brightly and handed the child over to him. He took hold of it, but kept it at arms length; just staring while it squirmed and made nonsensical noises. Just as Nick had said, Janet entered the room, but made no motion to take the child away from him.

Nick laughed a little, "Haven't you ever held a baby before?"

"I've held lots of children. They were just all dead."

Nick saved him from further awkwardness by taking the baby back. "Come on Gris, you can help me change her diaper. It will be a learning experience."

Grissom pulled out some gloves and started to put them on. He stopped at Nick's laughter.

"You carry those with you everywhere?"

"Of course, you never know what you might encounter."

"You won't need them."

Grissom pointed at the baby, "That's biological waste." Nick just laughed harder.

***

"Thank you Nick, for sharing your family with me tonight."

"You're welcome. You know, you can come back anytime. My dad thought you were great... which is the first step in getting past my sisters." Nick paused and looked over at his passenger, "So, was it as good as a roller coaster?"

"Riding roller coasters is about the rush, the release of anger at the injustice of it all. But this, tonight, was better. I... I envy you.

"How's that?"

"You're a part of something; something normal, but extraordinary. And you just... make it look so easy, to be involved, while I always find myself on the outside, looking in."

Nick couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. "It's funny, you know... I envy you too." When he looks over, Grissom's face shows his clear surprise. "You're so... I don't know... comfortable in your own skin. At peace with yourself in a way I have never been."

"Being at peace with yourself, Nick, is about seeing the whole picture. Reserving judgment. Not defining any one thing about yourself as good or bad, right or wrong, but seeing yourself as a whole and accepting that all the parts are what make you... you."

Nick thought about that for a minute then smiled.

"What?"

"It's just... at work, you're always saying the same thing. Don't make assumptions based on one piece of evidence. Wait until you have all the pieces before trying to solve the puzzle." Nick paused, unsure if he should continue. "Maybe... if you didn't focus so much on the big picture, you wouldn't always feel separated from the people around you."

He risked a glance over at Grissom, the man looked confused but intrigued. "With people, relationships, it's all about the small stuff, the details. It's not... there is no leap of faith. No defining moment where suddenly you trust a person implicitly with all of yourself. You just... give and take, a little bit at a time. And as you go along, the pieces get bigger, until one not so special day you find that your lives are inextricably entwined." Grissom seemed uncomfortable now; Nick was worried he had overstepped the boundaries.

"I don't know how..."

Nick couldn't help smiling at that, and at the feeling of being the teacher, rather than the student, for once. "Sure you do, you just don't see yourself doing it. Feeling connected is all about noticing the exchange. Being aware of what you're giving someone else and appreciating what they're giving you."

Grissom didn't look convinced, but they had arrived in the parking lot. Nick killed the engine and turned a little in his seat to face him. "You did it at dinner tonight; you said you had noticed a 'preponderance of monarch butterflies in the area' and my sister, Kathy, responded that she had as well, and had been taking photographs of them to send to our sister Susan in Oklahoma."

Grissom shook his head, "That was just... small talk."

"That's exactly my point, man. What you see as idle chit chat, the exchange of trivial information, that's the good stuff, the stuff that maters in the end. She accepted and appreciated the small bit of information you gave her, so she feels like she knows you better, you're no longer a faceless stranger that she hears me mention in conversation. But you, you absorbed the information she gave you, and then disregarded it. So while she feels connected, you still feel like an outsider."

Grissom nodded, "I need to think on that."

Grissom unbuckled his seat belt to get out; Nick wished he didn't have to go. "So, I guess I'll see you at work?"

"Yeah." Grissom aborted his attempt to open the door and turned in his seat to face Nick. Nick could feel the weight of that gaze; it made his heart speed up to be the focus of Grissom's attention. Grissom was looking at him like he was trying to solve a puzzle, trying to reach some important decision.

Grissom leaned forward, and for a brief panic ridden, ecstatic moment Nick thought he was going to kiss him, but he just wrapped his arms around him in an awkward, almost hug. Nick was rigid in his arms; held captive by his seat belt and his fears.

"Thanks Nicky, for... everything." Grissom didn't wait for him to respond, just climbed out of the vehicle and made his way to his own SUV.

Nick sat for a long moment, trying to pull his thoughts together before starting the car. He felt... regret. Regret that the contact had been so brief, that he hadn't responded in time. He could only hope he'd have the chance to try again.

He waited a moment longer, basking in the warm, safe feeling that still lingered in the car. Shame washed over him at his thoughts; it was wrong to like it so much. He hates himself for wanting more. He tries to recall Grissom's words, about the bigger picture, but he isn't sure he knows how to 'reserve judgment'. Was it possible to hate a part of yourself and still be happy with the whole? He's a good person isn't he? He does what he can to help others. Was it really fair that he should hate himself for something he couldn't change? He thinks back on the last time he'd been with a woman and is surprised by just how long it's been. Maybe he just hadn't tried hard enough. He needed to try again, one more time. Just to be certain.

*************

His hands were shaking so badly he could hardly dial his cell phone. He wiped at the drying tears on his cheeks while he waited for her to answer; come on, come on, answer the damn phone. Please don't let this night get any worse.

"Poole residence."

Thank god, "Teri, it's Nick."

"Hey, Nick."

"Listen, I'm real sorry to be calling so late..."

"Don't worry about it, everyone's still up; it's poker night. I tried calling you earlier; when you didn't answer I just figured you were out with Mr. Grissom."

He only wished that were the case, "I, uh, no. Umm, look Teri I, uh, I need a favor. Could you come get me?"

"Sure, yeah, okay. Is everything alright? Where are you?"

"I'm, I'm fine, it's just... my car was stolen. I'm downtown, at the corner of, uh, Maple and Ohio."

"Just stay put, Nick. I'll be there soon."

*************

When his sister's old sedan pulled up, he thought he'd never been happier to see anyone in his whole life. He got in the car quickly, "Thanks for coming Teri." The ride was silent; Nick prayed it would stay that way. He just wanted to go home; he didn't want to have to explain anything just yet. He closed his eyes and leaned back into the seat, hoping the events of the evening would just fade away the farther he got from this place.

