Title: Not real anymore
By: Celebcristien
Pairing: Nick/Warrick
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine. If they were... well, let's say a girl can dream, can't she? The song 'I Am An Illusion' isn't mine either – it belong to Rob Thomas and can be heard on his record 'Something to Be'.
Warning: Eventual Character Death – Those of you who want a happy end – DON'T read the epilogue. Author's Notes: English is not my first language – German is. All mistakes are mine – my beta did her best. This is my first CSI-fic (as in the original CSI).
Author's Notes, take two: The eerie silence in part two will make sense after the third part. Promise.
Dedicated to: My best friend Ben who died in a car accident last April. My 'sisters' Veronika and Michaela. Family is chosen, girls.
Summary: Warrick saved Nick from suicide, didn't he? My take on the events post 'Grave Danger' with a twist!

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Part I – Nick

- Take this confusion running through my head
take back my unkind words
lay that weight on me instead
I'm in the place where everything turns sour
Where are you going to run to now? –

It would be so easy to just give up. Swallow the pills, wash them away with that bottle of Vodka... one step and everything would be over. It would be so much easier... for all of them.

I'm so confused right now... how can I know that they even found me? How can I know that this isn't another one of those illusions... how can I know I'm not one of them?

Even if this is real... It would be so much easier for them.

Every time they try to be funny, try to cheer me up one word or another will eventually freak me out. Each time that happens Catherine looks at me like I've disappointed her somehow, like I'm made of glass, ready to break...

And Sara... her eyes show the same disgust I'm feeling for myself... and to be honest, I can understand her.

It would be so much easier.

Grissom... each time I snap and break down - each time he looks at me with pity in his eyes – I know he regrets hiring someone as weak and pathetic as me.

I tried to have fun with them, tried to find my place inside the team again... but everything I touch turns sour.

It really would be easier.

Only Warrick seems to know how to handle my moods. He's the only one who openly confronts me when I act as though I'm loosing my mind... if I haven't already that is.

It really would be easier for all of them.


- 'I'm not real anymore, I am an illusion,
I'm not real anymore, I am an illusion' –

My time 'down under' – as Greg once called it – has changed me. I know that but although I want to be me, even though I know that they want the 'old' Nick Stokes back I can't find a way to change the fact I can't walk around my own home without freaking out at the slightest noise.

I can't change the fact I can't find the same solace and freedom in my work that I used to find before... well before. The glass walls of the lab freak me out.

I'm tired of always wincing when someone comes up from behind, when someone other than Warrick touches me – I still can't figure out why his gentle but firm touch comforts me instead of freaking me out... probably it's because we were friends before... but Catherine was is friend too and I can't stand her touch. Maybe deep down the way her fingers ghost over my skin reminds me of those ants...

It would be so much easier for them.

I'm tired of the nightmares that steal my sleep, tired of how one single word or sound can bring back all the memories, tired of the pitying looks thrown my way when my heart starts to race and my body starts to shake when I see an ant or any other insect somewhere near me.

I'm just tired of it all... and I know a way to end it all.


- 'I am the damage, I am the relief
sometimes I'm people I never hoped that I would be
If I take in whatever they turn out
man, what's that gonna make me now?

Wrong step, we got off track
we need someone to help us get back now
worn thin, awful state I was in
I believe I was loosing me
now I'm found – Am I found?' –

( quote from another author, don't know wich one. I think you know who you are. I read it and it stuck.)

Part II – Warrick

The shrill sound of his ringing cell phone woke Warrick from his pleasant dreams. An empty cabin somewhere in the mountains, a blazing fire in the fireplace, a free weekend and a sweaty Nick were it's most pleasant features.

Nicky... Warrick had fallen in love with the Texan at first sight. He tried not to let his feelings show, tried to keep some sort of control whenever the younger man was around. Until now he had succeeded but since almost loosing him in that premature grave it had become increasingly difficult.

"What the..." he groaned, fumbling around for his phone. Squinting at the caller ID he frowned. Catherine.

"Yeah?" he asked sleepily.

"Oh, sorry. Did I wake you?" Catherine sounded tense, yet apologetic.

"Yeah, just went to sleep a couple hours ago." he answered. "Don't worry. What's up?"

"I can't reach Nicky, 'Rick." she sighed. "I tried his landline, his cell phone... even his pager. He doesn't answer."

"He's probably just asleep, Cath." he tried to reason. "Or he's gone running." He couldn't think of any other scenario. Just couldn't. Nick wouldn't hurt himself. He had a lot of issues, especially after being buried alive, but he wouldn't.

"I don't know, 'Rick. I've got a bad feeling." she added. "Could you drive over and check on him? I would go myself but I'm buried up to my knees in evidence. Literally." she deadpanned.

Warrick yawned. "Sure, if that makes you feel better." Inside he did a little dance, happy for an excuse to see his best friend. Tina's moods had become increasingly hard to bear and he was glad to be away from her. 'Maybe we should get a divorce.' he thought.

"Thanks. I owe you."