The car came to a stop much sooner than he'd expected. "This is your house... I was kinda hoping you'd take me home."

She looked over at him concerned, "My place was closer... and I'm not sure I should leave you alone right now, you seem really shaken up."

Yeah, humiliating sexual experiences would do that to you. "It's just been a shitty night, and having my Tahoe stolen is like icing on the cake."

"Just come inside for a bit, have a drink. If you want, I can drive you home later." Nick sighed and got out of the car.

He followed Teri into the kitchen, and took the beer she handed him. He drank it as quickly as possible. He could hear the card game going on in the den. He started fidgeting, he felt disgusting; he wanted to go home and get clean, but judging by the look on Teri's face she wasn't letting him off that easy.

"Can I use your shower?"

The question was clearly not what she was expecting, "Uh, yeah, sure. You know where it is."

*************

After Nick practically ran upstairs to get away from her, she peeked her head into the den. Dave wasn't her favorite brother-in-law, but her older sister, Kathy, had been right in one respect; the man was honest to a fault. "Hey Dave, you used to be a beat cop downtown, right?"

He answered without looking up from his hand, "For eight years."

"Can you think of any reason why Nick would have been on the corner of Maple and Ohio at this time of night?"

Dave was slow to respond. "That's, uh, the red light district, mostly drug dealers and prostitutes... but I'm sure he had a good reason." Teri didn't think he sounded very sure at all.

*************

Nick stared for a long time at the reflection of himself in the mirror after his shower. He tried damn it; he'd tried and it hadn't worked. This wasn't something he could change. He had to learn to live with is, take Grissom's advice and accept it as a part of himself. One piece of a bigger picture.

When he finally felt brave enough to venture back downstairs, Nick made a beeline for the kitchen. He heard Teri come in behind him while he was rummaging through the freezer; there was usually a bottle of vodka to be found.

"So, Nick, were you working a case out there or something?"

Ah ha, there it was, under the frozen peas. He poured himself a glass and didn't turn around when he responded, "Nope."

Teri sighed, "What were you doing Nick?"

Nick drained the glass, "I'll call a cab."

"Nick, please. Talk to me. I'm not here to judge you. I'm just worried about you... if something's wrong..."

"I went there to get laid." The words came out harsher and louder than he had meant them to. It was quiet in the den; great, they must've heard him to.

Teri sounded just as disappointed as he feared when she finally spoke, "You... you were with a prostitute? Isn't that illegal?"

Nick poured himself another drink; Dutch courage and all. He raised it to his lips, "Only if money changes hands." He downed the vodka quickly, hoping the bitter pained look on his face could be mistaken for the burn of the alcohol.

He wasn't surprised when Teri's husband, Bryan, chimed in, "What kind of a prostitute gives it out for free?" He had the decency to appear chagrined when Teri gave him a dirty look.

Nick laughed, but it came out more like a sob. "Funniest thing. Apparently, whores and traffic cops have something in common; if you start crying, they let you off with a warning." Jesus, honesty was painful.

Bryan sounded appalled, "What the hell were you thinking Nick? That's the kind of thing you could get fired over."

Nick covered his anger with sarcasm, "I thought, gee, it'd be great if I could add 'had sex with a prostitute' as number two on the list of reasons I'm going to hell." He went into the living room and sat heavily on the couch, burying his face in his hands. He could tell the guys from the den were coming to listen now, heard them milling about.

Someone, it sounded like his brother-in-law Dave, said, "So what's the first reason?"

He didn't lift his head; just spoke into his hands, "I'm gay." The room got far too quiet. He had to hold his breath when he heard someone walk over and sit on the coffee table in front of him.

He was relieved when it turned out to be Teri, "What?"

His eyes were tearing up again, but he forced himself to look her in the face this time. "I said, I'm gay." She leaned forward and hugged him tightly. He let the tears come then and sobbed into her shoulder, "Tonight... I just, I had to be sure."

"You know we love you, right? No matter what." She moved to hold his face in her hands and forced him to look at her. "Thank you, for telling us."

He shook his head, fear making it harder to speak than the tears. "Please... please, just don't tell mom and dad." Teri sat back and opened her mouth to speak.

"It's a little late for that son."

"Oh god." His stomach lurched and he had to fight to keep the vodka down where it belonged. He wanted to hide; why couldn't the Earth ever open up and swallow you whole when you needed it to. His father rounded the couch and sat next to him, but he couldn't face him.

A strong hand took hold of his shoulder, preventing him from bolting. "Why wouldn't you want your mother and I to know?" His father's voice sounded rough with emotion, and he almost curled in on himself in an attempt to turn away from the man. When he made no move to answer, his father pulled him into an awkward embrace. "Jesus Nick. Did I teach you this shame?"

"I'm sorry, oh god, I'm so sorry. I tired. I tired so hard to change, to be normal. I've never done anything, never acted on it. Please don't hate me, please."

"Brian, could you call your mother." His brother nodded and started dialing.

It was several rings before anyone answered, Brian was choked up too and was stumbling though his words, "Momma, Nick... he... he has something he wants to tell you." Nick pulled his head up from his father's shoulder and shook it violently and mouthed 'no.'

His father pointedly said, "Yes, you do."

Brian put the phone on speaker. "Brian are you still there? What's going on? Has something happened to Nicky?"

Nick was still too choked up to speak. His father said, "We're all here Janet."

"Rob, have you been crying?" His father laughed, though it sounded a little hysterical. "Rob please tell me what's happening, you're scaring me."

"Mom, you know I love you, right?"

"Of course, and I love you too."

"Please don't hang up the phone."

"Nicky?"

"I...," he had to clear his throat and try again, "I'm gay." When all he heard was static on the other end of the line, he almost burst into tears again. "Please don't be angry."

"Nicky, I'm not angry," her voice was firm and steady, "I am disappointed. Disappointed that you didn't think your family loved you enough to accept you for whoever you are. Did you really think our love was conditional? Or so shallow?" There was a pregnant pause before she continued, "It sounds like you've all had enough poker for one night. Rob, why don't you bring Nicky home with you? He can stay here tonight and we can discuss this more in the morning."

*************

"Grissom."

"It's me."

"Hey you."

"Could, uh, could I bum a ride to work? My Tahoe sort of got stolen."

"Of course, you can enlighten me on how one 'sort of has their car stolen' over breakfast."

"Thanks man. And hey, I'm at my parent's house not my place. Do you remember the way?"

"Yes. I'll be by in about an hour."

*************

Grissom made his way up the now familiar walk, quickly. He was looking forward to spending some time with Nick before shift; it always put him in a better mood. The door opened almost immediately after he rang the bell. "Wow Nicky, what happened to your eyes?"

"Good morning to you too sunshine." Grissom smiled at the endearment and chose to ignore the sarcasm. "I had a rough night. The car and all." Grissom had to wonder just what 'and all' entailed. "Just let me say good bye and we can go."

He followed Nick inside and slid his shoes off before padding down the hall. Nick spoke over his shoulder while they walked, "You mind stopping by my place on the way? I could use a change of clothes."

Grissom nodded, he hadn't quite heard what Nick had said. "Good... afternoon I guess it is, Mr. and Mrs. Stokes."

"Hello Gil." They looked almost as worse for the wear as Nick.

Nick was fidgety, "Uh, Gil is gonna drive me to work." Nick's mother gave him a big hug, then sniffled and wiped at her nose. "Please don't start crying again mom."

She laughed lightly, "I'm not sure I have any tears left. We love you Nicky, you remember that, and you be careful."

On the way out of the house, Grissom couldn't help but probe a little. "I didn't know you were so attached to your car."

"I'm not."

"Did something else happen?"

Nick's laugh was strained, "Everything and nothing." Grissom didn't want to force Nick to talk to him, but it hurt to see Nick upset.

"Gandhi said, 'honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress'."

Nick's smile was weak, but it was better than nothing. "It wasn't a disagreement exactly, but there was definitely progress made."

***

Nick moved around the body to get a better shot. It should probably worry him that he could be this chipper while taking crime scene photos, but he was and he couldn't stop humming under his breath, "It's only half past twelve, but I don't care. It's five o'clock somewhere..." After clearing the air with his family, it had felt like the weight of the world was lifted off his shoulders; he didn't have to hide anymore, and to top it off, he was gonna get to spend the whole shift working with Grissom. With the heavy case load, they didn't often get to work together; Grissom was usually working solo.

"Gris, I'm about done over here." When Grissom didn't acknowledge him he tried again, "Hey Gris! I'm almost done with the pictures if you wanna get started over here."

"Are any of them suitable for framing?"

"Ha ha, I'm creating works of art of here; it's not just point and click you know."

Grissom gave him a cheeky grin, "I know. My humble apologies; you take excellent photographs, Nicky."

"Why thank you... My sister, Susan – you met her at dinner, she's a professional photographer; has always had a real passion for it. When we were kids, she was always trying to get us into it. Guess some of it stuck." Grissom paused in his collection and looked at Nick, a delighted grin creeping across his face.

"What are you so happy about? Killer leave us a signed confession?"

"Nope, didn't find anything. I was just... feeling connected." Nick returned the smile; Grissom had been making a real effort lately to pull his head out of the sand. Nick would turn him into a social butterfly yet. He chuckled to himself at the unlikely image.

They worked quietly together processing the rest of the scene. Nick had noticed that despite his attempts to come out of his shell; Grissom had been quiet a lot lately, almost spacey. He didn't tend to space out as often around Nick, but Hafiz had commented on it just the other day. Said he'd tried to give Grissom some DNA results and it was like the guy didn't even notice he was there; that he'd actually seemed spooked when Hafiz touched him to get his attention. Nick would have to remember to ask about that the next time they were alone; Grissom wouldn't appreciate him bringing up something like that while they were supposed to be working.

*************

On the trip back to the lab, Grissom finally worked up the courage to ask Nick the question that had been on his mind. "Nicky?"

Nick didn't take his eyes from the road, "Um hmm."

Grissom hoped that he wasn't reading the situation wrong. "Would you like to go out sometime?"

"Aren't we going out on Friday? Oooh, there's this new Thai place that opened near work, we could go there for break. It's non-smoking, the whole restaurant. That's the new thing now, is making places smoke free. Fine by me; having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool." Grissom's grin deepened; he found Nick's rambling charming.

He put his hand on Nick's arm to regain his attention. "I meant on a date."

The car jerked unexpectedly to the left before Nick relaxed his grip and got them back in their lane. Nick started laughing happily, easing the tension in Grissom's chest. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd really like that."

*************

Nick fidgeted awkwardly in his seat the entire trip home from the restaurant. They'd had a good time, nothing out of the ordinary there; they went out to dinner all the time. But this wasn't ordinary, this was their first date, his first real date with a man.

Dating was like friends with perks; the friends part was old hat, but the perks... that had his palms sweating. In stark contrast to Nick's nervousness, Grissom had been relaxed and happy all night. The differences in the other man's behavior were subtle, but the more frequent touches had only ratcheted Nick's nerves up more and tied his stomach in knots.

He wanted... so much, but he wasn't sure of the proper etiquette for things like this. He was used to going on first dates with women, where he could always safely assume that he wouldn't have to give anything more than a good night kiss, and if more was expected he could just play the 'I'm an old fashioned guy' card. He had never had to worry before about how to proposition someone; would it be wrong to try and jump him in the car like a horny teenager? Probably. He should at least go inside; they were at his house after all, plenty of more comfortable places. "Would you like to come in... for coffee or something?"

"Sure. Do you have any of that hazelnut kind left?" Nick nodded, climbing out of the vehicle. He hoped Grissom was just playing dumb, the man didn't really think he wanted coffee did he?