"Don't think I won't collect."

He grinned.

Ten minutes later Warrick pulled off the street into Nick's driveway. The drive had been eerily uneventful, he hadn't even seen one human being on the entire way – on a usually very busy street.

He got out of the car, startled at the silence that surrounded him. He couldn't hear a thing, not a single sound of an engine or the chirping of a bird.

'Welcome to the Twilight Zone' he thought wryly.

He walked over to Nick's front door, knocking as he reached it. No answer. He tried the handle and the door swung open. Now that was odd. Nick never left his door unlocked. Not since Crane.

"Nick?"

Warrick went into the house, contemplating drawing his gun. He did, walking further through the wide hallways.

"Nicky! Where are you?" he called again.

He came into the living room and stopped dead in his tracks. Nick sat on the couch, only visible in profile. The couch and desk stood diagonally to the doorway and Warrick's eyes fell on the vast array of bottles and orange pill boxes. He gasped, the gun falling from his limp fingers.

The sound finally got Nick to react. He turned slowly, almost against his will. His eyes were dark and haunted, tears glistening on his face.

"Warrick? What are you doing here?" His voice was rough, scratchy. "Go away." Nick knew he sounded like a petulant child but he didn't care. Not anymore.

"No!"

Nick slowly stood at Warrick's outburst. He walked around the couch, arms limply at his sides. "There's nothing you can do, anyways. Nobody can do anything." he spoke softly, devoid of any emotion except tiredness. He came to a halt in front of Warrick, his gaze sad, tired.

"Don't say that." Warrick pleaded. "We'll make it through, you and me together."

He reached out to grasp Nick's shoulder, the younger man showed no reaction.

"Together..." he mused. "Why'd you want anything to do with me? I'm weak, pathetic. You're better off without me."

Warrick shook his head, dumbfounded. His mind raced, thoughts passed to quickly to be grasped.

"Why I'd want you around, you ask? How about because I love you, idiot?" Warrick's voice had risen to a scream. "I loved you since I first saw you, back at the lab." he added in a whisper.

New tears had begun to stream down the younger man's face, he trembled. "Nobody loves me." he whispered, more out of reflex than of real conviction. New hope had begun to grow in his heart.

"I do." Warrick reached out and pulled Nick into his arms. He held him tight, surprised when he felt Nick slowly return his embrace. "Believe me, Nicky. I do."

Pulling back he wiped the tears on Nick's cheeks away. But he didn't remove his hands. Instead he began to caress Nick's temples, his jaw line, his full lips.

And when he leaned in to kiss him, Nick didn't move away.

Stumbling into the bedroom, Warrick gently pushed Nick to lie on his back. He kissed him deeply while slowly tugging the younger mans shirt out of his pants and moving it up. He hated to break the kiss but was happy to finally remove the offending piece of black cotton. Next he reached down to release the buckle of Nick's belt. He tugged off Nick's jeans and boxers at the same time, gasping at seeing his … friend? …lover? in all his naked glory for the first time. Granted, he had stolen quick glances in the locker room while they changed their dirty clothes for fresher ones, but nothing had prepared him for the sight of breathtaking beauty that now lay before him.

"God, you're beautiful." he breathed, eyes taking in the vast expanse of golden skin, melting into hues of honey and cinnamon.

Nick blushed slightly, averting his eyes.

"Believe me, baby, you are." he assured. He removed his own clothes as quickly as he could without tripping over his own feet.

Nick watched him, wordlessly pointing towards the dresser. He breathed deeply, successfully hiding the trembling of his hands by grabbing the sheets.

Warrick quickly grabbed the lube and condoms out of the drawer, then he settled next to Nick on the bed. He moved to kiss him, surprised when Nick bridged the gap between them. They broke apart for breath, their eyes locking. Nick smiled.

Caressing every inch of skin he could reach, Warrick took his time preparing the younger man. It was their first time and he didn't want to cause Nick any pain that they could avoid. Adding a third finger, Warrick glanced up at Nicks face. The Texan had closed his eyes, a look of intense pleasure on his face.

"Nicky..." he whispered. "Look at me, baby, open your gorgeous eyes."

Nick complied, his eyes almost black with pleasure. Warrick held his gaze while he quickly rolled on a condom and lubed himself up generously. Moving Nick's legs up to his shoulders, he kissed him softly, positioning himself against Nick's hole. He pushed in slowly, stopping when Nick tensed and hissed softly. He held still, his arms trembling with the effort. Only when Nick began to move against him did he push further, holding Nick's eyes, checking for any sign of distress or pain. Finding none he began to set a gentle rhythm, lowering his chest to Nick's. He held himself up on his forearms that rested next to the Texan's head on either side.

Nick moaned softly, moving with him, silently demanding a harder rhythm. His hands roamed over Warrick's back, softly caressing his sides. Warrick wondered if the passion and love he felt for Nick could be seen in his eyes as easily as he could read them in his lovers gentle gaze.

"I love you, Nick." He breathed against his lips, hips now moving faster as the fire burning inside of them grew.