Nick's hands fumbled with the key, he just needed to get them inside; he'd been dying to touch Grissom all night, but he hadn't felt comfortable acting on it in public. Grissom obviously didn't feel the same urgency; he was just smiling and patiently waiting for Nick to figure out which key opened his own door.

Nick finally got the door open and made short work of sliding off his shoes while he waited for Grissom to follow him inside. He didn't wait for Gil to take his own shoes off, just put his hands on the other man's shoulders and guided him backwards until he hit the door. He brushed his lips against Gil's slowly, giving the other man a chance to stop him. He backed up just enough to look in his eyes and make sure this was okay before repeating the motion.

When he felt Gil's arms surround him, he relaxed into the kiss, rubbing lightly over the surprisingly soft lips. He moved one hand up from Gil's shoulder to tangle in his hair, and slid his tongue out the slightest bit to run over the full lower lip that had been distracting him all night.

The first wet slide of Gil's warm tongue over his own was electric, making him groan into the kiss and tighten his hand in Gil's hair. Gil took the initiative then, gripping Nick's neck firmly and deepening the kiss. Gil made a small flicking motion with his tongue over the roof of Nick's mouth and he couldn't prevent a whine from escaping. It tickled, not just in his mouth, but all down his spine; he wanted to pull away from it, but wanted even more for Gil to do it again.

Gil slid his hand down to Nick's lower back and pulled him in closer, and god, friction was the best thing ever; he couldn't help rubbing himself against Gil's hip. He needed to slow down, he knew, to quit humping Gil's leg like a dog, but he couldn't seem to make himself stop.

He broke the kiss for air and Gil immediately started laughing. Well, that was one way to put out a fire. He backed off flustered, not sure what he'd done wrong. Gil tried to grab ineffectively at Nick to keep him from backing away. He shook his head and tried to explain, "Pin me against a wall, and lay one on me like you mean it," then started chuckling again.

"I just did!" He stood there waiting for Grissom to explain, hoping this wasn't one of those times when he was expected to figure it out for himself.

Grissom walked towards him, making Nick shuffle backwards, and steering him to the couch, "Something a woman said to me once." He was looking at Nick with a leering smile that made his stomach go all fluttery again. "Only now I understand what she meant."
Nick sat down stiffly on the couch, he'd pretty much used up all his bravery at the door the next move was going to have to be Grissom's. Gil sat next to him and put a hand on the back of his neck, stroking lightly with his thumb. "You're awfully tense Nicky. We don't have to rush into anything; we can take this at whatever pace you want."

Nick sucked in a breath and rubbed his sweating hands on his thighs. "It's just... I've wanted this for so long, but I've never..." He waved his hand between them, hoping he wouldn't have to explain.

Grissom pulled back a little and really looked at him, "How is it, that just when I think I've got you figured out, you manage to surprise me?"

Nick shrugged and laughed nervously, but continued studying the carpet. Grissom put a hand on his cheek and turned his face up toward him, "There are no rules here Nicky; no right or wrong."

"Just because you're not doing something wrong doesn't mean you aren't doing it badly."

"Nicky. If that kiss ranked as 'bad' on your scale, I'm not sure I'd make it through a 'good' kiss without embarrassing myself." Nick flushed at the compliment and reached for Grissom, trying to pick up where they left off.

Gil chuckled against Nick's mouth and stopped his wandering hands, "I'm flattered by your eagerness Nicky, but why don't we take this somewhere more comfortable?" Nick just nodded his head and stood to lead Gil to the bedroom.

*************

Gil pushed his thigh in between Nick's and he choked out, "Gil, oh god," and bucked desperately against it before his brain kicked in and reminded him that coming in his pants was not the goal. He pushed his hand in between them to try and dislodge Gil's leg. His hand brushed inadvertently over Gil's erection, causing a sharp intake of breath. Nick gripped him more firmly through his slacks, and Grissom to let out a strained, "Nicky." He wanted to hear that broken sound again, wanted to see the evidence of Gil's arousal, to know that it wasn't just him falling apart.

Nick pushed Gil back just enough so he could slide down the wall to his knees. He can't help the way his hands are shaking when he unfastens Gil's pants. A big warm palm brushes over the back of his head and he knows Gil is watching his every move. He wonders if he will try to stop him, but is too shy to look up at his face to see the answer.

He knows as he's tugging Gil's pants and shorts down that he's going too fast, skipping over the stuff that will make this good. He is distracted from his attempt at getting them all the way down when he finds Gil's firm cock in his face. He touches the shaft with light fingers, awe stuck, "I did that."

He's never seen another man naked this close before and is too impatient right now to appreciate the view. He tries to lick his lips, but his mouth feels dry and his throat is tight. He wraps his hand around the base and takes the head into his mouth, but it's not wet enough. The taste of stale urine brings it home, makes it real, almost too real and he has a brief moment of panic where it hits him that he has Gil Grissom's dick in his mouth; he pulls back and tries to get more saliva before trying again.

The hand on his head prevents him from moving forward, while Gil reaches down to pull back his foreskin. Nick feels his cheeks heat up at his own ignorance; he should have known to do that. Gil must be aware he has no clue what he's doing, but he doesn't want to stop. With the blush still on his face, he sucks it back in. There's no finesse to it, just a desperate need to bring Gil off, to know that he can please him. He hopes he doesn't look as inexperienced as he feels right now. He tries to move his tongue more and hollow his cheeks, but he can't seem to make his mouth do what he wants.

Nick remembers getting head before; the back of the girl's head bobbing up and down, but he can't seem to mimic the movement. He feels clumsy and stupid when he can't make it happen without moving his whole body. He slides his hands up the back of Gil's thighs to try and get some leverage, is startled when Gil grips his head more firmly and thrusts forward the slightest bit. Nick pulls at his thighs, encouraging him to do it again and is relieved when Gil takes control; wants him to do whatever it takes to make this good.

Nick closes his eyes and breaths roughly through his nose; the wet slurping noises sound loud to his ears, and he's having a hard time keeping his lips over his teeth. Gil keeps stroking his scalp and the side of his face, while his own hands can only clutch restlessly against the bunching muscles in Gil's legs.

Gil keeps pushing in and out, and it can't have been that long, but it feels like forever and Nick is getting anxious; he wants Gil to come. He turns his head to the side, to see if he can take in more and Gil slides in deeper, pushing against the back of his throat. When he starts to gag, Gil pulls out and he makes an embarrassingly desperate, needy noise.

His mouth feels stretched open and hollow, empty without Gil inside him. He misses the fullness and struggles against Gil's grip on his head to try and get it back. He's irrationally happy, almost giddy, when Gil grabs the base of his cock and guides it back into his mouth. He relaxes into it when Gil resumes the steady rhythm, almost purring with contentment when the taste of pre-come floods his mouth.

It isn't much longer before Gil swells in his mouth; he gets a heady rush of power knowing he will come soon, wants to taste him, and tries to suck harder, wants it to be now. "Nicky," Gil's voice is raw and holds a hint of warning that Nick ignores. His own cock aches in response when Gil pushes deep a handful of times before his rhythm becomes erratic. When Gil starts pulsing into his mouth, Nick has to pull off, barely swallowing, and rub the heel of his hand frantically against his own groin. He feels it coiling at the base of his spine and sobs desperately into Gil's hip when the orgasm takes over, leaving him shaky and panting. His eyes tear up without his permission; the emotional relief unbelievable.

He stares blankly at Gil's spent cock for several long moments before finally managing to look up, sees that the hand that isn't twisted in his hair is keeping Gil upright, supporting him against the wall. Nick only then realizes they're still in the hall; they hadn't made it to the bedroom. He gets a goofy grin on his face when it hits him -- he just gave Gil a blowjob. Gil gives him an easy relaxed smile back, pulling him up with considerable effort, and giving him lazy open-mouthed kisses.

He isn't sure what happens now, but Gil doesn't allow time for his insecurity to surface; just grasps his hand and leads him down the hall to the bedroom. If Nick's brain were operating properly, seeing Gil shuffle down the hall with his pants around his ankles would be funny. As it is, Nick just stands there in a daze, feeling all the blood return to his legs, while Gil undresses them. Gil pulls down the sheets, then smiles and holds his hand out. Nick takes it, returning the smile, and crawling into bed.
Nick is a little startled at the feel of Gil settling naked against his back, the coarse hairs of his groin tickling his lower back and ass. He pushes into the feeling and Grissom chuckles, wrapping his arms around his waist tighter. Nick knows it's too soon, but his dick twitches anyway at the thought of things to come. Gil murmurs in his ear, "There's no hurry," and Nick smiles a little to himself as he drifts off to sleep.

***

We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated heart
'till someone really finds us out.

From Robert Frost's "Revelation"

*************

"Grissom."

"Hey bugman. Can you pick up dinner on your way home?"

"Sure Nicky... maybe you'd better send me a page at the end of shift... just in case."

"Will do. Love you." Nick has made a habit of not hanging up immediately after he says it, because hearing Gil struggle to try and get the words out, but never succeeding, is almost as good as if he'd said them, right? Gil never hangs up either; he always waits for Nick to do it. It's almost turned into a game, perhaps with time Nick might even start to find it amusing, this awkward silence where he feels Gil admitting he can't say it, and the palpable relief in the dead air when Nick starts to hang up without forcing the issue.

*************

Gil has taken to coming along with Nick to the family gatherings whenever work allows it, though he tends to spend most of the evening being a wallflower or sneaking off to the study with his father. Nick never really announced that they were dating, but everyone seemed to hop on the clue bus pretty fast. At first things were tense and some people, his brother-in-law Joe in particular, avoided both he and Gil, but, as they say, time heals all, and there is less tension in the air about it.

Tonight, however, Joe had drunk one too many beers and was in the den usurping the dreamcast and being all around obnoxious. Everything was 'gay' this and 'gay' that. The golf game they were playing was gay, eating vegetarian lasagna for dinner was gay, Nick's shirt was a gay color, which had been Nick's cue to leave the room before he did something he'd regret, especially since he didn't have the excuse of alcohol. So now he was hanging out alone in the kitchen, pondering getting drunk himself so he could say what was on his mind and still be forgiven later.

He was only two beers into his devious and childish little plan when Teri interrupted him.

"There you are."

"I've been hiding in plain site all night Teri."

"I don't know how I could have missed you in that hideous shirt. Does Gil really let you out of the house looking like that?"

"Hey! It's not that ugly is it?"

"I'm afraid so."

"So did you hunt me down just to knock my fashion sense?"

"Not exactly."

"I don't like that sound of that."

"Kathy made me promise to pump you for details."

"Un huh... what kind of details are we talkin' here?"

"We're taking bets on which one of you gets to be on top... So?"

"Teri!... Neither."

"Huh? How can you be neither, do you take turns or something?"

"I cannot believe you're asking me this."

"Sure you can, spill."

"We don't really do that."

"What do you mean you don't do that? I thought anal sex was half the fun of being gay."

"Would you keep your voice down!" Teri leaned against the counter, but didn't relent, so Nick changed tactics. "Have you and Brian ever... ?"

Teri flushed but her eyes still met his, "Yeah we have."

"Did uh, did it hurt?"

"Haven't you talked to Gil about this?"

Nick shakes his head no, "He's brought it up, and... I did it to him once, but... it was kind of awkward. He doesn't really enjoying bottoming; he seemed uncomfortable and I was, uh... a little trigger happy. He seemed so relieved when it was over that we haven't really tried it again. I've thought about broaching the subject, but I'd hate for him to be disappointed if I don't like it either."

"TMI Nick... but seriously, I'm not sure you could disappoint him; the guy's head over heels for you."

Nick shrugged noncommittally back.

"You've got to be kidding me. You don't think he loves you?"

Nick sighs, "I know he cares... but it's... he doesn't say it."

"Nick... anyone can say the words, but it's something special when you find someone that really means it and can tell you without using them."