Nick gasped, tightening his hold on Warrick. A sound between a moan and a sob escaped him and he lifted his head to kiss him deeply. "I love you too, 'Rick." he replied. "More than anything."

They kissed again, passion igniting a wildfire in every single nerve ending. Warrick's thrusts sped up continually until the only sound that could be heard was the slapping of flesh against flesh and their breathy moans.

Suddenly Nick cried out, his back arching off the bed, body pressing tight against his lover's. Feeling Nick clamp down around him and the warmth spreading over their stomachs pushed Warrick over the edge as well and he came, crying out his lover's name.

He collapsed over Nick, resting his head on the Texan's shoulder. His eyes closed while he listened to the rapid beating of Nick's heart, trying to catch his breath.

Despite not wanting to he softened and slipped out of Nick, the Texan moaned at the loss. He finally moved his legs back to the bed, groaning when overexerted muscles pulled.

Warrick frowned at the sound. "Sore?" he asked, lifting his head to look into his lover's eyes.

"Not really." Nick mumbled. "But I'll be feeling you for at least a couple days." A slow grin spread on his face, Warrick couldn't help but kiss the dimples it brought out.

Rolling off of Nick he got to his feet and went into the bathroom where he fetched a washcloth and ran it under warm water. He cleaned himself off, rinsed the washcloth and returned to the bed where he started to clean his lover's skin tenderly. Finished, he threw it in the general direction of the doorway, earning himself a chuckle from his lover when it landed against the wall, a good five feet from the door.

Nick held out his arms, still chuckling softly, and Warrick moved into them with a sigh. He nestled against the Texan's shoulder, moving his lips over the soft skin he found. "Let's go to sleep, shift starts in a few hours." he murmured against it. Receiving no answer he glanced up at Nick. The Texan's eyes were firmly closed, a happy smile on his face. He was already deeply asleep.

Warrick smiled softly. They still had to deal with a truckload of problems, in and out of the lab, but they had taken the first step in the right direction.


Epilogue

Part III – Tina

The heavy black-out drapes that usually were holding the sun outside were drawn back from the large windows. The early morning sun had already warmed the room enough to make the air feel heavy when Tina stepped into the bedroom, a cell phone in her hand.

"Sara, I know! Nicky's so exited to see you again... I know you've got little time, but it's been over a month since she saw you at her birthday party... Yes I know, the only reason you have time today is because he died three years ago today... yeah, I'll wake him in a few minutes. We'll drive to the cemetery first, then we'll meet you at the restaurant... Okay, tell Grissom and the girls we'll meet you there. Bye, Sara."

Tina shut off her cell phone and put it down on her dresser. Seeing her husband still deeply asleep she smiled a little and picked up the black maternity dress she wanted to wear today. It already stretched tightly over her belly. Only eight more weeks, thank God! she thought.

After dressing she padded over to the bed and sat down on the edge next to Warrick. Reaching out she gently stroked his hair, most times that simple touch was enough to wake him.

Today was one of those days but the confused expression in his eyes wiped the smile off her face faster than anything else. Then she reminded herself what day it was and her smile came back - this time soft and loving.

"You had that dream again, didn't you?" she asked softly. "The last time was about three months ago when you worked that suicide case... You had this dream almost every day for the first ten months." Her tone was soft and comforting and while she continued to talk to him she reached for his hand and placed it on her belly, directly on the spot the baby loved to kick. She was glad that Warrick didn't pull back like he'd done so many times before.

Tina knew this dream as if it was her own and in the last three years Warrick had had it often enough for her to know how to get him trough the aftermath. She knew that until the memories of what really happened that day came back to him, until he remembered the events leading to Nick's death and everything that happened after he wouldn't remember the last three years, not her, not his daughter, nothing. They had seen a lot of therapists... but not one of them could free them of these dreams.

She moved closer to her husband and coaxed him to lean into her. Running her hands up and down his back and feeling him do the same on her belly she asked him, "What do you remember, Warrick?"

He moved back out of her embrace, got off the bed, then started to pace through the room.

"I remember... I remember Catherine's call... and me driving to Nick's. There had been an accident and the traffic was..." He trailed off and the look on his face almost broke Tina's heart. Tears started to slide down her husbands face and she got up and walked towards him.

"What else, love?" The last therapist had told Tina to talk him trough remembering, to comfort him but to not pressure him.

"When I arrived... the door was open..." Sobs started to break free and Tina caught and guided him to the floor when he started to shake. "I was too late."

Tina held him the same way she had done so many times before, trying to soothe him while he cried for the man he loved. She knew he still loved him after all these years... more than herself or even their children.

She had always known that she didn't hold Warrick's heart, had known when she accepted his proposal, when she married him, when she agreed to name their firstborn Nicholas or Nicole. But she also knew that Warrick wouldn't leave her or their daughter and unborn child because of someone else even though he didn't love her.

Because no man or woman could ever take the place of Nick Stokes in her husband's heart.

'I'm not real anymore, I am an illusion' –

THE END

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