*************

After his 'chat' with Teri, Nick ventured into the living room to watch football with his brother. He got up during the commercial break to fetch more beer when he noticed Gil standing with his back to the room, apparently staring at the clock on the wall. At first Nick assumed he was just bored, figured it was about time for them to head home, but maybe he could talk him into watching the game and they could head out afterwards.

Nick made his way closer, but stopped when Gil pressed his fingers just under his left ear. He remained still, observing, now that he finally had some evidence to work with.

He spoke quietly, "Hey Gris, you wanna watch the game?" He wasn't even remotely surprised when Gil didn't acknowledge the question.

"Quit starting at his ass Nick and get back over here, the game's starting." He waved Brain off distractedly and didn't moved, thankfully it seemed that Gil hadn't heard that either. He regretted drawing attention to the situation, but he didn't think he'd have another opportunity like this for some time and he wasn't going to let it slip away. He wasn't sure exactly what he was watching for, but he knew he'd recognize it when he saw it.

After close to a minute, Gil visibly relaxed and dropped his hand. Nick moved forward carefully and slapped loudly behind Gil's head, making the other man jump and twirl around. The surprise faded quickly, replaced briefly by worry before Gil's face settled into an expressionless mask.

"Sorry, I guess I'm more tired than I thought."

Nick narrowed his eyes, "You're just gonna stand there and lie to my face?"

"I wasn't lying about being tired Nick... I was merely obfuscating the truth," his voice carefully neutral.

"I already know what's going on, so just admit it." Nick crossed his arms and placed himself directly in front of Gil, we wasn't moving until the man admitted he was losing his hearing and quit making lame excuses to cover it up.

"We are not having this conversation right now."

Gil's eyes darkened dangerously; Nick knew the man hated being cornered like this and had seen him lash out at others when he felt threatened, but it was worth it if he got Gil to tell him what was going on. "Yes, we are, and I'm not moving until you quit acting like an ass."

"Don't be such a drama queen."

Nick knew as soon as he started to swing that the words had been carefully chosen to piss him off, but it didn't prevent his fist from colliding with the wall beside Gil in blind rage. The look of fury on Gil's face barely concealed the righteous indignation and Nick didn't trust himself to speak while Gil moved carefully from between him and the wall, then walked quickly to the door and left the house without saying a word.



Nick cradled his hand against his body, and ducked his head; his family was giving him wary glances, "Sorry."

"Is everything going to be alright Nick? He seemed really upset after you hit the wall."

"He has a thing... about spousal abuse."

"He's not really afraid you'll hit him is he?"

"No. No... he could forgive me for hitting him. I think he's more afraid that he'd hit me, and never be able to forgive himself. He tried to explain it once... we fear in others what we see in ourselves."

*************

"Thanks for letting me stay here tonight Teri." Nick was afraid to have her drop him of at his house, because it has rapidly become their house, and he isn't ready to face Gil yet.

"No problem."

"Why didn't you warn me that men were so... stupid."

Teri starts laughing, "Nick you don't mean that, and you know Gil isn't stupid."

"You're not gonna take his side are you?"

"He's a good guy Nick, and he's been good for you. I just don't want to see you throw that away over one fight."

"Me! I'm not the one throwing anything away... he lied right to my face!"

"Do you know why?"

"What the hell does it mater why?!"

"Would you calm down and listen to yourself. It's not like you're a saint Nick. I'm just trying to tell you that fights are normal, they happen in every relationship. My god, don't you remember last Thanksgiving when Bryan and I got in a huge screaming match and he ended up sleeping on the floor at Kathy and Dave's for three days? This isn't the last fight you'll get in to, probably won't be the worst either. You just have to ask yourself how important it is, is it worth giving him up over?"

"Well no, of course not. I just want him to be able to trust me with things like this. This is about his health, it's not some minor issue."

"Maybe that's exactly why he was afraid to tell you about it."

Nick slumped in his chair, deflated.

"Hey, how 'bout I make some coffee?"

"Yeah, that would be great."

*************

Gil had driven around Dallas for almost two hours before necessity had forced him to stop for gas. He leaned against the car as it filled, not sure where to go next. He had driven to his townhouse, but never got out of the car. It wasn't his home anymore, just a place to keep the things that hadn't found their way to Nick's house. He had gone there too, but hadn't ventured to stop much less go in; he wasn't sure how welcome he would be there right now. The thought made his chest tighten painfully, he wasn't sure what he would do if he was never welcome there again.

He felt guilty about leaving Nick without a car, but knowing Nick, he would talk Teri into taking him wherever he wanted to go. Logic told him where that would be; maybe he could spend the next two hours circling Teri's block.

As it turned out, he only drove past the house three times before forcing himself to pull into the drive. Getting out of the car was quite another mater. He was still angry with himself for letting the argument get out of hand, for letting it deteriorate into name calling so quickly. He sat staring at the lights from the house, at least someone was awake. He isn't sure now why he came here, he still has no idea what to say to Nick.

He realizes with a start that this is why he always fails at love, because the evidence can tell him many things, but not the why, and in relationships the why is vital. He knows that in order for this to work they will have to talk. The thought scares him more than he wants to admit. How is he supposed to explain something to Nick that he doesn't understand himself?

Well one thing was certain, he couldn't sit in the driveway all night. He got out, determined, and went to knock on the door.

He was surprised when Nick, instead of Teri, answered. They stood there staring at each other and not speaking, Gil was suddenly at a loss. He shuffled, uncomfortable, "Can we not have this discussion on your sister's doorstep?"

"If you weren't ready to finish this, why'd you bother coming here?"

"I came to bring you home."

Nick started to swing the door shut, and Gil threw his weight against it, preventing it from closing. "Please Nicky; tell me what to do to make this right."

"Being honest would be a good start."

"I'm bad at this Nicky, you have to help me. I don't even understand why what I did was wrong!"

Nick's nostrils flared and he clenched his jaw, "You don't consider lying to me wrong?"

Gil waved his hand with a mix of frustration and desperation. "This could already cost me my job. I can't lose you too Nicky, I can't."

Nick pulled him into a hug and pressed their foreheads together, "You're not gonna lose me sweetheart." The relief made his hands shake and he clutched Nick closer, needing to believe it was true, that they would be okay. "Why couldn't you just tell me you were losing your hearing?"

He shook his head, "I wasn't being rational. I just thought... if I waited long enough, it would go away."

"Gil..."

"I know. I know, it was stupid."

"Have you been to the doctor?"

"Yeah, a while ago, but... it's been getting worse. I... I'm going to have to go back."

"We can go together. You don't have to go through this alone Gil." Nick held him closer, kissed his neck, before speaking quietly, "When I figured it out I... I started learning ASL."

He pulled Nick back so he could look at his face. "Really? You want to learn?"

"Yeah, I do. Damn it Gil, I love you."

Gil pressed a quick kiss into his lips and signed "I love you" into his chest.

"Did you just say what I think you just said?"

Gil ducked his head, bashful about it, but Nick pulled his face up for a real kiss.

When Nick released his mouth Gil's knees felt wobbly, "We should go."

Nick nodded and turned around to go further into house, "I'll just go tell Teri..."

Gil grabbed his hips and pressed up against his back, "We should go now."

"Oh? Oh... Bye Teri, thanks!"

Gil barely heard Teri's reply from down the hall as the door was shutting, "You'd better take notes, I expect details."

*************

Nick can't stop smirking; Gil is absolutely adorable when he gets that determined, focused expression on his face; nothing can distract him from completing the task he has his mind set on. The look is especially appealing when Nick is focal point of that unwavering attention.

When Gil finally has them both naked and Nick arranged on the bed just where he wants him, he sits back to view his handy work, his face lit with happiness. Seeing the love in Gil's eyes prompts him to make a decision, if Gil can admit his fear, then so can Nick. "Since we're being so honest tonight... there's, uh, something I've been meaning to say..."

Gil's expression becomes more guarded and Nick hurries to reassure him. "It's not a bad thing... I just," he shifts, really feeling his nakedness now, "I'd like to try, um, you know."

Gil raises an eyebrow but remains impassive, "I'm an open minded individual Nick, you can suggest anything you feel like, though I can't guarantee I'll go along with it, but I'm not going to make any assumptions, you have to tell me exactly what you have in mind."

Nick let out a nervous laugh, "God Gil, I'm not trying to talk you into bondage or anything..." The other man's eyes twinkled and Nick knew that topic was going to come up over breakfast someday soon. One thing at a time there buddy. "I, um, I want you in me."

"Really? You mean tonight, right now?" Nick's hesitation melted the slightest bit with Gil's eagerness. He shook his head yes and Gil was rummaging for the lube in the bedside drawer before he even stopped nodding.

Gil tossed the retrieved lube on the bed next to him and grabbed some pillows, "Lift your hips." Nick did as he was instructed, a little surprised by Gil's excitement. The nagging fear of disappointing him was putting a damper on Nick's own enthusiasm.

When Gil popped the cap on the lube, Nick held his breath and watched with no small amount of horror as his erection wilted. He reached down and started jerking himself roughly, this could not be happening right now. Gil stilled his hand and settled lightly on top of him, kissing the sides of his face. "I'm scared... what if I don't like it?"

"I think you will."

"But what if I don't? You don't like it."

"Freud said that the only unusual sexual behavior was not to have any at all. After that, it was only a matter of opportunity and preference."

"I can't believe you're quoting Freud of all people in bed... You, you promise you won't be disappointed?"

"Hey... Nicky. You're allowed to say 'no', I won't ever get upset with you for it."

Nick nodded, and Gil rubbed his sides reassuringly. "Do you still want to try?"

"Uh huh." Gil kissed him lightly before scooting back and reaching for the lube.

He squeezed the bottle a little too hard and it ran over his fingers, dripping onto the sheets. Nick snorted at him, "You're sleeping in that."

Gil smiled and moved to kiss him on the jaw while he worked his hand in between his legs. Nick sighed and spread them further apart, giving him better access. He always liked having Gil finger him when he was getting head, and he relaxed into it now, his breath hitching when Gil started circling his hole more firmly.

He started running his hands over Gil's back when that finger managed to ease in. He loved this part and Gil knew it, he kept working his finger back and forth just up to the first knuckle until Nick shifted his hips to force it in further. He could feel Gil smiling against his neck, but ignored him in favor of concentrating on the slick digit making shallow strokes in his ass.

When Gil worked two fingers in and started scissoring them, Nick's cock started taking renewed interest. Gil leaned back to watch, leaving Nick bereft of kisses, but giving him a much better angle to work his fingers in and out.

"You're awfully quiet Nicky."

Nick let out a breathy laugh that ended in a groan when Gil brushed over his prostate, "I'm trying to breathe."

This was far as they had ever gone before, and while he felt plenty stretched, he wasn't sure if he was quite ready to end this tease and get on with the main event.

He tensed a little when Gil started pressing another finger against his hole, "Three? Three's a lot, do you really need to put in three?"

He didn't have to open his eyes to know that Gil was smiling; he could hear it in his voice, "It will make it easier."

The stretch and slow burn when all three fingers slid in together made Nick gasp and clutch at the sheets. "Jesus, Gil. Wipe that smirk off your face... and don't even think about touching my prostate." Just the thought was putting him on edge, and he had to reach down and squeeze the base of his cock firmly to hold off.

Gil worked the three fingers in him, twisting, pumping them slowly in and out, until Nick was squirming, shifting his hips restlessly trying to get more.

"Ready?'

Nick nodded, and let out a groan when Gil slipped his fingers out. Nick is watching Gil with rapt attention now, in awe of his control, and never more grateful for it when he pushes in excruciatingly slowly then stops, giving Nick time to adjust. The tremors in his arms and the sweat beginning to form are the only indication of how difficult it is for him to hold still. "Ugh. I understand now... why you got that funny look... on your face... when I fucked you."

Gil, distracted and taking measured breaths, "I made a funny look?"

"Yeah... like somebody had just ... shoved something up your ass."

Gil laughed tightly, the tension bleeding into his expression now. He backs out slowly, takes a deep breath, and then pushes back in, forcing the air out of Nick's lungs on a drawn out moan.

Gil clenches his jaw, and repeats the slide back out, "Like that?"

"Oh fuck... don't stop moving." When Nick tries to shift and speed the movement up, Gil grabs his hip firmly, making Nick whine, but he tries to hold still.

"Am I allowed to touch your prostate yet?"

Nick blinks rapidly, "You can?" Gil gives him a sharp grin, full of teeth, and Nick has to briefly wonder if the disbelieving, challenging tone in his voice had been a good idea.

Gil keeps the same slow pace, rocking in and out, but he keeps changing the angle every time he pushes forward. Nick tries not to whimper at the unhurried pace, and can't help goading Gil a little further, "I'm surprised you're not... taking notes... on the results... of your little experiment."

Gil is breathing harder now, really fighting for control, his voice is strained when he responds, "Who says... I'm not?"

It only takes a few more strokes before Gil is tantalizingly close to grazing his prostate; his mouth falls open and he grabs a fistful of sheets, in anticipation.

His voice comes out embarrassingly high pitched on the next thrust, "Oh god, Gil... do it again." Gil's expression is smug and his grip on Nick's hip becomes painfully tight, trying to keep Nick still when he starts all over again, keeping the same angle but testing depth.

Nick grits his teeth, "Fuck! Gil... please!"

But then he gets it perfect and Nick has to slam his head back into the pillows, the tendons in his neck standing out, and making desperate little sounds. He starts keening in earnest when Gil speed ups, "Yes, oh, yes."

"Nicky, not gonna last... jerk yourself off."

Nick's head lolls to the side so he can watch Gil watching him while he strokes his cock franticly. Gil's thrusts become rougher and every sharp stab at his prostate makes his ass ache and his vision white out just a little more. Gil's face twists in a grimace and he lets out a strangled grunt, jerking erratically before coming to a stop with a violent shudder. Nick can feel the tingling in his spine, his balls drawing up tight, but when he comes, all he can focus on is the way his ass keeps spasming around the solidity of Gil's cock.

When awareness of his surroundings returns, he can feel Gil snuggled up behind him pressing kisses into his sweaty neck. His ass feels funny and there's semen drying on his abdomen, but he isn't ready to move out of Gil's embrace to clean up.

"So... it was good?"

Nick was glad Gil couldn't see the huge grin spread across his face, the man's ego did not need any stroking. He rolled in Gil's arms to face him, "Yeah."

Gil was relaxed and in a teasing mood, "So will there be opportunities for further investigation?"

"I'd think less of you as a scientist if you didn't insist on researching the subject thoroughly."

Nick wanted to taste that smile, revel in it; he kissed the corners of Gil's mouth, the wrinkles near his eyes, and licked at the seam of his lips before snuggling closer.

***

Nick had been manic all week, cleaning the house and fixing things up; he knew it was only a poker game, but it was the first family event ever held at his house and he wanted it to turn out well. Gil had been excited about it too, he enjoyed poker, but as of yet had not been invited to come to any of the games; he had said he was looking forward to brushing up on his skills. Nick knew better, but didn't call him on it. Gil was already in the other room setting up the game, while he helped Teri and his mother get food ready.

"That's an amazing collection of butterflies in the living room Nicky, when did you get it?"

"Uh, it's not mine. It's Gil's."

"Oh. Does he... live here now?"

Nick is a little evasive with his mother, "It didn't seem practical to maintain two residences." She looks like she wants to say something else, but just nods. Nick is a little perturbed when she walks out of the kitchen and makes a beeline for his father in the living room. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, he's not going to jump to any conclusions.

When both his parents look in his direction then resume their discussion, he starts having a hard time sticking to that plan. They've been so good about everything so far, he's really hoping they aren't going to freak out about he and Gil being a more permanent fixture. He should have told them, but... it just never seemed like the right time.

"Nick may we speak with you for a moment?" Nick has to remind himself to breathe, he wipes his hands slowly and walks cautiously into the living room. When his father claps him on the shoulder but doesn't speak, he isn't reassured. His mother looks pointedly at her husband then walks off to the kitchen. Nick watches her go enviously.

"Mr. Grissom, Gil, he seems like a very nice man." Nick nods but is pretty sure that isn't what his mother wanted them to talk about.

"Son, I know we've had different points of view on things in the past. And I was... disappointed when you left the Dallas police force," Nick's stomach drops, "but... I can see now that you weren't happy there, and I want you to be happy Nick. And this thing with Gil, well... it isn't what I would have chosen for you, but... I want you to know that I'm proud of you, of the man you've become."

Nick cleared his throat, he was not going to cry. He hugged his father quickly, slapping him on the back, "Thanks Dad, that.. it really means a lot to me."

*************

Gil sat at the poker table waiting for the others to get settled in, he had his game face on; it wouldn't do to start circling like a shark and scare them off too soon. It was a shame Nick wouldn't be playing with them, he would have enjoyed the opportunity to study Nick's tells.

Nick's father was the last to take his seat, "Welcome to the family Gil."

To say he was surprised would be a vast understatement, "Huh?" Rob had just effectively thrown him off balance, perhaps this would be a more challenging game than he had hoped.

Rob didn't look at him, just arranged his chips, "I hope you realized that when you got Nick, you got all of us. It's a package deal, take it or leave it."

Gil nodded decisively, as if it had been a real question. "I'll take it."

Brain glanced between Gil and his father, "Does it bother you, having to hide your relationship at work and everything?"

"No."

"It doesn't? I just can't wrap my mind around that. I mean... I like holding my wife's hand in Wal-Mart, kissing her in frozen foods just because the mood strikes me, I can't imagine trying to hold that in." Brian shook his head, "If you really love him, don't you want the whole world to know?"

Grissom smiled patiently, "To Nick, his family is the whole world... and to me, the whole world is Nick. So no, it doesn't bother me. The whole world already knows."

***

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